Sunday, November 17, 2013

         Bonnie Kaye’s Straight Talk Newsletter
                NOVEMBER 2013     Volume 14, Issue 147
                                                  Bonnie’s Mantras:

Help support Bonnie’s mission to help women and men in pain. Purchase her books from her website at Her newest book can be purchased at


My next Healing Weekend will be in Houston, Texas, on March 1st and 2nd. The women in Texas are strong and compassionate, and I know you will love meeting them including two of my radio show favorites,  Grace and Wendy. Everyone who attends a healing weekend leaves feeling far more validated than before. Some even have quick life changes after all of the positive energy that reaches out to them. If you would like information, please write to me at as soon as possible!


Not all gay husbands are sociopaths or display sociopathic behavior. But in my nearly 30 years of experience, it sure seems as if a lot of them are.

I'm sorry--this is not reflection on gay people who living their authentic lives or those gay married husbands who did the right thing by their families in being responsible by telling their wives the truth and giving them support in the aftermath of the marriage--but it is a reflection on a segment of gay men who marry straight women.

First, gay men seek out consciously or subconsciously women whom they  hope will be able to accept their homosexuality if and when the news comes out. By every survey I have conducted from different periods of time, at least 75 - 80% of us are in the helping profession. We are caring, nurturing and determined to always "fix things" when they are broken. Including our marriages. If you think it's just an accident that so many of us are in the helping profession, you're wrong. It's no accident. Gay men seek us out as wives.

At our September Healing Weekend in Philadelphia, we had doctors, nurses, social workers, teachers, mental health workers, and child care workers galore. Yep, we were prime for the picking.

I would like to share with you a hard lesson I have learned. Before I do, let me review the signs of someone with sociopathic behavior:

1. Superficial charm

2. Manipulative and conning

3. Sense of entitlement

4. Lack of remorse or shame

5. Pathological lying

6. Shallow emotions

7. Incapacity to love

8. Need for stimulation and living on the edge

9. Lack of empathy for others

10. Poor behavioral Controls/Impulsive

Even if every characteristic of your husband isn't true--if more than half of them are, count him in!

What I finally realize is this: when we continue to live with these men, we help their sociopathic behaviors. Now I know that's a bold statement, but I believe it to be true. Here's why.
The longer you live with someone with these characteristics, the more you validate their feelings that how they are behaving is acceptable. If you didn't approve of their behavior, why would you continue to stay with them? Yes, that's how they think.

This means that these marriages are definitely a BAD combination of personalities. Most of our women are people pleasers. Rather than "rock the boat and tip the boat over," we learn how to ride the tide--or tsunami--so to speak. Even though we are always swimming upstream, it doesn't mean that we don't believe there is hope to reverse the tide. We become muted. We stop standing up and questioning our husbands only to be knocked down with words like, "Are you stupid?" or "You are always imagining things," or "No one will ever love you as much as I do." Those were the days that taught me that "love" was just another vulgar four letter word.
In most cases, women who live with sociopaths lose themselves through the constant verbal battering. My ex-husband used to "shout me down to shut me up." I knew I was defeated before I could even try to stand back up. It was just easier to go along with him. And that wasn't just during our marriage--it was for many years after our marriage because we still had to raise children together even if we were apart.

Our women who live or have lived with sociopathic men remain unhappy and numb through most of the day. They have to reconstruct their lives going beyond the "walking on eggshells." They are tiptoeing around them for fear that one little shake of shell will create a blow-up and the house of cards will come tumbling down.
Rather than create conflict, we mentally take the attitude, "If you can't beat 'em, join 'em," in order to survive the daily conflict. We go along with the craziness. We start losing track of what is and isn't crazy anymore. We are totally in survival mode.

What happens is that your sociopathic man who may have had some doubts now feels so validated in everything he does wrong--especially to you. Ironically, now that you have altered your behavior and state of mind so you can make him happy, he's no happier. Not only isn't he happier, but when one of his schemes goes off-course, he blames you. It's because of YOU that the house is a mess. It's because of YOU that the children are running around because you can't control them. It's because of YOU that he doesn't want sex because you don't look, smell, or act the way a woman should.
Most of the time, we cry. And yes--over time we learn to do it so he doesn't see it. Does crying make him feel sorry for us? Nope. He doesn't like you to cry. Remember, he lacks true empathy. In fact, he looks at us as if we are weak. He doesn't like weak. Oh, he doesn't like strong either--but  the weakness you show reinforces everything he is doing wrong. He thinks, "Well, how bad can I be if she continues to stay here and love me?

