Tuesday, December 15, 2015


December 2015     Volume 16, Issue 171

Bonnie’s Mantra:

Bonnie's next Healing Weekend: April 23/24 in Dulles, Virginia near Washington, D.C. Join me as we gather to share our stories and learn from professionals how to get on the road to healing. This will be another remarkable and memorable weekend for our Straight Sisters. The seminar is my gift to our women. The only charge is transportation, hotel (great group rate), and food. This will be a weekend that will dramatically change your life. Write to me at Bonkaye@aol.com for more information.

Dear Friends,
This was an article from 2011. I felt that it was so relevant today, I decided to repeat it as my holiday message.


Once again, the holiday season is upon us. To all of the members of my support network—the wonderful women and the conscionable gay men, let me wish you a peaceful holiday season. I think it would be callous of me to say a “happy” holiday because that would be really stretching it for too many of you who are in the midst of “holiday turmoil” trying to figure out how to “fake it” so you can “make it” through another holiday season without yelling out “Bah Humbug.”

To those of you who are either lingering in your state of “limbo” or making plans for your future freedom, the “ho, ho, ho’s” of the season must feel pretty flat. That’s how I used to feel during the holidays when I was married to my gay husband--looking around at all of the beauty of the season while lingering in the ugliness of my home life.

The good news is that many of you have moved on to a better place and space. I know you have because I read letters daily from women who now see how wonderful life can be when they stop dancing in that “circle of crazy.” Once you remove the distorted illusions that make you feel like you’re living in the world of Alice in Wonderland, you’ll realize that the sun really does rise every morning and sets at the end of the day. As simple as that statement may sound, when you’re living in a world of entrapment, you even question the simplest concepts like that.

So, here is my holiday message to all of you that I like to bring home as much as possible. Please make it your daily mantra:

Life was never meant to be this complicated.

It’s a simple statement. It explains every question you have ever written to me about your problems. No matter where you stand in the pool of murkiness, barely floating or drowning, this is the answer to all of you who have doubts. There are some of you who continue to linger in the shadows of the valley of doubt. No proof yet. No proof maybe ever. I say the ONLY proof you need is that you’re not happy or fulfilled in your marriage.

There are so many other issues that will come up in life that will be complicated that you’ll be forced to face. These issues include health issues, financial problems, and mother/fatherhood. These are the problems all of us have limited control over. But marriage to a gay husband? 

That you have control over.

How many of you reading this newsletter can look back to last year’s holiday season and say, “I am still in the same place I was last year”? Yikes--that means you have lost another year of your life that you can never get back. But at the same time, look how many of you can say, “What a difference a year makes” because you moved ahead in your lives and took your life back. 

There are many of you. I know this from my support chat and support network.
For those of you still living in “ limbo land,” realize that you are in a better place than many other women because at least you have the courage to read my words each month. That says a lot for you. It says that you are refusing to give up the battle and throw in the towel. It says that in time, you will be free. You won’t have to keep worrying about crushing those eggshells you are walking on each day. No more “gaylighting” from husbands who would rather make you think you are crazy than to accept the responsibility of loving you enough to tell you the truth about their homosexuality. No more confusion about the “problems” in your marriage that YOU are accused of creating. No more wondering why your husband would prefer not to touch you than to touch you. No more making excuses for medications causing him erectile dysfunction while he is watching gay porno on the Internet. No more anti-depressants to even out your mental state so you can survive on a day to day without being able to move out of bed. Yep—the “freedom train” is a runnin’, and you just have to take a leap of faith to get on board. You may have missed the train leaving today, but there’s always a new train running tomorrow. Make a plan to you can schedule a seat for yourself. That’s the best holiday gift you can give yourself. 
Never believe it can’t happen—if you want it, it will happen.

For all of my women who are spending their first or second holidays alone, expect to feel twinges of sadness. That’s NORMAL. Some of you had wonderful marriages and miss what you had. Others had horrible marriages but still miss what they wanted to have. The first year or two is a “getting over the hump” holiday period. This is a time for you to make what is called “new traditions.” Do something totally different to take your mind off of what you used to do. 

Volunteer for the day somewhere that will make you feel valuable like in a hospital or shelter. If you’re artistic, create something beautiful that will make you feel good. I am so, so amazed at how many unbelievable artists there are in this group. I am always in awe when I see your beautiful creations. I’m also so jealous, and I’m the first to admit it! Rent some comedies to watch on the holiday that will make you laugh. Take on a new project that you’ve been putting off for a while just to distract you. Try to make this holiday about YOU and not about HIM.

Thank all of you who send me letters of thanks and appreciation. It always validates the work that I do to help our women move out of the dark and into the light. And don’t forget—a New Year is dawning. It’s a time for a renewal of hope. Without hope, there can be no progress. Keep moving “straight” ahead!


One of the members of my support network is an amazing woman Kristi. She sent this message for our women who are struggling with moving out of their relationships. I hope her words help and inspire you--as they did for me. Thank you, Kristi, for sharing!!

I feel the need to share my heart on something with y'all. It's a deeper look into my story than I think I've shared before.
In light of a straight wife's mention of reconciliation, I just feel like it might be time to bring it up in case it might help anyone. I don't know why I've never felt compelled to share the entirety of it before now. I guess it just makes me feel so stupid and so blind that I haven't.
Anyway, here goes, and I hope it helps someone.
My gay ex and I got married in January 1994. In December 1994 (Christmas Eve, to be exact), he told me he had always thought he might be gay. Shocked (although I shouldn't have been, I guess, because my mom had told me from Day 1 that he was, and my gut said so, too), I remember saying, "So, what do we do now?"
He said, "Well, I don't want to act on it."
I stupidly and naively crawled into the closet where I would spend the next bunch of years and said, "Well, if you promise not to act on it, I promise I'll never tell anyone."
He agreed, and we stayed married until February 1998, when I finally couldn't take the rejection anymore.

