BONNIE KAYE'S STRAIGHT TALK
June 2018 Volume 19,
Issue 201
Bonnie’s Mantra:
LIFE WAS NEVER MEANT TO BE THIS COMPLICATED. PERIOD.
COMPUTER RADIO PODCASTS - www.blogtalkradio/bonnielkaye Live on
Sunday night 8 p.m. EST or any time after the live broadcast!
NEXT HEALING WEEKEND
My next HEALING WEEKEND will be in the Los Angeles area in
March, 2019. If you would like to be part of this amazing weekend, please email
me at Bonkaye@aol.com and put the
word “Healing” in the subject box. I will send you the details this month.
There is no charge for the weekend outside of travel, lodging, and food. This
is a life-changing experience for people who need help during the grieving and
recovery process.
POST TRAUMATIC GAY DISORDER
There is a new terminology that I am sharing--PTGD,
short for Post Traumatic Gay Disorder. I want to explain this concept to our
wives and their gay ex/current husbands so everyone will have a clear
understanding of what I mean.
First, let's define Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)
PTSD is a disorder that develops in
some people who have experienced a shocking, scary, or dangerous event. It is
natural to feel afraid during and after a traumatic situation. Fear triggers
many split-second changes in the body to help defend against danger or to avoid
it. This “fight-or-flight” response is a typical reaction meant to protect a
person from harm. Nearly everyone will experience a range of reactions after
trauma, yet most people recover from initial symptoms naturally. Those who
continue to experience problems may be diagnosed with PTSD. People who have
PTSD may feel stressed or frightened even when they are not in danger.
So how
does this apply to PTGD?
Finding
out that your husband is gay for women is shocking and scary. In some cases, it
is also dangerous due to learning about new diseases you may have contracted including
HIV/syphilis/herpes, as well as other forms of emotional and physical abuse
many of us suffer in the marriage. Let's face it--we all say that knowing that
our husband is gay is better than not knowing because at least it puts the
pieces of the puzzle together. When a marriage to a gay man fails, we tend to
blame ourselves because we have lost our sense of reality while living on the
other side of sanity. Throw in the accusations by your gay husband that
"you" are the problem in the marriage--not him--and you'll be dancing
around that circle of crazy in three-quarter time. When our husbands
"gaylight" us--making us think that we are crazy when we confront
them with our suspicions/knowledge of their homosexuality--this just pushes us
into a deeper hole of self-doubt.
Our
reality in most cases is different than the pretty pictures painted by the
media in numerous sitcoms. I know the media has tried in several cases, but our
personal tragedies never are quite represented in a meaningful way. Most of us
were abused either emotionally, physically, and for sure--sexually. Most of us
had our feminine spirit broken into shreds while we kept stepping on while we
were walking on top of those broken eggshells. Rejection is an immensely
popular way of controlling women who have been broken down--and most of us feel
that sense of rejection daily for years and years, long after the marriage is
over.
These
marriages are unlike straight marriages because we have issues beyond those of a
straight marriage. I've discussed many of them throughout the years. The
important thing to realize is that there is no real quick recovery fix after
this kind of fraudulent marriage.
What I
always find fascinating when I work with couples going through this is that the
gay husband usually has such a different perception of the marriage than his
wife has. In many cases, he feels the marriage is "good." He says
they were both "happy." In his mind, he was happy. Why? Because in
your mind, you knew he was UNHAPPY so you put all of your efforts into trying
to make him happy. As I always say, Straight Wives are always the BEST WIVES
because they keep running around in circles trying to make their husbands happy
while losing who they are.
Most
amazingly, the husband almost always says the "sex was good--at least for
you," THE WIFE. He swears he was a top-notch lover regardless of how you
felt. In most cases, he'll blame you for
any lack of lust in the bedroom because you were....not very experienced....not
willing to "experiment"......not the initiator.....too busy with the
children....and his list goes on. And on.
When we
learn that our marriages were built on a bed of lies, we never quite know what
was real and what wasn't real. While we had so many doubts about ourselves
based on how we were treated in the marriage, we now wonder if any of this was
true. Recovery is a process for most of us that can take years while unraveling
the truths from the lies. Rebuilding trust in ourselves is a major hurdle.