Since he falls really short when it come to a conscience, his occasional confession of "I'm sorry" is not said for you--it's for him. He knows if he throws a crumb your way, you are so starving that you'll dive down to grab it. You'll hold on to it and cherish it in the same way that a dog wags his tail when he finds a bone and then hides it. One act of kindness goes a long way with a woman who seeks validation. While he throws out the phrases "I'm sorry" or even "I love you," he knows a few syllables will stretch out for at least a few months.   
As women, many of us hold on to hope long after there is nothing left to hang on to. You need to realize that there is no hope when you are living with a man who doesn't want to live with you but rather use you for his own purposes. And trust me, the longer you stay, the worse he will get. When these men con people by charming them, they seem to always know how to get an audience to eat out of their hand. How many times have we heard how lucky we are to have these men as husbands from outsiders? We are "lucky"? We are as lucky as the rabbit that lost its foot to swing on a keychain for good luck. There is nothing lucky about this situation at all.

The only way to get past a sociopath is to leave him and cut him off. Look, I know it's easy to say and hard to do. GUILTY!! (Raising my hand) I admit it. But that doesn't mean we can't learn from each other and the mistakes we have made. You can take back your life even when  your sociopath husband is yanking your chain back. It will be a struggle for a while, but he'll probably get tired of you. Remember, there are always people out there who are weaker than you are. He'll be looking for them--and hopefully forget about you.


With the upcoming season of joylessness for many of our women who are in the throes of the straight wife blues, it is really important to find different ways to start feeling better not only emotionally but also physically. One of our straight wives, Jeanine Finelli, is a health coach. Last year, in one of our correspondences, she wrote to me:

As you know a situation like what you and I have gone through can chew women up and spit them out.  No sleep, anxiety, loneliness, sadness, fear, exhaustion, poor self image, all leads to sugar cravings, hormone disruption, weight gain, lower self image, lack of energy, depression, caffeine addiction, sleeping pill addiction, self blame and so much more.  I want to dedicate my life to helping these women take their health off the table of negotiation, and learn how to stay strong inside and out all while going through this storm.  There is a beautiful life that one knows exactly when or how, but it's there and I want women to come through this tragedy..whole and healthy.

Jeanine will be my guest tomorrow night on my radio show which airs at 10 p.m. EST. You can also listen after the show is aired at the same link.

In Jeanine's own words, here are her thoughts to help through the holidays and all year around.

As I fold the laundry, my thoughts shift from wrinkled clothes to relationships.  I pair up socks that actually haven’t disappeared into the single sock abyss and my memory spans the past decade of my life. A big chunk of my precious years filled with an onslaught of betrayals.  Yet in the same amount of time that it takes to create my breakfast smoothie, I am filled with not just hope, but an open mind for my future.  As you all know too well, what we have been through becomes part of our DNA, and it changes us to the core forever.  Whether those changes manifest themselves in how you trust, how you don’t, or even how you perceive yourself, you are different now.  Every day I try to move towards a more peaceful place in my thoughts.  Dare I even say it, I really like, or better yet appreciate the new me!  After all, being cheated on, lied to, ignored, unloved, verbally abused, and treated like live-in childcare leaves you with only one way to go, and that is up.  Seriously!  After living in a home where the pet hamster got more attention than I did, I have found that the grass really is greener on the other side of the fence I just hopped. 

 Yet, somehow, by the grace of God, I am more of a whole person than I have ever been, and I live vibrantly.  My hope is that my children see me as solid and not weak because in this world, if you don’t stand for something, you are sure to fall for anything.  I want them to know that it is absolutely okay to say no to someone who places little value on their needs.  With open arms, I am here to help you create a similar space of your very own.  One where you don’t just survive, but you thrive!  Once in this space, you may even entertain the thought of loving again, but in this space is where you will fall in love…with yourself…maybe for the first time.  And from that my friends, no greater love is born.

In 2007, almost five years into my marriage, back to school I went to become a Certified Health Coach.  I hadn’t realized the magnitude of how my quest for wellness would save my life while simultaneously being chewed up and spit out by the one who promised to love me forever.  Through helping others reclaim their health, I have also reclaimed my own. Today I am honored to work with a brilliant, very forward thinking doctor who is passionate about prevention, lifestyle, and together we understand that certain people in our lives can be just as toxic for our waistline as overloading on ice cream, or chips piled high with guacamole.

