Sunday, September 2, 2018

BONNIE KAYE'S STRAIGHT TALK NEWSLETTER - SEPTEMBER 2018


BONNIE KAYE'S STRAIGHT TALK
September 2018     Volume 19, Issue 202
Bonnie’s Mantra:
LIFE WAS NEVER MEANT TO BE THIS COMPLICATED. PERIOD.
COMPUTER RADIO PODCASTS -    www.blogtalkradio/bonnielkaye                          Live on Sunday night 8 p.m. EST or any time after the live broadcast!

After taking a summer break to work on a most important project, my newsletters are now resuming.
NEXT HEALING WEEKEND

My next HEALING WEEKEND will be in the Orange County, CA area from  April 12 - 14, 2019. If you would like to be part of this amazing weekend, please email me at Bonkaye@aol.com and put the word “Healing” in the subject box. I will send you the details this month. There is no charge for the weekend outside of travel, lodging, and food. This is a life-changing experience for people who need help during the grieving and recovery process.

ME TOO HEALING vs. WE TOO HEALING

I figured out something recently as I was watching the morning news. There was a segment about the women who were active in the ME TOO movement from the world of show business who first joined together to expose movie producer Harvey Weinstein for his sexual abuse. The chips started falling like a domino effect, and before long, there were dozens of women telling their stories of abuse in the hands of Hollywood directors, producers, and high profile movie stars.

On the segment, several of the women were telling how they felt validated after they went public to tell their story. And when they told it--no one laughed. No one said, "She must have known she was going to be raped--after all, what does she expect? In Hollywood, that's how women get jobs." Or, "She was asking for it. How stupid could she be to go to a known predator's house alone for dinner?" No, those are not comments presented by the public. Now there was an outpouring of sympathy for the woman and disdain for the sexual predators.

Some of you are old enough (like I am) to remember when things were very different. Twenty years ago when a woman was raped, she had the finger pointed at her in an accusatory manner. People claimed she was a tramp to start with or she dressed provocatively. If a woman was raped, well, she must have been asking for it. Yes, those were scary times that caused so many women never to report these horrific atrocities. This changed in recent years as society became more aware of who the real victim was--the woman, not the rapist. This change didn't come overnight--but it came. Today when a woman is raped, she can stand up for herself although it is still takes a lot of courage to let people know.

In all honesty, look how long it took these women to stand up and say, "Me too!" A long time--from actresses to most recently, Olympic gymnasts. Thanks to the bravery of the women who said, "No more," these kinds of incidents will not happen nearly as frequently knowing that they will not be tolerated and exposed to the public for criminal charges. Women feel a little safer these days to tell their stories because they are BELIEVED. In the past, when they tried to be honest, they were often discredited and criticized and had all kinds of horrible accusations thrown at them.

If this sounds familiar, well, it is. This is our life. We are the voices of silence much like rape victims used to be. Why? Because people don't believe our plight. They still believe that we: knew our husbands were gay before we married....were desperate to get married so we "overlooked" his secret...stupid for not seeing it because after all, they knew....or the worst--he wasn't gay when he married us, so what did we do to change him? He must have been straight because after all, we produced children. How could a gay man have sex with a straight woman?

Straight wives are the true representatives of the real sounds of silence. This is why people still view us "sad sacks" creating our own misery--or worse yet, deserving it. We need to tell OUR stories. Telling your truth is good because it is psychologically cathartic. But more importantly, it is also breaking the silence on a topic that is widely misunderstood. There is power of a collective voice--a voice that we do not have yet. 

WE NEED TO LEARN A LESSON FROM THIS. "WE TOO" is our battle cry.  I will be starting my "WE TOO" blog this month. If you are willing to share your story--of course, anonymous or fake name is fine--write to me at Bonkaye@aol.com.

BONNIE KAYE KLASSIC

Some of my past writings are too important not to revisit. Here is one from 8/13.

FIGURING OUT THE RESENTMENT OF GAY HUSBANDS & WHO WE ARE

Last month I wrote about my new epiphany that "gay men don't think straight." I had an overwhelming response from readers thanking me for this new discovery. It really cleared up a lot of things for those women so they could stop the self-blame of why their marriages failed or are failing.

I also want to reiterate for the record that although people like to use the quote, "It takes two to make or break a marriage," that does not apply to our type of marriages. In our marriages, it only take one person to make it break--namely your gay husband. Sadly, a number of you are still taking the responsibility for this. Why should you absolve yourself from this responsibility? Here are some reasons.

As women, we go into marriages with certain hopes, dreams, and expectations. We are looking for partners who can truly be partners in every sense of the word based on the perceptions from observations that we have grown up with. The partners we seek out are men who want to be with us on a physical, emotional, and sexual level. While your husband is playing the role of "straight husband," he tries his best to make sure that he is all of these things to you. He has observed straight men from the time he was a child, and as he grew older, he did his best to imitate them in order to keep away any suspicion that he might be gay. And by the way, this is not a "blame" thing on my part--it's an "understanding" thing. 

When you want to be someone other than yourself, you do your best to study everything from walking, talking, and laughing so you can play the role--just like any other actor.
Some of these husbands are even homophobic. I used to think they were putting on an act to throw us off guard. Although this is true for a percentage of gay husbands, it isn't true all of the time. Some of these men really are homophobic. It's due to "self-hatred"  towards those who remind them of what they are. They are the first ones to say the word "faggot" when they suspect or find out someone is gay which is usually offensive to us--their liberal wives who are pro-gay. They have no empathy for men who are going through the "struggle." They work so hard to pull this off their straightness that they have no sympathy for "weaklings" who give in to that "other way of life." You know--an authentic gay life. They really are homophobic--well, until they are in a sexual act with one of those 'faggots." Yeah, I wonder what they say then.

