Wednesday, February 14, 2018

Bonnie Kaye's Straight Talk February 2018

FEBRUARY 2018     Volume 18, Issue 189
Bonnie’s Mantra:
COMPUTER RADIO PODCASTS -         www.blogtalkradio/bonnielkaye                                     Live on Sunday night 8 p.m. EST or any time after the live broadcast!


My next HEALING WEEKEND will be outside Washington D.C. on Saturday, April28 – Sunday, April 29. If you would like to be part of this amazing weekend, please email me at and put the word “Healing” in the subject box. I will send you the details this month. There is no charge for the weekend outside of travel, lodging, and food. This is a life-changing experience for people who need help during the grieving and recovery process.


It's that time of the year again. The day that symbolizes LOVE. Love with a soulmate, lover, or loving husband. It's the day that so many of our women struggle with because they have lost their feminine spirit from living with or having lived with a gay man. But even so, we're human, and the smallest glimmer of false hope (that many of us live(d) with) that has been pushed to the back of our psyche, somehow magically pops up that day like daisies at a gravesite.

This is the day that many of us fantasize will make up for the other 364 days of nothingness when it comes to intimacy, affection, and So many of our women hang their hopes on this day thinking that it will be the game changer.
Sadly, the game doesn't change--well, if it does, it's just a downhill spiral of being kicked down the steps one bounce at a time--sort of like the metal slinky toy. There's an old saying my father taught me at an early age--"Big Expectations Lead to Big Disappointments," and trust me, there are sure lots of disappointed straight women out there on this day. And yes, I WAS one of them.

I say WAS because now I can say the word in the past. It's been many years since my feelings of inadequacy on this holiday due to my ex-husband's rejection have hovered over me. But you never forget even after you think you have forgotten. There's that little trigger to remind you--namely Post Traumatic Stress--which pops up to greet you on February 14th of each year. Yes, there is no limit to the length of time cruelty takes to vanish. It isn't quite the simple, "Get over it," that people keep thinking and later start saying when they think you're taking much too long to heal. By the way, as a side note, that is a major reason why many women with gay husbands are shoved deeper into the closet when they discover they are married to a man who just isn't "straight."

Yes, I say, "Just isn't straight," because I am personally tired of having to defend myself on the terminology I choose to use--namely the word GAY. I told you last month about my own personal scale of straight or not. That includes the "asexuals," "addict sexuals," "bisexuals," "consexuals," (confused sexuals) "denysexuals," "experimentsexuals" (those who like to experiment), "pansexuals," "homosexuals," and "metrosexuals," "transgender," and "transsexuals." Actually, it includes anything that is a prefix that doesn't start with "HETERO." Not hetero--NOT STRAIGHT. Period. Look, in all fairness, if the LGBTIA etc. can keep expanding due to "inclusiveness," and so can I based on THEIR definitions--even if I don't understand them all. Mine is so much simpler--NOT STRAIGHT. It covers the wide spectrum of sexual differences. And there is no shame being directed in any way to anyone who is sexually different. I hope you learn to embrace yourself, accept yourself, and come to terms with yourself rather than keep punishing some loving woman by making her think that there is something wrong with her for not wanting to live this way. How many of us remember these famous words?

It's not my problem. You're the one with a problem.

Yes, this is the beginning of the great mental beating down of almost every straight wife who lives with a husband who can't be honest with her for fear of losing what he is protecting the most--namely HIMSELF. But that's another subject for another day.

However, I do like to stay timely and relevant, so let me say a word or two about acceptance. Over the past six months, a movement has become prioritized in our society called "ME TOO." This movement started as a result of sexual victimization of women through harassment--ranging from sexual pressure to sexual violence and rape-- who wanted their voices to be heard. They wanted those years of silence to become resounding as they told their stories one by one in long lines that couldn't be stopped. Some women waited 40 years to tell their stories--but they stood up and were validated. These brave women ranging from actresses to young girls who became our Olympic champions raged with indignation against their predators and let the world know that they women were no longer going to live with the shame of sexual abuse.

I suggest that "WE TOO" be the adopted slogan for straight wives starting on this holiday. Rather than hide in the emptied closets of our husbands for fear of public shame or ridicule that we are forced to live with under people's snickering of, "How didn't she know?" or "He wasn't gay when he married her," why can't we shout out those words? "WE TOO" shows the world that we were also victims and not volunteers. Some of you lingered in abusive marriages for 5, 10, 15, 20, 25, 30, 35, 40 and longer years of alienation, degrading, manipulating, sexual rejection, loss of self-esteem, and gaylighting. Some of you were held hostage through mind beating by insensitive narcissists who knew how to love-bomb you only to drop a bomb on you. Even the nicest of gay husbands--and I do know some of them who have become close friends of mine--took from you what you deserved--the right to be in a "straight" marriage.

The "WE TOO" movement includes millions of us in this country and millions more around the world. Gay men who marry us later tell us that they did it because they were "victims of society." And I do get it. I understand what it's like to be a victim. But that doesn't give a man the right to bring someone into his life to avoid or hide it from the public by grabbing some loving, innocent woman into the same trap he is trying to escape from. In the end, he just feels "double trapped" by society--and now YOU. He views you as the jail keeper. You are the one keeping him from happiness. He has to try to make you happy which once again comes back to his greatest fear--performing the role of a "straight" husband. It doesn't make him love you more; it only makes him resent you more. These men think they are setting themselves free from the judgment of society, when in fact, they are now more miserable than ever. And who gets the brunt of it? WE DO. That's we have to stand together as straight sisters and say, "WE TOO!!!" Sadly, we are a huge minority, and yet no one is hearing our cause because we are the voice of SILENCE.

I don't know any group that I can think of that feels so isolated as we do. While others are out there demanding their rights through having their voices being heard in the media, on television, in marches and pride parades, we are huddled in the back of the empty closets afraid to raise our hands to unite ourselves and let the world know that we are out there. We should feel no shame about being a straight wife. I am not looking for people to feel sorry for us, but rather to display the empathy and understanding that is so much missing from this issue. It can only change when we decide to have our voices heard and move out of the closet into the world while saying, "WE TOO!"

Saying those words will help you feel validated and a victor instead of a victim. When we don't have to be afraid of people knowing our truth--and YES--it is our truth to tell--it is validating--not negating our stories. We don't have to stand in that closet anymore--we can take a hammer and nails and board it up for good so that we don't have to retreat back to it. Bottom line--start loving yourself enough or even more on this Valentine's Day so that you can keep moving "straight ahead" for all of your future ones. Love to all of you from ME on this special day of love.


The following article is from a newsletter published over 15 years ago. The message is still powerful, so please read it.


