Friday, October 25, 2019

HELLO FROM BONNIE KAYE - 10/25/19

Hi Everyone,
It's been a long time since I've posted here--nearly 9 months. During that time, I've done some pretty awesome things, but semi-retired from my Straight Wives movement. I'm never far away, and I still run my online support group. I stopped my radio show last May, but that will be resuming with a new format in December.

In the meantime, I will go through my past newsletters and retrieve articles from long ago that you need to be reminded of. This one was one of my deal breakers:

NEW EPIPHANY - GAY MEN DON'T THINK STRAIGHT - July 2013
Every few years, an epiphany hits me like a ton of bricks. The first one was in 2001 when I realized that we became women who we were not necessarily supposed to become because our husbands are gay. Instead of working to grow emotionally and professionally, we are spiritually muted or stagnated for years living in a state of what I call "Muck"...much like sinking in quicksand. That is because we dance in that "circle of crazy" which means running around in circles like a dog chasing after its tail. Even the dog is in better shape than we are because sometimes he gets a hold of his tail--we just keep sinking further into helplessness.
Several epiphanies later, I now have a new one. This comes from 30 years and over 90,000 women asking me dozens of different questions that usually start the same way:
"HOW COULD HE DO THIS TO ME?"
It's very simple--he's GAY.
And here's my newest epiphany:
"GAY MEN DON'T THINK STRAIGHT."
Please don't misunderstand me. This is not a put down on gay people at all. It's just a reality based on years of observation. I am the first to say that I don't think gay. That is because I am straight. Once again--an observation.
So when women ask me how their gay husbands can do the things they do, it's quite simple--they are GAY. They don't belong in a marriage to you. PERIOD.
The problem with our women is that they keep expecting their husbands to act as if they are straight--not gay. You forget that gay men who complain about their unhappiness are unhappy because they are married to you--a woman. And even though your husband was for the most part all excited about the "opportunity" to marry you before you said, "I do," he was saying, "I hope I can, I hope I can make love to her, I hope she'll believe me when I pretend to be straight, I hope I won't keep fantasizing about men anymore, I hope those things I've done with guys will be in the past, I hope that if I can't resist these urges and she finds out, she won't leave me," etc. etc. You see, while you were entering the marriage filled with hopes and dreams, he was entering your marriage filled with the hope that he could "pull it off."
Don't ever believe that your gay husband just found out he was gay after he married you--after 10, 20, 30, or 40 years. That isn't true. And don't believe that he thought all men--including straight men--fantasize about being with men or have occasional sexual encounters with men because that is NOT true. And he knows it isn't true--he is just justifying his sexual fantasies and encounters. And why? He doesn't want to be gay.
I do believe that most gay men marry you because they love you--but let me clarify that by saying that they love you to the best of their ability as gay men. They love you the way they would love a sister or a cousin--but you are not his family--you are his WIFE. And as a wife, you are expecting more out your husband than to love you as a family member or best friend. That's where the disconnect begins. Some of us have that happen sooner than later in a marriage--but eventually, it does happen. And when things are not heating up in the bedroom, that's where the anger, resentment, and blame begin.
You: Why does it feel like I have to ask for sex all of the time?
Him: Why are you always thinking about sex?
You: Other women spend romantic evenings with their husbands.
Him: You are watching too many movies. It doesn't happen that way in real life.
You: We've only been married a couple of years. Why don't you make love to me?
Him: What are you? A nymphomanic? All you think about is sex, sex, sex.
Here is the disconnect. As a gay man, he is also thinking about sex, sex, sex. But he is not thinking about having it with you. When he thinks about sex with you, he is thinking about a way out of having sex with you. Just like the thought of having sex with your brother or uncle would be repulsive to you, he has the same thought when it comes to you. It's not that he doesn't love you--he just doesn't love you the way you love him--because he is gay. He can love you, but he can't be "in love" with you. He is gay--he doesn't know how.
Gay men in denial who have a deep enough desire to stay married because they can't face living in a "gay world" will go through the motions. They can talk the talk. After all, they've been practicing their whole lives observing straight people. They can walk the walk--they know what a "straight walk" looks like. But they can't do the "dirty" indefinitely no matter how hard they try. And after a while, it becomes "dirty" to them. It becomes as incestuous to them as it would be for us to have sex with a family member--or even your best girlfriend whom you love--but not as a lover.
Why do we keep expecting gay men to be straight men? That is the faulty thinking that we have. Every response they have with you is based on their gay thinking--not on straight thinking. The resentment they have towards you is because you are a woman who wants them to be a straight man. Why wouldn't you? He married you. He promised to love you through everything--but he didn't understand that everything meant being a husband who wants intimacy and sex with his wife as part of the marital deal.
When your husband married you, he figured he could do it and maybe enjoy it. After all, he could always close his eyes and fantasize about his dream man. Many of these gay husbands do just that--and they have told me so. But they don't want to do more than they have to do to convince you that they are straight. After all, if they can get an erection every now and then--even if they can't keep it during your intimate moments--that will prove to you that they are straight. And if they lose the erection in the middle of one of those moments--no problem. It's your fault, isn't it? If he can get one, he takes the credit, but can't keep it going, then you get the credit because it must be your fault. Let's see, you're too fat...thin...dirty...smelly...flat chested....big chested...have bad breath...breathe too loud...demand too much...boring during sex...didn't clean the house enough, don't use the right shampoo, etc., etc., etc.
And then you ask me how they could do this to you.
So ladies, here's where my new epiphany should become your new mantra:
GAY MEN DON'T THINK STRAIGHT BECAUSE THEY ARE GAY!
You need to say this over and over again to yourself daily whether you are still in your marriage or not. You see, we keep wondering how they can worse after they leave the marriage. We keep thinking like straight women who have a straight husband:
` Us: Maybe now that he has left, he'll realize how much he has hurt me.
Them: I gave up so much of my life for her. I was such a good husband and provider. I gave her everything I had, and all she did was complain and complain about sex. She's so ungrateful.
Yes, we just don't get it. Women have come to me and said, "He's willing to give up his family for a roll in the hay with someone? Sex means more to him than his family?
Yes, you just don't get it. It's not about sex--it's about being gay and being free of living a lie where he can never please you. It's about him feeling the kind of love and excitement with a man that he can never feel for you because he is gay. And say it again:
GAY MEN DON'T THINK STRAIGHT BECAUSE THEY ARE GAY.
The key to healing from this nightmare is to realize that you can't do anything about it other than accept it. You can't personalize it. When your husband or ex-husband blames you for his unhappiness, you can believe it because you are a woman. You can never be the wife he needs because he doesn't need a wife--he needs a man. He is gay.
When he blames you for ANYTHING, hold your head high because you need to believe this has NOTHING to do with you. You didn't create it, and you can't change it. In Bonnie Kaye terms that means: You didn't break him--you can't fix him. Stop trying.
Nothing upsets me more than women who tell me that some of the problems in the marriage happened because of their behavior so they have to take some of the blame. Well sister, here's the news--you don't have to take any of the blame. You married someone who can never make you feel good about yourself because he was rejecting you on some level since the day he married you. Even though he didn't want to hurt you, he couldn't help himself because he is gay.
What does that mean? He resented you. You became the enemy. You were the keeper of his internal prison he created, and YOU held the key that you refused to hand him to escape. It doesn't matter that hewanted to marry you, nor does it matter that he refuses to leave his safety net and comfort level of leading a "straight life." Now you are the one who "keeps him trapped" into being someone he doesn't really want to be---namely your husband..
This is where another disconnect sets in. He continually picks, picks, picks--and he is picking at you and on you because of his frustration. He'll look to blame you for the problems in the marriage. After all, he's done everything to make you happy, but you are never happy. He's a good provider. He's a good father. What's the problem in the marriage? It has to be YOU. In his mind, he does what he believes is the right thing to do--other than giving you sex every time you ask for it--and don't you keep asking? What is with you?
Since most of these men don't or won't tell you the truth until they are ready--and sadly, too many will never be ready, even when they leave you--you slowly begin the deterioration process that strips down your self-esteem one layer at a time. You lose your footing because no matter how hard you try, your husband doesn't love you the way you know a man should love a woman. You're not stupid--but you sure are feeling very stupid because nothing you do is making your husband happy. When you don't know why all of your efforts don't bear the results you want, you finally understand what is wrong in your relationship--YOU ARE INADEQUATE. You have made every attempt to make your husband love you by showing him with love, affection, and passion--but nothing helps. What is wrong with you?
This is where the anger, depression, and worthlessness starts taking over your psyche. Many of our gay husbands/ex husbands are passive-aggressive. They use a "slap and smile" strategy meaning they slap you down (mostly emotionally, but in some cases physically) and then tell you that they love you. Our "perception" of love gets distorted. As long as you hear those words "I love you," you feel there is a chance if only you can change some of your ways. You know what upsets him most--SEX. Other than that, he's not "that bad." As your family and friends keep telling you, "He's a good dad. He's a good provider. You go on nice vacations. He's not a WOMANIZER. You are a lucky woman." Message: There's nothing wrong with him. You should be happy.
So why aren't you? You start feeling guilty because you think you don't have the right to complain. Then you start reading magazine articles that say most relationships "lose their groove" sexually in time, but the friendship and love is still there. As the song goes, "Don't worry--be happy." Right? Wrong.
This is not about straight couples who get caught up with life on life's terms over the years where sex can diminish due to health issues or job pressures. This is about a gay man who has never made you feel valued as a woman--only as a sexual aggressor who has turned him off. It's about losing confidence in everything you do because no matter how much you have done, nothing is working. So many of our women try transforming themselves by going through life-changing surgery like gastric bypasses, breast implants, liposuction, and plastic surgery in order to make themselves more beautiful so their husbands will desire them. That's because he usually throws in those little excuses, "If only you weren't so heavy....if only you would lose weight...if only your breasts weren't so small....if only your body wasn't so flabby....if only, if only, if only.
Ha, ha, ha. Like changing this will make their husbands want them sexually more. They soon find out that "enhancing your appearance" to make yourself more beautiful is an act in futility. Your husband doesn't want you more beautiful--he wants a man--he is gay.
When you are a normal woman, years of getting the message that you are 'abnormal" deprives you of ever knowing who you really are. There won't be much personal growth or actualizing here because you are too busy trying to get your husband to love you which means "desire you." You have to learn to accept the way you want your husband to love you WILL NEVER HAPPEN BECAUSE HE IS A GAY MAN!
Never mistake "cuddling with you" for "passion" with you. If it gives you some false illusion that "cuddling" means loving you, then you are deluding yourself. A marriage doesn't need cuddling as its primary source of affection. It needs the passion and desire that that makes you feel like you can climb a mountain or float on a cloud. A straight man will never just "do it" to make you happy. He will make you happy because it makes him happy when you are sexually satisfied. He loves to touch you. Cuddling is secondary--not the primary reason he wants to touch you. When a man loves you, he wants to "make love" to you.
I have been with my boyfriend for 19 years and 6 months. We have a beautiful and regular sex life that is always top of the line even at our age. As he explains to me, "Making love to you is the best way for me to express how much I love you." Yep, that is how a straight man thinks. We are both so in synch with each other because we know what pleases each other. After nearly two decades, I can tell you that he still works just as hard to please me because to him IT IS NOT WORK. It's passion that has built our intimacy to survive those difficult time when sex isn't possible due to medical issues. The medical issues are never an excuse--they are just a delay knowing things will be better and we will be fine. That's the difference between a straight man and a gay man. Straight men want sex with you because you are a woman--gay men don't want sex with you because you are a woman.
In closing, repeat these words every day:
GAY MEN DON'T THINK STRAIGHT--GAY MEN DON'T THINK STRAIGHT.

