BONNIE KAYE'S STRAIGHT TALK

AUGUST 2021     Volume 22, Issue 10

Bonnie’s Mantra:

LIFE WAS NEVER MEANT TO BE THIS COMPLICATED. PERIOD.

BONNIE’S FINAL HEALING WEEKEND

This is a reminder that our Healing Weekend—my last—will take place in Philadelphia on October 23^rd and 24^th.This will be a wonderful weekend of sisterly bonding, sharing, laughing, crying, and learning. There is nothing more empowering than being in a group of straight wives who understand your pain and struggles. Their stories will truly inspire and comfort you. We also have some excellent speakers who will be sure to make you feel better! Please email me at Bonkaye@aol.com if you need information.

WAITING FOR AN APOLOGY

In our online support group, the issue of “forgiveness” often comes up. I did some research in my files for an article I wrote about this ten years ago. I think it expresses my feelings the best…so read on. I’ve added a few revised thoughts towards the end.

ACCEPTANCE VS. FORGIVENESS

Throughout the years, I have heard almost every professional state that in order to totally heal, you have to “forgive.” Now I’m not criticizing this thought—I just have never really understood it. That doesn’t mean that this concept is wrong—but maybe it isn’t quite right.  Many say that you to need to forgive to move on. They say that living in a state of “un-forgiveness” is unhealthy—FOR YOU. And I do realize that when people don’t forgive, often it is because they are angry. I do agree that if you don’t channel anger, it can become bitterness—and that’s where the problem comes in as far as hurting YOU.

I guess where my thoughts differ are when it comes to “earning” forgiveness vs. blind forgiveness. Some women are far more charitable than I am. They are able to forgive their husbands for all of the lies, deceptions, loss of self and sexual esteem, and of course the marriage just because they are unconditionally wonderful women. Men luck out when they find women like this. I admit I am nice—but not nice enough to join this particular circle of friends. But I’m not judging—whatever works for our women works for our women!

My comfort level is on the next rung down of the forgiveness ladder. I believe in giving forgiveness when it is EARNED. Earning forgiveness doesn’t mean hearing the words, “I’m sorry.” It means saying them and understanding what you’re sorry about. Allow me to clarify that. I don’t expect men to say they are sorry because they are gay. Gay is not a choice—being honest about it is. But here are some of the things men can be sorry about:

1. I am sorry I wasn’t honest with you before we were married about my attractions to men. I loved you so much I really hoped those feelings would go away and I would be the husband you deserved.

2. I am sorry that I made you feel that something was wrong with you sexually in bed while the whole time it was me not wanting to be with you sexually because you are a woman and I am a gay man.

3. I am sorry that your life is now turned upside down because you had it mapped out to be spent with me until death did we part.

4. I am sorry you will be struggling with the challenges of single parenthood. It was not my intention to have children and leave them afterwards. I will do everything I can to be a responsible and loving parent even though we live apart.

5. I am sorry that I cheated on you and lied to you during our marriage. I was selfish in doing this and just trying to hold everything together because I love the family and could not figure out how to handle the situation. 

Any one of these apologies is a good start in showing that your husband understands what is going on in your life and in your mind. The sad thing is that so many of our women never hear these words from their husbands. Instead, they hear constant blame and criticism explaining away the failure of the marriage as being the failure of the women as a wife. “You were never supportive enough.” “You were never clean enough.” And the best, “You were boring in bed.” Yep, I guess so. It is hard to be exciting in bed with a gay man when you don’t have a penis, isn’t it?

Anyway, you can read lots of articles about the importance of forgiveness. One article I read stated:

When you forgive it does not mean you forget what has occurred. Realize the pain of the experience may not completely leave and it is acceptable to grieve a loss. 

You may have residual feelings of pain from a wound. Give yourself time to heal. Forgiveness does not deny responsibility for behavior. 

Simply commit to not hold the other person in debt. The benefits far outweigh holding onto the pain.

So many articles that I have read all have the same message. Forgive—and you’ll be happier. You don’t have to forget—but at least forgive.