         In the past, I have written about the difficulty that straight wives have during the holiday season. It is not uncommon for depression to set in somewhere around Thanksgiving and continue right through the New Year. During that six-week period, there are three holidays that revolve around family happiness and unity, something most of us are missing.
        While we get caught up in the preparation for these holidays, we can’t help but to feel an emotional letdown when they actually take place. We know what they represent, and yet, we never feel the wonder and joy of what the holidays represent that others are feeling. We go through the motions waiting for the emotional impact to kick in, but when it doesn’t, that’s when the depression sets in.
       And now, just as we start to get back to our “normal” existence state of mind to cope in our relationships, we are once again brought down by the most hurtful holiday of all—Valentine’s Day. This is the day that exemplifies love and romance. It’s hearts and flowers all the way. It’s the day that symbolizes what being in love is all about. It’s a day where two people who love each other take the time to stop and think about that love and to remember how it feels to be “in love” even if some of the passion has faded through the years.

        If you are the wife of a gay man, this is a day that really hurts. This day, more so than all of the other holidays, is a slap of reality about your marriage. You see, on the other holidays you can cover yourself with a veil of illusion because they are family holidays. Whatever you are lacking in your marriage can be compensated for through your children and other family members. But Valentine’s Day is different. It’s about the two of you. And no matter how you justify it by thinking it’s a day of love in general, it’s not. Yes, you can buy Valentine’s Day cards for your son or daughter, mother and father, co-workers and friends to try to make it better. But there’s really no escaping what it really is—a holiday for lovers.

        The reason why this holiday in so painful is because it is upfront and personal and right in your face. No matter how you try to avoid dealing with the reality of living with a gay husband on a day-to-day basis and lull yourself into a false sense of security, Valentine’s Day reminds you of the lie you are living with the man whom you fell in love with and married in good faith. It’s a reminder of everything that you were supposed to have but were cheated from having. And the man who robbed you of your dreams is still lying in bed next to you. Each morning when you wake up with him next to you, it’s one more day of living a lie.    

Now the lie wasn’t your lie to start with—it’s his lie. But it has become your lie because you’re living it with him. You’re going through the motions of what marriage is supposed to be, but it’s falling way short of what your intentions were when you made that commitment at the altar Your husband, who promised to love and cherish you through sickness and health ‘til death do you part, never mentioned that he would never be able to love you the way you needed to be loved. In fairness, maybe he didn’t know that he wouldn’t be able to do it. No doubt, he was hoping that he could pull it off. And I’ll even go so far as to say that maybe he didn’t come to terms with the fact that he was gay on that life-changing day. But in almost all cases he knew he was having conflicting feelings. He knew something was off even if he couldn’t figure out that it was homosexuality.

Even when I speak to gay men who tell me that they honestly didn’t believe that they were gay, or hadn’t acted on those impulses prior to marriage, they still knew looking or thinking about men sexually aroused them. And even if they still couldn’t come to terms with that, they knew when they stopped making love to you early in the marriage that they were not attracted to you because you were a woman. But they kept quiet because they were afraid if they told you their secret, you may blow it for them. You might pull away their security blanket leaving them vulnerable and feeling naked. It wasn’t always an easy choice for them to keep lying to you, but it was easier than telling the truth.

So to those of you who are living in one of the many situations that bring us all together under this umbrella of commonality, let me personally wish you a Happy Future Valentine’s Day. Believe me, it can happen to you just like it happened to me. This is a day I celebrate in a big way. It’s a day that makes me happy because I have a man whom I am in love with. He makes my heart flutter and my knees still get shaky when we touch—and that’s after eight years. I don’t say that to brag, but rather to let you know how life was meant to be. You were meant to have a man who can love you and make love to you. You were meant to meet someone who would cherish you and treat you as if you were the most important part of his life. The fact that you were sidetracked doesn’t mean that you are doomed forever. It is never too late to find the happiness you are seeking as long as you don’t give up hope. And even if you don’t want to think about falling in love, at least think about not living in an abusive situation. Work on loving yourself enough to move away from a man who is not your soulmate but who is destroying your soul instead, one layer at a time.

Go out and buy yourself a giant box of chocolates. Enjoy each one of them as you remember how sweet life is supposed to be and how wonderful it will be once you remove yourself from a disastrous situation.



Monday, January 15, 2018


JANUARY 2018     Volume 18, Issue 188
Bonnie’s Mantra:
COMPUTER RADIO PODCASTS - www.blogtalkradio/bonnielkaye       
Live on Sunday night 8 p.m. EST or any time after the live broadcast!


It's interesting. In my last newsletter, I wrote about the confusion of the Kinsey Scale of Human Sexuality. Over the years I often thought to myself, "What kind of man could possibly come up with a scale with so many ridiculous categories when it could be as simple as "straight" or "not straight?" How much thought would that have taken?
After the article last month, one of my readers was kind enough to send me some very interesting information about the famous--or shall I say infamous--Dr. Kinsey. The information was beyond interesting--it was chilling. In fact, I'll say downright frightening. After doing some serious research with lots of confirmation information, here's what I learned about this "doctor" of perversion.

This was the information she shared:

"Quote from New York Times book review of his biography: “Kinsey presented himself to the world as a scientist and a conventional husband and father -- Professor Kinsey, whom even his wife called Prok. It was an essential disguise for a man exploring controversial territory, but he was in fact far more complex. James H. Jones, a historian at the University of Houston, reveals in this rich, awkward biography that Kinsey was energetically bisexual -- Jones says ''homosexual'' despite Kinsey's continuing sexual relationship with his wife -- and a serious masochist. Kinsey also organized group sex among his senior staff, their spouses and outside volunteers, which he observed and had filmed, evidently to condition his investigators to their work and bond them together under his paternal authority as well as to record sexual behavior directly.”
Kinsey was bisexual and, as a young man, would punish himself for having homoerotic feelings. He and his wife agreed that both could have sex with other people as well as with each other. He himself had sex with other men, including his student Clyde Martin.
After receiving this information, I went online to research more about Kinsey. I never believed a man who was "straight" would ever come up with a 7-point scale of sexuality. In fact, I asked 11 of my straight male friends how they felt about the scale--and they laughed. A few if then snickered. But none of them bought it. And these were men who weren't homophobic in any way--but they were straight. I asked three of my gay male friends about their thoughts about Kinsey, and they didn't buy it either. They claimed you are or you're not--and if you're are, you can pretend you're not--but you are. They also believed that it was "yes" or "no."
But getting back to the research--there were some controversies that many of us did not know about. This information was found in a number of sources on the Internet. According to one column that quoted Kinsey expert Dr. Judith Reisman from her book Sex, Lies, and Kinsey:
          Kinsey solicited and encouraged pedophiles, at home and abroad, to sexually violate from 317 to 2,035 infants and children for his alleged data on normal “child sexuality.” Many of the crimes against children (oral and anal sodomy, genital intercourse and manual abuse) committed for Kinsey’s research are quantified in his own graphs and charts.
          “Table 34” on page 180 of Kinsey’s “Sexual Behavior in the Human Male” claims to be a “scientific” record of “multiple orgasm in pre-adolescent males.” Here, infants as young as five months were timed with a stopwatch for “orgasm” by Kinsey’s “technically trained” aides, with one four-year-old tested 24 consecutive hours for an alleged 26 “orgasms.” Sex educators, pedophiles and their advocates commonly quote these child “data” to prove children’s need for homosexual, heterosexual and bisexual satisfaction via “safe-sex” education. These data are also regularly used to “prove” children are sexual from birth.

