IN THE
HOLIDAY SPIRIT….
Ladies, I’d like to wish you a holiday season. It would
be a little silly to say “Happy” holiday season to the many of you who would
feel I’m being sarcastic or insensitive during the worst months of each year.
For those of you who are still suffering in your
marriages built on illusions and mirrors, there is no real happiness to talk
about. Your future is in limbo, and you know that any moment your husband walks
out the door some shoe can fall on your head.
For those of you who are newly divorced, this will be
your most difficult year yet. All of those holiday traditions you celebrated
together are no longer there. And as much as people like me advise you to
“start new traditions” and give you “tips” for getting through the holiday,
let’s be for real—it’s never, ever that simple.
For those of you in the early years of Gay Husband
Recovery, memories of what you thought was yours forever will do the dance of
the sugar plum fairies in your brain—no pun intended. They just make you wonder
on what was real or not real for those years.
For those of you who are further into your recovery and
still struggling with “issues” that create residual feelings of PTSD when
certain triggers remind you of what you had, lost, or never had and lost—this
is the time to expect those feelings to rise to the surface.
No matter what phase you are in, we are all struggling in
this game of either GIVE ME BACK MY LIFE AS IT USED TO BE, or when you realize
that won’t happen--TAKE BACK MY LIFE SO I CAN MOVE AHEAD. Unfortunately those
pictures being shoved in our face every day and everywhere of families living
out our
fantasies that we believed to be our
realities really tips our boat over making us feel like we are drowning
or tilts the pin ball machine in our brain with bright lights until we are
screaming “Tilt, Tilt.”
Personally, I think the holidays are a time we don’t have
to be happy or even pretend to be happy. We’re not going to fool ourselves for
sure. Maybe we can fool others around us, but do we need to do that? Do we need
to pretend that our feelings aren’t really that important? Do we need to feel
any more “minimized” than we already do?
Being in or ending a marriage to a gay man—whether he is
open, in the closet, or somewhere in between—is a traumatic life event. Your
investment of time and love into a no-win situation is your reality. In most
cases, knowing that your husband was “exploring” his sexuality while lying next
to you while he was lying to you and blaming you for the mishaps along the way
is something you have to process. In over 20% of the cases of women who come to
me, they have the received a gift from their gay husband’s indiscretions that
never goes away—namely an STD that will last forever in some cases. And if that
isn’t enough to kick you in the gut, people are praising him for being “brave”
for coming out. Hello….what about us??? Is anyone praising us for the years we
devoted to our family trying to be superwomen in hopes that our husbands would
want us? Is anyone marching on a special day saying, “We are proud to be
Straight Wives”? Do we get a special day of recognition or a movie about our pain?
And what about how we are portrayed by the media? First
we had Brokeback Mountain that portrayed the two wives of gay men as idiots.
Now we get a Netflix dramoedy with a real-life older out lesbian playing a
straight wife. Oh—we also had Fran Drescher playing Nanny to her gay ex-husband
on their double dates and a few Mormon women on TLC talking about how they are
happy to marry their gay boyfriends. Is it any wonder that our ex gay husbands
are the heroes? There is nothing real about how the media portrays our
struggle—we appear as stupid bimbos who should have known better.
Yep. I’m angry. But I’m not bitter. There’s a line that
separates them. A few people call me bitter—but that’s not the case. My life
moved on, and I am living happily ever after. I’m angry because too many of you
still suffering. Bitter would mean that I’m encouraging our women to stay
angry. I don’t encourage it at all—but I do acknowledge it. I will validate
every raw feeling that you have and make sure that you take absolutely NO
RESPONSIBILITY for the demise of your marriage. I will not accept any man
telling me, “Well, it wouldn’t have worked out even if I were straight.” That’s
what I call denial. They just don’t get it because gay men don’t think
straight. They don’t get that the way that you act is in response to the way
they treat you.
Most of our women are wonderful women who want to be
wonderful wives. Yes, some of us come from situations where there were
“issues,” but that doesn’t mean that we can’t be wonderful wives—if we have
wonderful husbands to nurture us and help us thrive. When we live a daily life
of lies, confusion, and blame, we become different people. We become fearful,
co-dependent, and suspicious because we are living someone else’s lie. This is
the true shame of the holidays when you are a straight wife.
So, my message to you is to “just get through it.” It’s
going to be a rough time until mid-February when all of those loving holidays
are finally gone. Until then, it will be one reminder after another of what you
thought you had but don’t have.
One of the reasons I get bummed out around this time of
year is because I do know what’s ahead. I know that within the next 4 weeks or
so, I am going to be meeting dozens of new women who will be hearing the news
they never wanted to hear. This is the time of year that many married gay men
wait for to tell their wives. They don’t want to louse up the holidays for the
family, so they hang in there until January 1st or shortly
thereafter. No comment. I’ll just be waiting for them.
