Tuesday, July 1, 2014

JULY NEWSLETTER STRAIGHT TALK

Bonnie Kaye’s Straight Talk Newsletter
JULY 2014     Volume 15, Issue 154

Bonnie’s Mantras:
LIFE WAS NEVER MEANT TO BE THIS COMPLICATED. PERIOD.
YOU CAN'T FIX A BROKEN MAN--BUT HE CAN BREAK YOU!

Help support Bonnie’s mission to help women and men in pain. Purchase her books from her website at www.Bonniekayebooks.com

NEXT HEALING WEEKEND: CALIFORNIA HERE WE COME!!
My next healing weekend will be in Los Angeles, California. It will take place on September 20/21. If you are interested in receiving details, please write to me at Bonkaye@aol.com and write "California Info" in the subject box. Our healing weekends are a place where women can meet, share, bond--and never even say a word--but you'll want to! We will also have some wonderful guest speakers to inspire you in your future paths of recovery!

Please like my new FB page at Bonnie Kaye, Author. Thanks!


THE JUNE ISSUE
Many of you wrote to me waiting for the June newsletter which never came. One reason is because I decided to change the date of the newsletters from mid-month to the first of the month due to my time constraints. The second reason was because I decided to change the direction of the June newsletter. For the past few years, I have been sharing stories from gay men who are part of this network meaning they have come to me for help or support in coming out to their wives. Their stories have been so helpful to us in helping us come to terms with our own marriages and realizing that these men tried their best not to be gay, but they ultimately couldn't help who they are. They didn't marry us to make us miserable but rather to validate their own lives and hopes that loving us enough would take away those male attractions. In the end, it is what it is. A mess.

I've decided this year that I've published enough stories over the past four years of men's stories on why they took the marriage road with us. They are wonderful for new men who come to me for understanding, and I send them out to women who question why their husbands "chose" homosexuality over their families. As you come to understand homosexuality, you will realize this is not just about sex--it's about who a person is. Homosexuality is not just a sexual act--it's the entire make up of a person--and it is different than straight. Once you accept that, you'll be able to understand my philosophy that "gay men don't think straight." They are gay. I don't think gay. I'm straight. That doesn't mean better--it just means different. The men who sit home and torture you can't be honest to you because they won't be honest with themselves. I don't care how they touch you, feel you, tell you how they love you, or have sex with you. If they want a penis--that is the dividing line for me. Gay. Yes, to me it is black and white. Confusing to some of you--but definitely clear to me. Penis. Gay. Period.

I listened to over 2,000 men in the past 30 years. I do understand their struggle and their battle. I support any man who wants to do the right thing--which is come out to you and tell you the truth. Of course, this is a battle sometimes because some men don't believe that telling the truth is the "best thing to do."

I am now asking those of you who would like to volunteer to help me convince these men that telling the truth to your wife is the least they can do. When I send men letters, I always explain the importance of:
1. Honesty
2. Responsibility
3. Doing this the right way

Some men listen to what I have to say. But I think that some prefer not to believe me and think I'll approve of them keeping the "secret" from you. I won't. Period. I am going to now share two different letters I recently received that are typical of letters I received from gay men throughout the year. I need your input in what you would like these men to know as far as being a straight wife. This won't be easy for you because you need to put "personal feelings" meaning anger and cursing on the side and instead answer with "emotional impact" statements that might get the point across.

I want to be able to share with men who write to me your deep feelings of hurt and devastation in a way that they will "get it." Believe it or not, sometimes it does matter. For example, one man who was dating a gay married man recently wrote to me that:
I have just spent all morning reading your articles and going over your Website  - you are truly remarkable for your courage and conviction.

I was being so selfish - enjoying the passion and excitement of having this affair and not considering 'the wife'. I justified it for a while - thinking 'she must know, and perhaps she gets enough out of the marriage (children, money, lifestyle, etc) that she is accepting. But now after reading your material, I feel like a fool. She must be harboring such confusion, and perhaps even deep sadness. 

I like getting letters from what I call "Other Men" because it is easier most of the time to work with them to realize how much hurt they are causing an unsuspecting wife. By the time the other man writes to me (a few dozen every year), your gay husband is usually cheating on him as well.  
I will reprint two letters that I received during 2014 anonymously with you from two of the husbands who asked me for help:


LETTER #1

From this past February:

Dear Bonnie,
I have been married for 24 years to a wonderful woman. When I married her, I believed we would live together and die together because I loved her so much. Yes, I did have attractions to certain males but I believed that was normal for teenage guys. One time an uncle molested me at the age of 14 and told me it's normal for all men to experiment--that way they would know what kind of sex they really wanted when they were older.

I didn't like him touching me, and thankfully, he didn't do anything painful to me like intercourse. I felt so guilty after that, but he was my uncle who loved me and he was also my mother's brother.
I tried to put that occasion (one time only) out of my mind because I was too afraid to tell anyone. When I was 17 or 18, I would see other guys in the locker room in school and sometimes think about how it would feel if they had touched me instead. I then pushed those thoughts away knowing they were wrong. I wasn't "that kind of a guy."

When I met my wife in 1989, I immediately was attracted to her. She was beautiful with long brown hair and green eyes. We both had two of the same college classes, so we were spending a lot of time together. We found we had so much in common and our personalities really blended well. I had gone out with other girls and dated in high school, but it was casual dating and nothing serious.

My wife and I became inseparable, and within the year, we took our vows as husband and wife. Our first decade together was wonderful. We were in our early 20's when we got married, and sex was good. We didn't have a lot of it sometimes because we started a family within two years. Sometimes we were just too beat to get around to it. I started working extra hours to support the family and was tired a lot at the end of the day. Sex wasn't the first thing on my mind.  I guess it wasn't that much on my wife's mind either although she did bring it up from time to time.

By the end of 10 years, there were three beautiful children in our lives. I felt so content having a beautiful wife, three beautiful children, a good job, and a nice house. I was living the American dream. And yet--this dream seem to leave me feeling unhappy. I couldn't figure it out, so I started taking a few drinks to "lift" my spirits. My drinking started to cause some arguments in the marriage, so one night, I told my wife that if I can't have a few drinks at home, I'll go to a bar and slammed out the door.

Don't ask me why or how I ended up at a gay bar. It was the first bar that I saw. I had seen it hundreds of times through the years but never dreamed of going into it. That night was different. I just needed a drink and I wanted it quickly. I walked in there feeling nervous and not knowing what to expect. I justified it to myself that a drink was a drink--it didn't matter where you had it.

That night was the beginning of me realizing why I had been drinking all of those years. It was to numb the pain I had for still having those gay attractions. Once I realized this was numbing my pain--guess what? I kept doing it. I didn't go back to the gay bar for another ten years, but I became a heavy drinker. I couldn't let "gay" get in the way of having my beautiful wife and children.

It did cause tension for sure. My wife and I stopped having sex. She believed it was because of the alcohol. I believed it was because I couldn't keep doing something that wasn't natural to me anymore. As the years passed, thinking about making love to her just became harder and harder. And so we stopped talking about it after a while. I knew she was unhappy about it, but I was unhappy too. I had to give up my happiness to remain a good husband, so if she wanted to keep me there, it came with a price.