I still do not feel comfortable with that advice for everyone. Depending on the seriousness of the offenses, I just don’t believe in unconditional forgiveness. However—there is another alternative for moving on and letting go of the anger before it turns to bitterness—and that is ACCEPTANCE. When you can accept that your husband is gay and realize that you could never do anything to change it, you can start letting go of the anger.  When you realize you weren’t STUPID, but rather loving and trusting, you have accepted that you are not to blame for staying so long or putting up with so much so that you can start to move on to the rest of your life which is waiting for you.

You see, part of the anger you have inside of you is towards him—but part of it—on some level--is also towards yourself. It may be subconsciously, but you buy into the external messages that keep telling you that you should have known and taken action sooner. It’s so nice when other people outside the situation start making judgments on your life, isn’t it? Life isn’t always that clear-cut. Sometimes those shades of gray are hovering over you and drowning your thought processes. You’ll blame yourself for the problems in your marriage because you start to believe the words that your husband keeps telling you over and over again. He’s happy—you’re the one with the problem. These guys know if they repeat a lie enough times, the person they are lying to will start to believe it. Remember that “Gaylighting” theory I spoke about last year—the one that is the calculated process of making you think you’re imagining everything that is actually true? It’s easy to be deceived in this situation, and at times, even easier to live in a state of LIMBO for fear of changing the known to an unknown. This is the problem of living in fear. The fear of the known is often less paralyzing than the fear of the unknown for people who are already living in their own private hell.

Getting back to my point--if you can allow yourself to accept the situation rather than forgive it, well, that is fine too. You don’t have to feel “obligated” to forgive or forget—just to accept what is. And once you accept that “it is what it is,” you can start putting the anger behind you and move forward in re-finding yourself.

Now, I still stand by those words written ten years ago. However, I would like to add an additional thought.

About ten years after my marriage was over, my gay ex-husband accused me of being an “angry woman” and not letting go of my anger against him. He asked me what it would take for me to “get over this.” I said to him that if he would listen to the pain I had gone through and truly understood it--that would help. He sat with me and let me tell him all of the pain he caused me, long after the marriage was over. He said to me, “I am really sorry. I didn’t realize I hurt you so much. You know I love you.”

At that moment, I felt so valued and validated. I could finally forgive him, and, in turn, I would allow him to tell me the details of his lust life—and I did listen for a long time. I was so stupid because as the ultimate narcissist, he now won me back as his “best friend” to listen to him complain daily about everyone who didn’t agree with him and every problem he had. I should have paid better attention to my own writings and advice. But he was manipulating, and I allowed him to be. I can give you a lot of bad excuses, but that is what they are—bad excuses. The day finally came many years later when I realized I was encouraging his bad behavior.

This epiphany came about for me after watching an episode of the Sopranos. Perhaps some of you recall this show about Tony Soprano—a gangster with no conscience—who didn’t hesitate to “whack’ an enemy…or sometimes even a friend. The man was totally compartmentalized and had no conscience for his crimes. However, he was a dedicated father who loved his children and took care of them. It was hard to hate him when he was so full of misdirected love.  My ex was also a sociopath with no conscience. The difference between the two of them was that my ex-husband was not a devoted father—but he sure enjoyed telling everyone he was.

On one of the later episodes of the show, Tony Soprano’s therapist was mocked by her colleagues for treating a notorious criminal. They asked her how she was able to keep working with him year-in and year-out because he was a sociopath who had no intention of ever changing. Sometimes he really played her with minimal attempts to change—or at least he verbalized that to her. But after a number of years of treatment, she had to face reality and let him go as her patient. As one reviewer wrote, “Instead of trying to get better, he was just practicing his ‘gift of gab’ on her.” Sociopaths are really good at doing this.

I realize now that when my ex-husband told me he was sorry, he really wasn’t sorry at all. He was just in the process of roping me in once again as his audience. I was so willing to settle for so little—just like when we were married. Any drop of kindness was over magnified 100 times in my own head. His apology allowed him to continue to abuse me mentally for many more years until the day I said, “STOP—I CAN’T DO THIS ANYMORE.” Like Tony Soprano’s therapist, I realized there would never be any change—for the better.

That is why I have learned that words without actions to back them up are merely words—and meaningless. Some of us are so damaged from these marriages that we are so happy to keep the crumbs being strewn our way in the form of “friendship” following the marriage. Too many times I have heard our women say that their new “friends” (i.e. their ex gay husbands) have a need—as mine did—to talk all about their new relationships as if we were their best friend, asking us for advice. How hurtful is that? Very. But they don’t think about that. They weren’t worried about hurting us while we were married to them, so trust me when I say they care even less now that we are not married.

