BONNIE KAYE'S STRAIGHT TALK
MAY 2021 Volume 21,
Issue 09
Bonnie’s Mantra:
LIFE WAS NEVER MEANT TO BE THIS COMPLICATED. PERIOD.
UPCOMING
HEALING WEEKEND!!
Well, sisters, this is my last hurrah. We’ve all been
through so much with over a year of isolation due to the pandemic. Now life is
easing back to a semi-normal state and I want to do one last healing weekend. Last?
Yes. Now that I have kidney disease, I’m not sure how my health will be in the
future, so I want to do it now while I can still be of good mind and body.
Women who have attended these weekends will attest to the feeling of sisterly
love that comes out of them as well as the validation we are always looking
for.
The weekend will be the weekend of October 23rd
in Philadelphia, my home town. Philadelphia is a city loaded with history and
museums, so you may want to add a day or two for a mini-vacation.
If you are interested, please let me know immediately,
and I will send you details as I progress in getting this together. Please
email me at Bonkaye@aol.com and
write “Healing Weekend” in the subject.
HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY TO ALL OF OUR MOTHERS
This is the time of the year that all mothers are to be
remembered, but I’d like to give extra kudos to straight mothers who were
either left as single mothers to struggle on their own or to those who continued
to stay in a lack-luster marriages and also struggled daily because they
thought it was best for their children.
I have to be honest. Having a gay husband certainly did
affect my mothering skills. My gay ex was a trip. He was an overt narcissist who tried to control
everything in our lives. Why? Because he had no control over his own life and
feared his gay secret would come out. He was the boss—he was in control. Of
course, like all overt narcissists, he did it with a combination of
loving/mincing words.
Loving:
You know that no one will ever love you as much as I do.
Mincing:
You know that no one else will ever love you.
Yes, that “lift me up to slap me down” strategy was very
effective.
If anything went wrong with our children, he made sure to
left me know it was MY fault and MY lack of mothering skills. The fact that he
demanded so much more attention from me than my children needed was not even a
consideration for him.
I was very fortunate to have the marriage end when my
children were still babies. In case you forgot or didn’t know my story, my
ex-husband raged at me when I found a love letter to him from a young guy
sticking out of his wallet. You see, in the days before technology and the
computer, we had to do all kinds of detective work manually. This one wasn’t
too difficult because his wallet was on the table and the letter was sticking
out. It was an easy catch for me.
When I confronted him with the letter—after he swore to
me that he was rid of this young man months earlier—instead of feeling remorse,
he felt angered yelling, “How dare you go through my personal property. That
was MY wallet. It was a private letter.” Of course, this was one time I didn’t
cower down because I was so infuriated. He would normally “shout me down to
shut me up,” but not this time.
His response? Pack up his things and leave. Take the car.
Leave me $50.00 on the table. The telephone was disconnected because he built
up a huge bill and didn’t pay it. I had a sickly 3-month old and a 2.5 year old
baby. He yelled, “I’m going to my mother’s house in New York to live.”
Even though this was so many years ago, I can still
remember my emotional feeling of shock thinking, “What am I going to do now?” At that time, I had no education other
than my high school equivalency diploma, I had no marketable skills, two little
babies—including a chronically ill infant--and a battered brain from my
marriage. My ex had told me on a daily basis that I would never be able to make
it without him, and you all know the drill—constant brainwashing of a brain
that was already battered daily.
And yet, as scared as I was on that day, there was a
wonderful feeling knowing that I had two babies to take care of and not three.
My ex was more time demanding than my children, so I was able to see a silver
lining. By day three and four of the split, I began to take back my life and
who I was before this marriage. It gave me the strength I needed when he came knocking at my door on day seven
with his suitcase in hand—thinking he taught me a lesson—and I was able to say,
“The marriage is over.” Of course, he said, “You are willing to break up a
marriage with two children?” I said, “You had no problem doing it—and neither
do I.”