Sunday, November 11, 2018

BONNIE KAYE'S STRAIGHT TALK NEWSLETTER NOVEMBER 2018


BONNIE KAYE'S STRAIGHT TALK
NOVEMBER 2018     Volume 19, Issue 204
Bonnie’s Mantra:
LIFE WAS NEVER MEANT TO BE THIS COMPLICATED. PERIOD.
COMPUTER RADIO PODCASTS -        www.blogtalkradio/bonnielkaye                                     Live on Sunday night 8 p.m. EST or any time after the live broadcast!

NEXT HEALING WEEKEND
My next HEALING WEEKEND will be in the Orange County, CA area from                 April 12 - 14, 2019. If you would like to be part of this amazing weekend, please email me at Bonkaye@aol.com and put the word “Healing” in the subject box. I will send you the details this month. There is no charge for the weekend outside of travel, lodging, and food. This is a life-changing experience for people who need help during the grieving and recovery process.

NEW BLOG: Please visit my new blog on my website at www.gayhusbands.com. You'll see the icon that will take you there. Read stories from women in our network and feel free to send me your story to share. You can use whatever ame you like--real or not! WE TOO--SILENT NO MORE!

Please forgive me for repeating an important article this month. I will be busy for the next 2 months doing additions and edits for my new upcoming book: The Truth My Gay Ex-Husband Gave Me" that I hope to have published by the summer. I went into my archives and found this an important article that I wrote in 2005 before a surgery that could have taken my life. I felt if I wouldn't make it back, i want to leave my final words of wisdom. These words need to be read by all of us over and over again! Enjoy!! xoxo

TEN LESSONS I HAVE LEARNED

These are 10 most important lessons I have learned about being in or out of a straight/gay marriage. And by the way, I never dignify them by calling them something chic like “Mixed Orientation” marriages. To me, “Mixed Orientation” means Jewish/Catholic or White/Black, where people know way up front before marriage what the obstacles are. Straight/Gay marriages are more like Alice in Wonderland marriages—distorted through the looking glass at best. Never feel the need to have to “apologize” for these marriages by cleaning up the way they sound because it’s hard on the ear. If anything, call them what I call them—MISMARRIAGES, meaning a mistake in marriage.

