Thursday, April 17, 2014

Bonnie Kaye’s Straight Talk Newsletter
APRIL 2014     Volume 15, Issue 152

Bonnie’s Mantras:
LIFE WAS NEVER MEANT TO BE THIS COMPLICATED. PERIOD.
YOU CAN'T FIX A BROKEN MAN--BUT HE CAN BREAK YOU!

Help support Bonnie’s mission to help women and men in pain. Purchase her books from her website at www.Bonniekayebooks.com

NEXT HEALING WEEKEND: CALIFORNIA HERE WE COME!!

My next healing weekend will be in Los Angeles, California. It will take place September 20/21. If you are interested in receiving details, please write to me at Bonkaye@aol.com and write "California Info" in the subject box. Our healing weekends are a place where women can meet, share, bond--and never even say a word--but you'll want to!
                        
             DECORATING THE CLOSET
I see a pattern. I don't like it--but I see it. I was hoping that after all of these years I wouldn't see it, but I still do.

As your husbands continue to come out of their closets, some of you are going deeper into them. You're even going deeper in than they were. I really thought that once your husbands were ready to come out, you would break through the sounds of silence that had shackled you for so long. I really thought that now you could hold your head up high and let people know, "It wasn't me after all. I wasn't the problem. He's gay--and that was the problem."
Ah, silly me! I was so sure that the song "Coming Out of the Dark" would become the theme words for all of our women when your gay husbands were running out into the light. Well, in another song "Say It Isn't So," that's not what is happening.

For some of our women, it seems that now that the closet is emptier, you just have more room to hang out in it. Instead of being less appealing, you're not only in there but also decorating it as if it is your new den or recreation room. Some of you may be feeling better reading this because in isolation, there is always comfort knowing you are not alone--and you're not.
I hear this comment more than any other from our women: "While our husbands are now out there getting accolades for their honesty and made into heroes for being honest, no one is looking our way to make us feel any better." Is that really true???
Yes, it is. Our ex's are Olympians who are crossing the finish line by coming out into a world that is harsh and cruel. They have accomplished the impossible--namely being honest after living their lie with you for so many years. Their families still embrace them. Their buddies congratulate them. They have a wide support network waiting for them. They can finally live authentically the life they were meant to live.

And then there's you. The wife in shock. Who's looking at you with empathy and compassion? Who is standing there to tell you that you're the champion who has been trying to make a broken marriage perfect and spinning yourself around in circles always stuck in the web of deceit that your husband has woven? After the initial, "Oh, that's terrible" or "I'm so sorry you had to go through this," passes, those same "compassionate" group starts wondering, "What's taking you so long to get over it? Your husband moved on and he's happy. What can't you be?"  And what they are thinking by now is, "He wasn't gay when he married you. What did you do to bring that out in him?"

Yep, once again, it's OUR fault. In society today with people buying into that  50 shades of gay theory. Every man has a shade of gay in his life because there is a popular new word out there--FLUIDITY. People weren't buying into the Kinsey Scale anymore. It was too complicated finding out which rung you were climbing up or falling off.  Now the new word is "Fluidity" which accounts for "anything goes in life for a moment, a day, reason or a season" or something like that.

Been there. Done it. Heard it. Hate it.

For those of you whose husbands won't tell others even if they are out to you or won't tell even you, that closet is even more appealing. Why? because if you tell people that your husband is gay, they are going to tell you "NO WAY!!" They will tell you that you are crazy. Or quite often I now hear this:

            He's not gay--you're just saying that because you are angry and this is your                      way of getting back at him.

Really now? In other words, women who are sick of their husbands or who have husbands who are jerks are now claiming these men are gay because they're angry?? PLEASE!!
Yep, again, silly me. A couple of weeks ago I was tuned into Steve Harvey's Family Feud. The question was "Name seven (7) things you would tell people about your husband if he left you."
Of course, the first one was, "He was bad in bed." The last one was, "He has a little penis." But guess what? Stuck in between there was, "He is gay." Now if I hadn't heard this myself, I might question someone's hearing--but it's true. It was on the list big and bold. 

So now the word is out: If you get pissed off at your husband and say he is gay when everyone else thinks is wonderful, it's because you're angry at him. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. What a laugh. Of course it's at our expense.

I figured out it has taken thousands of years to people to even start to understand that homosexuality is not a choice. Maybe in another couple of thousand years they will understand that marrying a gay man was not our choice either.

MAIL BOX
Thank you everyone who takes the time to send me feedback. Sometimes your letters are so important that I ask you permission if I can share them. Thank you to the ladies who shared this month!

Hi Bonnie!  
Your March newsletter came at a perfect time.  I have followed your newsletter for years, written you, and chatted with you.  You have ALWAYS responded to me quickly and with compassion.  I am going through a divorce, and have my first hearing tomorrow.  I don't really need any more justification for what I am doing - going through with my decision.  Yet I find that maybe I DO need all of the reassurance I can get right now.  He is trying to manipulate and guilt me in every way to stay in (suicide threats among other tactics, and he knows how to pull my heart strings), and stick with his "status quo", as I have for 14 years now.  Yet that is an understatement because there has been abuse.  For me, that is what my decision comes down to.  I am raising now 11 and 8 year old daughters, and I want us all to see "clearly from the other side".  This is about self respect.
     
I recently related with a woman who, while with her ex, wished he would just hit her, so she could say, to herself and her less than supportive family, "Okay, see- he IS abusive".  Well, I am here to say that the line can always move.  When he hits you, you want to forget (self preservation?), you want to think "it doesn't happen all the time."  You see, there is always worse, but does that mean we tolerate it?  At what point is it enough?  Is it when bars are on our windows and we are prohibited from outside contact?  Is that what finally makes it the kind of abuse it is okay to escape from?  I have experienced verbal abuse, and it is just as painful.  
'
Physical is painful because of what it does in our hearts, mind and soul.  The beauty is that our soul can survive anything, and nobody can take our soul, who we are inside.  That part of us can stay strong and fight.  The abuser doesnt even know that they can't win.  They don't know what goes on inside our head.  Our hearts and minds get wounded, but can recover.  I believe while in the relationship or marriage they can only recover so far.  When we leave, the recovery can blossom in ways we can only imagine.

 I finally got to the point I didn't care anymore if he was gay or had the madonna whore syndrome.  I came home recently, unexpected.  I was doing this to be protective of the girls and me while court papers were on their way in the mail.  I never know how he will react to things.  He is also an alcoholic.  Believe it or not, he has a Master's Degree and has an excellent "mask", plus he is an amazing chef and provider.  Anyway he was all spiffed up as if he went on a date.  Before he walked in I found porn.  I took a picture of the screen and later had a friend's husband help me find the link.  It was typical male porn, taboo in what a guy would think is "wrong" or "slutty", and excite him.  So I have concluded he most likely has Madonna whore syndrome.  However, it doesn't even matter, because your newsletter STILL applies to me.  This last letter, March 2014, strikes me, most every word.  Do I deserve REAL love?  Absolutely.  
     
My counselor and I were talking and did I sign up for this marriage?  Did I ask for a personal amazing chef (I can cook too, but it is awesome to have shopping done and wonderful food cooked all the time) and provider ONLY?  WHY did I get married?  What did I want?  Would any woman sign up for this in the beginning?  I wanted true love, compassion, support (emotional, physical, and financial is a plus), a good father and male role model for my kids, sex (that was one of my TOP desires, and I GAVE it up.  I gave up that part of me.  Come to think of it, I gave up SO much of myself), friendship.  
     