So when we add up all the clues, we breathe a sigh of relief to know that our husbands are 'straight," not "gay." In mathematical terms,

                               "married" + "father" + "homophobic" = STRAIGHT!

Getting back to my point, once we feel confident that our husbands aren't gay, we start wondering why our marriages seem "off-track." It doesn't start with anything major, but rather little things. One of those little things that changes early in the marriage is SEX.
Side note: When women come to me and I ask them, "How is your sex life?," a common response is, "Well, our sex life is good." Almost all of those women who tell me that their sex life is "good' or "normal" have very limited previous sexual experience. Without fail, after they meet a straight man, they are kind enough to write back that their sex lives are "great" 
because they finally understand what making love with a straight man is about.

Sorry--I had to mention that before I forgot. Anyway, as the sex starts waning in your marriage in a short amount of time, you start wondering why the frequency (which was never that frequent to start with) has changed and why your husband seems to be pulling away more and more from you. At first, you ask him gently, "Honey, is everything okay? Is there anything bothering you that you want to talk about?" He quickly responds, "No, not at all. Why are you asking?" At that point, he is seeing a waving red flag and says to himself, "Uh oh, danger ahead...shark...shark...shark..." In other words, is there something that he has done to tip you off? Remember, when someone is living a lie that is tightly wrapped up, he can't afford to allow that package to unravel in any shape or manner lest it all falls apart.

At this point, GAY is the LAST thing on YOUR mind, but it is still the first thing on his mind--as well as wondering if he has let any hidden information slip out by mistake. Did he accidentally say something in his sleep? Was it a glance at a cute guy that lingered too long? Another point I'd like to make--as naive as some of you still are who are reading this--and I say naive--not stupid so please don't think I mean anything other than naive--some of your husbands have continued to have gay sex from the early days of your marriage. It's not like there was a time limit on the "I do" part he said to you in those vows like "I do for today, but I don't know after the first year, five years, ten years."  He really did hope those male sexual attractions would fade if he promised to love and cherish you, but he had no clue either that loving you would not be enough to stop them. You can trust me when I tell you that I know that some of your husbands were having sex with men shortly after your honeymoon--and some even on the honeymoon said to say. How do I know? Don't forget--I counsel hundreds of gay men each year and help them come out to you.

As time passes on in your marriage, you notice "The Big Chill." It is now definitely directed against you. There are only so many headaches, toothaches, and stress aches that any one husband can have. When you start suggesting that "maybe there is something that he doesn't like about YOU," well...you just opened his escape hatch. Yep--that must be it. He quickly retreats for a moment by saying, "Don't be silly," but he is smiling as he says it. Why? Because he knows he can now use that hatch to start his escape plan of blaming YOU.

The next time you try to bring up "the subject," he injects some little thoughts. They start out with, "Honey, why are you always thinking about sex? I don't think it's normal to have sex on your mind all the time." TAKE A GIANT STEP BACK.
The weeks go by and you approach it again. "Honey, I've noticed you have put on some weight. There's something that doesn't look right about you. Maybe you have to start exercising." TAKE ANOTHER GIANT STEP BACK.

Now, it's been several months. You've lost some weight. You've had your hair colored. You went and bought a sexy nightgown. By the time you put it on, he's fast asleep. You try to nudge him, but he's making loud snoring sounds and is totally turned the other way just in case you're checking out his eyes (which are usually squinted shut or wide open while he's doing this. Well, TAKE ONE MORE GIANT STEP BACK.

Do you think he's avoiding you? No, not at all. Like you, he has a mental calendar. Yours is saying how long it's been since he last had sex with you. At the same time, he's counting how many days that it's going to be before he has to do SOMETHING with you as his straight husbandly duty. He's not avoiding you--he's just building up the courage to do something with you that he dreads or at least is distasteful.

He knows you can only take so many steps back before he has to make you feel as you are moving forward or maybe you will start talking to friends and mentioning to them that you think something is wrong.

Now he's going to fool you. He'll suggest some drinks or pot so you can both have some fun. After all, it's been weeks or months. Isn't it time? You are so happy, that you do everything you can to make the mood a real one--quiet candlelight dinner, bottle of wine, kids tucked away, romantic music--and tonight's the night! After waiting for six months, it's your time to shine. All is well with your world--you can take FIVE GIANT STEPS AHEAD! YAAAAAY!  Everything is "normal" again. Those silly thoughts in your head can finally disappear. Whatever it was that was paused is on full speed ahead now--until you try to touch him again. This is where his resentment sets in.

He took care of you, didn't he? Didn't he prove he loved you? Didn't he prove he was straight? And now you want more? What are you, a nymphomaniac? Why do you always have to think about sex? What is wrong with you? Who told you that marriages are like this? What are you, 18 years old that you need so much sex? Uh oh, take
FOUR GIANT STEPS BACK.

Now here is the irony of this whole situation. You think you feel bad for feeling rejected? You gay husband feels the same way because he feels just as rejected as you do when you make him feel inadequate because he can't please you by having enough sex. No matter what he does, it isn't enough. You are NOT being supportive of him when you are finding fault in all of the things he is trying to do to be a good husband to you. In fact, if you ask these men that you are divorcing if they thought they were good husbands to you, the overwhelming majority of them are going to say YES!! And in their minds, they were.

Some of them were good providers as far as providing a home and an income. Some of them took good care of the house making sure it was clean because you didn't exactly do the best job, did you? Was it ever clean enough? They were good companions to you. They loved shopping and fixing up the house. They were very sociable with friends. Okay, maybe they did seem a little different when you were alone, but living with you could be frustrating, couldn't it? You think you're right all of the time. You're very pushy when it comes to many things--but the thing that you are the most pushy about is the sex thing.

