BONNIE KAYE'S STRAIGHT TALK
April 2018 Volume 19,
Issue 200
Bonnie’s Mantra:
LIFE WAS NEVER MEANT TO BE THIS COMPLICATED. PERIOD.
COMPUTER RADIO PODCASTS - www.blogtalkradio/bonnielkaye
Live on
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NEXT HEALING
WEEKEND
My next HEALING WEEKEND will be
outside Washington D.C. on Saturday, April28 – Sunday, April 29. There is still
time to join us. If you would like to be part of this amazing weekend, please email
me at Bonkaye@aol.com and put the word “Healing” in
the subject box. I will send you the details this month. There is no charge for
the weekend outside of travel, lodging, and food. This is a life-changing
experience for people who need help during the grieving and recovery process.
THE STRAIGHT WIVES NEW
ICON - SILENT NO MORE
This is my new icon
for our women. It was designed by my favorite artist, Maureen Tillman, a
straight wife herself who understands suffering. It represents how so many of
us have been "shut up" as we are/were being "shut down" to
protect our husbands' secrets of homosexuality. In this day and age, it keeps
making less sense to me that we are standing in the darkened closets abandoned
by our husbands who decided to find their "authentic lives"--but not
without making us promise to "keep THEIR gay secret OUR secret." As
crazy as that seems, it is the case for too many of our women. You might think
that in the newest established world-heard "ME TOO" testimonials of
women shouting their truths to bring public awareness to their horrific plight
of sexual pressuring and exploitation, our chants would also be heard. We would
be yelling at the top of our lungs, "We too!!" inspired by "Me
too!!"
Nope. That's not what has happened--YET. Every blue moon we
get to see an article, a Youtube video, or a blog that quietly mentions
STRAIGHT WIVES. In fact, we are so excited to see something that touts our
cause because so little ever makes its way to the media unless it is
sensationalizing those few couples who have decided that sexuality really isn't
an issue in their marriages. Yes, the media loves those stories even though it
doesn't represent about 97% of us, misrepresenting our nightmares.
We're not lining the
streets as activists do carrying signs talking about our plight. We're not
making demands to be recognized as a group of women who have suffered words
that aren't even part of the English language because those words combining our
collective abuse have not even been thought of yet. And though I know you're
probably tired of me bringing this up
over and over again....well--I'm sorry. I have to. Not for me--but for you.
You see, I am free. I am free because for 35 years I've been
"pitching our plight." Yes,
since 1982 when I started my first in-person support group, I've been standing up
and speaking out on behalf of straight wives. I took that chance and shouted
out the unfairness of our situations on shows such as Oprah, Sally Jesse
Raphael, and Phil Donahue before most people even heard about straight/gay
marriages. Since then I did my share of documentaries for this country, Canada,
and England to expose and educate the public to what we go through in our
journeys of pain.
It was easy for me because I was a fighter for years before
this battle. Fighting injustice in a meaningful way is what my life was
about--even if it wasn't the conventional way. Maybe it's because I'm a Libra
that everything in the world needs to be in balance. Maybe if I were born a
month earlier or later it would have been different--I'll never know! But I
didn't hesitate to ask people to support us in our plight to let gay men know
that it is NOT okay to marry a straight woman, and even less okay to keep that
secret from her while you're out there doing your gay sex thing.
Back then, the battle was more difficult. We didn't have the
internet nor the information that we have today. In the 1980's, people
questioned me on how I could accuse such a "macho man" like my
ex-husband of being gay. I didn't get mad at them because I questioned that
myself. How could he be gay? He's a martial artist who could beat people with
his hands. How could he be gay? We did have sex. How do gay men have sex with
women? Impossible!! By the nature of the word "gay," it meant men
wanting men--not men wanting women. I knew gay men. I had gay friends. I lived
in California during the 1960's when gays were prominent and out there instead
of hiding. I knew gay. I also was smart enough at the time of my marriage to my
gay husband to know that you can't turn a gay man "straight."
I learned that lesson years before. In California in 1968, I
met a guy when I was 17 and he was 23. When I found out that he was openly gay,
I said to myself, "All he needs is the love of a good woman." Yes,
that's how little we knew about homosexuality back then. I fell in "puppy love"
with him, and he claimed he "loved" me, but that couldn't stop him
from being gay. I was smart enough to say no when he suggested we get married.
I knew that love was not enough to make a relationship work with a man who
couldn't stop being himself--and he knew it too.
I also had a boyfriend named Andy in high school who came
out many years later. It was a short run, but we enjoyed our time together. Gay
was not a topic people talked about in the mid 1960's, so I was totally
clueless not even knowing anyone who was gay. When Andy sought me out 10 years
later, he revealed in our conversation he was gay. I had no idea how that happened
to this strapping, good-looking man. I met him in Miami Beach, Florida for a
weekend. The first thing I said to him was, "I am so, so sorry that you
are gay." He asked me why. I told him that it was such a hard life for
someone to live the 1970's. He said he was happy with his life, and please do not
to feel "sorry" for him. But I did. I didn't understand how anyone
could be happy living a life where they were scorned and ridiculed. But he had
no intention of getting married to a woman, and he claimed that as much as he
loves women as friends, it's different than loving them as wives.
