Saturday, February 15, 2014



I'm a big believer in repeating important messages. So even though Valentine's Day has passed, many of you are still stinging because the day wasn't all you hoped it would be. To some of you it is a reminder of how you were duped in your marriage that promised love forever but gave you divorce instead. For others who are still trapped in their marriages, well, there's nothing like being married to someone who is more like your brother than a husband neither wanting you or desiring you like a woman--namely because you are a woman.

For straight wives, Valentine's Day is usually a wash. Oh yes--we can try to make it pleasant by telling ourselves that it's a day of love for everyone around us like our children, friends, and parents.  That's how we take those lemons and turn them into lemonade.  But in reality, we know in our  heads it is for the men in our "hearts"--not the men in our "hurts."
Some of us have made all kinds of "mental adjustments" of why we don't have that "lust" in our marriages instead of the "lack-luster." We buy into our husbands' words of, "We are not newlyweds anymore," and "Why don't you grow up and stop acting like a love-struck teenager?" 

I'm sorry to tell you that those words are typical of coming from a gay man. A straight man wants to make love to you and desires you when they love you. Trust me. I know. My soulmate of 20 plus years still loves to make love with me even though we are OLD and way out of shape! That lust should always be part of a partnership--not the sexual rejection you can count on from a gay man. And even if he's placating you by doing it "to you" rather "with you" in bed, it's not to make you happy--it's to make you think you're crazy if you think he is gay.    

How do I know this? Because gay married men tell me this. Are they thinking about your body and getting sexually turned on? No, they may love you, but they are lusting after their masculine body type to get turned on to you--not by you. Sometimes it even works. But I don't have to tell you how many times it doesn't work, do I? You already know that.

Sexual rejection is especially painful on Valentine's Day. All your preparations for a romantic evening with the man you love and want will rarely pay off. It doesn't matter how good the meal is or the cards and gifts are. That moment of repayment in terms of wanting to spend a "romantic night" with you is still in the distance like a mirage. You can see it--but you can't touch it. Most importantly, you can't personalize because it really isn't personal. You are a woman--and he is a gay man. Remember--gay men don't think straight--and gay men don't want straight women to make love to. Period.
It's funny--sort of. I do a lot of counseling with gay men to come out to their wives. Trust me--it takes a lot of effort to make this happen; however, I believe that honesty is essential no matter how much it hurts the woman when she learns the truth. Sadly, not every woman sees it this way. Some of them believe I am the cause for the downfall of their marriages. They were very content living their life as ostriches and hiding their heads way below the ground. Everything was going great until I came a long and "convinced" their husbands to disclose their homosexuality. Yes, a couple of these women have actually blamed me for the breakup of their marriages. Huh??? Trust me, I didn't talk their husbands into being gay--just into being honest.
Anyway, sticks and stones will break my bones, etc. Hopefully one day these women will see that their "perfect" marriages really weren't perfect at all. They were distortions of what a marriage should be. If they find a straight husband, they will finally learn that as so many write to me at a later time.

Getting back to my point. When women write to me about the end of their marriages, it is often with remorse. They call themselves all kinds of names--stupid, blind, oblivious, in denial, etc. All of you know that I never judge any woman for not knowing or not understanding even if she knows. Remember--I was warned two weeks prior to my marriage and ignored the warning. Who am I to throw stones when I lived in that same glass house?  When I confronted my gay ex-husband about accusations that had been made about him, he nearly threw over the dinner table we were eating at and shouted, "How dare someone accuse me of being gay?" Wow, I was so relieved. Any doubts I had quickly disappeared and I was full of hope and happiness. He even explained why the guy who told me his suspicions could have "misinterpreted" his words. He was trying to help the young man with some confidential sexual problems he was having thinking he might be gay. So my valiant ex in his effort to make the young man come to terms with himself told him not to worry. All men go though those feelings in life, especially in early adulthood. After all, he did too! But he fully reassured me that he just made that part up in order for the young man to feel more comfortable. It did make sense. My wedding was less than two weeks away, and was I going to let the suspicions of some young guy stop me from getting married? Of course not. It was so much easier to believe that lie for sure.

The difference between me and some of you is that I didn't want to KEEP believing the lies and pretend they were truths. Once the seed of doubt was planted in my brain, I was always second-guessing my ex's lies about his activities. After I heard the line, "Don't be ridiculous," enough times, I became tuned into the BIG LIE. When he would say that I'm crazy, I realized that meant I was correct in my suspicions. I wanted to be wrong, but I didn't pretend to be anymore.
You see, there comes a point when you have to stop believing the lies. Many of you have been candid with me and told me that you chose to believe the lies your husbands were telling you even though you had your doubts. It was far more palatable to go along with them than not believing them. After all, if you didn't believe the lies, you would be stuck with the truth--the truth that your husband is gay. That's a truth that most people don't want to face.  