Okay--let's talk about "pushy" for a moment since most of us have been accused of that. I guess it won't shock you when I tell you that the majority of these men are very "controlling." SURPRISE!!!! No, it wasn't just your husband/ex-husband--it's most of our husbands. Is this a coincidence? Of course not. Gay husbands are so controlling because they live in the fear of their secret "coming out" long before they are tired of living in the closet. They can't control their sexuality, but they can sure try to control YOU!.

To a man who is controlling, anything that can mess up his well-controlled secret life is a threat. By your questioning him on things that just don't add up, that makes you PUSHY. He does not need you to upset his apple cart. That's where more of his resentment sets in. With the resentment, often comes the anger. Did I mention to you that some of us were married to "rage-a-holics?" These are men who "shout you down to shut you up." In time, we just shut up. We stop asking. We become modern day versions of those Stepford Wives dutifully doing whatever we think we have to do to keep the peace.

Think about it. When you went into the marriage, who were you? Are you still that same woman or did your marriage stunt your emotional growth? Were your expectations in your marriage fulfilled? Were you able to get nourishment and praise so you could grow and reach your personal and professional goals? Was your husband focusing on your happiness for real or what he perceived should be your happiness? Did you become depressed? Did you feel stuck? Did you have to justify your marriage by making excuses such as, "No marriage is perfect," or "It will get better," when you knew there was no way things were getting better? Did you keep trying harder and harder thinking that if you cleaned a little better your husband would finally love you enough? Did you take responsibility for his unhappiness by believing those subtle little messages or not so subtle insults that YOU were the problem in the marriage? You weren't attractive enough? Your body had a bad odor? You were too boring in bed?

The problem is we are working in the dark. Even when we suspect the truth, we can't put the big picture together. Look at it this way. If you were told at your job that you have to put together a 5000 piece jigsaw puzzle in order to get your next paycheck, at first you may look at it as a challenge. But if you had no clue that there were 3 missing pieces, you can imagine how your frustration would set in as you spent hours each day searching over and over again for something that you could never find because you had no idea it was missing. That's how most of our marriages are. Jigsaw puzzles with missing pieces. We keep searching looking to make something right that is always off balance. The more we question what is wrong, the more frustrated our husbands get because in their minds, THEY ARE DOING EVERYTHING RIGHT.

When I told my ex-husband that I thought we should go for therapy after a couple of years into the marriage, his response to me was, "We don't need therapy. YOU are the one who is unhappy--not me." His perception isn't far off from many of your situations. The gay husbands are complacent. Maybe they aren't thrilled, but they aren't ready to jolt. They can get by especially if you don't keep up that annoying sex stuff.  And once you get continually "shut down" in that department, you learn to "shut up."
Feeling a little frustrated? Let me ask you this. If you had a husband who hungered for you, made you feel that being with you was the best part of his day, planned fun events with you, sat next to you with his arm around you or walked holding your hand, told you that you looked beautiful and that after dinner, he wanted you for dessert, do you think you would have turned out differently? If you had a husband who applauded your successes and encouraged you to maximize your potential without worrying that you might say the wrong thing to the wrong person--namely revealing secrets that he was hiding--don't you think you would have been a different woman?

Funny--we usually end up saying that we don't really know the men we married. Here's the true irony--we don't really know the women we were destined to become because we were much too busy becoming the women we thought our husbands could love more if we did more. Put your missing pieces back into the pile. Now that you can solve the puzzle, don't worry about it anymore. Start worrying about who you missed out on being for so many years, and get moving. Life is still out there for you to take. Grab it and run with it--straight ahead!


My radio show will resume in October. Stay tuned for some wonderful guests!!
With love and hope,
Bonnie






Monday, June 18, 2018

BONNIE KAYE'S STRAIGHT TALK NEWSLETTER - JUNE 2018


BONNIE KAYE'S STRAIGHT TALK
June 2018     Volume 19, Issue 201
Bonnie’s Mantra:
LIFE WAS NEVER MEANT TO BE THIS COMPLICATED. PERIOD.
COMPUTER RADIO PODCASTS - www.blogtalkradio/bonnielkaye                                     Live on Sunday night 8 p.m. EST or any time after the live broadcast!

NEXT HEALING WEEKEND


My next HEALING WEEKEND will be in the Los Angeles area in March, 2019. If you would like to be part of this amazing weekend, please email me at Bonkaye@aol.com and put the word “Healing” in the subject box. I will send you the details this month. There is no charge for the weekend outside of travel, lodging, and food. This is a life-changing experience for people who need help during the grieving and recovery process.

POST TRAUMATIC GAY DISORDER

There is a new terminology that I am sharing--PTGD, short for Post Traumatic Gay Disorder. I want to explain this concept to our wives and their gay ex/current husbands so everyone will have a clear understanding of what I mean.