So yes, I knew gay. Or so I thought I knew it. The equation
was simple:
Gay = Same Sex Attractions
Not sex with the opposite sex. It could have never been
within my spectrum of knowledge back then that a gay man would even want to
have sex with a woman--and certainly not a marriage with her. How little we
knew. How difficult to understand. How horrible to find out. How devastating to
deal with--on so many levels.
I've been telling the stories in my newsletters for 18
years. Yes, this month marks 18 years of newsletters. 18 years of telling the
stories the way they are as far as affecting people living in this confusion.
18 years of spreading the word to thousands here in the U.S., Canada, Mexico,
South America, Europe, Australia, China, and Africa. 18 years of "thank you" letters for
shedding light in a world that was otherwise dark. 18 years of validation of
everything that I speak about from straight wives, gay husbands, parents, other
family members, and best friends who were caught in this mire of confusion.
None of us expected the gay "wrecking ball" that would one day roll
through our path and strike us down like bowling pins in a lane.
This "straight wife phenomena" is not like any
situation I've ever encountered in my long life. I've never seen any group of
people who have been victims that are so afraid to tell their stories to
anyone. I do understand--more than you know. I see the looks that people throw
us when we tell them--looks of disbelief or that we are telling lies. They
question how we couldn't know after years of marriage. They question how our
husbands became gay if they weren't gay when they married us. And when the gay
serial marriage criminals marry women again and again, how does that make us
look? It makes us look like pathetic liars. So unlike other minorities who are
willing to shout out about their horrors, we just get sucked deeper into that
closet that our husband finally came out of. He bolted out, but you are still
stuck in there--hiding.
He'll tell you that it is not your secret to tell.
You don't have the right to announce he is gay to other people--including YOUR support system. Besides, there
were other problems in the marriage BESIDES
gay. "Hardee har har" as
Lippy the Lion used to say in his cartoon. Or as I tell people when they tell
me jokes that aren't funny--NOT VERY FUNNY. Is your husband for real? There
were other problems? Like what? You were suspicious of him while he was out
there cheating on you? Like you would cry because he didn't want you near him
and found you repulsive? Or maybe you didn't like the way he brought you home
some sexually transmitted disease that he'll swear you gave to him and hold you
accountable even though you never dreamed of cheating on him.
One thing I will say to you:
Living
their lie with them is different than living their lie FOR them.
Once they leave, you
are under no obligation at any point not to tell the people who are part of
your support system. You lived HIS LIE
with him for 10, 20, 30 or more years. Now it's time for you to start living YOUR TRUTH. You don't have to remain in
his closet hiding when he is out living his "authentic" life.
And guess what? If your family and friends want to find
fault with you for staying in the marriage as long as you did or leaving it
when you did, they are not part of your support system. Avoid them as much as
possible because you only need people who can lift you up--not put you down.
You don't need your support network dictating to you about how long it's taking
you to recover. This will take a long time--no matter what. Years of peeling
away your self-esteem, chiseling into your feminine spirit, and questioning
your sense of sanity through "gaylighting" will be a one step at a
time recovery. Let's not forget how your life will have to be rearranged.
Join my "WE TOO" movement. If you would like to
buy a beautiful tote bag with our new symbol, write to me and I'll send you the
link. I carry mine wherever I go. It always is a talking piece--and we need to
start talking. We need to let people know about our plight. Let this be your
new mantra--WE TOO!!!!
If you like to order a carry bag from Maureen's picture, it
is now available. Write to me at Bonkaye@aol.com if you would like the link to
buy one. They are big, bold, and beautiful!!!
MAILBAG
The letter below comes from a young woman whose mother is
part of my support network. She asked me to share her thoughts with you.
Dear Bonnie Kaye,
You do not know me. I am the daughter of a woman in your
private Facebook group of Straight Wives Healing Journey. From the bottom of my
heart I want to thank you for the work you do. How you wholeheartedly support
these traumatized women much like my mother. If you let me I would like to give
a message to these traumatized women.
"Dear beautiful women, I am a daughter of one of the
wounded women in this group. My mother regularly speaks of your support. Words
fail to express my love for you all. How my heart breaks for you all. I feel so
sorry you all had to/are having to experience the pain of denial, betrayal,
rejection, abuse, humiliation, rejection of the depth of your love as a woman.
I feel so sorry that you have been/are unseen, unreceived, not understood,
unloved, unsupported, unempowered and unwanted in the depth of your love as a
woman.
Those that humiliate you in your pain are NOT your
friends! You all deserve to be surrounded by people that Love and Care for you
as you are today no matter what that looks like. Please do not allow the
scarcity of loved ones to make you settle for less than you deserve. While I am
not like you and obviously everyone of you has their own unique experience and
way of coping I feel your pain. It is not my intention to push you. It is my
intention to show my Love and Care for you as a group of beautiful wounded
healing women. Please forgive me if my words impale to the sentiment of your
experience.