On Groundhog Day (what a great Coming Out day, huh?) 1998, he said, "I'm gay."
I again (pre-Bonnie's SWC (Straight Wives Club)) said, "So, what do we do now?"
See, the good Christian girl in me had promised never to get a divorce no matter what.
He said, "Well, I guess we get a divorce."
I was horrified, but it was clear that he had no intention of staying. He was free.

For the next few weeks, I slept in what had been our bed, while he slept in the guest room. He was so mean to me. So cruel, so hateful... He rubbed my face in his new reality and made it clear that he couldn't wait for me to get out.
I did. On Valentine's Day. 1998.
We agreed not to see each other or speak to each other again, but I broke down and called him. We had grown so dependent on one another (largely due to the crappy secret I was keeping), and I believe now that he saw the value in keeping a sucker in his pocket. So, we reconnected.

From about July 1998 until the fall of 1999, we kept in touch via email. His email then was the ever-so-gay Cute28FL because, in his words, he was cute, 28, and lived in Florida.
He told me details of all of his escapades. Graphic detail.
I was so torn up and so devoid of anyone who could POSSIBLY understand what I was going through that I honestly just craved the friendship. He knew the secret, so I could talk freely without watching my every word. Yes, I was still keeping it. Gosh, how I needed the SWC back then!!!!
Anyway, I visited with him in Florida once for Christmas, and we exchanged presents and marveled at how wonderful our relationship was that we could remain close even after divorce.
He told me of his relationships (living with 6 different men in 6 different apartments over the course of a year and a half), and I supported him to his face and cried myself to sleep every night. Yet another secret I kept...
In fall 1999, he called me to tell me that he had moved back in with his parents and was thrilled to tell me that he wasn't gay anymore. That God had changed him.
I argued that it was impossible, but he poured on the charm and begged me to meet with him to see the differences in him- because surely once I saw him, I would see the miraculous transformation God had made in his life, and if I believed that God could do anything, I would certainly be able to believe in the change God had made in him.
Again, stupidly, I agreed. And he was right- at least to my naive eye! His walk was different. His talk was different. He talked of how he regretted not being affectionate with me and how he wanted to "have sex all night" with me.
I got sucked in, but mind you, he still felt it very important that he not have sex with me unless we were married.
Seduced by the thought that he FINALLY wanted me and blinded by my own loneliness (and not wanting it to seem that I didn't believe that God can do anything), I agreed to remarry him.
So, I did- in January 2000 (on our original anniversary date).
Not that it will surprise any of you, but never even once was there anything close to "sex all night."
Six months later, he began cheating on me. That cheating would continue for the next 12 years- until he finally broke down and confessed to having sex with "hundreds of men."
You'd think that's when I got out, wouldn't you? No, Queen Stupid here still didn't know what to do. Again, no SWC...
But don't worry, he said. Why? Because guess what!! God changed him again! (Don't even get me started on how much I believe there is a special place in hell for people who use God to cover their own lies and for their own special purposes, but I digress)...
I went to my preacher, who told me I had every Biblical right to get a divorce but that "we serve a God of restoration and RECONCILIATION" and that he'd like to see me give him 6 weeks to prove the change in him.
I was so much in shock and so numbed by it that I said, "OK," and six weeks went by, and still having no idea what to do, I told him that I wanted him to sign a contract that I would make up that would allow me access to all of his online accounts (FB, etc.) so that he couldn't do anything anymore. He agreed never to go to the restroom alone again. He would never be online unless I was around.
So, the sucker became a wife, and the wife became the babysitter...
And six weeks became six months, and I buried myself in a cocoon of survival and self-preservation. I was sure no one could ever understand me or what I was going through, and surely I must be unlovable, or this man, whom God kept "changing," could find it in his heart to love me.
My options were to survive or be alone forever. At least, that's what I thought.
Finally, I found Bonnie and the SWC and found my voice. I also found my own self-esteem and my own self-worth.
You, my dear sisters, are worth far more than the mirage of reconciliation. You are worth more than spending your days hoping that, one day, you'll be enough.
You already ARE enough. You are just trapped in a relationship with someone who will never see it.
I gave up half of my life hoping that the caterpillar would become a butterfly. In the end, I found that it was impossible, for he was a worm and never a caterpillar at all.
I found that I was the caterpillar and that I had stayed in the cocoon far too long. I can't tell you the joy I felt in allowing myself to become the butterfly.
You, my precious sisters, are butterflies. Don't stay in the cocoon. Please don't be fooled by the temptation of reconciliation. Worms never become butterflies- no matter how long you wait and wish.
After years of staying in a place where I didn't belong and wasn't (and never would be) wanted, I finally made the decision to free myself. If only I had known what awaited me on the other side of my decision! I am now married to a wonderful straight man who loves me the way a husband is SUPPOSED to love him wife, and he loves my kids, too, as if they were his own. I had convinced myself that a happy ending just wasn't meant to be. What I didn't realize was that a happy ending is impossible when married to a gay man.
My prayers are with all of you- always. Love to you all..


