WHAT WOULD YOU DO?
I admit it—I am really behind on television in my life and especially shows that are current. When one of our women sent me the link to the show “What Would You Do” on ABC several weeks ago, I was totally unaware of the show. However, I watched the promo where a couple posed as married and celebrated their anniversary in a busy restaurant. The wife excused herself to go to the bathroom, and the husband’s gay lover, who was observing the couple from the bar, went over to the married man to embrace and kiss him in public. The question was, “What would you do?” Would you tell the wife her husband was smooching with another man or would you mind your own business?
I often discuss this in our support chat with women who don’t know what to do when their husbands start dating other women—and these are ex-WIVES that know the truth, not just bystanders observing. The people who responded to the ABC survey (where you can still vote at http://abcnews.go.com/blogs/entertainment/2012/01/husband-cheats-with-male-lover-would-you-tell/) are pretty evenly split with those who would tell slightly winning over those who would not because it’s “none of their business.”
Through the years, women have asked me what to do if their husbands start dating another woman. And as many of us know, some gay men will continue to date and marry women—in fact, some will do it multiple times. Should straight wives keep quiet and mind their own business? Should they confront the woman and tell her the truth about the gay husband?
Interestingly enough, many of the women I’ve discussed this with would not tell. In fact, a few years ago I did a survey here and found that to be the case. Yes—I was really surprised and didn’t expect the response I received with the large numbers of “No’s.” It was interesting to listen to the women’s reasons:
• She wouldn’t believe me anyhow.
• I had to learn the hard way—let her find out the same way.
• Someday she’ll call me and then I’ll tell her if she asks me.
• My ex will only lie, and she’ll believe him.
• It’s not my job to “out” my ex-husband.
• I don’t have concrete proof, so what could I tell her?
• I’m getting child support and alimony, so I can’t take a chance on losing it.
Hmmm—legitimate reasons? I’m not saying no. I’m just saying that I’m surprised. I say that because I know how much each and every one of us reading this newsletter truly had her life turned upside down from being married to a gay man. We know the pain. We know the emotional turmoil that we have all been through. And that’s what puzzles me. Why allow some unsuspecting woman who is most likely just like you—kind, loving, compassionate, and understanding—walk into a web of lies and deceit if you can stop it? We know the kind of gay husbands who are the “straight-gay men.” These men will continue to coast through the straight world proving themselves worthy of justifying that they are “straight guys” by marrying another woman—or women. We all know the types—and some of you are or have been married to them.
Even if the new woman wouldn’t believe you, the thought is planted in her head. Of course, these women have already been adequately brainwashed by your ex-husband about how “crazy” you are and how your mission is to destroy his life by spreading the most vicious of rumors. He’s already told her that you’ll stoop to any level to make her leave him—even telling people that he’s gay. Ha, ha. What a joke. He was married and had children, right? And now he’s engaged or married again. Ha, ha. Again. He really thinks he can keep having the last laugh. Yep, put any thoughts of the truth to rest before the new wife starts wondering if something is wrong in “her” while she is in a relationship with your gay ex-husband.
What I find ironic is that the overwhelming majority of us say that we WISH someone would have told us, and how ANGRY we feel when people tell us after-the-fact that they always knew or suspected. And yet, when we see a new woman getting ready to step into quicksand, we turn the other way and say, “Hopefully she won’t sink.” Yikes! No one walks on quicksand—sinking is the only option.
I know there are lots of emotional issues when presented with this situation. I was once in this situation myself, and it wasn’t easy to do the right thing. But in time, I couldn’t let the lie keep perpetuating itself. I couldn’t stand to see a wonderful woman suffering because she believed something was wrong with her when it wasn’t. I always tell women that if you can’t tell her, I will be happy to accept the responsibility. I will send the woman one of my books (as I have done for a few women who requested it) and tell her that she needs to read the stories. Power is knowledge. She may not want to believe it at that moment, but when things start falling apart—as they always do—she’ll know exactly why.
You can still vote in that ABC poll. Please go to that link and vote YES—tell the wife. Let people know that keeping this kind of secret is not a secret that should be kept. Remember—it’s not a matter of outing him—it’s a matter of informing a woman of something that will only create unhappiness in her life.
