Monday, October 8, 2018

BONNIE KAYE'S STRAIGHT TALK - OCTOBER 2018


BONNIE KAYE'S STRAIGHT TALK
OCTOBER 2018     Volume 19, Issue 203
Bonnie’s Mantra:
LIFE WAS NEVER MEANT TO BE THIS COMPLICATED. PERIOD.
COMPUTER RADIO PODCASTS - www.blogtalkradio/bonnielkaye                                     Live on Sunday night 8 p.m. EST or any time after the live broadcast!

NEXT HEALING WEEKEND

My next HEALING WEEKEND will be in the Orange County, CA area from April 12 - 14, 2019. If you would like to be part of this amazing weekend, please email me at Bonkaye@aol.com and put the word “Healing” in the subject box. I will send you the details this month. There is no charge for the weekend outside of travel, lodging, and food. This is a life-changing experience for people who need help during the grieving and recovery process.

NEW BLOG: Please visit my new blog on my website at www.gayhusbands.com. You'll see the icon that will take you there. Read stories from women in our network and feel free to send me your story to share. You can use whatever ame you like--real or not! WE TOO--SILENT NO MORE!

GAY HUSBANDS WHO REMARRY WOMEN

In my private support group, a number of women find themselves (a) extremely angry, (b) extremely hurt, or (c) extremely confused (most likely all three) when they find out that their gay husbands who totally rejected them sexually are now remarrying another woman. Can this be possible that a man who has admitted to you that he prefers men is once again getting married to a woman? Yes, it is.

When it happens, women feel sucker punched all over again and less validated than ever. All of the people we have told our truths to shake their heads in disbelief--towards US.

  • "How could your husband be gay if he is marrying another woman?" is what they think--or say.
  • You are a "vindictive little bitch of a scorned wife" spreading rumors about your husband saying he is gay when he found a lovely new wife.                                                  
  • Your family questions why you are doing this to your husband. Your credibility to those who begrudgingly supported you because they also thought he was such a "great guy" goes down, down, down the drain.

What's even worse is that you start to question YOURSELF.
  • Maybe I wasn't enough of a woman for him.
  • Maybe I should have lost more weight...gained weight...enlarged my breasts....
  • Maybe I wasn't supportive enough for him.
  • Maybe I was too pushy--too demanding.
When it comes to this issue, ignorance abounds and is plentiful. Here are some of the comments that I have heard from "outsiders" through the years when they see your gay husband remarry a woman:

1. He isn't really gay. He told her that because he wanted out of the marriage and thought she'd be happy to let him go. After all, why would he marry someone else if he's gay?

2. Well, if he was "gay" when he was married to her, can you blame him? She was so controlling...unattractive...demanding....mental....but now he found a real woman so that proves it wasn't true.

3. How could he be gay? He doesn't look gay or act it--but she isn't very feminine. She's probably the gay one. After all, he found a very nice new wife.

Yes, I've heard these and numerous other slanderous stories about straight wives. This is why we stay locked up in our husbands' closets for so long--fear of getting slapped down one more time by one more ignorant person. After a while, you just shut up. It's easier than trying to validate yourself with every uninformed ignoramus you run into.

The truth is there are some gay men who are serial criminals. They withhold their information to all of their future wives. And I say wives--because some of these men are responsible for multiple marriages after you. They will do anything to make sure that people think they are straight. And sadly, in many cases they think they are straight.
It's so interesting to watch all of these men who are NOT straight justify how they are. You know how I say the penis is the dividing line? Well, it's not to them. They just like a little "spice" in their lives. Or they'll call their wives "prudes" because they don't want to swing with other men--and them or because their wives refuse to wear "penis gear."

Some of these men go with transgender or watch trans porno. They really feel safe from that label of "gay." After all, the transgender has breasts and "identifies" as a female. That means your husband is straight because he is attracted to breasts and wanna be women.  I always say it doesn't matter how you dress it up--a penis is a penis--and if you want to think about it, fantasize about it, touch it, play with it, or more--let's agree to call it at least "NOT STRAIGHT." I think that some men could at least admit to that classification rather than "gay" if it makes him feel better.

Don't ever believe that your gay husband is going to be any different with his new wife. These guys don't change because they can't. Their new wives will live the same frustrations as you do as you'll read in one of my classic articles below:

Bonnie Kaye Klassic

I wrote about this nearly 16 years ago when I described the Straight-Gay man. Since many of you may not have read it, and since it is keeping with this topic, I'd like to share it again.

