BONNIE KAYE'S STRAIGHT TALK
OCTOBER 2018 Volume
19, Issue 203
Bonnie’s Mantra:
LIFE WAS NEVER MEANT TO BE THIS COMPLICATED. PERIOD.
COMPUTER RADIO PODCASTS - www.blogtalkradio/bonnielkaye Live on
Sunday night 8 p.m. EST or any time after the live broadcast!
NEXT HEALING WEEKEND
My next HEALING WEEKEND will be in the Orange County, CA area from
April 12 - 14, 2019. If
you would like to be part of this amazing weekend, please email me at Bonkaye@aol.com and put the word “Healing” in the subject
box. I will send you the details this month. There is no charge for the weekend
outside of travel, lodging, and food. This is a life-changing experience for
people who need help during the grieving and recovery process.
NEW BLOG: Please visit my new blog on my website at
www.gayhusbands.com. You'll see the icon that will take you there. Read stories
from women in our network and feel free to send me your story to share. You can
use whatever ame you like--real or not! WE TOO--SILENT NO MORE!
GAY
HUSBANDS WHO REMARRY WOMEN
In my private support group, a number of women find
themselves (a) extremely angry, (b) extremely hurt, or (c) extremely confused
(most likely all three) when they find out that their gay husbands who totally
rejected them sexually are now remarrying another woman. Can this be possible
that a man who has admitted to you that he prefers men is once again getting
married to a woman? Yes, it is.
When it happens, women feel sucker punched all over again
and less validated than ever. All of the people we have told our truths to shake
their heads in disbelief--towards US.
- "How could
your husband be gay if he is marrying another woman?" is what they
think--or say.
- You are a
"vindictive little bitch of a scorned wife" spreading rumors
about your husband saying he is gay when he found a lovely new wife.
- Your family
questions why you are doing this to your husband. Your credibility to
those who begrudgingly supported you because they also thought he was such
a "great guy" goes down, down, down the drain.
What's even worse is that you start to question YOURSELF.
- Maybe I wasn't
enough of a woman for him.
- Maybe I should
have lost more weight...gained weight...enlarged my breasts....
- Maybe I wasn't
supportive enough for him.
- Maybe I was too
pushy--too demanding.
When it comes to this issue, ignorance abounds and is
plentiful. Here are some of the comments that I have heard from
"outsiders" through the years when they see your gay husband remarry
a woman:
1. He isn't really gay. He told her that because he
wanted out of the marriage and thought she'd be happy to let him go. After all,
why would he marry someone else if he's gay?
2. Well, if he was "gay" when he was married to
her, can you blame him? She was so
controlling...unattractive...demanding....mental....but now he found a real
woman so that proves it wasn't true.
3. How could he be gay? He doesn't look gay or act
it--but she isn't very feminine. She's probably the gay one. After all, he
found a very nice new wife.
Yes, I've heard these and
numerous other slanderous stories about straight wives. This is why we stay
locked up in our husbands' closets for so long--fear of getting slapped down
one more time by one more ignorant person. After a while, you just shut up.
It's easier than trying to validate yourself with every uninformed ignoramus
you run into.
The truth is there are some gay men who are serial
criminals. They withhold their information to all of their future wives. And I
say wives--because some of these men are responsible for multiple marriages
after you. They will do anything to make sure that people think they are
straight. And sadly, in many cases they think they are straight.
It's so interesting to watch all of these men who are NOT
straight justify how they are. You know how I say the penis is the dividing
line? Well, it's not to them. They just like a little "spice" in
their lives. Or they'll call their wives "prudes" because they don't
want to swing with other men--and them or because their wives refuse to wear
"penis gear."
Some of these men go with transgender or watch trans
porno. They really feel safe from that label of "gay." After all, the
transgender has breasts and "identifies" as a female. That means your
husband is straight because he is attracted to breasts and wanna be women. I always say it doesn't matter how you dress
it up--a penis is a penis--and if you want to think about it, fantasize about
it, touch it, play with it, or more--let's agree to call it at least "NOT
STRAIGHT." I think that some men could at least admit to that
classification rather than "gay" if it makes him feel better.
Don't ever believe that your gay husband is going to be
any different with his new wife. These guys don't change because they can't.
Their new wives will live the same frustrations as you do as you'll read in one
of my classic articles below:
Bonnie
Kaye Klassic
I wrote about this nearly 16 years ago when I described
the Straight-Gay man. Since many of you may not have read it, and since it is
keeping with this topic, I'd like to share it again.
