Wednesday, February 14, 2018

Bonnie Kaye's Straight Talk February 2018

FEBRUARY 2018     Volume 18, Issue 189
Bonnie’s Mantra:
COMPUTER RADIO PODCASTS -         www.blogtalkradio/bonnielkaye                                     Live on Sunday night 8 p.m. EST or any time after the live broadcast!


My next HEALING WEEKEND will be outside Washington D.C. on Saturday, April28 – Sunday, April 29. If you would like to be part of this amazing weekend, please email me at and put the word “Healing” in the subject box. I will send you the details this month. There is no charge for the weekend outside of travel, lodging, and food. This is a life-changing experience for people who need help during the grieving and recovery process.


It's that time of the year again. The day that symbolizes LOVE. Love with a soulmate, lover, or loving husband. It's the day that so many of our women struggle with because they have lost their feminine spirit from living with or having lived with a gay man. But even so, we're human, and the smallest glimmer of false hope (that many of us live(d) with) that has been pushed to the back of our psyche, somehow magically pops up that day like daisies at a gravesite.

This is the day that many of us fantasize will make up for the other 364 days of nothingness when it comes to intimacy, affection, and So many of our women hang their hopes on this day thinking that it will be the game changer.
Sadly, the game doesn't change--well, if it does, it's just a downhill spiral of being kicked down the steps one bounce at a time--sort of like the metal slinky toy. There's an old saying my father taught me at an early age--"Big Expectations Lead to Big Disappointments," and trust me, there are sure lots of disappointed straight women out there on this day. And yes, I WAS one of them.

I say WAS because now I can say the word in the past. It's been many years since my feelings of inadequacy on this holiday due to my ex-husband's rejection have hovered over me. But you never forget even after you think you have forgotten. There's that little trigger to remind you--namely Post Traumatic Stress--which pops up to greet you on February 14th of each year. Yes, there is no limit to the length of time cruelty takes to vanish. It isn't quite the simple, "Get over it," that people keep thinking and later start saying when they think you're taking much too long to heal. By the way, as a side note, that is a major reason why many women with gay husbands are shoved deeper into the closet when they discover they are married to a man who just isn't "straight."

Yes, I say, "Just isn't straight," because I am personally tired of having to defend myself on the terminology I choose to use--namely the word GAY. I told you last month about my own personal scale of straight or not. That includes the "asexuals," "addict sexuals," "bisexuals," "consexuals," (confused sexuals) "denysexuals," "experimentsexuals" (those who like to experiment), "pansexuals," "homosexuals," and "metrosexuals," "transgender," and "transsexuals." Actually, it includes anything that is a prefix that doesn't start with "HETERO." Not hetero--NOT STRAIGHT. Period. Look, in all fairness, if the LGBTIA etc. can keep expanding due to "inclusiveness," and so can I based on THEIR definitions--even if I don't understand them all. Mine is so much simpler--NOT STRAIGHT. It covers the wide spectrum of sexual differences. And there is no shame being directed in any way to anyone who is sexually different. I hope you learn to embrace yourself, accept yourself, and come to terms with yourself rather than keep punishing some loving woman by making her think that there is something wrong with her for not wanting to live this way. How many of us remember these famous words?

It's not my problem. You're the one with a problem.

Yes, this is the beginning of the great mental beating down of almost every straight wife who lives with a husband who can't be honest with her for fear of losing what he is protecting the most--namely HIMSELF. But that's another subject for another day.

However, I do like to stay timely and relevant, so let me say a word or two about acceptance. Over the past six months, a movement has become prioritized in our society called "ME TOO." This movement started as a result of sexual victimization of women through harassment--ranging from sexual pressure to sexual violence and rape-- who wanted their voices to be heard. They wanted those years of silence to become resounding as they told their stories one by one in long lines that couldn't be stopped. Some women waited 40 years to tell their stories--but they stood up and were validated. These brave women ranging from actresses to young girls who became our Olympic champions raged with indignation against their predators and let the world know that they women were no longer going to live with the shame of sexual abuse.