I don't remember exactly how it happened, but we started growing apart. Our kids were now teenagers, so she was wrapped up in a lot of their activities. I understood because I did work a lot, and I appreciated the fact that she was there for them when I couldn't be. It seemed our communication was just whatever was necessary, and a peck on the cheek was our customary way to say "I love you." And I meant it--I did love her. She was a wonderful wife and mother. Was I in love with her? No. But I loved her , and I hoped that would be enough.

But it wasn't. One night two years ago, I revisited the gay bar. I just felt I wanted to see it one more time--even though I truly believed I WAS NOT GAY. I sat next to a guy and started drinking. After four drinks, he asked me if I wanted to sit and listen to music with him in his car. I said yes. That was the beginning of my new "gay" life. At first I justified it as just some touching like I did as a teenager. However, within a few months, I couldn't deny what it was anymore. As much as I didn't want to be gay, I couldn't stay away from it. It obsessed me.

I had a dozen or so sexual experiences before I met the man of my dreams. He is everything I could possibly hope for--except he can't accept the fact that I am married. I realize that my marriage is over. Meeting someone who consumes all of my thoughts has shown me that. I am planning to tell my wife in the next week or two, but I'm not sure how to tell her.

I know that my feelings are NOT her fault. She has been a wonderful wife. However, even if I didn't meet my boyfriend, my marriage was growing apart more and more. Is it really necessary for me to tell her that I'm gay? I don't see how it could serve any greater purpose other than to hurt her and the children. She would probably blame herself, and I don't want the children to feel any kind of stigma because of this. Why can't I just tell her that it's time we move on now that the kids are almost raised and we are both not feeling "into it"?

I know my drinking was a big factor in the decline of my marriage, but I never even acted on the gay until a couple of years ago and the marriage was already practically over. Please give me your feedback. I want to do the right thing.

LETTER #2 - This past March

Dear Bonnie,
I am struggling with when to tell my wife, and most of the once married/straight, and now gay guys that I have talked to recommend not bringing up being gay as far as the reason for wanting the divorce.  I think the fear is that it will be more financially costly and the wife will be vindictive (and we don't have the money to hire attorneys). I have heard of instances of this on my "journey."

The fact that she will be angry and unsympathetic is what worries me most. I want to minimize the impact on the family and if my announcing I am gay, while asking for a divorce will be more painful for all involved (her, my sons, her parents) then I would tend to just address the divorce issue first and deal with everything else later. Her parents know that we have had marital issues over the years and even they get frequently frustrated dealing with her.  If she were to tell me she were a lesbian and wanted a divorce, I would understand that as more of a rationale than that I've been a "bad" husband.  It doesn't sound like you think that works with 90% of women. 
I would also be comfortable telling my sons at any time now, but when we spoke on the phone, you said I should tell my wife first. I don't think they will "fly off the handle" as she will.

So, the real question in my mind is... do I tell her I am gay and then address the divorce issue or get the divorce and then let her know why?  I know this is ultimately my decision, but... based on your experience with women, how is it best received and "handled" by everyone involved?  

I have many years left to be happy and I am very unhappy now, partly because my relationship with my wife is not fun and positive (largely because of her personality and issues), and partly because I want to be with guys more and I am getting increasingly frustrated with the way she treats me and her issues that she will not address or get help for (OCD, neediness, lack of self esteem, and lack of close friends). 

So, I have contemplated admitting I am gay, in hopes that she will be more understanding of the reason for a divorce.  However, my fear is that she will be more angry and vindictive, about "how I could do that to her!" versus understanding my situation. Most married guys I have spoken to recommend not making that part of the divorce, as for most it has been more painful or because it is not grounds for divorce where I live, and therefore will not help the situation, but further complicate it and give her more to be angry and vengeful about. 

I would tell my sons (as you recommend) as soon as a divorce is final (and I could tell her too) that I am gay.  What do you think about all of this? Do I really have to tell her if I was planning to divorce her anyway?

So ladies.....here's where I need your help. If you could send me some comments on what you would like men to know when they write me letters like this, I will compile them and have them ready to go. Sometimes, I think hearing the voices of others besides mine really helps men who have a conscience. I will share it with our group in an upcoming newsletter as well. You can sign it however you want--with a first name, an initial, or a middle name. You can even make up a name! But guys need to hear us and take responsibility for what they do to us.

CHRISTIAN MINGLE

When Christian Mingle, the online dating service, started advertising on television a few years back, it seemed like a dream come true for many Christian women. After all, no respectable Christian woman likes to get clawed on her first date. This was a dating site where good women with Christian values could meet good men with Christian values--in other words--HANDS OFF. Women with deep religious commitments felt this was an answer to their prayers for meeting a guy who would love them for themselves and not for sex. I have no doubt that there have been successful matches through this dating service--but there are also some dangerous liaisons.
In my first book "The Gay Husband Checklist for Women Who Wonder," I have a chapter on the prototype of woman a gay man looks for when he decides to try the marriage route. I give a list of characteristics and traits that gay men look for either consciously or subconsciously or unconsciously. One of them is women with religious backgrounds. They are prime targets because they are NOT looking for sex or sexual contact prior to marriage based on their religious beliefs.  

Remember--Christian gay men in denial don't want to be gay. Homosexuality goes against everything they are taught and raised to believe in church and at home in their Christian families. They have heard the repeated message that gay people are hell-bound, and there is no one who can save them. Even in some of the modernized churches where they acknowledge that maybe people are born gay, they still say that if that is so, gay people are still obligated not to act on their homosexuality in sexual ways. In other words, plan on a lifetime of celibacy. No fooling around. Ever. Whatever.

For gay men who want to try to live the straight life, Christian Mingle is a wonderful tool. First of all, if you are not aggressive with the woman you are dating--that's good. You want her for her mind and not her body. You care about her on an emotional and intellectual level--good Christians aren't thinking about sex. Whewwwwww.....that takes a lot of the pressure off the gay man. It gives him more time to think about the wedding night....like how he is going to pull that off. Well, never worry today about something that can be put off until tomorrow, right?

Even if the majority of men who go on Christian mingle have good intentions, I know for a fact that all of them do not. One of my dear friends in our Straight Wives Club was married to a man who will never admit to being gay. The fact that he has HIV from having sex with men still does not make him admit to it--publically of course. The fact that he has advertised and met some unsuspecting woman on Christian Mingle is a horrific thing. In fact, it doesn't get much lower than that.

On a regular dating service such as Match.com or EHarmony.com, you have the opportunity to meet men. You know that some might be good--some might be bad--all of them may be a little misleading. You go into the online dating service recognizing there are game players who are users and losers as hopefully some winners.

But on Christian Mingle--well--that is somewhat "Holy" for lack of a better word. It's not like Farmersonly.com where you are looking for someone who can appreciate a cow or goat the way "that only farmers do." You are looking for someone on a site that has the name "Christian" in it--meaning Godly. Why would you think there would be game players on a line promoted via God's name? And yet, you can see how easy it is to be blindsided by "men in hiding."

The bottom line is who can you trust? You can only trust your own gut instinct. If a man is willing not to touch you until after marriage, that is a dangerous red flag for you as a woman. You are leaving a marriage where a man didn't want you as a woman. You don't want to put yourself back in the same position.