As long as you are living his lie and knowing that you're doing it, he will continue to lie because there is no reason to admit the truth to you. Look--he is living a lie to start with. He is a gay man in a straight suit. He is playing the game. He's had a lifetime of role models that he can imitate. He knows what "straight" looks like. He grew up in a straight home. He is able to pass through life by "acting straight." He is able to get through sex with you by watching enough videos and seeing what he is supposed to do. Trust me, it doesn't come naturally. They learn to "mimic" the moves. And yes, they can "bust a move" for a while. They can convince themselves that they aren't gay because they can have an erection with you and do what they are supposed to do. They can even have an orgasm with you convincing YOU that they are straight. Trust me--I know. Your children are proof that they can do that. But also trust me when I tell you they are not "lusting" after you the way a straight man wants a woman.

Straight men are on auto pilot when it comes to sex. Gay men are can barely put this together and when they do, it is usually after drinking, drugging, or fantasizing. What straight men think about and fantasize about throughout the day--namely making love with you--gay men are thinking about it also as they have to figure out how they are going to do it. It reminds me of the lyrics to this song "Doin' What Comes Naturally" from Annie Get Your Gun from the 1950's" written by Irving Berlin:

You don't have to know how to read or write
When you're out with a feller in the pale moonlight.
You don't have to look in a book to find out
What he thinks of the moon and what is on his mind.
That comes naturally...that comes naturally.

Actually we can learn some more lessons from that little ditty:

Grandpa Bill is on the hill
With someone he just married.
There he is at ninety-three,
Doin' what comes naturally...doin' what comes naturally.

Actually we can take a lesson from this song's words. For straight men, sex with women comes naturally. It's on their mind more often than not.  For gay men, making love to a woman is such an effort or painful. Whatever time you put into planning your romantic evening, your gay husband is putting in just as much time planning how he is going to have sex with you when he doesn't want to. For him, sex is doing things "unnaturally."

The flames cooling off in the bedroom should be the first red flag you missed. You can tell me that you thought this is how life goes because you are now busy. You are both under pressure raising children and making ends meet financially. So that's a reason to stop having sex? Do you really think straight people stop having sex for that reason? Straight men do complain that their wives may not want to have sex for some of those reasons--but THEY STILL WANT IT.
How many nights can your husband be too tired to make love to you? 365 each year? 360? 350? Because it is rare that when you're married to a gay man to have sex more than that after the first few years. Yes. A red flag. But when he lies to you about it, you'd rather go along with it than confront it.   

Sex is the biggest red flag, but there are many other red flags waiving in your face that you are missing because you are really naive or because you really want to believe his lies. They include:

1. I wasn't looking at gay porno on the computer. It was a pop-up.
2. So what if I have gay male friends. I'm comfortable with my sexuality.
3. I like going to gay bars with my friends. It's such a compliment when a gay man tries to pick you up especially when you're straight.
4. Don't you know that gay men can't have sex with straight women? We have two children. What are you thinking?
5. Of course I have a private password for the computer. Everyone needs privacy.
6. I may have had an experience or two in my past, but all men experiment during their earlier years.
7. You snore too loud. I don't like sleeping in the same room as you. It keeps me up all night.
8. So what if I spend a lot of time at the gym. You want me to be in shape, don't you?
9. I would want you more if you would lose weight...gain weight...had bigger breasts...had smaller breasts...didn't smell "down there"....had better breath.
10. Stop acting like a nymphomaniac all the time. We're not 20 anymore.

And once you realize they are lies, stop pretending that they are not. The more you protect the lies of your gay husband, the more you encourage him to lie. Stop encouraging him. Know him for what he is. Remember--every day he lives with you as a straight husband is a lie. Now--lying  that comes "naturally" for him. Don't let him continue to do it. Living his lie with him should never be your goal or you'll be stuck there indefinitely.

Each month I receive a lot of letters from women. If there is one that I think can help others, I'll ask you if I permission to use it in my upcoming newsletter. I will keep your letter as confidential as you like.

Dear Bonnie,
Gay husband discovery, and recovery, is such a shock to the system.  It can take years to heal.  I remained in the same house, with my kids, for eight years after the separation. This was a house he and I had chosen together.  After all that time, my recovery seemed to stall.. and I still had several very tender spots. It felt secure to remain in the same house in the beginning, but now it seemed like a house of pain. The kids no longer wanted to look at the house either.   I packed up my family and moved. 
Not far, less than a mile, but it has made a difference.  As I unpacked, I discarded anything that caused me pain to look at. The result was several new pieces of furniture, and a house set up by myself and my kids, to our liking. A house where my gay ex-husband has never entered.  There are two large sycamore trees growing curbside.  My friend says they look like they have a skin condition, and their trunks are not attractive.  Not to me!!!  They are symbolic.  The old, rough bark easily peels off, to expose the smooth green and yellow trunk. Every spring the old bark falls, and the new bark is exposed.  And some times...I help peel...reminding myself that each year, there will be new healing.

That's it for the month! Remember to learn to love yourself. You can always count on you, and you'll never be able to love someone in a healthy way unless you do. If you haven't listened to any of my computer radio shows, here are the links to some recent good ones that you can cut and paste into your browser:

DONNA ANDERSEN - How To Deal with a Sociopath from

MARY ANN GLYNN - surviving Post Traumatic Stress from your marriage

JASON - Coordinator of Adult Children of Gay Fathers

Love, Bonnie♥ 

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