NEXT HEALING WEEKEND
My next HEALING WEEKEND will be in the Los Angeles area in March, 2019. If you would like to be part of this amazing weekend, please email me at Bonkaye@aol.com and put the word “Healing” in the subject box. I will send you the details this month. There is no charge for the weekend outside of travel, lodging, and food. This is a life-changing experience for people who need help during the grieving and recovery process.
POST TRAUMATIC GAY DISORDER
There is a new terminology that I am sharing--PTGD, short for Post Traumatic Gay Disorder. I want to explain this concept to our wives and their gay ex/current husbands so everyone will have a clear understanding of what I mean.
First, let's define Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)
PTSD is a disorder that develops in some people who have experienced a shocking, scary, or dangerous event. It is natural to feel afraid during and after a traumatic situation. Fear triggers many split-second changes in the body to help defend against danger or to avoid it. This “fight-or-flight” response is a typical reaction meant to protect a person from harm. Nearly everyone will experience a range of reactions after trauma, yet most people recover from initial symptoms naturally. Those who continue to experience problems may be diagnosed with PTSD. People who have PTSD may feel stressed or frightened even when they are not in danger.
So how does this apply to PTGD?
Finding out that your husband is gay for women is shocking and scary. In some cases, it is also dangerous due to learning about new diseases you may have contracted including HIV/syphilis/herpes, as well as other forms of emotional and physical abuse many of us suffer in the marriage. Let's face it--we all say that knowing that our husband is gay is better than not knowing because at least it puts the pieces of the puzzle together. When a marriage to a gay man fails, we tend to blame ourselves because we have lost our sense of reality while living on the other side of sanity. Throw in the accusations by your gay husband that "you" are the problem in the marriage--not him--and you'll be dancing around that circle of crazy in three-quarter time. When our husbands "gaylight" us--making us think that we are crazy when we confront them with our suspicions/knowledge of their homosexuality--this just pushes us into a deeper hole of self-doubt.
Our reality in most cases is different than the pretty pictures painted by the media in numerous sitcoms. I know the media has tried in several cases, but our personal tragedies never are quite represented in a meaningful way. Most of us were abused either emotionally, physically, and for sure--sexually. Most of us had our feminine spirit broken into shreds while we kept stepping on while we were walking on top of those broken eggshells. Rejection is an immensely popular way of controlling women who have been broken down--and most of us feel that sense of rejection daily for years and years, long after the marriage is over.
These marriages are unlike straight marriages because we have issues beyond those of a straight marriage. I've discussed many of them throughout the years. The important thing to realize is that there is no real quick recovery fix after this kind of fraudulent marriage.
What I always find fascinating when I work with couples going through this is that the gay husband usually has such a different perception of the marriage than his wife has. In many cases, he feels the marriage is "good." He says they were both "happy." In his mind, he was happy. Why? Because in your mind, you knew he was UNHAPPY so you put all of your efforts into trying to make him happy. As I always say, Straight Wives are always the BEST WIVES because they keep running around in circles trying to make their husbands happy while losing who they are.
Most amazingly, the husband almost always says the "sex was good--at least for you," THE WIFE. He swears he was a top-notch lover regardless of how you felt. In most cases, he'll blame you for any lack of lust in the bedroom because you were....not very experienced....not willing to "experiment"......not the initiator.....too busy with the children....and his list goes on. And on.
When we learn that our marriages were built on a bed of lies, we never quite know what was real and what wasn't real. While we had so many doubts about ourselves based on how we were treated in the marriage, we now wonder if any of this was true. Recovery is a process for most of us that can take years while unraveling the truths from the lies. Rebuilding trust in ourselves is a major hurdle. Reclaiming our mutated feminine spirit takes time--and lots of time.
What other people don't understand is that almost every woman I have met over the years was very supportive of gay rights. Most of these women had at least one gay friend or family member and supported their cause for equality and recognition. I believe that on some level, gay men who are passing in the straight world look for women who are accepting so that if things don't work out, at least the wife will feel some sympathy/empathy. I will say in most of our situations, things don't end up that way.
You see, while those of us who are supporters of gay rights know that "gay" means "men wanting men on an intellectual level," our minds don't slide into the visual image of what that means on a sexual level. We support it--but we don't want to "watch it." There is something in the way that we are wired that just doesn't want to look at that sexual scene. We don't condemn it--but we don't want to watch it.
After we learn that our husbands are gay, and when we meet their new loves, trust me when I say it is normal to feel a twinge of revulsion. It cuts across your chest like a knife. The man who was "yours" forever and ever now belongs to another man. When you think about it, you feel like throwing up. That's why most of us try not to think about it. The visualization of your ex in bed with a man is too hurtful.
Sadly, as our married lives change, our feelings about "gay" also deteriorate. Any sense of "gay rights" now seem like "gay wrongs" because of how we were involuntarily drawn into the gay community not by choice--but by force. Yes, once you learn your husband is gay, you are now part of a new community that you knew very little about. Why? Because now your children have a "gay father." That wasn't part of the planning when you brought your child into the world. Oh yes--you were planning to raise him/her with your own belief that people should be treated equally and fairly regardless of the sexual orientation--but having a husband who was gay was not part of that equation.