I am not saying you have to go against your religious beliefs, but you surely can do things short of "everything."  Any straight man who wants to marry you should want you sexually in the worst way. You can tell from his affection, kissing, and touching that will get you to the point of saying "STOP!!!" But if he stops before he gets you to say "STOP," chances are he is on this line for something you don't want to have to know about--and my best advice to you is RUN!!! As fast as you can, RUN!!!! 

Starting over can be a beautiful adventure--but like all adventures, it has its highs and lows. You just don't want to put yourself back in emotional harm's way. Making better choices is life is all about.

BLOG - JILL

One of our far away straight sisters, Jill, has a beautiful blog that I follow. The blog is called "Unspeakable Scars." Her writing in each entry is so eloquent. To give you and example, here is her June passage that I would like to share it with you:

FEELINGS

“I remember awakening one morning and finding everything smeared with the color of forgotten love” – Charles Bukowski

This just about sums up how I felt in that moment when I realized I wasn’t in love anymore.
Something I’ve learned about myself is that when I love I love deeply, too much perhaps, but how do you control love? You can’t help how you feel, there’s no turning down the volume, it is what it is, you either feel it or you don’t. I used to ask myself why am I giving this person everything and I’m not getting anything in return and I would excuse him for it with the notion that he just shows his love in a different way than I do. I started to think that I was too loving, too romantic, too idealistic, too hungry for love and passion. At the end of it all I actually felt quite silly for ever believing that those things really existed, those feelings and desires, and I was stripped bare.

At night when we’d go to bed I would lie awake staring at his back as he lay on the edge of the bed, this vast space between us. I’d cry silently, not wanting to make an already awkward situation even worse. That was one of the worst feelings I’ve ever felt. I wondered what was so terrible about me that he would rather cling to the edge of the bed than lie next to me, his wife. Eventually even that was too much for him to bear and he just stopped coming to bed altogether. Didn’t feel good.

The Bukowski line describes how I felt. After such a long period of time when all I felt was grief and despair there was a moment, a morning. I woke up and was lying in bed gazing out the window and it was the most beautiful morning, full of clarity, when the sky is that shade of blue you only see in the Spring and the sun was shining but it looked cold. The light was melancholy and matter-of-fact. I looked around me and I knew it was over. Everything felt foreign, the sheets on the bed, the paint on the walls, the books on the shelf. It was as if everything was stained. Those feelings of love and hope and desire were long gone. Instead there was just this awful, suffocating sadness.

Months later during my recovery I was sitting outside by myself and I had this incredibly strong feeling. It was a hot day and I was enjoying the feeling of the sun on my skin and I was thinking about everything that had happened and I was crying sort of half happy half sad and I suddenly had this very strong feeling wash over me. I felt alive. I felt like the day had just hugged me. It was the most intense and beautiful and life affirming feeling I’ve ever experienced and I have no idea where it came from.

I’ve had my feelings hurt, I’ve hurt other peoples feelings. I know how it feels to show love and I know what it is to feel loved. I’ve felt angry (still do) and sad and hopeless, and I’ve felt strong too. Feelings leave scars on who you are, whether they be good or bad.
Intuition is a feeling. One thing this experience has taught me is to trust it.

You can also Jill's eloquent past and future words here:
http://unspeakablescars.wordpress.com/

Also, if you go to my "Links" page at the menu of  www.gayhusbands.com, you can access two other phenomenal blogs by my friends Maureen and Grace.


JULY RADIO SHOWS

Every Sunday night a 10 p.m. EST, 9 p.m. CT, 8 p.m. MT, and 7 p.m. PT, you can catch my show live on www.Blogtalkradio.com. You can also listen to all of the previous broadcasts anytime you like. Go to: www.Blogtalkradio.com

In the search box, type in Straight Wives Talk Show.

Coming this month:

Sunday, July 6 - The inspirational Suzette Hinton - Life Coach who teaches us the importance of loving ourselves first.

Sunday, July 13 - Therapist Alexa Servodidio - Teaching us healing techniques when going through the toughest of times.

Sunday, July 20 - Dr. Karin Huffer - author of Overcoming the Devastation of the Legal   Abuse System and court advocate for women where abuse is involved including issues such as child custody and child support.

Sunday, July 27 - our own personal doctor in the house--Dr. Brian Hooper! Dr. Hooper is always validating our pain so we can move ahead instead of being held back.

All of my wonderful guests are there to help you move to a happier stage in your life. Listen whenever you can--the shows are there for you!

Have a wonderful month--and please send me your thoughts that I can share with the men who come to me.

With love and hope,

Bonnie

Friday, May 16, 2014

BONNIE KAYE'S STRAIGHT TALK MAY NEWSLETTER 2014

Bonnie Kaye’s Straight Talk Newsletter
MAY 2014     Volume 15, Issue 153

Bonnie’s Mantras:
LIFE WAS NEVER MEANT TO BE THIS COMPLICATED. PERIOD.
YOU CAN'T FIX A BROKEN MAN--BUT HE CAN BREAK YOU!
Help support Bonnie’s mission to help women and men in pain. Purchase her books from her website at www.Bonniekayebooks.com

NEXT HEALING WEEKEND: CALIFORNIA HERE WE COME!!
My next healing weekend will be in Los Angeles, California. It will take place on September 20/21. If you are interested in receiving details, please write to me at Bonkaye@aol.com and write "California Info" in the subject box. Our healing weekends are a place where women can meet, share, bond--and never even say a word--but you'll want to! We will also have some wonderful guest speakers to inspire you in your future paths of recovery!

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY TO ALL OF MY WONDERFUL MOTHER MEMBERS!!
First, allow me to wish all of the wonderful mothers who are part of my network a slightly belated Happy Mother's Day. For millions of us, Mother's Day has become synonymous with Happy Single Mother's Day. Ouch. That wasn't what we had in mind when we conceived our beautiful children out of love. We didn't plan to bring the up alone. We got married to raise our children in a loving, nurturing home surrounded by two parents--not one full time mother and a part-time dad.

For many of us, our lives were thrown into turmoil when the word "homosexuality" took front and center stage. After we caught our breath that was diminishing rapidly by the moment as we hyperventilated into a brown paper bag, all of the fears started racing through our brain--led by the most upfront one--THE CHILDREN. How am I going to raise THE CHILDREN?
Most of us didn't believe we were equipped to raise a family on our own. In fact--to be honest--that is why a number of you hung in your marriage walking over those eggshells and being twisted inside out in a topsy-turvey world of CRAZINESS. You thought to yourself--or shall I say you justified--even a bad home with two parents is better than a good home with one parent. Or--just because he can't be a good husband doesn't mean he can't be a good father. Or--just because he can't be a good father doesn't mean he can't help our family financially. Or--oh, never mind. I have learned that the river called "Justification" is bigger and deeper than the river "Denial." 