The lesson to be learned here is this—Forgiveness on our part can come in some form when there is concrete efforts made to make up for the damage. Talk is cheap as they say. Actions are what count. And without the actions, it’s just cheap talk,

I AM ENOUGH

I hear women using the phrase “I am enough” all of the time—and it really makes me upset when I hear it. It is like putting yourself down instead of building yourself up.  

In one article I researched, it said:

‘I Am Enough’ means knowing that you are enough just as you are. By accepting that you are enough, you are able to love who you are. When you accept that you are good enough as you are, you can spend your time and energy on giving and receiving that which you deserve.

 Now this may be nice for other women who have been put down in their lives, but I say it is not “enough” for us to be “enough.” Why? Namely because we aren’t like other women who were in straight marriages—even very bad ones.

 And that is not a “put down” but rather a “lift up.” Our women aren’t like others. We have been living in the web of deceit for years. It forced us to look at ourselves to see where we were failing in the marriage. After all, why wouldn’t our husband who loved us so much and married feel repulsed when we showed him affection or sought intimacy?

 We were “gaylighted” for years by the lies of our husbands who made sure that we knew that we were at fault for the failure of our marriage. We did nothing right in their eyes. Once in a while they would throw us a “bone of hope”—which is composed of crumbled cookies that can’t be made whole ever. But that “bone of hope” gave us the courage to waste more years in a destructive, unfulfilling marriage. We weren’t giving up the ship no matter how fast it was sinking.

 

A bad marriage of any kind is depressing, and I am sad for women who find themselves married to men with all kinds of personality disorders. It’s never easy on them. But take that and multiply it by 100, and then you will get a more realist overview of the damage done to us by our gay husbands.

 So, instead of saying, “I Am Enough,” let’s say, “I am MORE THAN ENOUGH.” Because as straight wives, we are!!

 Final notes:

My radio shows will resume in September. If you are willing to share your story to help other women, please let me know. Here are some recent ones if you missed them!

 

Heather Bennett

https://www.blogtalkradio.com/bonnielkaye/2021/07/12/bonnie-kayes-straight-wives-talk-show

 

Dr. Margalis Fjelstad

https://www.blogtalkradio.com/bonnielkaye/2021/06/07/bonnie-kayes-straight-wives-talk-show-with-dr-margalis-fjelstad

 

Susan B.

https://www.blogtalkradio.com/bonnielkaye/2021/05/24/bonnie-kayes-straight-wives-talk-show

 

Cindy

https://www.blogtalkradio.com/bonnielkaye/2021/05/17/bonnie-kayes-straight-wives-talk-show

 

Meagan

https://www.blogtalkradio.com/bonnielkaye/2021/05/31/bonnie-kayes-straight-wives-talk-show

 

Love and peace of mind, BONNIE

 

                              BONNIE KAYE'S STRAIGHT TALK

                              MAY 2021     Volume 21, Issue 09

Bonnie’s Mantra:

                       LIFE WAS NEVER MEANT TO BE THIS COMPLICATED. PERIOD.

 

UPCOMING HEALING WEEKEND!!

Well, sisters, this is my last hurrah. We’ve all been through so much with over a year of isolation due to the pandemic. Now life is easing back to a semi-normal state and I want to do one last healing weekend. Last? Yes. Now that I have kidney disease, I’m not sure how my health will be in the future, so I want to do it now while I can still be of good mind and body. Women who have attended these weekends will attest to the feeling of sisterly love that comes out of them as well as the validation we are always looking for.

The weekend will be the weekend of October 23^rd in Philadelphia, my home town. Philadelphia is a city loaded with history and museums, so you may want to add a day or two for a mini-vacation. 

If you are interested, please let me know immediately, and I will send you details as I progress in getting this together. Please email me at Bonkaye@aol.com and write “Healing Weekend” in the subject.

HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY TO ALL OF OUR MOTHERS

This is the time of the year that all mothers are to be remembered, but I’d like to give extra kudos to straight mothers who were either left as single mothers to struggle on their own or to those who continued to stay in a lack-luster marriages and also struggled daily because they thought it was best for their children.

