Bonnie's next Healing Weekend: April 23/24 in Dulles, Virginia near Washington, D.C. Join me as we gather to share our stories and learn from professionals how to get on the road to healing. This will be another remarkable and memorable weekend for our Straight Sisters. The seminar is my gift to our women. The only charge is transportation, hotel (great group rate), and food. This will be a weekend that will dramatically change your life. Write to me at Bonkaye@aol.com for more information.
This was an article from 2011. I felt that it was so relevant today, I decided to repeat it as my holiday message.
HI HO THE MISTLETOE
Once again, the holiday season is upon us. To all of the members of my support network—the wonderful women and the conscionable gay men, let me wish you a peaceful holiday season. I think it would be callous of me to say a “happy” holiday because that would be really stretching it for too many of you who are in the midst of “holiday turmoil” trying to figure out how to “fake it” so you can “make it” through another holiday season without yelling out “Bah Humbug.”
To those of you who are either lingering in your state of “limbo” or making plans for your future freedom, the “ho, ho, ho’s” of the season must feel pretty flat. That’s how I used to feel during the holidays when I was married to my gay husband--looking around at all of the beauty of the season while lingering in the ugliness of my home life.
The good news is that many of you have moved on to a better place and space. I know you have because I read letters daily from women who now see how wonderful life can be when they stop dancing in that “circle of crazy.” Once you remove the distorted illusions that make you feel like you’re living in the world of Alice in Wonderland, you’ll realize that the sun really does rise every morning and sets at the end of the day. As simple as that statement may sound, when you’re living in a world of entrapment, you even question the simplest concepts like that.
So, here is my holiday message to all of you that I like to bring home as much as possible. Please make it your daily mantra:
Life was never meant to be this complicated.
It’s a simple statement. It explains every question you have ever written to me about your problems. No matter where you stand in the pool of murkiness, barely floating or drowning, this is the answer to all of you who have doubts. There are some of you who continue to linger in the shadows of the valley of doubt. No proof yet. No proof maybe ever. I say the ONLY proof you need is that you’re not happy or fulfilled in your marriage.
There are so many other issues that will come up in life that will be complicated that you’ll be forced to face. These issues include health issues, financial problems, and mother/fatherhood. These are the problems all of us have limited control over. But marriage to a gay husband?
That you have control over.
How many of you reading this newsletter can look back to last year’s holiday season and say, “I am still in the same place I was last year”? Yikes--that means you have lost another year of your life that you can never get back. But at the same time, look how many of you can say, “What a difference a year makes” because you moved ahead in your lives and took your life back.
There are many of you. I know this from my support chat and support network.
For those of you still living in “ limbo land,” realize that you are in a better place than many other women because at least you have the courage to read my words each month. That says a lot for you. It says that you are refusing to give up the battle and throw in the towel. It says that in time, you will be free. You won’t have to keep worrying about crushing those eggshells you are walking on each day. No more “gaylighting” from husbands who would rather make you think you are crazy than to accept the responsibility of loving you enough to tell you the truth about their homosexuality. No more confusion about the “problems” in your marriage that YOU are accused of creating. No more wondering why your husband would prefer not to touch you than to touch you. No more making excuses for medications causing him erectile dysfunction while he is watching gay porno on the Internet. No more anti-depressants to even out your mental state so you can survive on a day to day without being able to move out of bed. Yep—the “freedom train” is a runnin’, and you just have to take a leap of faith to get on board. You may have missed the train leaving today, but there’s always a new train running tomorrow. Make a plan to you can schedule a seat for yourself. That’s the best holiday gift you can give yourself.
Never believe it can’t happen—if you want it, it will happen.
For all of my women who are spending their first or second holidays alone, expect to feel twinges of sadness. That’s NORMAL. Some of you had wonderful marriages and miss what you had. Others had horrible marriages but still miss what they wanted to have. The first year or two is a “getting over the hump” holiday period. This is a time for you to make what is called “new traditions.” Do something totally different to take your mind off of what you used to do.
Volunteer for the day somewhere that will make you feel valuable like in a hospital or shelter. If you’re artistic, create something beautiful that will make you feel good. I am so, so amazed at how many unbelievable artists there are in this group. I am always in awe when I see your beautiful creations. I’m also so jealous, and I’m the first to admit it! Rent some comedies to watch on the holiday that will make you laugh. Take on a new project that you’ve been putting off for a while just to distract you. Try to make this holiday about YOU and not about HIM.
