Thursday, April 17, 2014

Bonnie Kaye’s Straight Talk Newsletter
APRIL 2014     Volume 15, Issue 152

Bonnie’s Mantras:

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My next healing weekend will be in Los Angeles, California. It will take place September 20/21. If you are interested in receiving details, please write to me at and write "California Info" in the subject box. Our healing weekends are a place where women can meet, share, bond--and never even say a word--but you'll want to!
I see a pattern. I don't like it--but I see it. I was hoping that after all of these years I wouldn't see it, but I still do.

As your husbands continue to come out of their closets, some of you are going deeper into them. You're even going deeper in than they were. I really thought that once your husbands were ready to come out, you would break through the sounds of silence that had shackled you for so long. I really thought that now you could hold your head up high and let people know, "It wasn't me after all. I wasn't the problem. He's gay--and that was the problem."
Ah, silly me! I was so sure that the song "Coming Out of the Dark" would become the theme words for all of our women when your gay husbands were running out into the light. Well, in another song "Say It Isn't So," that's not what is happening.

For some of our women, it seems that now that the closet is emptier, you just have more room to hang out in it. Instead of being less appealing, you're not only in there but also decorating it as if it is your new den or recreation room. Some of you may be feeling better reading this because in isolation, there is always comfort knowing you are not alone--and you're not.
I hear this comment more than any other from our women: "While our husbands are now out there getting accolades for their honesty and made into heroes for being honest, no one is looking our way to make us feel any better." Is that really true???
Yes, it is. Our ex's are Olympians who are crossing the finish line by coming out into a world that is harsh and cruel. They have accomplished the impossible--namely being honest after living their lie with you for so many years. Their families still embrace them. Their buddies congratulate them. They have a wide support network waiting for them. They can finally live authentically the life they were meant to live.

And then there's you. The wife in shock. Who's looking at you with empathy and compassion? Who is standing there to tell you that you're the champion who has been trying to make a broken marriage perfect and spinning yourself around in circles always stuck in the web of deceit that your husband has woven? After the initial, "Oh, that's terrible" or "I'm so sorry you had to go through this," passes, those same "compassionate" group starts wondering, "What's taking you so long to get over it? Your husband moved on and he's happy. What can't you be?"  And what they are thinking by now is, "He wasn't gay when he married you. What did you do to bring that out in him?"

Yep, once again, it's OUR fault. In society today with people buying into that  50 shades of gay theory. Every man has a shade of gay in his life because there is a popular new word out there--FLUIDITY. People weren't buying into the Kinsey Scale anymore. It was too complicated finding out which rung you were climbing up or falling off.  Now the new word is "Fluidity" which accounts for "anything goes in life for a moment, a day, reason or a season" or something like that.

Been there. Done it. Heard it. Hate it.

For those of you whose husbands won't tell others even if they are out to you or won't tell even you, that closet is even more appealing. Why? because if you tell people that your husband is gay, they are going to tell you "NO WAY!!" They will tell you that you are crazy. Or quite often I now hear this:

            He's not gay--you're just saying that because you are angry and this is your                      way of getting back at him.

Really now? In other words, women who are sick of their husbands or who have husbands who are jerks are now claiming these men are gay because they're angry?? PLEASE!!
Yep, again, silly me. A couple of weeks ago I was tuned into Steve Harvey's Family Feud. The question was "Name seven (7) things you would tell people about your husband if he left you."
Of course, the first one was, "He was bad in bed." The last one was, "He has a little penis." But guess what? Stuck in between there was, "He is gay." Now if I hadn't heard this myself, I might question someone's hearing--but it's true. It was on the list big and bold. 

So now the word is out: If you get pissed off at your husband and say he is gay when everyone else thinks is wonderful, it's because you're angry at him. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. What a laugh. Of course it's at our expense.

I figured out it has taken thousands of years to people to even start to understand that homosexuality is not a choice. Maybe in another couple of thousand years they will understand that marrying a gay man was not our choice either.

Thank you everyone who takes the time to send me feedback. Sometimes your letters are so important that I ask you permission if I can share them. Thank you to the ladies who shared this month!