I have to be honest. Having a gay husband certainly did affect my mothering skills. My gay ex was a trip. He was an overt narcissist who tried to control everything in our lives. Why? Because he had no control over his own life and feared his gay secret would come out. He was the boss—he was in control. Of course, like all overt narcissists, he did it with a combination of loving/mincing words.

          Loving: You know that no one will ever love you as much as I do.

          Mincing: You know that no one else will ever love you.

Yes, that “lift me up to slap me down” strategy was very effective.

If anything went wrong with our children, he made sure to left me know it was MY fault and MY lack of mothering skills. The fact that he demanded so much more attention from me than my children needed was not even a consideration for him.

I was very fortunate to have the marriage end when my children were still babies. In case you forgot or didn’t know my story, my ex-husband raged at me when I found a love letter to him from a young guy sticking out of his wallet. You see, in the days before technology and the computer, we had to do all kinds of detective work manually. This one wasn’t too difficult because his wallet was on the table and the letter was sticking out. It was an easy catch for me.

When I confronted him with the letter—after he swore to me that he was rid of this young man months earlier—instead of feeling remorse, he felt angered yelling, “How dare you go through my personal property. That was MY wallet. It was a private letter.” Of course, this was one time I didn’t cower down because I was so infuriated. He would normally “shout me down to shut me up,” but not this time.

His response? Pack up his things and leave. Take the car. Leave me $50.00 on the table. The telephone was disconnected because he built up a huge bill and didn’t pay it. I had a sickly 3-month old and a 2.5 year old baby. He yelled, “I’m going to my mother’s house in New York to live.”

Even though this was so many years ago, I can still remember my emotional feeling of shock thinking, “What am I going to do now?” At that time, I had no education other than my high school equivalency diploma, I had no marketable skills, two little babies—including a chronically ill infant--and a battered brain from my marriage. My ex had told me on a daily basis that I would never be able to make it without him, and you all know the drill—constant brainwashing of a brain that was already battered daily.

And yet, as scared as I was on that day, there was a wonderful feeling knowing that I had two babies to take care of and not three. My ex was more time demanding than my children, so I was able to see a silver lining. By day three and four of the split, I began to take back my life and who I was before this marriage. It gave me the strength I needed  when he came knocking at my door on day seven with his suitcase in hand—thinking he taught me a lesson—and I was able to say, “The marriage is over.” Of course, he said, “You are willing to break up a marriage with two children?” I said, “You had no problem doing it—and neither do I.”

Unfortunately, even when you are OUT of a relationship with a controlling narcissist, you are not out of it because you have children to share. And so for the next 20 plus years, he was there to constantly remind me about my lack of mothering skills and always trying to buy the love of the children. I say buy—meaning gifts to impress them—and his friends and fans. He never mentioned that he refused to give me child support ever. He did get them big ticket items on birthdays and Chanukah such as furniture, trips with him, and even cars. Yep, he was the great Disneyland Dad. Sadly, he treated the kids the same way he treated me, so all the gifts in the world didn’t win their love. But he just didn’t get it.

If there were problems with the kids not “loving him” enough, he would claim it was because I must be “poisoning their minds.” I think not. Actually, I was overly generous to him when it came to the children and learned how to bite my tongue every time he disappointed them—which was most of the time. I made excuses for him. I assured them work had kept him away when it was gay clubs and gay cruises he was on. I didn’t do it for him—I did it for THEM. I learned that children are made up of two parents, and when one of those parents rejects them, they feel as if it is their own personal problem that their parent doesn’t love something about them. Also, when YOU knock the parent in front of them, they also take it personally because they know half of them is made from that parent. It’s a lose-lose, so I kept my anger to myself or shared with other adults.

Would I have been a better mother without my gay ex? Absolutely. Most of my time was spent trying to keep the peace, dodge his bullets, and protect the children. Women always tell me the best thing that came out of their marriage was their children. And yet, think how much different their lives—and our lives—would have been if we had been married to a true partner who loved us for the wonderful women we are instead of finding ways to trip us up to avoid us so God forbid we may want to have marital sex. Because the bottom line is the bottom line—for a gay husband. He will do whatever it takes to make sure that we have no desire to share that marital blessing called love making with someone that makes him want to gag. Maybe not in the beginning—although for some of us from the beginning—but eventually this will be his truth.