Here are my lessons learned:

Lesson 1
Some of you have been languishing in a destructive marriage for years. You are throwing away valuable years of your life that can never be regained. Once they are gone, they are gone. Some of you feel compelled to stay in these marriages because you have no proof that your husband is gay. You know you’re unhappy. That’s enough of a reason to the leave the marriage. You don’t have to prove that a husband is gay to get a divorce. Just suffering in a marriage with someone who lacks passion, compassion, intimacy, and respect is grounds for a divorce. When women who are married to straight men decide they want a divorce, they don’t have to spend years figuring out how to justify it. Why do you? 

Lesson 2
Stop spending your life being a detective. There is nothing more debilitating than to spend your valuable time investigating your husband. I did it for several years—checking his pockets, his notes, his papers, listening to his phone calls from the other side of the wall with a glass—you name it, I tried it. Why did I keep obsessing over this? I needed to know that my suspicions were more than my imagination. So when I thought I had concrete proof and I confronted him, he went into a rage telling me that I was crazy. And guess what? I was relieved because I WANTED TO BELIEVE. And please don’t tell me that I was stupid because I know the majority of you out there want to believe as much as I do that this nightmare is anything but what it is. You don’t have to confront your husband—you just have to know the truth for yourself. That should be enough. And when you do know the truth, then you need to set yourself free, because living with a gay man can never fulfill your expectations of what you want out of life. No way. Ever.

Lesson 3
Although it takes two to make a marriage, when you’re married to a gay man, it only takes one to make it fall apart—namely him. Any other natural failures of straight marriages are not applicable here because your life is a distortion when your husband is gay. Whatever he objects to is through the eyes of a gay man. When he is angry with you, it is because he is frustrated being in a marriage with a straight woman and will look to find fault with YOU rather than face up to his responsibility of being honest. This is not to say you are perfect, but it wouldn’t matter if you were. He would still find fault with you because you are a woman. And a lot of you are almost perfect. That’s because the unhappier he is, the more you try to make him happy, internalizing and personalizing that his unhappiness is your fault. Untrue. He can’t be totally happy or fulfilled living with a woman no matter who the woman is. Accept it. It’s his failure, not yours. And this is not to say that he is a failure as a person. He is just a failure as a husband to a straight woman. He can be a great guy, but he belongs being your friend, not your mate.

Lesson 4
Love hurts. Loving a gay man really hurts. Even losing a gay husband in many cases hurts. This is why it is so difficult for us to recover from these marriages. Sometimes we have wonderful men who are our best friends. Then one day out of nowhere, a new man appears who is a stranger to us. The man we thought we were tied to for life now tells us that he can’t go on being “untrue” to himself. He tells us that as much as it pains him, he has to tell you that he is gay. By the way, the ones who tell you are really the wonderful ones although it’s hard to believe when you’re hearing the truth. It’s the ones that refuse to tell you and accuse you of being crazy that are contemptible. It is going to take time to get past the pain of this. You need to give yourself the time you need to go through all the stages of mourning just like you need to mourn for someone who died. This is the death of a marriage, and in many cases, it is a very ugly death. 

Lesson 5
You are not stupid. You start beating yourself up over your stupidity in not recognizing that your husband was gay. You start looking back and examining all of your moments in the marriage wondering how this could have happened. How is it that the person who was supposed to love you and cherish you forever was leading a life or thinking about leading a life that was totally foreign to you? You trace and retrack your years together. You look for the clues or the signs that something was wrong, but you keep missing the clues. This is because you were fooled by someone who was most likely fooling himself. And when he stopped fooling himself, he kept fooling you because he was scared. He was scared that if you knew the truth you wouldn’t want him anymore. These guys can be great deceivers. And we of good hearts want to believe in the love we have for our men. 

Lesson 6
Some women find it so hard to say that they knew something about their husbands prior to marriage lest they be accused of knowing they were marrying a gay man. UNTRUE. I say we don’t understand homosexuality. We don’t understand how someone who is supposed to be going with someone of the same sex is now marrying someone of the opposite sex. We believe that even if they did try it, they didn’t like it because they are not gay. Even if your husband hinted that he was attracted to men, he has now “outgrown” those feelings because he loves you. And after all, sexuality can be confusing, so maybe he was just confused. But now he knows what he wants and there’s nothing to worry about. Stop kicking yourself for being blindsided by this. There is no way that we can understand such a complex situation when our husband’s can’t understand it. 

When I was 25 years old, I reunited with a high school boyfriend after seven years. He had become a doctor and had nurses galore dating him. When we found each other again in a different place and space, he revealed to me that he had tried a relationship with two men on two different occasions. He actually lived with these guys for a period of months. He then told me that he also lived with two women for a period of time. He realized that he was not gay from those two experiences with men. Women were his thing and I believed him. He dated me, made love to me, and wanted to move in with me. Although I knew that something was missing, I didn’t think it was an issue of sexuality. I thought it was because he was a Cancer. Hey, astrology was big back then. People believed in the zodiac signs. I thought that his July birthday accounted for his sometimes-aloof reactions to me and to us. It wasn’t for another 8 years that this man came to terms with his sexuality and found his man mate. Ironically, I left this guy for my future gay husband. Like how stupid was I, you want to know? I don’t think I was stupid. I think I was uninformed. Look, I had sex with both of these men. Maybe they weren’t the best, but they were adequate. And in your 20’s, adequate is good enough. It takes us time to realize that making love is so much more than sex. 

You find these good-looking, sensitive, conversational men who want to spend their lives with you. Gay? We may think there are issues, but gay isn’t one of them. Even before I married my gay husband, someone came to me with his suspicions that my soon to be hubby was bisexual. I felt a sick knot in my stomach much like the same knot that occurred years later when my suspicions started to kick in for real. When I told him about my friend’s accusation, he took the table where we were dining and nearly threw it over, yelling, “How dare someone accuse me of that?” I was so relieved. Hallelujah! My heart told me to proceed without caution because I had the confirmation I needed. Was I stupid? I think not. I was just UN-INFORMED. Some people may think that it’s not normal to find yourself involved in two relationships with gay men. Well, I had been involved with dozens of relationships over the years with straight men. It was not something I was seeking out. It was just by chance that it happened--chance and ignorance. 

Lesson 7
Some of us in our desperation to hang on to something that we should let go of will look to make a million excuses of why we need to stay. One of the common reasons I hear is “THE CHILDERN.” People want to believe that children need two parents living under the same roof no matter how miserable they are or how that roof is always caving in. WRONG. One important lesson I have learned from my own life experience is that children will not be happy unless you are happy. My mother stayed with my father for far too many years. They would both fight and inevitably, fight about the children. This made me feel as if I were to blame for their misery. CHILDREN KNOW WHEN THEIR PARENTS ARE UNHAPPY AND THEY DO PERSONALIZE IT. Trust me on this one. If you or your gay husband is unhappy, your children know it and most likely internalize the blame. 

The other problem of staying in this type of marriage is role modeling. Children copy their parents. If they see you staying in a loveless marriage, chances are they will think this is the norm for marriage, which is very sad. Certainly you don’t want your children to be condemned to a life of unhappiness when they get married, but we often repeat the mistakes of our parents. I marvel at how many women who had abusive fathers marry the same type of man. So, if you are staying in your marriage and think you need to do this for the security of your children, STOP. 