WAITING FOR HIS CONFESSION THAT WILL NEVER COME…AND WHY
I have coined a new term for another classification of gay
husbands. It is “Straight Gay Husbands.” I hope you like it. It is my new
reference to gay men who are permanently living the straight life, sort of like
wolves in sheep’s clothing. They are the husbands who will not acknowledge
their homosexuality privately or publicly--ever. Some of them know that you
know, but try to confuse you enough to put enough doubt in your mind to make
you think that you are the crazy one. It’s the best defense to your “offensive”
questions. These are the men that shut you up or shut you down the moment you
think about making mention of the possibility of homosexuality. They know what
they are, and they know what you suspect, but keep your mouth shut because they
don’t want to hear about it--especially from you.
These men are different than the gay husbands that admit
they are gay/bisexual but promise not to act on those needs while they remain
married to you. (Like we really believe that story!) They are also different
than the gay husbands who are leading very secret lives and not leaving a trail
of crumbs for you to follow. They are not even quite like the Limbo Men I have
described who are caught in between two worlds. These are men who are
definitely not stuck. They are identifying strictly as straight. There is no
way they are entering the gay world through the front or back door, or even
through the closet. They detest the gay world and what it stands for which
gives them even greater reassurance, at least to themselves, that they are not
gay.
The Straight Gay
Men are the ones who have to remain in total control of all of their
physical motions lest someone should suspect they are not quite as straight as
they claim. It’s funny how many women tell me how their husbands’ physical
appearances, gestures, and movements change once they come out. I can’t even
fathom how difficult it must be to have to go through life calculating every
breath and step you take. It’s sort of like walking down a sidewalk and having
to make sure that you “don’t step on a crack or you’ll break your mother’s
back” as the game use to say. My balance and coordination never let me win that
game.
These husbands are quick to use you and the children as
their proof that they are not gay to the outside world just in case they let
their guard down and anyone might accuse them of the “unthinkable.” They
honestly don’t identify as gay even though they have sex with men. They don’t
get themselves involved emotionally with men, just sexually. That helps them
justify the fact that they are straight, not gay.
Some women can’t understand this. If you look like a duck, walk like a duck, act like a duck, but have
sex with a goose, are you still a duck or are you a goose? I say you’re a goose.
I don't care what you act like to
the outside world; I only look at who satisfies you sexually. And if you’re a
duck making love to a goose, your feathers have to ruffle in a different
direction when you stand up and straighten them out. But this does make things
that much more confusing and complicated. So, to simplify your confusion, let
me say this—STRAIGHT MEN DON’T HAVE GAY
SEX. You can call it whatever makes you feel better, but I still call it
gay—all
the way.
Women who live with Straight Gay Men and Limbo Men are
often the most commonly emotionally abused women. They would have to be. Their
husbands are truly living in a complex world that makes little or any sense.
They are living unfilled lives because they don’t have any emotional
connections. They don’t connect emotionally with their wives because they
aren’t really straight. They don’t connect emotionally with men because they
refuse to be gay. And so they function but don’t connect. This lack of
emotional connection creates a sense of insensitivity when it comes to your
feelings and your emotions.
It also closes them up as human beings. They are unable to
connect with a wife because they are living an internal--and what seems like an
eternal--lie. This lie keeps overtaking any sense of good feelings towards the
person whom they believe is responsible for this state of living—namely you.
Now we know it is ridiculous to think that you should be their reason for
living this lie, but subconsciously, this is how they feel.
As much as they love to have you as their “cover” is as
much as they hate to have you sharing under their covers. They resent your
nagging demands for sexual intimacy because it “isn’t their thing.” It’s your
thing. And why do you have to try to make them feel inadequate just because
they are? Even when you stop asking for it, you are still thinking about it and
they can tell. It means they have to come up with a continuous string of
stories to account for their lack of sexual behavior with you. This puts
pressure on these guys who feel you are being unreasonable. Why do you have to
make such a big deal out of sex?
They feel that in all other ways, they are ideal husbands.
They are there raising the family with you. They are helping to support your
financial needs or at least sharing in them. They are taking part in the social
activities that you have decided are important. They are doing lots for you—and
how do you show your appreciation? By badgering them with little innuendos and
questioning looks. This really shows a lack of appreciation on your part and so
they get pissed.