Anyway I have a great support system, ironically many are strong and intelligent women friends, plus my amazing counselor.  I am now looking at my future.  I am already a dental hygienist, but it is hard to find benefits or full time work.  Plus I gave up years of experience to support his military career and his getting his Master's.  I always wished MY dreams mattered.  Well now I am looking into my options.  Last night I was looking at an Associates in Nursing, becoming an RN, then I could pursue my Bachelor's degree while working.  I could also pursue a Master's degree if I desire.  Funny that the enrolling process is more overwhelming to me than the idea of all the studying and coursework.  I LOVE studying and learning, and can't wait to use that part of my brain.  Nursing goes along with my passions of nutrition and health, psychology, hospice and helping others.  I want to empower women, and what a better way to do it than start at home with the three girls I have.  (Myself, and the two biggest blessings that have come out of a challenging situation and "marriage".)  I know it would be the icing on the cake for these girls to see mom work hard, study hard, and accomplish goals.  

I love you, Bonnie Kaye.  Your March letter and educational pursuits and journey serve to inspire me further.  I will make myself get through the daunting enrollment process at this college (my parents helped me with all of it when I got my RDH).  I have been so scared financially and of the unknown, but I am ready to take it on now.    I am most certainly worth it, and my girls are most certainly worth it. 
Name Withheld
Dear Bonnie,

I'm writing  you this letter to say thank you, you saved my life. I think you were one of the answers to my many prayers. Thanks to your wonderful cause and all your dedication. Your blog gave me the answer i needed. Let me tell you my story...

I married 4 years ago to whom I believed was the one i would spend the rest of my life with. But we had problems since we started the planning of our wedding. His family never accepted me from the beginning because I come from a privileged background, he on the other hand comes from a working family. But he stood up for me even when his family threatened to cut him off their lives. At the end he made clear that he loved me and wanted to be with me no matter what. That's when I fell really hard for him.
We had the most beautiful wedding, but the problems began once again in our honeymoon. It was odd, to say the least. He was distant, depressed and even though we had sex, I felt no real connection between us.  He acted like he was mad at me for some reason and I always tought it was because the problems with his family were never really resolved and that in some level he blamed me for the closeness he lost with his mother.

Our first year of marriage had practically the same dynamic. He was depressed, angry at me, and had no interest to be a part of my life at all. Although we had sex, I began to realize it was only when I initiated it. He was always guarding his cell phone and stayed in the bathroom for hours. That's when i became suspicious that he might be having an affair, and started to look for some proof. I could never describe the feeling when I saw that he was having sexual encounters with other men by meeting them online. Then suddenly a lot of things fall into place. When i confronted him, he told me he was sorry that he was in fact bisexual and that he hadn't been feeling and emotional connection with me since the problems with his family started, that he felt a lot of pressure and that was his way of letting it out. But that he loved me and wanted our marriage to work. That he didn't wanted to have this other life anymore, that in the moment he was confused but he didn't wanted to lose me...and i believed him. I needed to.
We decided to stay together and that time felt like i was having the marriage and the husband i wanted from the start. I was happy. Six months later i got pregnant and i fell in love deeper with him. He was very attentive, he wanted to be with me all the time and that reassured me that everything we went trough was in the past.

We decided to move to the U.S, for a job opportunity (we are originally from Mexico) But six months after my baby was born, things started to change again. I was feeling untrusting all the time. I felt angry because the idea in the back of my mind was getting out. He could do this to me again was the only thing in my mind.

It was hard to be with a newborn on my own and being in the house by myself all day ( we had no friends or support system of any kind). The stress of the situation made me very  aggressive and that's how i justified all these feelings of lack of trust and anger towards him. I was always starting fights and telling him that i didn't trusted him. He was always saying that he understood that he was the one to blame for all our relationship issues and that i had to trust him and believe that he would never do that to me again. And i did for some time.

We had our ups and downs but last year the distance between us began to grow. The lack of interest and the resentment returned, this time in both of us. He was tired of my
nagging and i was tired of feeling lonely and rejected. After all i left behind all my family and friends to be with this man that was more of a glorified roommate than a life partner.

That's when you showed up. I began doing some research and found your website. I think the newsletter about how gay men think different than regular men changed my life. It described my husband all the way. I used to cry because I didn't understand his way of thinking and started blaming me for not being able to put our past behind. That was a regular cycle for me. I felt angry and hurt and blame him for it and then felt guilty and asked for forgiveness. The forgiveness came with a price to pay. We didn't have sex until he was able to forgive me for not trusting him.

I was really depressed, but your blog made me realize that my life wasn't supposed to be that complicated. That even if my self esteem was buried underground i deserved love and happiness and my child deserved a happy mother and a stable home. I was determined to move back to México after the holidays but i don't know if the emotions brought up by the season made second guessed my decision. I wasn't sure anymore if i was doing the right thing, but then all my question were answered by God. I was waiting for my husband to come back from work when i received a call from the ER of a hospital from another county. My husband had been taken there with an overdose. Apparently he was at the house of a man he had met online and were doing drugs. When i got there with my one year old in the middle of the night and the nurse gave me his cell phone i wanted to slap myself for being such an idiot. He did it again. In fact he had been doing it for a while. I went back home called his parents to let them know he was unconscious and that the doctors weren't sure when he was going to wake up. Or if he was going to wake up. I told them i was leaving him and packed my suitcase. Because of the season, all the flights were full and i had to stay for 2 more weeks.  At that time my husband was discharged ( i had to pick him up and bring him clothes) and he asked me to stay and give it another try for our child. I had never been so sure about anything in my life like the answer i gave him. NO! But to be honest if this would have happened without me reading your blogs, I'm not that sure the answer would have been the same.
I took a flight on new year's eve, and starting a new life with my loved ones. I'm only starting this journey and i know it won't be easy. But i am determined to move on and not letting the actions of someone else define my existence.

Thank you for being a true companion on this journey we didn't ask to walk. You saved my life. I have now the opportunity to live a happy life. I am healthy, i have a beautiful baby boy and a lot of love around me. That could have been different if i haven't got from you the strength to fight for my life.

All my blessing to you and to those who are in this painful path.

PS please excuse my terrible grammar and spelling. As you know english is my second language and when i was writing about this my brain was shut down by my heart.

Thanks again Bonnie, Name Withheld.
Dear Bonnie,

Wow!  What a powerful newsletter that was! (March 2014).  I could literally feel some of my tattered loose ends heal over.....and I have many, many tatters.  These are the logical result of having your life yanked out from underneath you...your battered heart ripped out of your chest, ..your past, and your future strewn about at your feet, by the one person in this world you thought you could trust FOREVER. A  bloody mess that wounds you to your core.

I have been in your support circle since 2006.  I function well enough on the outside for someone who has been doing this for almost 9 years.  Yep, like Bonnie, this may very well take me 11 years...or more.  It is a very complex healing process.  Many of my friends can't grasp it....are insensitive to it.  They say splitting up is so common these days--lots of people rebuild their lives (like it is in some way comparable to a normal divorce experience!!).  I think, then, it must be a case of "you really had to have been there" to really "get it".  And your support circle and newsletter "gets it". I think that some people even discount me as an angry ex, imagining the gay thing..as my ex is still playing the straight game with another unsuspecting female. I worry about..and pray for her every night...that she will figure it out faster than I did.

I had wanted to contribute to your recent book "Gay Men Say the Darndest Things". But, my youngest child went into crisis, was hospitalized, and time slipped away.  Here are some of my favourite ex-husband quotes(the excuses he used to avoid sex).