Maybe it’s not the best time of the year for many
Straight Wives—but it is a psychological time of renewal when January 1st
comes along. The worst of the holiday season is behind us so things can get
back on track. I was going to say “normalize,” but that would be misleading,
wouldn’t it?
KRISTIN KALBLI – MY NEW HERO!!!
After 35 years working with Straight Wives, it takes a lot to
inspire me to the point where I stand up and cheer. One of our sisters, Terri,
shared this article by Kristin Kalbli with us. I was so blown away by the
author’s writing that I wrote her a “fan” letter asking her to be a guest on my
radio show on Sunday, December 18, 2016. After the article, I’ll give you the
link to the show that you can listen to live at 9 p.m. EST or any time after
that at the same link. Kristin gave me permission to share this article with
you.
Frankly My Dear, I am the
Victim of Homophobia Too!
Recently, author Rick Clemons
published an article in the Huffington Post, ‘Frankly My Dear…Gay Men Marry
Straight Women! Here’s Why!” 07/19/16
In the article Clemons asserted
“if you haven’t lived and breathed sexual orientation confusion, felt gay
shame, or laid awake at night wishing that you really could pray the gay away,
then honestly, you’ve nothing to
contribute to this discussion.” As the ex-wife of a gay man (who was in
denial during our marriage, but came out after divorcing his second wife), I
know that I do have
something to contribute to the discussion; and I have earned my
place in the conversation.
It is
an utter travesty that homophobia still exists in our culture to such a degree
that self-loathing and fear still infect perfectly wonderful people who happen
to be LGBT. Recently the Archbishop of
Philadelphia said that gay couples should be abstinent. Preachers still
promote disproven and insulting “reparative therapy” and advise gay men
to marry straight women (as if our lives are
suitable sacrifices on the altar of their religious homophobia). This is baldly
discriminatory and deeply harmful to LGBT people.
But when my ex-husband chose to
marry me (knowing he was gay), he compounded that harm, spreading the trauma
and devastation to two lives, rather than confining it to one. I am the
victim of homophobia too. Many LGBT people may not want to acknowledge
this, thinking it detracts from their very real suffering. I certainly
understand that they may not want to share that particular medal in the
Oppression Olympics.
I am not invalidating the
brutal homophobia that sent people like my ex-husband so deeply into his closet
that he had to use me as its door. I am saying that my life was ripped apart by
that homophobia too. And I am in pain, and angry. Very, very angry.
My justifiable anger should not
be confused with homophobia. I am not, nor have I ever been, homophobic. I have
officiated at LGBT weddings, and count LGBT people among my closest colleagues
and friends. This shared trauma should make us allies against the injustice of
homophobia and its consequences. But often, criticism of behavior like my
ex-husband’s (deceiving a straight spouse into marriage) is spun as
anti-gay rhetoric. And that is dishonest, dismissive, and divisive.
I unequivocally sympathize with
the struggles of LGBT men and women, although I don’t know what it is like to
question my orientation. But I do know what it is like to have my own
sexuality deeply shamed, rejected and damaged.
Let me explain: I was abjectly
and repeatedly sexually rejected by my ex-husband, in the most intimate way a
person can be rejected. But I had no idea why. I intuited that he might be gay;
I even prayed that he was, because it would have explained the soul crushing
rejection. I asked him on different occasions; he always denied it. He left me
to guess, to ruminate, to wander in a desert with no answers, to live in an ether
of doubt and questioning. And he left me to conclude I was the problem. My body
image suffered, my self-esteem collapsed, my soul was damaged, my trust
obliterated. I was devastated not to feel desired by my own husband; I was
devastated my own husband did not want my touch. My sexuality was a threat to
him, a reminder of his own homosexuality, which he was desperately running
from. So he had to shame my sexuality and shut it down.
He did the exact thing to me
society did to him. And almost a decade post-divorce, I am still recovering
from this form of sexual abuse, this gas-lighting, this mind-f**k.
Clemons is correct that LGBTQ people are often cruelly “shamed and
belief-poisoned” into hetero-normative marriages, but I take exception to his
inclusion of the term “forced.” As the ex-wife of a gay man, I say with
confidence that I was forced into a mixed
orientation marriage against my will, without my knowledge or consent. I did
not know he was gay at the time of our marriage, but he did. I would not have
married him had I known the truth. I was forced, not
him. My ex-husband was not “forced” to lie to me, he was not “forced” to
marry me, and he was not “forced” to stay in the closet. Not by me, at
least.
Because of my experience, I
question Clemons’ narrative that gay men who marry straight women are merely
the victims of cultural and familial homophobia and are entirely without
responsibility or culpability for these deceptive marriages and their
fallout. The
homophobia of our culture, vast and grotesque as it is, is not an excuse to rob
someone of agency, truth, and the ability to consent.