All of a sudden, those feelings of empathy/sympathy change to feelings of contempt and disgust. Women mistakenly believe that their husbands are "choosing a penis" for fun and games over their marriage and children. They think that gay is a "lifestyle" that can be chosen or rejected--at least by their gay husbands who were not gay to start with. You think, "Why would our husband even look in that direction? Why would some gay man be hitting on my straight husband and confusing him? How did a "bromance" turn into a gay romance? The guy was his best friend--at least that's what he said. And now he wants to have sex with him? Why is he trying to convert him to GAY?" As if it were a religious cult. The man you fell in love with--your best friend, even if he wasn't your best lover--spent years sharing his plans, dreams, and desires with you. "Penis" was not part of the conversation--ever. And now the lust that he hadn't felt for you in years due to "diabetes, high blood pressure, low testosterone, stress at the workplace, life on life's terms or whatever..." suddenly has become alive for him driven by some man's penis. How was this even possible?
I would bet my money that every wife who finds out this news goes to bed at night in either a state of shock or after crying herself to sleep for hours only to wake up and think: "I just had the worst dream. I dreamt my husband was gay." It takes about two minutes for the reality to sink in, but eventually it does. And that's when life starts falling apart.
The reason I am telling you this is because people have to understand that supporting gay rights is a totally different situation than supporting a gay husband. We DO NOT have to feel bad that we don't feel sorry for our husbands. We DO NOT have to listen to their trials and tribulations as they go off to their new lives running back to us for comfort when their boyfriends cheat on them or leave them. We do not have to support the gay community at this time because we are feeling raw and betrayed. In fact, we do not care about the gay community which we blame for destroying our marriages.
It is going to take time to put things in perspective. It is going to take time to understand that no one made our husbands gay--they were always gay. They didn't marry us to trick us--they were trying to trick themselves. But as the old ad stated, "You can't fool mother nature." And that old ad was referring to a dishwashing soap--not someone's sexuality.
We need time to recover from the trauma. And most of us do--given the time we need. Of course, much of it depends on our ex-husbands and how responsible they are to us and the children when the marriage is over. Our lives will change drastically in the days, weeks, and months ahead. There will be so many new issues to deal with and so little time to deal with them as you find yourself in the new role of single motherhood. We have new doubts and fears about the effects on our children having a gay father. We have to deal with our families and friends and explain to them why our marriages failed. We have new responsibilities and worries. Many of us have to leave our homes and move. Stay at home moms are now going to have to become working mothers to help support a family. These are changes that happen quickly. In many cases there is no advance warning.
Oh...and what about the legal fees? Suddenly you find yourself spending thousands of dollars to hire a divorce lawyer to navigate your way through divorce and child support. Thousands of dollars that you don't have that is. Or maybe it was the money you were saving for a vacation or retirement. Anyway--now it's gone no matter what you were saving it for.
What about having to see the man you love for 10, 15, 20 years or more now with the man he loves the way you loved him? You know the day will come, but you are dreading it. You are feeling sick to your stomach and wanting to vomit. Would you be sick if you saw your husband with a new girlfriend? Well, of course. But the thought of him with a man makes you even sicker. And no--it's not from homophobia--it's from reality.
In the beginning of your new life after your marriage, every man now appears to be gay. Obviously you missed it with your "soulmate," so why shouldn't you think it? Every man is considered suspect. All we see is gay everywhere. We are also living in a society where LGBT is surrounding us as they fight for their rights for equality. It's no different than it's been for years, but now we are so "gay-sensitized," it is upfront and in our face constantly. Before when we would have been cheering for it, now we are not in the mood to be hearing about it. This is all part of PTGD.
Why? In our minds, GAY took away:
Ø Our husband
Ø Our family unit
Ø Our future
Ø Our past
Your husband may have found his "authentic" self, but you have lost what you thought was your "authentic marriage."
There is no quick fix to recovery because we don't have the luxury of a time machine that can take us a couple of years into the future. Healing takes time--and my Father's Day Message to men is simply this:
I personally know some wonderful gay ex-husbands who did the right thing. They took total responsibility for the marriage ending and gave their wives/children the support they needed to make the needed adjustments. Yes--took total responsibility. They didn't look for excuses as to why the marriage "wouldn't have worked anyway" as some gay men like to claim. They didn't knock their wives as being partly responsible for the break-up of the marriage. They understood the marriage was ending because they were gay men who needed to lead a gay life. Not a "lifestyle," but LIFE. Gay is not a style--it is who you are. These men knew they weren't going to be straight husbands when they were gay men. They regretted making the wrong decision by getting married. They regretted hurting their wives and families. AND THEY DIDN'T BLAME ANYONE BUT THEMSELVES for the marriage ending.
These men went on to give their families the emotional and financial support to make sure their lives were disrupted as little as possible--even if they sacrificed what they wanted to do such as new cars or vacations. This is the road to a good after-marriage where a semblance of a family unit can continue. This is the ideal when you have children that you want to grow up in a healthy way.