          The man heralded with enthusiasm by mainstream publications such as Time and Life Magazine was nothing less than a monstrous facilitator of child-rape. In fact, he even went so far as to record children shrieking and thrashing in pain, passing out and convulsing as the result of the hellish abuse he was putting them through, as evidence of “orgasm”—especially for children who could not yet speak.
I find this information highly disturbing--and this was the tip of the iceberg of accusations against Kinsey. To find this man a "credible" source of reason has been totally tossed off my list of any credibility after reading how his research was conducted and who it was conducted with. Of course, Kinsey had a defense for all of the accusations including that he only interviewed one pedophile for his research, and not the 9 he stated in the book. So does the information of 1 pedophile serve as credible information? Actually, does the information from 100 pedophiles make a difference when they talk about the age when a child is having an orgasm? So this sadistic pervert won't be noted in any more of my writings. And those who use his "scales" as proof need to rethink their source of "misinformation."


Each month when I post my newsletter on my blog, I have a a number of responses. Most people I hear from truly appreciate my words; however, a few do not. They challenge me and question my credibility, and I try to respond honestly based on my years of experience (nearly 35 years) and the thousands of people I have worked with during that time.
Is my way the only way? Of course not. I never say I speak for everyone in the whole wide world--just for those who are experiencing the pain that I experienced from being married to a gay husband. I never tell people what they "have to do" or "should do" if they want to do something totally different than what I believe is right. In fact, I always try to find extra resources for them so they can meet others who feel as they do.
One man wanted me to post these and other challenging remarks on my blog, but I didn't accept the comments because my blog is not a dispute board. However, I did tell him I would discuss his feelings in my upcoming newsletter with my response. Here is what he had to say and my response:

Chip has left a new comment on your post "GAY MEN DON'T THINK STRAIGHT!!":

Though it may come as a shock to her, Bonnie Kaye does not have the self-righteous monopoly on this issue. I am another example of where her myopic world view misses the mark.

I was a husband, am a father, and my ex-wife's discovery of my same-sex inclinations resulted in the break up my marriage and family. It devastated my ex-wife -- as it did me. We are now trying to get on with the new "normality".

In the months following my wife's discovery of my reality (and my simultaneous discovery of a fledgling affair of her own), I felt like I was at ground zero of a bomb blast, yet somehow survived. I began searching for clarity on both my side of the situation as well as my ex-wife's.

I know I can't speak for many other men in this situation, but in my case, I am, without doubt, predominantly attracted to females in all aspects (physically, sexually, emotionally, spiritually). My same sex interest is, and always has been, fairly limited in scope due to its origins and has proven to be much better in "theory" than in "practice". According to Bonnie Kaye and her ilk, however, this is not possible. I must be deluding myself and am simply in denial. If I followed her advice, accepted "reality", and lived as a gay man, it would be an absurd disaster (but great material for a sitcom). I would make a pathetic partner for some poor gay dude. I would always be instinctively checking out the women and secretly watching female porn. It wouldn't be long before that poor soul would be accusing me of being "straight in denial" and merely using him as a "draeb" (that would be "beard" beard spelled backwards). But to Bonnie, I am a unicorn. I do not exist. I am a "GHID". Am I 100% straight? Hell no, and I'm perfectly fine with that. What I find ridiculous is being told repeatedly, by ill-informed people, that the world is binary when it simply is not. "If you ain't straight, you're GAY!" Yea, right.

I have spent hours reading the stories of women who have been in the shoes of my ex-wife and I have become increasingly sympathetic to their plight. The storied are heart-wrenching. Meanwhile, I am empathetic to the silent counterparties in these stories -- the men who made very bad choices and hurt the people in their lives. Reading much of the commentary here, and reading/listening to Bonnie Kaye and her ilk would have me believe that I am an incorrigible piece of self-delusional, "narcissistic" piece of crap beyond any hope of self-discovery and self-improvement. Certainly some of these men are very bad and abusive men, but the majority are probably guys like me: generally well-meaning, non-abusive guys who made horrible choices that they deeply regret and who are trying to find a way to put their lives back together just as their ex-wives are trying to do.

Sure, there are many guys who really would prefer to live a gay life but chose otherwise when they married a woman and these guys certainly should move on with the life suited to them. But, for those of us that move on and find a new girlfriend or wife, we are just accused of hiding behind another "beard", when in fact, being with a woman in all respects is the most natural thing we know.

I am not defending my actions of breaching the trust of my ex-wife. That was my failure. That I truly regret. That I own. I have learned some tough lessons and it will not happen with my new wife. My need to unfulfilling explore fantasies is nowhere near my need to live with integrity in the best way that I can. I have learned very painfully that it is not worth it - at least for me.

I imagine Bonnie Kaye she has helped some people and may have some valid perspectives, but the bitterness, ire, inaccuracy, and self-contradiction of her relentless invective create a cacophony of distraction when what is most needed is clarity.

          Chip, I do acknowledge your pain. I also acknowledge that you do not consider yourself gay. And Chip, I am not saying that you are gay. More importantly. what I think should have no bearing on your thinking. I respect your feelings and appreciate your story. I know there are men who struggle greatly in their lives with sexual issues, and I don't mean to minimize them in any way. I do know there are men who don't want to live a "gay life" as you call it, nor do I proclaim to have all of the answers. I do know this--there are some women who truly don't care if their husbands have had previous pr present experiences or fantasies with men because they don't feel it affects them or their relationships. But I hope you can understand that there are women--the overwhelming majority of them in situations such as this--who don't feel that way and don't want to even consider a marriage with a man in this situation--and that's okay too. The important thing in life is to find someone who can be your soulmate in every sense. Be honest with her ahead of time so it won't be an issue later on.
          As for me, my life moved on to a wonderful place. I found my soulmate 24 years ago, and I am not bitter over my marriage to my ex-husband who died in October of this past year. We made our peace long ago, and he gave me a wonderful gift before he passed away--the gift of truth including repeated sincere apologies for hurting me first on his own through our 39 year journey and then with some psychotic people who believed they could destroy me and my work. However, I do get angry for the misfortunes of so many of the people I work with--both straight wives and gay husbands--whose lives are thrown so totally off track because of this issue.
          Chip, I hope you find someone who can love you as you deserve to be loved. That's my wish for you. I won't be debating you, but I'm more than happy to have you write to me any time you need support. I will be there for you!