Lesson 8
WAITING FOR YOUR HUSBAND’S TO CONFESS CAN TAKE A LIFETIME. Too many of you are hanging in there waiting for a confession to something that will be the DECISIVE factor in your decision to leave. All you have to do is CATCH HIM, right? Then you’ll get him to confess. Well, let’s forget this one. Some of them will never get caught, and many of them will never confess—EVER. Some gay husbands are in deep denial. If they can’t even admit it to themselves, why do you think they’ll confess it to you? When you do catch them they come up with the world’s best stories on how the porn got on the computer, how the condoms got into their briefcases, how they contracted a sexually transmitted disease (which they usually claim to be your fault), or how your imagination is running away with you. It’s just not happening, so stop looking for it. If you are questioning your husband’s sexuality, YOU HAVE A REASON. Whether it’s a hint, an instinct, or proof positive, go with it. Women don’t suspect their straight husbands of being gay. Trust me on that one. This goes back to a few of the previously mentioned lessons. If you are unhappy in your marriage, no matter what the reason is, get out. 

Lesson 9
Breaking up is hard to do, even under the worst of circumstances. There is no easy way to leave a marriage. Most women need a readjustment period to filter the information through their heads totally. There’s lots of second-guessing during this time, as well as questioning your sanity or stupidity. “How couldn’t I have seen this coming?” “How come everyone suspected this before me?” And other people start questioning it too. “What did you do to make him gay? He wasn’t gay when he married you, was he?” “Men don’t just TURN gay. You must have screwed up somewhere.” On top of all of the hurt we are going through, we have to deal with other people’s ignorance and stupidity, which compounds our own feelings of inadequacy. And you know what? Not every straight wife finds me in her early days of confusion or even ever for that matter. They sit and suffer because they are unable to find help or a voice of sanity to tell them they are not at fault. That’s the saddest part of all. Lack of support keeps women in a long state of depression and confusion. 

Wives of gay men have to contend with so many issues that wives of straight men don’t face. This makes things much more complicated and uncomfortable. You see, I contend that women who have straight husbands don’t have the set of problems that we have. Most women who are wonderful wives LIKE WE ARE with wonderful marriages to straight men don’t have husbands who are sneaking and cheating on them because their husbands are happy. We, on the other hand, are the best of wives but are made to feel like we are worthless. How do great wives feel when their husbands start abandoning them emotionally, physically, and sexually for no apparent reason at all? What does it feel like to think you have to “beg” for sex from the man who is supposed to be you soulmate in life? How do you think it feels when you uncover his little secret only to find that all of those times he was saying no to you he was saying yes to a host of men that he met for casual sex that was so casual that he never even necessarily saw their faces or knew their names while he was making you feel as if you were sexually abnormal for wanting to share intimacy with him? You feel dirty because he makes you feel that way. You are not good enough for him to make love to — that is his message to you. 

As women who have been emotionally abused in this way, we have to start rebuilding the long stripping of our sense of worth, self, and sexual esteem. We now have to worry about what to tell our children, and if they will hate us for breaking up their family. We end up protecting our ex-husbands in so many cases, keeping their secret while they are out there living it. You see, it’s okay for them to do it, but they’ll tell you it’s none of your business to discuss it. After all, you’re only the wife, right?

You can be in what you think is the beginning or the middle of your marriage and suddenly, your husband announces that, “I am what I am,” and his own special creation is your worst nightmare. You have two or three children and limited resources as a single parent. This gay husband who comes to terms with his sexuality, unlike the straight/gay kind of husband that stay forever to torture you, is now walking out on you to begin his life as a gay man. All your dreams are up in smoke so to speak, and you’re left to pick up the pieces. It’s not unusual in those early years of gaydom for husbands to be scarce when needed. They are off in their new life and very, very busy. It seems like he’s forgotten you, the children, the house, and the money it takes to run a family. He does seem to have money for his new life and lovers, and there seems to be no balance. You pay, he plays. And you’re also exhausted. Yuck. 
It can be any one of those situations mentioned above, but the end result is all the same—misery. That’s why some women who are so pealed down mentally to start with, never can reach the finish line to proclaim themselves the “winner.” It’s hard to run a race if you’re wearing yourself out doggie paddling just trying to keep yourself from drowning. That’s why I never judge how long it takes someone to leave — as long as she knows that she is going to leave someday. Mental freedom is three-fourths of the battle.

Lesson Ten
Beauty. Hmm, let’s see — it’s in the eyes of the beholder—namely YOU. Self-esteem has to be rebuilt before you can truly love yourself and realize how beautiful you are. I have seen the most physically beautiful of women learn to believe they are ugly and undesirable. When they look in the mirror, it’s like an anorexic reflection showing fat when the person is skinny. When you don’t feel good about yourself, you don’t see yourself objectively anymore. You feel ugly inside, so you see your reflection as ugly outside. It’s such a shame and makes me so angry. The self-damage that is done has to be worked on before you pursue any kind of new relationship because you leave yourself open for other unsavory men to find and grab you. They aren’t gay, but they are losers. They are controlling, angry, abusive, and in other cases, useless. These guys see a “sucker” coming and they lunge after you. They know you are ripe for the picking. Give you a few “I love you’s” or “you’re beautiful” and you belong to them, few questions asked. If they have sex with you, you feel redeemed from the marriage to your gay husband so you settle for the wrong relationship because it seems less wrong than the last one. UGH. More bad years wasted again. 

The song The Greatest Love of All has the right line in it — learning to love yourself, it is the greatest love of all. If you can’t love yourself in a generous healthy way, you’ll never be happy in any future relationship.

MAILBOX

Hi Bonnie,

I wanted to write and say thank you for all the work you do. I stumbled upon your blog 5 years ago when I had just left my husband. I was 32 at the time and wasn't exactly sure what the problem was in my marriage, but I knew something was very amiss. After reading one of your blogs about what it feels like to be married to a gay man who is masquerading as straight, I felt like I'd been struck by a bolt of lightning. I had my answer. I printed your blog and I've kept in my bedside drawer to revisit whenever I've had doubts.

I'm happy to report that my ex-husband has come out of the closet--exactly 5 years after I moved out. Although I knew in my heart that he was gay, having it confirmed has brought upon a wave of emotions. Mostly though, I am happy for him, and glad to have closure. I will always wonder about where my life would be, and who I would have become if I'd picked another partner.  But life happens, and it's now a part of my story--I married my gay best friend.

Anyway, your writings brought me clarity and confidence during an extremely stressful period of my life. I am forever grateful. I am happily remarried and have an adorable little boy. Please continue to advise other wives who are victims like me to trust their instincts. One of the most profound statements you made was this: A woman who is married to a straight man never suspects that her husband is gay. So true!

Best, Becky

STRAIGHT TALK RADIO SHOW HAS RETURNED!!
Here are links to my new season that started in October:

Donna Andersen:
http://www.blogtalkradio.com/bonnielkaye/2018/10/15/bonnie-kayes-straight-wives-talk-show-with-donna-andersen-love-fraud-expert

Donna has a special consultation deal until 11/21 for $95.00 which includes 3 of her books. She is a wealth of knowledge about fraud and legal issues around it.