WAITING FOR HIS CONFESSION THAT WILL NEVER COME…AND WHY

          I have coined a new term for another classification of gay husbands. It is “Straight Gay Husbands.” I hope you like it. It is my new reference to gay men who are permanently living the straight life, sort of like wolves in sheep’s clothing. They are the husbands who will not acknowledge their homosexuality privately or publicly--ever. Some of them know that you know, but try to confuse you enough to put enough doubt in your mind to make you think that you are the crazy one. It’s the best defense to your “offensive” questions. These are the men that shut you up or shut you down the moment you think about making mention of the possibility of homosexuality. They know what they are, and they know what you suspect, but keep your mouth shut because they don’t want to hear about it--especially from you.
          These men are different than the gay husbands that admit they are gay/bisexual but promise not to act on those needs while they remain married to you. (Like we really believe that story!) They are also different than the gay husbands who are leading very secret lives and not leaving a trail of crumbs for you to follow. They are not even quite like the Limbo Men I have described who are caught in between two worlds. These are men who are definitely not stuck. They are identifying strictly as straight. There is no way they are entering the gay world through the front or back door, or even through the closet. They detest the gay world and what it stands for which gives them even greater reassurance, at least to themselves, that they are not gay.
          The Straight Gay Men are the ones who have to remain in total control of all of their physical motions lest someone should suspect they are not quite as straight as they claim. It’s funny how many women tell me how their husbands’ physical appearances, gestures, and movements change once they come out. I can’t even fathom how difficult it must be to have to go through life calculating every breath and step you take. It’s sort of like walking down a sidewalk and having to make sure that you “don’t step on a crack or you’ll break your mother’s back” as the game use to say. My balance and coordination never let me win that game.
          These husbands are quick to use you and the children as their proof that they are not gay to the outside world just in case they let their guard down and anyone might accuse them of the “unthinkable.” They honestly don’t identify as gay even though they have sex with men. They don’t get themselves involved emotionally with men, just sexually. That helps them justify the fact that they are straight, not gay.
          Some women can’t understand this. If you look like a duck, walk like a duck, act like a duck, but have sex with a goose, are you still a duck or are you a goose? I say you’re a goose. I don't  care what you act like to the outside world; I only look at who satisfies you sexually. And if you’re a duck making love to a goose, your feathers have to ruffle in a different direction when you stand up and straighten them out. But this does make things that much more confusing and complicated. So, to simplify your confusion, let me say this—STRAIGHT MEN DON’T HAVE GAY SEX. You can call it whatever makes you feel better, but I still call it gay—all the way.
          Women who live with Straight Gay Men and Limbo Men are often the most commonly emotionally abused women. They would have to be. Their husbands are truly living in a complex world that makes little or any sense. They are living unfilled lives because they don’t have any emotional connections. They don’t connect emotionally with their wives because they aren’t really straight. They don’t connect emotionally with men because they refuse to be gay. And so they function but don’t connect. This lack of emotional connection creates a sense of insensitivity when it comes to your feelings and your emotions.
          It also closes them up as human beings. They are unable to connect with a wife because they are living an internal--and what seems like an eternal--lie. This lie keeps overtaking any sense of good feelings towards the person whom they believe is responsible for this state of living—namely you. Now we know it is ridiculous to think that you should be their reason for living this lie, but subconsciously, this is how they feel.
          As much as they love to have you as their “cover” is as much as they hate to have you sharing under their covers. They resent your nagging demands for sexual intimacy because it “isn’t their thing.” It’s your thing. And why do you have to try to make them feel inadequate just because they are? Even when you stop asking for it, you are still thinking about it and they can tell. It means they have to come up with a continuous string of stories to account for their lack of sexual behavior with you. This puts pressure on these guys who feel you are being unreasonable. Why do you have to make such a big deal out of sex?
          They feel that in all other ways, they are ideal husbands. They are there raising the family with you. They are helping to support your financial needs or at least sharing in them. They are taking part in the social activities that you have decided are important. They are doing lots for you—and how do you show your appreciation? By badgering them with little innuendos and questioning looks. This really shows a lack of appreciation on your part and so they get pissed.
          The Straight Gay Men think they are Supermen. And to a degree, they are. They juggle, manipulate, calculate, and carefully plan out all of their actions. It takes a lot of energy to do this, and they marvel at their ability to pull it off. It gives them an air of smugness that shows in their personality. I’m not quite sure what they think they’re pulling off because they know that you are doubtful of their explanations. There are only so many headaches, backaches, depressions, and side effects from medication that you can keep relying on. But they feel confident if they use these excuses enough, you’ll give up. Most women do. As I’ve said before numerous times, no woman wants to feel like she has to beg her husband to make love to her. It’s degrading and demeaning. We get the hint after enough sexual rejection and stop asking. But it doesn’t mean that we stop thinking—and wanting.
          Every time we see other couples holding and caressing lovingly together, this is a reminder. It’s a reminder of what we thought we should have had but never were able to achieve. It’s a reminder of what our hopes and dreams were for married life when we took that life-altering step and said, “I do.”  We are momentarily reminded of what marriage was supposed to be, but never became. And this sadness shows in our faces, in our eyes, and in our hearts. When our husbands glimpse at us, they know what we are thinking. They know what we are wishing. They know that the words they don’t want to hear may possibly be coming out of our mouths at any moment. Rather than take a chance and have to come up with one more excuse, they find some way to knock us down and put us back into the non-assertive mental state that they so easily know how to do.
               We are women who have been conditioned. Remember, Straight Gay Men remain in the marriages indefinitely and have years to erode your sense of self-worth. They are not going anywhere, and they want to make sure that you feel inadequate enough so that you won’t go anywhere either. I don’t know who could have taught these men about the facts of life and marriage, but obviously, they weren’t listening or didn’t have a teacher. Didn’t anyone ever tell them that sex is part of marriage? Didn’t they ever hear that intimacy grows from making love to the person who loves you? Do they really believe that they can sit for years in a marriage and overlook that little detail? Yes, they do. And we become their silent partners because we have been silenced on the issue of sex.
          The irony is that even if you leave these men, as some women do, they will remarry again. Yes, they will remarry another woman. They will still do their occasional gay sex thing to satisfy their sexual need, but that goes with the territory. It is amazing to me how these men can live such a delusional existence until the day they die. And they will drag other women into their webs of deceit. The next victim (and men who do this more than once are victimizers) will fall for it just like you did—but even better. Your Straight Gay Husband has a track record. He will still use you as his shield by telling his next conquest that he was married before, ergo, he is straight. And the woman who is in a subsequent marriage with this man has no reason to question his sexuality at all. He married before; he’s marrying again. Chances are his next wife will feel even more inadequate than you feel. He’ll make sure to tell her that the two of you never had problems in the bedroom before. And if she does meet you, she’ll be too embarrassed to ask you the truth. And sadly, you’ll probably keep protecting him by keeping silent.
          So if you are in a long-term marriage to a Straight Gay Man, don’t plan on things ever getting better. There may be temporary second honeymoon periods, only to prove to you once again that you are crazy for even suspecting there is something wrong with your wonder man. But it’s guaranteed that things will resort back to the “normal” pattern of digs, harsh words, and put-downs. Count on it. Then decide if this is the most that you want out of life because as long as you are in this marriage, this is all you can expect.
          There is a word that describes what these husbands do: COMPARTMENTALIZE. This means he is able to keep his behaviors separate and tied up in neat packages without letting one interfere with the other. The Straight Gay Men live their lives this way. They are able to separate their need for sexual dabbling with a man from their “straight lives” as straight husbands. I do tell our women that as long as you allow your husband to live in his “compartmentalized closet,” he will remain there forever. The fact that you remain in the marriage to him allows him to justify even more that he is straight—especially in his own mind. After all, his wife isn’t going anywhere, right? This convinces him even more.
          So if your happiness is waiting for a confession that won’t be coming, do yourself a favor and stop waiting for it. Take control of your life and GET OUT before you allow yourself to totally lose who you are. Remember—if your husband can’t admit he is gay to himself, he will never admit it to you. In his own warped sense of reality, he is a straight man.