Hi Bonnie!  
Your March newsletter came at a perfect time.  I have followed your newsletter for years, written you, and chatted with you.  You have ALWAYS responded to me quickly and with compassion.  I am going through a divorce, and have my first hearing tomorrow.  I don't really need any more justification for what I am doing - going through with my decision.  Yet I find that maybe I DO need all of the reassurance I can get right now.  He is trying to manipulate and guilt me in every way to stay in (suicide threats among other tactics, and he knows how to pull my heart strings), and stick with his "status quo", as I have for 14 years now.  Yet that is an understatement because there has been abuse.  For me, that is what my decision comes down to.  I am raising now 11 and 8 year old daughters, and I want us all to see "clearly from the other side".  This is about self respect.
I recently related with a woman who, while with her ex, wished he would just hit her, so she could say, to herself and her less than supportive family, "Okay, see- he IS abusive".  Well, I am here to say that the line can always move.  When he hits you, you want to forget (self preservation?), you want to think "it doesn't happen all the time."  You see, there is always worse, but does that mean we tolerate it?  At what point is it enough?  Is it when bars are on our windows and we are prohibited from outside contact?  Is that what finally makes it the kind of abuse it is okay to escape from?  I have experienced verbal abuse, and it is just as painful.  
Physical is painful because of what it does in our hearts, mind and soul.  The beauty is that our soul can survive anything, and nobody can take our soul, who we are inside.  That part of us can stay strong and fight.  The abuser doesnt even know that they can't win.  They don't know what goes on inside our head.  Our hearts and minds get wounded, but can recover.  I believe while in the relationship or marriage they can only recover so far.  When we leave, the recovery can blossom in ways we can only imagine.

 I finally got to the point I didn't care anymore if he was gay or had the madonna whore syndrome.  I came home recently, unexpected.  I was doing this to be protective of the girls and me while court papers were on their way in the mail.  I never know how he will react to things.  He is also an alcoholic.  Believe it or not, he has a Master's Degree and has an excellent "mask", plus he is an amazing chef and provider.  Anyway he was all spiffed up as if he went on a date.  Before he walked in I found porn.  I took a picture of the screen and later had a friend's husband help me find the link.  It was typical male porn, taboo in what a guy would think is "wrong" or "slutty", and excite him.  So I have concluded he most likely has Madonna whore syndrome.  However, it doesn't even matter, because your newsletter STILL applies to me.  This last letter, March 2014, strikes me, most every word.  Do I deserve REAL love?  Absolutely.  
My counselor and I were talking and did I sign up for this marriage?  Did I ask for a personal amazing chef (I can cook too, but it is awesome to have shopping done and wonderful food cooked all the time) and provider ONLY?  WHY did I get married?  What did I want?  Would any woman sign up for this in the beginning?  I wanted true love, compassion, support (emotional, physical, and financial is a plus), a good father and male role model for my kids, sex (that was one of my TOP desires, and I GAVE it up.  I gave up that part of me.  Come to think of it, I gave up SO much of myself), friendship.  
Anyway I have a great support system, ironically many are strong and intelligent women friends, plus my amazing counselor.  I am now looking at my future.  I am already a dental hygienist, but it is hard to find benefits or full time work.  Plus I gave up years of experience to support his military career and his getting his Master's.  I always wished MY dreams mattered.  Well now I am looking into my options.  Last night I was looking at an Associates in Nursing, becoming an RN, then I could pursue my Bachelor's degree while working.  I could also pursue a Master's degree if I desire.  Funny that the enrolling process is more overwhelming to me than the idea of all the studying and coursework.  I LOVE studying and learning, and can't wait to use that part of my brain.  Nursing goes along with my passions of nutrition and health, psychology, hospice and helping others.  I want to empower women, and what a better way to do it than start at home with the three girls I have.  (Myself, and the two biggest blessings that have come out of a challenging situation and "marriage".)  I know it would be the icing on the cake for these girls to see mom work hard, study hard, and accomplish goals.  

I love you, Bonnie Kaye.  Your March letter and educational pursuits and journey serve to inspire me further.  I will make myself get through the daunting enrollment process at this college (my parents helped me with all of it when I got my RDH).  I have been so scared financially and of the unknown, but I am ready to take it on now.    I am most certainly worth it, and my girls are most certainly worth it. 
Name Withheld
Dear Bonnie,

I'm writing  you this letter to say thank you, you saved my life. I think you were one of the answers to my many prayers. Thanks to your wonderful cause and all your dedication. Your blog gave me the answer i needed. Let me tell you my story...

