Sunday, April 8, 2018

Bonnie Kaye's Straight Talk April 2018


BONNIE KAYE'S STRAIGHT TALK
April 2018     Volume 19, Issue 200
Bonnie’s Mantra:
LIFE WAS NEVER MEANT TO BE THIS COMPLICATED. PERIOD.
COMPUTER RADIO PODCASTS - www.blogtalkradio/bonnielkaye                                
    Live on Sunday night 8 p.m. EST or any time after the live broadcast!

NEXT HEALING WEEKEND

My next HEALING WEEKEND will be outside Washington D.C. on Saturday, April28 – Sunday, April 29. There is still time to join us. If you would like to be part of this amazing weekend, please email me at Bonkaye@aol.com and put the word “Healing” in the subject box. I will send you the details this month. There is no charge for the weekend outside of travel, lodging, and food. This is a life-changing experience for people who need help during the grieving and recovery process.


THE STRAIGHT WIVES NEW ICON - SILENT NO MORE

This is my new icon for our women. It was designed by my favorite artist, Maureen Tillman, a straight wife herself who understands suffering. It represents how so many of us have been "shut up" as we are/were being "shut down" to protect our husbands' secrets of homosexuality. In this day and age, it keeps making less sense to me that we are standing in the darkened closets abandoned by our husbands who decided to find their "authentic lives"--but not without making us promise to "keep THEIR gay secret OUR secret." As crazy as that seems, it is the case for too many of our women. You might think that in the newest established world-heard "ME TOO" testimonials of women shouting their truths to bring public awareness to their horrific plight of sexual pressuring and exploitation, our chants would also be heard. We would be yelling at the top of our lungs, "We too!!" inspired by "Me too!!"

Nope. That's not what has happened--YET. Every blue moon we get to see an article, a Youtube video, or a blog that quietly mentions STRAIGHT WIVES. In fact, we are so excited to see something that touts our cause because so little ever makes its way to the media unless it is sensationalizing those few couples who have decided that sexuality really isn't an issue in their marriages. Yes, the media loves those stories even though it doesn't represent about 97% of us, misrepresenting our nightmares.
 We're not lining the streets as activists do carrying signs talking about our plight. We're not making demands to be recognized as a group of women who have suffered words that aren't even part of the English language because those words combining our collective abuse have not even been thought of yet. And though I know you're probably tired of me bringing this  up over and over again....well--I'm sorry. I have to. Not for me--but for you.

You see, I am free. I am free because for 35 years I've been "pitching our plight."  Yes, since 1982 when I started my first in-person support group, I've been standing up and speaking out on behalf of straight wives. I took that chance and shouted out the unfairness of our situations on shows such as Oprah, Sally Jesse Raphael, and Phil Donahue before most people even heard about straight/gay marriages. Since then I did my share of documentaries for this country, Canada, and England to expose and educate the public to what we go through in our journeys of pain.

It was easy for me because I was a fighter for years before this battle. Fighting injustice in a meaningful way is what my life was about--even if it wasn't the conventional way. Maybe it's because I'm a Libra that everything in the world needs to be in balance. Maybe if I were born a month earlier or later it would have been different--I'll never know! But I didn't hesitate to ask people to support us in our plight to let gay men know that it is NOT okay to marry a straight woman, and even less okay to keep that secret from her while you're out there doing your gay sex thing.

Back then, the battle was more difficult. We didn't have the internet nor the information that we have today. In the 1980's, people questioned me on how I could accuse such a "macho man" like my ex-husband of being gay. I didn't get mad at them because I questioned that myself. How could he be gay? He's a martial artist who could beat people with his hands. How could he be gay? We did have sex. How do gay men have sex with women? Impossible!! By the nature of the word "gay," it meant men wanting men--not men wanting women. I knew gay men. I had gay friends. I lived in California during the 1960's when gays were prominent and out there instead of hiding. I knew gay. I also was smart enough at the time of my marriage to my gay husband to know that you can't turn a gay man "straight."

I learned that lesson years before. In California in 1968, I met a guy when I was 17 and he was 23. When I found out that he was openly gay, I said to myself, "All he needs is the love of a good woman." Yes, that's how little we knew about homosexuality back then. I fell in "puppy love" with him, and he claimed he "loved" me, but that couldn't stop him from being gay. I was smart enough to say no when he suggested we get married. I knew that love was not enough to make a relationship work with a man who couldn't stop being himself--and he knew it too.

I also had a boyfriend named Andy in high school who came out many years later. It was a short run, but we enjoyed our time together. Gay was not a topic people talked about in the mid 1960's, so I was totally clueless not even knowing anyone who was gay. When Andy sought me out 10 years later, he revealed in our conversation he was gay. I had no idea how that happened to this strapping, good-looking man. I met him in Miami Beach, Florida for a weekend. The first thing I said to him was, "I am so, so sorry that you are gay." He asked me why. I told him that it was such a hard life for someone to live the 1970's. He said he was happy with his life, and please do not to feel "sorry" for him. But I did. I didn't understand how anyone could be happy living a life where they were scorned and ridiculed. But he had no intention of getting married to a woman, and he claimed that as much as he loves women as friends, it's different than loving them as wives.