ONE MILLION MOMS
Recently, there was much ado in the news from a group called One Million Moms about Ellen Degeneres representing JC Penny stores in their advertising. Why? Because she is a lesbian and does not represent “family values.” I don’t know much about the organization, nor do I have any idea how many women are really part of this group that stresses Christian Family Values. It could be ten—or it could be a million. Regardless, the message is scary.
One of our straight wives, my friend Debbie in Texas, brought this to my attention when she received this letter from the One Million Moms organization:
From: OneMillionMoms [omm@afa.net]
Sent: Wednesday, February 01, 2012 10:00 AM
To: Debra xxxxx
Subject: JC Penney Offends Traditional Families Again
February 1, 2012
Dear Debbie,
Recently JC Penney announced that comedian Ellen Degeneres will be the company's new spokesperson. Funny that JC Penney thinks hiring an open homosexual spokesperson will help their business when most of their customers are traditional families. More sales will be lost than gained unless they replace their spokesperson quickly. Unless JC Penney decides to be neutral in the culture war then their brand transformation will be unsuccessful.
Their marketing strategy is to help families shop and receive a good value for their money. Degeneres is not a true representation of the type of families that shop at their store. The majority of JC Penney shoppers will be offended and choose to no longer shop there. The small percentage of customers they are attempting to satisfy will not offset their loss in sales.
JC Penney has made a poor decision and must correct their mistake fast to retain loyal customers and not turn away potential new, conservative shoppers with the company's new vision.
"Importantly, we share the same fundamental values as Ellen," said Michael Francis, president of J.C. Penney Company in a press statement. "At JC Penney, we couldn't think of a better partner to help us put the fun back into the retail experience. Moving forward, we'll be focused on being in sync with the rhythm of our customers' lives and operating in a 'Fair and Square' manner that is rooted in integrity, simplicity and respect. We're thrilled that she's joining our team to help convey the exciting transformation under way."
"They have an incredible vision for the future and are completely re-inventing themselves to become America's favorite store," said DeGeneres in a press statement.
By jumping on the pro-gay bandwagon, JC Penney is attempting to gain a new target market and in the process will lose customers with traditional values that have been faithful to them over all these years.
* UPDATE: In a previous campaign we emailed Disney Channel and requested that the film "Little Manhattan" no longer air on their channel or at the very least cut out the offensive scenes. It did not air for some time. During last night's episode on January 31, the curse word OMM was concerned about being in a children's movie on a kid's network has been edited! The 10-year-old Gabe originally said, "What the hell?!" and now the word "hell" has been edited. Instead of the obnoxious beep to bleep out the foul language, which would raise questions, it was just removed.
TAKE ACTION! Make a personal phone call to JC Penney's customer service department. Their numbers are 972-431-8200 (customer service) and 972-431-1000 (corporate headquarters).
Ask JC Penney to replace Ellen Degeneres as their new spokesperson immediately and remain neutral in the culture war.
Sincerely, Monica Cole, Director OneMillionMoms.com
Debbie sent a response to the organization that I would like to share with you.
OMM,
Please take the time to read this heartfelt email from me, one mother, to you, many mothers. I appreciate most of the notices and warnings you send out, but I believe we should give a break to the homosexual community and those who support it and this is why:
I have been married to a "devout" Christian man for almost 13 years. I recently found out that he is a homosexual. I do not know that he was out having affairs, BUT he chose to hide his true sexual orientation from me because of the shame from the church and society should he reveal his true identity. He thought he could live a normal married life and love a woman, but it turned out that he could not. No gay man can. Thousands of Christian women are unknowingly married to a gay man. These marriages cannot be normal or healthy. Wives wonder for years why their husbands cannot emotionally and sexually bond with them. They begin to feel that it is their fault and often the husbands are happy to make them think that the dysfunction is the wife's problem. Some of these men will never reveal their true identity and will keep their wives suffering for their entire married life. Most will act on their urges and have liaisons with many men, thus putting their wives in danger of contracting sexually transmitted diseases. Some will be found out and others will not. Some brave ones will decide to come out to their wives and give their wives an opportunity to leave the troubled marriage that isn't a real marriage, in my opinion, based on the foundational lie of the man's true sexual orientation. Even if the husband never strays physically in the marriage, he cannot love his wife in the way God intended because his inner desires for being emotionally and sexually intimate with a man rule his inner life. Plus he is living a lie in his church and community.
My husband works in Christian PR and is hiding the truth from all his friends, colleagues, and clients. If they ask him why his wife left, he tells them that she has mental problems, which is another lie.