Some of the time you didn't have a choice. He wanted out. He wanted to live his life as he saw fit meaning--as a gay man. Ouch again.  But let's be for real. How long can you expect him to lead a life that isn't his to live? He tried it--but he didn't like it. And trust me it's not just about sex in many cases--it's about finding your place in the world where you belong. A gay man doesn't belong in a straight marriage. Hasn't he expressed that to you in so many ways over the years without coming out and saying it directly? Hasn't he complained about how unhappy he is--unhappy because YOU can't make him happy. You see, all you want is sex all of the time. You are trying to CONSUME him because you want to do things that you see other couples do. Haven't you learned by now that you're not attractive enough, thin enough, busty enough, curvy enough, smell good enough, smart enough, clean the floor until your face shines in it enough, or just enough in general to make your gay husband happy? Maybe you just haven't tried hard enough--period. You see, you haven't offered to have that sex-change operation--and that might be enough! Short of that, ditch the idea that this marriage can work. It can't. Well, it can't if you want a traditional marriage. If you are willing to settle for a husband who doesn't want you physically--meaning SEXUALLY--emotionally, or one who is out there like a dog sniffing the male scenery and doing his thing in the bushes--then stay married. But pleasssssssssssssse....whatever you do, don't tell me that your gay husband has never done anything before and he swears he won't "try it." Save that story for someone who hasn't been there and lived it.

"Single Motherhood" is a horrible thought. I remember when I became one many years ago. I had two babies--a daughter two-and-a-half and a son 3 months old. I had a GED back then and nothing more except some typing skills. I had a son born with a rare genetic illness that would eventually take his life 23 years later. I was scared to death. The day came when my ex got angry enough to walk out on me because he was so angry that I went into his wallet sitting on the kitchen table and read a letter sticking out of it written by a guy who was in love with him. "How dare you read my private letters?" he shouted at me. He should only know I searched his pockets and wallet for years looking for proof of his infidelity to me. Ironically, in the beginning I was searching for women's names because he was a "chick magnet." Women loved him. He was so charming, handsome, and funny. Women used to tell me how "lucky" I was to have him for my husband. I'll never forget several years after my divorce when a co-worker came up to me and said, "You're WERE so lucky to be married to him. How did you ever let him go?" When I replied, "He's gay!," she said to me in all sincerity, "Well, I wouldn't let something like that break us up." Uggggghhhh.

Sorry for digressing from the point I was trying to make! My ex walked out trying to "teach me a lesson" that if I tried to stop him from what he wanted to do, I would be the one to suffer. He truly believed that if he left me to fail, I would. He knew that when he left me with no car (he took it), no telephone (he built up the bill high enough to have it disconnected in the days before cell phones), the rent a month behind (didn't pay it), and $50.00 on the table (enough to buy food and diapers for the week back then), and yes--two babies (he left them)--I would fall under and beg him to come back. He packed his bags and gave no indication he would be coming back. I was numb more than I was scared. When I watched him drive away in the car with my two babies crying, I was in shock.

But guess what? After "reorganizing" my life in the first few days, I felt a sense of peace of mind that I had forgotten existed through my tumultuous marriage. The three hours of sleep I had each night were worth the it knowing I would be the one sleeping soundly because I wasn't crying myself to sleep wondering why I'd have to wake up to be a spineless victim the next day. The invisible emotional black and blue scars inside my body grew daily throughout my marriage with each new day's verbal abuse and rage from my ex. My confidence started to return by day three. My anger set in by day four. My strength emerged by day six. And by day eight, when my ex-husband knocked at the door with his suitcase in hand telling me that, "I hope you have learned your lesson," I was able to tell him to turn around and return to his mother's house in New York where he went the week before to "teach me a lesson." You see, he took a calculated risk that I would fail and be willing to do anything to have him back--including accepting his horrible behavior. He was wrong. Even in that one week, I was able to find myself and say, "Never again!"

There was nothing easy over the next few years of being a welfare mother while I snuck to school so that someday I could support my children in the way I wanted to. Back then, welfare mothers weren't allowed to go to school. The philosophy used to be, "If you can go to school, you can work." So yes--I had to sneak. I did whatever I had to do to juggle, juggle, juggle everything until I graduated and started to immediately work. Then I continued in school until I received my Master's Degree. I wasn't financially stable in those early years. I was lucky to be working--but I had learned to live on less. Money can't buy you happiness was a lesson I had learned. When my children were little, their clothes came from the thrift stores where I was so happy to find nice clothes for fifty cents or a dollar. After I started working and they were in elementary school, I was happy to afford the K-mart clothes which was the next step up. Once I moved up at my job, I could provide more and better for them financially.

It was no easy ride for sure, but I will say this. "Single Motherhood" gave me the opportunities my marriage never would. I would never have had the strength to sit in a classroom and concentrate on anything when I was married. When I wanted to go to school my ex said, "NO. You have other responsibilities." It just would not have happened because I was in a beat-down mental state of submission. Lesson learned--you can have the opportunity to MAXIMIZE yourself after your marriage is over. You can find the real you again--and change into the "new" new you never knew you were. If you weren't strong before, you can have a chance to build yourself in a new direction. It takes time and a lot of work, but it is so, so worth it. You can learn to smile again and really mean it. You will give yourself the greatest gift that single motherhood offers--the opportunity to recreate yourself.

That being said, I would like to share a link to my radio show from Mother's Day with my wonderful new member of our support network, Alexa Servodidido.
http://www.blogtalkradio.com/bonnielkaye/2014/05/12/straight-wives-talk-show
Alexa, a licensed clinical social worker/therapist, is awesome. She appeared on my show before in March, and I have asked her to return as a regular guest in the future. Alexa specializes in healing--healing from all kinds of trauma including a destructive marriage and post traumatic stress. In this broadcast, we discuss how to choose a therapist that will work for you because many people have no clue.

Alexa has her own show "Insight Into Healing" that can be heard on your computer. You can go to her Facebook page at Insight Into Healing to learn more about it directly or through the link on my website at www.gayhusbands.com. On the right side of the page under my links to wonderful professionals, you'll find her information.
You can write to her directly at: insightintohealing@gmail.com if you would like to set up phone counseling or in-person counseling sessions.

One great point here is that you don't live in New York where Alexa's practice is. She can do phone counseling with you, and she takes blue cross/blue shield as well as Medicare. What a gift for those of you who have this insurance! Of course she can arrange private payments if you don't have insurance as well. If you need therapy to help move you past your current state which will help you heal, contact Alexa. She is truly awesome and passionate about helping women heal!

NEW VIDEO MADE BY KEN RINEHART FOR THE STRAIGHT SPOUSE NETWORK

On Sunday night May 18, my radio show guest will be Ken Rinehart from the Straight Spouse Network. Ken, who is a film maker, has produced a video that is excellent representing what both men and women go through when a spouse comes out.
You can see the video at this link:

http://vimeo.com/89183091 (paste it into your browser)

The radio show this Sunday can be heard at this link live at 10 p.m. EST or any time after the airing at this link:
http://www.blogtalkradio.com/bonnielkaye/2014/05/19/straight-wives-talk-show

Ken was married to a woman who came out, so it will be interesting to hear a man's perspective of the emotional impact it has on men.

JEANINE FINELLI--OUR OWN SUPERSTAR!!

I love Jeanine Finelli--our own health fitness superstar. Jeanine is a straight wife who has survived a painful marriage to a gay man through specializing in good physical health to help her mental health from enduring emotional abuse for years.

