Monday, September 24, 2012

From Doomed Grooms

I mentioned I am in the process of updating Doomed Grooms. I want to share some of the excerpts with you. The book will be available by November. People who hear these stories but who haven’t lived them ask how stupid can we be. The truth is that it doesn’t happen immediately. It’s a process that happens over time. In the beginning, almost all of the gay men do have sexual relations with their wives. They may not be great, or very often, but they do happen. This is what confuses us. Our husbands are able to perform, have an erection, and in many cases, able to have an orgasm. At least for a while, that is. Some of them even find it pleasurable because after all, it is a sexual release. Therefore, these gay men can derive sexual satisfaction from a straight woman—but it is never going to be satisfying enough to keep away those nagging attractions and overwhelming desires for men. Some will give it their best tries, but ultimately, they feel they are missing something that you can’t give them no matter what you do to try to fix it. There are no fixes here. Their natural inborn need for men will eventually surface. Sometimes it’s in a year—sometimes it’s in 10 or 20 years. But the threat is always there, looming overhead. Numerous straight women also box themselves into accepting the decline of sexual intimacy in their marriages. They buy into their husbands’ excuses or abuses and let the sexuality part of them go into hibernation or wither and die all together. It is not unusual for a wife to blame herself for her husband’s homosexual thoughts or desires. Some gay husbands are cruel enough to blame their wives, stating that they weren’t this way before the marriage. Imagine how disheartening it feels when you think that you are so inadequate as a woman that your husband has to turn to men. This is when women start playing the dangerous game that I call the “If Only” game. It goes like this. “If only I could be a better wife….if only I was more attractive…if only I was better as a lover…if only I was a better housekeeper, if only I wasn’t so demanding…if only I could lose more weight….if only I was smarter…if only, if only, if only…then maybe he could love me enough not to think of men. And while we are playing the “If Only” game, some husbands are playing the other mind-twister game, which I call the “Blame Game.” This is where gay husbands come closest to revealing the truth by throwing in your face, “If I became gay, who could blame me? After all, you are too demanding…always making too many sexual demands…always complaining about something…gaining weight…acting jealous…being possessive …too sloppy….too suspicious…all consuming…and the list goes on. I mention these games because they hit directly into the sexuality issues. It is very difficult if you blame yourself for the sexual failures in your marriage to start repairing the damage to your sexual esteem. You feel unworthy of being a sexual being with normal needs and wants. You also doubt your ability to please a man because the man you have been living with makes it clear that you are not a sex-pleaser. Getting back into the swing of life after marriage or a relationship with a gay man can be very difficult.

1 comment:

  1. How many gay men have you counseled were sexually abused as children? I'm not sure I buy into the whole "I was born this way" excuse. Let's end the cycle.