Reclaiming our mutated feminine spirit takes time--and lots of time.
What other
people don't understand is that almost every woman I have met over the years
was very supportive of gay rights. Most of these women had at least one gay
friend or family member and supported their cause for equality and recognition.
I believe that on some level, gay men who are passing in the straight world
look for women who are accepting so that if things don't work out, at least the
wife will feel some sympathy/empathy. I will say in most of our situations,
things don't end up that way.
You see,
while those of us who are supporters of gay rights know that "gay"
means "men wanting men on an intellectual level," our minds don't
slide into the visual image of what that means on a sexual level. We support
it--but we don't want to "watch it." There is something in the way
that we are wired that just doesn't want to look at that sexual scene. We don't
condemn it--but we don't want to watch it.
After we
learn that our husbands are gay, and when we meet their new loves, trust me
when I say it is normal to feel a twinge of revulsion. It cuts across your
chest like a knife. The man who was "yours" forever and ever now
belongs to another man. When you think about it, you feel like throwing up.
That's why most of us try not to think about it. The visualization of your ex
in bed with a man is too hurtful.
Sadly, as
our married lives change, our feelings about "gay" also deteriorate.
Any sense of "gay rights" now seem like "gay wrongs"
because of how we were involuntarily drawn into the gay community not by
choice--but by force. Yes, once you learn your husband is gay, you are now part
of a new community that you knew very little about. Why? Because now your
children have a "gay father." That wasn't part of the planning when
you brought your child into the world. Oh yes--you were planning to raise
him/her with your own belief that people should be treated equally and fairly
regardless of the sexual orientation--but having a husband who was gay was not
part of that equation.
All of a
sudden, those feelings of empathy/sympathy change to feelings of contempt and
disgust. Women mistakenly believe that their husbands are "choosing a
penis" for fun and games over their marriage and children. They think that
gay is a "lifestyle" that can be chosen or rejected--at least by
their gay husbands who were not gay to start with. You think, "Why would our
husband even look in that direction? Why
would some gay man be hitting on my straight husband and confusing him? How did
a "bromance" turn into a gay romance? The guy was his best friend--at
least that's what he said. And now he wants to have sex with him? Why is he
trying to convert him to GAY?" As if it were a religious cult. The man you
fell in love with--your best friend, even if he wasn't your best lover--spent
years sharing his plans, dreams, and desires with you. "Penis" was
not part of the conversation--ever. And
now the lust that he hadn't felt for you in years due to "diabetes, high
blood pressure, low testosterone, stress at the workplace, life on life's terms or whatever..." suddenly
has become alive for him driven by some man's penis. How was this even
possible?
I would
bet my money that every wife who finds out this news goes to bed at night in
either a state of shock or after crying herself to sleep for hours only to wake
up and think: "I just had the worst dream. I dreamt my husband was gay."
It takes about two minutes for the reality to sink in, but eventually it does.
And that's when life starts falling apart.
The reason
I am telling you this is because people have to understand that supporting gay
rights is a totally different situation than supporting a gay husband. We DO
NOT have to feel bad that we don't feel sorry for our husbands.
We DO NOT have to listen to their trials and tribulations as they go off to
their new lives running back to us for comfort when their boyfriends cheat on
them or leave them. We do not have to support the gay community at this time
because we are feeling raw and betrayed. In fact, we do not care about the gay
community which we blame for destroying our marriages.
It is
going to take time to put things in perspective. It is going to take time to
understand that no one made our husbands gay--they were always gay. They didn't
marry us to trick us--they were trying to trick themselves. But as the old ad
stated, "You can't fool mother nature." And that old ad was referring
to a dishwashing soap--not someone's sexuality.
We need
time to recover from the trauma. And most of us do--given the time we need. Of
course, much of it depends on our ex-husbands and how responsible they are to
us and the children when the marriage is over. Our lives will change
drastically in the days, weeks, and months ahead. There will be so many new
issues to deal with and so little time to deal with them as you find yourself
in the new role of single motherhood. We have new doubts and fears about the
effects on our children having a gay father. We have to deal with our families
and friends and explain to them why our marriages failed. We have new
responsibilities and worries. Many of us have to leave our homes and move. Stay
at home moms are now going to have to become working mothers to help support a
family. These are changes that happen quickly. In many cases there is no
advance warning.