So yes, I knew gay. Or so I thought I knew it. The equation was simple:

Gay = Same Sex Attractions

Not sex with the opposite sex. It could have never been within my spectrum of knowledge back then that a gay man would even want to have sex with a woman--and certainly not a marriage with her. How little we knew. How difficult to understand. How horrible to find out. How devastating to deal with--on so many levels.

I've been telling the stories in my newsletters for 18 years. Yes, this month marks 18 years of newsletters. 18 years of telling the stories the way they are as far as affecting people living in this confusion. 18 years of spreading the word to thousands here in the U.S., Canada, Mexico, South America, Europe, Australia, China, and Africa.  18 years of "thank you" letters for shedding light in a world that was otherwise dark. 18 years of validation of everything that I speak about from straight wives, gay husbands, parents, other family members, and best friends who were caught in this mire of confusion. None of us expected the gay "wrecking ball" that would one day roll through our path and strike us down like bowling pins in a lane.

This "straight wife phenomena" is not like any situation I've ever encountered in my long life. I've never seen any group of people who have been victims that are so afraid to tell their stories to anyone. I do understand--more than you know. I see the looks that people throw us when we tell them--looks of disbelief or that we are telling lies. They question how we couldn't know after years of marriage. They question how our husbands became gay if they weren't gay when they married us. And when the gay serial marriage criminals marry women again and again, how does that make us look? It makes us look like pathetic liars. So unlike other minorities who are willing to shout out about their horrors, we just get sucked deeper into that closet that our husband finally came out of. He bolted out, but you are still stuck in there--hiding. 

He'll tell you that it is not your secret to tell. You don't have the right to announce he is gay to other people--including YOUR support system. Besides, there were other problems in the  marriage BESIDES gay. "Hardee har har" as Lippy the Lion used to say in his cartoon. Or as I tell people when they tell me jokes that aren't funny--NOT VERY FUNNY. Is your husband for real? There were other problems? Like what? You were suspicious of him while he was out there cheating on you? Like you would cry because he didn't want you near him and found you repulsive? Or maybe you didn't like the way he brought you home some sexually transmitted disease that he'll swear you gave to him and hold you accountable even though you never dreamed of cheating on him.

One thing I will say to you:

Living their lie with them is different than living their lie FOR them.

Once they leave,  you are under no obligation at any point not to tell the people who are part of your support system. You lived HIS LIE with him for 10, 20, 30 or more years. Now it's time for you to start living YOUR TRUTH. You don't have to remain in his closet hiding when he is out living his "authentic" life.

And guess what? If your family and friends want to find fault with you for staying in the marriage as long as you did or leaving it when you did, they are not part of your support system. Avoid them as much as possible because you only need people who can lift you up--not put you down. You don't need your support network dictating to you about how long it's taking you to recover. This will take a long time--no matter what. Years of peeling away your self-esteem, chiseling into your feminine spirit, and questioning your sense of sanity through "gaylighting" will be a one step at a time recovery. Let's not forget how your life will have to be rearranged. 

Join my "WE TOO" movement. If you would like to buy a beautiful tote bag with our new symbol, write to me and I'll send you the link. I carry mine wherever I go. It always is a talking piece--and we need to start talking. We need to let people know about our plight. Let this be your new mantra--WE TOO!!!!

If you like to order a carry bag from Maureen's picture, it is now available. Write to me at Bonkaye@aol.com if you would like the link to buy one. They are big, bold, and beautiful!!!

MAILBAG

The letter below comes from a young woman whose mother is part of my support network. She asked me to share her thoughts with you.

Dear Bonnie Kaye,

You do not know me. I am the daughter of a woman in your private Facebook group of Straight Wives Healing Journey. From the bottom of my heart I want to thank you for the work you do. How you wholeheartedly support these traumatized women much like my mother. If you let me I would like to give a message to these traumatized women.

"Dear beautiful women, I am a daughter of one of the wounded women in this group. My mother regularly speaks of your support. Words fail to express my love for you all. How my heart breaks for you all. I feel so sorry you all had to/are having to experience the pain of denial, betrayal, rejection, abuse, humiliation, rejection of the depth of your love as a woman. I feel so sorry that you have been/are unseen, unreceived, not understood, unloved, unsupported, unempowered and unwanted in the depth of your love as a woman.

Those that humiliate you in your pain are NOT your friends! You all deserve to be surrounded by people that Love and Care for you as you are today no matter what that looks like. Please do not allow the scarcity of loved ones to make you settle for less than you deserve. While I am not like you and obviously everyone of you has their own unique experience and way of coping I feel your pain. It is not my intention to push you. It is my intention to show my Love and Care for you as a group of beautiful wounded healing women. Please forgive me if my words impale to the sentiment of your experience.

As a woman and a daughter of a wounded healing woman like you I felt called to let you know that the problem is not you! It is unfortunately the way that the current society is build. Please be kind and gentle with yourself. Give yourself the peace and space you can to grief in any way that works for you. As women we must lift each other up and not bring each other down. Anyone that brings you down I dare you to be brave and tell them and what it touches in you. I dare you to tell them your longing, how you would like to be treated and I dare you to set your boundary when they cannot treat you with the love and respect you deserve. I will not say I understand what you are going through/have been through.