While it’s true that your path has made you stronger in many ways, it also has slowly chipped away at your being, your foundation, your self esteem and the health of your body which is the temple of your soul.  All of the sleepless nights, sleeping pills, coffee for energy, neglect, worry, crying, despair, constant betrayal and verbal abuse has affected your health.  Nutritional slaughter tends to be the result of living with, and trying to cope with this type of chronic stress.  The result is high blood pressure and cholesterol, excessive weight gain or weight loss, low energy, mad sugar cravings, insomnia, hormonal imbalance, breakouts, drinking more alcohol, and so much more.  Yes, things are tough, but you are tougher my dear.  It happened, it wasn’t fair, it wasn’t your fault, and it plain old sucks.  Now you must pick up the pieces of yourself and insist on being as healthy as you can so that you can enjoy the future that you desperately crave.  The relentless fight to protect my health was a daily choice in refusing to give this “taker” any more of myself than I already had.  In my book, due out the end of 2014, I share hundreds of ways in which I protected myself daily so that I was able to truly be present for work, and my loving family and friends.  Here are some ways for you to begin today to honor yourself.  Haven’t you had enough?
1.   Drink half your body weight in ounces per day.  If you weigh 150 pounds, you need 75 oz of water a day –drinking in between meals is better for digestion than gulping it down with food. This is a serious hydration, craving control, weight management and immune booster!

2    The single most important food to limit is sugar. The amount we consume is literally killing.  It is highly addictive and sneaky food companies add it to almost everything!  An apple with the skin has about 15 grams, as much as 6 Hershey kisses.  If you want to lose weight fast, keep all sugar (fruit and treats alike) to 35 to 45 grams a day. You may become a crabby bear for the first 5 days of detox as you break the addiction, but that is to be expected.  Following that is a feeling of why did I wait so long, all while your liver does cartwheels in delight, and you lose weight!

3.   Fight tooth and nail for alone time.  Maybe it’s a quiet cup of coffee in the morning before everyone is up, or maybe it’s a less congested, more scenic route home.  You might just have to say no to things that people are expecting you to say yes to, but can make you feel stressed and resentful.  I always enjoy walks alone this time of year on trails covered with crunchy autumn leaves. How will you connect to yourself today? This week?

4. Exercise – it has to be two things – consistent and enjoyable.  I am not a gym type gal and I get bored easily there.  So, I combine walking trails and hiking with an intense yoga practice.  It releases endorphins, strengthens bones, burns calories, improves circulation, and can help you sleep.  So, quit feeling guilty about scheduling in your exercise because your life depends on it.

5. Keeping up someone else’s charade is exhausting.  You probably  often “fake it” in various social circles, so you need  to find at least one person with whom you can let your hair down, let your guard down, and  trust them with the imperfect details of your life…..knowing they’ve got your back!

6. Take 400mg magnesium every single day.  Most everyone is deficient in this miracle mineral, and it helps with stress, sleep, immune system, disease prevention, and keeps bowels super happy.  I prefer the glycinate form as it absorbs better.  There are no known drug interactions, so enjoy a more regular, healthier, relaxed you!   

You do have another chance to become whole, healthy and a little bit hotter! ;o)

You may have given him your heart, but take your health back….for life!

Visit my website at for more information.            
Thanks, Jeanine, for starting off this season with some healthy thoughts! In next month's newsletter, I'll be discussing some holiday tips that people share in order not to dwell on the loss--but more of the gain.


Hi Bonnie

I've been thinking about this for awhile so I think ill share my idea
with you.

So many men do not tell for fear they will be seen as less manly or
macho or a wimpy gay guy.  However in the process of deceiving and
hiding behind their wives as a cover, they actually end up acting

So my slogan for this catch 22 is:

Real Men tell their wife/wives.



Some of our women would really like to meet in person others going through this situation for friendship and understanding. If you are in this situation or live in an area where someone is in this situation and would like to "hook up," let me know!

One of our women from Modesto, California is seeking support from anyone in the area. Please email me at if you are near there.


My Tuesday evening support chat has been changed to Tuesday afternoon at 3:30 EST,       2:30 CT, 1:30 MT, and 12:30 PT. We are combining the chat with our sisters in the United Kingdom. If you are free during the day, please join us. Write to me for instructions at

Have a peaceful and "healthier" month!

Love, Bonnie

No comments:

Post a Comment