Jeanine has now made a career out of health coaching, and she generously gives her time to other straight wives to help them maximize themselves through good health. What I love most about Jeanine is that her lectures never "lecture you" on what you SHOULD DO--rather she suggests ways to feel better. For me, being "oversized" at best--this is a wonderful thing. With Jeanine, I never feel intimidated, but rather I always feel better after talking to her. She always makes me feel so much better just by listening to her own perspective.

This month, our rising star was featured on a commercial for Oprah Winfrey. You can see her on the Dove commercial as the first speaker talking about her favorite body part--her hands!  Here is the link to the ad:

http://www.omagonline.com/body/

Congratulations, Jeanine. All I can tell everyone is that Jeanine has a book that she is completing this summer. I have previewed it, and trust me, it has blown me away. I'll let you know when it can become part of your own personal collection!You can see Jeanine's website at: www.JeanineFinelli.com

MAILBAG - Letters from our extraordinary women who are willing to share!
Bonnie,

I have bought a few of your books and have listened to quite a few of your radio programs.  First, I want to say, Thank you for doing what you do. 

Two days ago I went through mediation with my wasband (No, that is not a typo).  I feel I have been raped for the last time by him.  We were married for 24 years and together for 26.  The divorce took 2 yrs and 8 months.  Although I have complained about the process taking so long it has really been a time of healing for me.  If I knew at the time that I filed for divorce what I know now I would still be in the fetal position.

I have to say that I grew up in an abusive home.  After years of therapy I realize that one of the lessons that I learned was that I could love my abuser.  I loved my dad and I know he loved his children but he was the type of person that could not handle any disruption.  Well, we all know that kids disrupt everything.  Now i know know what a toxic lesson I had learned at an early age that would be repeated in my marriage.

The physical abuse I suffered as a child was nothing compared to the relentless emotional abuse I suffered in my marriage. I can't even begin to explain the marriage in an email.  He was so cold and with holding of any affection.  So demanding of my time and that I live up to his unrealistic expectations.  He was physically abusive on one occasion because I expressed a contrary opinion.  The relentless criticism, nagging, badgering and daily negating of me was unbearable.  In my 40's I developed a debilitating stutter when talking to my wasband. I was constantly walking on eggshell.  Trying to please him and circumvent  all obstacles to make his life easier.  In some ways I felt totally responsible for his wellbeing.

My two wonderful children who were 18 and 16 at the time called a family meeting between the three of us one day.   It was not planned but they could see my anxiety increasing again as it came closer to the time that my wasband would come home from work.  (I usually was making mad dashes around the house to make sure everything was in order and that I had completed everything on my list that he had given me to do each morning.)  They told me how much they loved me  and that I deserved to be treated better.  They said that they felt that I was "going away".  This was my daughter's way of expressing that I was just becoming a shell of my former self.   They wanted me to get divorced.  They said they knew it would make their lives harder but they said they would be going to college soon and they didn't want me to be stuck with him.  The tears just poured down my face.  I told them I heard what they said but it was my decision to make and I would let them know what I had decided.     What a gift of love.      It is the nicest and most wonderful thing anyone has ever done for me.  They set me free.

Immediately I started making plans for divorce.  I felt like I was on a sinking ship and my babies opened a port hole for us to climb out and swim to safety.

If you met my husband you would be so impressed.  He is handsome, tall, sooo charming and witty, smart than anyone in the room.  I still love his mind.  He can talk on many subjects.  He is an amazing physician.  But when he came home we would see the "other" person.  Constantly cruel and critical of the children and me.  We never measured up.  There was nothing too small to argue about.  If we were talking he would just interrupt  us continually so we could get back to talking about him and his demands.  The list of down right cruel things he did to us are too numerous to write about.

About a year and a half into the divorce my wasband's sister told me to get a book  called Emotional Blackmail so I could have a better understanding of what I was living for years. (I am still close with my all my sister-in-laws).  When I went on Amazon to order the book, a lot of books about narcissism popped up.  So I bought three of them too.  Light bulb moment!  I knew he was narcissistic but these books were amazing in giving me insight into the totality of his narcissism!  I had no idea how it was so pervasive in our marriage  when I was living with him.  I even surprised my councilor by figuring this all out on my own.  She has never met him and apparently it is a hard diagnosis to make since they are such expert liars.

LIARS, now that's the key word.  Last summer my daughter went with me to our second home to collect my belongings.  It was a grieving time for me.  She was so patient and kind, leaving me to grieve on my own.  After I pulled myself together she asked me if I wanted to look for his porn?!   I HAD NO IDEA he ever watched porn!  He was too elitist to go to the movies!  Apparently our son found porn in my wasbands car when he was around 5 and he had been watching it throughout the whole marriage!  My daughter said the one she saw was a "threesome, two guys and a girl".  Hmmmmm, two guys.  I had thought my husband was asexual!   I had been practically doing backhand-springs trying to get him to pay attention to me and have sex. He NEVER commented on my body or looked at it. His desire for sex diminished as the marriage progressed.   We very often only had sex  "doggie style" for lack of a better term.  On a rare occasion we had it front facing at the end of the marriage and he put a pillow over his face to block me out!  I knew he would often master-bate after I got out of bed in the morning to make his coffee, take the dogs outside and make sure the kids were up.  If I asked him to give me a kiss or hug he would say, "When you say that, it doesn't make me feel closer to you."  Years ago he stopped holding my hand or putting his arm around me.  He said it bothered his neck.  When I would try to kiss him he would give me his cheek.

Five months after finding out about the porn  I got two phone calls from old friends of my wasbands that were in our wedding.  He has NEVER  maintained a friendship his whole life. These men called me because they didn't have his number anymore but they still had mine. He must have messaged them on FB about our separation.  Our best man at our wedding was gay.  At the time I thought, "Ok that happens some times."  Apparently three of the four groomsmen that were in our wedding are gay!  I can't get on the fourth's FB page so he may be gay too.

Finally the missing piece to the puzzle!  I couldn't understand why my wasband was so nice to outsiders and so cruel to the kids and me.  I would have thought that a narcissist would enjoy sex.  Here was my answer!  He is a total narcissist and he HATES himself for being gay!  He projected his self hatred on to the three of us all those years.  We were a constant reminder of what he could not be.  If I had lied to myself all those years thinking he was straight I had also lied to myself that he had not cheated on me.  I had myself tested for all testable STD's and I tested negative.  Thank God.

I know he loved me when he married me.  He must have thought I was his savior from all the frightening  homosexual feelings he was having.  But when he realized he could not change and could not love us like he should have he should have set us free.   It was his CHOICE to be cruel to us.  Yes, he cheated me out of money in the divorce.  But more importantly he stole the last 18 years of my life.

He will never come out of the closet, even to himself.  He has a new girlfriend.  I introduced myself to her at church.  (That's another great story!)   He has found another cover.  Another caretaker who is willing to compromise herself, believe his poor pitiful me stories and sneak around with him. 