Starting in January, my weekly computer radio show will return to Sunday evenings. The time will remain at 9:00 p.m. EST, 8:00 CT, 7:00 MT and 6:00 PT.  Each month, my monthly co-hosts Suzette Vearnon, life coach, and Dr. Brian Hooper, therapist, will continue to start and end the month. In between, I will have others who can help us with our healing process. Here's a link to some other shows from this month:


Author Tarra Helfgott paid a visit to my special show on December 13th to talk more about her book Looking for Mr. Straight. Tarra really knows some of the signs that we haven't even thought about.  You can listen to the broadcast at this link:


Social activist Joyce M. Short, author of Carnal Abuse by Deceit, was my guest on December 14th. Joyce spoke about the deceit of people who have sex with women and misrepresent themselves and their intentions. Joyce has a petition on her blog to try to get action for women for assault crimes. Please take a moment to sign the petition and see how to order her inspirational book at www.stoprapebyfraud.com.

Here is a link to the show:


Dr. Karin Huffer is offering her program for Equal Access Advocates (EAA) advocate training on line starting in January. EAA’s court advocates are prepared to recognize and challenge legal abuses and the syndrome that can result from extreme stress.  Their education includes the use of tools for and information on conducting functional disability assessments.  Classes prepare advocates to design accommodations that offset symptoms supporting litigants.  The jewel in this program is the incorporation of eight steps to maintain mental health to be applied at the beginning, during, and end of the litigation process.  Mental and physical endurance are paramount to quality of life during and after the litigation experience.
Dr. Huffer has been on my Straight Wives Talk Show twice in the past because of this wonderful opportunity for our women who are looking into starting or restarting a career. The great thing that Dr. Huffer revealed is that when you come out of a marriage with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, this is accepted as a disability, so you qualify to have a trained advocate with you in court as you go through the process.
To hear more about the show, here is a link to our original show about this:

To learn more, you can write to Dr. Huffer at: Legalabuse@gmail.com
The website can be seen at: http://www.equalaccessadvocates.com/

Have a peaceful holiday--and if you need support--write to me! I'm only a click away!
Love, Bonnie

Sunday, August 16, 2015

August 2015     Volume 16, Issue 167

Bonnie’s Mantra:

Bonnie's next Healing Weekend: OCTOBER 3/4 in Philadelphia. Join me as we gather to share our stories and learn from professionals how to get on the road to healing. This will be a most remarkable and memorable weekend for our Straight Sisters. The seminar is my gift to our women. The only charge is transportation, hotel (great group rate), and food. This will be a weekend that will dramatically change your life. Write to me for details at Bonkaye@aol.com for more information.


On my radio show in July with my monthly last weekend co-host, Dr. Brian Hooper, a new thought suddenly dawned on me. Some of you are married to gay men whom I will call "DRY GAY HUSBANDS."  This is a term that I have adopted from the AA group which defines a person who is not drinking but acting out in the same way as a "Dry Drunk."
According to an article on the Internet, "The term dry drunk is believed to originate from 12 Step recovery groups. It is used to describe those who no longer drink alcohol but in many ways behave like they were still in the midst of addiction. The dry drunk may be full of resentment and anger. Instead of finding joy in their life away from alcohol, they can act as if they were serving a prison sentence. The only change this person has made is to stop drinking, but in other respects their life remains the same. Friends and family can complain that the dry drunk is almost as hard to be around as they were when drinking. In Alcoholics Anonymous, they describe it as a person that hasn’t touched alcohol in years, but have not yet managed to get sober."

The article continues to say, "The individual has a low tolerance for stress. They easily get upset if things are not going their way. Such an individual can suffer from loneliness and lack of interest in activities to fill their time.

Denial can be as big a problem for the dry drunk as it can be for the practicing addict. The individual may refuse to see that their life in recovery needs to change. Due to this denial they may continue to live a miserable life in recovery indefinitely. Recovery is not as satisfying as they expected and they will feel cheated because of that.:

There are some similarities here to the men I now call "Dry Gay Husband." These are gay married men living with you who believe they are making the grand sacrifice for their families by staying with you. They aren't necessarily out there cheating, but they are fantasizing, watching gay porno, or masturbating--actually anything that isn't directly cheating on you. Oh yes--they still aren't having sex with you. Look, if he has to suffer and sacrifice his sexual happiness, why shouldn't you?

Some of you have told me that your dry gay husbands refuse to admit they are gay. Trust me--they are not doing this to "gaylight" you--they are doing it because they don't believe they are gay. Here is how their math goes:

Watching gay porno + fantasizing about sex with a man + rejecting wife = STRAIGHT!!!

How could they possibly be gay if they are not doing the deed? By why aren't they  doing it?

Just as the article says about alcoholics, the same remains to be true for gay men in "recovery." 

They are staying in their marriages out of a sense of shame. They don't want people to know they "could be" gay. Maybe if you weren't there holding the tightened leash around their necks, they'd be responding to the ads on Craig's List. Maybe they would want to stay anonymous and answer ads on Grindr, the gay phone app where you put down your location and everyone within minutes who wants to "hook up" with a stranger answers. Maybe he would be satisfying those normal gay urges for gay men if he had the time to deal with his sexuality--but he doesn't. You have him on the "short leash" making him feel he can't do it.

Two good lessons can be learned from this. Let's compare.

First, the dry drunk.

The dry drunk may be full of resentment and anger. Instead of finding joy in their life away from alcohol, they can act as if they were serving a prison sentence. The only change this person has made is to stop drinking, but in other respects their life remains the same.