I feel only those that have actually experienced it can say so and then still it will vary. So to expect one to understand is setting yourself up for disappointment but for sure you MUST expect to Be Loved and Respected as you are, where you are at in your truth of your experience. You owe it to yourself.

Dear beautiful women my heart goes out to you. I wish you all much strength, love, warmth and care on your healing journey.

Much love, Aimée"

Thank you, Aimee, for your heartfelt words.

Next is a letter from a gay husband who asked me to share this with my readers..

Hi Bonnie,

I wrote to you back in November for help because of my torture of living life as a straight husband when in fact I am gay for my whole life. You were kind and understanding to me more so than anyone else that I went to. You didn't judge me at all. Rather, you understood my struggle and felt my pain. You also explained to me why it was so important to be honest to my wife because she was suffering even more than I was not knowing why our marriage wasn't working. I was so scared to hurt her, but you showed me how living this way was hurting her more.

I just wanted to let you know that I came out to my wife a few weeks ago. We talked and cried for six hours that day and more since then.  She said she had suspected this for several years.  We had lots of ups and downs each day, and she felt this might be the problem. She is seeing a therapist in our area for support as we go through our transition.

My wife was very understanding when I told her the truth. She didn't yell and scream like I feared. Of course, she had all the questions you said she would have. I answered her with the truth which I know was painful.

As I told you before, we have three adult children. I plan to tell them next week when they come here for the Easter holiday along with my wife so they can understand that our upcoming divorce has nothing to do with her. I never want them to think for one moment that my wife was at fault in any way. We are both committed to work through this as a family and hopefully stay friends. 

You told me during our early conversations that the best way to maintain a healthy relationship for the sake of our children is to do the right thing as far as being emotionally and financially responsible to my family. I know that may take time but I am committed to whatever it takes to help my wife transition through our separation and divorce.

Thanks for your encouragement and time. I have heard you talk about several gay men who have harassed you publicly by calling you homophobic, but I want people to know that you were the least homophobic person that I ever met. You didn't blame me, accuse me of anything negative, or make me feel worse than I already did. You spent hours of your time encouraging me to do the right thing by telling my wife the truth. You didn't even know me, but when I reached out for help in desperation, I heard from you within hours. I am forever grateful, and if anyone challenges you, your knowledge, or you compassion, know that I will always be there to defend you and tell people the truth about the real Bonnie Kaye. I would appreciate it if you share my words with your newsletter readers to let any of the gay husbands who read your letters know that there is hope for a better life when you do the right thing.

Forever grateful,
George S., MN

Thank you for your kind words, George. Please keep me updated on how things are progressing. Thank you also for doing the "right thing." xoxo




HELP FOR THERAPIST KIM MAZELLA

Kim Mazella is a therapist in Virginia who specializes in straight wives having been one. She is a wonderful advocate for us. Please take a moment to fill out her  anonymous survey below. Just post the link into your browser. Thanks!

Dear Bonnie,
 I have updated my 2016 straight spouse survey, and was wondering if you would be willing once again to share the link with your ladies? I am only looking at women with gay husbands this time (not trans), because I think some of the issues are different. 

This is a confidential, anonymous survey that looks at different aspects of the straight spouse experience. I would love it if you would post the link to get as much data as possible. I will be presenting the results at a meeting of therapists and divorce attorneys on April 27th, then plan to write up the results for publication.


Thanks and take care,

Kim Mazella,
Psychotherapist

NEW SUPPORT GROUP FORMING IN THE ATLANA, GEORGIA AREA

Last week, therapist Dr. Maggie Bonnet, joined me on my Straight Wives Talk Show. Maggie has helped a number of straight wives over the years. She is starting a support group for straight wives in the Atlanta area. If you would like to join her, please email her at this email address: maggiebonnet@petrichorcounseling.com

 

Here's a link to our show so you can listen by pasting it into your browser:

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/bonnielkaye/2018/04/02/bonnie-kayes-straight-wives-talk-show-with-dr-maggie-bonnet

 

The week before, we had such an inspirational therapist, Bill Martin, from Chicago, Illinois, join our broadcast. Enjoy with the link below:

 

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/bonnielkaye/2018/03/19/bonnie-kayes-straight-wives-talk-show-with-therapist-bill-martin
Have a wonderful month!
Love, Bonnie

Wednesday, February 14, 2018

Bonnie Kaye's Straight Talk February 2018


BONNIE KAYE'S STRAIGHT TALK
FEBRUARY 2018     Volume 18, Issue 189
Bonnie’s Mantra:
LIFE WAS NEVER MEANT TO BE THIS COMPLICATED. PERIOD.
COMPUTER RADIO PODCASTS -         www.blogtalkradio/bonnielkaye                                     Live on Sunday night 8 p.m. EST or any time after the live broadcast!