I suggest that "WE TOO" be the adopted slogan for straight wives starting on this holiday. Rather than hide in the emptied closets of our husbands for fear of public shame or ridicule that we are forced to live with under people's snickering of, "How didn't she know?" or "He wasn't gay when he married her," why can't we shout out those words? "WE TOO" shows the world that we were also victims and not volunteers. Some of you lingered in abusive marriages for 5, 10, 15, 20, 25, 30, 35, 40 and longer years of alienation, degrading, manipulating, sexual rejection, loss of self-esteem, and gaylighting. Some of you were held hostage through mind beating by insensitive narcissists who knew how to love-bomb you only to drop a bomb on you. Even the nicest of gay husbands--and I do know some of them who have become close friends of mine--took from you what you deserved--the right to be in a "straight" marriage.

The "WE TOO" movement includes millions of us in this country and millions more around the world. Gay men who marry us later tell us that they did it because they were "victims of society." And I do get it. I understand what it's like to be a victim. But that doesn't give a man the right to bring someone into his life to avoid or hide it from the public by grabbing some loving, innocent woman into the same trap he is trying to escape from. In the end, he just feels "double trapped" by society--and now YOU. He views you as the jail keeper. You are the one keeping him from happiness. He has to try to make you happy which once again comes back to his greatest fear--performing the role of a "straight" husband. It doesn't make him love you more; it only makes him resent you more. These men think they are setting themselves free from the judgment of society, when in fact, they are now more miserable than ever. And who gets the brunt of it? WE DO. That's we have to stand together as straight sisters and say, "WE TOO!!!" Sadly, we are a huge minority, and yet no one is hearing our cause because we are the voice of SILENCE.

I don't know any group that I can think of that feels so isolated as we do. While others are out there demanding their rights through having their voices being heard in the media, on television, in marches and pride parades, we are huddled in the back of the empty closets afraid to raise our hands to unite ourselves and let the world know that we are out there. We should feel no shame about being a straight wife. I am not looking for people to feel sorry for us, but rather to display the empathy and understanding that is so much missing from this issue. It can only change when we decide to have our voices heard and move out of the closet into the world while saying, "WE TOO!"

Saying those words will help you feel validated and a victor instead of a victim. When we don't have to be afraid of people knowing our truth--and YES--it is our truth to tell--it is validating--not negating our stories. We don't have to stand in that closet anymore--we can take a hammer and nails and board it up for good so that we don't have to retreat back to it. Bottom line--start loving yourself enough or even more on this Valentine's Day so that you can keep moving "straight ahead" for all of your future ones. Love to all of you from ME on this special day of love.


The following article is from a newsletter published over 15 years ago. The message is still powerful, so please read it.


         In the past, I have written about the difficulty that straight wives have during the holiday season. It is not uncommon for depression to set in somewhere around Thanksgiving and continue right through the New Year. During that six-week period, there are three holidays that revolve around family happiness and unity, something most of us are missing.
        While we get caught up in the preparation for these holidays, we can’t help but to feel an emotional letdown when they actually take place. We know what they represent, and yet, we never feel the wonder and joy of what the holidays represent that others are feeling. We go through the motions waiting for the emotional impact to kick in, but when it doesn’t, that’s when the depression sets in.
       And now, just as we start to get back to our “normal” existence state of mind to cope in our relationships, we are once again brought down by the most hurtful holiday of all—Valentine’s Day. This is the day that exemplifies love and romance. It’s hearts and flowers all the way. It’s the day that symbolizes what being in love is all about. It’s a day where two people who love each other take the time to stop and think about that love and to remember how it feels to be “in love” even if some of the passion has faded through the years.

        If you are the wife of a gay man, this is a day that really hurts. This day, more so than all of the other holidays, is a slap of reality about your marriage. You see, on the other holidays you can cover yourself with a veil of illusion because they are family holidays. Whatever you are lacking in your marriage can be compensated for through your children and other family members. But Valentine’s Day is different. It’s about the two of you. And no matter how you justify it by thinking it’s a day of love in general, it’s not. Yes, you can buy Valentine’s Day cards for your son or daughter, mother and father, co-workers and friends to try to make it better. But there’s really no escaping what it really is—a holiday for lovers.