Gay men tell me that they are afraid their children won't love them when they find out about their homosexuality. Children love fathers who are good to them--and to their mother. Your sexuality is not the main factor--you ability to be there for them after you leave is what really counts.
That is my Father's Day message to the men who read this newsletter. Do the right thing--and FIX IT. Help speed that healing process along for your wives and your family.
MY NEW BOOK
I made an announcement a couple of months ago that I was writing a new book called, "The Gift My Gay Ex-Husband Gave Me--The Truth." I was planning to have it released this summer. This is a book containing written excerpts between my ex-husband and a gay man (along with several other people) who were looking to destroy my name and reputation that I had built up over the past 35 years helping straight wives to find understanding and support when learning about their gay husbands, and help gay men with their coming out process.
My ex-husband, Robert, died in October of this past year of bone cancer. Prior to his illness, I had stopped communicating with him because long after our marriage was over, I was still his daily sounding board. We clung more tightly after the deaths of our two children in 2002 and 2005 maybe because we were all we had left of them. For ten more years I remained his comfort friend--the only one he could be really honest with because I knew his truths and his lies. However, he did something that was beyond my forgiveness, and I broke my ties with him for good in 2014.
Two-and-a-half years later he contacted me asking me to forgive him. He told me he was very ill with cancer and didn't know how much time he had left. He didn't want to die without making his peace with me. Since our two beloved children had left us, I knew that they couldn't be there for him. I decided to do what my conscience dictated, and I helped him through his last 18 months both emotionally and financially.
Robert was so remorseful because I helped take care of him over his last 18 months after cancer ravaged his body. In his final months, he felt he had to tell me the truth about his actions with a gay man from California who was one of the main instigators running this campaign of terror to try to discredit me and my work. He did plead with me to wait until his death to release the information--which I did agree to do. He was so, so sick in those months that he said he didn't have the strength to have to argue with this man about exposing him to me--and I understood.
Robert explained how he had been cleverly manipulated into joining a well-organized campaign of terror and harassment against me and my associates by this man whose name I won't disclose at this time. This group was very clever playing "selected" sounds bites from my radio show for him or sending him selective words I spoke out of context to get him to believe I was destroying his life so he would join up with them to destroy me. They did this through vile and obscene websites, sickening book reviews attacking me and my work, and harassing emails to me and the guests that appeared on my show. Several months ago when I announced on my radio show that I had the information of who these criminals were and read a few excerpts that I had of their words to Robert, most of those sites quickly were quickly removed. Of course, I was smart enough to copy them to use for future evidence.
Robert shared these emails which stated how this vicious group of people calculated my downfall so I would stop giving "false" advice to people. In one of the earliest emails, this man who sought him out and "befriended" him said:
I and a couple of colleagues have done our best to learn about Bonnie, her “work”, and have sought to do what we can to keep others from being harmed. Again, as you’re likely well aware, Bonnie not only has many years of experience at perpetuating her delusional world as a counselor, but she is not mentally well and does not always operate in the rational world. Thus, we have taken to anonymously pursuing greater understanding and to bring an end to any harm she may be causing.
I have read and studied Bonnie extensively using publicly available information. And though I’m nowhere near the expert that I’m sure you have become regarding her, I have developed a case profile of her and her life. While I don’t know many of the specifics, or the factual details as you know them, I know of truths and facts about her life well beyond what’s known to the general public. And, the more I learned, the more important it became to take steps to protect my identity and that of my colleagues. As I said, our work continues and I am no less interested in learning more, and in brining any potential harm to an end.
First, let me just say this. Can you imagine how someone has so little to do in his own life that he has time to study me and become an "expert" so he can "bring any potential harm" I am causing "to an end"? How humbling that I am so important to a gay man who has never been married and has never met me.
Sadly, that is almost all of what I am able to share of my new book with you. You see, I have a volume's worth of wonderful evidence against the men (and women) who spent the past five years trying to silence me by destroying my credibility. Before I shared it with the public, I decided to share it with the California Attorney General's office, the FBI, and another federal agency that works with cyber terrorism. According to them, I have a strong case against my attackers. They have suggested that I not release the book until after all of the evidence is compiled and sorted out. I did agree to wait.
I know the federal wheels turn slowly because of a case I pursued in 2006 - 2009 with the federal government over a predatory book company, Airleaf Publishing, that robbed people of over 3 million dollars. I was able to gather 600 authors to pursue that case which took three years to complete, but the company was put out of business with a government judgment against the owners.
The only other line I am going to share with you at this time from my attacker is a very prophetic one that was in that first (of so many) email. It is also the only line of truth in the hundreds of pages of documents of evidence that I have collected:
First and foremost, due to her illness, if you put yourself on Bonnie’s radar, in her line of fire.. she will attempt to steam roll over you with full force. And a few lines down he stated, ....."it’s very unlikely Bonnie will go down without a fight."
My "illness" is called truth and fairness. That is all I've ever strived for--to bring light into a world of darkness and confusion not only for straight wives, but for their gay husbands who have struggled their whole lives with homosexuality. And all of you who know me know--I am a fighter. I am a survivor. I am a winner. Like all of you, I had years of training!! Stay tuned for the next chapter!
With love and renewed hope,