NEXT HEALING WEEKEND

My next HEALING WEEKEND will be outside Washington D.C. on Saturday, April28 – Sunday, April 29. If you would like to be part of this amazing weekend, please email me at Bonkaye@aol.com and put the word “Healing” in the subject box. I will send you the details this month. There is no charge for the weekend outside of travel, lodging, and food. This is a life-changing experience for people who need help during the grieving and recovery process.

VALENTINE'S DAY - AGAIN--BUT A CHANCE FOR A BETTER ONE AHEAD!!

It's that time of the year again. The day that symbolizes LOVE. Love with a soulmate, lover, or loving husband. It's the day that so many of our women struggle with because they have lost their feminine spirit from living with or having lived with a gay man. But even so, we're human, and the smallest glimmer of false hope (that many of us live(d) with) that has been pushed to the back of our psyche, somehow magically pops up that day like daisies at a gravesite.

This is the day that many of us fantasize will make up for the other 364 days of nothingness when it comes to intimacy, affection, and well....sex. So many of our women hang their hopes on this day thinking that it will be the game changer.
Sadly, the game doesn't change--well, if it does, it's just a downhill spiral of being kicked down the steps one bounce at a time--sort of like the metal slinky toy. There's an old saying my father taught me at an early age--"Big Expectations Lead to Big Disappointments," and trust me, there are sure lots of disappointed straight women out there on this day. And yes, I WAS one of them.

I say WAS because now I can say the word in the past. It's been many years since my feelings of inadequacy on this holiday due to my ex-husband's rejection have hovered over me. But you never forget even after you think you have forgotten. There's that little trigger to remind you--namely Post Traumatic Stress--which pops up to greet you on February 14th of each year. Yes, there is no limit to the length of time cruelty takes to vanish. It isn't quite the simple, "Get over it," that people keep thinking and later start saying when they think you're taking much too long to heal. By the way, as a side note, that is a major reason why many women with gay husbands are shoved deeper into the closet when they discover they are married to a man who just isn't "straight."

Yes, I say, "Just isn't straight," because I am personally tired of having to defend myself on the terminology I choose to use--namely the word GAY. I told you last month about my own personal scale of straight or not. That includes the "asexuals," "addict sexuals," "bisexuals," "consexuals," (confused sexuals) "denysexuals," "experimentsexuals" (those who like to experiment), "pansexuals," "homosexuals," and "metrosexuals," "transgender," and "transsexuals." Actually, it includes anything that is a prefix that doesn't start with "HETERO." Not hetero--NOT STRAIGHT. Period. Look, in all fairness, if the LGBTIA etc. can keep expanding due to "inclusiveness," and so can I based on THEIR definitions--even if I don't understand them all. Mine is so much simpler--NOT STRAIGHT. It covers the wide spectrum of sexual differences. And there is no shame being directed in any way to anyone who is sexually different. I hope you learn to embrace yourself, accept yourself, and come to terms with yourself rather than keep punishing some loving woman by making her think that there is something wrong with her for not wanting to live this way. How many of us remember these famous words?

It's not my problem. You're the one with a problem.

Yes, this is the beginning of the great mental beating down of almost every straight wife who lives with a husband who can't be honest with her for fear of losing what he is protecting the most--namely HIMSELF. But that's another subject for another day.

However, I do like to stay timely and relevant, so let me say a word or two about acceptance. Over the past six months, a movement has become prioritized in our society called "ME TOO." This movement started as a result of sexual victimization of women through harassment--ranging from sexual pressure to sexual violence and rape-- who wanted their voices to be heard. They wanted those years of silence to become resounding as they told their stories one by one in long lines that couldn't be stopped. Some women waited 40 years to tell their stories--but they stood up and were validated. These brave women ranging from actresses to young girls who became our Olympic champions raged with indignation against their predators and let the world know that they women were no longer going to live with the shame of sexual abuse.

I suggest that "WE TOO" be the adopted slogan for straight wives starting on this holiday. Rather than hide in the emptied closets of our husbands for fear of public shame or ridicule that we are forced to live with under people's snickering of, "How didn't she know?" or "He wasn't gay when he married her," why can't we shout out those words? "WE TOO" shows the world that we were also victims and not volunteers. Some of you lingered in abusive marriages for 5, 10, 15, 20, 25, 30, 35, 40 and longer years of alienation, degrading, manipulating, sexual rejection, loss of self-esteem, and gaylighting. Some of you were held hostage through mind beating by insensitive narcissists who knew how to love-bomb you only to drop a bomb on you. Even the nicest of gay husbands--and I do know some of them who have become close friends of mine--took from you what you deserved--the right to be in a "straight" marriage.

The "WE TOO" movement includes millions of us in this country and millions more around the world. Gay men who marry us later tell us that they did it because they were "victims of society." And I do get it. I understand what it's like to be a victim. But that doesn't give a man the right to bring someone into his life to avoid or hide it from the public by grabbing some loving, innocent woman into the same trap he is trying to escape from. In the end, he just feels "double trapped" by society--and now YOU. He views you as the jail keeper. You are the one keeping him from happiness. He has to try to make you happy which once again comes back to his greatest fear--performing the role of a "straight" husband. It doesn't make him love you more; it only makes him resent you more. These men think they are setting themselves free from the judgment of society, when in fact, they are now more miserable than ever. And who gets the brunt of it? WE DO. That's we have to stand together as straight sisters and say, "WE TOO!!!" Sadly, we are a huge minority, and yet no one is hearing our cause because we are the voice of SILENCE.