It is the definition of
entitlement for one person to use another as a beard, a shield, a prop. My
ex-husband stole years of my life, depriving me of the love, sexual intimacy
and pleasure I might have found with a heterosexual husband. And he did this
knowingly. He is responsible for that choice.
In a somewhat cavalier tone,
Clemons continues “So the burning question that some of you may still be asking
is, ‘Why do gay men marry straight women?’ Frankly My Dear because,
sometimes it takes time to live the life you’re meant to live.”
Ok, fair enough. I get that. But what happens in the meantime to
the straight spouses waiting for the truth while their gay spouses have
“experiences not yet experienced,” as years of their lives are sacrificed on
the altar of their gay spouse’s self-discovery?
Is the straight spouse’s life disposable because it “takes time to
live the life you’re meant to live?” I cannot imagine anything so
disregarding, so dismissive, and so self-serving.
OH WAIT, yes I can,
because I lived it.
Yes, it is true, that “true
freedom comes from trusting yourself enough to be yourself,” but let’s
encourage each other not to learn that lesson at the expense of someone else’s
life.
Thank you, Kristin, for the beautiful words and thoughts of
inspiration. To listen to more of Kristin’s thoughts on this matter, listen to
our show live on 12/18 at 9 p.m. EST or any time after that at this link:
PATSY
RAE DAWSON SURVEY
Patsy Rae Dawson is a
Christian divorce coach who has helped many of our women of faith come to terms
with the end of their marriages to a gay man based on religious scripture. She
would like to help women in this situation with this very interesting survey
that will help you make the right choice for your future and feel good about
it. Here is what she offers:
FREE:
Sexless Marriages & Without Natural Affection 4-Generational Survey by
Patsy Rae Dawson
One unloving person without natural affection damages many lives
over four generations or more. This survey helps you analyze your home of
origin and marriage plus the effect on you and your children, and even your
grandchildren. It helps you understand that a sexless marriage is not about you
so you can make healthy decisions for your family. The survey is based on Bible
principles. The most common remark I get is, “Being without natural affection
includes much more than I expected.”
God doesn’t trap anyone in unloving marriages and provides many
ways of escape including divorce that is as righteous as partaking of the
Lord’s Supper.
When you participate, you’ll receive two free eReports: (1)
Analyze Your Answers and (2) Everyone Is an Adult Child: God Doesn’t Tell
Children to Love Their Parents—God Tells Children to Leave Their Parents.
Start the healing process today by taking this survey:
http://patsyraedawson.com/sexless-marriages-surveys/sexless-marriages-without-natural-affection-4-generational-survey/
MAILBOX
Each month, I receive letters with feedback from you, my
readers. Those letters that I think will help so many of our readers are
reprinted here with the writer’s permission.
Dear Bonnie,
First of all I want to tell you how sorry I am for the loss of
your friend. True friendships are hard to find, and finding someone who struggles
with emotions you know and share is even more valuable. Know we are all
here for you .
As I read your letter today I had many emotions strike up. The first being a WOW.. So true and I wanted to add so many exclamation points in it when you discussed the emotional pain we go through. The blame...the constant lies...the emotional DRAINING of myself.... becoming someone I was NOT. It has been over 3 years since my divorce, 16 since I first found the emails and group chats, and less than 24 hours since I dealt
with my ex. The pain never leaves, I think it becomes tolerable and you find coping mechanisms to deal with them. When you have children you focus on them and often put your own emotions to the back. My ex still has not "come out" but the rumors have!!! My children now deal with those, even though they know from figuring it out and me sitting them down all about the same time. I waited for them to start putting the pieces together, then when I realized he would NEVER do it, I did. He is a political figure in our county and community so when the rumors surfaced...they spread like wildfire. Many of my daily acquaintances finally put 2 and 2 together on the divorce. I won't lie, I did enjoy the thought that the "Oh poor XXXX" that everyone felt when I left him and all the things people said about me...got thrown in some faces. But you know
how people are. Only one apology was said to me about what people had said. The worst issue was I WAS seeing someone else and I knew it was over...I just refused to put it in his lap and ruin him like I could have. The road I now take... when I am asked I tell people yes, it is true. I tell them it is something he can't help and I know that if he could have made it work with us he would have and that I will always care for him because he is the father of our children. I also remind people he and I are friends and will always be, and I sympathize with his issue because he won't face it. Then I drop it.
Is the pain still real??? YES !! Each time my current husband goes some time without making love…I have doubts and trust issues. When you live a lie for so long....you worry and those old fears and relationship issues surface. I require constant assurance from my husband and luckily he is also my best friend because we can talk about it and discuss openly why our past was difficult and can trouble us today.