With hope for your happiness,


Dr. Karin Huffer is an amazing family therapist who is an adjunct professor at the renowned John Jay University. She conducts an online course to get people certified as an ADA Advocate that you can access from home on your computer. Dr. Huffer states that many of us suffer from PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder) following our marriages, and PTSD is a disability that allows you to have an advocate in court helping you through the process. Most of us do not understand how to work through the court system during our divorces. We are nervous at best, and often don't understand what is being said with legal jargon. Your lawyer may not necessarily find it important to explain everything to you making you feel more lost and confused. An advocate can be by your side before, during, and after the case.

Two weeks ago, Dr. Huffer was the guest with my co-hostess for the show, Debra Sutton. Debra had taken the course two years ago and found it wonderful as far as helping others with advocacy who are part of our network.

 Dr. Huffer explained that an advocate ensures that the functionality of a client in a legal setting is protected under the ADAAA against all harassment, retaliation, and false accusation. Advocates act on behalf of their loved ones or clients, not by practicing law, but by arranging accommodations to offset symptoms, alerting the court to deliberate abuses, and providing much-needed support to the litigant.

A Certified ADA Advocate has completed an accredited program through John Jay College of Criminal Justice.
They can then:

• Come onto a case as a consultant and expert witness
• Review each case determining accommodations
• Arrange evaluations to assess additional needs
• Prepare a confidential request submitted to the court requesting accommodations
Anyone can apply to become a certified advocate and can practice in any state. There is no pre-education requirement to do this. Professionals in both the legal and medical fields especially benefit from certification, ensuring they are in compliance with the new ADA regulations established on 10/11/2016 as well as adding a new level of competency to their practice.
To learn more information about becoming an advocate and to sign up for the course, visit Dr. Huffer's website at:
To hear Dr. Huffer's show with the information of how you can start this career, here is a link to our show:
For those of you who are either looking to enter the workforce or add on to your professional skills, this is an excellent opportunity to make extra income for your family. There is a new online course starting in a few weeks, so visit the site now to sign up!


Dear Bonnie,

          I wanted to circle back to close the loop on my 11 year journey with you.  To summarize the story I wrote as "Anne" in Straight WIves, Shattered Lives (Vol 2), I discovered images that my husband had looked at online, confirming my suspicions of many years that he had interests in men as well as women.  Although I tried to persuade you that my situation was different than any of the other 30,000 or so stories you had heard, you stood firm.  I eventually came around to realizing that I needed to end my sham of a marriage but it took 10 years to execute. 

The wisdom you generously shared through 1 on 1 emails, even a phone call, your monthly newsletters, and my participation in one of your weekend workshops have all been instrumental in my moving through divorcing a narcissist and keeping my sanity.  The stories of women finding true love the second time around kept me going all of those years.  So when I left my marriage in January 2016, I prepared myself to be miserable for two years.  In fact, I wasn't ever unhappy, although sometimes lonely.  After having given up on internet dating (not much out there for a 57 year old slightly overweight woman, right?), cupid struck!  I was out of town for a contra dancing weekend.  As I arrived and sat down to put on my dance shoes, I saw a guy from my hometown contra dance making a beeline for me from "across the crowded room." From that moment on, we've been basically inseparable.  We became intimate immediately after returning home from the dance, though the opportunities are somewhat limited as i’m a nearly full time single parent. However, last weekend, we traveled together to a dance in another city while my daughter was with her dad. 

Everything you and your readers have ever said about sex with a man who doesn’t like dicks is absolutely true. We missed half of the dance weekend because we didn’t want to leave the hotel room.  We are both crazy in love. I know this may be only a rebound for me, but time will tell. In the meantime, I’m experiencing what it feels to be truly loved vs put on a pedestal by a narcissist who sees his “loved ones” as merely means to an end.  I feel like the sexiest, most beautiful woman alive when I'm with him. 

 So to you, Bonnie, and to your community of readers, stay strong and THANKS! 

Recent radio shows:

If you haven't heard Dr. Margalis Fjelstad's program about healing after living with a narcissist, put this link in your browser:

Dr. Fjelstad has two wonderful books out that you can find at Amazon or BN. Members of my support network tell me that these books are LIFE SAVING!!!!

Have a peaceful and loving month.

Love, Bonnie

Friday, December 8, 2017


Dear Friends,
Over the past 18 years, I have written nearly 200 newsletters (187 actually) that have addressed every situation you can possibly think about. My earlier words were filled with insight, wisdom, and compassion. I am very proud of how helpful and comforting so many of you have found these words over the years. Therefore, over the next month or two, I'll be going back in time to reprint some of my best works. Many of you haven't seen these articles because of how far back they date, and others who have read them may not remember them due to the length of time! Either way, they are still just as relevant today as ever.

I apologize for not writing some new material, but to be honest, I am  on a strict deadline for several publications. One project is my new book called "The Gift of Truth from my Ex-Husband." In October, my gay ex-husband passed away. In return for my support to him during his final 18 months of suffering from bone cancer, he gave me one final gift at the end of my life. He loved me enough to provide me with all the written proof I need to bring federal charges against a few people who made it their mission to destroy my life and undermine my work on behalf of straight wives over the past three years. You will be quite shocked to see the length that these misguided criminals went to in order to accomplish this mission--which will never happen. So please stay tuned. I'll be talking more about this in the spring sharing some and excerpts prior to the book release.
Love, Bonnie


Yes, it's the holiday season here again. The season starts at Thanksgiving and will last for the next 3 months ending on Valentine's Day. In between you'll have to deal with Christmas Eve, Christmas, New Year's Eve, and New Year's Day. For some of you, this will be the first holiday with your life in the state of total turmoil because you are learning or have learned the truth about your husband, but you are still stuck where you are. For others, it will be the first holiday season split as a family and in some cases, you will be feeling very alone. And for others, it will be the early years in the recovery process--early enough to remind you that these holidays can really make you depressed.

I don't have a magic solution to this, or I would give it to you--I swear! Holidays are horrible for me because of the loss of my two children. They will never be the same. The loss of something you loved so much--such as your family unit--is very painful. And no matter how lighthearted I could make it sound by giving you some good "tips," some of you aren't ready for them--and guess what? That's fine.