Unfortunately, even when you are OUT of a relationship
with a controlling narcissist, you are not out of it because you have children
to share. And so for the next 20 plus years, he was there to constantly remind
me about my lack of mothering skills and always trying to buy the love of the
children. I say buy—meaning gifts to impress them—and his friends and fans. He
never mentioned that he refused to give me child support ever. He did get them
big ticket items on birthdays and Chanukah such as furniture, trips with him,
and even cars. Yep, he was the great Disneyland Dad. Sadly, he treated the kids
the same way he treated me, so all the gifts in the world didn’t win their
love. But he just didn’t get it.
If there were problems with the kids not “loving him” enough,
he would claim it was because I must be “poisoning their minds.” I think not.
Actually, I was overly generous to him when it came to the children and learned
how to bite my tongue every time he disappointed them—which was most of the
time. I made excuses for him. I assured them work had kept him away when it was
gay clubs and gay cruises he was on. I didn’t do it for him—I did it for THEM.
I learned that children are made up of two parents, and when one of those
parents rejects them, they feel as if it is their own personal problem that
their parent doesn’t love something about them. Also, when YOU knock the parent
in front of them, they also take it personally because they know half of them
is made from that parent. It’s a lose-lose, so I kept my anger to myself or
shared with other adults.
Would I have been a better mother without my gay ex?
Absolutely. Most of my time was spent trying to keep the peace, dodge his
bullets, and protect the children. Women always tell me the best thing that
came out of their marriage was their children. And yet, think how much
different their lives—and our lives—would have been if we had been married to a
true partner who loved us for the wonderful women we are instead of finding
ways to trip us up to avoid us so God forbid we may want to have marital sex.
Because the bottom line is the bottom line—for a gay husband. He will do
whatever it takes to make sure that we have no desire to share that marital
blessing called love making with someone that makes him want to gag. Maybe not
in the beginning—although for some of us from the beginning—but eventually this
will be his truth.
As most of you know, I lost both of my children when they
were in their early 20’s. I always think about how much more time I could have
spent with them if I had done the right thing—namely go after my ex-husband for
child support so I wouldn’t have to work three jobs to survive. I encourage all
of our women to do better than I did when it comes to fighting for what is
right for you and your children in court as far as support. Finding strength to
fight narcissists and sociopaths is so emotionally consuming, and I only regret
that I didn’t have the enough strength to do it.
To all of the wonderful mothers that are part of this
network, Happy Mother’s Day to all of you. Never beat yourself up for trying to
do the right thing. Just realize that in most cases you can never win because
the odds are always stacked against you when your husband is gay!
KISS – MY NEW EXPRESSION
We are living in confusing times. I will be the first to
say that I don’t like it. There is no more “objective” reporting in our lives.
Everything is tainted with personal opinions on every issue. I have watched
over the past few years as people have become hateful to each other because of
different opinions over politics. There was a time when people could have
different opinions without it affecting their friendships or families. Not
anymore. Now you have to watch what you say for fear of being branded by some
unpleasant name. Once again, I don’t like it.
In a world filled with “political correctness,” somehow
straight wives are more behind the eight ball than ever, meaning we are now the
ones being more minimized than ever. In the old days, when 2 + 2 = 4 under all
circumstances, we had a fighting chance to be heard even if we weren’t willing
to speak out. Now that the world has turned upside down, we have virtually no
chance because no one cares about us or what our struggles are. Gay is the show
now, and every variety of the alphabet soup is in on this. What I mean is this:
When I was growing up in the 1950’s and 1960’s, I never even heard the word
“gay” until I was 14 or 15 years old. Then people would whisper about one of
our classmates who was “different” because they thought he liked boys instead
of girls. In fact, “gay” wasn’t even part of the vocabulary. It was “sissy.” Yes,
those were the days of ignorance because what did we know? People stayed away
from this young man based on the fact they viewed him as “abnormal.” I tried to
friend him because I, too, was an underdog in my own right looking for others
to bond with. He wasn’t interested, however.
By the time I was 17, I moved to California in 1968, and
I learned quickly what gay was. Gay was abundant and out in California back
then. My first gay-guy crush was a man named Glenn who was charming and
charismatic. I really fell for him knowing absolutely nothing about “gay,” I
believed if I loved him enough he could change. Silly me. He made an attempt to
love me and to make love to me on several occasions, but it never worked. Why?