No...life is NOT meant to be difficult ...but it is. I know I have become a different person because of this...but it was an event in my life…not my entire life. I am a survivor and choose to continue to be one. My children have survived and know there is a reason God gave us this path. They also know he will continue to guide us daily to be the people he wants us to be, just as he guides and loves my ex. He will struggle forever until he accepts his life and I pray one day he will find the courage to accept who he is so he can be happy and experience true love the way it is meant to be..and how it is meant for. Unfortunately..that was not going to be with me as hard as he tried.
All my love to all....Stay strong..this is an EVENT ...not your entire life!! Make it only an EVENT!!! Choose to survive!!
Straight sister – Melinda
As I read your letter today I had many emotions strike up. The first being a WOW.. So true and I wanted to add so many exclamation points in it when you discussed the emotional pain we go through. The blame...the constant lies...the emotional DRAINING of myself.... becoming someone I was NOT. It has been over 3 years since my divorce, 16 since I first found the emails and group chats, and less than 24 hours since I dealt
with my ex. The pain never leaves, I think it becomes tolerable and you find coping mechanisms to deal with them. When you have children you focus on them and often put your own emotions to the back. My ex still has not "come out" but the rumors have!!! My children now deal with those, even though they know from figuring it out and me sitting them down all about the same time. I waited for them to start putting the pieces together, then when I realized he would NEVER do it, I did. He is a political figure in our county and community so when the rumors surfaced...they spread like wildfire. Many of my daily acquaintances finally put 2 and 2 together on the divorce. I won't lie, I did enjoy the thought that the "Oh poor XXXX" that everyone felt when I left him and all the things people said about me...got thrown in some faces. But you know
how people are. Only one apology was said to me about what people had said. The worst issue was I WAS seeing someone else and I knew it was over...I just refused to put it in his lap and ruin him like I could have. The road I now take... when I am asked I tell people yes, it is true. I tell them it is something he can't help and I know that if he could have made it work with us he would have and that I will always care for him because he is the father of our children. I also remind people he and I are friends and will always be, and I sympathize with his issue because he won't face it. Then I drop it.
Is the pain still real??? YES !! Each time my current husband goes some time without making love…I have doubts and trust issues. When you live a lie for so long....you worry and those old fears and relationship issues surface. I require constant assurance from my husband and luckily he is also my best friend because we can talk about it and discuss openly why our past was difficult and can trouble us today.
No...life is NOT meant to be difficult ...but it is. I know I have become a different person because of this...but it was an event in my life…not my entire life. I am a survivor and choose to continue to be one. My children have survived and know there is a reason God gave us this path. They also know he will continue to guide us daily to be the people he wants us to be, just as he guides and loves my ex. He will struggle forever until he accepts his life and I pray one day he will find the courage to accept who he is so he can be happy and experience true love the way it is meant to be..and how it is meant for. Unfortunately..that was not going to be with me as hard as he tried.
All my love to all....Stay strong..this is an EVENT ...not your entire life!! Make it only an EVENT!!! Choose to survive!!
Straight sister – Melinda
Dear Bonnie,
I would not 'feel
better' if I didn't know the reason for my ex-husbands sexual rejection!
The gay man 'happily married' to his wife keeps her in ignorance - which
is selfish & cruel especially as she was abused in her youth, because the
patterns of being a 'plaything' for the self-serving sexual needs of others is
perpetuated. He may not be physically abusing or brutally raping her. But
he is serving his own sexual needs by avoiding sex with her. He
is depriving her of intimate touch. He is treating her like a china
doll (not for her benefit, but for his) as if she has no mind of her own but
were a fragile inanimate thing best left in a display cabinet - yet she is
a living, breathing, thinking, sexually-rejected woman. If you accept the
definition of rape to be 'sexually forced against your will' then she is being
raped because he is forcing his wife into a sexless marriage on the basis
that HE can't handle being sexual with a woman. Not her choice. His.
And he is also choosing to keep her in the dark, in perpetuity. Keeping
her in a gilded cage. Love is about setting people free! It is very
patronizing to assume he knows what is best for her - that is a conclusion
SHE needs to come to, but it can't happen when he is systematically lying
by omission. Her entire marriage has been predicated on a lie. So in
answer to the question posed in your November newsletter - I would need to
know the truth. Only knowing the truth can I face it. Only knowing the truth
can I make I informed decision about my future.
Terri x
COMPUTER RADIO LINKS FOR THIS MONTH
This month’s computer radio show links in case you would like to
listen:
Author Tarra
Helfgott: Author, Looking for Mr. Straight:
Coach Suzette
Vearnon – inspiring us every month!!
http://www.blogtalkradio.com/bonnielkaye/2016/12/05/bonnie-kayes-straight-wives-talk-show-with-co-host-suzette-vearnon