BONNIE'S STRAIGHT WIVES TALK SHOWS RESUME ON OCTOBER 14, 2018
My weekly podcasts resume this Sunday evening. You can listen any time at your convenience by going here:

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/bonnielkaye
When you go to the site, you can be asked to be notified of upcoming shows.
Have a peaceful month!
Love, Bonnie


Sunday, September 2, 2018

BONNIE KAYE'S STRAIGHT TALK NEWSLETTER - SEPTEMBER 2018


BONNIE KAYE'S STRAIGHT TALK
September 2018     Volume 19, Issue 202
Bonnie’s Mantra:
LIFE WAS NEVER MEANT TO BE THIS COMPLICATED. PERIOD.
COMPUTER RADIO PODCASTS -    www.blogtalkradio/bonnielkaye                          Live on Sunday night 8 p.m. EST or any time after the live broadcast!

After taking a summer break to work on a most important project, my newsletters are now resuming.
NEXT HEALING WEEKEND

My next HEALING WEEKEND will be in the Orange County, CA area from  April 12 - 14, 2019. If you would like to be part of this amazing weekend, please email me at Bonkaye@aol.com and put the word “Healing” in the subject box. I will send you the details this month. There is no charge for the weekend outside of travel, lodging, and food. This is a life-changing experience for people who need help during the grieving and recovery process.

ME TOO HEALING vs. WE TOO HEALING

I figured out something recently as I was watching the morning news. There was a segment about the women who were active in the ME TOO movement from the world of show business who first joined together to expose movie producer Harvey Weinstein for his sexual abuse. The chips started falling like a domino effect, and before long, there were dozens of women telling their stories of abuse in the hands of Hollywood directors, producers, and high profile movie stars.

On the segment, several of the women were telling how they felt validated after they went public to tell their story. And when they told it--no one laughed. No one said, "She must have known she was going to be raped--after all, what does she expect? In Hollywood, that's how women get jobs." Or, "She was asking for it. How stupid could she be to go to a known predator's house alone for dinner?" No, those are not comments presented by the public. Now there was an outpouring of sympathy for the woman and disdain for the sexual predators.

Some of you are old enough (like I am) to remember when things were very different. Twenty years ago when a woman was raped, she had the finger pointed at her in an accusatory manner. People claimed she was a tramp to start with or she dressed provocatively. If a woman was raped, well, she must have been asking for it. Yes, those were scary times that caused so many women never to report these horrific atrocities. This changed in recent years as society became more aware of who the real victim was--the woman, not the rapist. This change didn't come overnight--but it came. Today when a woman is raped, she can stand up for herself although it is still takes a lot of courage to let people know.

In all honesty, look how long it took these women to stand up and say, "Me too!" A long time--from actresses to most recently, Olympic gymnasts. Thanks to the bravery of the women who said, "No more," these kinds of incidents will not happen nearly as frequently knowing that they will not be tolerated and exposed to the public for criminal charges. Women feel a little safer these days to tell their stories because they are BELIEVED. In the past, when they tried to be honest, they were often discredited and criticized and had all kinds of horrible accusations thrown at them.

If this sounds familiar, well, it is. This is our life. We are the voices of silence much like rape victims used to be. Why? Because people don't believe our plight. They still believe that we: knew our husbands were gay before we married....were desperate to get married so we "overlooked" his secret...stupid for not seeing it because after all, they knew....or the worst--he wasn't gay when he married us, so what did we do to change him? He must have been straight because after all, we produced children. How could a gay man have sex with a straight woman?

Straight wives are the true representatives of the real sounds of silence. This is why people still view us "sad sacks" creating our own misery--or worse yet, deserving it. We need to tell OUR stories. Telling your truth is good because it is psychologically cathartic. But more importantly, it is also breaking the silence on a topic that is widely misunderstood. There is power of a collective voice--a voice that we do not have yet. 