We all deal with pain in different ways in the same way as we all heal at different paces. No two situations are the same--and no two women are expected to heal at the same rate. There are so many different variables involved here.

For those women who had wonderful marriages, the hurt is so much stronger. You feel like your life was torn away from you right in front of your eyes. There were no signs--no real problems--lots of love (even if it didn't translate into "making love")--lots of warm times filled with laughter while you were going through life with your best friend.

For those of you who are coming out of less-than-wonderful marriages, the hurt is still there. You realize that you've lost a chunk of your life that you can never get back. All the dots are finally getting connected. You feel better knowing the truth, but you still resent having lived with the lies for all of these years wondering why you could never please your husband no matter how hard you tried. You suffered from emotional and sometimes physical abuse. The scars have been deep for years as you lived in a state of depression because you didn't know the truth of why your husband didn't love you.

Some of you will reject the holiday parties and settle instead for a personal "pity party." I say enjoy yourself if you want to have one. There's nothing wrong with a pity party every now and then because it's part of the grieving process. Don't feel guilty if you want to indulge for a day or two. Just try not to get stuck for too long in one because they can be hard to give up if you let yourself linger. Set a time frame--a "one afternoon, one evening or one day" party. Buy yourself something that you really love to eat--or if you are not an eater, maybe you are a drinker. Even if you make yourself a hot fudge sundae with six scoops of ice cream, it's fine! You're entitled to a little instant gratification.
If you feel like being alone--then stay alone. Don't let people talk you into doing something you don't want to do because they think "it's not good for you to be alone." I like to be alone during these times. I don't feel like people telling me I should be thankful for all that I have or how I should feel or how I should have started 'getting over it" by now. I'd rather sit home and watch a Law and Order Marathon or play some mindless computer game. Those are luxuries for me! Find something that is a luxury for you and indulge. That's the fun of the pity party. You can be miserable--but enjoy the time alone by doing things that make you feel good momentarily.

The most important thing to realize is that life is changing or has changed. It may be a horrible time for you, and there is nothing wrong with acknowledging it. Life will get better--when you are ready to let it. And there's no time limit for healing!


Most of you have heard of the Kinsey Scale. Gay men use this as an argument to prove that they are not gay, but rather on some road or continuum that never seems to get to where you know they are going or have landed.

The Kinsey Scale was first devised in 1948 by Dr. Alfred Kinsey. His research broke sexuality into seven steps starting at “Totally heterosexual” to “Totally Homosexual.” There were a number of other steps in between. According to Kinsey, these are the steps:

0- Exclusively heterosexual with no homosexual
1- Predominantly heterosexual, only incidentally homosexual
2- Predominantly heterosexual, but more than incidentally homosexual
3- Equally heterosexual and homosexual
4- Predominantly homosexual, but more than incidentally heterosexual
5- Predominantly homosexual, only incidentally heterosexual
6- Exclusively homosexual

According to Kinsey, “Males do not represent two discrete populations, heterosexual and homosexual. The world is not to be divided into sheep and goats. It is a fundamental of taxonomy that nature rarely deals with discrete categories... The living world is a continuum in each and every one of its aspects.”

This scale has widely been accepted and utilized by many professionals in the field. I look at this scale as being an excuse for gay men as a way to prove that they are not gay, and I regularly see it being used to that end.

Quite frankly, I don’t understand this whole concept. For instance, what is the difference between the Number 1 and the Number 2 position on the Kinsey scale? Number 1 is: Predominantly heterosexual, only incidentally homosexual. Number 2 is: Predominantly heterosexual, but more than incidentally homosexual. What determines if someone is “incidentally” or “more than “incidentally” homosexual? For that matter, what does “incidentally” mean? An “incident” happened one day or night? And how is a man predominantly heterosexual but more than “incidentally” homosexual? Hmmm, beats me. And quite frankly, let’s skip up to Number 5 on the scale: 5- Predominantly homosexual, only incidentally heterosexual. What does that mean? Very confusing, isn’t it?

I believe that there are men who are “emotionally” straight. They are unable to come to terms with the gay world. They dread the thought of being “labeled” as gay due to societal or religious pressures. They enjoy the security of living with a woman in a “heterosexual lifestyle” where they don’t have to fear the rejection of their families, religions, and communities. However, this does not deserve a space on the ladder climbing up to homosexuality on the Kinsey Scale.

I think the Kinsey Scale is an excuse for people who can’t accept their sexuality. I believe that some gay men can perform sex with heterosexual women when the emotional need is so great that they can talk themselves into it. And I believe that these men feel much better talking themselves into being a 2 or 3 on that scale rather than a 4, 5, or 6. That scale convinces many a man that he’s okay staying in a marriage because he’s not a “6.”

The Kinsey Scale is a product from 50 years ago. I believe it needs to be updated and simplified. So now, I’ve come up with a “Bonnie Kaye Scale of Sexuality.” The scale has two levels – Number 1 and Number 2. Number 1 is Heterosexual. This is a man who craves sex only with a woman because these are the only sexual feelings that arouse him. Number 2 is for all the other men who desire a penis on any level—“incidentally,” “occasionally,” “every blue moon,” “just out of curiosity,” or “in a fantasy.” Think of all of the anguish this new scale will take away from people who are intellectualizing about where they stand on the Kinsey Scale. Think of all the worry they could avoid as they inch up the ladder and move from a 2 to a 3 or a 4 to a 6. I can’t even imagine the fear a man would have who is on Number 4 and creeping up to Number 5. Does he sit and worry how long it is going to take him to get to number 6? Will he try to convince himself to have sex with a woman so he can downslide to number 3?

I like the idea of my scale so much better. Men don’t have to sit and worry about “how gay” they are or will be. They have nothing to prove if they desire sex more with men. It won’t change their number—they will still be a Number 2. Wow—wouldn’t that take the pressure off of men who are trying so hard to fight their own gay desires and behavior?

And wouldn’t it make things so much easier for our women also? Women wouldn’t have to wonder if their husbands/boyfriends are moving up or down a scale. It would be much more black or white. If you want a heterosexual man, that’s fine. If he’s anything else, well, it’s not fine—at least not fine for a marriage. We could eliminate the fallacy of “Bisexuality,” or Number 3 on the Kinsey Scale which always gives false hope to women. “Bi” implies to women that they have an equal chance to win their man as a man has--which we know is not the case. It reinforces false hope that if they “love their men enough or try harder to be better wives/girlfriends,” their men will pick them. It just ain’t happening, is it? The desire for a penis is always there. All “bi” men would automatically fall under the Number 2 category. Even men who are “just fantasizing” about other men would be in the Number 2 group. After all, if a man gets “aroused” by a penis, it’s definitely the Number 2 category.