First, let's define Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)
PTSD is a disorder that develops in some people who have experienced a shocking, scary, or dangerous event. It is natural to feel afraid during and after a traumatic situation. Fear triggers many split-second changes in the body to help defend against danger or to avoid it. This “fight-or-flight” response is a typical reaction meant to protect a person from harm. Nearly everyone will experience a range of reactions after trauma, yet most people recover from initial symptoms naturally. Those who continue to experience problems may be diagnosed with PTSD. People who have PTSD may feel stressed or frightened even when they are not in danger.
So how does this apply to PTGD?
Finding out that your husband is gay for women is shocking and scary. In some cases, it is also dangerous due to learning about new diseases you may have contracted including HIV/syphilis/herpes, as well as other forms of emotional and physical abuse many of us suffer in the marriage. Let's face it--we all say that knowing that our husband is gay is better than not knowing because at least it puts the pieces of the puzzle together. When a marriage to a gay man fails, we tend to blame ourselves because we have lost our sense of reality while living on the other side of sanity. Throw in the accusations by your gay husband that "you" are the problem in the marriage--not him--and you'll be dancing around that circle of crazy in three-quarter time. When our husbands "gaylight" us--making us think that we are crazy when we confront them with our suspicions/knowledge of their homosexuality--this just pushes us into a deeper hole of self-doubt.
Our reality in most cases is different than the pretty pictures painted by the media in numerous sitcoms. I know the media has tried in several cases, but our personal tragedies never are quite represented in a meaningful way. Most of us were abused either emotionally, physically, and for sure--sexually. Most of us had our feminine spirit broken into shreds while we kept stepping on while we were walking on top of those broken eggshells. Rejection is an immensely popular way of controlling women who have been broken down--and most of us feel that sense of rejection daily for years and years, long after the marriage is over.
These marriages are unlike straight marriages because we have issues beyond those of a straight marriage. I've discussed many of them throughout the years. The important thing to realize is that there is no real quick recovery fix after this kind of fraudulent marriage.
What I always find fascinating when I work with couples going through this is that the gay husband usually has such a different perception of the marriage than his wife has. In many cases, he feels the marriage is "good." He says they were both "happy." In his mind, he was happy. Why? Because in your mind, you knew he was UNHAPPY so you put all of your efforts into trying to make him happy. As I always say, Straight Wives are always the BEST WIVES because they keep running around in circles trying to make their husbands happy while losing who they are.
Most amazingly, the husband almost always says the "sex was good--at least for you," THE WIFE. He swears he was a top-notch lover regardless of how you felt.  In most cases, he'll blame you for any lack of lust in the bedroom because you were....not very experienced....not willing to "experiment"......not the initiator.....too busy with the children....and his list goes on. And on.
When we learn that our marriages were built on a bed of lies, we never quite know what was real and what wasn't real. While we had so many doubts about ourselves based on how we were treated in the marriage, we now wonder if any of this was true. Recovery is a process for most of us that can take years while unraveling the truths from the lies. Rebuilding trust in ourselves is a major hurdle. Reclaiming our mutated feminine spirit takes time--and lots of time.
What other people don't understand is that almost every woman I have met over the years was very supportive of gay rights. Most of these women had at least one gay friend or family member and supported their cause for equality and recognition. I believe that on some level, gay men who are passing in the straight world look for women who are accepting so that if things don't work out, at least the wife will feel some sympathy/empathy. I will say in most of our situations, things don't end up that way.
You see, while those of us who are supporters of gay rights know that "gay" means "men wanting men on an intellectual level," our minds don't slide into the visual image of what that means on a sexual level. We support it--but we don't want to "watch it." There is something in the way that we are wired that just doesn't want to look at that sexual scene. We don't condemn it--but we don't want to watch it.
After we learn that our husbands are gay, and when we meet their new loves, trust me when I say it is normal to feel a twinge of revulsion. It cuts across your chest like a knife. The man who was "yours" forever and ever now belongs to another man. When you think about it, you feel like throwing up. That's why most of us try not to think about it. The visualization of your ex in bed with a man is too hurtful.
Sadly, as our married lives change, our feelings about "gay" also deteriorate. Any sense of "gay rights" now seem like "gay wrongs" because of how we were involuntarily drawn into the gay community not by choice--but by force. Yes, once you learn your husband is gay, you are now part of a new community that you knew very little about. Why? Because now your children have a "gay father." That wasn't part of the planning when you brought your child into the world. Oh yes--you were planning to raise him/her with your own belief that people should be treated equally and fairly regardless of the sexual orientation--but having a husband who was gay was not part of that equation.
All of a sudden, those feelings of empathy/sympathy change to feelings of contempt and disgust. Women mistakenly believe that their husbands are "choosing a penis" for fun and games over their marriage and children. They think that gay is a "lifestyle" that can be chosen or rejected--at least by their gay husbands who were not gay to start with. You think, "Why would our husband even look in  that direction? Why would some gay man be hitting on my straight husband and confusing him? How did a "bromance" turn into a gay romance? The guy was his best friend--at least that's what he said. And now he wants to have sex with him? Why is he trying to convert him to GAY?" As if it were a religious cult. The man you fell in love with--your best friend, even if he wasn't your best lover--spent years sharing his plans, dreams, and desires with you. "Penis" was not part of the conversation--ever.  And now the lust that he hadn't felt for you in years due to "diabetes, high blood pressure, low testosterone, stress at the workplace, life on  life's terms or whatever..." suddenly has become alive for him driven by some man's penis. How was this even possible?
I would bet my money that every wife who finds out this news goes to bed at night in either a state of shock or after crying herself to sleep for hours only to wake up and think: "I just had the worst dream. I dreamt my husband was gay." It takes about two minutes for the reality to sink in, but eventually it does. And that's when life starts falling apart.
The reason I am telling you this is because people have to understand that supporting gay rights is a totally different situation than supporting a gay husband. We DO NOT have to feel bad that we don't feel sorry for our husbands. We DO NOT have to listen to their trials and tribulations as they go off to their new lives running back to us for comfort when their boyfriends cheat on them or leave them. We do not have to support the gay community at this time because we are feeling raw and betrayed. In fact, we do not care about the gay community which we blame for destroying our marriages.
It is going to take time to put things in perspective. It is going to take time to understand that no one made our husbands gay--they were always gay. They didn't marry us to trick us--they were trying to trick themselves. But as the old ad stated, "You can't fool mother nature." And that old ad was referring to a dishwashing soap--not someone's sexuality.