WE NEED TO LEARN A LESSON FROM THIS. "WE TOO" is our battle cry.  I will be starting my "WE TOO" blog this month. If you are willing to share your story--of course, anonymous or fake name is fine--write to me at Bonkaye@aol.com.

BONNIE KAYE KLASSIC

Some of my past writings are too important not to revisit. Here is one from 8/13.

FIGURING OUT THE RESENTMENT OF GAY HUSBANDS & WHO WE ARE

Last month I wrote about my new epiphany that "gay men don't think straight." I had an overwhelming response from readers thanking me for this new discovery. It really cleared up a lot of things for those women so they could stop the self-blame of why their marriages failed or are failing.

I also want to reiterate for the record that although people like to use the quote, "It takes two to make or break a marriage," that does not apply to our type of marriages. In our marriages, it only take one person to make it break--namely your gay husband. Sadly, a number of you are still taking the responsibility for this. Why should you absolve yourself from this responsibility? Here are some reasons.

As women, we go into marriages with certain hopes, dreams, and expectations. We are looking for partners who can truly be partners in every sense of the word based on the perceptions from observations that we have grown up with. The partners we seek out are men who want to be with us on a physical, emotional, and sexual level. While your husband is playing the role of "straight husband," he tries his best to make sure that he is all of these things to you. He has observed straight men from the time he was a child, and as he grew older, he did his best to imitate them in order to keep away any suspicion that he might be gay. And by the way, this is not a "blame" thing on my part--it's an "understanding" thing. 

When you want to be someone other than yourself, you do your best to study everything from walking, talking, and laughing so you can play the role--just like any other actor.
Some of these husbands are even homophobic. I used to think they were putting on an act to throw us off guard. Although this is true for a percentage of gay husbands, it isn't true all of the time. Some of these men really are homophobic. It's due to "self-hatred"  towards those who remind them of what they are. They are the first ones to say the word "faggot" when they suspect or find out someone is gay which is usually offensive to us--their liberal wives who are pro-gay. They have no empathy for men who are going through the "struggle." They work so hard to pull this off their straightness that they have no sympathy for "weaklings" who give in to that "other way of life." You know--an authentic gay life. They really are homophobic--well, until they are in a sexual act with one of those 'faggots." Yeah, I wonder what they say then.

So when we add up all the clues, we breathe a sigh of relief to know that our husbands are 'straight," not "gay." In mathematical terms,

                               "married" + "father" + "homophobic" = STRAIGHT!

Getting back to my point, once we feel confident that our husbands aren't gay, we start wondering why our marriages seem "off-track." It doesn't start with anything major, but rather little things. One of those little things that changes early in the marriage is SEX.
Side note: When women come to me and I ask them, "How is your sex life?," a common response is, "Well, our sex life is good." Almost all of those women who tell me that their sex life is "good' or "normal" have very limited previous sexual experience. Without fail, after they meet a straight man, they are kind enough to write back that their sex lives are "great" 
because they finally understand what making love with a straight man is about.

Sorry--I had to mention that before I forgot. Anyway, as the sex starts waning in your marriage in a short amount of time, you start wondering why the frequency (which was never that frequent to start with) has changed and why your husband seems to be pulling away more and more from you. At first, you ask him gently, "Honey, is everything okay? Is there anything bothering you that you want to talk about?" He quickly responds, "No, not at all. Why are you asking?" At that point, he is seeing a waving red flag and says to himself, "Uh oh, danger ahead...shark...shark...shark..." In other words, is there something that he has done to tip you off? Remember, when someone is living a lie that is tightly wrapped up, he can't afford to allow that package to unravel in any shape or manner lest it all falls apart.

At this point, GAY is the LAST thing on YOUR mind, but it is still the first thing on his mind--as well as wondering if he has let any hidden information slip out by mistake. Did he accidentally say something in his sleep? Was it a glance at a cute guy that lingered too long? Another point I'd like to make--as naive as some of you still are who are reading this--and I say naive--not stupid so please don't think I mean anything other than naive--some of your husbands have continued to have gay sex from the early days of your marriage. It's not like there was a time limit on the "I do" part he said to you in those vows like "I do for today, but I don't know after the first year, five years, ten years."  He really did hope those male sexual attractions would fade if he promised to love and cherish you, but he had no clue either that loving you would not be enough to stop them. You can trust me when I tell you that I know that some of your husbands were having sex with men shortly after your honeymoon--and some even on the honeymoon said to say. How do I know? Don't forget--I counsel hundreds of gay men each year and help them come out to you.

As time passes on in your marriage, you notice "The Big Chill." It is now definitely directed against you. There are only so many headaches, toothaches, and stress aches that any one husband can have. When you start suggesting that "maybe there is something that he doesn't like about YOU," well...you just opened his escape hatch. Yep--that must be it. He quickly retreats for a moment by saying, "Don't be silly," but he is smiling as he says it. Why? Because he knows he can now use that hatch to start his escape plan of blaming YOU.

The next time you try to bring up "the subject," he injects some little thoughts. They start out with, "Honey, why are you always thinking about sex? I don't think it's normal to have sex on your mind all the time." TAKE A GIANT STEP BACK.
The weeks go by and you approach it again. "Honey, I've noticed you have put on some weight. There's something that doesn't look right about you. Maybe you have to start exercising." TAKE ANOTHER GIANT STEP BACK.

Now, it's been several months. You've lost some weight. You've had your hair colored. You went and bought a sexy nightgown. By the time you put it on, he's fast asleep. You try to nudge him, but he's making loud snoring sounds and is totally turned the other way just in case you're checking out his eyes (which are usually squinted shut or wide open while he's doing this. Well, TAKE ONE MORE GIANT STEP BACK.