        The reason why this holiday in so painful is because it is upfront and personal and right in your face. No matter how you try to avoid dealing with the reality of living with a gay husband on a day-to-day basis and lull yourself into a false sense of security, Valentine’s Day reminds you of the lie you are living with the man whom you fell in love with and married in good faith. It’s a reminder of everything that you were supposed to have but were cheated from having. And the man who robbed you of your dreams is still lying in bed next to you. Each morning when you wake up with him next to you, it’s one more day of living a lie.    

Now the lie wasn’t your lie to start with—it’s his lie. But it has become your lie because you’re living it with him. You’re going through the motions of what marriage is supposed to be, but it’s falling way short of what your intentions were when you made that commitment at the altar Your husband, who promised to love and cherish you through sickness and health ‘til death do you part, never mentioned that he would never be able to love you the way you needed to be loved. In fairness, maybe he didn’t know that he wouldn’t be able to do it. No doubt, he was hoping that he could pull it off. And I’ll even go so far as to say that maybe he didn’t come to terms with the fact that he was gay on that life-changing day. But in almost all cases he knew he was having conflicting feelings. He knew something was off even if he couldn’t figure out that it was homosexuality.

Even when I speak to gay men who tell me that they honestly didn’t believe that they were gay, or hadn’t acted on those impulses prior to marriage, they still knew looking or thinking about men sexually aroused them. And even if they still couldn’t come to terms with that, they knew when they stopped making love to you early in the marriage that they were not attracted to you because you were a woman. But they kept quiet because they were afraid if they told you their secret, you may blow it for them. You might pull away their security blanket leaving them vulnerable and feeling naked. It wasn’t always an easy choice for them to keep lying to you, but it was easier than telling the truth.

So to those of you who are living in one of the many situations that bring us all together under this umbrella of commonality, let me personally wish you a Happy Future Valentine’s Day. Believe me, it can happen to you just like it happened to me. This is a day I celebrate in a big way. It’s a day that makes me happy because I have a man whom I am in love with. He makes my heart flutter and my knees still get shaky when we touch—and that’s after eight years. I don’t say that to brag, but rather to let you know how life was meant to be. You were meant to have a man who can love you and make love to you. You were meant to meet someone who would cherish you and treat you as if you were the most important part of his life. The fact that you were sidetracked doesn’t mean that you are doomed forever. It is never too late to find the happiness you are seeking as long as you don’t give up hope. And even if you don’t want to think about falling in love, at least think about not living in an abusive situation. Work on loving yourself enough to move away from a man who is not your soulmate but who is destroying your soul instead, one layer at a time.

Go out and buy yourself a giant box of chocolates. Enjoy each one of them as you remember how sweet life is supposed to be and how wonderful it will be once you remove yourself from a disastrous situation.



Monday, January 15, 2018


JANUARY 2018     Volume 18, Issue 188
Bonnie’s Mantra:
COMPUTER RADIO PODCASTS - www.blogtalkradio/bonnielkaye       
Live on Sunday night 8 p.m. EST or any time after the live broadcast!


It's interesting. In my last newsletter, I wrote about the confusion of the Kinsey Scale of Human Sexuality. Over the years I often thought to myself, "What kind of man could possibly come up with a scale with so many ridiculous categories when it could be as simple as "straight" or "not straight?" How much thought would that have taken?
After the article last month, one of my readers was kind enough to send me some very interesting information about the famous--or shall I say infamous--Dr. Kinsey. The information was beyond interesting--it was chilling. In fact, I'll say downright frightening. After doing some serious research with lots of confirmation information, here's what I learned about this "doctor" of perversion.

This was the information she shared:

"Quote from New York Times book review of his biography: “Kinsey presented himself to the world as a scientist and a conventional husband and father -- Professor Kinsey, whom even his wife called Prok. It was an essential disguise for a man exploring controversial territory, but he was in fact far more complex. James H. Jones, a historian at the University of Houston, reveals in this rich, awkward biography that Kinsey was energetically bisexual -- Jones says ''homosexual'' despite Kinsey's continuing sexual relationship with his wife -- and a serious masochist. Kinsey also organized group sex among his senior staff, their spouses and outside volunteers, which he observed and had filmed, evidently to condition his investigators to their work and bond them together under his paternal authority as well as to record sexual behavior directly.”
Kinsey was bisexual and, as a young man, would punish himself for having homoerotic feelings. He and his wife agreed that both could have sex with other people as well as with each other. He himself had sex with other men, including his student Clyde Martin.
After receiving this information, I went online to research more about Kinsey. I never believed a man who was "straight" would ever come up with a 7-point scale of sexuality. In fact, I asked 11 of my straight male friends how they felt about the scale--and they laughed. A few if then snickered. But none of them bought it. And these were men who weren't homophobic in any way--but they were straight. I asked three of my gay male friends about their thoughts about Kinsey, and they didn't buy it either. They claimed you are or you're not--and if you're are, you can pretend you're not--but you are. They also believed that it was "yes" or "no."
But getting back to the research--there were some controversies that many of us did not know about. This information was found in a number of sources on the Internet. According to one column that quoted Kinsey expert Dr. Judith Reisman from her book Sex, Lies, and Kinsey:
          Kinsey solicited and encouraged pedophiles, at home and abroad, to sexually violate from 317 to 2,035 infants and children for his alleged data on normal “child sexuality.” Many of the crimes against children (oral and anal sodomy, genital intercourse and manual abuse) committed for Kinsey’s research are quantified in his own graphs and charts.
          “Table 34” on page 180 of Kinsey’s “Sexual Behavior in the Human Male” claims to be a “scientific” record of “multiple orgasm in pre-adolescent males.” Here, infants as young as five months were timed with a stopwatch for “orgasm” by Kinsey’s “technically trained” aides, with one four-year-old tested 24 consecutive hours for an alleged 26 “orgasms.” Sex educators, pedophiles and their advocates commonly quote these child “data” to prove children’s need for homosexual, heterosexual and bisexual satisfaction via “safe-sex” education. These data are also regularly used to “prove” children are sexual from birth.

          The man heralded with enthusiasm by mainstream publications such as Time and Life Magazine was nothing less than a monstrous facilitator of child-rape. In fact, he even went so far as to record children shrieking and thrashing in pain, passing out and convulsing as the result of the hellish abuse he was putting them through, as evidence of “orgasm”—especially for children who could not yet speak.
I find this information highly disturbing--and this was the tip of the iceberg of accusations against Kinsey. To find this man a "credible" source of reason has been totally tossed off my list of any credibility after reading how his research was conducted and who it was conducted with. Of course, Kinsey had a defense for all of the accusations including that he only interviewed one pedophile for his research, and not the 9 he stated in the book. So does the information of 1 pedophile serve as credible information? Actually, does the information from 100 pedophiles make a difference when they talk about the age when a child is having an orgasm? So this sadistic pervert won't be noted in any more of my writings. And those who use his "scales" as proof need to rethink their source of "misinformation."


Each month when I post my newsletter on my blog, I have a a number of responses. Most people I hear from truly appreciate my words; however, a few do not. They challenge me and question my credibility, and I try to respond honestly based on my years of experience (nearly 35 years) and the thousands of people I have worked with during that time.
Is my way the only way? Of course not. I never say I speak for everyone in the whole wide world--just for those who are experiencing the pain that I experienced from being married to a gay husband. I never tell people what they "have to do" or "should do" if they want to do something totally different than what I believe is right. In fact, I always try to find extra resources for them so they can meet others who feel as they do.
One man wanted me to post these and other challenging remarks on my blog, but I didn't accept the comments because my blog is not a dispute board. However, I did tell him I would discuss his feelings in my upcoming newsletter with my response. Here is what he had to say and my response:

Chip has left a new comment on your post "GAY MEN DON'T THINK STRAIGHT!!":

Though it may come as a shock to her, Bonnie Kaye does not have the self-righteous monopoly on this issue. I am another example of where her myopic world view misses the mark.

I was a husband, am a father, and my ex-wife's discovery of my same-sex inclinations resulted in the break up my marriage and family. It devastated my ex-wife -- as it did me. We are now trying to get on with the new "normality".

In the months following my wife's discovery of my reality (and my simultaneous discovery of a fledgling affair of her own), I felt like I was at ground zero of a bomb blast, yet somehow survived. I began searching for clarity on both my side of the situation as well as my ex-wife's.