"I am the laziest person I know".  (A cop-out comment from the guy who absolutely must have a fitness club membership at all times). Is it the showers there?

"I'm afraid of hurting the baby."  (a cop out for the pregnancy months).

"I've had so much sex in my teen years that I guess I've worked it out of my system" ( a cop out that he has been using since his mid-late 20's).

"Sex on demand killed it for me.  It took all the fun out of it , and I guess it stayed with me." ( Our second child was born after 2 years of infertility, frustrating him and delaying his "I'm afraid of hurting the baby " excuse for months!!!).

'It's the medication I'm taking." ( I think he's referring to the antidepressants he was taking, and not the poppers I found in his suitcase).

"Most people don't have sex past the age of 40.  My parents sure haven't! Why do you think they have separate beds? Your parents are the exception, rather than the rule."    (His mother had insomnia.  His father snored.  They did not get along well AT ALL.    My parents, on the other hand, could not keep their hands off of each other.  They were an inspiration to all their married friends. My mother told me personally that, once they had both had double by-passes and were in their 70's, they were ending their" technical" sex lives together. This is because they were afraid that they would kill each other--with PASSION! Running up the big staircase to their bedroom-giggling and growling-was beginning to concern them, and neither of them wanted to be responsible for performing CPR.

There were many parallels in your March 2014 newsletter to my own experience. My ex feeling trapped in the marriage, when it was actually he that trapped me. Many nights I cried and he snored like a baby. He'd get angry at me for crying. He'd minimize my feelings.  By the 7th year, he told me not to talk about emotions, and by the 21st year (Whaddayaknow) he says " lets tell the kids we've drifted apart!!"  He tries to get me to accept 50/50 responsibility for why the marriage is ending, never admitting to the real reason there is no marriage left.

"Knowing the truth from our gay husbands helps us to move forward,,.to heal the scars, bridge the understanding and bring closure". Our husband denying us the truth, leaves the scars opened for an unnecessarily long time. telling the truth is the least they can do to help.

Sincerely,  Judy

Ladies, these were such powerful letters. Hopefully it will help our other women. Thank you so, so much!

ODDS AND ENDS!

Our own beloved therapist, Dr. Brian Hooper, is now on Facebook. If you are on Facebook, please go to Dr. Brian Hooper and give him a like! Brian is on my radio show the last Sunday of every month. Here's a link to our last show:


Mike Gaurroute of Linked Investigations appeared on my show this past week. He is the most incredible private investigator. Here's a link to his show:



 Don't forget--I have my support chats twice a week. Let me know if you'd like to join!!

Love, Bonnie :)



Saturday, March 15, 2014

MARCH NEWSLETTER 2014

Bonnie Kaye’s Straight Talk Newsletter
MARCH 2014     Volume 15, Issue 151

Bonnie’s Mantras:
LIFE WAS NEVER MEANT TO BE THIS COMPLICATED. PERIOD.
YOU CAN'T FIX A BROKEN MAN--BUT HE CAN BREAK YOU!
Help support Bonnie’s mission to help women and men in pain. Purchase her books from her website at www.Bonniekayebooks.com


NEXT HEALING WEEKEND: CALIFORNIA HERE WE COME!!!
My next healing weekend will be in Southern California in late September. If you are interested in receiving details, please write to me at Bonkaye@aol.com.

OUR HOUSTON GATHERING

On the first weekend of March, approximately 25 women together in Houston for a healing weekend. It was an incredible experience seeing my wonderful Texas friends and meeting new women who came from all over to bond together in this experience. We had two wonderful workshops. One was by Jeanine Finelli, our Straight Wives health consultant, and the other was from Jason, the leader of our Adult Children's group. Some of our women in the networked have been healed, but they are kind enough to give support to others who are still suffering. As my little adopted sister Debbie says, "Pay Forward." It means if you've received help, give it to others who are in need. That's how we recover and help others through the process. I miss my Texas ladies!! What an amazing group you all are!!

HAPPY 13 YEAR ANNIVERSARY TO STRAIGHT TALK NEWSLETTER!!!

Can you believe it was 13 years ago that I issued my first issue of Straight Talk Newsletter? As I start my 14th year, I think back to how many of our women have found the road to sanity and light through my words and the words of my support network members who are generous in contributing their stories. There is little information available to women on an ongoing basis to address every possible issue that we go through. This newsletter has given me the opportunity to reach out to women all over the world who all share the same common bond.

My newsletter has grown from 30 people in 2001 to over 7,000 women in 2014. I try to send everyone the highlights from all the past issues when they first contact me because I'm unable to figure out how to do "less than more"! When women learn about this tragedy, they need to hear about what it really is all about. If one message doesn't get to them, hopefully another one will.

 I would like to repeat one of my most important messages from those early days of my newsletters. This article was in the 2nd edition of my newsletter. Many of you read this first in my back newsletters that I send out, but it is so worth repeating again because of the importance of the meaning: (From April, 2001)

PROFOUND AND REVEALING WORDS FROM A GAY EX-HUSBAND

I receive several letters each week from men who are struggling to come out to their wives. I respond quickly to these men in hopes that my support and encouragement will give them the courage to be honest with their wives. I also receive several letters each month from gay men who find my website or see my book who commend me for the work I am doing in helping people understand the complexities of straight/gay marriages.

Two months ago, I received a letter from a man who was about to become an important part of my life. Jay is an attorney in Pennsylvania. He is the first man I have ever met who can write words in a manner that clarified all of my own thoughts and feelings allowing me to conceptualize a key to the problem of straight/gay marriages that I will share with you. Jay’s sensitivity and honesty reflects what most of us would like our husbands or ex-husbands to tell us. Too few of us ever get to hear these words.  I asked Jay if I could reprint some of his thoughts because I believe it validates so much of what all of us feel and need to hear. After reading his words, I am sure you will appreciate not only what he says, but also the beauty of how he says it.

Jay’s first communication to me in early February stated:

 I am a gay man who was married for 23 years. My ex-wife and I have two
children.  I am writing to encourage you to continue the important work
you are doing.  I only wish that in 1996 when I finally began to come
out that there had been resources such as yours to support our family
through our transition.


I thanked him for his kind words, and his response was this:

 I think that both men and women in these circumstances must recognize that there are no winners but there are survivors who create new ways to relate, maintain, support and redefine their family.  In the process of ending my marriage, I lost my best friend and the dream we had of growing old together.  Slowly, we have worked to continue to parent our children in accordance with the many values that we continue to share.  There are many things I would, in retrospect  have done and handled differently, but my single largest regret is that I did not deal with the secret of my sexuality while still in my marriage and in the years of counseling before divorce.  So to those men who you counsel , I would urge them to give the woman they chose to love and bear children the earliest chance to deal with the truth.  They probably will not have a marriage together, but they will at least have a chance of preserving the love that once brought them together with hopes and plans for a lifetime.

More words of insight kept coming as the weeks progressed. I will highlight just a few of these pearls that will lead to my conclusion:

I keep reminding myself of the shame that fueled my own 'denial' and kept me closeted for most of my life, however I also know the damage that secrets do to those who keep them and would like to teach that lesson to my kids as well. 

…my kids have always been a priority.  I can recall vividly, my own frustration at seeking advice on how to come out to my kids and finding little support from the gay or straight communities.  Of course, I was looking for the right way to do it and assure that the kids would not go off the deep end or reject me.  No one could have given me the surefire approach.  However, I think there is a real void.  God knows there are self help books out there on everything else. 