Do you think he's avoiding you? No, not at all. Like you, he has a mental calendar. Yours is saying how long it's been since he last had sex with you. At the same time, he's counting how many days that it's going to be before he has to do SOMETHING with you as his straight husbandly duty. He's not avoiding you--he's just building up the courage to do something with you that he dreads or at least is distasteful.

He knows you can only take so many steps back before he has to make you feel as you are moving forward or maybe you will start talking to friends and mentioning to them that you think something is wrong.

Now he's going to fool you. He'll suggest some drinks or pot so you can both have some fun. After all, it's been weeks or months. Isn't it time? You are so happy, that you do everything you can to make the mood a real one--quiet candlelight dinner, bottle of wine, kids tucked away, romantic music--and tonight's the night! After waiting for six months, it's your time to shine. All is well with your world--you can take FIVE GIANT STEPS AHEAD! YAAAAAY!  Everything is "normal" again. Those silly thoughts in your head can finally disappear. Whatever it was that was paused is on full speed ahead now--until you try to touch him again. This is where his resentment sets in.

He took care of you, didn't he? Didn't he prove he loved you? Didn't he prove he was straight? And now you want more? What are you, a nymphomaniac? Why do you always have to think about sex? What is wrong with you? Who told you that marriages are like this? What are you, 18 years old that you need so much sex? Uh oh, take
FOUR GIANT STEPS BACK.

Now here is the irony of this whole situation. You think you feel bad for feeling rejected? You gay husband feels the same way because he feels just as rejected as you do when you make him feel inadequate because he can't please you by having enough sex. No matter what he does, it isn't enough. You are NOT being supportive of him when you are finding fault in all of the things he is trying to do to be a good husband to you. In fact, if you ask these men that you are divorcing if they thought they were good husbands to you, the overwhelming majority of them are going to say YES!! And in their minds, they were.

Some of them were good providers as far as providing a home and an income. Some of them took good care of the house making sure it was clean because you didn't exactly do the best job, did you? Was it ever clean enough? They were good companions to you. They loved shopping and fixing up the house. They were very sociable with friends. Okay, maybe they did seem a little different when you were alone, but living with you could be frustrating, couldn't it? You think you're right all of the time. You're very pushy when it comes to many things--but the thing that you are the most pushy about is the sex thing.

Okay--let's talk about "pushy" for a moment since most of us have been accused of that. I guess it won't shock you when I tell you that the majority of these men are very "controlling." SURPRISE!!!! No, it wasn't just your husband/ex-husband--it's most of our husbands. Is this a coincidence? Of course not. Gay husbands are so controlling because they live in the fear of their secret "coming out" long before they are tired of living in the closet. They can't control their sexuality, but they can sure try to control YOU!.

To a man who is controlling, anything that can mess up his well-controlled secret life is a threat. By your questioning him on things that just don't add up, that makes you PUSHY. He does not need you to upset his apple cart. That's where more of his resentment sets in. With the resentment, often comes the anger. Did I mention to you that some of us were married to "rage-a-holics?" These are men who "shout you down to shut you up." In time, we just shut up. We stop asking. We become modern day versions of those Stepford Wives dutifully doing whatever we think we have to do to keep the peace.

Think about it. When you went into the marriage, who were you? Are you still that same woman or did your marriage stunt your emotional growth? Were your expectations in your marriage fulfilled? Were you able to get nourishment and praise so you could grow and reach your personal and professional goals? Was your husband focusing on your happiness for real or what he perceived should be your happiness? Did you become depressed? Did you feel stuck? Did you have to justify your marriage by making excuses such as, "No marriage is perfect," or "It will get better," when you knew there was no way things were getting better? Did you keep trying harder and harder thinking that if you cleaned a little better your husband would finally love you enough? Did you take responsibility for his unhappiness by believing those subtle little messages or not so subtle insults that YOU were the problem in the marriage? You weren't attractive enough? Your body had a bad odor? You were too boring in bed?

The problem is we are working in the dark. Even when we suspect the truth, we can't put the big picture together. Look at it this way. If you were told at your job that you have to put together a 5000 piece jigsaw puzzle in order to get your next paycheck, at first you may look at it as a challenge. But if you had no clue that there were 3 missing pieces, you can imagine how your frustration would set in as you spent hours each day searching over and over again for something that you could never find because you had no idea it was missing. That's how most of our marriages are. Jigsaw puzzles with missing pieces. We keep searching looking to make something right that is always off balance. The more we question what is wrong, the more frustrated our husbands get because in their minds, THEY ARE DOING EVERYTHING RIGHT.

When I told my ex-husband that I thought we should go for therapy after a couple of years into the marriage, his response to me was, "We don't need therapy. YOU are the one who is unhappy--not me." His perception isn't far off from many of your situations. The gay husbands are complacent. Maybe they aren't thrilled, but they aren't ready to jolt. They can get by especially if you don't keep up that annoying sex stuff.  And once you get continually "shut down" in that department, you learn to "shut up."
Feeling a little frustrated? Let me ask you this. If you had a husband who hungered for you, made you feel that being with you was the best part of his day, planned fun events with you, sat next to you with his arm around you or walked holding your hand, told you that you looked beautiful and that after dinner, he wanted you for dessert, do you think you would have turned out differently? If you had a husband who applauded your successes and encouraged you to maximize your potential without worrying that you might say the wrong thing to the wrong person--namely revealing secrets that he was hiding--don't you think you would have been a different woman?