My wasbands legacy?  My son asks me, "Do you think dad loves P____ and me?"  "Do you think he enjoys spending time with us?"  I talk with both children about his  narcissism and how it affects us.  I have told my daughter about his homosexuality and met with her councilor at college to discuss the ramifications of everything that she struggles with in relationships at the present time.  My daughter is a mature 21 year old.  My son is an immature 19 year old so we have decided to let him mature a few more years before we tell him the whole truth.  One step at a time.

My life is so different than what I thought it would be.  The kids and I are victims of homophobia even though we are straight.  I would like to be part of a couple someday and have heterosexual sex.  I am making decisions as a single person that are scary but also wonderful.  Now a mistake is just a mistake.  I still make them but I don't have to beat myself up in anticipation of his criticism for days, week even years. 

I am working on me and the children for now.  We are happier and have a new definition for family.  My life is so much fuller without him.  I smile and laugh all the time.  I am painting again, volunteering and teaching swim lessons to 3, 4 and 5 yr olds.  I don't know what the future will bring but everything looks brighter from here.

I would like to get your news letter and am thinking of attending your conference in LA in September.

Thanks again for being you Bonnie.

Peace, C.
Bonnie-

Thank you so much for taking the time to put into words what I have felt so guilty about for over a year now.  My (now) ex-husband now has a boyfriend and is in the process of coming out.  The whole time we were getting divorced, he begged me to keep things as they were, threatened suicide, lied, and gave me hell.  I kept my word to him and out of respect for what he was going through only told a few close friends & family the real reason for divorce.​ I wanted to give him time to come to terms with what was happening-- and know from several close friends that coming out is a painful and stressful time.  From the time I kicked him out until about 4 months ago, his homosexuality was a secret to all in his life except for me (and his newly found gay friends). He told his family (which I had been an active part of for over a decade) that I cheated on him, etc. Apparently this is the story he went with as opposed to what we agreed on for HIS SAKE-- that we decided we were better as friends.  The worst part is that although they all saw the physical and emotional abuse, they believed him. The hardest part was letting go of his family.

I believe that during the time I held his secret, I was decorating my closet to his friends and family.  I didn't defend myself and my close friends would get angry with me for letting this happen. Honestly, I knew that if I did and told the truth, it would just make me look bad.  Now, he has begun to come out to family and a few friends.  Everyone knows now, and I barely ever heard anything but how proud everyone was of him.  It made me boil with anger every time, but I smiled and nodded because that's the "correct" reaction.   I felt so guilty for being angry with him for coming out of this smelling like roses when he not only took 10 years of my life, but also smeared my name to protect his.

About three weeks ago, I met up with some of our mutual friends and one of the guys that has been best friends with my ex-husband since they were in grade school pulled me aside.  He hugged me and told me that everyone was afraid to say anything bad about my ex being "gay", but he wanted me to know that they all felt that gay or straight, what he did was just awful-- from the abuse during the marriage, the lies he told to get married, then the danger he put me in by cheating all the time, as well as the smear campaign he held after I found out he was gay.  They are all furious. His friend was in tears by the end of the conversation and just apologized for not being more upfront about all this.  The group was afraid that if they got mad at him it would appear that they were homophobic, and none of them wanted that.  It was at that moment that I understood-- All of the pressure I had put on myself to keep his secret and make sure "he was okay" during this was basically the same thing that they were doing by "being proud of him".  Coming out is a touchy subject, and people want to do the "right" thing.  That single conversation changed the way I thought of my needs.  I'm better than all of the drama, and am starting a new life-- people aren't stupid-- they know why the marriage ended... that it was him being gay.  If they don't then shame on them for believing someone who has spent his entire life lying about EVERYTHING to EVERYONE who mattered.  I no longer have as much anger about people's reactions. 

It's so important that spouses understand that people aren't as surface as they seem, and most will understand what is happening.  It's just that the subject matter is uncomfortable for most people and they react in the way that is of least resistance.

Thank you again for always hitting the nail on the head - E.

HAVE AN AWESOME MONTH!!!! LOVE, BONNIE



Thursday, April 17, 2014

Bonnie Kaye’s Straight Talk Newsletter
APRIL 2014     Volume 15, Issue 152

Bonnie’s Mantras:
LIFE WAS NEVER MEANT TO BE THIS COMPLICATED. PERIOD.
YOU CAN'T FIX A BROKEN MAN--BUT HE CAN BREAK YOU!

Help support Bonnie’s mission to help women and men in pain. Purchase her books from her website at www.Bonniekayebooks.com

NEXT HEALING WEEKEND: CALIFORNIA HERE WE COME!!

My next healing weekend will be in Los Angeles, California. It will take place September 20/21. If you are interested in receiving details, please write to me at Bonkaye@aol.com and write "California Info" in the subject box. Our healing weekends are a place where women can meet, share, bond--and never even say a word--but you'll want to!
                        
             DECORATING THE CLOSET
I see a pattern. I don't like it--but I see it. I was hoping that after all of these years I wouldn't see it, but I still do.

As your husbands continue to come out of their closets, some of you are going deeper into them. You're even going deeper in than they were. I really thought that once your husbands were ready to come out, you would break through the sounds of silence that had shackled you for so long. I really thought that now you could hold your head up high and let people know, "It wasn't me after all. I wasn't the problem. He's gay--and that was the problem."
Ah, silly me! I was so sure that the song "Coming Out of the Dark" would become the theme words for all of our women when your gay husbands were running out into the light. Well, in another song "Say It Isn't So," that's not what is happening.

For some of our women, it seems that now that the closet is emptier, you just have more room to hang out in it. Instead of being less appealing, you're not only in there but also decorating it as if it is your new den or recreation room. Some of you may be feeling better reading this because in isolation, there is always comfort knowing you are not alone--and you're not.
I hear this comment more than any other from our women: "While our husbands are now out there getting accolades for their honesty and made into heroes for being honest, no one is looking our way to make us feel any better." Is that really true???
Yes, it is. Our ex's are Olympians who are crossing the finish line by coming out into a world that is harsh and cruel. They have accomplished the impossible--namely being honest after living their lie with you for so many years. Their families still embrace them. Their buddies congratulate them. They have a wide support network waiting for them. They can finally live authentically the life they were meant to live.

And then there's you. The wife in shock. Who's looking at you with empathy and compassion? Who is standing there to tell you that you're the champion who has been trying to make a broken marriage perfect and spinning yourself around in circles always stuck in the web of deceit that your husband has woven? After the initial, "Oh, that's terrible" or "I'm so sorry you had to go through this," passes, those same "compassionate" group starts wondering, "What's taking you so long to get over it? Your husband moved on and he's happy. What can't you be?"  And what they are thinking by now is, "He wasn't gay when he married you. What did you do to bring that out in him?"

Yep, once again, it's OUR fault. In society today with people buying into that  50 shades of gay theory. Every man has a shade of gay in his life because there is a popular new word out there--FLUIDITY. People weren't buying into the Kinsey Scale anymore. It was too complicated finding out which rung you were climbing up or falling off.  Now the new word is "Fluidity" which accounts for "anything goes in life for a moment, a day, reason or a season" or something like that.

Been there. Done it. Heard it. Hate it.