Oh...and
what about the legal fees? Suddenly you find yourself spending thousands of
dollars to hire a divorce lawyer to navigate your way through divorce and child
support. Thousands of dollars that you don't have that is. Or maybe it was the
money you were saving for a vacation or retirement. Anyway--now it's gone no
matter what you were saving it for.
What about
having to see the man you love for 10, 15, 20 years or more now with the man he
loves the way you loved him? You know the day will come, but you are dreading
it. You are feeling sick to your stomach
and wanting to vomit. Would you be sick if you saw your husband with a new
girlfriend? Well, of course. But the thought of him with a man makes you even
sicker. And no--it's not from homophobia--it's from reality.
In the
beginning of your new life after your marriage, every man now appears to be gay.
Obviously you missed it with your "soulmate," so why shouldn't you
think it? Every man is considered suspect. All we see is gay everywhere. We are
also living in a society where LGBT is surrounding us as they fight for their
rights for equality. It's no different than it's been for years, but now we are so
"gay-sensitized," it is upfront and in our face constantly. Before
when we would have been cheering for it, now we are not in the mood to be
hearing about it. This is all part of PTGD.
Why? In
our minds, GAY took away:
Ø
Our
husband
Ø
Our
family unit
Ø
Our
future
Ø
Our
past
Your
husband may have found his "authentic" self, but you have lost what
you thought was your "authentic marriage."
There is
no quick fix to recovery because we don't have the luxury of a time machine
that can take us a couple of years into the future. Healing takes time--and my
Father's Day Message to men is simply this:
FIX
IT!!!
I
personally know some wonderful gay ex-husbands who did the right thing. They
took total responsibility for the marriage ending and gave their wives/children
the support they needed to make the needed adjustments. Yes--took total
responsibility. They didn't look for excuses as to why the marriage
"wouldn't have worked anyway" as some gay men like to claim. They
didn't knock their wives as being partly responsible for the break-up of the
marriage. They understood the marriage was ending because they were gay men who
needed to lead a gay life. Not a "lifestyle," but LIFE. Gay is not a
style--it is who you are. These men knew they weren't going to be straight
husbands when they were gay men. They regretted making the wrong decision by
getting married. They regretted hurting their wives and families. AND THEY
DIDN'T BLAME ANYONE BUT THEMSELVES for the marriage ending.
These men
went on to give their families the emotional and financial support to make sure
their lives were disrupted as little as possible--even if they sacrificed what
they wanted to do such as new cars or vacations. This is the road to a good after-marriage
where a semblance of a family unit can continue. This is the ideal when you
have children that you want to grow up in a healthy way.
Gay men
tell me that they are afraid their children won't love them when they find out
about their homosexuality. Children love fathers who are good to them--and to
their mother. Your sexuality is not the main factor--you ability to be there
for them after you leave is what really counts.
That is my
Father's Day message to the men who read this newsletter. Do the right
thing--and FIX IT. Help speed that healing process along for your wives and
your family.
MY NEW
BOOK
I made an
announcement a couple of months ago that I was writing a new book called,
"The Gift My Gay Ex-Husband Gave Me--The Truth." I was planning to
have it released this summer. This is a book containing written excerpts
between my ex-husband and a gay man (along with several other people) who were
looking to destroy my name and reputation that I had built up over the past 35
years helping straight wives to find understanding and support when learning
about their gay husbands, and help gay men with their coming out process.
My
ex-husband, Robert, died in October of this past year of bone cancer. Prior to
his illness, I had stopped communicating with him because long after our
marriage was over, I was still his daily sounding board. We clung more tightly
after the deaths of our two children in 2002 and 2005 maybe because we were all
we had left of them. For ten more years I remained his comfort friend--the only
one he could be really honest with because I knew his truths and his lies.
However, he did something that was beyond my forgiveness, and I broke my ties
with him for good in 2014.