As most of you know, I lost both of my children when they were in their early 20’s. I always think about how much more time I could have spent with them if I had done the right thing—namely go after my ex-husband for child support so I wouldn’t have to work three jobs to survive. I encourage all of our women to do better than I did when it comes to fighting for what is right for you and your children in court as far as support. Finding strength to fight narcissists and sociopaths is so emotionally consuming, and I only regret that I didn’t have the enough strength to do it.

To all of the wonderful mothers that are part of this network, Happy Mother’s Day to all of you. Never beat yourself up for trying to do the right thing. Just realize that in most cases you can never win because the odds are always stacked against you when your husband is gay!

KISS – MY NEW EXPRESSION

We are living in confusing times. I will be the first to say that I don’t like it. There is no more “objective” reporting in our lives. Everything is tainted with personal opinions on every issue. I have watched over the past few years as people have become hateful to each other because of different opinions over politics. There was a time when people could have different opinions without it affecting their friendships or families. Not anymore. Now you have to watch what you say for fear of being branded by some unpleasant name. Once again, I don’t like it.

In a world filled with “political correctness,” somehow straight wives are more behind the eight ball than ever, meaning we are now the ones being more minimized than ever. In the old days, when 2 + 2 = 4 under all circumstances, we had a fighting chance to be heard even if we weren’t willing to speak out. Now that the world has turned upside down, we have virtually no chance because no one cares about us or what our struggles are. Gay is the show now, and every variety of the alphabet soup is in on this. What I mean is this: When I was growing up in the 1950’s and 1960’s, I never even heard the word “gay” until I was 14 or 15 years old. Then people would whisper about one of our classmates who was “different” because they thought he liked boys instead of girls. In fact, “gay” wasn’t even part of the vocabulary. It was “sissy.” Yes, those were the days of ignorance because what did we know? People stayed away from this young man based on the fact they viewed him as “abnormal.” I tried to friend him because I, too, was an underdog in my own right looking for others to bond with. He wasn’t interested, however.

By the time I was 17, I moved to California in 1968, and I learned quickly what gay was. Gay was abundant and out in California back then. My first gay-guy crush was a man named Glenn who was charming and charismatic. I really fell for him knowing absolutely nothing about “gay,” I believed if I loved him enough he could change. Silly me. He made an attempt to love me and to make love to me on several occasions, but it never worked. Why? Because he was gay. I learned he was not an option. Yes, life was pretty black and white back then for me!

I met many openly gay men and women in California who only had an interest in friendship—never romance because they were gay! And that was fine with me. I didn’t try to “convert” them to the straight side. I believed in my heart—even back then—no one would “choose” this life if he or she could “choose” to be straight.

Now life has become far more complicated. It went from LGB to LGBT to LGBTAI and now a bunch more letters that I I am just ignoring. I really don’t care what new labels people are coming up with—as we used to say, “Whatever floats your boat” is fine with me. Who am I to argue about your sexual identification? I can hardly argue about something that I don’t understand. Gay, yes. Lesbian, yes. Even bisexual—I understand it, but I don’t really believe it. Anything else-No. I don’t understand. Maybe I was born too early to understand it.

And I don’t argue about it. I accept it—even if I don’t get it. I look at people for who they are—not for their sexual identification.

So now that I’ve got that out of the way, here is my point. More and more articles are being published trying to “confuse” us into thinking that people who are what I call “UNstraight” are really straight.  Yes, UNstraight is what I call anyone who is part of the alphabet coalition. I coined that terminology so that we wouldn’t have to think too much about all of those different letters and rungs on the Kinsey scale. This is part of my new thinking of KISS, which now stands for:

 KEEP IT STRAIGHT, SISTER

I am really tired of people minimizing our pain even further by thinking that men who have sexual encounters with other men are NOT gay. In a recent article shared by a support group member, the author did the study of 100 men who identify as straight but still had encounters with men stated:

“These men do not find men handsome or attractive, but they do find penises attractive, and they thus see penises as ‘living dildos’ or, in other words, disembodied objects of desire that provide a source of sexual pleasure.:

The article concluded:

 You can be a “good father,” which many men imply to mean being a strong, straight man, while still messing around with men on the side. From these men’s perspective, they can have it both ways — the privileges of identifying as straight and the pleasure and excitement of same-sex relationships on the side — without their identity being threatened.