Let's compare the dry gay husband:

The dry gay is full of resentment and anger. He doesn't feel joy in leading a straight family life, and he acts like he is living a prison sentence. I remember my ex often saying to me, "I feel trapped." I didn't understand the meaning of those words. "Trapped how?" I used to ask him. It made me feel as if he didn't want to be with me. I never forced him to do anything he didn't want--and in fact--did most of the things he wanted to do. But he still felt trapped. I didn't understand it back then because I didn't understand gay back then. Now I do. I really do understand. When a gay man is living a straight life, he does feel trapped because he is living a life that isn't his to live. He can't be honest about it out of "fear" (#1 greatest reason why they don't tell you), "shame"  (#2 reason why they won't tell you," or "love" (they love you too much to tell you). So instead, they will blame you for their unhappiness (after all, they are sacrificing their happiness for you), blame you for their failures (you are never supportive enough), blame you for the lack of passion in the bedroom (you are always thinking about sex--can't you give a guy a break?), and blame you for any other unhappiness they are experiencing that has NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU. They are gay men misplaced in a straight marriage. That's the only problem.

Oh, to sidetrack for just a moment--here is something I really hate. I hate when these dry gay husbands fall out of "recovery" and back into the gay world and meet someone. That's usually when I'll hear from the several hundred men who write to me or call me each year for help. They tell me how hard they tried for so long to be a good husband and a good dad. They tell me most of those gay attractions they may have previously had were gone. And then one day--out of nowhere, a man comes into their lives and all of those doubts disappear. They finally feel whole again. They now know what they've been missing. And--they can accept the fact that they are gay.

Then they ask me what's the best way to tell you--the wife. The only strategy I know how to work with is the truth. Not, "I'm thinking that there might be something different about me," or "I'm think about it sometimes, but then the feeling goes away. I tell them:  "NO!!! No false hope." I don't believe in dragging this out one day longer giving you a bigger chance to live in bigger denial by being a "better wife." No, not me. Almost all of the time I can get men to be honest--at least about being gay. But here is what I really hate. When a man says to me, "Why do I have to tell her?" and I say, "Because it's the right thing to do," and he comes out with, "OUR MARRIAGE WOULD HAVE ENDED IN DIVORCE ANYWAY.

"Why?" I ask.


In other words, if you would have looked or acted better, he wouldn't be gay. UGHHHHH.
That's when I have to slap some reality into them, but they don't want to hear me.

Anyway, getting back to the second point about the dry alcoholic:

Recovery is not as satisfying as they expected and they will feel cheated because of that.:
Translation for the dry gay husband who is still living with you:
Living the straight life is not as satisfying as they hoped and they feel cheated because of that.  Oh yes they do. Here is a typical statement from this kind of gay husband:

"I stayed with my wife for 22 years until the children were grown. I did the right thing by my family. Now it's time for me to do the right thing for me because I've been cheated out of the best years of my life. Look what i sacrificed."

The majority of these men may have stayed--but was it really the right thing? For those 22 years, how many times did his wife wonder where she was going wrong in the marriage? Why 
didn't her husband want to touch her anymore? Why did he always get so angry with her? Why couldn't she ever make him happy for any period of time? Why did he accuse her of all the problems she created in the marriage when she didn't mean things in the way he misinterpreted them? And now he's going to blame you because you were too suspicious...needy...possessive...jealous... Oh yes, jealous. How could you not be jealous knowing your husband would rather masturbate than touch you? I say PLEAZZZZZZZZE!!!! Yes, there are a lot of z's!!!

I know that breaking up is scary and very hard to do. Been there, done that. However, living with someone who is so emotionally out of touch with you and verbally or even sometimes physically abusive is no way to live either. Living without human touch or emotional connections bring you down--they never lift you up. Don't tell me that you buy into your husband's words of, "Well, most couples stop having sex eventually." But after two or three years of marriage when you are in your 30's? I don't think so--unless they are gay. And straight couples have years of sexual enjoyment to remember. You don't.

Some of you really feel stuck. If you need support or help in getting "unstuck," then write to me at Bonkaye@aol.com. You can't save a marriage to a gay man--even the ones where he isn't cheating in person. Face the fact he is not the man for you--and there will never be a right woman for him.

There is no "break-up to make-up" as the song goes. Even when he comes running back to you after a few months with new promises of good behavior and love after his first boyfriend breaks up with him, he is just running scared after someone broke his heart just like he broke yours. 

Don't be lulled into that blanket of false security because as fast as you wrap it around you is as fast as he will yank it from you--and he will. Break up--and don't make up. If you do, I promise you he will be a dry gay husband and only make you miserable and blame you for keeping him down. Been there and done that too!


Trust me. I really understand.  Some of you were married to your gay husband for 10, 20, 30 or even 40 or more years. It was a lifetime of hurt, sexual rejection, and de-feminization. And now it's behind you and you want to move into your next phase:


Sadly, this is where so many of our women get hurt over and over again. They are finally free and want to recapture their days of youth when they were in love. Part of it is a need because of the loss of physical touch--some of it is validation--and yet another part is wanting to feel wanted after being rejected for so long.

When your marriage breaks up, part of you is BROKEN. Men sense this. It's something in the way you look or talk. They know you are needy--and they are hoping that the neediness will help them in their conquests to get you into the bedroom.

Many of us end up right there. It's a night or two of romance that rocks our world. Remember, most of us have been celibate for years. The sexual encounters with our gay husbands were not very fulfilling. Some women have only had one sexual partner--their gay husbands--and don't really know how glorious "real sex" can be.