We need time to recover from the trauma. And most of us do--given the time we need. Of course, much of it depends on our ex-husbands and how responsible they are to us and the children when the marriage is over. Our lives will change drastically in the days, weeks, and months ahead. There will be so many new issues to deal with and so little time to deal with them as you find yourself in the new role of single motherhood. We have new doubts and fears about the effects on our children having a gay father. We have to deal with our families and friends and explain to them why our marriages failed. We have new responsibilities and worries. Many of us have to leave our homes and move. Stay at home moms are now going to have to become working mothers to help support a family. These are changes that happen quickly. In many cases there is no advance warning.
Oh...and what about the legal fees? Suddenly you find yourself spending thousands of dollars to hire a divorce lawyer to navigate your way through divorce and child support. Thousands of dollars that you don't have that is. Or maybe it was the money you were saving for a vacation or retirement. Anyway--now it's gone no matter what you were saving it for.   
What about having to see the man you love for 10, 15, 20 years or more now with the man he loves the way you loved him? You know the day will come, but you are dreading it. You are feeling sick to your  stomach and wanting to vomit. Would you be sick if you saw your husband with a new girlfriend? Well, of course. But the thought of him with a man makes you even sicker. And no--it's not from homophobia--it's from reality.
In the beginning of your new life after your marriage, every man now appears to be gay. Obviously you missed it with your "soulmate," so why shouldn't you think it? Every man is considered suspect. All we see is gay everywhere. We are also living in a society where LGBT is surrounding us as they fight for their rights for equality. It's no different than it's been for  years, but now we are so "gay-sensitized," it is upfront and in our face constantly. Before when we would have been cheering for it, now we are not in the mood to be hearing about it. This is all part of PTGD.
Why? In our minds, GAY took away:
Ø  Our husband
Ø  Our family unit
Ø  Our future
Ø  Our past
Your husband may have found his "authentic" self, but you have lost what you thought was your "authentic marriage."
There is no quick fix to recovery because we don't have the luxury of a time machine that can take us a couple of years into the future. Healing takes time--and my Father's Day Message to men is simply this:
                                                   FIX IT!!!
I personally know some wonderful gay ex-husbands who did the right thing. They took total responsibility for the marriage ending and gave their wives/children the support they needed to make the needed adjustments. Yes--took total responsibility. They didn't look for excuses as to why the marriage "wouldn't have worked anyway" as some gay men like to claim. They didn't knock their wives as being partly responsible for the break-up of the marriage. They understood the marriage was ending because they were gay men who needed to lead a gay life. Not a "lifestyle," but LIFE. Gay is not a style--it is who you are. These men knew they weren't going to be straight husbands when they were gay men. They regretted making the wrong decision by getting married. They regretted hurting their wives and families. AND THEY DIDN'T BLAME ANYONE BUT THEMSELVES for the marriage ending.
These men went on to give their families the emotional and financial support to make sure their lives were disrupted as little as possible--even if they sacrificed what they wanted to do such as new cars or vacations. This is the road to a good after-marriage where a semblance of a family unit can continue. This is the ideal when you have children that you want to grow up in a healthy way.
Gay men tell me that they are afraid their children won't love them when they find out about their homosexuality. Children love fathers who are good to them--and to their mother. Your sexuality is not the main factor--you ability to be there for them after you leave is what really counts.
That is my Father's Day message to the men who read this newsletter. Do the right thing--and FIX IT. Help speed that healing process along for your wives and your family.
MY NEW BOOK
I made an announcement a couple of months ago that I was writing a new book called, "The Gift My Gay Ex-Husband Gave Me--The Truth." I was planning to have it released this summer. This is a book containing written excerpts between my ex-husband and a gay man (along with several other people) who were looking to destroy my name and reputation that I had built up over the past 35 years helping straight wives to find understanding and support when learning about their gay husbands, and help gay men with their coming out process.
My ex-husband, Robert, died in October of this past year of bone cancer. Prior to his illness, I had stopped communicating with him because long after our marriage was over, I was still his daily sounding board. We clung more tightly after the deaths of our two children in 2002 and 2005 maybe because we were all we had left of them. For ten more years I remained his comfort friend--the only one he could be really honest with because I knew his truths and his lies. However, he did something that was beyond my forgiveness, and I broke my ties with him for good in 2014.
Two-and-a-half years later he contacted me asking me to forgive him. He told me he was very ill with cancer and didn't know how much time he had left. He didn't want to die without making his peace with me. Since our two beloved children had left us, I knew that they couldn't be there for him. I decided to do what my conscience dictated, and I helped him through his last 18 months both emotionally and financially.
 Robert was so remorseful because I helped take care of him over his last 18 months after cancer ravaged his body. In his final months, he felt he had to tell me the truth about his actions with a gay man from California who was one of the main instigators running this campaign of terror to try to discredit me and my work. He did plead with me to wait until his death to release the information--which I did agree to do. He was so, so sick in those months that he said he didn't have the strength to have to argue with this man about exposing him to me--and I understood.
Robert explained how he had been cleverly manipulated into joining a well-organized campaign of terror and harassment against me and my associates by this man whose name I won't disclose at this time. This group was very clever playing "selected" sounds bites from my radio show for him or sending him selective words I spoke out of context to get him to believe I was destroying his life so he would join up with them to destroy me. They did this through vile and obscene websites, sickening book reviews attacking me and my work, and harassing emails to me and the guests that appeared on my show. Several months ago when I announced on my radio show that I had the information of who these criminals were and read a few excerpts that I had of their words to Robert, most of those sites quickly were quickly removed. Of course, I was smart enough to copy them to use for future evidence.
Robert shared these emails which stated how this vicious group of people calculated my downfall so I would stop giving "false" advice to people. In one of the earliest emails, this man who sought him out and "befriended" him said:
I and a couple of colleagues have done our best to learn about Bonnie, her “work”, and have sought to do what we can to keep others from being harmed. Again, as you’re likely well aware, Bonnie not only has many years of experience at perpetuating her delusional world as a counselor, but she is not mentally well and does not always operate in the rational world. Thus, we have taken to anonymously pursuing greater understanding and to bring an end to any harm she may be causing.