No woman deserves to be in this situation.  In the past, I spent a lot of time searching my own soul, trying to figure out how much of the failure of my marriage was attributable to homosexuality and how much was the struggle for control, neediness and other dynamics extant in any couple relationship.  My ex-wife and I hurt each other a lot.  There are still things about her that I dislike, but I have concluded that the presence of my secret in that relationship was the primary poison.  Much of the rest of our conflicts flowed from it....the absence of trust, the neediness, possessiveness, the anger and ultimately the conflict that I both created (even if it was not by premeditated design) and used to find the impetus despair and courage to leave.  Accordingly, as painful as it is to admit, I know that the secret and immutability of my homosexuality is inextricably bound up in all that was wrong in our relationship.  Yes, I had difficult issues to confront. As with any person facing difficult times, some of them I handled quite poorly.  I could empathize with your own horror and dismay at how you thought and acted at various points.

I share your belief that  bisexuality is often a transitional label and crutch used by homosexuals unable or unwilling to come to terms with their natural orientation.   I lived that myself.  After my separation from my wife,  I woke one morning after a date with a woman and was appalled by the self discovery that I might do this to another woman because I hated who and how I was.

And the most profound words were yet to come:

I was much more demanding about the order around me when I was married to my ex-wife.  While I still like a nice home, I find I am less compulsive about cleaning and demanding that those around me keep things tidy and neat.  I believe that my need for external order in my prior life was a way of coping with my own internal chaos (and tension created by my attempts to compartmentalize my being.)  Of course, my discomfort with disorder at home also served to legitimize my disappointment in my ex-wife as a homemaker.  "If only she were a better wife.......we would be happy" was my mantra. Indeed, she was disorganized and sloppy, but as it turned out, I have realized that  IF ONLY SHE HAD BEEN A MAN,  I WOULD HAVE BEEN MORE TOLERANT.  Ouch.

All of Jay’s words allowed me come to a great realization. For those of us who have or had gay husbands who complained actively or passively about our inadequacies and faults as wives, I have another thought:

Who would we be today if we had a straight husband? How would our destiny have changed if we were loved, nurtured, sexually desired with passion and tenderness, given emotional support and encouragement, and made to feel like we were part of a real couple in tune with each other’s needs, wants, and aspirations? What if we didn’t have to spend countless hours each day wondering why we were failures as wives, women, and lovers—ripping away our self-esteem layer by layer until we became strangers unto ourselves and others? What if our husbands’ dishonesty and cheating didn’t change us to become untrusting, suspicious, and doubting wives, forcing us to question our ability to make rational decisions? How many of us were sidetracked through those “detours of deceit” that diverted us from the direction that life might have taken otherwise?

Bottom line—no matter how much a gay man loves a straight woman, it is not the kind of love that fulfills the basic human need that all of us have. It can never be the kind of love that inspires the music that becomes classics or the poetry that makes the heart flutter. It is not the kind of love that can ever be returned to the degree that you are giving it. Even the best of relationships are barely more than great friendships—not the passion and excitement that make us thrive and look forward to waking up each day. And even these relationships are woven with dishonesty, distrust, infidelity, resentment, and frustration. Life was not meant to be this complicated.  

What Jay has done for me personally is say what I am still waiting for my ex-husband to say after 20 years. Occasionally, a word of wisdom will float out from my  ex-husband expressing how “screwed up” he was through the years. Does it change anything? Not really. But yes, knowing the truth does help validate who we are, what we became because of our gay husbands, and how we can change and now move forward. It’s the first step towards healing the scars, bridging the understanding, and bringing closure to a chapter in our lives.

************************
These words written 13 years ago still ring so true today. I think back to my marriage in 1978 and how debilitating it was to my personal growth. I spent most of my time trying to "protect" my marriage by staying locked indoors. I did that because I was so fearful of what would happen when I went out of those doors. There were guys popping in and out of my home when I was away, so maybe staying home would change things. Of course it didn't. My ex just learned how to go out of those doors to do his "thing." That led me to my part-time career of being a detective. All those wasted hours of trying to "catch him" and "stop him" could have been used productively to enhance my own life. Ugggghhhhhhh.

I think of how many of you are doing the same thing--trying to protect a doomed marriage. Maybe if you can investigate enough websites, emails, texting, phone calls, bank receipts, credit cards, car tracking--then maybe you'll have the evidence in hand that your husband can still lie about with some plausible explanation making you think that you really are going crazy.
When your husband tells you, "Don't be silly," you think, "Okay--so we don't have sex. Is that all marriage is about?"

 You comfort yourself by justifying his bad behavior. In fact, instead of his feeling guilty for lying and cheating, YOU FEEL GUILTY for accusing him and not trusting him. Silly you--how can you do that to a man who is a good family man?  Oh yes, you are in your 30's or 40's or 50's and now expected to live without the love that is due to you sexually.
Suppressing the need to be a woman is only fair, isn't it?  After all, he is suppressing his need to be a gay man, so why should you be benefiting from his sacrifice? At least that is how he is thinking in many cases. One gay husband said to me during a counseling session: "I'm stuck here for now because she won't let go--but I don't have to try to please her that way. If I'm stuck, why should she get the "bennies? If I'm not happy, don't expect me to make her happy. If I can't go out and have sex, why would she expect me to have sex with her and make her happy?" Hmmmmm...that gave me something to think about!  Okay, I thought about it. Tell me if you can follow this thinking or maybe I don't get it:

A gay man marries a straight woman by his own choice and feels "trapped" by her in marriage. She can't understand what is wrong in her marriage and keeps trying hard as hell to            make it work. It's not working, but he's still stuck where he doesn't want to be. His lack of happiness is making him miserable to live with--and now she has to be punished more. She isn't getting any sex because she married him. Does that make sense? No--and neither does anything about this kind of marriage.

In my years married to my gay husband, I died. I was walking through the valley of death like a zombie, and I was "pulseless."  My life became an illusion and a distortion. Tears fell down my face almost every day and night. I cried--he snored like a baby. Yes, he was sleeping soundly and didn't bother to hear my tears. On an occasional late night trip to the bathroom, he would wake up and be annoyed that I was crying. He asked me, "What's wrong?" When I replied something isn't right in our marriage, he would comfort me with words like, "Don't be silly." I didn't feel relieved at this point--I felt minimized. That is the best word I can describe about how I felt in my marriage to my gay husband is MINIMIZED.  My feelings didn't count--I was just being "silly." Yep, MINIMIZED.

Finding the love of a straight man for the past 20 years has made me MAXIMIZED. You most likely haven't felt this if you have spent your life with a gay husband who can never love you "more" than like a family member or want you "less" as a lover. And guess what? The moment my marriage ended, I started "MAXIMIZING" myself. It took me eleven years to open my heart and want to see a man again. During those years I thrived because I was able to remove myself from "inside the box." The box meaning my little house of horrors. I could finally step "out of the door" and "into the light," and I found a whole new world waiting for me.
I did amazing things during that period. In addition to being a single mother of two little babies, go to college, earned my Bachelor's and Master's Degree, wrote articles for a local gay newspaper and a weekly column "Straight Talk," started my support network, designed programs for an accredited  career school,  taught at our local community college, and built new friendships. All of this self "validating" work helped me learn to love myself. Yep, I had to love me first before I could really learn to love someone else in a HEALTHY way!  I was truly MAXIMIZED!!!