I think the “Bonnie Kaye Scale” will help women make easier decisions. You don’t have to sit and debate anything at all. It all comes down to one question—do you want a man who wants a woman or a man who has a penis on his mind? Why does something this simple have to become so complicated?

Alexis Hall has a website for single parenting. She invited me to share this with you for the holiday season. Her contact info is below.

If you’ve gone through a traumatic divorce this year that’s left you anxious and depressed, the thought of the approaching holiday season may feel as challenging as climbing Mt. Everest. And, similar to such an arduous task, reaching the summit will count a great deal on how you tend to your mental health.

You’re suddenly a single parent. You’re responsible for your own financial success. Your social circle is evolving. All of this can feel overwhelming.

Take a moment to slow down, breathe, and make a plan; remembering your journey to renewed mental and physical health will be depend on your own self-administered care.

One of the most important things you can challenge yourself, and your children, to do during this time is climbing that mountain, or let’s say a smaller one. Physical activity such as hiking, indoor cycling or even a less aerobic activity like bowling can improve your mental health by stimulating positive hormones and neurochemicals.

We’ve all heard of the popular “runner’s high” that comes from releasing endorphins in exercise, but getting physical also impacts the brain’s serotonin levels. Serotonin, the chemical many anti-depressants work to increase, boosts your mood and improves your overall sense of well-being.

Your mental health will also improve when you practice good parenting techniques after the divorce. Most importantly, be there for your children. Spend quality time with them, and in doing so, seek to understand their emotional needs during this stressful period. Seeing them happy will in turn make you happy. Consider trying the following:

      Sharing them with your ex.
      Keeping them out of the middle of any disputes that evolve.
      Talking positively about the other parent.
      Always show the other parent respect when you come together.

You may notice during the dark months of winter that your depression worsens. This may be a sign of Seasonal Affective Disorder, also known as SAD. Feelings associated with SAD come and go with the seasons, and it is diagnosed, according to the National Institute of Mental Health, when the following symptoms appear in addition to your traditional depression symptoms: low energy, hypersomnia, or excessive sleepiness, overeating, weight gain, carbohydrate cravings and withdrawing socially. SAD can also contribute to substance abuse in a way to manage your emotions.

If you are experiencing these symptoms, Dr. Barton Goldsmith, suggests in an article for Psychology Today, “using a full spectrum lamp for twenty minutes a day.”

Perhaps one of the most important things you can model for your children is your resilience by moving on. Put some careful thought over the holidays into making the new year about a new you. Not necessarily making lofty resolutions that make you feel more like the stressed mountain climber, but smaller goals that help move you forward in your healing.

Consider socializing more. The last thing you should be doing is turning inward, or isolating yourself. Much research has been done correlating the reduction of stress with spending time with our friends, but did you know friends can even extend your life?

A 2010 study at Brigham Young University in Utah concluded that people with, “strong social relationships increased their odds of survival over a certain time period by 50 percent.” That's on par with quitting smoking, and nearly twice as beneficial as physical activity in terms of decreasing your odds of dying early. Astonishingly, this correlation to better health is as strong as smoking cessation and exercise.

Try bringing to life the old adage “out with the old and in with the new.” Build some excitement for you and your children by co-creating new family traditions. For example, instead of going to the same old holiday vacation spot, collaborate with your children on finding and planning a new, more exciting destination this season.  Doing this allows them to build wonderful new memories and traditions with you.

Many things can be done to improve your mental health following your divorce.  Study and research ways to improve you. In doing so, you won’t be just helping yourself, but you’ll be actionably demonstrating to your children that they too can overcome life’s challenges. Teaching them to be a successful mountain climber may provide the richest mental health reward ever.

You can find more support for single parents at Alexis's website:

Wednesday, October 18, 2017

Straight Talk Newsletter October, 2017

OCTOBER 2017     Volume 18, Issue 186
Bonnie’s Mantra:
COMPUTER RADIO PODCASTS - www.blogtalkradio/bonnielkaye                                     Live on Sunday night 8 p.m. EST or any time after the live broadcast!


The Straight Wives Talk Show is starting its new season as of  October. Some of our best experts will be returning, and we will be having some new guests including straight wives who will share their stories with you. Stay tuned for some amazing programming! You can always catch a broadcast anytime after it is aired at this link:



This month I wanted to focus on twp important issues--shame and blame that we all go through after the marriage to our gay husbands on one level or another. Because this topic is so important, I asked my literary hero, Kristin Kalbli, to share her powerful thoughts on the topic of BLAME. After her profound words, I will share my thoughts on the issue of SHAME.

Transmuting Blame After the Trauma of the Gay Thing
By Kristin Kalbli

I want to talk about blame, and responsibility, and power. Blame and responsibility are often confused, but they are not the same. One is destructive, the other constructive. But we run from responsibility when we mistake it for blame. Responsibility is needed to reclaim personal power after a trauma, and to reject blame. As straight wives, it is immensely helpful to understand the role each plays in the trauma of discovering our husbands are gay in order to recover and move forward.

 First: blame. We straight wives know all about blame. When problems cropped up in our marriages to closeted or in-denial gay men, we were often blamed for those problems by our husbands. Personally, I regularly tried to address the lack of sexual intimacy in my own marriage with my husband. He became deeply uncomfortable and would completely shut down, refusing to communicate at all. He would then become angry and resentful and blame me for confronting him, for putting pressure on him, which made him feel “even less like having sex” with me than the barely-once-a-month we already had sex. His behavior never changed; I never got answers, but I did get blamed for seeking them. We were in a maddening feedback loop of my hurt and frustration at the constant, inexplicable rejection, and his anger and blame at being asked to address it. Many of us straight wives were told our bodies were to blame for our husband’s lack of attraction to us. We were too fat, or ugly, or our genitals were repulsive or smelled bad. Our bodies were deeply shamed and blamed for a problem that never originated with us. Of course our husbands weren’t attracted to us, because they were gay, not because there was anything at all wrong with our beautifully human bodies. But we swallowed that blame, and many of us tried to make ourselves into better, prettier, more desirable versions of ourselves…to no avail. Our husbands used blame strategically. As long as they blamed us, they deflected suspicion away from themselves.  '

 When we finally learned our husbands were not straight, often it was because we stumbled upon evidence we weren’t supposed to find. Whether we went looking for that evidence or were taken by surprise when it surfaced, a few of our husbands came clean then. But those who were still deeply closeted may have flown into blind, panicked rages and blamed us for questioning them, doubting them. They blamed us for our suspicions, they blamed us for needing answers, they blamed us for snooping, they blamed us for finding out their secrets, their shame, and they blamed us for having the audacity to confront them about it. If the evidence was too blatant to deny they blamed us for shining a light on their dishonesty, their selfishness, their hypocrisy. They blamed us for unmasking them, to themselves and to the world. They blamed us for forcing them to confront themselves in the mirror, a responsibility they abdicated in favor of blaming us. They blamed us for tearing our marriages apart for no reason, because they weren’t gay! They blamed us for splitting up our families when we couldn’t tolerate any more lies, any more gaslighting, any more illicit encounters with strange men in motels or clubs or our own beds.