Funny--we usually end up saying that we don't really know the men we married. Here's the true irony--we don't really know the women we were destined to become because we were much too busy becoming the women we thought our husbands could love more if we did more. Put your missing pieces back into the pile. Now that you can solve the puzzle, don't worry about it anymore. Start worrying about who you missed out on being for so many years, and get moving. Life is still out there for you to take. Grab it and run with it--straight ahead!


My radio show will resume in October. Stay tuned for some wonderful guests!!
With love and hope,
Bonnie






Monday, June 18, 2018

BONNIE KAYE'S STRAIGHT TALK NEWSLETTER - JUNE 2018


BONNIE KAYE'S STRAIGHT TALK
June 2018     Volume 19, Issue 201
Bonnie’s Mantra:
LIFE WAS NEVER MEANT TO BE THIS COMPLICATED. PERIOD.
COMPUTER RADIO PODCASTS - www.blogtalkradio/bonnielkaye                                     Live on Sunday night 8 p.m. EST or any time after the live broadcast!

NEXT HEALING WEEKEND


My next HEALING WEEKEND will be in the Los Angeles area in March, 2019. If you would like to be part of this amazing weekend, please email me at Bonkaye@aol.com and put the word “Healing” in the subject box. I will send you the details this month. There is no charge for the weekend outside of travel, lodging, and food. This is a life-changing experience for people who need help during the grieving and recovery process.

POST TRAUMATIC GAY DISORDER

There is a new terminology that I am sharing--PTGD, short for Post Traumatic Gay Disorder. I want to explain this concept to our wives and their gay ex/current husbands so everyone will have a clear understanding of what I mean.