Link: https://lovefraud.com/product/consultation-and-all-3-lovefraud-books/

Mike Garroutte, private dectective
http://www.blogtalkradio.com/bonnielkaye/2018/10/22/bonnie-kayes-straight-talk-radio-show-with-mike-garroutte-private-investigator

Alexa Servodidio - therapist
http://www.blogtalkradio.com/bonnielkaye/2018/10/29/bonnie-kayes-straight-wives-talk-show-with-therapist-alexa-servodidio

Maggie Bonnet - therapist
http://www.blogtalkradio.com/bonnielkaye/2018/11/05/bonnie-kayes-straight-wives-talk-show-with-guest-dr-maggie-bonnet
Have a wonderful month!! Love, Bonnie

Monday, October 8, 2018

BONNIE KAYE'S STRAIGHT TALK - OCTOBER 2018


BONNIE KAYE'S STRAIGHT TALK
OCTOBER 2018     Volume 19, Issue 203
Bonnie’s Mantra:
LIFE WAS NEVER MEANT TO BE THIS COMPLICATED. PERIOD.
COMPUTER RADIO PODCASTS - www.blogtalkradio/bonnielkaye                                     Live on Sunday night 8 p.m. EST or any time after the live broadcast!

NEXT HEALING WEEKEND

My next HEALING WEEKEND will be in the Orange County, CA area from April 12 - 14, 2019. If you would like to be part of this amazing weekend, please email me at Bonkaye@aol.com and put the word “Healing” in the subject box. I will send you the details this month. There is no charge for the weekend outside of travel, lodging, and food. This is a life-changing experience for people who need help during the grieving and recovery process.

NEW BLOG: Please visit my new blog on my website at www.gayhusbands.com. You'll see the icon that will take you there. Read stories from women in our network and feel free to send me your story to share. You can use whatever ame you like--real or not! WE TOO--SILENT NO MORE!

GAY HUSBANDS WHO REMARRY WOMEN

In my private support group, a number of women find themselves (a) extremely angry, (b) extremely hurt, or (c) extremely confused (most likely all three) when they find out that their gay husbands who totally rejected them sexually are now remarrying another woman. Can this be possible that a man who has admitted to you that he prefers men is once again getting married to a woman? Yes, it is.

When it happens, women feel sucker punched all over again and less validated than ever. All of the people we have told our truths to shake their heads in disbelief--towards US.

  • "How could your husband be gay if he is marrying another woman?" is what they think--or say.
  • You are a "vindictive little bitch of a scorned wife" spreading rumors about your husband saying he is gay when he found a lovely new wife.                                                  
  • Your family questions why you are doing this to your husband. Your credibility to those who begrudgingly supported you because they also thought he was such a "great guy" goes down, down, down the drain.

What's even worse is that you start to question YOURSELF.
  • Maybe I wasn't enough of a woman for him.
  • Maybe I should have lost more weight...gained weight...enlarged my breasts....
  • Maybe I wasn't supportive enough for him.
  • Maybe I was too pushy--too demanding.
When it comes to this issue, ignorance abounds and is plentiful. Here are some of the comments that I have heard from "outsiders" through the years when they see your gay husband remarry a woman:

1. He isn't really gay. He told her that because he wanted out of the marriage and thought she'd be happy to let him go. After all, why would he marry someone else if he's gay?

2. Well, if he was "gay" when he was married to her, can you blame him? She was so controlling...unattractive...demanding....mental....but now he found a real woman so that proves it wasn't true.

3. How could he be gay? He doesn't look gay or act it--but she isn't very feminine. She's probably the gay one. After all, he found a very nice new wife.

Yes, I've heard these and numerous other slanderous stories about straight wives. This is why we stay locked up in our husbands' closets for so long--fear of getting slapped down one more time by one more ignorant person. After a while, you just shut up. It's easier than trying to validate yourself with every uninformed ignoramus you run into.

The truth is there are some gay men who are serial criminals. They withhold their information to all of their future wives. And I say wives--because some of these men are responsible for multiple marriages after you. They will do anything to make sure that people think they are straight. And sadly, in many cases they think they are straight.
It's so interesting to watch all of these men who are NOT straight justify how they are. You know how I say the penis is the dividing line? Well, it's not to them. They just like a little "spice" in their lives. Or they'll call their wives "prudes" because they don't want to swing with other men--and them or because their wives refuse to wear "penis gear."

Some of these men go with transgender or watch trans porno. They really feel safe from that label of "gay." After all, the transgender has breasts and "identifies" as a female. That means your husband is straight because he is attracted to breasts and wanna be women.  I always say it doesn't matter how you dress it up--a penis is a penis--and if you want to think about it, fantasize about it, touch it, play with it, or more--let's agree to call it at least "NOT STRAIGHT." I think that some men could at least admit to that classification rather than "gay" if it makes him feel better.

Don't ever believe that your gay husband is going to be any different with his new wife. These guys don't change because they can't. Their new wives will live the same frustrations as you do as you'll read in one of my classic articles below:

Bonnie Kaye Klassic

I wrote about this nearly 16 years ago when I described the Straight-Gay man. Since many of you may not have read it, and since it is keeping with this topic, I'd like to share it again.