Thank all of you who send me letters of thanks and appreciation. It always validates the work that I do to help our women move out of the dark and into the light. And don’t forget—a New Year is dawning. It’s a time for a renewal of hope. Without hope, there can be no progress. Keep moving “straight” ahead!
A BEAUTIFUL MESSAGE FOR THE HOLDAYS FROM A STRAIGHT WIFE--KRISTI
One of the members of my support network is an amazing woman Kristi. She sent this message for our women who are struggling with moving out of their relationships. I hope her words help and inspire you--as they did for me. Thank you, Kristi, for sharing!!
I feel the need to share my heart on something with y'all. It's a deeper look into my story than I think I've shared before.
In light of a straight wife's mention of reconciliation, I just feel like it might be time to bring it up in case it might help anyone. I don't know why I've never felt compelled to share the entirety of it before now. I guess it just makes me feel so stupid and so blind that I haven't.
Anyway, here goes, and I hope it helps someone.
My gay ex and I got married in January 1994. In December 1994 (Christmas Eve, to be exact), he told me he had always thought he might be gay. Shocked (although I shouldn't have been, I guess, because my mom had told me from Day 1 that he was, and my gut said so, too), I remember saying, "So, what do we do now?"
He said, "Well, I don't want to act on it."
I stupidly and naively crawled into the closet where I would spend the next bunch of years and said, "Well, if you promise not to act on it, I promise I'll never tell anyone."
He agreed, and we stayed married until February 1998, when I finally couldn't take the rejection anymore.
On Groundhog Day (what a great Coming Out day, huh?) 1998, he said, "I'm gay."
I again (pre-Bonnie's SWC (Straight Wives Club)) said, "So, what do we do now?"
See, the good Christian girl in me had promised never to get a divorce no matter what.
He said, "Well, I guess we get a divorce."
I was horrified, but it was clear that he had no intention of staying. He was free.
For the next few weeks, I slept in what had been our bed, while he slept in the guest room. He was so mean to me. So cruel, so hateful... He rubbed my face in his new reality and made it clear that he couldn't wait for me to get out.
I did. On Valentine's Day. 1998.
We agreed not to see each other or speak to each other again, but I broke down and called him. We had grown so dependent on one another (largely due to the crappy secret I was keeping), and I believe now that he saw the value in keeping a sucker in his pocket. So, we reconnected.
From about July 1998 until the fall of 1999, we kept in touch via email. His email then was the ever-so-gay Cute28FL because, in his words, he was cute, 28, and lived in Florida.
He told me details of all of his escapades. Graphic detail.
I was so torn up and so devoid of anyone who could POSSIBLY understand what I was going through that I honestly just craved the friendship. He knew the secret, so I could talk freely without watching my every word. Yes, I was still keeping it. Gosh, how I needed the SWC back then!!!!
Anyway, I visited with him in Florida once for Christmas, and we exchanged presents and marveled at how wonderful our relationship was that we could remain close even after divorce.
He told me of his relationships (living with 6 different men in 6 different apartments over the course of a year and a half), and I supported him to his face and cried myself to sleep every night. Yet another secret I kept...
In fall 1999, he called me to tell me that he had moved back in with his parents and was thrilled to tell me that he wasn't gay anymore. That God had changed him.
I argued that it was impossible, but he poured on the charm and begged me to meet with him to see the differences in him- because surely once I saw him, I would see the miraculous transformation God had made in his life, and if I believed that God could do anything, I would certainly be able to believe in the change God had made in him.
Again, stupidly, I agreed. And he was right- at least to my naive eye! His walk was different. His talk was different. He talked of how he regretted not being affectionate with me and how he wanted to "have sex all night" with me.
I got sucked in, but mind you, he still felt it very important that he not have sex with me unless we were married.
Seduced by the thought that he FINALLY wanted me and blinded by my own loneliness (and not wanting it to seem that I didn't believe that God can do anything), I agreed to remarry him.
So, I did- in January 2000 (on our original anniversary date).
Not that it will surprise any of you, but never even once was there anything close to "sex all night."
Six months later, he began cheating on me. That cheating would continue for the next 12 years- until he finally broke down and confessed to having sex with "hundreds of men."
You'd think that's when I got out, wouldn't you? No, Queen Stupid here still didn't know what to do. Again, no SWC...
But don't worry, he said. Why? Because guess what!! God changed him again! (Don't even get me started on how much I believe there is a special place in hell for people who use God to cover their own lies and for their own special purposes, but I digress)...