The church and anti-homosexual groups are part of the cause for homosexual men hiding in marriages with unsuspecting Christian women. The children in these homes do not see normal husband and wife affection or an appropriate emotional bond between their parents. My children do not know that husbands and wives can and should be physically affectionate with each other, even in appropriate ways in front of their children. They never saw it. My husband shied away from all my physical affection until I just gave up. They also didn't see their father being "real" in emotional ways. He was always so guarded and putting on a holier than thou front. The only time he showed some emotion was to angrily, condemningly, and destructively point out to the children where I was wrong. His lifelong cover-up has made him very selfish, and lies flow easily from his lips. His favorite verse to quote is "there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus". Yet, he only quotes that verse to defend himself, not me or others. He even co-leads a men's bible study at church, and a very recent study was on integrity. Marriage and the church are favorite places to hide for homosexual men who want to pretend they are someone else. My husband claims to have been healed of his homosexuality. He says that when he was in high school and college he secretly practiced homosexuality to some extent but was healed practically over night after some years of struggling and praying. He claims to have zero temptations to be with men. Well, even Christian ex-gay ministry spokespersons claim that their "healing" is ongoing and that they constantly battle temptations and urges but must suppress them and pray through them regularly. Most of them do not believe that one's sexual orientation can completely switch from homosexual to heterosexual, and that they must constantly do battle with the flesh. Yet, these men are also almost all married to Christian women. There are many mixed messages and schools of thought about these men, but the bottom line is that women and children are hurt and are not experiencing God's intended plan for marriage, a true oneness as with Christ and the church.
My story is virtually identical to thousands of women's stories. Please research this phenomenon. If you cannot stop hounding the gay community and those who support the homosexuals who chose not to live a lie, please at least find a way to reach out to the many, many Christian women who have found or will one day find themselves married to a closeted homosexual man. The Christian resources for women in this predicament are very few. There are some very good secular sources of help, but even they are few and far between. We could use support from you and other ministries that have the topic of support for women, marriage, and family in their mission statements.
Thank you for your time. I have written you before. I would love to receive any kind of response from you on this subject.
Sincerely,
Debbie Wooding
JC Penney Offends Traditional Families Again
These Christian groups have no idea how they contribute to the problem of gays marrying straights. As you know, Bonnie, the more homophobia that is spoken, spread, and published...the more challenging it will be for gays to live freely out of the closet.
Out of the so-called one million moms of OMM, I wonder how many more children will grow up thinking they are despicable sinners if they have same-sex attractions. These moms will have to choose to either support their children or to support an organization that condemns their children.
Debbie
Thank you, Debbie, for standing up for all of us. Groups like this are dangerous to us all.
MAILBAG – Each month, I ask some of my writers if I can share their words with my readers because their impact is so strong. Feel free to share letters with our readers. No letter is printed without your permission, and it can be signed however you like.
Time to Start Thinking About ME
January 05, 2012, 14:57
So for the past almost 21 years, I have expended all my energy on my children and have enjoyed every minute of it. But now that they are getting older and figuring out what they want to do with the rest of their lives, it is finally time to start thinking about me. I've made a conscious decision to start doing things that I like to do. I've decided that I'm going to start speaking up for myself and not always give in to what other people expect of me or worry about hurting their feelings if I don't go along with what they say or want to do.
It's NOT an easy decision to follow through on, simply because I'm so accustomed to making sure everyone else is okay. Simple things such as going to a restaurant that someone else wants to go to, but I don't really feel like it, but I go along with it anyway just to appease everyone else. There are times that I don't want to go out to eat. Or times when I'd rather do something else than see a movie as if that's the only option for entertainment. Maybe I'd like to stay home and cook a meal and then dance together in our home without a certain someone finding it silly and unable to enjoy the moment in seriousness.
I have to admit, I'm experiencing some anxiety about this decision because I'm not sure where it could lead and it is completely out of my comfort zone. I know I'm going to have to come clean about some things and that's scary! But the alternative of living in sadness and depression of not being able to be my true authentic self... is worse.