As a woman and a daughter of a wounded healing woman like
you I felt called to let you know that the problem is not you! It is
unfortunately the way that the current society is build. Please be kind and
gentle with yourself. Give yourself the peace and space you can to grief in any
way that works for you. As women we must lift each other up and not bring each other
down. Anyone that brings you down I dare you to be brave and tell them and what
it touches in you. I dare you to tell them your longing, how you would like to
be treated and I dare you to set your boundary when they cannot treat you with
the love and respect you deserve. I will not say I understand what you are
going through/have been through.
I feel only those that have actually experienced it can
say so and then still it will vary. So to expect one to understand is setting
yourself up for disappointment but for sure you MUST expect to Be Loved and
Respected as you are, where you are at in your truth of your experience. You
owe it to yourself.
Dear beautiful women my heart goes out to you. I wish you
all much strength, love, warmth and care on your healing journey.
Much love, Aimée"
Thank
you, Aimee, for your heartfelt words.
Next
is a letter from a gay husband who asked me to share this with my readers..
Hi Bonnie,
I wrote to you back in November for help because of my
torture of living life as a straight husband when in fact I am gay for my whole
life. You were kind and understanding to me more so than anyone else that I
went to. You didn't judge me at all. Rather, you understood my struggle and
felt my pain. You also explained to me why it was so important to be honest to
my wife because she was suffering even more than I was not knowing why our
marriage wasn't working. I was so scared to hurt her, but you showed me how
living this way was hurting her more.
I just wanted to let you know that I came out to my wife a
few weeks ago. We talked and cried for six hours that day and more since
then. She said she had suspected this for several years. We had
lots of ups and downs each day, and she felt this might be the problem. She is
seeing a therapist in our area for support as we go through our transition.
My wife was very understanding when I told her the truth.
She didn't yell and scream like I feared. Of course, she had all the questions
you said she would have. I answered her with the truth which I know was
painful.
As I told you before, we have three adult children. I plan
to tell them next week when they come here for the Easter holiday along with my
wife so they can understand that our upcoming divorce has nothing to do with
her. I never want them to think for one moment that my wife was at fault in any
way. We are both committed to work through this as a family and hopefully stay
friends.
You told me during our early conversations that the best
way to maintain a healthy relationship for the sake of our children is to do
the right thing as far as being emotionally and financially responsible to my
family. I know that may take time but I am committed to whatever it takes to
help my wife transition through our separation and divorce.
Thanks for your encouragement and time. I have heard you
talk about several gay men who have harassed you publicly by calling you
homophobic, but I want people to know that you were the least homophobic person
that I ever met. You didn't blame me, accuse me of anything negative, or make
me feel worse than I already did. You spent hours of your time encouraging me
to do the right thing by telling my wife the truth. You didn't even know me,
but when I reached out for help in desperation, I heard from you within hours.
I am forever grateful, and if anyone challenges you, your knowledge, or you
compassion, know that I will always be there to defend you and tell people the
truth about the real Bonnie Kaye. I would appreciate it if you share my words
with your newsletter readers to let any of the gay husbands who read your
letters know that there is hope for a better life when you do the right thing.
Forever grateful,
George S., MN
Thank you for your kind words, George. Please keep me
updated on how things are progressing. Thank you also for doing the "right
thing." xoxo
HELP FOR
THERAPIST KIM MAZELLA
Kim Mazella is a therapist in Virginia who specializes in
straight wives having been one. She is a wonderful advocate for us. Please take
a moment to fill out her anonymous
survey below. Just post the link into your browser. Thanks!
Dear Bonnie,
I have updated my 2016 straight spouse survey, and
was wondering if you would be willing once again to share the link with your
ladies? I am only looking at women with gay husbands this time (not trans),
because I think some of the issues are different.
This is a
confidential, anonymous survey that looks at different aspects of the straight
spouse experience. I would love it if you would post the link to get as much
data as possible. I will be presenting the results at a meeting of therapists
and divorce attorneys on April 27th, then plan to write up the results for
publication.
Thanks and take care,
Kim Mazella, Psychotherapist
NEW SUPPORT
GROUP FORMING IN THE ATLANA, GEORGIA AREA
Last week, therapist Dr. Maggie
Bonnet, joined me on my Straight Wives Talk Show. Maggie has helped a number of
straight wives over the years. She is starting a support group for straight
wives in the Atlanta area. If you would like to join her, please email her at
this email address:
maggiebonnet@petrichorcounseling.com
Here's a link to our show so you can listen by pasting it
into your browser:
http://www.blogtalkradio.com/bonnielkaye/2018/04/02/bonnie-kayes-straight-wives-talk-show-with-dr-maggie-bonnet
The week before, we had such an inspirational therapist,
Bill Martin, from Chicago, Illinois, join our broadcast. Enjoy with the link
below:
http://www.blogtalkradio.com/bonnielkaye/2018/03/19/bonnie-kayes-straight-wives-talk-show-with-therapist-bill-martin
Have a
wonderful month!
Love,
Bonnie
♥
