Friday, May 16, 2014


Bonnie Kaye’s Straight Talk Newsletter
MAY 2014     Volume 15, Issue 153

Bonnie’s Mantras:
Help support Bonnie’s mission to help women and men in pain. Purchase her books from her website at

My next healing weekend will be in Los Angeles, California. It will take place on September 20/21. If you are interested in receiving details, please write to me at and write "California Info" in the subject box. Our healing weekends are a place where women can meet, share, bond--and never even say a word--but you'll want to! We will also have some wonderful guest speakers to inspire you in your future paths of recovery!

First, allow me to wish all of the wonderful mothers who are part of my network a slightly belated Happy Mother's Day. For millions of us, Mother's Day has become synonymous with Happy Single Mother's Day. Ouch. That wasn't what we had in mind when we conceived our beautiful children out of love. We didn't plan to bring the up alone. We got married to raise our children in a loving, nurturing home surrounded by two parents--not one full time mother and a part-time dad.

For many of us, our lives were thrown into turmoil when the word "homosexuality" took front and center stage. After we caught our breath that was diminishing rapidly by the moment as we hyperventilated into a brown paper bag, all of the fears started racing through our brain--led by the most upfront one--THE CHILDREN. How am I going to raise THE CHILDREN?
Most of us didn't believe we were equipped to raise a family on our own. In fact--to be honest--that is why a number of you hung in your marriage walking over those eggshells and being twisted inside out in a topsy-turvey world of CRAZINESS. You thought to yourself--or shall I say you justified--even a bad home with two parents is better than a good home with one parent. Or--just because he can't be a good husband doesn't mean he can't be a good father. Or--just because he can't be a good father doesn't mean he can't help our family financially. Or--oh, never mind. I have learned that the river called "Justification" is bigger and deeper than the river "Denial." 

Some of the time you didn't have a choice. He wanted out. He wanted to live his life as he saw fit meaning--as a gay man. Ouch again.  But let's be for real. How long can you expect him to lead a life that isn't his to live? He tried it--but he didn't like it. And trust me it's not just about sex in many cases--it's about finding your place in the world where you belong. A gay man doesn't belong in a straight marriage. Hasn't he expressed that to you in so many ways over the years without coming out and saying it directly? Hasn't he complained about how unhappy he is--unhappy because YOU can't make him happy. You see, all you want is sex all of the time. You are trying to CONSUME him because you want to do things that you see other couples do. Haven't you learned by now that you're not attractive enough, thin enough, busty enough, curvy enough, smell good enough, smart enough, clean the floor until your face shines in it enough, or just enough in general to make your gay husband happy? Maybe you just haven't tried hard enough--period. You see, you haven't offered to have that sex-change operation--and that might be enough! Short of that, ditch the idea that this marriage can work. It can't. Well, it can't if you want a traditional marriage. If you are willing to settle for a husband who doesn't want you physically--meaning SEXUALLY--emotionally, or one who is out there like a dog sniffing the male scenery and doing his thing in the bushes--then stay married. But pleasssssssssssssse....whatever you do, don't tell me that your gay husband has never done anything before and he swears he won't "try it." Save that story for someone who hasn't been there and lived it.

"Single Motherhood" is a horrible thought. I remember when I became one many years ago. I had two babies--a daughter two-and-a-half and a son 3 months old. I had a GED back then and nothing more except some typing skills. I had a son born with a rare genetic illness that would eventually take his life 23 years later. I was scared to death. The day came when my ex got angry enough to walk out on me because he was so angry that I went into his wallet sitting on the kitchen table and read a letter sticking out of it written by a guy who was in love with him. "How dare you read my private letters?" he shouted at me. He should only know I searched his pockets and wallet for years looking for proof of his infidelity to me. Ironically, in the beginning I was searching for women's names because he was a "chick magnet." Women loved him. He was so charming, handsome, and funny. Women used to tell me how "lucky" I was to have him for my husband. I'll never forget several years after my divorce when a co-worker came up to me and said, "You're WERE so lucky to be married to him. How did you ever let him go?" When I replied, "He's gay!," she said to me in all sincerity, "Well, I wouldn't let something like that break us up." Uggggghhhh.

Sorry for digressing from the point I was trying to make! My ex walked out trying to "teach me a lesson" that if I tried to stop him from what he wanted to do, I would be the one to suffer. He truly believed that if he left me to fail, I would. He knew that when he left me with no car (he took it), no telephone (he built up the bill high enough to have it disconnected in the days before cell phones), the rent a month behind (didn't pay it), and $50.00 on the table (enough to buy food and diapers for the week back then), and yes--two babies (he left them)--I would fall under and beg him to come back. He packed his bags and gave no indication he would be coming back. I was numb more than I was scared. When I watched him drive away in the car with my two babies crying, I was in shock.