WAITING FOR HIS CONFESSION THAT WILL NEVER COME…AND WHY

          I have coined a new term for another classification of gay husbands. It is “Straight Gay Husbands.” I hope you like it. It is my new reference to gay men who are permanently living the straight life, sort of like wolves in sheep’s clothing. They are the husbands who will not acknowledge their homosexuality privately or publicly--ever. Some of them know that you know, but try to confuse you enough to put enough doubt in your mind to make you think that you are the crazy one. It’s the best defense to your “offensive” questions. These are the men that shut you up or shut you down the moment you think about making mention of the possibility of homosexuality. They know what they are, and they know what you suspect, but keep your mouth shut because they don’t want to hear about it--especially from you.
          These men are different than the gay husbands that admit they are gay/bisexual but promise not to act on those needs while they remain married to you. (Like we really believe that story!) They are also different than the gay husbands who are leading very secret lives and not leaving a trail of crumbs for you to follow. They are not even quite like the Limbo Men I have described who are caught in between two worlds. These are men who are definitely not stuck. They are identifying strictly as straight. There is no way they are entering the gay world through the front or back door, or even through the closet. They detest the gay world and what it stands for which gives them even greater reassurance, at least to themselves, that they are not gay.
          The Straight Gay Men are the ones who have to remain in total control of all of their physical motions lest someone should suspect they are not quite as straight as they claim. It’s funny how many women tell me how their husbands’ physical appearances, gestures, and movements change once they come out. I can’t even fathom how difficult it must be to have to go through life calculating every breath and step you take. It’s sort of like walking down a sidewalk and having to make sure that you “don’t step on a crack or you’ll break your mother’s back” as the game use to say. My balance and coordination never let me win that game.
          These husbands are quick to use you and the children as their proof that they are not gay to the outside world just in case they let their guard down and anyone might accuse them of the “unthinkable.” They honestly don’t identify as gay even though they have sex with men. They don’t get themselves involved emotionally with men, just sexually. That helps them justify the fact that they are straight, not gay.
          Some women can’t understand this. If you look like a duck, walk like a duck, act like a duck, but have sex with a goose, are you still a duck or are you a goose? I say you’re a goose. I don't  care what you act like to the outside world; I only look at who satisfies you sexually. And if you’re a duck making love to a goose, your feathers have to ruffle in a different direction when you stand up and straighten them out. But this does make things that much more confusing and complicated. So, to simplify your confusion, let me say this—STRAIGHT MEN DON’T HAVE GAY SEX. You can call it whatever makes you feel better, but I still call it gay—all the way.
          Women who live with Straight Gay Men and Limbo Men are often the most commonly emotionally abused women. They would have to be. Their husbands are truly living in a complex world that makes little or any sense. They are living unfilled lives because they don’t have any emotional connections. They don’t connect emotionally with their wives because they aren’t really straight. They don’t connect emotionally with men because they refuse to be gay. And so they function but don’t connect. This lack of emotional connection creates a sense of insensitivity when it comes to your feelings and your emotions.
          It also closes them up as human beings. They are unable to connect with a wife because they are living an internal--and what seems like an eternal--lie. This lie keeps overtaking any sense of good feelings towards the person whom they believe is responsible for this state of living—namely you. Now we know it is ridiculous to think that you should be their reason for living this lie, but subconsciously, this is how they feel.
          As much as they love to have you as their “cover” is as much as they hate to have you sharing under their covers. They resent your nagging demands for sexual intimacy because it “isn’t their thing.” It’s your thing. And why do you have to try to make them feel inadequate just because they are? Even when you stop asking for it, you are still thinking about it and they can tell. It means they have to come up with a continuous string of stories to account for their lack of sexual behavior with you. This puts pressure on these guys who feel you are being unreasonable. Why do you have to make such a big deal out of sex?
          They feel that in all other ways, they are ideal husbands. They are there raising the family with you. They are helping to support your financial needs or at least sharing in them. They are taking part in the social activities that you have decided are important. They are doing lots for you—and how do you show your appreciation? By badgering them with little innuendos and questioning looks. This really shows a lack of appreciation on your part and so they get pissed.
          The Straight Gay Men think they are Supermen. And to a degree, they are. They juggle, manipulate, calculate, and carefully plan out all of their actions. It takes a lot of energy to do this, and they marvel at their ability to pull it off. It gives them an air of smugness that shows in their personality. I’m not quite sure what they think they’re pulling off because they know that you are doubtful of their explanations. There are only so many headaches, backaches, depressions, and side effects from medication that you can keep relying on. But they feel confident if they use these excuses enough, you’ll give up. Most women do. As I’ve said before numerous times, no woman wants to feel like she has to beg her husband to make love to her. It’s degrading and demeaning. We get the hint after enough sexual rejection and stop asking. But it doesn’t mean that we stop thinking—and wanting.
          Every time we see other couples holding and caressing lovingly together, this is a reminder. It’s a reminder of what we thought we should have had but never were able to achieve. It’s a reminder of what our hopes and dreams were for married life when we took that life-altering step and said, “I do.”  We are momentarily reminded of what marriage was supposed to be, but never became. And this sadness shows in our faces, in our eyes, and in our hearts. When our husbands glimpse at us, they know what we are thinking. They know what we are wishing. They know that the words they don’t want to hear may possibly be coming out of our mouths at any moment. Rather than take a chance and have to come up with one more excuse, they find some way to knock us down and put us back into the non-assertive mental state that they so easily know how to do.
               We are women who have been conditioned. Remember, Straight Gay Men remain in the marriages indefinitely and have years to erode your sense of self-worth. They are not going anywhere, and they want to make sure that you feel inadequate enough so that you won’t go anywhere either. I don’t know who could have taught these men about the facts of life and marriage, but obviously, they weren’t listening or didn’t have a teacher. Didn’t anyone ever tell them that sex is part of marriage? Didn’t they ever hear that intimacy grows from making love to the person who loves you? Do they really believe that they can sit for years in a marriage and overlook that little detail? Yes, they do. And we become their silent partners because we have been silenced on the issue of sex.
          The irony is that even if you leave these men, as some women do, they will remarry again. Yes, they will remarry another woman. They will still do their occasional gay sex thing to satisfy their sexual need, but that goes with the territory. It is amazing to me how these men can live such a delusional existence until the day they die. And they will drag other women into their webs of deceit. The next victim (and men who do this more than once are victimizers) will fall for it just like you did—but even better. Your Straight Gay Husband has a track record. He will still use you as his shield by telling his next conquest that he was married before, ergo, he is straight. And the woman who is in a subsequent marriage with this man has no reason to question his sexuality at all. He married before; he’s marrying again. Chances are his next wife will feel even more inadequate than you feel. He’ll make sure to tell her that the two of you never had problems in the bedroom before. And if she does meet you, she’ll be too embarrassed to ask you the truth. And sadly, you’ll probably keep protecting him by keeping silent.
          So if you are in a long-term marriage to a Straight Gay Man, don’t plan on things ever getting better. There may be temporary second honeymoon periods, only to prove to you once again that you are crazy for even suspecting there is something wrong with your wonder man. But it’s guaranteed that things will resort back to the “normal” pattern of digs, harsh words, and put-downs. Count on it. Then decide if this is the most that you want out of life because as long as you are in this marriage, this is all you can expect.
          There is a word that describes what these husbands do: COMPARTMENTALIZE. This means he is able to keep his behaviors separate and tied up in neat packages without letting one interfere with the other. The Straight Gay Men live their lives this way. They are able to separate their need for sexual dabbling with a man from their “straight lives” as straight husbands. I do tell our women that as long as you allow your husband to live in his “compartmentalized closet,” he will remain there forever. The fact that you remain in the marriage to him allows him to justify even more that he is straight—especially in his own mind. After all, his wife isn’t going anywhere, right? This convinces him even more.
          So if your happiness is waiting for a confession that won’t be coming, do yourself a favor and stop waiting for it. Take control of your life and GET OUT before you allow yourself to totally lose who you are. Remember—if your husband can’t admit he is gay to himself, he will never admit it to you. In his own warped sense of reality, he is a straight man.

BONNIE'S STRAIGHT WIVES TALK SHOWS RESUME ON OCTOBER 14, 2018
My weekly podcasts resume this Sunday evening. You can listen any time at your convenience by going here:

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/bonnielkaye
When you go to the site, you can be asked to be notified of upcoming shows.
Have a peaceful month!
Love, Bonnie


Sunday, September 2, 2018

BONNIE KAYE'S STRAIGHT TALK NEWSLETTER - SEPTEMBER 2018


BONNIE KAYE'S STRAIGHT TALK
September 2018     Volume 19, Issue 202
Bonnie’s Mantra:
LIFE WAS NEVER MEANT TO BE THIS COMPLICATED. PERIOD.
COMPUTER RADIO PODCASTS -    www.blogtalkradio/bonnielkaye                          Live on Sunday night 8 p.m. EST or any time after the live broadcast!

After taking a summer break to work on a most important project, my newsletters are now resuming.
NEXT HEALING WEEKEND

My next HEALING WEEKEND will be in the Orange County, CA area from  April 12 - 14, 2019. If you would like to be part of this amazing weekend, please email me at Bonkaye@aol.com and put the word “Healing” in the subject box. I will send you the details this month. There is no charge for the weekend outside of travel, lodging, and food. This is a life-changing experience for people who need help during the grieving and recovery process.