For those of you whose husbands won't tell others even if they are out to you or won't tell even you, that closet is even more appealing. Why? because if you tell people that your husband is gay, they are going to tell you "NO WAY!!" They will tell you that you are crazy. Or quite often I now hear this:

            He's not gay--you're just saying that because you are angry and this is your                      way of getting back at him.

Really now? In other words, women who are sick of their husbands or who have husbands who are jerks are now claiming these men are gay because they're angry?? PLEASE!!
Yep, again, silly me. A couple of weeks ago I was tuned into Steve Harvey's Family Feud. The question was "Name seven (7) things you would tell people about your husband if he left you."
Of course, the first one was, "He was bad in bed." The last one was, "He has a little penis." But guess what? Stuck in between there was, "He is gay." Now if I hadn't heard this myself, I might question someone's hearing--but it's true. It was on the list big and bold. 

So now the word is out: If you get pissed off at your husband and say he is gay when everyone else thinks is wonderful, it's because you're angry at him. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. What a laugh. Of course it's at our expense.

I figured out it has taken thousands of years to people to even start to understand that homosexuality is not a choice. Maybe in another couple of thousand years they will understand that marrying a gay man was not our choice either.

MAIL BOX
Thank you everyone who takes the time to send me feedback. Sometimes your letters are so important that I ask you permission if I can share them. Thank you to the ladies who shared this month!

Hi Bonnie!  
Your March newsletter came at a perfect time.  I have followed your newsletter for years, written you, and chatted with you.  You have ALWAYS responded to me quickly and with compassion.  I am going through a divorce, and have my first hearing tomorrow.  I don't really need any more justification for what I am doing - going through with my decision.  Yet I find that maybe I DO need all of the reassurance I can get right now.  He is trying to manipulate and guilt me in every way to stay in (suicide threats among other tactics, and he knows how to pull my heart strings), and stick with his "status quo", as I have for 14 years now.  Yet that is an understatement because there has been abuse.  For me, that is what my decision comes down to.  I am raising now 11 and 8 year old daughters, and I want us all to see "clearly from the other side".  This is about self respect.
     
I recently related with a woman who, while with her ex, wished he would just hit her, so she could say, to herself and her less than supportive family, "Okay, see- he IS abusive".  Well, I am here to say that the line can always move.  When he hits you, you want to forget (self preservation?), you want to think "it doesn't happen all the time."  You see, there is always worse, but does that mean we tolerate it?  At what point is it enough?  Is it when bars are on our windows and we are prohibited from outside contact?  Is that what finally makes it the kind of abuse it is okay to escape from?  I have experienced verbal abuse, and it is just as painful.  
'
Physical is painful because of what it does in our hearts, mind and soul.  The beauty is that our soul can survive anything, and nobody can take our soul, who we are inside.  That part of us can stay strong and fight.  The abuser doesnt even know that they can't win.  They don't know what goes on inside our head.  Our hearts and minds get wounded, but can recover.  I believe while in the relationship or marriage they can only recover so far.  When we leave, the recovery can blossom in ways we can only imagine.

 I finally got to the point I didn't care anymore if he was gay or had the madonna whore syndrome.  I came home recently, unexpected.  I was doing this to be protective of the girls and me while court papers were on their way in the mail.  I never know how he will react to things.  He is also an alcoholic.  Believe it or not, he has a Master's Degree and has an excellent "mask", plus he is an amazing chef and provider.  Anyway he was all spiffed up as if he went on a date.  Before he walked in I found porn.  I took a picture of the screen and later had a friend's husband help me find the link.  It was typical male porn, taboo in what a guy would think is "wrong" or "slutty", and excite him.  So I have concluded he most likely has Madonna whore syndrome.  However, it doesn't even matter, because your newsletter STILL applies to me.  This last letter, March 2014, strikes me, most every word.  Do I deserve REAL love?  Absolutely.  
     
My counselor and I were talking and did I sign up for this marriage?  Did I ask for a personal amazing chef (I can cook too, but it is awesome to have shopping done and wonderful food cooked all the time) and provider ONLY?  WHY did I get married?  What did I want?  Would any woman sign up for this in the beginning?  I wanted true love, compassion, support (emotional, physical, and financial is a plus), a good father and male role model for my kids, sex (that was one of my TOP desires, and I GAVE it up.  I gave up that part of me.  Come to think of it, I gave up SO much of myself), friendship.  
     
Anyway I have a great support system, ironically many are strong and intelligent women friends, plus my amazing counselor.  I am now looking at my future.  I am already a dental hygienist, but it is hard to find benefits or full time work.  Plus I gave up years of experience to support his military career and his getting his Master's.  I always wished MY dreams mattered.  Well now I am looking into my options.  Last night I was looking at an Associates in Nursing, becoming an RN, then I could pursue my Bachelor's degree while working.  I could also pursue a Master's degree if I desire.  Funny that the enrolling process is more overwhelming to me than the idea of all the studying and coursework.  I LOVE studying and learning, and can't wait to use that part of my brain.  Nursing goes along with my passions of nutrition and health, psychology, hospice and helping others.  I want to empower women, and what a better way to do it than start at home with the three girls I have.  (Myself, and the two biggest blessings that have come out of a challenging situation and "marriage".)  I know it would be the icing on the cake for these girls to see mom work hard, study hard, and accomplish goals.  

I love you, Bonnie Kaye.  Your March letter and educational pursuits and journey serve to inspire me further.  I will make myself get through the daunting enrollment process at this college (my parents helped me with all of it when I got my RDH).  I have been so scared financially and of the unknown, but I am ready to take it on now.    I am most certainly worth it, and my girls are most certainly worth it. 
Name Withheld
Dear Bonnie,

I'm writing  you this letter to say thank you, you saved my life. I think you were one of the answers to my many prayers. Thanks to your wonderful cause and all your dedication. Your blog gave me the answer i needed. Let me tell you my story...

I married 4 years ago to whom I believed was the one i would spend the rest of my life with. But we had problems since we started the planning of our wedding. His family never accepted me from the beginning because I come from a privileged background, he on the other hand comes from a working family. But he stood up for me even when his family threatened to cut him off their lives. At the end he made clear that he loved me and wanted to be with me no matter what. That's when I fell really hard for him.
We had the most beautiful wedding, but the problems began once again in our honeymoon. It was odd, to say the least. He was distant, depressed and even though we had sex, I felt no real connection between us.  He acted like he was mad at me for some reason and I always tought it was because the problems with his family were never really resolved and that in some level he blamed me for the closeness he lost with his mother.

Our first year of marriage had practically the same dynamic. He was depressed, angry at me, and had no interest to be a part of my life at all. Although we had sex, I began to realize it was only when I initiated it. He was always guarding his cell phone and stayed in the bathroom for hours. That's when i became suspicious that he might be having an affair, and started to look for some proof. I could never describe the feeling when I saw that he was having sexual encounters with other men by meeting them online. Then suddenly a lot of things fall into place. When i confronted him, he told me he was sorry that he was in fact bisexual and that he hadn't been feeling and emotional connection with me since the problems with his family started, that he felt a lot of pressure and that was his way of letting it out. But that he loved me and wanted our marriage to work. That he didn't wanted to have this other life anymore, that in the moment he was confused but he didn't wanted to lose me...and i believed him. I needed to.
We decided to stay together and that time felt like i was having the marriage and the husband i wanted from the start. I was happy. Six months later i got pregnant and i fell in love deeper with him. He was very attentive, he wanted to be with me all the time and that reassured me that everything we went trough was in the past.