The problem is we are women who love. And we expect our new sexual straight men to fall in love with us as we are with them so we can live happily ever after. It rarely happens. Here are some basic things to think about:

Some of you have been away from dating for a long, long time. You aren't even sure how to date. Some of you never even dated because you married your childhood sweetheart when you for 18 or 19. That's how I was when I wandered back into the arena of wolves 24 years ago. I was prime for the picking by every odd ball in the dating world. My heart didn't open up for 11 years after my divorce because I had to heal and wanted to raise my children on my own. I was so busy fixing myself with college, graduate school, support groups, single momhood and exhaustion--that I didn't really care. I was single and happy. But one day that changed. I wanted to love and be loved again. We didn't have computer dating back then, but we had other things such as telephone datelines and classified ads.

I was never much of a dater. It seemed I met men, fell for them quickly, and married them. I didn't really know how to date. I learned, but I also learned a hard lesson. There are a lot of game players and sickos out there.

Men knew I was vulnerable like most of us are after these marriages. The can sense it and smell it like a shark smells a body in the water. My heart was broken a number of times during that first year because when I like someone, I fall too hard. But as I tell our women--you have to practice, practice, practice until your soulmate comes along. There are bumps and even mountains along the way, but you can't give up on love if you want to spend your life with someone who is right for you.

The reality is that most men by the time they are 50+ are well developed in their thoughts and actions. They are not very flexible as far as change. They, too, will come with plenty of their own baggage just from the natural progression through life. Very few people escape that. That's why you can't ignore red flags that are waiving at you. These won't be red gay flags, but they will be other kinds of red predatory flags. And yes, we all have baggage, but the goal is to meet someone you can share life with--not take care of his life. We've all done that the first time--and we don't want to do it anymore.

Learn from the beginning that if it isn't working for you in the short run, it just won't be working for you in the long run. Cut your losses early and MOVE ON. There are millions of men out there.  

Take your time and learn from each dating experience. View it as a learning adventure in what you want and what you don't want. I also believe that "starter relationships" have value because you need to start somewhere, but chances are your first romance post-marriage won't be your last or you best. But you learn some very valuable lessons:

1. You can have feelings for another man--feelings of desire and love that you thought    had died.

2. You can learn the glory of passionate love-making with the right straight man.
Both of these lessons are positives if you learn from them.

Bottom Line: In future relationships, expect more and never settle. Learn to love yourself enough during your recovery that you'll never allow another man to injure you again. And most importantly--have some fun on that road of hope. That means keep practicing--but do it safely!


Each month, over 2,000 women listen to my radio shows according to the counter at the radio station. Some of the listeners give me such wonderful feedback because this helps them feel more connected.

The great thing about the radio show is that you can listen from your computer anytime it is convenient for you by going to the link or checking blogtalkradio.com by typing in Bonnie Kaye's Straight Wives Talk Show. All you have to do is click into the link, and the show will start. For the links below, just cut and paste

On the first Monday of every month, I have inspirational life coach Suzette Vearnon on the show to lift your spirits during your recovery. On the last Monday of the month, Dr. Brian Hooper wows us with his calming advice on rebuilding our lives. In between, I have been so lucky to have some of the best speakers in the world. On September 14, Debra Sutton will return to my show to discuss her course on Advocacy that she is taking through Dr. Karin Huffer as well as her book Signs of a Gay Husband: Identifying Closeted Gay Husband Behaviors. You can hear my recent  programs on the links listed below.














Sunday, August 2, 2015


I am such a fan of family therapist Dr. Majalis Fjelstad who has a practice in Fort Collins, Colorado. She was recently a guest on my show discussing her book Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist: How to Get Out of the Drama and Get on With Life. Many of our women have been married to narcissist/borderline personality men. Dr. Fjelstad will soon be offering an online course to help women understand the role they play as a caretaker and how to make positive changes to save you from years of unhappiness. I will announce more information as it is announced. In the meantime, learn from Dr. Fjelstad! This is part of her August newsletter.


dorothy-costume.jpg   A large component of the Caretaker role is trying to please everyone--except yourself of course.  Pleasing other people doesn't seem like a particularly terrible behavior, and being positive and polite certainly feels better for everyone.  Right?  So how could it be a "Lose-Lose" behavior?  It's the way that Caretakers focus entirely on pleasing others--especially the borderline or narcissist--that becomes a problem. You have to remember that YOU ARE A PERSON TOO.  So you should be considered as someone worthy of pleasing.  If you aren't pleasing yourself at the same time you are being pleasing to others, then you are headed for emotional injury, resentment and hurt. When you continually feel that just being yourself isn't pleasing enough to the other person, you might want to rethink that relationship.


Feelings are very mysterious things. They can arise suddenly or develop over time. They sometimes seem to come from nowhere, and we often don't know why they are happening. Other times they seem to be caused by things that happen or things that people do.  We don't questions why we have good feelings. But we may spend a lot of time trying to figure out why we or others are having bad feelings. Even calling feelings good and bad can get in our way of understanding what feelings are.

What is really happening when you have a feeling?


Feelings are the result of an event happening PLUS your physiological or emotional reaction PLUS what you think about what happened and what meaning you give to the event.

Events happen every moment of every day. Someone says, "I hate you". Your loved one proposes. You get fired. You find out you're pregnant. Your grandmother dies. These events do not actually CAUSE your feelings. They simply sets the stage for your reaction.