ME TOO HEALING vs. WE TOO HEALING

I figured out something recently as I was watching the morning news. There was a segment about the women who were active in the ME TOO movement from the world of show business who first joined together to expose movie producer Harvey Weinstein for his sexual abuse. The chips started falling like a domino effect, and before long, there were dozens of women telling their stories of abuse in the hands of Hollywood directors, producers, and high profile movie stars.

On the segment, several of the women were telling how they felt validated after they went public to tell their story. And when they told it--no one laughed. No one said, "She must have known she was going to be raped--after all, what does she expect? In Hollywood, that's how women get jobs." Or, "She was asking for it. How stupid could she be to go to a known predator's house alone for dinner?" No, those are not comments presented by the public. Now there was an outpouring of sympathy for the woman and disdain for the sexual predators.

Some of you are old enough (like I am) to remember when things were very different. Twenty years ago when a woman was raped, she had the finger pointed at her in an accusatory manner. People claimed she was a tramp to start with or she dressed provocatively. If a woman was raped, well, she must have been asking for it. Yes, those were scary times that caused so many women never to report these horrific atrocities. This changed in recent years as society became more aware of who the real victim was--the woman, not the rapist. This change didn't come overnight--but it came. Today when a woman is raped, she can stand up for herself although it is still takes a lot of courage to let people know.

In all honesty, look how long it took these women to stand up and say, "Me too!" A long time--from actresses to most recently, Olympic gymnasts. Thanks to the bravery of the women who said, "No more," these kinds of incidents will not happen nearly as frequently knowing that they will not be tolerated and exposed to the public for criminal charges. Women feel a little safer these days to tell their stories because they are BELIEVED. In the past, when they tried to be honest, they were often discredited and criticized and had all kinds of horrible accusations thrown at them.

If this sounds familiar, well, it is. This is our life. We are the voices of silence much like rape victims used to be. Why? Because people don't believe our plight. They still believe that we: knew our husbands were gay before we married....were desperate to get married so we "overlooked" his secret...stupid for not seeing it because after all, they knew....or the worst--he wasn't gay when he married us, so what did we do to change him? He must have been straight because after all, we produced children. How could a gay man have sex with a straight woman?

Straight wives are the true representatives of the real sounds of silence. This is why people still view us "sad sacks" creating our own misery--or worse yet, deserving it. We need to tell OUR stories. Telling your truth is good because it is psychologically cathartic. But more importantly, it is also breaking the silence on a topic that is widely misunderstood. There is power of a collective voice--a voice that we do not have yet. 

WE NEED TO LEARN A LESSON FROM THIS. "WE TOO" is our battle cry.  I will be starting my "WE TOO" blog this month. If you are willing to share your story--of course, anonymous or fake name is fine--write to me at Bonkaye@aol.com.

BONNIE KAYE KLASSIC

Some of my past writings are too important not to revisit. Here is one from 8/13.

FIGURING OUT THE RESENTMENT OF GAY HUSBANDS & WHO WE ARE

Last month I wrote about my new epiphany that "gay men don't think straight." I had an overwhelming response from readers thanking me for this new discovery. It really cleared up a lot of things for those women so they could stop the self-blame of why their marriages failed or are failing.

I also want to reiterate for the record that although people like to use the quote, "It takes two to make or break a marriage," that does not apply to our type of marriages. In our marriages, it only take one person to make it break--namely your gay husband. Sadly, a number of you are still taking the responsibility for this. Why should you absolve yourself from this responsibility? Here are some reasons.

As women, we go into marriages with certain hopes, dreams, and expectations. We are looking for partners who can truly be partners in every sense of the word based on the perceptions from observations that we have grown up with. The partners we seek out are men who want to be with us on a physical, emotional, and sexual level. While your husband is playing the role of "straight husband," he tries his best to make sure that he is all of these things to you. He has observed straight men from the time he was a child, and as he grew older, he did his best to imitate them in order to keep away any suspicion that he might be gay. And by the way, this is not a "blame" thing on my part--it's an "understanding" thing. 

When you want to be someone other than yourself, you do your best to study everything from walking, talking, and laughing so you can play the role--just like any other actor.
Some of these husbands are even homophobic. I used to think they were putting on an act to throw us off guard. Although this is true for a percentage of gay husbands, it isn't true all of the time. Some of these men really are homophobic. It's due to "self-hatred"  towards those who remind them of what they are. They are the first ones to say the word "faggot" when they suspect or find out someone is gay which is usually offensive to us--their liberal wives who are pro-gay. They have no empathy for men who are going through the "struggle." They work so hard to pull this off their straightness that they have no sympathy for "weaklings" who give in to that "other way of life." You know--an authentic gay life. They really are homophobic--well, until they are in a sexual act with one of those 'faggots." Yeah, I wonder what they say then.

So when we add up all the clues, we breathe a sigh of relief to know that our husbands are 'straight," not "gay." In mathematical terms,

                               "married" + "father" + "homophobic" = STRAIGHT!

Getting back to my point, once we feel confident that our husbands aren't gay, we start wondering why our marriages seem "off-track." It doesn't start with anything major, but rather little things. One of those little things that changes early in the marriage is SEX.
Side note: When women come to me and I ask them, "How is your sex life?," a common response is, "Well, our sex life is good." Almost all of those women who tell me that their sex life is "good' or "normal" have very limited previous sexual experience. Without fail, after they meet a straight man, they are kind enough to write back that their sex lives are "great" 
because they finally understand what making love with a straight man is about.

Sorry--I had to mention that before I forgot. Anyway, as the sex starts waning in your marriage in a short amount of time, you start wondering why the frequency (which was never that frequent to start with) has changed and why your husband seems to be pulling away more and more from you. At first, you ask him gently, "Honey, is everything okay? Is there anything bothering you that you want to talk about?" He quickly responds, "No, not at all. Why are you asking?" At that point, he is seeing a waving red flag and says to himself, "Uh oh, danger ahead...shark...shark...shark..." In other words, is there something that he has done to tip you off? Remember, when someone is living a lie that is tightly wrapped up, he can't afford to allow that package to unravel in any shape or manner lest it all falls apart.

At this point, GAY is the LAST thing on YOUR mind, but it is still the first thing on his mind--as well as wondering if he has let any hidden information slip out by mistake. Did he accidentally say something in his sleep? Was it a glance at a cute guy that lingered too long? Another point I'd like to make--as naive as some of you still are who are reading this--and I say naive--not stupid so please don't think I mean anything other than naive--some of your husbands have continued to have gay sex from the early days of your marriage. It's not like there was a time limit on the "I do" part he said to you in those vows like "I do for today, but I don't know after the first year, five years, ten years."  He really did hope those male sexual attractions would fade if he promised to love and cherish you, but he had no clue either that loving you would not be enough to stop them. You can trust me when I tell you that I know that some of your husbands were having sex with men shortly after your honeymoon--and some even on the honeymoon said to say. How do I know? Don't forget--I counsel hundreds of gay men each year and help them come out to you.