Another woman posted an article by Joe Kort, who tells gay men they aren’t necessarily gay just because they sleep with men. Kort stated:

 "When straight men sleep with men it’s a guy thing, not a gay thing. In general, men have more transactional sex with one another, in general women don't. Men have objectified sex where it's just about the act, it's just about getting off, people man-shame him. When straight men have sex with men they’re still straight, it doesn’t erase heterosexuality.

I could go on with a whole bunch of other professional gays who will say the same message—“you don’t have to be gay to have sex with a man.”

Oh, and by the way, Joe Kort will also counsel you for $300 - $400 per hour to CONVINCE  you that you’re not gay just because you want to have sex with a penis!

So now I’m going to counsel you for FREE. If a man wants a penis in any way, shape, or form—he isn’t straight. And according to my critics, he may not be gay. But one thing is for sure—he is UNstraight. This includes men who go with transsexuals who look like women on top but still have their penis. UNstraight. And no matter how wonderful a man he is, do you really want a man who is obsessed by a penis? Do you want to be with a man who is fantasizing about another man or male organ? I say NO. And if you agree, then don’t let any of these WOKE people confuse you with their UNtruths!

Be good to yourself and KISS - KEEP IT STRAIGHT, SISTER!

STRAIGHT TALK RADIO SHOW RESUMING MAY 16^th!!

My blog talk radio show will be resuming on Sunday, May 16^th at 8 p.m. EST.

I am very excited that some of the women who participated in our Straight Wives: Shattered Lives 3 book will be starting off the series. You can go to the link at:

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/bonnielkaye

 

Here you can listen to past or current shows anytime during or after they are broadcast.

 

If you would like to tell your story to connect to others, please email me at Bonkaye@aol.com.

 

Wishing all my wonderful women the happiness you all deserve!!

 

Love, Bonnie

 

BONNIE KAYE'S STRAIGHT TALK - FEBRUARY 2021

BONNIE KAYE'S STRAIGHT TALK

FEBRUARY 2021     Volume 21, Issue 209

Bonnie’s Mantra:

LIFE WAS NEVER MEANT TO BE THIS COMPLICATED. PERIOD.

Bonnie Podcasts: http://www.blogtalkradio.com/bonnielkaye

INTRODUCING OUR NEWEST BOOK

I am excited to announce our new collaboration book has recently been released. Straight Wives: Shattered Lives Volume 3 tells the stories of women from around the world who are part of my support network. They share their stories of the effects that their marriages had on their lives. The proceeds from all of my books help to sponsor my healing weekends and website. You can purchase your copy at Amazon.com or all other retailers. The book is available in paperback or kindle.

The cover was designed by my friend Heather Pettersen, a wonderful artist in Mississippi. It truly depicts the reality of our situations. The proceeds from all of my books help to sponsor my healing weekends and website. You can purchase your copy at Amazon.com or all other retailers. The book is available in paperback or kindle.

WHEN DO THEY REALLY KNOW??

The cover of our new book reminds me of a topic that I would like to talk about. Often, our husbands have told us that they married us having no idea they were gay. They swear they loved us when they married us and found themselves attracted to us. They built a life with us, and in some cases, they really were our best friends. Okay, in almost all of our cases, the sex started dwindling with a short amount of time, but hey—you were both busy with work, raising children, buying a house, buying cars, going on vacations, etc. etc. etc. And of course—ALL COUPLES SEE THEIR SEX LIFE DIMINISH OVER TIME—DON’T THEY?

I have worked with over 3,000 gay married men over the last 38 years. They come for me seeking advice and help. To be clear--they don’t come to me for advice before they get married, but rather when they are ready to get un-married—from you. They ask me for help on how to move out of the marriage in the way that will be least detrimental to you—and of course, to them.

In the early years of conversations I had, I always used to ask the same question. But now I stopped asking if they knew they were gay before marriage because every one of them said, “NO—there was no way for me to know that.” At first I thought they were really lying to me, but then I realized they were being honest. They didn’t believe they were gay because they fell in love with you and married you. They couldn’t be gay.