My Christian views and upbringing have taught me to always put others before myself which I still agree with to some degree, however, if I'm not taking care of me...then who takes care of others when I'm at the point of burn-out, frustration and depression and can no longer help ANYONE, much less myself. I think it's more about thinking about what I really want out of life right now. Some may call it mid-life crisis, but I honestly don't care. All I know is at the end of the day, when everyone else is living their life and dealing with their own struggles and issues and enjoying their own successes and pleasures, I will be left to consider whether or not I'm happy with the choices I've made and left to deal with ups and downs of my everyday life. They will be sleeping in their beds, not even thinking about me and my & "mid-life" crisis. I prefer to see it as a defining moment. A moment when I become available to me, when I have access to me again and am able to do absolutely anything I want. It is so freeing!
I certainly don't plan on doing anything that will result in catastrophe, but I do want to LIVE again. I want to LAUGH out loud! I don't want to make mistakes, but knowing that I will, I want to be able to forgive myself and not live in guilt, self-pity, anxiety, but the forgiveness of God's grace. And I want to extend that grace to others without exception. Because I know, at any moment, I could be the one in need of forgiveness.
Star
Hi Bonnie,
First I’m raising my hand, guilty of taking too much care of everyone in my life! As you know, I am trying to think of myself and my children as the only real priorities in my life.
About the “alpha-male”….the only thing he got right is that it’s passed in the genes, I believe that. Other than that, I don’t care if he’s alpha, beta, delta or zeta…or any other Greek letter (interesting he labels himself in Greek terms, I won’t go there!) He volunteered that he’s done this to 2 women, which means he’s searching for more victims. Such CRAP! He should be castrated and publicly outted!!!! The nerve! And, he actually believes that crap that’s falling from his mouth. So similar to my ex’s posturing and like many others….we, the girls who survive were made to think we had no idea what end was up and that all was our fault.
I also agree that I was broken long before I got involved with my heinous ex…I really thought that I had made changes before we’d gotten together, but it turns out that money (or lack thereof) had nothing whatever to do with it. It is my need to please, fix and do for everyone and thinking that people I’ve been involved with have the same integrity that I do…I am very self critical, nobody yells at me better than I do.
Michael Jackson’s song “Man in the Mirror” (and I don’t usually quote him, may he rest in peace…I think his life was very tortured and likely he was guilty of many things that wouldn’t have been ignored had he not been who he was)
“I'm Starting With The Man In
The Mirror
I'm Asking Him To Change
His Ways
And No Message Could Have
Been Any Clearer
If You Wanna Make The World
A Better Place
(If You Wanna Make The
World A Better Place)
Take A Look At Yourself And
Then Make A Change(Take A Look At Yourself And
Then Make A Change)”
These lyrics resonate with me in a bi-fold manner
..I think we really have to look in our own mirror to effect any change in our lives…what in us (as women) is so broken that we accept and try to justify our spouses to others while we live in the craziness?
Secondly, our spouses…even if they loved us at the time of marriage, even if they didn’t know they were gay…none of it excuses the lies and deception or betrayal they force upon us, turning all our reality into literal lives of hell. These men (and I use the term loosely) also need to look in the mirror…take a really hard look.
The change comes from within, no matter who we are. Owning who and what we are is the first step to living authentically….gay or straight.
Narcissistic sociopathy doesn’t allow these guys to see anyone but themselves, without regard to what anyone else lives.
I think our job as survivors is to look in the mirror until we can look at ourselves with happy eyes. None of us needs to accept another “project” guy. No matter what the project is.
The guy that wrote the open apology, It’s a start…he still doesn’t understand how his behavior altered the lives of those around him…he doesn’t think he’s as bad as she thinks…yeah ok!
All my love and my gratitude!
Wanda
Thanks to all of my writers who help women in their journeys through Gay Husband Recovery.
With Love and Hope,
Bonnie Kaye, M.Ed.
www.Gayhusbands.com
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
DISTORTED PERCEPTIONS - ARCHIVES
First, I want to thank my wonderful support group member Debbie for reminding me about this article from nearly 9 years ago. On her new blog, she posted this and after reading it, I felt it was deserving of sharing it with you on my blog. I hope you find comfort in these words.
DISTORTED PERCEPTIONS, May, 2003
I’ve written about this before, and probably not too long ago. But I could never write about this enough, so I’ll talk about it again. It’s what I call “Distorted Perceptions.” It’s an important part of understanding the whole concept your marriage and why it failed.
I think I’ve gotten most of you on board with understanding that you had no influence on your husband’s homosexuality. No matter how easy it is for us to fall into the trap of believing that we were not “good enough” or “smart enough” or “pretty enough” or “sexy enough” for our husbands, I hope after reading my constant reassurances, you finally understand that your husband’s homosexuality was there long before you were.