The Straight Gay Men think they are Supermen. And to a
degree, they are. They juggle, manipulate, calculate, and carefully plan out
all of their actions. It takes a lot of energy to do this, and they marvel at
their ability to pull it off. It gives them an air of smugness that shows in
their personality. I’m not quite sure what they think they’re pulling off
because they know that you are doubtful of their explanations. There are only
so many headaches, backaches, depressions, and side effects from medication
that you can keep relying on. But they feel confident if they use these excuses
enough, you’ll give up. Most women do. As I’ve said before numerous times, no
woman wants to feel like she has to beg her husband to make love to her. It’s
degrading and demeaning. We get the hint after enough sexual rejection and stop
asking. But it doesn’t mean that we stop thinking—and wanting.
Every time we see other couples holding and caressing
lovingly together, this is a reminder. It’s a reminder of what we thought we
should have had but never were able to achieve. It’s a reminder of what our
hopes and dreams were for married life when we took that life-altering step and
said, “I do.” We are momentarily
reminded of what marriage was supposed to be, but never became. And this
sadness shows in our faces, in our eyes, and in our hearts. When our husbands
glimpse at us, they know what we are thinking. They know what we are wishing.
They know that the words they don’t want to hear may possibly be coming out of
our mouths at any moment. Rather than take a chance and have to come up with
one more excuse, they find some way to knock us down and put us back into the
non-assertive mental state that they so easily know how to do.
We are women who have been
conditioned. Remember, Straight Gay Men remain in the marriages indefinitely
and have years to erode your sense of self-worth. They are not going anywhere,
and they want to make sure that you feel inadequate enough so that you won’t go
anywhere either. I don’t know who could have taught these men about the facts
of life and marriage, but obviously, they weren’t listening or didn’t have a
teacher. Didn’t anyone ever tell them that sex is part of marriage? Didn’t they
ever hear that intimacy grows from making love to the person who loves you? Do
they really believe that they can sit for years in a marriage and overlook that
little detail? Yes, they do. And we become their silent partners because we
have been silenced on the issue of sex.
The irony is that even if you leave these men, as some
women do, they will remarry again. Yes, they will remarry another woman. They
will still do their occasional gay sex thing to satisfy their sexual need, but
that goes with the territory. It is amazing to me how these men can live such a
delusional existence until the day they die. And they will drag other women
into their webs of deceit. The next victim (and men who do this more than once
are victimizers) will fall for it just like you did—but even better. Your Straight Gay Husband has a track
record. He will still use you as his shield by telling his next conquest that
he was married before, ergo, he is straight. And the woman who is in a
subsequent marriage with this man has no reason to question his sexuality at
all. He married before; he’s marrying again. Chances are his next wife will
feel even more inadequate than you feel. He’ll make sure to tell her that the
two of you never had problems in the bedroom before. And if she does meet you,
she’ll be too embarrassed to ask you the truth. And sadly, you’ll probably keep
protecting him by keeping silent.
So if you are in a long-term marriage to a Straight Gay Man, don’t plan on
things ever getting better. There may be temporary second honeymoon periods,
only to prove to you once again that you are crazy for even suspecting there is
something wrong with your wonder man. But it’s guaranteed that things will
resort back to the “normal” pattern of digs, harsh words, and put-downs. Count
on it. Then decide if this is the most that you want out of life because as
long as you are in this marriage, this is all you can expect.
There is a
word that describes what these husbands do: COMPARTMENTALIZE. This means he is
able to keep his behaviors separate and tied up in neat packages without
letting one interfere with the other. The Straight Gay Men live their lives this way. They are able to separate
their need for sexual dabbling with a man from their “straight lives” as
straight husbands. I do tell our women that as long as you allow your husband
to live in his “compartmentalized closet,” he will remain there forever. The
fact that you remain in the marriage to him allows him to justify even more
that he is straight—especially in his own mind. After all, his wife isn’t going
anywhere, right? This convinces him even more.
So if your happiness is
waiting for a confession that won’t be coming, do yourself a favor and stop
waiting for it. Take control of your
life and GET OUT before you allow yourself to totally lose who you are.
Remember—if your husband can’t admit he is gay to himself, he will never admit
it to you. In his own warped sense of reality, he is a straight man.
BONNIE'S
STRAIGHT WIVES TALK SHOWS RESUME ON OCTOBER 14, 2018
My weekly podcasts resume this Sunday evening. You can
listen any time at your convenience by going here:
http://www.blogtalkradio.com/bonnielkaye
When you go to the site, you can be asked to be notified
of upcoming shows.
Have a peaceful month!
Love, Bonnie ♥