Because he was gay. I learned he was not an option. Yes, life was pretty black
and white back then for me!
I met many openly gay men and women in California who
only had an interest in friendship—never romance because they were gay! And
that was fine with me. I didn’t try to “convert” them to the straight side. I
believed in my heart—even back then—no one would “choose” this life if he or
she could “choose” to be straight.
Now life has become far more complicated. It went from
LGB to LGBT to LGBTAI and now a bunch more letters that I I am just ignoring. I
really don’t care what new labels people are coming up with—as we used to say,
“Whatever floats your boat” is fine with me. Who am I to argue about your
sexual identification? I can hardly argue about something that I don’t
understand. Gay, yes. Lesbian, yes. Even bisexual—I understand it, but I don’t
really believe it. Anything else-No. I don’t understand. Maybe I was born too
early to understand it.
And I don’t argue about it. I accept it—even if I don’t
get it. I look at people for who they are—not for their sexual identification.
So now that I’ve got that out of the way, here is my
point. More and more articles are being published trying to “confuse” us into
thinking that people who are what I call “UNstraight”
are really straight. Yes, UNstraight is what I call anyone who is
part of the alphabet coalition. I coined that terminology so that we wouldn’t
have to think too much about all of those different letters and rungs on the
Kinsey scale. This is part of my new thinking of KISS, which now stands for:
KEEP
IT STRAIGHT, SISTER
I am really tired of people minimizing our pain even
further by thinking that men who have sexual encounters with other men are NOT
gay. In a recent article shared by a support group member, the author did the
study of 100 men who identify as straight but still had encounters with men
stated:
“These men do not find men handsome or attractive,
but they do find penises attractive, and they thus see penises as ‘living
dildos’ or, in other words, disembodied objects of desire that provide a source
of sexual pleasure.:
The article concluded:
You can be a “good father,” which many men imply to mean
being a strong, straight man, while still messing around with men on the side.
From these men’s perspective, they can have it both ways — the privileges of
identifying as straight and the pleasure and excitement of same-sex
relationships on the side — without their identity being threatened.
Another woman posted an article by Joe Kort,
who tells gay men they aren’t necessarily gay just because they sleep with men.
Kort stated:
"When straight
men sleep with men it’s a guy thing, not a gay thing. In general,
men have more transactional sex with one another, in general women don't. Men
have objectified sex where it's just about the act, it's just about getting
off, people man-shame him. When straight men have sex with men they’re still
straight, it doesn’t erase heterosexuality.
I
could go on with a whole bunch of other professional gays who will say the same
message—“you don’t have to be gay to have sex with a man.”
Oh,
and by the way, Joe Kort will also counsel you for $300 - $400 per hour to
CONVINCE you that you’re not gay just
because you want to have sex with a penis!
So
now I’m going to counsel you for FREE.
If a man wants a penis in any way, shape, or form—he isn’t straight. And
according to my critics, he may not be gay. But one thing is for sure—he is UNstraight. This includes men who go
with transsexuals who look like women on top but still have their penis. UNstraight. And no matter how wonderful
a man he is, do you really want a man who is obsessed by a penis? Do you want
to be with a man who is fantasizing about another man or male organ? I say NO. And if you agree, then don’t let
any of these WOKE people confuse you with their UNtruths!
Be
good to yourself and KISS - KEEP IT STRAIGHT, SISTER!
STRAIGHT TALK RADIO SHOW
RESUMING MAY 16th!!
My blog talk radio show will be resuming on Sunday, May
16th at 8 p.m. EST.
I am very excited that some of the women who participated
in our Straight Wives: Shattered Lives 3 book will be starting off the series.
You can go to the link at:
http://www.blogtalkradio.com/bonnielkaye
Here you can
listen to past or current shows anytime during or after they are broadcast.
If you would
like to tell your story to connect to others, please email me at Bonkaye@aol.com.
Wishing all
my wonderful women the happiness you all deserve!!
Love,
Bonnie