The next concept of why your marriage failed is a little more difficult for you to understand. You are still looking at your marriage as if it takes “two to tango” as the saying goes. I often hear women say, “He made mistakes, and I made mistakes,” or “We both had faults,” Let’s acknowledge that no one is perfect. Yes, we all have faults. But it is not your “faults” that created the problems in the marriage. On the other hand, it is very possible that the problems in the marriage intensified your faults.
Example? Okay. Let’s start with me revealing to you some of the problems I had in my marriage. Because of all of the erratic behavior and inconsistencies in my marriage, I was overly suspicious of my husband’s actions. Whenever I couldn’t account for his missing time, I believed he was out cheating on me. I made an automatic search of all of his belongs when he wasn’t looking. This included all of the pockets in his clothes, his little black phone book, and his wallet. I looked in the car at the mileage gauge, looked under the seats for clues of unfamiliar items, and went through the glove compartment for any suspicious papers, matchbook covers, or receipts left behind and haphazardly thrown in there. As soon as I would find a possible incriminating piece of evidence, I would confront my husband. He would get angry and yell at me how I was neurotic and ridiculous. He always had an explanation of whatever evidence I found, and he did his best to convince me that I was the one with a “vivid” imagination that was always in the overactive mode.
From where he was sitting, I looked like the overly nagging wife. Snooping didn’t become me. But I became obsessed. Once the trust was gone, there was no way for me to regain it, especially when his patterns of suspicion continued. As much as I tried to ignore what kept hitting me in the face, I was unable to do so. As time progressed, my obsession deepened. Every time he left the house, my imagination took over and images of young men jolted out in my mind. Every guy my husband spoke to became suspect to me. My reactions to people were totally different because of this. No doubt, there were many innocent people who became victims of my unfounded hostility, but I was unable to distinguish fact from fiction because of the ones who were my realities and nightmares.
Now, my husband blamed me for overreacting to almost everything. And maybe in many cases I did. Bottom line: This was not who I was, but who I became because HE WAS GAY AND LIVING A LIE. And that lie infiltrated the darkest part of my soul turning me into someone whom I didn’t recognize or even like.
There were days when I woke up and didn’t want to live any more. This was NOT ME. The real me had a passion for life that had been temporarily snuffed out. I didn’t know it was temporary while I lived it because my life was now on another plane—somewhere between the Twilight Zone and death. I say death because on three different occasions I attempted suicide. It seemed like an excellent alternative during those moments that seemed so inescapable and hopeless. This was NOT ME either. Prior to my marriage, I was so high on life. I was active, sociable, surrounded by high self-esteem, and very independent. I turned into someone who was depressed, scared, insecure, co-dependant, and crying constantly from being hurt.
The decisions and the moves that I made during my marriage were based on the mutated perceptions inside my marriage. Before I suspected that homosexuality was the cause of my unhappiness, I came to believe that it was me who was causing the problems in my marriage. If I told my husband that our marriage had problems, he would reply, “We don’t have problems—YOU have the problem. I am happy in the marriage. YOU are the unhappy one.” Many of you have written to me that your husbands tell you the same thing. The problem is YOU—not him, not the “marriage.” And naturally, my husband, as well as yours, never looks beyond the fact that YOU have a problem, because it’s always all about them. I guess I was falling into a darker hole each day so it was easy for me to believe that I was the one with the problems. He wasn’t falling into a dark hole. He seemed content, and why not? He had a wife and a life outside his wife.
He was living his lie. And it was a big lie. Not a little white lie. Lying about your sexuality is a really very big lie. VERY BIG. What is a little lie? A little lie is taking money and buying something and not telling your spouse. A little lie is getting a couple of drinks at the bar with some friends while you tell your wife you are working. A little lie is not revealing that you broke your diet, smoked a cigarette after you quit, or paying more for something than you’re supposed to but keeping quiet not to start a fight because you’ve unbalanced the family budget.
It’s not like I’m condoning lying, but I certainly do understand it. I’ve lied myself when the thought of revealing something is going to result in an unnecessary argument that can be avoided and has no real effect on the state of a relationship. To lie is human. To live a lie is different. It’s not something that is inconsequential. When you live a lie, there are always consequences for someone. In our cases, it ends up being our consequence.