When our marriages disintegrated in front of our families and friends, they may have blamed us. They may have blamed us for tarnishing our husband’s or our families’ reputations. They may have blamed us for not trying to make it work and keep our families together. Ludicrous as it is, we may even have been blamed for making our husbands gay.
 And when society at large finds out we were once married to closeted gay men, we are subjected to a litany of humiliating and stigmatizing accusations. We are sneered at and blamed for not knowing our exes were gay (“Didn’t you know? Weren’t there signs?”). We are blamed for being unsupportive of our gay husbands who are seen as having overwhelming courage for coming out of the closet when the incentives for coming out finally outweighed the incentives for staying in. (How many of us have heard this accusatory query: “aren’t you glad he can finally be his true self?”). When we dared show our justifiable anger at the lies and betrayal, we were blamed for unjustified homophobia. People don’t believe us when we insist we are not angry that our husbands turned out to be gay, but because our husbands lied to us about being gay. When we insist our marriages and divorces were crazy-making and profoundly disorienting because of our husband’s hidden sexuality, we are asked, “Aren’t you relieved he didn’t leave you for another woman?” When we were enraged at the years stolen from us, enraged at being used as our husband’s closet, enraged at being used as brood mares so they could have children, we are blamed for being bitter, lonely, and pathetic ex wives. When we feel our lives were commandeered and our marriages were fraudulent, when we feel robbed of an authentic partnership with romantic love and mutual sexual pleasure and intimacy, when we feel violated because we did not consent to being in a mixed orientation marriage, when we question our entire realities, we are blamed for being crazy, for overreacting, for being angry (something women are not supposed to be in our society). In short, we are blamed for blaming our husbands. When we dare insist that our lives were not for sale, and that our husbands be held responsible for their lies of omission, we are blamed for not giving our closeted husbands a pass for lying because of societal homophobia: “How can you blame him for hiding in a marriage when society is so dangerous for gay people?” As if we should have happily volunteered to sacrifice our lives. While cultural homophobia is real and insidious, it does not entitle a persecuted human being to use another human being as a human shield. And when, years down the road, we still struggle with depression, anxiety and PTSD, when we are still in therapy or still struggling to trust men again, we are blamed for not moving on, for not getting over it, for not forgiving our exes soon enough.

 Yes, we straight wives know all about being blamed.

 But blame is not the same as responsibility. And in responsibility, lies power. Let me explain. In my own recovery, I had to work long and hard to parse through the tangled psychological web of my ruined marriage and decide what I was and was not responsible for. In therapy, I realized I was responsible for choosing my ex husband. He fit into a pattern of abusive men that was part of my own karma, a pattern that commenced with my father and that I continued for a time with heterosexual men after I was divorced. I was also responsible for waking up to that pattern, and I am now responsible for choosing better men in my life. And I was responsible for not knowing myself well enough to realize that my ex, gay or straight, was not a good match for me compatibility wise. I mistook our common interests (antiques, gardening, cooking) for compatibility. In truth, I needed to pay attention to what kind of man he was, and if his words matched his behavior, and if who he was (a conservative, risk-averse homebody) fit with who I was (an adventurous, passionate wild-child). I also had to learn to have compassion for my 21-year-old self, who didn’t know herself, who couldn’t spot his subtle misogyny and abuse, who didn’t recognize the gay red flags, and who didn’t know how to honor her instincts about him. I was also responsible for the ways in which I wasn’t a good wife, but those lapses were more the product of my youth, immaturity and superficiality, and they were minor in comparison to the “abject abuse, emasculation and neglect” my ex husband invented and blamed me for. I didn’t recognize the person he accused me of being. I knew I was no angel, but I couldn’t figure out why he thought I was such a demon by the time we divorced.

 That’s why it was equally critical for me to decide what I was not responsible for. I was not responsible for my ex husband’s sexuality. I was not responsible for his self-loathing and internalized homophobia. I never put him in the closet and I never kept him there, despite his attempts to blame me for it (when he finally came out to his second wife, he told her that he had tried to tell me that he was gay – which is a lie – but that my reaction was so rage-filled and abusive that it sent him right back into the closet and into a marriage to yet another unsuspecting woman). Those were his choices, those were his actions, those were the consequences of his decisions. Not mine.

 Not. Mine

 And not ours.

 As straight wives, it helps to get really clear about what we are and are not responsible for, and therein lies the key to taking back our own power, regardless of whether or not our ex husbands, or families, or friends, or society continue to blame us for being straight wives, and regardless of whether or not our ex husbands ever take responsibility for their own choices and lives, or for the damage they have done to ours. Responsibility is empowering, even when we do the unpleasant work of taking responsibility for our own less than perfect decisions and actions. When we own and accept those parts of our lives with compassion for ourselves, we can reject blame confidently and powerfully. When we have done our internal psychological work, and determined our core truth of what we must own, and what we simply cannot own, we have a stable piece of physiological ground to stand on. From that ground, we can better withstand the blame hurled in our direction from all directions; we can better draw our new, healthy boundaries with our exes, our families, and our friends. We can respond thoughtfully and commandingly in social situations where someone’s ignorance and prejudice lead them to misunderstand or misrepresent a straight wife’s inner experience. We can own our lives again, and we can own ourselves again. 

Thank you, Kristin, for your beautiful words that will help so many of our women. Kristin will be a guest on my radio show at the end of this month. Stay tuned!!


          Since working with women for 35 years who are going through the gay husband trauma, I have learned that one common feeling we all go through is that of SHAME.

This emotion comes about due to several different reasons that I will discuss. First, I'd like to share my own words on blame--which will lead to the shame. This is one of my first articles written in 2001. I think it is just as relevant today as ever.


I have worked with too many women who at first assume that the reason for their husbands’ homosexuality is due to something they did wrong. For those of us who have had time to work through this problem over a longer period, it is easy for us to react by saying that this thinking is ridiculous.  But try to remember when you first suspected or discovered your husband’s interest in men. Then it doesn’t seem quite as ridiculous.