I went to my preacher, who told me I had every Biblical right to get a divorce but that "we serve a God of restoration and RECONCILIATION" and that he'd like to see me give him 6 weeks to prove the change in him.
I was so much in shock and so numbed by it that I said, "OK," and six weeks went by, and still having no idea what to do, I told him that I wanted him to sign a contract that I would make up that would allow me access to all of his online accounts (FB, etc.) so that he couldn't do anything anymore. He agreed never to go to the restroom alone again. He would never be online unless I was around.
So, the sucker became a wife, and the wife became the babysitter...
And six weeks became six months, and I buried myself in a cocoon of survival and self-preservation. I was sure no one could ever understand me or what I was going through, and surely I must be unlovable, or this man, whom God kept "changing," could find it in his heart to love me.
My options were to survive or be alone forever. At least, that's what I thought.
Finally, I found Bonnie and the SWC and found my voice. I also found my own self-esteem and my own self-worth.
You, my dear sisters, are worth far more than the mirage of reconciliation. You are worth more than spending your days hoping that, one day, you'll be enough.
You already ARE enough. You are just trapped in a relationship with someone who will never see it.
I gave up half of my life hoping that the caterpillar would become a butterfly. In the end, I found that it was impossible, for he was a worm and never a caterpillar at all.
I found that I was the caterpillar and that I had stayed in the cocoon far too long. I can't tell you the joy I felt in allowing myself to become the butterfly.
You, my precious sisters, are butterflies. Don't stay in the cocoon. Please don't be fooled by the temptation of reconciliation. Worms never become butterflies- no matter how long you wait and wish.
After years of staying in a place where I didn't belong and wasn't (and never would be) wanted, I finally made the decision to free myself. If only I had known what awaited me on the other side of my decision! I am now married to a wonderful straight man who loves me the way a husband is SUPPOSED to love him wife, and he loves my kids, too, as if they were his own. I had convinced myself that a happy ending just wasn't meant to be. What I didn't realize was that a happy ending is impossible when married to a gay man.
My prayers are with all of you- always. Love to you all..
STRAIGHT WIVES TALK SHOW CHANGE IN DAY AND LINKS
Starting in January, my weekly computer radio show will return to Sunday evenings. The time will remain at 9:00 p.m. EST, 8:00 CT, 7:00 MT and 6:00 PT. Each month, my monthly co-hosts Suzette Vearnon, life coach, and Dr. Brian Hooper, therapist, will continue to start and end the month. In between, I will have others who can help us with our healing process. Here's a link to some other shows from this month:
TARRA HELFGOTT--LOOKING FOR MR. STRAIGHT
Author Tarra Helfgott paid a visit to my special show on December 13th to talk more about her book Looking for Mr. Straight. Tarra really knows some of the signs that we haven't even thought about. You can listen to the broadcast at this link:
JOYCE M. SHORT - RAPE BY DECEIT
Social activist Joyce M. Short, author of Carnal Abuse by Deceit, was my guest on December 14th. Joyce spoke about the deceit of people who have sex with women and misrepresent themselves and their intentions. Joyce has a petition on her blog to try to get action for women for assault crimes. Please take a moment to sign the petition and see how to order her inspirational book at www.stoprapebyfraud.com.
Here is a link to the show:
DR. KARIN HUFFER'S UPCOMING COURSE FOR JANUARY
Dr. Karin Huffer is offering her program for Equal Access Advocates (EAA) advocate training on line starting in January. EAA’s court advocates are prepared to recognize and challenge legal abuses and the syndrome that can result from extreme stress. Their education includes the use of tools for and information on conducting functional disability assessments. Classes prepare advocates to design accommodations that offset symptoms supporting litigants. The jewel in this program is the incorporation of eight steps to maintain mental health to be applied at the beginning, during, and end of the litigation process. Mental and physical endurance are paramount to quality of life during and after the litigation experience.
Dr. Huffer has been on my Straight Wives Talk Show twice in the past because of this wonderful opportunity for our women who are looking into starting or restarting a career. The great thing that Dr. Huffer revealed is that when you come out of a marriage with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, this is accepted as a disability, so you qualify to have a trained advocate with you in court as you go through the process.
To hear more about the show, here is a link to our original show about this:
To learn more, you can write to Dr. Huffer at: Legalabuse@gmail.com
The website can be seen at: http://www.equalaccessadvocates.com/
Have a peaceful holiday--and if you need support--write to me! I'm only a click away!
Love, Bonnie ♥