Dear Friends,
Over the past 18 years, I have written nearly 200
newsletters (187 actually) that have addressed every situation you can possibly
think about. My earlier words were filled with insight, wisdom, and compassion.
I am very proud of how helpful and comforting so many of you have found these
words over the years. Therefore, over the next month or two, I'll be going back
in time to reprint some of my best works. Many of you haven't seen these
articles because of how far back they date, and others who have read them may
not remember them due to the length of time! Either way, they are still just as
relevant today as ever.
I apologize for not writing some new material, but to be
honest, I am on a strict deadline for
several publications. One project is my new book called "The Gift of Truth from my
Ex-Husband." In October, my gay ex-husband passed away. In return
for my support to him during his final 18 months of suffering from bone cancer,
he gave me one final gift at the end of my life. He loved me enough to provide
me with all the written proof I need to bring federal charges against a few
people who made it their mission to destroy my life and undermine my work on
behalf of straight wives over the past three years. You will be quite shocked
to see the length that these misguided criminals went to in order to accomplish
this mission--which will never happen. So please stay tuned. I'll be talking
more about this in the spring sharing some and excerpts prior to the book
release.
Love, Bonnie
THAT TIME OF THE YEAR COMING UP AGAIN....
Yes, it's the holiday season here again. The
season starts at Thanksgiving and will last for the next 3 months ending on
Valentine's Day. In between you'll have to deal with Christmas Eve, Christmas,
New Year's Eve, and New Year's Day. For some of you, this will be the first
holiday with your life in the state of total turmoil because you are learning
or have learned the truth about your husband, but you are still stuck where you
are. For others, it will be the first holiday season split as a family and in
some cases, you will be feeling very alone. And for others, it will be the
early years in the recovery process--early enough to remind you that these
holidays can really make you depressed.
I don't have a magic solution to this, or I
would give it to you--I swear! Holidays are horrible for me because of the loss
of my two children. They will never be the same. The loss of something you
loved so much--such as your family unit--is very painful. And no matter how
lighthearted I could make it sound by giving you some good "tips,"
some of you aren't ready for them--and guess what? That's fine.
We all deal with pain in different ways in
the same way as we all heal at different paces. No two situations are the
same--and no two women are expected to heal at the same rate. There are so many
different variables involved here.
For those women who had wonderful marriages,
the hurt is so much stronger. You feel like your life was torn away from you
right in front of your eyes. There were no signs--no real problems--lots of
love (even if it didn't translate into "making love")--lots of warm
times filled with laughter while you were going through life with your best
friend.
For those of you who are coming out of
less-than-wonderful marriages, the hurt is still there. You realize that you've
lost a chunk of your life that you can never get back. All the dots are finally
getting connected. You feel better knowing the truth, but you still resent
having lived with the lies for all of these years wondering why you could never
please your husband no matter how hard you tried. You suffered from emotional
and sometimes physical abuse. The scars have been deep for years as you lived
in a state of depression because you didn't know the truth of why your husband
didn't love you.
Some of you will reject the holiday parties
and settle instead for a personal "pity
party." I say enjoy yourself if
you want to have one. There's nothing wrong with a pity party every now and
then because it's part of the grieving process. Don't feel guilty if you want
to indulge for a day or two. Just try not to get stuck for too long in one
because they can be hard to give up if you let yourself linger. Set a time
frame--a "one afternoon, one evening or one day" party. Buy yourself
something that you really love to eat--or if you are not an eater, maybe you
are a drinker. Even if you make yourself a hot fudge sundae with six scoops of
ice cream, it's fine! You're entitled to a little instant gratification.
If you feel like being alone--then stay
alone. Don't let people talk you into doing something you don't want to do
because they think "it's not good for you to be alone." I like to be
alone during these times. I don't feel like people telling me I should be
thankful for all that I have or how I should feel or how I should have started
'getting over it" by now. I'd rather sit home and watch a Law and Order
Marathon or play some mindless computer game. Those are luxuries for me! Find
something that is a luxury for you and indulge. That's the fun of the pity
party. You can be miserable--but enjoy the time alone by doing things that make
you feel good momentarily.
The most important thing to realize is that
life is changing or has changed. It may be a horrible time for you, and there
is nothing wrong with acknowledging it. Life will get better--when you are
ready to let it. And there's no time limit for healing!