It is never too late to maximize your life. No matter how old you are or how long you've been married, you can always take those steps to learn to love yourself even if you have forgotten who you once were. Don't let the years of existing make you forget that you were once living--and you will live again!

UPCOMING BLOG TALK RADIO SHOWS

Each Sunday evening, I have a live computer radio show on www.blogtalkradio.com at 10 p.m. EST, 9 p.m. CT, 8 p.m. MT, and 7 p.m. PT. All the shows are archived, so if you can't listen live, you can listen to the podcast at your convenience.

In the search box, type in Straight Wives Talk Show.

March 16 - I'm proud to introduce guest Alexa Servodidio, a therapist in Westchester, New York. Alexa has her own radio show about relationship healing on Wednesday evenings. She is a dynamite lady who is dedicated to helping women in abusive situations.

March 23 - My dear friend Wendy from Houston, who with her great writing talent, helps us heal with her many lists and roads to recovery.

March 30 - There's a "doctor in the house" the last Sunday of every month with             Dr. Brian Hooper. He always makes us feel better!

April 6 - The inspiring, ultra talented Coach Suzette Hinton inspires us by singing the sounds of her life that inspire her and us!
LOVE, BONNIE

Saturday, February 15, 2014

FEBRUARY 2014 NEWSLETTER

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU!!!

I'm a big believer in repeating important messages. So even though Valentine's Day has passed, many of you are still stinging because the day wasn't all you hoped it would be. To some of you it is a reminder of how you were duped in your marriage that promised love forever but gave you divorce instead. For others who are still trapped in their marriages, well, there's nothing like being married to someone who is more like your brother than a husband neither wanting you or desiring you like a woman--namely because you are a woman.

For straight wives, Valentine's Day is usually a wash. Oh yes--we can try to make it pleasant by telling ourselves that it's a day of love for everyone around us like our children, friends, and parents.  That's how we take those lemons and turn them into lemonade.  But in reality, we know in our  heads it is for the men in our "hearts"--not the men in our "hurts."
Some of us have made all kinds of "mental adjustments" of why we don't have that "lust" in our marriages instead of the "lack-luster." We buy into our husbands' words of, "We are not newlyweds anymore," and "Why don't you grow up and stop acting like a love-struck teenager?" 

I'm sorry to tell you that those words are typical of coming from a gay man. A straight man wants to make love to you and desires you when they love you. Trust me. I know. My soulmate of 20 plus years still loves to make love with me even though we are OLD and way out of shape! That lust should always be part of a partnership--not the sexual rejection you can count on from a gay man. And even if he's placating you by doing it "to you" rather "with you" in bed, it's not to make you happy--it's to make you think you're crazy if you think he is gay.    

How do I know this? Because gay married men tell me this. Are they thinking about your body and getting sexually turned on? No, they may love you, but they are lusting after their masculine body type to get turned on to you--not by you. Sometimes it even works. But I don't have to tell you how many times it doesn't work, do I? You already know that.

Sexual rejection is especially painful on Valentine's Day. All your preparations for a romantic evening with the man you love and want will rarely pay off. It doesn't matter how good the meal is or the cards and gifts are. That moment of repayment in terms of wanting to spend a "romantic night" with you is still in the distance like a mirage. You can see it--but you can't touch it. Most importantly, you can't personalize because it really isn't personal. You are a woman--and he is a gay man. Remember--gay men don't think straight--and gay men don't want straight women to make love to. Period.
COLLECTIVE RESPONSIBILITY
It's funny--sort of. I do a lot of counseling with gay men to come out to their wives. Trust me--it takes a lot of effort to make this happen; however, I believe that honesty is essential no matter how much it hurts the woman when she learns the truth. Sadly, not every woman sees it this way. Some of them believe I am the cause for the downfall of their marriages. They were very content living their life as ostriches and hiding their heads way below the ground. Everything was going great until I came a long and "convinced" their husbands to disclose their homosexuality. Yes, a couple of these women have actually blamed me for the breakup of their marriages. Huh??? Trust me, I didn't talk their husbands into being gay--just into being honest.
Anyway, sticks and stones will break my bones, etc. Hopefully one day these women will see that their "perfect" marriages really weren't perfect at all. They were distortions of what a marriage should be. If they find a straight husband, they will finally learn that as so many write to me at a later time.

Getting back to my point. When women write to me about the end of their marriages, it is often with remorse. They call themselves all kinds of names--stupid, blind, oblivious, in denial, etc. All of you know that I never judge any woman for not knowing or not understanding even if she knows. Remember--I was warned two weeks prior to my marriage and ignored the warning. Who am I to throw stones when I lived in that same glass house?  When I confronted my gay ex-husband about accusations that had been made about him, he nearly threw over the dinner table we were eating at and shouted, "How dare someone accuse me of being gay?" Wow, I was so relieved. Any doubts I had quickly disappeared and I was full of hope and happiness. He even explained why the guy who told me his suspicions could have "misinterpreted" his words. He was trying to help the young man with some confidential sexual problems he was having thinking he might be gay. So my valiant ex in his effort to make the young man come to terms with himself told him not to worry. All men go though those feelings in life, especially in early adulthood. After all, he did too! But he fully reassured me that he just made that part up in order for the young man to feel more comfortable. It did make sense. My wedding was less than two weeks away, and was I going to let the suspicions of some young guy stop me from getting married? Of course not. It was so much easier to believe that lie for sure.

The difference between me and some of you is that I didn't want to KEEP believing the lies and pretend they were truths. Once the seed of doubt was planted in my brain, I was always second-guessing my ex's lies about his activities. After I heard the line, "Don't be ridiculous," enough times, I became tuned into the BIG LIE. When he would say that I'm crazy, I realized that meant I was correct in my suspicions. I wanted to be wrong, but I didn't pretend to be anymore.
You see, there comes a point when you have to stop believing the lies. Many of you have been candid with me and told me that you chose to believe the lies your husbands were telling you even though you had your doubts. It was far more palatable to go along with them than not believing them. After all, if you didn't believe the lies, you would be stuck with the truth--the truth that your husband is gay. That's a truth that most people don't want to face.  

As long as you are living his lie and knowing that you're doing it, he will continue to lie because there is no reason to admit the truth to you. Look--he is living a lie to start with. He is a gay man in a straight suit. He is playing the game. He's had a lifetime of role models that he can imitate. He knows what "straight" looks like. He grew up in a straight home. He is able to pass through life by "acting straight." He is able to get through sex with you by watching enough videos and seeing what he is supposed to do. Trust me, it doesn't come naturally. They learn to "mimic" the moves. And yes, they can "bust a move" for a while. They can convince themselves that they aren't gay because they can have an erection with you and do what they are supposed to do. They can even have an orgasm with you convincing YOU that they are straight. Trust me--I know. Your children are proof that they can do that. But also trust me when I tell you they are not "lusting" after you the way a straight man wants a woman.

Straight men are on auto pilot when it comes to sex. Gay men are can barely put this together and when they do, it is usually after drinking, drugging, or fantasizing. What straight men think about and fantasize about throughout the day--namely making love with you--gay men are thinking about it also as they have to figure out how they are going to do it. It reminds me of the lyrics to this song "Doin' What Comes Naturally" from Annie Get Your Gun from the 1950's" written by Irving Berlin:

You don't have to know how to read or write
When you're out with a feller in the pale moonlight.
You don't have to look in a book to find out
What he thinks of the moon and what is on his mind.
That comes naturally...that comes naturally.