The basis for a relationship should be one built on give and take. When a man stops having sex with his wife because it’s too much of a burden for him because he is gay, you are giving wrong information to your wife. I don’t hear too many men take responsibility for their lack of sexual activity other than made up stories about being too tired, too overworked, too depressed, too headachy, too sore from exercising, etc. When those excuses run out, then the tables turn. Then it’s—YOU. You are too heavy, YOU are too naggy, YOU are too unsympathetic,
YOU are too demanding, and of course…..YOU ARE A NYMPHOMANIAC or something just as insulting. Because YOU now think YOU are the problem in your marriage, YOU are the one who tries to change YOURSELF. So, now you are changing yourself to become the ideal wife of a man who doesn’t want to make love to you no matter how good you look, how nice you act, how talented you are, or of course—how devoted you are to your gay husband. Ouch! That hurts.
Eventually, after your husband rejects you enough times, you stop expecting sex, and you also stop asking for it. He breathes a deep sigh of relief. Whew!! “She finally gets it. Stop asking because you’re not going to get it.” Once your wife stops asking you to have sex, she has resigned herself to living an unhappy life with you. How happy to do you think she’s going to be? And when she’s not happy, that’s her fault too, right? Wrong. It’s the husband’s fault.
Some gay husbands believe that money is the key to happiness—YOUR happiness. They will try to compensate for their sexual inadequacy by buying you gifts and trinkets, as if that will do it for you. It’s the same pattern as the physically abusive husband who beats his wife, begs for forgiveness, tells her that he loves her, and goes out to buy a present to prove it. HYPOCRITS. Like a bracelet is going to make you feel better about yourself. “I don’t think you’re good enough to make love to, but I think you’re good enough for a bracelet.” Thanks pal—but no thanks.
I know they say that the failure of a marriage is the fault of both parties, and maybe that’s the case in functional marriages. But guess what? I don’t think it’s that way when you live with a gay man. You aren’t happy. He can’t be happy. He is saying that you are making him unhappy because of your own unhappiness. But if he would have been a straight husband, maybe you would be happy. Perhaps you could have met life’s challenges as a team instead of being on different teams. And not only are you both on different teams, but you’re both playing in different ballparks. If the pitcher for the New York Yankees throws the most perfect pitch in NY, the best player in Boston standing hundreds of miles away can’t hit it—NO MATTER WHAT. You are in two different cities on two different teams. Two different places in two different spaces.
The same goes for straight wives with gay husbands. If your husband is telling you that the lack of sex in your marriage is YOUR fault, and he is a gay man, no matter what you do to make yourself more physically attractive, and some of you have gone to the extremes of breast implants and liposuction, it’s not going to change anything. You are playing in the wrong ballpark. Or shall I say, you have the wrong plumbing.
If you think I’m saying to all of you that you are perfect and without fault, well, I’m not. No one is perfect; we are all human. We all make mistakes. We all have bad days. We all have human traits, and this is fine. And no husband—straight, gay or otherwise is perfect either. I don’t think any of us are seeking perfection. We are seeking husbands who are playing in the same ballpark. And although many couples who are STRAIGHT couples grow apart, they do it in a more honest way. They don’t always look to place the blame on your lap. They take some responsibility for the marriage unraveling. And you can make sense of those marriages that don’t work without feeling that you are responsible for their failure. In a marriage with a gay husband, you don’t even know what is real and not real. You are living in a labyrinth that has only twists and turns. There is no way to ever find a way to the end of the maze. The twists and turns go nowhere except in vicious circles.
And so, when you sit back and recount the years that have passed and try to figure out what went wrong in your marriage, do yourself a favor--stop thinking about it. When you live with a gay man who is parading in disguise as a straight man, nothing can change the circumstances. Or shall I say, only you are capable of changing them—by leaving the marriage and moving on to a life that makes sense. What’s really so amazing is that life can make sense once your marriage is over. No more mazes to run through, no more Twilight Zones or Outer Limits. No more trying to solve the unsolvable, no more fighting against the unchanging tide. When you live like this, you zap your mental and physical energy because spinning gold out of hay only happens in fairytales.
Posted by debbie wooding at 9:44 AM 2 comments
DISTORTED PERCEPTIONS, May, 2003
I’ve written about this before, and probably not too long ago. But I could never write about this enough, so I’ll talk about it again. It’s what I call “Distorted Perceptions.” It’s an important part of understanding the whole concept your marriage and why it failed.