I don't know any group that I can think of that feels so isolated as we do. While others are out there demanding their rights through having their voices being heard in the media, on television, in marches and pride parades, we are huddled in the back of the empty closets afraid to raise our hands to unite ourselves and let the world know that we are out there. We should feel no shame about being a straight wife. I am not looking for people to feel sorry for us, but rather to display the empathy and understanding that is so much missing from this issue. It can only change when we decide to have our voices heard and move out of the closet into the world while saying, "WE TOO!"

Saying those words will help you feel validated and a victor instead of a victim. When we don't have to be afraid of people knowing our truth--and YES--it is our truth to tell--it is validating--not negating our stories. We don't have to stand in that closet anymore--we can take a hammer and nails and board it up for good so that we don't have to retreat back to it. Bottom line--start loving yourself enough or even more on this Valentine's Day so that you can keep moving "straight ahead" for all of your future ones. Love to all of you from ME on this special day of love.


FROM THE VAULT ON VALENTINE'S DAY

The following article is from a newsletter published over 15 years ago. The message is still powerful, so please read it.


HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY--NOT


         In the past, I have written about the difficulty that straight wives have during the holiday season. It is not uncommon for depression to set in somewhere around Thanksgiving and continue right through the New Year. During that six-week period, there are three holidays that revolve around family happiness and unity, something most of us are missing.
          
        While we get caught up in the preparation for these holidays, we can’t help but to feel an emotional letdown when they actually take place. We know what they represent, and yet, we never feel the wonder and joy of what the holidays represent that others are feeling. We go through the motions waiting for the emotional impact to kick in, but when it doesn’t, that’s when the depression sets in.
          
       And now, just as we start to get back to our “normal” existence state of mind to cope in our relationships, we are once again brought down by the most hurtful holiday of all—Valentine’s Day. This is the day that exemplifies love and romance. It’s hearts and flowers all the way. It’s the day that symbolizes what being in love is all about. It’s a day where two people who love each other take the time to stop and think about that love and to remember how it feels to be “in love” even if some of the passion has faded through the years.

        If you are the wife of a gay man, this is a day that really hurts. This day, more so than all of the other holidays, is a slap of reality about your marriage. You see, on the other holidays you can cover yourself with a veil of illusion because they are family holidays. Whatever you are lacking in your marriage can be compensated for through your children and other family members. But Valentine’s Day is different. It’s about the two of you. And no matter how you justify it by thinking it’s a day of love in general, it’s not. Yes, you can buy Valentine’s Day cards for your son or daughter, mother and father, co-workers and friends to try to make it better. But there’s really no escaping what it really is—a holiday for lovers.

        The reason why this holiday in so painful is because it is upfront and personal and right in your face. No matter how you try to avoid dealing with the reality of living with a gay husband on a day-to-day basis and lull yourself into a false sense of security, Valentine’s Day reminds you of the lie you are living with the man whom you fell in love with and married in good faith. It’s a reminder of everything that you were supposed to have but were cheated from having. And the man who robbed you of your dreams is still lying in bed next to you. Each morning when you wake up with him next to you, it’s one more day of living a lie.    

Now the lie wasn’t your lie to start with—it’s his lie. But it has become your lie because you’re living it with him. You’re going through the motions of what marriage is supposed to be, but it’s falling way short of what your intentions were when you made that commitment at the altar Your husband, who promised to love and cherish you through sickness and health ‘til death do you part, never mentioned that he would never be able to love you the way you needed to be loved. In fairness, maybe he didn’t know that he wouldn’t be able to do it. No doubt, he was hoping that he could pull it off. And I’ll even go so far as to say that maybe he didn’t come to terms with the fact that he was gay on that life-changing day. But in almost all cases he knew he was having conflicting feelings. He knew something was off even if he couldn’t figure out that it was homosexuality.

Even when I speak to gay men who tell me that they honestly didn’t believe that they were gay, or hadn’t acted on those impulses prior to marriage, they still knew looking or thinking about men sexually aroused them. And even if they still couldn’t come to terms with that, they knew when they stopped making love to you early in the marriage that they were not attracted to you because you were a woman. But they kept quiet because they were afraid if they told you their secret, you may blow it for them. You might pull away their security blanket leaving them vulnerable and feeling naked. It wasn’t always an easy choice for them to keep lying to you, but it was easier than telling the truth.

So to those of you who are living in one of the many situations that bring us all together under this umbrella of commonality, let me personally wish you a Happy Future Valentine’s Day. Believe me, it can happen to you just like it happened to me. This is a day I celebrate in a big way. It’s a day that makes me happy because I have a man whom I am in love with. He makes my heart flutter and my knees still get shaky when we touch—and that’s after eight years. I don’t say that to brag, but rather to let you know how life was meant to be. You were meant to have a man who can love you and make love to you. You were meant to meet someone who would cherish you and treat you as if you were the most important part of his life. The fact that you were sidetracked doesn’t mean that you are doomed forever. It is never too late to find the happiness you are seeking as long as you don’t give up hope. And even if you don’t want to think about falling in love, at least think about not living in an abusive situation. Work on loving yourself enough to move away from a man who is not your soulmate but who is destroying your soul instead, one layer at a time.