Actually we can learn some more lessons from that little ditty:

Grandpa Bill is on the hill
With someone he just married.
There he is at ninety-three,
Doin' what comes naturally...doin' what comes naturally.

Actually we can take a lesson from this song's words. For straight men, sex with women comes naturally. It's on their mind more often than not.  For gay men, making love to a woman is such an effort or painful. Whatever time you put into planning your romantic evening, your gay husband is putting in just as much time planning how he is going to have sex with you when he doesn't want to. For him, sex is doing things "unnaturally."

The flames cooling off in the bedroom should be the first red flag you missed. You can tell me that you thought this is how life goes because you are now busy. You are both under pressure raising children and making ends meet financially. So that's a reason to stop having sex? Do you really think straight people stop having sex for that reason? Straight men do complain that their wives may not want to have sex for some of those reasons--but THEY STILL WANT IT.
How many nights can your husband be too tired to make love to you? 365 each year? 360? 350? Because it is rare that when you're married to a gay man to have sex more than that after the first few years. Yes. A red flag. But when he lies to you about it, you'd rather go along with it than confront it.   

Sex is the biggest red flag, but there are many other red flags waiving in your face that you are missing because you are really naive or because you really want to believe his lies. They include:

1. I wasn't looking at gay porno on the computer. It was a pop-up.
2. So what if I have gay male friends. I'm comfortable with my sexuality.
3. I like going to gay bars with my friends. It's such a compliment when a gay man tries to pick you up especially when you're straight.
4. Don't you know that gay men can't have sex with straight women? We have two children. What are you thinking?
5. Of course I have a private password for the computer. Everyone needs privacy.
6. I may have had an experience or two in my past, but all men experiment during their earlier years.
7. You snore too loud. I don't like sleeping in the same room as you. It keeps me up all night.
8. So what if I spend a lot of time at the gym. You want me to be in shape, don't you?
9. I would want you more if you would lose weight...gain weight...had bigger breasts...had smaller breasts...didn't smell "down there"....had better breath.
10. Stop acting like a nymphomaniac all the time. We're not 20 anymore.

And once you realize they are lies, stop pretending that they are not. The more you protect the lies of your gay husband, the more you encourage him to lie. Stop encouraging him. Know him for what he is. Remember--every day he lives with you as a straight husband is a lie. Now--lying  that comes "naturally" for him. Don't let him continue to do it. Living his lie with him should never be your goal or you'll be stuck there indefinitely.


MAILBOX
Each month I receive a lot of letters from women. If there is one that I think can help others, I'll ask you if I permission to use it in my upcoming newsletter. I will keep your letter as confidential as you like.

Dear Bonnie,
Gay husband discovery, and recovery, is such a shock to the system.  It can take years to heal.  I remained in the same house, with my kids, for eight years after the separation. This was a house he and I had chosen together.  After all that time, my recovery seemed to stall.. and I still had several very tender spots. It felt secure to remain in the same house in the beginning, but now it seemed like a house of pain. The kids no longer wanted to look at the house either.   I packed up my family and moved. 
Not far, less than a mile, but it has made a difference.  As I unpacked, I discarded anything that caused me pain to look at. The result was several new pieces of furniture, and a house set up by myself and my kids, to our liking. A house where my gay ex-husband has never entered.  There are two large sycamore trees growing curbside.  My friend says they look like they have a skin condition, and their trunks are not attractive.  Not to me!!!  They are symbolic.  The old, rough bark easily peels off, to expose the smooth green and yellow trunk. Every spring the old bark falls, and the new bark is exposed.  And some times...I help peel...reminding myself that each year, there will be new healing.
JB

That's it for the month! Remember to learn to love yourself. You can always count on you, and you'll never be able to love someone in a healthy way unless you do. If you haven't listened to any of my computer radio shows, here are the links to some recent good ones that you can cut and paste into your browser:

DONNA ANDERSEN - How To Deal with a Sociopath from www.Lovefraud.com

MARY ANN GLYNN - surviving Post Traumatic Stress from your marriage

JASON - Coordinator of Adult Children of Gay Fathers

Love, Bonnie♥ 

GETTING READY FOR HOUSTON!!!

In two weeks from today, I'll be embracing some of the best women in the world in Houston, Texas. Our Texas healing weekends are a wonderful vehicle for meeting others who know what you're thinking before you say it. There will be lots of validation from the women attending as well as the adult children who will join us to share their issues. If you are interested in joining us, please write to me at Bonkaye@aol.com You can change your life and begin to really heal on the road to Gay Husband Recovery. xoxo

Thursday, January 16, 2014

JANUARY NEWSLETTER 2014


Bonnie Kaye’s Straight Talk Newsletter
JANUARY 2014     Volume 14, Issue 149
Bonnie’s Mantras:
LIFE WAS NEVER MEANT TO BE THIS COMPLICATED. PERIOD.
YOU CAN'T FIX A BROKEN MAN--BUT HE CAN BREAK YOU!

THE NEXT HEALING WEEKEND - MARCH 1/2 IN HOUSTON TEXAS!

My next Healing Weekend will be in Houston, Texas, on March 1st and 2nd. The women in Texas are strong and compassionate, and I know you will love meeting them including two of my radio show favorites,  Grace and Wendy. Everyone who attends a healing weekend leaves feeling far more validated than before. Some even have quick life changes after all of the positive energy that reaches out to them. If you would like information, please write to me at Bonkaye@aol.com as soon as possible!

HAPPIER NEW YEAR TO ALL OF YOU

The New Year is always a time of hope and inspiration for most of us. Some of us look forward to new starts while others look forward to new endings. Regardless of where you are on the road to Gay Husband Recovery, knowing that others can feel your pain is always comforting--and VALIDATING. As I've said before, we are not part of a vocal national movement of survivors like those who survive other catastrophes. We are hidden and quiet. No one is out there shouting, "I'm proud I survived my gay husband...Yaaaaaaaay!!!" Yep, no special awards or recognition or ribbons for this one. In fact, most of us barely acknowledge this information to anyone. Yes, we are still in our husbands' closets long after our husbands have left them to claim their "authentic new lives." Or reclaimed. Or carry on in secret. Or whatever--away from you.

It is my plan this year to start moving forward on my "His Fault Divorce" national movement. I think the only way women are going to stop being victims is to become victors. We don't feel like victors when some of our gay husbands hold the financial purse strings over our heads forcing us into financial ruin in order to get a fair divorce.

I tell this with sincerity to all of our gay husbands who contact me:

 You have no choice in being gay. And I even accept that MOST of you married in good faith loving your wives or even in some cases "in love" with your wives at the time you said, "I do." But you didn't--you couldn't. You are gay. Take responsibility. That means financial responsibility. This is not a divorce coming about because things didn't work out between two people--it's a divorce that comes about because you are gay and don't belong in a marriage to a woman. It's really all that simple. You don't have to complicate it and make it any more difficult than that. You need to pay for this divorce and not drag your wife down a further road to hell than the one she has been on or facing ahead. You made the mistake. You need to do the right thing and FIX IT by being emotionally and financially responsible. Yes, it may cost you more than  you would like to pay in terms of money, but you'll come out with so much more when it comes to feeling good about having INTEGRITY. Your children will respect you, and your wife may be able to forgive you because you are doing the best you can in this sad situation.