As time passes on in your marriage, you notice "The Big Chill." It is now definitely directed against you. There are only so many headaches, toothaches, and stress aches that any one husband can have. When you start suggesting that "maybe there is something that he doesn't like about YOU," well...you just opened his escape hatch. Yep--that must be it. He quickly retreats for a moment by saying, "Don't be silly," but he is smiling as he says it. Why? Because he knows he can now use that hatch to start his escape plan of blaming YOU.

The next time you try to bring up "the subject," he injects some little thoughts. They start out with, "Honey, why are you always thinking about sex? I don't think it's normal to have sex on your mind all the time." TAKE A GIANT STEP BACK.
The weeks go by and you approach it again. "Honey, I've noticed you have put on some weight. There's something that doesn't look right about you. Maybe you have to start exercising." TAKE ANOTHER GIANT STEP BACK.

Now, it's been several months. You've lost some weight. You've had your hair colored. You went and bought a sexy nightgown. By the time you put it on, he's fast asleep. You try to nudge him, but he's making loud snoring sounds and is totally turned the other way just in case you're checking out his eyes (which are usually squinted shut or wide open while he's doing this. Well, TAKE ONE MORE GIANT STEP BACK.

Do you think he's avoiding you? No, not at all. Like you, he has a mental calendar. Yours is saying how long it's been since he last had sex with you. At the same time, he's counting how many days that it's going to be before he has to do SOMETHING with you as his straight husbandly duty. He's not avoiding you--he's just building up the courage to do something with you that he dreads or at least is distasteful.

He knows you can only take so many steps back before he has to make you feel as you are moving forward or maybe you will start talking to friends and mentioning to them that you think something is wrong.

Now he's going to fool you. He'll suggest some drinks or pot so you can both have some fun. After all, it's been weeks or months. Isn't it time? You are so happy, that you do everything you can to make the mood a real one--quiet candlelight dinner, bottle of wine, kids tucked away, romantic music--and tonight's the night! After waiting for six months, it's your time to shine. All is well with your world--you can take FIVE GIANT STEPS AHEAD! YAAAAAY!  Everything is "normal" again. Those silly thoughts in your head can finally disappear. Whatever it was that was paused is on full speed ahead now--until you try to touch him again. This is where his resentment sets in.

He took care of you, didn't he? Didn't he prove he loved you? Didn't he prove he was straight? And now you want more? What are you, a nymphomaniac? Why do you always have to think about sex? What is wrong with you? Who told you that marriages are like this? What are you, 18 years old that you need so much sex? Uh oh, take
FOUR GIANT STEPS BACK.

Now here is the irony of this whole situation. You think you feel bad for feeling rejected? You gay husband feels the same way because he feels just as rejected as you do when you make him feel inadequate because he can't please you by having enough sex. No matter what he does, it isn't enough. You are NOT being supportive of him when you are finding fault in all of the things he is trying to do to be a good husband to you. In fact, if you ask these men that you are divorcing if they thought they were good husbands to you, the overwhelming majority of them are going to say YES!! And in their minds, they were.

Some of them were good providers as far as providing a home and an income. Some of them took good care of the house making sure it was clean because you didn't exactly do the best job, did you? Was it ever clean enough? They were good companions to you. They loved shopping and fixing up the house. They were very sociable with friends. Okay, maybe they did seem a little different when you were alone, but living with you could be frustrating, couldn't it? You think you're right all of the time. You're very pushy when it comes to many things--but the thing that you are the most pushy about is the sex thing.

Okay--let's talk about "pushy" for a moment since most of us have been accused of that. I guess it won't shock you when I tell you that the majority of these men are very "controlling." SURPRISE!!!! No, it wasn't just your husband/ex-husband--it's most of our husbands. Is this a coincidence? Of course not. Gay husbands are so controlling because they live in the fear of their secret "coming out" long before they are tired of living in the closet. They can't control their sexuality, but they can sure try to control YOU!.

To a man who is controlling, anything that can mess up his well-controlled secret life is a threat. By your questioning him on things that just don't add up, that makes you PUSHY. He does not need you to upset his apple cart. That's where more of his resentment sets in. With the resentment, often comes the anger. Did I mention to you that some of us were married to "rage-a-holics?" These are men who "shout you down to shut you up." In time, we just shut up. We stop asking. We become modern day versions of those Stepford Wives dutifully doing whatever we think we have to do to keep the peace.

Think about it. When you went into the marriage, who were you? Are you still that same woman or did your marriage stunt your emotional growth? Were your expectations in your marriage fulfilled? Were you able to get nourishment and praise so you could grow and reach your personal and professional goals? Was your husband focusing on your happiness for real or what he perceived should be your happiness? Did you become depressed? Did you feel stuck? Did you have to justify your marriage by making excuses such as, "No marriage is perfect," or "It will get better," when you knew there was no way things were getting better? Did you keep trying harder and harder thinking that if you cleaned a little better your husband would finally love you enough? Did you take responsibility for his unhappiness by believing those subtle little messages or not so subtle insults that YOU were the problem in the marriage? You weren't attractive enough? Your body had a bad odor? You were too boring in bed?

The problem is we are working in the dark. Even when we suspect the truth, we can't put the big picture together. Look at it this way. If you were told at your job that you have to put together a 5000 piece jigsaw puzzle in order to get your next paycheck, at first you may look at it as a challenge. But if you had no clue that there were 3 missing pieces, you can imagine how your frustration would set in as you spent hours each day searching over and over again for something that you could never find because you had no idea it was missing. That's how most of our marriages are. Jigsaw puzzles with missing pieces. We keep searching looking to make something right that is always off balance. The more we question what is wrong, the more frustrated our husbands get because in their minds, THEY ARE DOING EVERYTHING RIGHT.

When I told my ex-husband that I thought we should go for therapy after a couple of years into the marriage, his response to me was, "We don't need therapy. YOU are the one who is unhappy--not me." His perception isn't far off from many of your situations. The gay husbands are complacent. Maybe they aren't thrilled, but they aren't ready to jolt. They can get by especially if you don't keep up that annoying sex stuff.  And once you get continually "shut down" in that department, you learn to "shut up."
Feeling a little frustrated? Let me ask you this. If you had a husband who hungered for you, made you feel that being with you was the best part of his day, planned fun events with you, sat next to you with his arm around you or walked holding your hand, told you that you looked beautiful and that after dinner, he wanted you for dessert, do you think you would have turned out differently? If you had a husband who applauded your successes and encouraged you to maximize your potential without worrying that you might say the wrong thing to the wrong person--namely revealing secrets that he was hiding--don't you think you would have been a different woman?

Funny--we usually end up saying that we don't really know the men we married. Here's the true irony--we don't really know the women we were destined to become because we were much too busy becoming the women we thought our husbands could love more if we did more. Put your missing pieces back into the pile. Now that you can solve the puzzle, don't worry about it anymore. Start worrying about who you missed out on being for so many years, and get moving. Life is still out there for you to take. Grab it and run with it--straight ahead!


My radio show will resume in October. Stay tuned for some wonderful guests!!
With love and hope,
Bonnie