Your emotional reaction is primarily an autonomic nervous system response in the body that can speed up or slow down your blood pressure, heart rate, digestion, and other organ systems. When something is threatening, Caretakers, BPs and NPs each have significantly different autonomic reactions to the SAME EVENTS. Borderlines most frequently will react with a fear and fight reactions. Narcissists more often have a flight or avoidance reaction. While Caretakers respond with a freeze and "don't rock the boat" reaction. These are physiological reactions that trigger sensations in the body that eventually lead to feelings.

Thoughts and meanings actually have the most overall power to determine what feeling you end up experiencing. Thoughts can include memories, fears of future possibilities, images in your mind, and how aware or unaware of your nervous system reaction you are. If you have experienced abuse or rejection, feel insecure financially, or you are extremely sensitive to your nervous system responses, you might go into instant alert and be ready for the worst to happen. On the other hand, if you have a serene and calm life with few changes, you have always been treated well, or you don't have strong physiological reactions to events, you might be relaxed, receptive and positive about what is happening--no matter what the event..

Meanings include your beliefs, your interpretations of your experiences, your conclusions, your values, your wishes and dreams, your fears, your understandings, etc. Meanings include everything that your mind has ever decided (consciously or unconsciously) about reality. But thoughts and meanings are NOT REALITY; they are our interpretations of reality.

So the event, your nervous system reaction, and your thoughts and meanings ALL go into creating the feeling you are having in the moment. Amazingly, this whole process that creates your feeling happens within 1/100th of a second. Because it happens so fast, we easily interpret our feelings to be CAUSED by the event. And when the reaction is stronger and more frightening, it is easier to believe that the event is the culprit.

BP/NPs have extremely strong autonomic reactions to any change or any threat of rejection in their environment. They instantly feel panic and danger when anything happens that they don't expect. To the BP/NP feelings are FACTS, and their interpretations of those feelings are FACTS. The BP/NP reacts intensely to protect their vulnerability by attacking and fighting at the first sign of emotional discomfort.

As a Caretaker, your natural response to freeze tells you not to move, respond or run--just keep quiet, blend in and don't make a sound. If you were in a jungle where you wouldn't be seen, this could be a very good response. But in a relationship with an attacking BP/NP you are extremely vulnerable.

The BP/NP's intense response and their interpretations of events can be very convincing because the BP/NP is on overdrive and you are frozen in panic.

In order to effectively protect yourself you need to tune into all the elements that are causing your feeling, not just looking at the event. Caretakers have a much greater ability to change thoughts and meanings than the BP/NP. However, you shouldn't change them to match the BP/NP's skewed interpretations; change them to come more into congruence with reality. You can't convince a riled up BP/NP to see reality, but that doesn't have to keep you from seeing it.

Feelings are just one way we make sense of the world and what we are experiencing. Information about the actual event along with your feelings can help you make better decisions and come to more productive solutions. Events without feelings or feelings without events can lead you to very poor decisions. Caretakers tend to focus on the events, while BP/NPs focus entirely on the feelings. No wonder communication is so difficult. 

Saturday, August 1, 2015



We know that a marriage to /divorce from a gay husband presents problems that are unique to us that traditional divorces don't face. One of my most unpleasant tasks is to tell women that they must get tested for sexually transmitted diseases. This isn't always easy.

Women who contact me in their early days of discovery seem to have a common theme. They write to say that they believe there could be a problem in their marriage.....they don't know quite how to say it....but possibly, their husbands are having curiosity about.....well...male sex. Of course--they reassure me--that maybe it is just their (the wife's) "imagination running away with them," to quote a song. So we go through the usual back and forth questions such as:

            Me: Why would you think that your husband might be gay?

            Woman: Sometimes I see some suspicious things going on at home.

            Me: Like what?

            Woman: Like gay porno popping up on the computer....strange calls in the middle of the night...my husband unaccountable at various times during the week....our shared passwords that are now private from me...his lack of interest in sex....etc., etc., etc.

You all know the story. You've been there....done that or are doing that....had those same conversations with me or read enough about them in my newsletters.

I often wonder how we of such little faith in our husbands' sexuality can have such powerful faith that these behaviors are nothing more than random thoughts or temporary moments of mid-life insanity even when we know they are going on.

How many women have told me with great conviction and insistence that their husbands would NEVER act on it--NEVER. Or at least they haven't acted on it yet.

And guess what? It's not wishful thinking. They truly believe this. Impossible. Can't be. How many women have told me that they know there is no chance that this has ever happened because they are tied to their husbands 24 hours a day and know every move their husbands are making?

Boy, do they get mad at me when I break the news to them that it only takes 30 seconds in a men's room while they are at dinner for this to happen. Of course I try to break it gently to them by asking my 24 hour guards if they go to the bathroom with their husbands first before I break the news to them.

After 14 years of these newsletters and lots of books with YOUR stories of how this is really the truth, I still have the sad job at least once or twice a day of having this same discussion with new women. And please don't misunderstand what I am about to say--I KNOW HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO FACE THIS TRUTH. No matter how many years ago my marriage ended, the memories will always remain. And in my case, they may be remaining longer than usual because of listening to new stories every day.

As soon as I can get a woman to concede that this is the problem plaguing her marriage, the next thing I do is tell her to get TESTED for STD's. They respond with:

            Woman:  Why would I do that? My husband isn't cheating on me.

            Me:  Well, just in case....maybe in the past (trying to be gentle)

            Woman:  No way. Besides, we only have sex a few times a year.

            Me: Is it protected sex?

            Woman: No--I wouldn't want him to think I DON'T TRUST HIM.