Most of the women in this support network are 40 and older. Back in the 1970’s in this country, gay men did NOT want to be gay. In the 1980’s with the onslaught of AIDS, they DEFINITELY did NOT want to be gay. Even a hint of “gay” could destroy their reputation and families. Those who came from religious backgrounds were told quite clearly, “Gay is a choice. Put those ‘evil’ thoughts out of your head because you will go to hell.”

There were those awful stereotypes of gay men who were swishy in walk and lisping in talk. Some gays you just knew like Paul Lynde and Charles Nelson Reiley or they would see straight actors like Milton Berle dress up in a dress swishing his way across the stage. That is what they thought GAY was. What they processed was gay was “evil, depraved, and perverted.” They weren’t like those stereotypes that were labeled as “gay.” All they had to do was fall in love with a woman and those feelings would disappear for good. Or so they were told by their families, religious leaders, and anyone else they ran across and hinted about their attractions. And some of them were able to perform sex with women in their younger years which REALLY fooled them and gave them hope.

Enter kind and loving women like us. What did we know about gay? Oh, we did know some things—specifically GAY men wanted to be with GAY men. No one ever mentioned to us that gay men would be looking for women to marry, have children with, and then cheat on us until they were ready to leave—if ever. See, back in the 70’s and 80’s, your gay husband could be miserable living with you—but he wasn’t going anywhere. By the mid-80’s when gay could equate to a death sentence due to AIDS, no one was running around saying he was proud and gay. That was a definite no-no. These loveless marriages truly believed in the vow, “Till death do we part,” and that day-to-day death was killing both the wife through rejection and the husband through deception (living his daily lie).

People think I’m sympathetic to the gay husbands who marry you. In a minimal way, I am. They were the victims of our society that forced them to lead a life of torture. And yes, I even give them a pass on not knowing they were gay when they married you in almost all of the cases. Yes, they knew they had “male attractions,” but they were promised that those desires would fade after marriage. Why not take a chance?

Okay, I’ve heard that story several thousand times, and I get it. I really do. But that’s about all I get. I don’t get the fact that these men who are supposed to love and cherish us treat us like the enemy and look to trip us up and “gaylight” us on a daily basis. I don’t get it that they are cheating with men on a regular basis, bringing homes STD’s from their sexual encounters but blaming you for infecting them with STD’s. I don’t get it that they find fault with you in everything you do no matter how great it is because it is easier than accepting blame for their lack of being heterosexual and married to you. Yep, there are lots of things I don’t get—and after nearly 40 years of trying to learn and study this, I still don’t understand.

In our new book of Straight Wives Shattered Lives Volume 3, women tell the stories of how these marriages gutted them emotionally, sexually, and even physically. As with all of your stories in this series, it is painful to think about the collective years of abuse that we have suffered as straight wives. I think back to 20 years ago when I met a woman, Ella, from New England who made me cry. She told me the story of the man she fell in love with twenty years earlier. He was such a sweetheart. They had fun doing everything from dancing to going to movies to playing board games. She was so thrilled that she met her soulmate, and two years later when he asked her to get married, she was so happy to say yes and plan the wedding she had always dreamed of. Throughout the two years of dating, there was no sexual activity beyond hugging and kissing, but both of them came from a Christian background, so this was not a problem. Ella said she would be happy to wait until after marriage to make love—as it should be.

The wedding took place six months later on a beautiful spring day. The couple had over 100 people there to wish them good luck on their future. They quickly exited for their honeymoon in Mexico at a beautiful resort. Their first night together was spent hugging in bed—but nothing more. For the rest of the honeymoon, there was always an excuse: a headache, a backache, an earache, and exhaustion. But he would hold her close, stroke her hair, call her beautiful, and say that he loved her.

When they returned home, her husband told her that he had to have a talk with her. He seemed nervous and edgy. Ella had a moment of total fright wondering what kind of bad news he was about to reveal—because she knew it would be bad news from the way he was acting. He told Ella that his worse nightmare had come true. She panicked thinking maybe it was some catastrophic medical problem like cancer. When he said no, it was nothing life threatening, she breathed a sigh of relief. She could handle ANYTHING else after that.

He went on to say that he had never been intimate with a woman before. He had always had problems getting an erection even if he was excited by a woman. He had been to doctors who had tried various medications with him, but nothing worked. He was going to now go back to the doctor to see what he could do, but in the meantime, no sex. He begged her to stay with him and promised to love her in every other way. What kind, loving woman would say no to that? After all, in her wedding vows she did say for better or worse, in sickness and in health. Okay, this was sickness. She wasn’t about to give up her wonderful husband and dreams of her future for sickness.