First, let's define Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)
PTSD is a disorder that develops in some people who have experienced a shocking, scary, or dangerous event. It is natural to feel afraid during and after a traumatic situation. Fear triggers many split-second changes in the body to help defend against danger or to avoid it. This “fight-or-flight” response is a typical reaction meant to protect a person from harm. Nearly everyone will experience a range of reactions after trauma, yet most people recover from initial symptoms naturally. Those who continue to experience problems may be diagnosed with PTSD. People who have PTSD may feel stressed or frightened even when they are not in danger.
So how does this apply to PTGD?
Finding out that your husband is gay for women is shocking and scary. In some cases, it is also dangerous due to learning about new diseases you may have contracted including HIV/syphilis/herpes, as well as other forms of emotional and physical abuse many of us suffer in the marriage. Let's face it--we all say that knowing that our husband is gay is better than not knowing because at least it puts the pieces of the puzzle together. When a marriage to a gay man fails, we tend to blame ourselves because we have lost our sense of reality while living on the other side of sanity. Throw in the accusations by your gay husband that "you" are the problem in the marriage--not him--and you'll be dancing around that circle of crazy in three-quarter time. When our husbands "gaylight" us--making us think that we are crazy when we confront them with our suspicions/knowledge of their homosexuality--this just pushes us into a deeper hole of self-doubt.
Our reality in most cases is different than the pretty pictures painted by the media in numerous sitcoms. I know the media has tried in several cases, but our personal tragedies never are quite represented in a meaningful way. Most of us were abused either emotionally, physically, and for sure--sexually. Most of us had our feminine spirit broken into shreds while we kept stepping on while we were walking on top of those broken eggshells. Rejection is an immensely popular way of controlling women who have been broken down--and most of us feel that sense of rejection daily for years and years, long after the marriage is over.
These marriages are unlike straight marriages because we have issues beyond those of a straight marriage. I've discussed many of them throughout the years. The important thing to realize is that there is no real quick recovery fix after this kind of fraudulent marriage.
What I always find fascinating when I work with couples going through this is that the gay husband usually has such a different perception of the marriage than his wife has. In many cases, he feels the marriage is "good." He says they were both "happy." In his mind, he was happy. Why? Because in your mind, you knew he was UNHAPPY so you put all of your efforts into trying to make him happy. As I always say, Straight Wives are always the BEST WIVES because they keep running around in circles trying to make their husbands happy while losing who they are.
Most amazingly, the husband almost always says the "sex was good--at least for you," THE WIFE. He swears he was a top-notch lover regardless of how you felt.  In most cases, he'll blame you for any lack of lust in the bedroom because you were....not very experienced....not willing to "experiment"......not the initiator.....too busy with the children....and his list goes on. And on.
When we learn that our marriages were built on a bed of lies, we never quite know what was real and what wasn't real. While we had so many doubts about ourselves based on how we were treated in the marriage, we now wonder if any of this was true. Recovery is a process for most of us that can take years while unraveling the truths from the lies. Rebuilding trust in ourselves is a major hurdle. Reclaiming our mutated feminine spirit takes time--and lots of time.
What other people don't understand is that almost every woman I have met over the years was very supportive of gay rights. Most of these women had at least one gay friend or family member and supported their cause for equality and recognition. I believe that on some level, gay men who are passing in the straight world look for women who are accepting so that if things don't work out, at least the wife will feel some sympathy/empathy. I will say in most of our situations, things don't end up that way.
You see, while those of us who are supporters of gay rights know that "gay" means "men wanting men on an intellectual level," our minds don't slide into the visual image of what that means on a sexual level. We support it--but we don't want to "watch it." There is something in the way that we are wired that just doesn't want to look at that sexual scene. We don't condemn it--but we don't want to watch it.
After we learn that our husbands are gay, and when we meet their new loves, trust me when I say it is normal to feel a twinge of revulsion. It cuts across your chest like a knife. The man who was "yours" forever and ever now belongs to another man. When you think about it, you feel like throwing up. That's why most of us try not to think about it. The visualization of your ex in bed with a man is too hurtful.
Sadly, as our married lives change, our feelings about "gay" also deteriorate. Any sense of "gay rights" now seem like "gay wrongs" because of how we were involuntarily drawn into the gay community not by choice--but by force. Yes, once you learn your husband is gay, you are now part of a new community that you knew very little about. Why? Because now your children have a "gay father." That wasn't part of the planning when you brought your child into the world. Oh yes--you were planning to raise him/her with your own belief that people should be treated equally and fairly regardless of the sexual orientation--but having a husband who was gay was not part of that equation.
All of a sudden, those feelings of empathy/sympathy change to feelings of contempt and disgust. Women mistakenly believe that their husbands are "choosing a penis" for fun and games over their marriage and children. They think that gay is a "lifestyle" that can be chosen or rejected--at least by their gay husbands who were not gay to start with. You think, "Why would our husband even look in  that direction? Why would some gay man be hitting on my straight husband and confusing him? How did a "bromance" turn into a gay romance? The guy was his best friend--at least that's what he said. And now he wants to have sex with him? Why is he trying to convert him to GAY?" As if it were a religious cult. The man you fell in love with--your best friend, even if he wasn't your best lover--spent years sharing his plans, dreams, and desires with you. "Penis" was not part of the conversation--ever.  And now the lust that he hadn't felt for you in years due to "diabetes, high blood pressure, low testosterone, stress at the workplace, life on  life's terms or whatever..." suddenly has become alive for him driven by some man's penis. How was this even possible?
I would bet my money that every wife who finds out this news goes to bed at night in either a state of shock or after crying herself to sleep for hours only to wake up and think: "I just had the worst dream. I dreamt my husband was gay." It takes about two minutes for the reality to sink in, but eventually it does. And that's when life starts falling apart.
The reason I am telling you this is because people have to understand that supporting gay rights is a totally different situation than supporting a gay husband. We DO NOT have to feel bad that we don't feel sorry for our husbands. We DO NOT have to listen to their trials and tribulations as they go off to their new lives running back to us for comfort when their boyfriends cheat on them or leave them. We do not have to support the gay community at this time because we are feeling raw and betrayed. In fact, we do not care about the gay community which we blame for destroying our marriages.
It is going to take time to put things in perspective. It is going to take time to understand that no one made our husbands gay--they were always gay. They didn't marry us to trick us--they were trying to trick themselves. But as the old ad stated, "You can't fool mother nature." And that old ad was referring to a dishwashing soap--not someone's sexuality.
We need time to recover from the trauma. And most of us do--given the time we need. Of course, much of it depends on our ex-husbands and how responsible they are to us and the children when the marriage is over. Our lives will change drastically in the days, weeks, and months ahead. There will be so many new issues to deal with and so little time to deal with them as you find yourself in the new role of single motherhood. We have new doubts and fears about the effects on our children having a gay father. We have to deal with our families and friends and explain to them why our marriages failed. We have new responsibilities and worries. Many of us have to leave our homes and move. Stay at home moms are now going to have to become working mothers to help support a family. These are changes that happen quickly. In many cases there is no advance warning.
Oh...and what about the legal fees? Suddenly you find yourself spending thousands of dollars to hire a divorce lawyer to navigate your way through divorce and child support. Thousands of dollars that you don't have that is. Or maybe it was the money you were saving for a vacation or retirement. Anyway--now it's gone no matter what you were saving it for.   
What about having to see the man you love for 10, 15, 20 years or more now with the man he loves the way you loved him? You know the day will come, but you are dreading it. You are feeling sick to your  stomach and wanting to vomit. Would you be sick if you saw your husband with a new girlfriend? Well, of course. But the thought of him with a man makes you even sicker. And no--it's not from homophobia--it's from reality.
In the beginning of your new life after your marriage, every man now appears to be gay. Obviously you missed it with your "soulmate," so why shouldn't you think it? Every man is considered suspect. All we see is gay everywhere. We are also living in a society where LGBT is surrounding us as they fight for their rights for equality. It's no different than it's been for  years, but now we are so "gay-sensitized," it is upfront and in our face constantly. Before when we would have been cheering for it, now we are not in the mood to be hearing about it. This is all part of PTGD.
Why? In our minds, GAY took away:
Ø  Our husband
Ø  Our family unit
Ø  Our future
Ø  Our past
Your husband may have found his "authentic" self, but you have lost what you thought was your "authentic marriage."
There is no quick fix to recovery because we don't have the luxury of a time machine that can take us a couple of years into the future. Healing takes time--and my Father's Day Message to men is simply this:
                                                   FIX IT!!!
I personally know some wonderful gay ex-husbands who did the right thing. They took total responsibility for the marriage ending and gave their wives/children the support they needed to make the needed adjustments. Yes--took total responsibility. They didn't look for excuses as to why the marriage "wouldn't have worked anyway" as some gay men like to claim. They didn't knock their wives as being partly responsible for the break-up of the marriage. They understood the marriage was ending because they were gay men who needed to lead a gay life. Not a "lifestyle," but LIFE. Gay is not a style--it is who you are. These men knew they weren't going to be straight husbands when they were gay men. They regretted making the wrong decision by getting married. They regretted hurting their wives and families. AND THEY DIDN'T BLAME ANYONE BUT THEMSELVES for the marriage ending.
These men went on to give their families the emotional and financial support to make sure their lives were disrupted as little as possible--even if they sacrificed what they wanted to do such as new cars or vacations. This is the road to a good after-marriage where a semblance of a family unit can continue. This is the ideal when you have children that you want to grow up in a healthy way.
Gay men tell me that they are afraid their children won't love them when they find out about their homosexuality. Children love fathers who are good to them--and to their mother. Your sexuality is not the main factor--you ability to be there for them after you leave is what really counts.
That is my Father's Day message to the men who read this newsletter. Do the right thing--and FIX IT. Help speed that healing process along for your wives and your family.
MY NEW BOOK
I made an announcement a couple of months ago that I was writing a new book called, "The Gift My Gay Ex-Husband Gave Me--The Truth." I was planning to have it released this summer. This is a book containing written excerpts between my ex-husband and a gay man (along with several other people) who were looking to destroy my name and reputation that I had built up over the past 35 years helping straight wives to find understanding and support when learning about their gay husbands, and help gay men with their coming out process.
My ex-husband, Robert, died in October of this past year of bone cancer. Prior to his illness, I had stopped communicating with him because long after our marriage was over, I was still his daily sounding board. We clung more tightly after the deaths of our two children in 2002 and 2005 maybe because we were all we had left of them. For ten more years I remained his comfort friend--the only one he could be really honest with because I knew his truths and his lies. However, he did something that was beyond my forgiveness, and I broke my ties with him for good in 2014.
Two-and-a-half years later he contacted me asking me to forgive him. He told me he was very ill with cancer and didn't know how much time he had left. He didn't want to die without making his peace with me. Since our two beloved children had left us, I knew that they couldn't be there for him. I decided to do what my conscience dictated, and I helped him through his last 18 months both emotionally and financially.
 Robert was so remorseful because I helped take care of him over his last 18 months after cancer ravaged his body. In his final months, he felt he had to tell me the truth about his actions with a gay man from California who was one of the main instigators running this campaign of terror to try to discredit me and my work. He did plead with me to wait until his death to release the information--which I did agree to do. He was so, so sick in those months that he said he didn't have the strength to have to argue with this man about exposing him to me--and I understood.
Robert explained how he had been cleverly manipulated into joining a well-organized campaign of terror and harassment against me and my associates by this man whose name I won't disclose at this time. This group was very clever playing "selected" sounds bites from my radio show for him or sending him selective words I spoke out of context to get him to believe I was destroying his life so he would join up with them to destroy me. They did this through vile and obscene websites, sickening book reviews attacking me and my work, and harassing emails to me and the guests that appeared on my show. Several months ago when I announced on my radio show that I had the information of who these criminals were and read a few excerpts that I had of their words to Robert, most of those sites quickly were quickly removed. Of course, I was smart enough to copy them to use for future evidence.
Robert shared these emails which stated how this vicious group of people calculated my downfall so I would stop giving "false" advice to people. In one of the earliest emails, this man who sought him out and "befriended" him said:
I and a couple of colleagues have done our best to learn about Bonnie, her “work”, and have sought to do what we can to keep others from being harmed. Again, as you’re likely well aware, Bonnie not only has many years of experience at perpetuating her delusional world as a counselor, but she is not mentally well and does not always operate in the rational world. Thus, we have taken to anonymously pursuing greater understanding and to bring an end to any harm she may be causing.