I have read and studied Bonnie extensively using publicly available information. And though I’m nowhere near the expert that I’m sure you have become regarding her, I have  developed a case profile of her and her life. While I don’t know many of the specifics, or the factual details as you know them, I know of truths and facts about her life well beyond what’s known to the general public. And, the more I learned, the more important it became to take steps to protect my identity and that of my colleagues. As I said, our work continues and I am no less interested in learning more, and in brining any potential harm to an end.

First, let me just say this. Can you imagine how someone has so little to do in his own life that he has time to study me and become an "expert" so he can "bring any potential harm" I am causing "to an end"?  How humbling that I am so important to a gay man who has never been married and has never met me.
Sadly, that is almost all of what I am able to share of my new book with you. You see, I have a volume's worth of wonderful evidence against the men (and women) who spent the past five years trying to silence me by destroying my credibility. Before I shared it with the public, I decided to share it with the California Attorney General's office, the FBI, and another federal agency that works with cyber terrorism. According to them, I have a strong case against my attackers. They have suggested that I not release the book until after all of the evidence is compiled and sorted out. I did agree to wait.
I know the federal wheels turn slowly because of a case I pursued in 2006 - 2009 with the federal government over a predatory book company, Airleaf Publishing, that robbed people of over 3 million dollars. I was able to gather 600 authors to pursue that case which took three years to complete, but the company was put out of business with a government judgment against the owners.
The only other line I am going to share with you at this time from my attacker is a very prophetic one that was in that first (of so many) email. It is also the only line of truth in the hundreds of pages of documents of evidence that I have collected:
He states:
First and foremost, due to her illness, if you put yourself on Bonnie’s radar, in her line of fire.. she will attempt to steam roll over you with full force. And a few lines down he stated, ....."it’s very unlikely Bonnie will go down without a fight."
My "illness" is called truth and fairness. That is all I've ever strived for--to bring light into a world of darkness and confusion not only for straight wives, but for their gay husbands who have struggled their whole lives with homosexuality. And all of you who know me know--I am a fighter. I am a survivor. I am a winner. Like all of you, I had years of training!! Stay tuned for the next chapter!
With love and renewed hope,   
Bonnie


Sunday, April 8, 2018

Bonnie Kaye's Straight Talk April 2018


BONNIE KAYE'S STRAIGHT TALK
April 2018     Volume 19, Issue 200
Bonnie’s Mantra:
LIFE WAS NEVER MEANT TO BE THIS COMPLICATED. PERIOD.
COMPUTER RADIO PODCASTS - www.blogtalkradio/bonnielkaye                                
    Live on Sunday night 8 p.m. EST or any time after the live broadcast!

NEXT HEALING WEEKEND

My next HEALING WEEKEND will be outside Washington D.C. on Saturday, April28 – Sunday, April 29. There is still time to join us. If you would like to be part of this amazing weekend, please email me at Bonkaye@aol.com and put the word “Healing” in the subject box. I will send you the details this month. There is no charge for the weekend outside of travel, lodging, and food. This is a life-changing experience for people who need help during the grieving and recovery process.


THE STRAIGHT WIVES NEW ICON - SILENT NO MORE

This is my new icon for our women. It was designed by my favorite artist, Maureen Tillman, a straight wife herself who understands suffering. It represents how so many of us have been "shut up" as we are/were being "shut down" to protect our husbands' secrets of homosexuality. In this day and age, it keeps making less sense to me that we are standing in the darkened closets abandoned by our husbands who decided to find their "authentic lives"--but not without making us promise to "keep THEIR gay secret OUR secret." As crazy as that seems, it is the case for too many of our women. You might think that in the newest established world-heard "ME TOO" testimonials of women shouting their truths to bring public awareness to their horrific plight of sexual pressuring and exploitation, our chants would also be heard. We would be yelling at the top of our lungs, "We too!!" inspired by "Me too!!"

Nope. That's not what has happened--YET. Every blue moon we get to see an article, a Youtube video, or a blog that quietly mentions STRAIGHT WIVES. In fact, we are so excited to see something that touts our cause because so little ever makes its way to the media unless it is sensationalizing those few couples who have decided that sexuality really isn't an issue in their marriages. Yes, the media loves those stories even though it doesn't represent about 97% of us, misrepresenting our nightmares.
 We're not lining the streets as activists do carrying signs talking about our plight. We're not making demands to be recognized as a group of women who have suffered words that aren't even part of the English language because those words combining our collective abuse have not even been thought of yet. And though I know you're probably tired of me bringing this  up over and over again....well--I'm sorry. I have to. Not for me--but for you.

You see, I am free. I am free because for 35 years I've been "pitching our plight."  Yes, since 1982 when I started my first in-person support group, I've been standing up and speaking out on behalf of straight wives. I took that chance and shouted out the unfairness of our situations on shows such as Oprah, Sally Jesse Raphael, and Phil Donahue before most people even heard about straight/gay marriages. Since then I did my share of documentaries for this country, Canada, and England to expose and educate the public to what we go through in our journeys of pain.

It was easy for me because I was a fighter for years before this battle. Fighting injustice in a meaningful way is what my life was about--even if it wasn't the conventional way. Maybe it's because I'm a Libra that everything in the world needs to be in balance. Maybe if I were born a month earlier or later it would have been different--I'll never know! But I didn't hesitate to ask people to support us in our plight to let gay men know that it is NOT okay to marry a straight woman, and even less okay to keep that secret from her while you're out there doing your gay sex thing.