REVISITING and REVISING THE KINSEY SCALE -
2012
Most of you have heard
of the Kinsey Scale. Gay men use this as an argument to prove that they are not
gay, but rather on some road or continuum that never seems to get to where you
know they are going or have landed.
The Kinsey Scale was
first devised in 1948 by Dr. Alfred Kinsey. His research broke sexuality into
seven steps starting at “Totally heterosexual” to “Totally Homosexual.” There
were a number of other steps in between. According to Kinsey, these are the
steps:
0- Exclusively heterosexual with no homosexual
1- Predominantly heterosexual, only incidentally
homosexual
2- Predominantly heterosexual, but more than
incidentally homosexual
3- Equally heterosexual and homosexual
4- Predominantly homosexual, but more than
incidentally heterosexual
5- Predominantly homosexual, only incidentally
heterosexual
6- Exclusively homosexual
According to Kinsey,
“Males do not represent two discrete populations, heterosexual and homosexual.
The world is not to be divided into sheep and goats. It is a fundamental of
taxonomy that nature rarely deals with discrete categories... The living world
is a continuum in each and every one of its aspects.”
This scale has widely
been accepted and utilized by many professionals in the field. I look at this
scale as being an excuse for gay men as a way to prove that they are not gay,
and I regularly see it being used to that end.
Quite frankly, I don’t
understand this whole concept. For instance, what is the difference between the
Number 1 and the Number 2 position on the Kinsey scale? Number 1 is: Predominantly
heterosexual, only incidentally homosexual. Number 2 is: Predominantly
heterosexual, but more than incidentally homosexual. What determines if someone
is “incidentally” or “more than “incidentally” homosexual? For that matter,
what does “incidentally” mean? An “incident” happened one day or night? And how
is a man predominantly heterosexual but more than “incidentally” homosexual?
Hmmm, beats me. And quite frankly, let’s skip up to Number 5 on the scale: 5-
Predominantly homosexual, only incidentally heterosexual. What does that mean?
Very confusing, isn’t it?
I believe that there are
men who are “emotionally” straight. They are unable to come to terms with the
gay world. They dread the thought of being “labeled” as gay due to societal or
religious pressures. They enjoy the security of living with a woman in a
“heterosexual lifestyle” where they don’t have to fear the rejection of their
families, religions, and communities. However, this does not deserve a space on
the ladder climbing up to homosexuality on the Kinsey Scale.
I think the Kinsey Scale
is an excuse for people who can’t accept their sexuality. I believe that some
gay men can perform sex with heterosexual women when the emotional need is so
great that they can talk themselves into it. And I believe that these men feel
much better talking themselves into being a 2 or 3 on that scale rather than a
4, 5, or 6. That scale convinces many a man that he’s okay staying in a
marriage because he’s not a “6.”
The Kinsey Scale is a
product from 50 years ago. I believe it needs to be updated and simplified. So
now, I’ve come up with a “Bonnie Kaye Scale of Sexuality.” The scale has two
levels – Number 1 and Number 2. Number 1 is Heterosexual. This is a man who
craves sex only with a woman because these are the only sexual feelings that
arouse him. Number 2 is for all the other men who desire a penis on any
level—“incidentally,” “occasionally,” “every blue moon,” “just out of
curiosity,” or “in a fantasy.” Think of all of the anguish this new scale will
take away from people who are intellectualizing about where they stand on the
Kinsey Scale. Think of all the worry they could avoid as they inch up the
ladder and move from a 2 to a 3 or a 4 to a 6. I can’t even imagine the fear a
man would have who is on Number 4 and creeping up to Number 5. Does he sit and
worry how long it is going to take him to get to number 6? Will he try to
convince himself to have sex with a woman so he can downslide to number 3?
I like the idea of my
scale so much better. Men don’t have to sit and worry about “how gay” they are
or will be. They have nothing to prove if they desire sex more with men. It
won’t change their number—they will still be a Number 2. Wow—wouldn’t that take
the pressure off of men who are trying so hard to fight their own gay desires
and behavior?
And wouldn’t it make
things so much easier for our women also? Women wouldn’t have to wonder if
their husbands/boyfriends are moving up or down a scale. It would be much more
black or white. If you want a heterosexual man, that’s fine. If he’s anything
else, well, it’s not fine—at least not fine for a marriage. We could eliminate
the fallacy of “Bisexuality,” or Number 3 on the Kinsey Scale which always
gives false hope to women. “Bi” implies to women that they have an equal chance
to win their man as a man has--which we know is not the case. It reinforces
false hope that if they “love their men enough or try harder to be better
wives/girlfriends,” their men will pick them. It just ain’t happening, is it?