I married 4 years ago to whom I believed was the one i would spend the rest of my life with. But we had problems since we started the planning of our wedding. His family never accepted me from the beginning because I come from a privileged background, he on the other hand comes from a working family. But he stood up for me even when his family threatened to cut him off their lives. At the end he made clear that he loved me and wanted to be with me no matter what. That's when I fell really hard for him.
We had the most beautiful wedding, but the problems began once again in our honeymoon. It was odd, to say the least. He was distant, depressed and even though we had sex, I felt no real connection between us.  He acted like he was mad at me for some reason and I always tought it was because the problems with his family were never really resolved and that in some level he blamed me for the closeness he lost with his mother.

Our first year of marriage had practically the same dynamic. He was depressed, angry at me, and had no interest to be a part of my life at all. Although we had sex, I began to realize it was only when I initiated it. He was always guarding his cell phone and stayed in the bathroom for hours. That's when i became suspicious that he might be having an affair, and started to look for some proof. I could never describe the feeling when I saw that he was having sexual encounters with other men by meeting them online. Then suddenly a lot of things fall into place. When i confronted him, he told me he was sorry that he was in fact bisexual and that he hadn't been feeling and emotional connection with me since the problems with his family started, that he felt a lot of pressure and that was his way of letting it out. But that he loved me and wanted our marriage to work. That he didn't wanted to have this other life anymore, that in the moment he was confused but he didn't wanted to lose me...and i believed him. I needed to.
We decided to stay together and that time felt like i was having the marriage and the husband i wanted from the start. I was happy. Six months later i got pregnant and i fell in love deeper with him. He was very attentive, he wanted to be with me all the time and that reassured me that everything we went trough was in the past.

We decided to move to the U.S, for a job opportunity (we are originally from Mexico) But six months after my baby was born, things started to change again. I was feeling untrusting all the time. I felt angry because the idea in the back of my mind was getting out. He could do this to me again was the only thing in my mind.

It was hard to be with a newborn on my own and being in the house by myself all day ( we had no friends or support system of any kind). The stress of the situation made me very  aggressive and that's how i justified all these feelings of lack of trust and anger towards him. I was always starting fights and telling him that i didn't trusted him. He was always saying that he understood that he was the one to blame for all our relationship issues and that i had to trust him and believe that he would never do that to me again. And i did for some time.

We had our ups and downs but last year the distance between us began to grow. The lack of interest and the resentment returned, this time in both of us. He was tired of my
nagging and i was tired of feeling lonely and rejected. After all i left behind all my family and friends to be with this man that was more of a glorified roommate than a life partner.

That's when you showed up. I began doing some research and found your website. I think the newsletter about how gay men think different than regular men changed my life. It described my husband all the way. I used to cry because I didn't understand his way of thinking and started blaming me for not being able to put our past behind. That was a regular cycle for me. I felt angry and hurt and blame him for it and then felt guilty and asked for forgiveness. The forgiveness came with a price to pay. We didn't have sex until he was able to forgive me for not trusting him.

I was really depressed, but your blog made me realize that my life wasn't supposed to be that complicated. That even if my self esteem was buried underground i deserved love and happiness and my child deserved a happy mother and a stable home. I was determined to move back to México after the holidays but i don't know if the emotions brought up by the season made second guessed my decision. I wasn't sure anymore if i was doing the right thing, but then all my question were answered by God. I was waiting for my husband to come back from work when i received a call from the ER of a hospital from another county. My husband had been taken there with an overdose. Apparently he was at the house of a man he had met online and were doing drugs. When i got there with my one year old in the middle of the night and the nurse gave me his cell phone i wanted to slap myself for being such an idiot. He did it again. In fact he had been doing it for a while. I went back home called his parents to let them know he was unconscious and that the doctors weren't sure when he was going to wake up. Or if he was going to wake up. I told them i was leaving him and packed my suitcase. Because of the season, all the flights were full and i had to stay for 2 more weeks.  At that time my husband was discharged ( i had to pick him up and bring him clothes) and he asked me to stay and give it another try for our child. I had never been so sure about anything in my life like the answer i gave him. NO! But to be honest if this would have happened without me reading your blogs, I'm not that sure the answer would have been the same.
I took a flight on new year's eve, and starting a new life with my loved ones. I'm only starting this journey and i know it won't be easy. But i am determined to move on and not letting the actions of someone else define my existence.