Her husband went to doctors over the next year every month looking for a “penis cure.” They still slept close and near together—but a peck on the face was the extent of their physical contact. After a year of no luck, he told his wife the doctors diagnosed him as “asexual.” This was back in to the late 1980’s and early  1990’s when so little was known about sexuality. People could title themselves anything and people of innocence or good faith just believed it—especially when you loved someone. Ella decided that she loved her husband enough to stay with him even though she remained a virgin. After all, love and marriage was about so much more than sexuality, and she didn’t want the man she loved to feel worse than he already did. She did EVERYTHING to build up his confidence as a man, especially when he begged her to stay with him even though he couldn’t perform like a man.

Fast forward twenty years later. Yes, it had been a decent marriage. Her husband was kind to her in many ways. He was a good worker, he bought them a beautiful house, they had friends and family to celebrate holidays with, and she learned to mute her desires as a woman through the no choice plan. She told herself sex was something people stopped doing after a while anyway, so what’s the big deal?

So now Ella’s husband buys a computer. He claimed that he really needed it for work because his job was being more technological. She was amazed at how much of her husband’s time was consumed by that computer. Ella used a computer at her job as well, but when the day was over, she was done. She couldn’t imagine why her husband had to work all day and now be on the computer at least four hours each evening.

One day, when Ella was off from work, she went to her husband’s office in the house and walked over to his computer. Yes, she was curious about his activity for hours each night. He had made it clear that the office was his PRIVATE room for work, and that she was not to go in there. On the screen she saw the picture of a young man—no more than 20 years old. Oh…let me add a young NAKED man. She was computer literate enough to know how to search his files. She was shocked. There were pictures of over 150 young guys. She searched his email for his correspondence with some of these men and after the first five or six, she ran out of the room to vomit.

Her husband wasn’t asexual—he was GAY sexual. He had lied to her for over 20 years about his life. When he came home, she was ready to confront him. She had seen enough and she knew the truth. Of course he was speechless. He began crying swearing he wasn’t gay. He swore that even if he had urges, he never acted on it. But she had the proof…and just like that, the marriage was over. She called me so depressed because she felt she gave her life away for nothing. All of those years she questioned herself as a woman and why she couldn’t turn her husband on. And although the at least took the responsibility for being “asexual,” she still felt it was her fault for not being sexy enough…pretty enough…appealing enough…oh, we all know the “enough” feelings, don’t we? Which leads to my next message.

HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY TO ALL OF OUR WOMEN

When I lived with my gay husband, Valentine’s Day never ceased to disappoint me. What I was looking for was a romantic, loving evening filled with words of promise and…some sex. Well, romance with my gay husband was an oxymoron now just saying it…but not knowing it for the first few years made me wonder where I WAS GOING WRONG. My gay husband kept insisting that once you get married, you don’t need to make such a big deal about it. A card, a box of chocolate, and a kiss should do the trick. Well, they didn’t. They just made me feel worse. Think about all of the disappointing Valentine’s Days you had in your marriages, and you’ll realize that celebrating love was not the day your gay husbands looked forward too either. It was a painful reminder to them that they were married to a woman—a place they didn’t belong.

When you are married to a gay man, you need to sing that song Love Hurts. It starts out like this: “Love hurts, love scars, love wounds, and marks any heart not tough or strong enough.” These words are so true for loving straight wives who are unable to have that love returned in a meaningful way by their husbands. They say, “I love you, “but those words fall flat when there are no actions to back it up.

Self-love is a cliché to many of us at this point, but the truth is—it is the truth. If you learn to love yourself, you don’t have to feel lonely on Valentine’s Day. Or think about the true meaning of the holiday and how someday, if you are ready to open your heart again, you can celebrate it in a meaningful way with true love and romance. I love Valentine’s Day for our women because it means we have nine more months before we have to be bombarded by constant reminders from Thanksgiving to Valentine’s Day of loving families who seem to be happy because they don’t have a gay husband in the mix. Ah, tomorrow is day one of those nine wonderful months of being able to work towards more healing. Look on that bright side!

Much love to my special women on this special day!   Love, Bonnie