When I reflect on my own inner feelings of shame during those early years, I remember feeling a great sense of responsibility. I used to play a game that most of us fall prey to. I call it the “If Only Game.” It goes like this. “If only I could be a better wife….if only I was more attractive…if only I was better as a lover…if only I was a better housekeeper, if only I wasn’t so demanding…if only I could lose more weight….if only I was smarter…if only, if only, if only…then maybe he could love me enough not to think about men.

My ex-husband was excellent at playing the other mind-twister game, which I call the “Blame Game.” After I questioned him for the first time about his sexuality two years into our marriage, he used this as an opening to play this game as his new weapon of mental torture. This is where he would come closest to revealing the truth by throwing in my face,  “If I were gay, who could blame me? After all, you are always making too many sexual demands…complaining about something…gaining weight…acting jealous…being possessive …much too demanding….all consuming…and the list went on.  Then he would end the conversation with the words I desperately wanted and needed to hear—“It’s a wonder that I’m not gay.” Whew, what a relief. I was a failure as a wife, but at least not failure enough to make him gay.
A young woman who was part of my support group recently told us that on an intellectual level she knows she didn’t make her husband gay, but emotionally she still feels that she is responsible. I often hear this in the beginning of a marriage separation. During the early stages of disclosure, it is easy to believe that we are somehow at fault for our husband’s decision to enter the gay world. Even when we can accept the news, we still can’t grasp all of the implications. We can’t figure out how our husbands were “straight enough” to marry us, make love to us (even if it wasn’t frequently or passionately), have children with us, have married lives with us but chuck it all for sex with a man. When we pass through the denial stage and accept that our husbands are gay, we still have a difficult time believing that it wasn’t something we did that drove them over the borderline and into the twilight zone of homosexuality.

What takes time for us to fully comprehend is that we had no part whatsoever in our husbands’ homosexuality. This was who they were long before we ever knew them. Some of them knew it and fought it hoping that marriage to a woman would miraculously make them straight. It can’t…and it didn’t. Others claim they honestly didn’t know it because it didn’t surface until years later. But even the late bloomers almost always felt that something was not quite right—they just didn’t think it was a sexual thing. 

Playing the “If Only Game” is a very natural part of self-questioning that all of us initially go through. The problem is that some of us keep playing, sometimes for months and even for years. This is a dangerous game if played for too long because it indicates that you have not been able to put things into perspective. It also stops you from moving ahead and trying to rebuild your life. Prolonged questioning of your failures in the marriage serve no purpose at all. If you failed at the marriage, it’s because you were in a no-win situation. You were set up for failure, not for success. Success was not an option.

If you had been in a marriage with an emotionally healthy straight man, all of your efforts of being a supportive and loving wife would have been appreciated and in fact, cherished. So don’t use your marriage with a gay husband as a map for your future relationships. If you try again with a straight man, you’ll see how different and better it can be.


The point I from this past article is that so many of us suffer with the emotion of SHAME. When you have been told year in and year out that the failures in your marriage are your failures--you feel SHAME. When you given a laundry list of reasons why your husband doesn't want to touch you--including you're "too fat," "too thin," "you're too boring in bed," and other degrading reasons too numerous to mention including the MOST degrading comment of all--"your body has a bad odor which is why I can't make love to you," you feel SHAME. When he lashes out at you that you are too needy because "all you think about is sex all of the time," you feel SHAME. When your husband keeps telling you that you are a failure not only as a wife but also as a mother, you feel SHAME. When you are constantly reminded about all of the qualities you lack by the man who married you because he loved you, you feel ASHAMED. And in the overwhelming number of women I have worked with for 35 years, this is the overriding emotion in these marriages--SHAME.

SHAME often turns into guilt. When you are blamed enough for the problems in your marriage, you move to the next emotional stage of shame, which produces the next negative emotion you face--namely GUILT. We buy into this emotional battering and start to feel guilty about a list of lies our husbands perceive about us to deflect the truth about themselves. It is so much easier for them to find fault with us--fault that doesn't exist--rather than to take responsibility for the real issue--their homosexuality.

I am stating for the record that the longer you stay in marriage to a gay man, the longer your recovering time will take. "Rewiring" your emotional state after years of being beaten down takes time. "Unwinding" the facts from the fiction of your marriage also takes time. This is why Gay Husband Recovery is unlike divorce recovery for straight couples. In those divorces, people find fault with characteristics and traits of each other. In our marriages, the fault is that we are women. There is no therapy in the world that can ever change that fact.

It truly saddens me when I hear straight wives swear that they will never look for another relationship after their marriage to a gay man. And please understand that I love the fact that some women can find happiness on their own and lead fulfilling lives. I have single friends outside my straight wives circle who live very happily alone. But my sadness comes in when I know that choice is because of the fear of rejection from being damaged so badly from their gay husbands who put the fear of blame, shame, and guilt inside their heads no matter how much they learn to understand how they were "conditioned" this way. It means that the only love a woman will know in her lifetime is the love of a gay man--which is not the love she was intended for. She will never know the feeling of true emotional intimacy. She will never know the pleasure of sexual enjoyment or understand how "making love" is different than sex for the sake of throwing her a crumb to deflect the real truth. She will never know the appreciation or her worth as a loving partner in a relationship and how all of the loving gestures she made to her gay husband--which were rejected--would be loved and appreciated by a straight husband.

This is not to say that a marriage to a straight man would be perfect--but the problems would be problems of personalities rather than sexuality. Too many of our women end up what I call "sexually mutated" from the many years of sexual rejection and verbal sexual abuse. It's so sad knowing that something so beautiful can be turned into something so ugly when SHAME is the cause of it.

Ladies, unwinding the damage takes time. Good therapy and/or coaching is often the key to a healthy restart. If you need a good therapist or coach, I have some wonderful ones that are part of this network. You never even have to leave home. Go to my website at and look for the "links" tab on my website. Or feel free to write to me and I'll provide you with information. I'm there for you--and always will be! We can get through this maze together!


After taking a short break during the summer from the radio broadcast, my newest season (season 7) started off with some dynamite guests. I am sending you the links for the shows that aired this month. You can listen at any time on your computer. Next Sunday my guest will be health coach Pamela Adams Gifford. You can listen live or anytime after the show is broadcast by going to this link:

Last week. Dr. Hooper was my guest. Here's the link:

Donna Andersen, founder of Lovefraud, was my guest to talk about Narcissism and Sociopathy. Here's a link to her show.

If you are wondering how to find evidence for your divorce case or for peace of mind, listen to Mike Garrotutte, a private investigator with wonderful tips.

I will be posting upcoming shows on my blog at Feel free to check there for programming.

Have a wonderful month, and I will be announcing our next Healing Weekend shortly. Let me know in advance in you are interested in attending this spring.

Love, Bonnie