BONNIE KAYE'S STRAIGHT TALK
FEBRUARY 2018 Volume 18,
Issue 189
Bonnie’s Mantra:
LIFE WAS NEVER MEANT TO BE THIS COMPLICATED. PERIOD.
COMPUTER RADIO PODCASTS - www.blogtalkradio/bonnielkaye Live on
Sunday night 8 p.m. EST or any time after the live broadcast!
NEXT HEALING
WEEKEND
My next HEALING WEEKEND will be
outside Washington D.C. on Saturday, April28 – Sunday, April 29. If you would
like to be part of this amazing weekend, please email me at Bonkaye@aol.com and put the word “Healing” in the subject box. I will send you the
details this month. There is no charge for the weekend outside of travel,
lodging, and food. This is a life-changing experience for people who need help
during the grieving and recovery process.
VALENTINE'S DAY -
AGAIN--BUT A CHANCE FOR A BETTER ONE AHEAD!!
It's that time of the year again. The day that symbolizes
LOVE. Love with a soulmate, lover, or loving husband. It's the day that so many
of our women struggle with because they have lost their feminine spirit from
living with or having lived with a gay man. But even so, we're human, and the smallest
glimmer of false hope (that many of us live(d) with) that has been pushed to
the back of our psyche, somehow magically pops up that day like daisies at a
gravesite.
This is the day that many of us fantasize will make up for
the other 364 days of nothingness when it comes to intimacy, affection, and
well....sex. So many of our women hang their hopes on this day thinking that it
will be the game changer.
Sadly, the game doesn't change--well, if it does, it's just
a downhill spiral of being kicked down the steps one bounce at a time--sort of
like the metal slinky toy. There's an old saying my father taught me at an
early age--"Big Expectations Lead to Big Disappointments," and trust
me, there are sure lots of disappointed straight women out there on this day.
And yes, I WAS one of them.
I say WAS because now I can say the word in the past. It's
been many years since my feelings of inadequacy on this holiday due to my
ex-husband's rejection have hovered over me. But you never forget even after
you think you have forgotten. There's that little trigger to remind you--namely
Post Traumatic Stress--which pops up to greet you on February 14th of each
year. Yes, there is no limit to the length of time cruelty takes to vanish. It
isn't quite the simple, "Get over it," that people keep thinking and
later start saying when they think you're taking much too long to heal. By the
way, as a side note, that is a major reason why many women with gay husbands
are shoved deeper into the closet when they discover they are married to a man
who just isn't "straight."
Yes, I say, "Just isn't straight," because I am
personally tired of having to defend myself on the terminology I choose to
use--namely the word GAY. I told you last month about my own personal scale of
straight or not. That includes the "asexuals," "addict
sexuals," "bisexuals," "consexuals," (confused
sexuals) "denysexuals," "experimentsexuals" (those who like
to experiment), "pansexuals," "homosexuals," and
"metrosexuals," "transgender," and "transsexuals."
Actually, it includes anything that is a prefix that doesn't start with
"HETERO." Not hetero--NOT STRAIGHT. Period. Look, in all fairness, if
the LGBTIA etc. can keep expanding due to "inclusiveness," and so can
I based on THEIR definitions--even if I don't understand them all. Mine is so
much simpler--NOT STRAIGHT. It covers the wide spectrum of sexual differences.
And there is no shame being directed in any way to anyone who is sexually
different. I hope you learn to embrace yourself, accept yourself, and come to
terms with yourself rather than keep punishing some loving woman by making her
think that there is something wrong with her for not wanting to live this way.
How many of us remember these famous words?
It's not my problem. You're the one with a problem.
Yes, this is the beginning of the great mental beating down
of almost every straight wife who lives with a husband who can't be honest with
her for fear of losing what he is protecting the most--namely HIMSELF. But
that's another subject for another day.