Go out and buy yourself a giant box of chocolates. Enjoy each one of them as you remember how sweet life is supposed to be and how wonderful it will be once you remove yourself from a disastrous situation.


MUCH LOVE,

Bonnie


Monday, January 15, 2018

BONNIE KAYE'S STRAIGHT TALK - JANUARY NEWSLETTER 2018

BONNIE KAYE'S STRAIGHT TALK
JANUARY 2018     Volume 18, Issue 188
Bonnie’s Mantra:
LIFE WAS NEVER MEANT TO BE THIS COMPLICATED. PERIOD.
COMPUTER RADIO PODCASTS - www.blogtalkradio/bonnielkaye       
Live on Sunday night 8 p.m. EST or any time after the live broadcast!


ON DR. KINSEY

It's interesting. In my last newsletter, I wrote about the confusion of the Kinsey Scale of Human Sexuality. Over the years I often thought to myself, "What kind of man could possibly come up with a scale with so many ridiculous categories when it could be as simple as "straight" or "not straight?" How much thought would that have taken?
After the article last month, one of my readers was kind enough to send me some very interesting information about the famous--or shall I say infamous--Dr. Kinsey. The information was beyond interesting--it was chilling. In fact, I'll say downright frightening. After doing some serious research with lots of confirmation information, here's what I learned about this "doctor" of perversion.

This was the information she shared:

"Quote from New York Times book review of his biography: “Kinsey presented himself to the world as a scientist and a conventional husband and father -- Professor Kinsey, whom even his wife called Prok. It was an essential disguise for a man exploring controversial territory, but he was in fact far more complex. James H. Jones, a historian at the University of Houston, reveals in this rich, awkward biography that Kinsey was energetically bisexual -- Jones says ''homosexual'' despite Kinsey's continuing sexual relationship with his wife -- and a serious masochist. Kinsey also organized group sex among his senior staff, their spouses and outside volunteers, which he observed and had filmed, evidently to condition his investigators to their work and bond them together under his paternal authority as well as to record sexual behavior directly.”
Kinsey was bisexual and, as a young man, would punish himself for having homoerotic feelings. He and his wife agreed that both could have sex with other people as well as with each other. He himself had sex with other men, including his student Clyde Martin.
After receiving this information, I went online to research more about Kinsey. I never believed a man who was "straight" would ever come up with a 7-point scale of sexuality. In fact, I asked 11 of my straight male friends how they felt about the scale--and they laughed. A few if then snickered. But none of them bought it. And these were men who weren't homophobic in any way--but they were straight. I asked three of my gay male friends about their thoughts about Kinsey, and they didn't buy it either. They claimed you are or you're not--and if you're are, you can pretend you're not--but you are. They also believed that it was "yes" or "no."
But getting back to the research--there were some controversies that many of us did not know about. This information was found in a number of sources on the Internet. According to one column that quoted Kinsey expert Dr. Judith Reisman from her book Sex, Lies, and Kinsey:
          Kinsey solicited and encouraged pedophiles, at home and abroad, to sexually violate from 317 to 2,035 infants and children for his alleged data on normal “child sexuality.” Many of the crimes against children (oral and anal sodomy, genital intercourse and manual abuse) committed for Kinsey’s research are quantified in his own graphs and charts.
          “Table 34” on page 180 of Kinsey’s “Sexual Behavior in the Human Male” claims to be a “scientific” record of “multiple orgasm in pre-adolescent males.” Here, infants as young as five months were timed with a stopwatch for “orgasm” by Kinsey’s “technically trained” aides, with one four-year-old tested 24 consecutive hours for an alleged 26 “orgasms.” Sex educators, pedophiles and their advocates commonly quote these child “data” to prove children’s need for homosexual, heterosexual and bisexual satisfaction via “safe-sex” education. These data are also regularly used to “prove” children are sexual from birth.

          The man heralded with enthusiasm by mainstream publications such as Time and Life Magazine was nothing less than a monstrous facilitator of child-rape. In fact, he even went so far as to record children shrieking and thrashing in pain, passing out and convulsing as the result of the hellish abuse he was putting them through, as evidence of “orgasm”—especially for children who could not yet speak.
I find this information highly disturbing--and this was the tip of the iceberg of accusations against Kinsey. To find this man a "credible" source of reason has been totally tossed off my list of any credibility after reading how his research was conducted and who it was conducted with. Of course, Kinsey had a defense for all of the accusations including that he only interviewed one pedophile for his research, and not the 9 he stated in the book. So does the information of 1 pedophile serve as credible information? Actually, does the information from 100 pedophiles make a difference when they talk about the age when a child is having an orgasm? So this sadistic pervert won't be noted in any more of my writings. And those who use his "scales" as proof need to rethink their source of "misinformation."