Back then, the battle was more difficult. We didn't have the internet nor the information that we have today. In the 1980's, people questioned me on how I could accuse such a "macho man" like my ex-husband of being gay. I didn't get mad at them because I questioned that myself. How could he be gay? He's a martial artist who could beat people with his hands. How could he be gay? We did have sex. How do gay men have sex with women? Impossible!! By the nature of the word "gay," it meant men wanting men--not men wanting women. I knew gay men. I had gay friends. I lived in California during the 1960's when gays were prominent and out there instead of hiding. I knew gay. I also was smart enough at the time of my marriage to my gay husband to know that you can't turn a gay man "straight."

I learned that lesson years before. In California in 1968, I met a guy when I was 17 and he was 23. When I found out that he was openly gay, I said to myself, "All he needs is the love of a good woman." Yes, that's how little we knew about homosexuality back then. I fell in "puppy love" with him, and he claimed he "loved" me, but that couldn't stop him from being gay. I was smart enough to say no when he suggested we get married. I knew that love was not enough to make a relationship work with a man who couldn't stop being himself--and he knew it too.

I also had a boyfriend named Andy in high school who came out many years later. It was a short run, but we enjoyed our time together. Gay was not a topic people talked about in the mid 1960's, so I was totally clueless not even knowing anyone who was gay. When Andy sought me out 10 years later, he revealed in our conversation he was gay. I had no idea how that happened to this strapping, good-looking man. I met him in Miami Beach, Florida for a weekend. The first thing I said to him was, "I am so, so sorry that you are gay." He asked me why. I told him that it was such a hard life for someone to live the 1970's. He said he was happy with his life, and please do not to feel "sorry" for him. But I did. I didn't understand how anyone could be happy living a life where they were scorned and ridiculed. But he had no intention of getting married to a woman, and he claimed that as much as he loves women as friends, it's different than loving them as wives.

So yes, I knew gay. Or so I thought I knew it. The equation was simple:

Gay = Same Sex Attractions

Not sex with the opposite sex. It could have never been within my spectrum of knowledge back then that a gay man would even want to have sex with a woman--and certainly not a marriage with her. How little we knew. How difficult to understand. How horrible to find out. How devastating to deal with--on so many levels.

I've been telling the stories in my newsletters for 18 years. Yes, this month marks 18 years of newsletters. 18 years of telling the stories the way they are as far as affecting people living in this confusion. 18 years of spreading the word to thousands here in the U.S., Canada, Mexico, South America, Europe, Australia, China, and Africa.  18 years of "thank you" letters for shedding light in a world that was otherwise dark. 18 years of validation of everything that I speak about from straight wives, gay husbands, parents, other family members, and best friends who were caught in this mire of confusion. None of us expected the gay "wrecking ball" that would one day roll through our path and strike us down like bowling pins in a lane.

This "straight wife phenomena" is not like any situation I've ever encountered in my long life. I've never seen any group of people who have been victims that are so afraid to tell their stories to anyone. I do understand--more than you know. I see the looks that people throw us when we tell them--looks of disbelief or that we are telling lies. They question how we couldn't know after years of marriage. They question how our husbands became gay if they weren't gay when they married us. And when the gay serial marriage criminals marry women again and again, how does that make us look? It makes us look like pathetic liars. So unlike other minorities who are willing to shout out about their horrors, we just get sucked deeper into that closet that our husband finally came out of. He bolted out, but you are still stuck in there--hiding. 

He'll tell you that it is not your secret to tell. You don't have the right to announce he is gay to other people--including YOUR support system. Besides, there were other problems in the  marriage BESIDES gay. "Hardee har har" as Lippy the Lion used to say in his cartoon. Or as I tell people when they tell me jokes that aren't funny--NOT VERY FUNNY. Is your husband for real? There were other problems? Like what? You were suspicious of him while he was out there cheating on you? Like you would cry because he didn't want you near him and found you repulsive? Or maybe you didn't like the way he brought you home some sexually transmitted disease that he'll swear you gave to him and hold you accountable even though you never dreamed of cheating on him.

One thing I will say to you:

Living their lie with them is different than living their lie FOR them.

Once they leave,  you are under no obligation at any point not to tell the people who are part of your support system. You lived HIS LIE with him for 10, 20, 30 or more years. Now it's time for you to start living YOUR TRUTH. You don't have to remain in his closet hiding when he is out living his "authentic" life.

And guess what? If your family and friends want to find fault with you for staying in the marriage as long as you did or leaving it when you did, they are not part of your support system. Avoid them as much as possible because you only need people who can lift you up--not put you down. You don't need your support network dictating to you about how long it's taking you to recover. This will take a long time--no matter what. Years of peeling away your self-esteem, chiseling into your feminine spirit, and questioning your sense of sanity through "gaylighting" will be a one step at a time recovery. Let's not forget how your life will have to be rearranged. 

Join my "WE TOO" movement. If you would like to buy a beautiful tote bag with our new symbol, write to me and I'll send you the link. I carry mine wherever I go. It always is a talking piece--and we need to start talking. We need to let people know about our plight. Let this be your new mantra--WE TOO!!!!

If you like to order a carry bag from Maureen's picture, it is now available. Write to me at Bonkaye@aol.com if you would like the link to buy one. They are big, bold, and beautiful!!!

MAILBAG

The letter below comes from a young woman whose mother is part of my support network. She asked me to share her thoughts with you.

Dear Bonnie Kaye,

You do not know me. I am the daughter of a woman in your private Facebook group of Straight Wives Healing Journey. From the bottom of my heart I want to thank you for the work you do. How you wholeheartedly support these traumatized women much like my mother. If you let me I would like to give a message to these traumatized women.