But guess what? After "reorganizing" my life in the first few days, I felt a sense of peace of mind that I had forgotten existed through my tumultuous marriage. The three hours of sleep I had each night were worth the it knowing I would be the one sleeping soundly because I wasn't crying myself to sleep wondering why I'd have to wake up to be a spineless victim the next day. The invisible emotional black and blue scars inside my body grew daily throughout my marriage with each new day's verbal abuse and rage from my ex. My confidence started to return by day three. My anger set in by day four. My strength emerged by day six. And by day eight, when my ex-husband knocked at the door with his suitcase in hand telling me that, "I hope you have learned your lesson," I was able to tell him to turn around and return to his mother's house in New York where he went the week before to "teach me a lesson." You see, he took a calculated risk that I would fail and be willing to do anything to have him back--including accepting his horrible behavior. He was wrong. Even in that one week, I was able to find myself and say, "Never again!"

There was nothing easy over the next few years of being a welfare mother while I snuck to school so that someday I could support my children in the way I wanted to. Back then, welfare mothers weren't allowed to go to school. The philosophy used to be, "If you can go to school, you can work." So yes--I had to sneak. I did whatever I had to do to juggle, juggle, juggle everything until I graduated and started to immediately work. Then I continued in school until I received my Master's Degree. I wasn't financially stable in those early years. I was lucky to be working--but I had learned to live on less. Money can't buy you happiness was a lesson I had learned. When my children were little, their clothes came from the thrift stores where I was so happy to find nice clothes for fifty cents or a dollar. After I started working and they were in elementary school, I was happy to afford the K-mart clothes which was the next step up. Once I moved up at my job, I could provide more and better for them financially.

It was no easy ride for sure, but I will say this. "Single Motherhood" gave me the opportunities my marriage never would. I would never have had the strength to sit in a classroom and concentrate on anything when I was married. When I wanted to go to school my ex said, "NO. You have other responsibilities." It just would not have happened because I was in a beat-down mental state of submission. Lesson learned--you can have the opportunity to MAXIMIZE yourself after your marriage is over. You can find the real you again--and change into the "new" new you never knew you were. If you weren't strong before, you can have a chance to build yourself in a new direction. It takes time and a lot of work, but it is so, so worth it. You can learn to smile again and really mean it. You will give yourself the greatest gift that single motherhood offers--the opportunity to recreate yourself.

That being said, I would like to share a link to my radio show from Mother's Day with my wonderful new member of our support network, Alexa Servodidido.
Alexa, a licensed clinical social worker/therapist, is awesome. She appeared on my show before in March, and I have asked her to return as a regular guest in the future. Alexa specializes in healing--healing from all kinds of trauma including a destructive marriage and post traumatic stress. In this broadcast, we discuss how to choose a therapist that will work for you because many people have no clue.

Alexa has her own show "Insight Into Healing" that can be heard on your computer. You can go to her Facebook page at Insight Into Healing to learn more about it directly or through the link on my website at On the right side of the page under my links to wonderful professionals, you'll find her information.
You can write to her directly at: if you would like to set up phone counseling or in-person counseling sessions.

One great point here is that you don't live in New York where Alexa's practice is. She can do phone counseling with you, and she takes blue cross/blue shield as well as Medicare. What a gift for those of you who have this insurance! Of course she can arrange private payments if you don't have insurance as well. If you need therapy to help move you past your current state which will help you heal, contact Alexa. She is truly awesome and passionate about helping women heal!


On Sunday night May 18, my radio show guest will be Ken Rinehart from the Straight Spouse Network. Ken, who is a film maker, has produced a video that is excellent representing what both men and women go through when a spouse comes out.
You can see the video at this link: (paste it into your browser)

The radio show this Sunday can be heard at this link live at 10 p.m. EST or any time after the airing at this link:

Ken was married to a woman who came out, so it will be interesting to hear a man's perspective of the emotional impact it has on men.


I love Jeanine Finelli--our own health fitness superstar. Jeanine is a straight wife who has survived a painful marriage to a gay man through specializing in good physical health to help her mental health from enduring emotional abuse for years.

Jeanine has now made a career out of health coaching, and she generously gives her time to other straight wives to help them maximize themselves through good health. What I love most about Jeanine is that her lectures never "lecture you" on what you SHOULD DO--rather she suggests ways to feel better. For me, being "oversized" at best--this is a wonderful thing. With Jeanine, I never feel intimidated, but rather I always feel better after talking to her. She always makes me feel so much better just by listening to her own perspective.

This month, our rising star was featured on a commercial for Oprah Winfrey. You can see her on the Dove commercial as the first speaker talking about her favorite body part--her hands!  Here is the link to the ad:

Congratulations, Jeanine. All I can tell everyone is that Jeanine has a book that she is completing this summer. I have previewed it, and trust me, it has blown me away. I'll let you know when it can become part of your own personal collection!You can see Jeanine's website at:

MAILBAG - Letters from our extraordinary women who are willing to share!

I have bought a few of your books and have listened to quite a few of your radio programs.  First, I want to say, Thank you for doing what you do. 

Two days ago I went through mediation with my wasband (No, that is not a typo).  I feel I have been raped for the last time by him.  We were married for 24 years and together for 26.  The divorce took 2 yrs and 8 months.  Although I have complained about the process taking so long it has really been a time of healing for me.  If I knew at the time that I filed for divorce what I know now I would still be in the fetal position.