WHERE I STAND...AGAIN

Each month when I post my newsletter on my blog, I have a a number of responses. Most people I hear from truly appreciate my words; however, a few do not. They challenge me and question my credibility, and I try to respond honestly based on my years of experience (nearly 35 years) and the thousands of people I have worked with during that time.
Is my way the only way? Of course not. I never say I speak for everyone in the whole wide world--just for those who are experiencing the pain that I experienced from being married to a gay husband. I never tell people what they "have to do" or "should do" if they want to do something totally different than what I believe is right. In fact, I always try to find extra resources for them so they can meet others who feel as they do.
One man wanted me to post these and other challenging remarks on my blog, but I didn't accept the comments because my blog is not a dispute board. However, I did tell him I would discuss his feelings in my upcoming newsletter with my response. Here is what he had to say and my response:

Chip has left a new comment on your post "GAY MEN DON'T THINK STRAIGHT!!":

Though it may come as a shock to her, Bonnie Kaye does not have the self-righteous monopoly on this issue. I am another example of where her myopic world view misses the mark.

I was a husband, am a father, and my ex-wife's discovery of my same-sex inclinations resulted in the break up my marriage and family. It devastated my ex-wife -- as it did me. We are now trying to get on with the new "normality".

In the months following my wife's discovery of my reality (and my simultaneous discovery of a fledgling affair of her own), I felt like I was at ground zero of a bomb blast, yet somehow survived. I began searching for clarity on both my side of the situation as well as my ex-wife's.

I know I can't speak for many other men in this situation, but in my case, I am, without doubt, predominantly attracted to females in all aspects (physically, sexually, emotionally, spiritually). My same sex interest is, and always has been, fairly limited in scope due to its origins and has proven to be much better in "theory" than in "practice". According to Bonnie Kaye and her ilk, however, this is not possible. I must be deluding myself and am simply in denial. If I followed her advice, accepted "reality", and lived as a gay man, it would be an absurd disaster (but great material for a sitcom). I would make a pathetic partner for some poor gay dude. I would always be instinctively checking out the women and secretly watching female porn. It wouldn't be long before that poor soul would be accusing me of being "straight in denial" and merely using him as a "draeb" (that would be "beard" beard spelled backwards). But to Bonnie, I am a unicorn. I do not exist. I am a "GHID". Am I 100% straight? Hell no, and I'm perfectly fine with that. What I find ridiculous is being told repeatedly, by ill-informed people, that the world is binary when it simply is not. "If you ain't straight, you're GAY!" Yea, right.

I have spent hours reading the stories of women who have been in the shoes of my ex-wife and I have become increasingly sympathetic to their plight. The storied are heart-wrenching. Meanwhile, I am empathetic to the silent counterparties in these stories -- the men who made very bad choices and hurt the people in their lives. Reading much of the commentary here, and reading/listening to Bonnie Kaye and her ilk would have me believe that I am an incorrigible piece of self-delusional, "narcissistic" piece of crap beyond any hope of self-discovery and self-improvement. Certainly some of these men are very bad and abusive men, but the majority are probably guys like me: generally well-meaning, non-abusive guys who made horrible choices that they deeply regret and who are trying to find a way to put their lives back together just as their ex-wives are trying to do.

Sure, there are many guys who really would prefer to live a gay life but chose otherwise when they married a woman and these guys certainly should move on with the life suited to them. But, for those of us that move on and find a new girlfriend or wife, we are just accused of hiding behind another "beard", when in fact, being with a woman in all respects is the most natural thing we know.

I am not defending my actions of breaching the trust of my ex-wife. That was my failure. That I truly regret. That I own. I have learned some tough lessons and it will not happen with my new wife. My need to unfulfilling explore fantasies is nowhere near my need to live with integrity in the best way that I can. I have learned very painfully that it is not worth it - at least for me.

I imagine Bonnie Kaye she has helped some people and may have some valid perspectives, but the bitterness, ire, inaccuracy, and self-contradiction of her relentless invective create a cacophony of distraction when what is most needed is clarity.

          Chip, I do acknowledge your pain. I also acknowledge that you do not consider yourself gay. And Chip, I am not saying that you are gay. More importantly. what I think should have no bearing on your thinking. I respect your feelings and appreciate your story. I know there are men who struggle greatly in their lives with sexual issues, and I don't mean to minimize them in any way. I do know there are men who don't want to live a "gay life" as you call it, nor do I proclaim to have all of the answers. I do know this--there are some women who truly don't care if their husbands have had previous pr present experiences or fantasies with men because they don't feel it affects them or their relationships. But I hope you can understand that there are women--the overwhelming majority of them in situations such as this--who don't feel that way and don't want to even consider a marriage with a man in this situation--and that's okay too. The important thing in life is to find someone who can be your soulmate in every sense. Be honest with her ahead of time so it won't be an issue later on.
          As for me, my life moved on to a wonderful place. I found my soulmate 24 years ago, and I am not bitter over my marriage to my ex-husband who died in October of this past year. We made our peace long ago, and he gave me a wonderful gift before he passed away--the gift of truth including repeated sincere apologies for hurting me first on his own through our 39 year journey and then with some psychotic people who believed they could destroy me and my work. However, I do get angry for the misfortunes of so many of the people I work with--both straight wives and gay husbands--whose lives are thrown so totally off track because of this issue.
          Chip, I hope you find someone who can love you as you deserve to be loved. That's my wish for you. I won't be debating you, but I'm more than happy to have you write to me any time you need support. I will be there for you!