"Dear beautiful women, I am a daughter of one of the wounded women in this group. My mother regularly speaks of your support. Words fail to express my love for you all. How my heart breaks for you all. I feel so sorry you all had to/are having to experience the pain of denial, betrayal, rejection, abuse, humiliation, rejection of the depth of your love as a woman. I feel so sorry that you have been/are unseen, unreceived, not understood, unloved, unsupported, unempowered and unwanted in the depth of your love as a woman.

Those that humiliate you in your pain are NOT your friends! You all deserve to be surrounded by people that Love and Care for you as you are today no matter what that looks like. Please do not allow the scarcity of loved ones to make you settle for less than you deserve. While I am not like you and obviously everyone of you has their own unique experience and way of coping I feel your pain. It is not my intention to push you. It is my intention to show my Love and Care for you as a group of beautiful wounded healing women. Please forgive me if my words impale to the sentiment of your experience.

As a woman and a daughter of a wounded healing woman like you I felt called to let you know that the problem is not you! It is unfortunately the way that the current society is build. Please be kind and gentle with yourself. Give yourself the peace and space you can to grief in any way that works for you. As women we must lift each other up and not bring each other down. Anyone that brings you down I dare you to be brave and tell them and what it touches in you. I dare you to tell them your longing, how you would like to be treated and I dare you to set your boundary when they cannot treat you with the love and respect you deserve. I will not say I understand what you are going through/have been through.

I feel only those that have actually experienced it can say so and then still it will vary. So to expect one to understand is setting yourself up for disappointment but for sure you MUST expect to Be Loved and Respected as you are, where you are at in your truth of your experience. You owe it to yourself.

Dear beautiful women my heart goes out to you. I wish you all much strength, love, warmth and care on your healing journey.

Much love, Aimée"

Thank you, Aimee, for your heartfelt words.

Next is a letter from a gay husband who asked me to share this with my readers..

Hi Bonnie,

I wrote to you back in November for help because of my torture of living life as a straight husband when in fact I am gay for my whole life. You were kind and understanding to me more so than anyone else that I went to. You didn't judge me at all. Rather, you understood my struggle and felt my pain. You also explained to me why it was so important to be honest to my wife because she was suffering even more than I was not knowing why our marriage wasn't working. I was so scared to hurt her, but you showed me how living this way was hurting her more.

I just wanted to let you know that I came out to my wife a few weeks ago. We talked and cried for six hours that day and more since then.  She said she had suspected this for several years.  We had lots of ups and downs each day, and she felt this might be the problem. She is seeing a therapist in our area for support as we go through our transition.

My wife was very understanding when I told her the truth. She didn't yell and scream like I feared. Of course, she had all the questions you said she would have. I answered her with the truth which I know was painful.

As I told you before, we have three adult children. I plan to tell them next week when they come here for the Easter holiday along with my wife so they can understand that our upcoming divorce has nothing to do with her. I never want them to think for one moment that my wife was at fault in any way. We are both committed to work through this as a family and hopefully stay friends. 

You told me during our early conversations that the best way to maintain a healthy relationship for the sake of our children is to do the right thing as far as being emotionally and financially responsible to my family. I know that may take time but I am committed to whatever it takes to help my wife transition through our separation and divorce.

Thanks for your encouragement and time. I have heard you talk about several gay men who have harassed you publicly by calling you homophobic, but I want people to know that you were the least homophobic person that I ever met. You didn't blame me, accuse me of anything negative, or make me feel worse than I already did. You spent hours of your time encouraging me to do the right thing by telling my wife the truth. You didn't even know me, but when I reached out for help in desperation, I heard from you within hours. I am forever grateful, and if anyone challenges you, your knowledge, or you compassion, know that I will always be there to defend you and tell people the truth about the real Bonnie Kaye. I would appreciate it if you share my words with your newsletter readers to let any of the gay husbands who read your letters know that there is hope for a better life when you do the right thing.

Forever grateful,
George S., MN

Thank you for your kind words, George. Please keep me updated on how things are progressing. Thank you also for doing the "right thing." xoxo




HELP FOR THERAPIST KIM MAZELLA

Kim Mazella is a therapist in Virginia who specializes in straight wives having been one. She is a wonderful advocate for us. Please take a moment to fill out her  anonymous survey below. Just post the link into your browser. Thanks!

Dear Bonnie,
 I have updated my 2016 straight spouse survey, and was wondering if you would be willing once again to share the link with your ladies? I am only looking at women with gay husbands this time (not trans), because I think some of the issues are different. 

This is a confidential, anonymous survey that looks at different aspects of the straight spouse experience. I would love it if you would post the link to get as much data as possible. I will be presenting the results at a meeting of therapists and divorce attorneys on April 27th, then plan to write up the results for publication.


Thanks and take care,

Kim Mazella,
Psychotherapist

NEW SUPPORT GROUP FORMING IN THE ATLANA, GEORGIA AREA

Last week, therapist Dr. Maggie Bonnet, joined me on my Straight Wives Talk Show. Maggie has helped a number of straight wives over the years. She is starting a support group for straight wives in the Atlanta area. If you would like to join her, please email her at this email address: maggiebonnet@petrichorcounseling.com

 

Here's a link to our show so you can listen by pasting it into your browser:

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/bonnielkaye/2018/04/02/bonnie-kayes-straight-wives-talk-show-with-dr-maggie-bonnet

 

The week before, we had such an inspirational therapist, Bill Martin, from Chicago, Illinois, join our broadcast. Enjoy with the link below:

 

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/bonnielkaye/2018/03/19/bonnie-kayes-straight-wives-talk-show-with-therapist-bill-martin
Have a wonderful month!
Love, Bonnie