Thank you for being a true companion on this journey we didn't ask to walk. You saved my life. I have now the opportunity to live a happy life. I am healthy, i have a beautiful baby boy and a lot of love around me. That could have been different if i haven't got from you the strength to fight for my life.

All my blessing to you and to those who are in this painful path.

PS please excuse my terrible grammar and spelling. As you know english is my second language and when i was writing about this my brain was shut down by my heart.

Thanks again Bonnie, Name Withheld.
Dear Bonnie,

Wow!  What a powerful newsletter that was! (March 2014).  I could literally feel some of my tattered loose ends heal over.....and I have many, many tatters.  These are the logical result of having your life yanked out from underneath you...your battered heart ripped out of your chest, ..your past, and your future strewn about at your feet, by the one person in this world you thought you could trust FOREVER. A  bloody mess that wounds you to your core.

I have been in your support circle since 2006.  I function well enough on the outside for someone who has been doing this for almost 9 years.  Yep, like Bonnie, this may very well take me 11 years...or more.  It is a very complex healing process.  Many of my friends can't grasp it....are insensitive to it.  They say splitting up is so common these days--lots of people rebuild their lives (like it is in some way comparable to a normal divorce experience!!).  I think, then, it must be a case of "you really had to have been there" to really "get it".  And your support circle and newsletter "gets it". I think that some people even discount me as an angry ex, imagining the gay my ex is still playing the straight game with another unsuspecting female. I worry about..and pray for her every night...that she will figure it out faster than I did.

I had wanted to contribute to your recent book "Gay Men Say the Darndest Things". But, my youngest child went into crisis, was hospitalized, and time slipped away.  Here are some of my favourite ex-husband quotes(the excuses he used to avoid sex).

"I am the laziest person I know".  (A cop-out comment from the guy who absolutely must have a fitness club membership at all times). Is it the showers there?

"I'm afraid of hurting the baby."  (a cop out for the pregnancy months).

"I've had so much sex in my teen years that I guess I've worked it out of my system" ( a cop out that he has been using since his mid-late 20's).

"Sex on demand killed it for me.  It took all the fun out of it , and I guess it stayed with me." ( Our second child was born after 2 years of infertility, frustrating him and delaying his "I'm afraid of hurting the baby " excuse for months!!!).

'It's the medication I'm taking." ( I think he's referring to the antidepressants he was taking, and not the poppers I found in his suitcase).

"Most people don't have sex past the age of 40.  My parents sure haven't! Why do you think they have separate beds? Your parents are the exception, rather than the rule."    (His mother had insomnia.  His father snored.  They did not get along well AT ALL.    My parents, on the other hand, could not keep their hands off of each other.  They were an inspiration to all their married friends. My mother told me personally that, once they had both had double by-passes and were in their 70's, they were ending their" technical" sex lives together. This is because they were afraid that they would kill each other--with PASSION! Running up the big staircase to their bedroom-giggling and growling-was beginning to concern them, and neither of them wanted to be responsible for performing CPR.

There were many parallels in your March 2014 newsletter to my own experience. My ex feeling trapped in the marriage, when it was actually he that trapped me. Many nights I cried and he snored like a baby. He'd get angry at me for crying. He'd minimize my feelings.  By the 7th year, he told me not to talk about emotions, and by the 21st year (Whaddayaknow) he says " lets tell the kids we've drifted apart!!"  He tries to get me to accept 50/50 responsibility for why the marriage is ending, never admitting to the real reason there is no marriage left.

"Knowing the truth from our gay husbands helps us to move forward,,.to heal the scars, bridge the understanding and bring closure". Our husband denying us the truth, leaves the scars opened for an unnecessarily long time. telling the truth is the least they can do to help.

Sincerely,  Judy

Ladies, these were such powerful letters. Hopefully it will help our other women. Thank you so, so much!


Our own beloved therapist, Dr. Brian Hooper, is now on Facebook. If you are on Facebook, please go to Dr. Brian Hooper and give him a like! Brian is on my radio show the last Sunday of every month. Here's a link to our last show:

Mike Gaurroute of Linked Investigations appeared on my show this past week. He is the most incredible private investigator. Here's a link to his show:

 Don't forget--I have my support chats twice a week. Let me know if you'd like to join!!

Love, Bonnie :)

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