Yes, I do feel like screaming when a woman tells me this even after I reveal the startling statistics just based on your responses of the diseases nearly 20% of my support network are left with as a long-term reminder of the marriage.

This is my major motivating reason of why I want to share these letters with you. I felt if you heard this from a gay man who experienced first-hand what I am telling you, maybe you'll learn to accept it sooner than later or never and do the right thing for YOU. 

Back in April, I received an email from a man whom I will not identify to keep his privacy. Here is what it said:

I was sitting in my office on a somewhat quiet (rare in my office) afternoon and was poking around Google. I am not sure what I put in as a search but I found your site. I have been reading it for the last hour and was wondering if there was any way that I could contribute to helping the people that are involved with these married men that live a seemingly straight life.

Now I will tell you about me.....

I am a gay man, have been gay my whole life and am comfortable with myself and the fact that everyone in my life and family have always known. I grew up in New England and for whatever reason, was never made to feel ashamed of my sexuality so I feel like I must have grown up almost as normal as they come. Now, please understand that I have my own set of issues but that is not the reason I am sending you this e-mail. I am sending it because I want to know if there is a way that I can assist you or your organization.

You see, for whatever reason, I seem to be a "divining rod" for gay men trapped in a married body or whatever you want to call it. I cannot tell you how many times I have been in my local grocery store and a guy has followed me around or out to the car. It happens all the time. Many times I have invited these men to my home for sex. Some of them have become regulars. They are all married.

I live in a medium sized town in (withholding city name) and it is fairly progressive and pretty open but there is still a bit of the "good old boy" network that prevails.

The men that come to me are in all cases VERY handsome and well groomed. Most workout regularly and two of them are very muscular with perfect bodies. They are all completely on the down low and require complete discretion. I enjoy the time I spend with them and they enjoy what they get during their visit.

I have often thought about creating a website to expose these guys but, like I said, small town here and I am not the type that makes waves. I feel like I have a story to tell but do not know where to begin. While I find these guys nice and easy to talk to, they are also very selfish and arrogant and seem to be able to compartmentalize their behavior to justify their actions. Only one guy, gets so guilty after sex he actually starts crying. Another man, cannot speak to me after he is finished and simply puts his clothes back on and leaves without one word.

I tell all the single women that I know that they need to be careful because I cannot believe that there are so many guys who like to play both side of the fence.

Like I said, I have a story to tell and I wish there was a way that their unsuspecting wives could be told. Your website is incredible and the passion you have about this subject is wonderful. I love what you say about the penis being the line in the sand. I applaud you!

I wrote back to this man and asked him to send me more information. I responded:
On one hand, you're asking how you can help. On the other hand, you're telling me that you are sleeping with married men. I guess it is somewhat of a interesting concept. So since you were so thoughtful in asking how you could help, I'll tell you how I think you can best do this.

Maybe you could write something for me to share with the women who come to me who aren't sure about their husbands because after all--they are married to them and don't want to believe the worst.  Maybe as "the other man" who is sleeping with their husbands, hearing from you would be helpful and powerful.

He responded:

Based on what I have seen in my area, most of the married guys use Craig's List to set up their meetings. I have seen a recent shift to GRINDR but most of the guys there are still gay and honestly, seems like only want to play games and talk.

I have a new regular buddy that I have had over a couple times. He is 35, married, has a couple kids and lives pretty close to me. He really wants me to f..k him bareback (without condoms), which is something I will not do. But this got me thinking about the whole bareback/safe sex thing.

If I was to do a survey of the married guys that I have met, I would say that MOST of them would prefer that I have sex with them without a condom. It always comes up and I am not sure why they would entertain such risk. Could it be a self-loathing? I have never been able to figure it out. There does not seem to be anything tied to education (or lack of), since most of the guys are highly educated and seem to have high end lives and careers. It baffles me that someone would risk bringing something home.

I know that I have had guys that stopped seeing me after I was absolute about the practice of safe sex. I am just curious, have any of the women in your group reported being infected with something as a result of the husband's behavior? It is something that amazes me and it leaves me wondering what is going on in the guy's head that would make him want to do something so foolish.

Some might think it twisted but I these men are for the most part very nice. However there is an underlying selfishness about them. They are getting what they want so they are fine and it amazes me how easily they can compartmentalize this behavior.

I shared this correspondence with you because it is dangerous to you, the straight wife, to live in your husband's denial. Although you want to feel that giant sense of relief when he tells you how he would never cheat on you because he loves you, it takes you down a dark road--especially if you had or continue to have unprotected sex with him.

Too many of our women were left with the life-time stigma of an STD or more than one ranging from HIV/AIDS, herpes, gonorrhea, syphilis, or the HPV virus. Some women will be on medication for the rest of their lives due to the carelessness of their gay husbands. Every time a woman writes to me to tell me this is her story, it makes me so sad thinking about the daily reminder she will have for the rest of her life.

Sadly, some of these men look their wives straight in the face and ask them whom they've been cheating with--blaming their innocent wives. Men who do that are shameful and lack a conscience--but some of your husbands are like that. Blame--you get it!

If you suspect that your husband has attractions to men, grab the red flag hanging over your eyes and PUSH IT AWAY. Look at the situation and get yourself TESTED. It's a simple test that is very common place today. No shame--no embarrassment.  Put your mind at ease. And if there are results you were fearful of--the sooner the better to get the help you need for a healthier life.


Not all gay husbands are narcissists, but it appears from my experience that many of them are. This can be due to a number of reasons that comes about either through nature or upbringing, but regardless of what came first--the chicken or the egg--the behavior is there for us to deal with not only during the marriage but after it as well.