Sadly, most gay husbands are not coming to me. They are going to groups that feel differently than we feel. Some of these groups are telling them that it's their time to live their life and enjoy it. They've already sacrificed too many years taking care of you and the children. They put their lives on hold doing "the right thing," and now it's time to move on. They will sit and "bitch" about their nagging wives and convince each other that gay wasn't the issue. They could have stayed forever in a "good" marriage and be gay. While they were working hard to support the family and sacrifice their happiness, all you were doing was complaining. You were never happy no matter how hard they worked. Now it's their turn--and in the words of Celo Green, "Forget You." Most likely they are saying the words in the original title which I won't print here, but you get the idea.

So given the choice of the Bonnie Kaye Integrity Way or the Gay Husband "Forget You" Way, which road do you think most of your husbands are going to choose? They will take the high road leaving you on the dry road rather than my road to INTEGRITY. Therefore, we need to start trying to do something to make it better for us now or for others in the future who are in our shoes.

I am going to launch my plan to make a stand this spring. I will ask you then as I have in the past to actively work with me on this issue. I have some volunteers, but I need many more to make this happen. When we stand up for ourselves, then we will have the respect of others who will finally stop thinking that we had any responsibility or fault in this situation. We need to stand up for ourselves and fight for what is rightfully ours without feeling ashamed or embarrassed. Your husbands' homosexuality is his issue--it shouldn't have to define you forever or push you further back into the closet.

When I am in Houston for our healing weekend on March 1/2, I will roll out my plan to others who are looking to move ahead. Then I will put it send it out to you in my March newsletter. Hopefully this will be a Happier New Year for all of us if we stick together.  

THE LONG AND WINDING ROAD OF TWENTY YEARS!!!

I have been writing about my wonderful soulmate since I started writing this newsletter in 2001. Now, on January 5, we celebrated our 20-year anniversary. It was a long and winding road, but it was one that taught me how to feel good about myself as a human being and as a person. Having unconditional love from someone who also wanted great sexual experiences for twenty years really has done wonders for me. It has given me the inspiration to write the words that many of you cling on to while you are going through your hopeless days thinking you are alone or never going to feel better about life.

We have had some rough spots, but 95% of our time has been magic. I don't think you can ask for more than that. We are not married, and most likely, won't be. As I wrote in my book Manreaders: A Woman's Guide to Dysfunctional Men, I know myself well enough to know that I love the romance rather than the day-to-day companionship, and I don't have to apologize for that. Seeing the man you love four or five days a week and talking in between has kept our time together quality time. Many of you have commented to me over the years that would be the most you could ask for as well. For those of you who are younger, you may feel very different and that is fine! But now that both of us are way past middle age, we're happy just as we are.

I am telling you this because it is so important to hold out and give yourself a chance to heal after your marriages. Learning who you are before you jump to the next man is so important. And trust me--I know how hard it is for some women who have felt that constant sense of rejection on both a personal and sexual level for so long in their marriages. But without waiting, unraveling the emotional mess you are leaving, and getting to know and love yourself again, you are doomed to repeat this mistake over and over again. There are so many predators out there waiting for you.

Here is a case in point. One of our straight sisters overseas allowed me to share her story with you:

Dear Bonnie:

I was trapped in an unhappy marriage to a man who had spent the duration of our married life looking at gay porn. He had a gay facebook account and was looking at webcams of gay men on a regular basis. I had asked him on many occasions if he was interested in men and he had come up with a range of seemingly legitimate excuses. Looking back, these were purely farcical, but, at the time, I would have believed anything from the man I loved.

It was at this time when I met Derek. He was exciting, very attentive and seemed to adore spending time with me. For an attention starved woman, who was married to a gay man, that was the best thing that had ever happened to me in around a decade. His brutal honesty was very appealing. He quickly informed me that my husband was indeed gay, that straight men didn't look at gay porn, end of story, let alone do all of the other things he had done. I was wasting my time with him and he would help me, just as a friend, as I needed my life sorting out. This conversation arose after a drunken night out, where I had fallen out with my friends and called him on my way home. We spoke for around two hours and I told him everything about my life and how unhappy I was with it.

Derek and I began a sexual relationship while I hunted for yet more proof that my ex husband was gay. I didn't think anyone would believe me on what I had found and I would look like the bad person who had run away with another man. This evidence appeared a few months later when I found out he had seen a gay friend of mine and they enjoyed a lot more than just each others company. I told my husband it was over and began to make plans to leave.

Derek was amazing at this time and was showering me with gifts and listened to me for hours and hours while I told him about my life. Our sex life was amazing and I started to enjoy sex again and learn that women can have fun in the bedroom too. I stopped my negative thoughts and actually started to believe I was worth something. Derek was the life and soul of the party and sent me joke after joke throughout my days. I spent time at his place relaxing, away from the daily grind, and we made plans to enjoy the rest of our life together. I couldn't believe my luck, finally something was going right. I ignored some of the warning signs that Derek wasn't quite what he made out to be, he was incredibly possessive and often sat outside my house at night while I slept. He bad mouthed all of my friends and had a reputation for being a nasty man and had served time in prison.

We moved in together the following March, and for a while things were pretty perfect. He was kind and attentive. He took time to get to know my two children and he took them for days out. Everyone told me how well I had done as he was a really nice person.

However, cracks began to show. Derek refused to use any contraception with me and then allowed me to take the blame for my ex being gay, which put him at risk from getting a sexually transmitted disease. I was an evil person for allowing this to happen and I should go to an std clinic to get tested. If we had a disagreement he would disappear and leave me alone at night. He would refuse to answer his phone to me and leave me worrying about what I had done and where he had gone. He started to moan about my children's behavior and tell me that a biological child wouldn't be that hard to manage. That my two children were very badly behaved and we only had peace while they were at their dads. He was unkind to my dog and had stopped her from sleeping in my bedroom. She was only allowed in the kitchen and was chained outside when I was out without any water, even in the middle of summer. He began to criticize me for the clothes that I wore and the way I had my hair.

Gradually over time these things happened more and more often and by July that year I was pregnant. Derek said he was delighted, but when he was on the phone to his mates he made out that I had deceived him. He told his friends that I had told him I couldn't have children. I knew I had been honest with him, but seeds of doubt grew in my mind and I began to wonder if I had deceived him

I have to be honest now about what Derek was. He was an abuser and he abused me and my children in my own home. When I fell pregnant with his child, the abuse escalated. He would leave me stranded in the family home. I had moved away from my friends and family to spend my life with him and he spent time convincing me that my friends were no good and weren't really friends. He cut me off from a lot of support networks as I lost touch with a lot of them. If I wanted to go out he convinced me that it was a bad idea and made me feel so bad about abandoning him that I would cancel. When I fell pregnant, he came up with the perfect excuse to keep me at home. He was very attentive but insisted that I rest a lot so wasn't able to keep up a social life. I stopped going out and for a while he used my car leaving his van behind, as it used a lot of diesel, and we needed the money. This left me stranded in the village as I was too unsure to drive the van. He never used his cash to fill the car up so I covered my diesel as well as his.

Derek had periods of not working, as he was self-employed, and that left me covering for all of the bills in the family home. When he did work it was nights and he slept most of the day. He expected me to keep the children quiet and grew angry if they made the slightest noise. He threatened me with hurting them as they were so badly behaved and even threatened to kill them if he fell terminally ill and often spoke of the various ways he would like to torture them. He filled my head with stories of the violence he had inflicted on people and he left me with no doubt that he could hurt them if I ever tried to leave or end the relationship.