However, I do like to stay timely and relevant, so let me
say a word or two about acceptance. Over the past six months, a movement has become
prioritized in our society called "ME TOO." This movement started as
a result of sexual victimization of women through harassment--ranging from
sexual pressure to sexual violence and rape-- who wanted their voices to be
heard. They wanted those years of silence to become resounding as they told
their stories one by one in long lines that couldn't be stopped. Some women
waited 40 years to tell their stories--but they stood up and were validated. These
brave women ranging from actresses to young girls who became our Olympic
champions raged with indignation against their predators and let the world know
that they women were no longer going to live with the shame of sexual abuse.
I suggest that "WE
TOO" be the adopted slogan for straight wives starting on this
holiday. Rather than hide in the emptied closets of our husbands for fear of
public shame or ridicule that we are forced to live with under people's
snickering of, "How didn't she know?" or "He wasn't gay when he
married her," why can't we shout out those words? "WE TOO" shows the world that we were also victims and
not volunteers. Some of you lingered in abusive marriages for 5, 10, 15, 20,
25, 30, 35, 40 and longer years of alienation, degrading, manipulating, sexual
rejection, loss of self-esteem, and gaylighting. Some of you were held hostage
through mind beating by insensitive narcissists who knew how to love-bomb you
only to drop a bomb on you. Even the nicest of gay husbands--and I do know some
of them who have become close friends of mine--took from you what you
deserved--the right to be in a "straight" marriage.
The "WE TOO"
movement includes millions of us in this country and millions more around the
world. Gay men who marry us later tell us that they did it because they were
"victims of society." And I do get it. I understand what it's like to
be a victim. But that doesn't give a man the right to bring someone into his
life to avoid or hide it from the public by grabbing some loving, innocent
woman into the same trap he is trying to escape from. In the end, he just feels
"double trapped" by society--and now YOU. He views you as the jail
keeper. You are the one keeping him from happiness. He has to try to make you
happy which once again comes back to his greatest fear--performing the role of
a "straight" husband. It doesn't make him love you more; it only makes
him resent you more. These men think they are setting themselves free from the
judgment of society, when in fact, they are now more miserable than ever. And
who gets the brunt of it? WE DO. That's we have to stand together as straight
sisters and say, "WE TOO!!!"
Sadly, we are a huge minority, and yet no one is hearing our cause because we
are the voice of SILENCE.
I don't know any group that I can think of that feels so
isolated as we do. While others are out there demanding their rights through
having their voices being heard in the media, on television, in marches and
pride parades, we are huddled in the back of the empty closets afraid to raise
our hands to unite ourselves and let the world know that we are out there. We
should feel no shame about being a straight wife. I am not looking for people
to feel sorry for us, but rather to display the empathy and understanding that
is so much missing from this issue. It can only change when we decide to have
our voices heard and move out of the closet into the world while saying, "WE TOO!"
Saying those words will help you feel validated and a victor
instead of a victim. When we don't have to be afraid of people knowing our
truth--and YES--it is our truth to tell--it is validating--not negating our
stories. We don't have to stand in that closet anymore--we can take a hammer
and nails and board it up for good so that we don't have to retreat back to it.
Bottom line--start loving yourself enough or even more on this Valentine's Day
so that you can keep moving "straight ahead" for all of your future
ones. Love to all of you from ME on this special day of love.
FROM THE VAULT ON VALENTINE'S DAY
The following article is from a newsletter published over 15
years ago. The message is still powerful, so please read it.
HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY--NOT
In the past, I have written about the
difficulty that straight wives have during the holiday season. It is not
uncommon for depression to set in somewhere around Thanksgiving and continue
right through the New Year. During that six-week period, there are three
holidays that revolve around family happiness and unity, something most of us
are missing.
While we get caught up in the
preparation for these holidays, we can’t help but to feel an emotional letdown
when they actually take place. We know what they represent, and yet, we never
feel the wonder and joy of what the holidays represent that others are feeling.
We go through the motions waiting for the emotional impact to kick in, but when
it doesn’t, that’s when the depression sets in.
