Men Who Are Sexually "CONfused"

CONFUSION In any given week, I receive between 60 - 100 letters for help from women who are questioning their husbands' sexuality. The majority of women who write to me are not quite sure. They suspect, but they don't have actual "proof." Well, what "actual proof" means is that they haven't had a full confession from their husband or caught him in the act.

Of course, the first thing I ask those who write to me is why they suspect that "gay" is the issue in their marriages. More often than not, I hear these words: "My husband says he is 'CONFUSED'." As soon as I hear the "C" word, I know the hopes of these women are about to be shattered--first by me, and then by their husbands.

The "C Word"-- "CONfused"- is one step before the "B word" -- "Bisexual." You remember that "trendy" word that makes women feel they have "a 50/50 chance" of winning their husbands' love and affection if only they are better wives....better cooks....better housekeepers....lose excess pounds....devote more of their time to recognizing their husbands' needs and frustrations....shut up more than express their feelings....etc.

I've come to learn from all of the mail I received from women that "confused" is much better than the word "bisexual" because it can mean a "random fleeting thought." triggered by some post-traumatic stress experience. It is usually followed by a standard story explaining the "confusion" comes from the husband's sexual abuse in his childhood by an uncle...brother....clergy man....cousin.....neighbor.....or teacher. Almost every account explains that it was a "one-time thing." One- time things can happen to anyone. But after one time, well, that could raise suspicions. One-time abuse stories jump starts the straight wife into action knowing that she can "fix it." After all, a one-time indiscretion is nothing more than a scary "confusing" memory from childhood that can fade just as quickly as it appeared. Right? Wrong!

It's taken me many years to find a way to explain this to women in a way that makes sense, but I finally can do it. Here are my thoughts. I know it makes you feel better to think that your husband is having gay thoughts because he was molested as a child. This certainly explains things away. And I mean "away" because you believe if you love him enough he will bury those memories--if it really is just because of the experience--and it will be gone forever. You truly believe the horrific sexual molestation is making your poor husband question his sexuality 30 years later.

Sadly, that logic makes no sense at all. Why would an experience as painful as sexual molesting make a man desire a penis? If anything, it would repel him. And if it wasn't a bad experience, and he's thinking about it now in your marriage to him--well, it's gay. Period. To say that a man who has been molested is now turned on by gay sex is the same as saying that a woman who was molested in childhood is going to want to find a man who will engage her fantasies of being raped, beaten, and chained. If molestation creates gay desires in men to be with men sexually, why not women to be with abusers?

It is said that one out of every four women will be abused at some point in her life, and I know that includes a number of our women reading this newsletter. I hardly think that you will look for men who are into bondage and discipline because you were molested. The same goes for men. One out of six men may have been molested as children. Why would they now as an adult fantasize about it? They wouldn't. I know men who have been molested when they were children who would try to kill a man who approached them in adulthood. They are not thinking about how sensual it was.

I'm not saying that all gay married men who claim they were molested as children are lying about it. Some of them are telling the truth--but not all. Some of the men I work with have told me they use that excuse to tell their wives because they think it will be easier for the wife to accept. In fact, a few men have told me that they learn about using this from other gay men's married groups which I won't mention here. Regardless of the reason, it doesn't matter. What does matter is that YOU understand that "confused" means you are doomed. You can spend years trying to "un-confuse" your husband, but it won't happen. Straight men are not confused--ever. They don't question their sexuality. They aren't fantasizing about a penis.

I always hate to be the bearer of bad news--but inevitably, it seems like I'm one of the only professionals who likes to tell it as it is. Save yourself years of hurt, frustration, sexual and emotional rejection, and money while you find therapists who promise to "fix" your husband. If your husband is confused, it means he wants a man. By the time he tells you, chances are he's already acted on it. At that point, he's not really "CONfused"--he's just trying to "CON you."