I think I’ve gotten most of you on board with understanding that you had no influence on your husband’s homosexuality. No matter how easy it is for us to fall into the trap of believing that we were not “good enough” or “smart enough” or “pretty enough” or “sexy enough” for our husbands, I hope after reading my constant reassurances, you finally understand that your husband’s homosexuality was there long before you were.
The next concept of why your marriage failed is a little more difficult for you to understand. You are still looking at your marriage as if it takes “two to tango” as the saying goes. I often hear women say, “He made mistakes, and I made mistakes,” or “We both had faults,” Let’s acknowledge that no one is perfect. Yes, we all have faults. But it is not your “faults” that created the problems in the marriage. On the other hand, it is very possible that the problems in the marriage intensified your faults.
Example? Okay. Let’s start with me revealing to you some of the problems I had in my marriage. Because of all of the erratic behavior and inconsistencies in my marriage, I was overly suspicious of my husband’s actions. Whenever I couldn’t account for his missing time, I believed he was out cheating on me. I made an automatic search of all of his belongs when he wasn’t looking. This included all of the pockets in his clothes, his little black phone book, and his wallet. I looked in the car at the mileage gauge, looked under the seats for clues of unfamiliar items, and went through the glove compartment for any suspicious papers, matchbook covers, or receipts left behind and haphazardly thrown in there. As soon as I would find a possible incriminating piece of evidence, I would confront my husband. He would get angry and yell at me how I was neurotic and ridiculous. He always had an explanation of whatever evidence I found, and he did his best to convince me that I was the one with a “vivid” imagination that was always in the overactive mode.
From where he was sitting, I looked like the overly nagging wife. Snooping didn’t become me. But I became obsessed. Once the trust was gone, there was no way for me to regain it, especially when his patterns of suspicion continued. As much as I tried to ignore what kept hitting me in the face, I was unable to do so. As time progressed, my obsession deepened. Every time he left the house, my imagination took over and images of young men jolted out in my mind. Every guy my husband spoke to became suspect to me. My reactions to people were totally different because of this. No doubt, there were many innocent people who became victims of my unfounded hostility, but I was unable to distinguish fact from fiction because of the ones who were my realities and nightmares.
Now, my husband blamed me for overreacting to almost everything. And maybe in many cases I did. Bottom line: This was not who I was, but who I became because HE WAS GAY AND LIVING A LIE. And that lie infiltrated the darkest part of my soul turning me into someone whom I didn’t recognize or even like.
There were days when I woke up and didn’t want to live any more. This was NOT ME. The real me had a passion for life that had been temporarily snuffed out. I didn’t know it was temporary while I lived it because my life was now on another plane—somewhere between the Twilight Zone and death. I say death because on three different occasions I attempted suicide. It seemed like an excellent alternative during those moments that seemed so inescapable and hopeless. This was NOT ME either. Prior to my marriage, I was so high on life. I was active, sociable, surrounded by high self-esteem, and very independent. I turned into someone who was depressed, scared, insecure, co-dependant, and crying constantly from being hurt.
The decisions and the moves that I made during my marriage were based on the mutated perceptions inside my marriage. Before I suspected that homosexuality was the cause of my unhappiness, I came to believe that it was me who was causing the problems in my marriage. If I told my husband that our marriage had problems, he would reply, “We don’t have problems—YOU have the problem. I am happy in the marriage. YOU are the unhappy one.” Many of you have written to me that your husbands tell you the same thing. The problem is YOU—not him, not the “marriage.” And naturally, my husband, as well as yours, never looks beyond the fact that YOU have a problem, because it’s always all about them. I guess I was falling into a darker hole each day so it was easy for me to believe that I was the one with the problems. He wasn’t falling into a dark hole. He seemed content, and why not? He had a wife and a life outside his wife.
He was living his lie. And it was a big lie. Not a little white lie. Lying about your sexuality is a really very big lie. VERY BIG. What is a little lie? A little lie is taking money and buying something and not telling your spouse. A little lie is getting a couple of drinks at the bar with some friends while you tell your wife you are working. A little lie is not revealing that you broke your diet, smoked a cigarette after you quit, or paying more for something than you’re supposed to but keeping quiet not to start a fight because you’ve unbalanced the family budget.