And now, just as we start to get back
to our “normal” existence state of mind to cope in our relationships, we are
once again brought down by the most hurtful holiday of all—Valentine’s Day.
This is the day that exemplifies love and romance. It’s hearts and flowers all
the way. It’s the day that symbolizes what being in love is all about. It’s a
day where two people who love each other take the time to stop and think about
that love and to remember how it feels to be “in love” even if some of the
passion has faded through the years.
If you are the wife of a gay man, this
is a day that really hurts. This day, more so than all of the other holidays,
is a slap of reality about your marriage. You see, on the other holidays you
can cover yourself with a veil of illusion because they are family holidays.
Whatever you are lacking in your marriage can be compensated for through your
children and other family members. But Valentine’s Day is different. It’s about
the two of you. And no matter how you justify it by thinking it’s a day of love
in general, it’s not. Yes, you can buy Valentine’s Day cards for your son or
daughter, mother and father, co-workers and friends to try to make it better.
But there’s really no escaping what it really is—a holiday for lovers.
The reason why this holiday in so
painful is because it is upfront and personal and right in your face. No matter
how you try to avoid dealing with the reality of living with a gay husband on a
day-to-day basis and lull yourself into a false sense of security, Valentine’s
Day reminds you of the lie you are living with the man whom you fell in love
with and married in good faith. It’s a reminder of everything that you were
supposed to have but were cheated from having. And the man who robbed you of
your dreams is still lying in bed next to you. Each morning when you wake up
with him next to you, it’s one more day of living a lie.
Now the lie wasn’t your lie to start with—it’s his lie. But it has
become your lie because you’re living it with him. You’re going through the
motions of what marriage is supposed to be, but it’s falling way short of what
your intentions were when you made that commitment at the altar Your husband,
who promised to love and cherish you through sickness and health ‘til death do
you part, never mentioned that he would never be able to love you the way you
needed to be loved. In fairness, maybe he didn’t know that he wouldn’t be able
to do it. No doubt, he was hoping that he could pull it off. And I’ll even go
so far as to say that maybe he didn’t come to terms with the fact that he was
gay on that life-changing day. But in almost all cases he knew he was having
conflicting feelings. He knew something was off even if he couldn’t figure out
that it was homosexuality.
Even when I speak to gay men who tell me that they honestly didn’t
believe that they were gay, or hadn’t acted on those impulses prior to
marriage, they still knew looking or thinking about men sexually aroused them.
And even if they still couldn’t come to terms with that, they knew when they
stopped making love to you early in the marriage that they were not attracted
to you because you were a woman. But they kept quiet because they were afraid
if they told you their secret, you may blow it for them. You might pull away
their security blanket leaving them vulnerable and feeling naked. It wasn’t
always an easy choice for them to keep lying to you, but it was easier than
telling the truth.
So to those of you who are living in one of the many situations that
bring us all together under this umbrella of commonality, let me personally
wish you a Happy Future Valentine’s Day. Believe me, it can happen to
you just like it happened to me. This is a day I celebrate in a big way. It’s a
day that makes me happy because I have a man whom I am in love with. He makes
my heart flutter and my knees still get shaky when we touch—and that’s after
eight years. I don’t say that to brag, but rather to let you know how life was
meant to be. You were meant to have a man who can love you and make love to
you. You were meant to meet someone who would cherish you and treat you as if
you were the most important part of his life. The fact that you were
sidetracked doesn’t mean that you are doomed forever. It is never too late to
find the happiness you are seeking as long as you don’t give up hope. And even
if you don’t want to think about falling in love, at least think about not
living in an abusive situation. Work on loving yourself enough to move away
from a man who is not your soulmate but who is destroying your soul instead, one
layer at a time.
Go out and buy yourself a giant box of chocolates. Enjoy each one of
them as you remember how sweet life is supposed to be and how wonderful it will
be once you remove yourself from a disastrous situation.
MUCH LOVE,
Bonnie ♥