I know I can't speak for many other men in this situation, but in my case, I am, without doubt, predominantly attracted to females in all aspects (physically, sexually, emotionally, spiritually). My same sex interest is, and always has been, fairly limited in scope due to its origins and has proven to be much better in "theory" than in "practice". According to Bonnie Kaye and her ilk, however, this is not possible. I must be deluding myself and am simply in denial. If I followed her advice, accepted "reality", and lived as a gay man, it would be an absurd disaster (but great material for a sitcom). I would make a pathetic partner for some poor gay dude. I would always be instinctively checking out the women and secretly watching female porn. It wouldn't be long before that poor soul would be accusing me of being "straight in denial" and merely using him as a "draeb" (that would be "beard" beard spelled backwards). But to Bonnie, I am a unicorn. I do not exist. I am a "GHID". Am I 100% straight? Hell no, and I'm perfectly fine with that. What I find ridiculous is being told repeatedly, by ill-informed people, that the world is binary when it simply is not. "If you ain't straight, you're GAY!" Yea, right.

I have spent hours reading the stories of women who have been in the shoes of my ex-wife and I have become increasingly sympathetic to their plight. The storied are heart-wrenching. Meanwhile, I am empathetic to the silent counterparties in these stories -- the men who made very bad choices and hurt the people in their lives. Reading much of the commentary here, and reading/listening to Bonnie Kaye and her ilk would have me believe that I am an incorrigible piece of self-delusional, "narcissistic" piece of crap beyond any hope of self-discovery and self-improvement. Certainly some of these men are very bad and abusive men, but the majority are probably guys like me: generally well-meaning, non-abusive guys who made horrible choices that they deeply regret and who are trying to find a way to put their lives back together just as their ex-wives are trying to do.

Sure, there are many guys who really would prefer to live a gay life but chose otherwise when they married a woman and these guys certainly should move on with the life suited to them. But, for those of us that move on and find a new girlfriend or wife, we are just accused of hiding behind another "beard", when in fact, being with a woman in all respects is the most natural thing we know.

I am not defending my actions of breaching the trust of my ex-wife. That was my failure. That I truly regret. That I own. I have learned some tough lessons and it will not happen with my new wife. My need to unfulfilling explore fantasies is nowhere near my need to live with integrity in the best way that I can. I have learned very painfully that it is not worth it - at least for me.

I imagine Bonnie Kaye she has helped some people and may have some valid perspectives, but the bitterness, ire, inaccuracy, and self-contradiction of her relentless invective create a cacophony of distraction when what is most needed is clarity.

          Chip, I do acknowledge your pain. I also acknowledge that you do not consider yourself gay. And Chip, I am not saying that you are gay. More importantly. what I think should have no bearing on your thinking. I respect your feelings and appreciate your story. I know there are men who struggle greatly in their lives with sexual issues, and I don't mean to minimize them in any way. I do know there are men who don't want to live a "gay life" as you call it, nor do I proclaim to have all of the answers. I do know this--there are some women who truly don't care if their husbands have had previous pr present experiences or fantasies with men because they don't feel it affects them or their relationships. But I hope you can understand that there are women--the overwhelming majority of them in situations such as this--who don't feel that way and don't want to even consider a marriage with a man in this situation--and that's okay too. The important thing in life is to find someone who can be your soulmate in every sense. Be honest with her ahead of time so it won't be an issue later on.
          As for me, my life moved on to a wonderful place. I found my soulmate 24 years ago, and I am not bitter over my marriage to my ex-husband who died in October of this past year. We made our peace long ago, and he gave me a wonderful gift before he passed away--the gift of truth including repeated sincere apologies for hurting me first on his own through our 39 year journey and then with some psychotic people who believed they could destroy me and my work. However, I do get angry for the misfortunes of so many of the people I work with--both straight wives and gay husbands--whose lives are thrown so totally off track because of this issue.
          Chip, I hope you find someone who can love you as you deserve to be loved. That's my wish for you. I won't be debating you, but I'm more than happy to have you write to me any time you need support. I will be there for you!