We decided to move to the U.S, for a job opportunity (we are originally from Mexico) But six months after my baby was born, things started to change again. I was feeling untrusting all the time. I felt angry because the idea in the back of my mind was getting out. He could do this to me again was the only thing in my mind.

It was hard to be with a newborn on my own and being in the house by myself all day ( we had no friends or support system of any kind). The stress of the situation made me very  aggressive and that's how i justified all these feelings of lack of trust and anger towards him. I was always starting fights and telling him that i didn't trusted him. He was always saying that he understood that he was the one to blame for all our relationship issues and that i had to trust him and believe that he would never do that to me again. And i did for some time.

We had our ups and downs but last year the distance between us began to grow. The lack of interest and the resentment returned, this time in both of us. He was tired of my
nagging and i was tired of feeling lonely and rejected. After all i left behind all my family and friends to be with this man that was more of a glorified roommate than a life partner.

That's when you showed up. I began doing some research and found your website. I think the newsletter about how gay men think different than regular men changed my life. It described my husband all the way. I used to cry because I didn't understand his way of thinking and started blaming me for not being able to put our past behind. That was a regular cycle for me. I felt angry and hurt and blame him for it and then felt guilty and asked for forgiveness. The forgiveness came with a price to pay. We didn't have sex until he was able to forgive me for not trusting him.

I was really depressed, but your blog made me realize that my life wasn't supposed to be that complicated. That even if my self esteem was buried underground i deserved love and happiness and my child deserved a happy mother and a stable home. I was determined to move back to México after the holidays but i don't know if the emotions brought up by the season made second guessed my decision. I wasn't sure anymore if i was doing the right thing, but then all my question were answered by God. I was waiting for my husband to come back from work when i received a call from the ER of a hospital from another county. My husband had been taken there with an overdose. Apparently he was at the house of a man he had met online and were doing drugs. When i got there with my one year old in the middle of the night and the nurse gave me his cell phone i wanted to slap myself for being such an idiot. He did it again. In fact he had been doing it for a while. I went back home called his parents to let them know he was unconscious and that the doctors weren't sure when he was going to wake up. Or if he was going to wake up. I told them i was leaving him and packed my suitcase. Because of the season, all the flights were full and i had to stay for 2 more weeks.  At that time my husband was discharged ( i had to pick him up and bring him clothes) and he asked me to stay and give it another try for our child. I had never been so sure about anything in my life like the answer i gave him. NO! But to be honest if this would have happened without me reading your blogs, I'm not that sure the answer would have been the same.
I took a flight on new year's eve, and starting a new life with my loved ones. I'm only starting this journey and i know it won't be easy. But i am determined to move on and not letting the actions of someone else define my existence.

Thank you for being a true companion on this journey we didn't ask to walk. You saved my life. I have now the opportunity to live a happy life. I am healthy, i have a beautiful baby boy and a lot of love around me. That could have been different if i haven't got from you the strength to fight for my life.

All my blessing to you and to those who are in this painful path.

PS please excuse my terrible grammar and spelling. As you know english is my second language and when i was writing about this my brain was shut down by my heart.

Thanks again Bonnie, Name Withheld.
Dear Bonnie,

Wow!  What a powerful newsletter that was! (March 2014).  I could literally feel some of my tattered loose ends heal over.....and I have many, many tatters.  These are the logical result of having your life yanked out from underneath you...your battered heart ripped out of your chest, ..your past, and your future strewn about at your feet, by the one person in this world you thought you could trust FOREVER. A  bloody mess that wounds you to your core.

I have been in your support circle since 2006.  I function well enough on the outside for someone who has been doing this for almost 9 years.  Yep, like Bonnie, this may very well take me 11 years...or more.  It is a very complex healing process.  Many of my friends can't grasp it....are insensitive to it.  They say splitting up is so common these days--lots of people rebuild their lives (like it is in some way comparable to a normal divorce experience!!).  I think, then, it must be a case of "you really had to have been there" to really "get it".  And your support circle and newsletter "gets it". I think that some people even discount me as an angry ex, imagining the gay thing..as my ex is still playing the straight game with another unsuspecting female. I worry about..and pray for her every night...that she will figure it out faster than I did.

I had wanted to contribute to your recent book "Gay Men Say the Darndest Things". But, my youngest child went into crisis, was hospitalized, and time slipped away.  Here are some of my favourite ex-husband quotes(the excuses he used to avoid sex).

"I am the laziest person I know".  (A cop-out comment from the guy who absolutely must have a fitness club membership at all times). Is it the showers there?

"I'm afraid of hurting the baby."  (a cop out for the pregnancy months).

"I've had so much sex in my teen years that I guess I've worked it out of my system" ( a cop out that he has been using since his mid-late 20's).

"Sex on demand killed it for me.  It took all the fun out of it , and I guess it stayed with me." ( Our second child was born after 2 years of infertility, frustrating him and delaying his "I'm afraid of hurting the baby " excuse for months!!!).

'It's the medication I'm taking." ( I think he's referring to the antidepressants he was taking, and not the poppers I found in his suitcase).

"Most people don't have sex past the age of 40.  My parents sure haven't! Why do you think they have separate beds? Your parents are the exception, rather than the rule."    (His mother had insomnia.  His father snored.  They did not get along well AT ALL.    My parents, on the other hand, could not keep their hands off of each other.  They were an inspiration to all their married friends. My mother told me personally that, once they had both had double by-passes and were in their 70's, they were ending their" technical" sex lives together. This is because they were afraid that they would kill each other--with PASSION! Running up the big staircase to their bedroom-giggling and growling-was beginning to concern them, and neither of them wanted to be responsible for performing CPR.

There were many parallels in your March 2014 newsletter to my own experience. My ex feeling trapped in the marriage, when it was actually he that trapped me. Many nights I cried and he snored like a baby. He'd get angry at me for crying. He'd minimize my feelings.  By the 7th year, he told me not to talk about emotions, and by the 21st year (Whaddayaknow) he says " lets tell the kids we've drifted apart!!"  He tries to get me to accept 50/50 responsibility for why the marriage is ending, never admitting to the real reason there is no marriage left.

"Knowing the truth from our gay husbands helps us to move forward,,.to heal the scars, bridge the understanding and bring closure". Our husband denying us the truth, leaves the scars opened for an unnecessarily long time. telling the truth is the least they can do to help.

Sincerely,  Judy

Ladies, these were such powerful letters. Hopefully it will help our other women. Thank you so, so much!

ODDS AND ENDS!

Our own beloved therapist, Dr. Brian Hooper, is now on Facebook. If you are on Facebook, please go to Dr. Brian Hooper and give him a like! Brian is on my radio show the last Sunday of every month. Here's a link to our last show:


Mike Gaurroute of Linked Investigations appeared on my show this past week. He is the most incredible private investigator. Here's a link to his show:



 Don't forget--I have my support chats twice a week. Let me know if you'd like to join!!

Love, Bonnie :)