There was no form of negotiation in our relationship. I was always the one in the wrong. If I asked him for money to cover the bills he told me that the work was drying up or that he only just had enough to cover his bills and was unable to support me with the ones I needed. He was the sort of person that didn't exist on paper and he had several addresses where he resided but he could never be traced at any. If he wanted his own way about anything he either put pressure on so that I would give in or threatened to harm one of my children or my ex husband. I trod on eggshells every day and often took my children out of the house to avoid his outbursts or the chance that he would harm them. On the odd day when we were at home, the children would always insist on coming with me to the shop or on a walk around the block after my youngest was born.

If things were bad before mine and Derek's baby was born, they became a million times worse after she was. He disappeared for a day after I had my first membrane sweep leaving me stranded with two children unable to get to hospital should I go into labor. When I went into hospital to have her, he refused to come in while I had an emergency c section and then kept my daughter with him after she was born. I didn't see her for the first hour after her birth. That night he called me telling me that my dog had done a runner and he couldn't find her. He called me a couple of hours later to say she had rematerialized. When he took me home after two days of being hospitalized, he refused to wait until I had strapped her in to the car and drove off very quickly. He stopped after a few minutes of driving to allow me to strap her in and I was crying from the pain of my operation. He then zoomed off moaning about how his feet and arms were hurting from having to carry the car seat to the car and my bags. Never mind the operation I had just had and how much him driving at 100 miles an hour was hurting my scar from the surgery.

When we arrived home, I spoke to my other two children who were very distressed as they hadn't spoken to me for a couple of days and Derek had refused to allow them to see me at the hospital. He didn't want my 'gay ex-husband' near his daughter. He then threatened to hurt my ex as he had expressed how upset he was with me about not letting my two older children visit me in hospital. Derek told me to give him his number or he would go there and 'fuck him up'. I called a neighbor in distress and she came over to diffuse the situation.

When my littlest was severely ill with tonsillitis and there was a possibility of her being hospitalized. He disappeared, leaving me stranded without any means of getting to the hospital for over 24 hours. He left me stranded several hours on another occasion when my car failed its mot, my youngest had gastroenteritis at the time and I had no means of getting home until he decided to collect me. He disappeared more and more regularly at this time refusing to answer his phone and leaving me wondering where he was. My youngest was a difficult sleeper and I was often tired, but he expected me to deal with this alone and moaned if he didn't get his full night's sleep, despite me being up and feeding her several times a night. If I was tired and grouchy he made me feel worse.

The verbal abuse escalated too and the put downs became more and more frequent. My hair was horrible, my teeth were yellow, my skin was a mess and I was moody and ugly. These happened most often in front of his friends and family. It was constant. He hit my dog more and more regularly and was leaving her outside for hours on end. I never actually saw him hit her but she limped frequently and had cuts and bruises. He told me it was my two oldest children that were doing it and I needed to protect my youngest from harm. I kept the door to my bedroom locked at night and only allowed them supervised contact during the day. It was a horrible life.

I was starting to see all of the things he was doing after Christmas and tried a few times to kick him out. He always turned the waterworks on, and I felt sorry for him and agreed to give him chance after chance.

Things finally came to a head when he assaulted my son in April last year. He hemorrhaged behind his ear drum and caused a bruise 12 x 12 cms. I kicked him out and started to take control of my life once more. Social services and the police became involved and I have managed to turn my life around. It's been an up and down road since then but I can safely say things are beginning to get a bit better. I have received some support from domestic abuse services and have moved to a safe location. Derek is no longer a part of our lives and we hope it stays that way.

I would firmly advise a woman in a gay marriage to get out and stay out. But take your time and heal before moving on with your life, it's too easy to jump out of the frying pan and into the fire!!!!!

A straight spouse sister

Keeping this in mind, I asked Donna Andersen from Lovefraud.com if I could reprint an article from one of her recent newsletters. This is an issue that affects many of our women in one form or another:

I recently received an email from a Lovefraud reader who had only one question. It’s a question I hear frequently: Do sociopaths return?

The answer: Some of them don’t, but some of them do. Many people who have been romantically involved with sociopaths experienced the sudden “devalue and discard.” One day the sociopath loves you. The next day the sociopath tosses you aside like a used tissue and walks away, without ever looking back.

As the person left behind, you may be in shock. You may have had no idea that your partner was unhappy. You may ask yourself, did I do something wrong? Why didn’t he or she say something? Can’t we work this out?

You are also astounded at the callousness of your partner’s behavior. All those statements of “I love you” and “we’re soul mates” — did they mean nothing? After all the time you spent together, and everything you’ve been through, how can this person just leave?

The answer may be that your former partner has drained all your resources, and there’s nothing left to take. Or your former partner has simply found a juicier target. Or your partner simply decides that he or she is bored. For whatever reason, you are no longer of any use, and the sociopath is gone. If this person doesn’t return, consider yourself lucky.

The return

Sometimes the sociopath does return. They often have a sixth sense of when you may be receptive to hear from them. They just seem to know when your anger has subsided, or when you’re feeling lonely, or when you feel strong enough to be “just friends.”

Then, because they’ve spent so much time studying you, they know exactly what approach to use to hook you again.

They may proclaim their love, confessing that they never knew how much they truly loved you until you were gone.

They may apologize profusely, seeming to take responsibility for their heartless actions, while conveniently blaming something else, such as work stress or alcohol.

They may promise to go to counseling, or church, or rehab. Or, they say they’ve already been to counseling, church or rehab, and they’ve changed.

Or, they seduce you sexually.

Why do they return? Perhaps the “juicier target” has thrown them out and they have no place to go. Whatever the reason, they were able to manipulate you before, so they assume they’ll be able to manipulate you again.

Maintain No Contact

In numerous articles on Lovefraud, I’ve explained that to end an involvement with a sociopath, you must have No Contact with him or her.

If the sociopath returns after a period of time, your response should be the same: Maintain No Contact.

They may catch you off-guard by contacting you from a new phone number or e-mail address that you haven’t blocked. They may show up unannounced at your home or place of employment.

Do not fall for their apologies, excuses or professions of love.

Never forget: Once they are adults, sociopaths do not change. Sooner or later, the old games will start again, except they’ll be worse.If a sociopath returns, do not let him or her back into your life.

Donna will be a guest on my radio show on February 9th. To hear the show, go to www.blogtalkradio.com at 10 p.m. EST and type Straight Wives Talk Show into the search bar. Otherwise you can listen after the broadcast anytime!

MAILBAG

Dear Bonnie,

Once again...wonderful letter.  I can testify...even after 2 years apart,
and divorced one.... the pain is still there.  The "angry" days are still
there.  The "I wasted so much time!!" days are there.  But...life goes on.
And life is good and truly it is a blessing. I have been able to find
myself once again. I sure missed me!! Thank you God for your blessings and
for Bonnie Kaye.  Your books opened the light for me several years ago
when I already knew what I didn't want to accept! I look this year to a
strength in my relationship with God and my family that I am proud of.

Straight Wife

 RECENT RADIO SHOW LINKS ON THE COMPUTER:
Each Sunday night, I have wonderful guests who join me on my Straight Wives Talk Show on www.blogtalkradio.com. The shows can be heard live at 10 p.m. or anytime following the show.

Here were some of the shows in recent weeks. You can cut and paste the links into your browser to listen.

This show features Jason, the head of our Adult Children of Gay Fathers group. This is such an important show. Do yourself a favor and find an hour when you can listen to the show.


This is Dr. Brian Hooper's holiday message for us.


Grace from Texas joins Bonnie to talk about obstacles women face.


That's it for the month! Happier New Year to all of you!

Love, Bonnie