With hope for your happiness,


Dr. Karin Huffer is an amazing family therapist who is an adjunct professor at the renowned John Jay University. She conducts an online course to get people certified as an ADA Advocate that you can access from home on your computer. Dr. Huffer states that many of us suffer from PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder) following our marriages, and PTSD is a disability that allows you to have an advocate in court helping you through the process. Most of us do not understand how to work through the court system during our divorces. We are nervous at best, and often don't understand what is being said with legal jargon. Your lawyer may not necessarily find it important to explain everything to you making you feel more lost and confused. An advocate can be by your side before, during, and after the case.

Two weeks ago, Dr. Huffer was the guest with my co-hostess for the show, Debra Sutton. Debra had taken the course two years ago and found it wonderful as far as helping others with advocacy who are part of our network.

 Dr. Huffer explained that an advocate ensures that the functionality of a client in a legal setting is protected under the ADAAA against all harassment, retaliation, and false accusation. Advocates act on behalf of their loved ones or clients, not by practicing law, but by arranging accommodations to offset symptoms, alerting the court to deliberate abuses, and providing much-needed support to the litigant.

A Certified ADA Advocate has completed an accredited program through John Jay College of Criminal Justice.
They can then:

• Come onto a case as a consultant and expert witness
• Review each case determining accommodations
• Arrange evaluations to assess additional needs
• Prepare a confidential request submitted to the court requesting accommodations
Anyone can apply to become a certified advocate and can practice in any state. There is no pre-education requirement to do this. Professionals in both the legal and medical fields especially benefit from certification, ensuring they are in compliance with the new ADA regulations established on 10/11/2016 as well as adding a new level of competency to their practice.
To learn more information about becoming an advocate and to sign up for the course, visit Dr. Huffer's website at:
To hear Dr. Huffer's show with the information of how you can start this career, here is a link to our show:
For those of you who are either looking to enter the workforce or add on to your professional skills, this is an excellent opportunity to make extra income for your family. There is a new online course starting in a few weeks, so visit the site now to sign up!


Dear Bonnie,

          I wanted to circle back to close the loop on my 11 year journey with you.  To summarize the story I wrote as "Anne" in Straight WIves, Shattered Lives (Vol 2), I discovered images that my husband had looked at online, confirming my suspicions of many years that he had interests in men as well as women.  Although I tried to persuade you that my situation was different than any of the other 30,000 or so stories you had heard, you stood firm.  I eventually came around to realizing that I needed to end my sham of a marriage but it took 10 years to execute. 

The wisdom you generously shared through 1 on 1 emails, even a phone call, your monthly newsletters, and my participation in one of your weekend workshops have all been instrumental in my moving through divorcing a narcissist and keeping my sanity.  The stories of women finding true love the second time around kept me going all of those years.  So when I left my marriage in January 2016, I prepared myself to be miserable for two years.  In fact, I wasn't ever unhappy, although sometimes lonely.  After having given up on internet dating (not much out there for a 57 year old slightly overweight woman, right?), cupid struck!  I was out of town for a contra dancing weekend.  As I arrived and sat down to put on my dance shoes, I saw a guy from my hometown contra dance making a beeline for me from "across the crowded room." From that moment on, we've been basically inseparable.  We became intimate immediately after returning home from the dance, though the opportunities are somewhat limited as i’m a nearly full time single parent. However, last weekend, we traveled together to a dance in another city while my daughter was with her dad. 

Everything you and your readers have ever said about sex with a man who doesn’t like dicks is absolutely true. We missed half of the dance weekend because we didn’t want to leave the hotel room.  We are both crazy in love. I know this may be only a rebound for me, but time will tell. In the meantime, I’m experiencing what it feels to be truly loved vs put on a pedestal by a narcissist who sees his “loved ones” as merely means to an end.  I feel like the sexiest, most beautiful woman alive when I'm with him. 

 So to you, Bonnie, and to your community of readers, stay strong and THANKS! 

Recent radio shows:

If you haven't heard Dr. Margalis Fjelstad's program about healing after living with a narcissist, put this link in your browser:

Dr. Fjelstad has two wonderful books out that you can find at Amazon or BN. Members of my support network tell me that these books are LIFE SAVING!!!!

Have a peaceful and loving month.

Love, Bonnie