I have read and studied Bonnie extensively using publicly available information. And though I’m nowhere near the expert that I’m sure you have become regarding her, I have  developed a case profile of her and her life. While I don’t know many of the specifics, or the factual details as you know them, I know of truths and facts about her life well beyond what’s known to the general public. And, the more I learned, the more important it became to take steps to protect my identity and that of my colleagues. As I said, our work continues and I am no less interested in learning more, and in brining any potential harm to an end.

First, let me just say this. Can you imagine how someone has so little to do in his own life that he has time to study me and become an "expert" so he can "bring any potential harm" I am causing "to an end"?  How humbling that I am so important to a gay man who has never been married and has never met me.
Sadly, that is almost all of what I am able to share of my new book with you. You see, I have a volume's worth of wonderful evidence against the men (and women) who spent the past five years trying to silence me by destroying my credibility. Before I shared it with the public, I decided to share it with the California Attorney General's office, the FBI, and another federal agency that works with cyber terrorism. According to them, I have a strong case against my attackers. They have suggested that I not release the book until after all of the evidence is compiled and sorted out. I did agree to wait.
I know the federal wheels turn slowly because of a case I pursued in 2006 - 2009 with the federal government over a predatory book company, Airleaf Publishing, that robbed people of over 3 million dollars. I was able to gather 600 authors to pursue that case which took three years to complete, but the company was put out of business with a government judgment against the owners.
The only other line I am going to share with you at this time from my attacker is a very prophetic one that was in that first (of so many) email. It is also the only line of truth in the hundreds of pages of documents of evidence that I have collected:
He states:
First and foremost, due to her illness, if you put yourself on Bonnie’s radar, in her line of fire.. she will attempt to steam roll over you with full force. And a few lines down he stated, ....."it’s very unlikely Bonnie will go down without a fight."
My "illness" is called truth and fairness. That is all I've ever strived for--to bring light into a world of darkness and confusion not only for straight wives, but for their gay husbands who have struggled their whole lives with homosexuality. And all of you who know me know--I am a fighter. I am a survivor. I am a winner. Like all of you, I had years of training!! Stay tuned for the next chapter!
With love and renewed hope,   
Bonnie