Two-and-a-half
years later he contacted me asking me to forgive him. He told me he was very
ill with cancer and didn't know how much time he had left. He didn't want to die
without making his peace with me. Since our two beloved children had left us, I
knew that they couldn't be there for him. I decided to do what my conscience
dictated, and I helped him through his last 18 months both emotionally and
financially.
Robert was so remorseful because I helped take
care of him over his last 18 months after cancer ravaged his body. In his final
months, he felt he had to tell me the truth about his actions with a gay man
from California who was one of the main instigators running this campaign of
terror to try to discredit me and my work. He did plead with me to wait until his
death to release the information--which I did agree to do. He was so, so sick in
those months that he said he didn't have the strength to have to argue with this
man about exposing him to me--and I understood.
Robert explained
how he had been cleverly manipulated into joining a well-organized campaign of
terror and harassment against me and my associates by this man whose name I won't
disclose at this time. This group was very clever playing "selected" sounds
bites from my radio show for him or sending him selective words I spoke out of context
to get him to believe I was destroying his life so he would join up with them to
destroy me. They did this through vile and obscene websites, sickening book
reviews attacking me and my work, and harassing emails to me and the guests that
appeared on my show. Several months ago when I announced on my radio show that I
had the information of who these criminals were and read a few excerpts that I had
of their words to Robert, most of those sites quickly were quickly removed. Of course,
I was smart enough to copy them to use for future evidence.
Robert shared
these emails which stated how this vicious group of people calculated my
downfall so I would stop giving "false" advice to people. In one of
the earliest emails, this man who sought him out and "befriended" him
said:
I and a couple of colleagues have done our best to learn about
Bonnie, her “work”, and have sought to do what we can to keep others from being
harmed. Again, as you’re likely well aware, Bonnie not only has many years of
experience at perpetuating her delusional world as a counselor, but she is not
mentally well and does not always operate in the rational world. Thus, we have
taken to anonymously pursuing greater understanding and to bring an end to any
harm she may be causing.
I have read and studied Bonnie extensively using publicly
available information. And though I’m nowhere near the expert that I’m sure you
have become regarding her, I have developed a case profile of her and her
life. While I don’t know many of the specifics, or the factual details as you
know them, I know of truths and facts about her life well beyond what’s known
to the general public. And, the more I learned, the more important it became to
take steps to protect my identity and that of my colleagues. As I said, our
work continues and I am no less interested in learning more, and in brining any
potential harm to an end.
First, let me just say
this. Can you imagine how someone has so little to do in his own life that he
has time to study me and become an "expert" so he can "bring any
potential harm" I am causing "to an end"? How humbling that I am so important to a gay
man who has never been married and has never met me.
Sadly,
that is almost all of what I am able to share of my new book with you. You see,
I have a volume's worth of wonderful evidence against the men (and women) who
spent the past five years trying to silence me by destroying my credibility.
Before I shared it with the public, I decided to share it with the California
Attorney General's office, the FBI, and another federal agency that works with
cyber terrorism. According to them, I have a strong case against my attackers.
They have suggested that I not release the book until after all of the evidence
is compiled and sorted out. I did agree to wait.
I
know the federal wheels turn slowly because of a case I pursued in 2006 - 2009 with
the federal government over a predatory book company, Airleaf Publishing, that
robbed people of over 3 million dollars. I was able to gather 600 authors to
pursue that case which took three years to complete, but the company was put
out of business with a government judgment against the owners.
The only
other line I am going to share with you at this time from my attacker is a very
prophetic one that was in that first (of so many) email. It is also the only line of truth in the
hundreds of pages of documents of evidence that I have collected:
He states:
First and foremost, due to her illness, if you put yourself on
Bonnie’s radar, in her line of fire.. she will attempt to steam roll over you
with full force. And a few lines down he stated, ....."it’s very unlikely
Bonnie will go down without a fight."
My
"illness" is called truth and fairness. That is all I've ever strived
for--to bring light into a world of darkness and confusion not only for
straight wives, but for their gay husbands who have struggled their whole lives
with homosexuality. And all of you who know me know--I am a fighter. I am a survivor. I am a winner. Like all of you, I
had years of training!! Stay tuned for the next chapter!
With
love and renewed hope,
Bonnie ♥