The desire for a penis is always there. All “bi” men would automatically fall
under the Number 2 category. Even men who are “just fantasizing” about other
men would be in the Number 2 group. After all, if a man gets “aroused” by a
penis, it’s definitely the Number 2 category.
I think the “Bonnie Kaye
Scale” will help women make easier decisions. You don’t have to sit and debate
anything at all. It all comes down to one question—do you want a man who wants
a woman or a man who has a penis on his mind? Why does something this simple
have to become so complicated?
Alexis Hall has a website for single parenting. She invited me
to share this with you for the holiday season. Her contact info is below.
HOW
TO OVERCOME POST-DIVORCE DEPRESSION THIS HOLIDAY SEASON
BY
ALEXIS HALL
If you’ve gone through a traumatic divorce this year that’s
left you anxious and depressed, the thought of the approaching holiday season
may feel as challenging as climbing Mt. Everest. And, similar to such an
arduous task, reaching the summit will count a great deal on how you tend to
your mental health.
You’re suddenly a single parent. You’re responsible for your
own financial success. Your social circle is evolving. All of this can feel
overwhelming.
Take a moment to slow down, breathe, and make a plan;
remembering your journey to renewed mental and physical health will be depend
on your own self-administered care.
One of the most important things you can challenge yourself,
and your children, to do during this time is climbing that mountain, or let’s
say a smaller one. Physical activity such as hiking, indoor cycling or even a
less aerobic activity like bowling can improve your mental health by
stimulating positive hormones and neurochemicals.
We’ve all heard of the popular “runner’s high” that comes
from releasing endorphins in exercise, but getting physical also impacts the brain’s
serotonin levels. Serotonin, the chemical many anti-depressants work
to increase, boosts your mood and improves your overall sense of well-being.
Your mental health will also improve when you practice good
parenting techniques after the divorce. Most importantly, be there
for your children. Spend quality time with them, and in doing so, seek to
understand their emotional needs during this stressful period. Seeing them
happy will in turn make you happy. Consider trying the following:
●
Sharing them with your ex.
●
Keeping them out of the middle of any
disputes that evolve.
●
Talking positively about the other parent.
●
Always show the other parent respect when
you come together.
You may notice during the dark months of winter that your
depression worsens. This may be a sign of Seasonal Affective Disorder, also
known as SAD. Feelings associated with SAD come and go with the seasons, and it
is diagnosed, according to the National
Institute of Mental Health, when the following symptoms appear in
addition to your traditional depression symptoms: low energy, hypersomnia, or
excessive sleepiness, overeating, weight gain, carbohydrate cravings and
withdrawing socially. SAD can also contribute to substance
abuse in a way to manage your emotions.
If you are experiencing these symptoms, Dr. Barton Goldsmith,
suggests in an article
for Psychology Today, “using a full spectrum
lamp for twenty minutes a day.”
Perhaps one of the most important things you can model for
your children is your resilience by moving on. Put some careful thought over
the holidays into making the new year about a new you. Not necessarily making
lofty resolutions that make you feel more like the stressed mountain climber,
but smaller goals that help move you forward in your healing.
Consider socializing more. The last thing you should be doing
is turning inward, or isolating yourself. Much research has been done
correlating the reduction of stress with spending time with our friends, but
did you know friends can even extend your life?
A 2010 study
at Brigham Young University in Utah concluded that people with, “strong social
relationships increased their odds of survival over a certain time period by 50
percent.” That's on par with quitting smoking, and nearly twice as beneficial
as physical activity in terms of decreasing your odds of dying early.
Astonishingly, this correlation to better health is as strong as smoking
cessation and exercise.
Try bringing to life the old adage “out with the old and in
with the new.” Build some excitement for you and your children by co-creating
new family traditions. For example, instead of going to the same old holiday
vacation spot, collaborate with your children on finding and planning a new,
more exciting destination this season.
Doing this allows them to build wonderful new memories and traditions
with you.
Many things can be done to improve your mental health
following your divorce. Study and
research ways to improve you. In doing so, you won’t be just helping yourself,
but you’ll be actionably demonstrating to your children that they too can
overcome life’s challenges. Teaching them to be a successful mountain climber
may provide the richest mental health reward ever.
You can find more
support for single parents at Alexis's website:
http://singleparent.info/