With hope for your happiness,
Bonnie


ADA ADVOCATE PROFESSIONAL - A GREAT OPPORTUNITY FOR YOU

Dr. Karin Huffer is an amazing family therapist who is an adjunct professor at the renowned John Jay University. She conducts an online course to get people certified as an ADA Advocate that you can access from home on your computer. Dr. Huffer states that many of us suffer from PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder) following our marriages, and PTSD is a disability that allows you to have an advocate in court helping you through the process. Most of us do not understand how to work through the court system during our divorces. We are nervous at best, and often don't understand what is being said with legal jargon. Your lawyer may not necessarily find it important to explain everything to you making you feel more lost and confused. An advocate can be by your side before, during, and after the case.

Two weeks ago, Dr. Huffer was the guest with my co-hostess for the show, Debra Sutton. Debra had taken the course two years ago and found it wonderful as far as helping others with advocacy who are part of our network.


 Dr. Huffer explained that an advocate ensures that the functionality of a client in a legal setting is protected under the ADAAA against all harassment, retaliation, and false accusation. Advocates act on behalf of their loved ones or clients, not by practicing law, but by arranging accommodations to offset symptoms, alerting the court to deliberate abuses, and providing much-needed support to the litigant.

A Certified ADA Advocate has completed an accredited program through John Jay College of Criminal Justice.
They can then:

• Come onto a case as a consultant and expert witness
• Review each case determining accommodations
• Arrange evaluations to assess additional needs
• Prepare a confidential request submitted to the court requesting accommodations
Anyone can apply to become a certified advocate and can practice in any state. There is no pre-education requirement to do this. Professionals in both the legal and medical fields especially benefit from certification, ensuring they are in compliance with the new ADA regulations established on 10/11/2016 as well as adding a new level of competency to their practice.
To learn more information about becoming an advocate and to sign up for the course, visit Dr. Huffer's website at:
https://equalaccessadvocates.com/
To hear Dr. Huffer's show with the information of how you can start this career, here is a link to our show:
http://www.blogtalkradio.com/bonnielkaye/2018/01/01/bonnie-kayes-straight-wives-talk-show-with-ada-specialist-dr-karin-huffer
For those of you who are either looking to enter the workforce or add on to your professional skills, this is an excellent opportunity to make extra income for your family. There is a new online course starting in a few weeks, so visit the site now to sign up!

MAILBAG

Dear Bonnie,

          I wanted to circle back to close the loop on my 11 year journey with you.  To summarize the story I wrote as "Anne" in Straight WIves, Shattered Lives (Vol 2), I discovered images that my husband had looked at online, confirming my suspicions of many years that he had interests in men as well as women.  Although I tried to persuade you that my situation was different than any of the other 30,000 or so stories you had heard, you stood firm.  I eventually came around to realizing that I needed to end my sham of a marriage but it took 10 years to execute. 

The wisdom you generously shared through 1 on 1 emails, even a phone call, your monthly newsletters, and my participation in one of your weekend workshops have all been instrumental in my moving through divorcing a narcissist and keeping my sanity.  The stories of women finding true love the second time around kept me going all of those years.  So when I left my marriage in January 2016, I prepared myself to be miserable for two years.  In fact, I wasn't ever unhappy, although sometimes lonely.  After having given up on internet dating (not much out there for a 57 year old slightly overweight woman, right?), cupid struck!  I was out of town for a contra dancing weekend.  As I arrived and sat down to put on my dance shoes, I saw a guy from my hometown contra dance making a beeline for me from "across the crowded room." From that moment on, we've been basically inseparable.  We became intimate immediately after returning home from the dance, though the opportunities are somewhat limited as i’m a nearly full time single parent. However, last weekend, we traveled together to a dance in another city while my daughter was with her dad. 

Everything you and your readers have ever said about sex with a man who doesn’t like dicks is absolutely true. We missed half of the dance weekend because we didn’t want to leave the hotel room.  We are both crazy in love. I know this may be only a rebound for me, but time will tell. In the meantime, I’m experiencing what it feels to be truly loved vs put on a pedestal by a narcissist who sees his “loved ones” as merely means to an end.  I feel like the sexiest, most beautiful woman alive when I'm with him. 

 So to you, Bonnie, and to your community of readers, stay strong and THANKS! 
Ann

Recent radio shows:

If you haven't heard Dr. Margalis Fjelstad's program about healing after living with a narcissist, put this link in your browser:

Dr. Fjelstad has two wonderful books out that you can find at Amazon or BN. Members of my support network tell me that these books are LIFE SAVING!!!!


                             
Have a peaceful and loving month.

Love, Bonnie