On Monday night, July 13, I was thrilled to have Dr. Margalis Fjelstad as my guest on the Straight Wives Radio Show. Dr. Fjelstad is a licensed marriage counselor in Fort Collins, Colorado, who specializes in helping women whom she identifies as "caretakers" on how to set boundaries with partners who are narcissists or borderline personalities. Her book Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get on With Life has been a life changer for some of our women. Here is a link to the show that you can paste into your browser and listen to at any time:


Let's face it--many of us ARE caretakers. (My hand is the first one up!) Recognizing this and learning how to start taking care of yourself is the first step towards healing some of those wounds that will keep reopening in your future relationships.

Dr. Fjelstad has a monthly newsletter that she is offering to all those who may be interested in reading her words of support. On her website at: http://www.margalistherapy.com, under the "Contact" tab, you can sign up for her free monthly newsletter.

On her site, she identifies some of the characteristics of a narcissist. She says:
Clients often ask me, “How can I tell if I’m in a relationship with a narcissist?” and “How can I keep from getting into a new relationship with an emotional manipulator?”
Here are what I call the RED FLAGS of emotional manipulators
1.  High need for attention.
·         Shows off a lot (even dangerous, sneaky or illegal behaviors).
·         Talks constantly—especially stories about their own adventures or achievements.
·         Name drops, lists own accomplishments.
·         Brings focus of conversations back to himself.
·         Expects you always be available to him.
2 .Grandiose behavior.
·         Always has a better story, a better accomplishment, or a worse experience to share.
·         Looks down on other people. Frequently acts superior.
·         Knows it all. Has the latest gossip, information, or inside story.
·         Contradicts others and/or puts them down.
·         Expects preferential treatment.
·         Expects to do everything his way.

3. Greater than normal emotional reactions.
·         Takes offence easily.
·         Demands apologies. (Though he rarely or never apologizes.)
·         Happier, angrier, sadder, more excited than the norm.
·         Emotions very intense, but often short lived.
·         Over-reacts to the unexpected.
 4.Lack of empathy of understanding of others’ feelings.
·         Doesn’t understand your feelings or minimizes them.
·         Can’t seem to see things from your point of view.
·         Shows little interest in what others think, feel or do.
5. Need for control. Pressures you to get what he wants.
·         Constantly asking for what he wants, and withdrawal, hurt or anger if you don’t give in.
·         Hints or demands that you see or do things their way or they will leave the relationship.
 6. Discounts or minimizes your needs.
·         May directly tell you that you don’t REALLY need or want what you just asked for
·         Discounts your needs and wants as inferior, stupid, un-sophisticated, or irrelevant.
·         Sees requests from you as being NEEDY or SELFISH.
·         “Forgets” what you ask him to do.
·         Controls the money. May spend lavishly on himself, but angry when you spend money.
7. Won’t accept responsibility for their own actions.
·         Blames you or others for his mistakes or failures.
·         Won’t live up to what he says he will do.
·         Stubbornly sticks to the belief that he is right and others are wrong.
·         Makes excuses and gives long explanations why he couldn’t follow through.
8. Not transparent or entirely truthful.
·         He lies to keep from “getting into trouble.”
·         You feel uneasy or feel he isn't telling you the whole truth.
·         You don’t feel you can really trust him.
·         Don’t live up to his stated values when no one is watching.
·         You catch him hiding information, doing things behind your back, taking liberties with the facts.
If you have been in a relationship with a narcissist, you know these behaviors very well. When was the first time you saw these behaviors in the other person? Too often you are likely to discount these behaviors as a “one time thing” or “when he is under pressure”.
When you first get into a relationship with a narcissist, these behaviors may not be directed at you, but you will see them directed at others—a parent, an ex-spouse, their children, a boss, and the generalized “others” the narcissist comes into contact with. They often have stories about their past that include being misunderstood, treated unfairly, taken advantage of, being “ripped off”, and generally angry at not being in control of what happened.
The red flags are there–even in the narcissist’s first interactions with you. Don’t discount them. Don’t ignore them. Narcissists have extremely ingrained behavior patterns that are highly likely to get more and more negative the closer you become emotionally to them. What they once directed onto others, they will eventually direct at you when the time comes that you don’t give them exactly what they want.
Dr. Fjelstad also takes appointments by phone for consultations. You can read about that on her website or buy her book here:  http://www.margalistherapy.com
Keeping with the theme of why we are attracted to men who are not worthy of our love was a radio show from the week before with life coach Suzette Vearnon. Here is a link to that show with some revealing news:  


My weekly radio shows air live on Blog Talk Radio on Monday evenings, but you can listen anytime after it goes live by going to the link.                

From UK Wife Jenny Clarke

Jenny Clarke from the UK English Wives' group writes some beautiful poetry. I think this one reflects the strength in all of our straight wives. Thanks for sharing, Jenny!

Oscar Winners
There is a very special group of ladies 
Who have all had tough times thrust upon them
Yet the bravery, support, love, strength and humour 
Have shone out and embraced is one by one. 
We have been known as the "angry wives" 
By sometimes cruel and often selfish men
But we are all still always hurting 
And wear a mask over and again. 
We do this to protect all those that we love
Our children, friends and family wide
We all have Oscar winning acting skills
We really we want to run and hide. 
So this group of quite remarkable, amazing women 
Will help anyone at the drop of a hat
We are a collective force to be reckoned with
Yes, the English Wives really are just that!