It’s not like I’m condoning lying, but I certainly do understand it. I’ve lied myself when the thought of revealing something is going to result in an unnecessary argument that can be avoided and has no real effect on the state of a relationship. To lie is human. To live a lie is different. It’s not something that is inconsequential. When you live a lie, there are always consequences for someone. In our cases, it ends up being our consequence.
The basis for a relationship should be one built on give and take. When a man stops having sex with his wife because it’s too much of a burden for him because he is gay, you are giving wrong information to your wife. I don’t hear too many men take responsibility for their lack of sexual activity other than made up stories about being too tired, too overworked, too depressed, too headachy, too sore from exercising, etc. When those excuses run out, then the tables turn. Then it’s—YOU. You are too heavy, YOU are too naggy, YOU are too unsympathetic,
YOU are too demanding, and of course…..YOU ARE A NYMPHOMANIAC or something just as insulting. Because YOU now think YOU are the problem in your marriage, YOU are the one who tries to change YOURSELF. So, now you are changing yourself to become the ideal wife of a man who doesn’t want to make love to you no matter how good you look, how nice you act, how talented you are, or of course—how devoted you are to your gay husband. Ouch! That hurts.
Eventually, after your husband rejects you enough times, you stop expecting sex, and you also stop asking for it. He breathes a deep sigh of relief. Whew!! “She finally gets it. Stop asking because you’re not going to get it.” Once your wife stops asking you to have sex, she has resigned herself to living an unhappy life with you. How happy to do you think she’s going to be? And when she’s not happy, that’s her fault too, right? Wrong. It’s the husband’s fault.
Some gay husbands believe that money is the key to happiness—YOUR happiness. They will try to compensate for their sexual inadequacy by buying you gifts and trinkets, as if that will do it for you. It’s the same pattern as the physically abusive husband who beats his wife, begs for forgiveness, tells her that he loves her, and goes out to buy a present to prove it. HYPOCRITS. Like a bracelet is going to make you feel better about yourself. “I don’t think you’re good enough to make love to, but I think you’re good enough for a bracelet.” Thanks pal—but no thanks.
I know they say that the failure of a marriage is the fault of both parties, and maybe that’s the case in functional marriages. But guess what? I don’t think it’s that way when you live with a gay man. You aren’t happy. He can’t be happy. He is saying that you are making him unhappy because of your own unhappiness. But if he would have been a straight husband, maybe you would be happy. Perhaps you could have met life’s challenges as a team instead of being on different teams. And not only are you both on different teams, but you’re both playing in different ballparks. If the pitcher for the New York Yankees throws the most perfect pitch in NY, the best player in Boston standing hundreds of miles away can’t hit it—NO MATTER WHAT. You are in two different cities on two different teams. Two different places in two different spaces.
The same goes for straight wives with gay husbands. If your husband is telling you that the lack of sex in your marriage is YOUR fault, and he is a gay man, no matter what you do to make yourself more physically attractive, and some of you have gone to the extremes of breast implants and liposuction, it’s not going to change anything. You are playing in the wrong ballpark. Or shall I say, you have the wrong plumbing.
If you think I’m saying to all of you that you are perfect and without fault, well, I’m not. No one is perfect; we are all human. We all make mistakes. We all have bad days. We all have human traits, and this is fine. And no husband—straight, gay or otherwise is perfect either. I don’t think any of us are seeking perfection. We are seeking husbands who are playing in the same ballpark. And although many couples who are STRAIGHT couples grow apart, they do it in a more honest way. They don’t always look to place the blame on your lap. They take some responsibility for the marriage unraveling. And you can make sense of those marriages that don’t work without feeling that you are responsible for their failure. In a marriage with a gay husband, you don’t even know what is real and not real. You are living in a labyrinth that has only twists and turns. There is no way to ever find a way to the end of the maze. The twists and turns go nowhere except in vicious circles.
And so, when you sit back and recount the years that have passed and try to figure out what went wrong in your marriage, do yourself a favor--stop thinking about it. When you live with a gay man who is parading in disguise as a straight man, nothing can change the circumstances. Or shall I say, only you are capable of changing them—by leaving the marriage and moving on to a life that makes sense. What’s really so amazing is that life can make sense once your marriage is over. No more mazes to run through, no more Twilight Zones or Outer Limits. No more trying to solve the unsolvable, no more fighting against the unchanging tide. When you live like this, you zap your mental and physical energy because spinning gold out of hay only happens in fairytales.
Posted by debbie wooding at 9:44 AM 2 comments
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