I have to say that I grew up in an abusive home.  After years of therapy I realize that one of the lessons that I learned was that I could love my abuser.  I loved my dad and I know he loved his children but he was the type of person that could not handle any disruption.  Well, we all know that kids disrupt everything.  Now i know know what a toxic lesson I had learned at an early age that would be repeated in my marriage.

The physical abuse I suffered as a child was nothing compared to the relentless emotional abuse I suffered in my marriage. I can't even begin to explain the marriage in an email.  He was so cold and with holding of any affection.  So demanding of my time and that I live up to his unrealistic expectations.  He was physically abusive on one occasion because I expressed a contrary opinion.  The relentless criticism, nagging, badgering and daily negating of me was unbearable.  In my 40's I developed a debilitating stutter when talking to my wasband. I was constantly walking on eggshell.  Trying to please him and circumvent  all obstacles to make his life easier.  In some ways I felt totally responsible for his wellbeing.

My two wonderful children who were 18 and 16 at the time called a family meeting between the three of us one day.   It was not planned but they could see my anxiety increasing again as it came closer to the time that my wasband would come home from work.  (I usually was making mad dashes around the house to make sure everything was in order and that I had completed everything on my list that he had given me to do each morning.)  They told me how much they loved me  and that I deserved to be treated better.  They said that they felt that I was "going away".  This was my daughter's way of expressing that I was just becoming a shell of my former self.   They wanted me to get divorced.  They said they knew it would make their lives harder but they said they would be going to college soon and they didn't want me to be stuck with him.  The tears just poured down my face.  I told them I heard what they said but it was my decision to make and I would let them know what I had decided.     What a gift of love.      It is the nicest and most wonderful thing anyone has ever done for me.  They set me free.

Immediately I started making plans for divorce.  I felt like I was on a sinking ship and my babies opened a port hole for us to climb out and swim to safety.

If you met my husband you would be so impressed.  He is handsome, tall, sooo charming and witty, smart than anyone in the room.  I still love his mind.  He can talk on many subjects.  He is an amazing physician.  But when he came home we would see the "other" person.  Constantly cruel and critical of the children and me.  We never measured up.  There was nothing too small to argue about.  If we were talking he would just interrupt  us continually so we could get back to talking about him and his demands.  The list of down right cruel things he did to us are too numerous to write about.

About a year and a half into the divorce my wasband's sister told me to get a book  called Emotional Blackmail so I could have a better understanding of what I was living for years. (I am still close with my all my sister-in-laws).  When I went on Amazon to order the book, a lot of books about narcissism popped up.  So I bought three of them too.  Light bulb moment!  I knew he was narcissistic but these books were amazing in giving me insight into the totality of his narcissism!  I had no idea how it was so pervasive in our marriage  when I was living with him.  I even surprised my councilor by figuring this all out on my own.  She has never met him and apparently it is a hard diagnosis to make since they are such expert liars.

LIARS, now that's the key word.  Last summer my daughter went with me to our second home to collect my belongings.  It was a grieving time for me.  She was so patient and kind, leaving me to grieve on my own.  After I pulled myself together she asked me if I wanted to look for his porn?!   I HAD NO IDEA he ever watched porn!  He was too elitist to go to the movies!  Apparently our son found porn in my wasbands car when he was around 5 and he had been watching it throughout the whole marriage!  My daughter said the one she saw was a "threesome, two guys and a girl".  Hmmmmm, two guys.  I had thought my husband was asexual!   I had been practically doing backhand-springs trying to get him to pay attention to me and have sex. He NEVER commented on my body or looked at it. His desire for sex diminished as the marriage progressed.   We very often only had sex  "doggie style" for lack of a better term.  On a rare occasion we had it front facing at the end of the marriage and he put a pillow over his face to block me out!  I knew he would often master-bate after I got out of bed in the morning to make his coffee, take the dogs outside and make sure the kids were up.  If I asked him to give me a kiss or hug he would say, "When you say that, it doesn't make me feel closer to you."  Years ago he stopped holding my hand or putting his arm around me.  He said it bothered his neck.  When I would try to kiss him he would give me his cheek.

Five months after finding out about the porn  I got two phone calls from old friends of my wasbands that were in our wedding.  He has NEVER  maintained a friendship his whole life. These men called me because they didn't have his number anymore but they still had mine. He must have messaged them on FB about our separation.  Our best man at our wedding was gay.  At the time I thought, "Ok that happens some times."  Apparently three of the four groomsmen that were in our wedding are gay!  I can't get on the fourth's FB page so he may be gay too.

Finally the missing piece to the puzzle!  I couldn't understand why my wasband was so nice to outsiders and so cruel to the kids and me.  I would have thought that a narcissist would enjoy sex.  Here was my answer!  He is a total narcissist and he HATES himself for being gay!  He projected his self hatred on to the three of us all those years.  We were a constant reminder of what he could not be.  If I had lied to myself all those years thinking he was straight I had also lied to myself that he had not cheated on me.  I had myself tested for all testable STD's and I tested negative.  Thank God.

I know he loved me when he married me.  He must have thought I was his savior from all the frightening  homosexual feelings he was having.  But when he realized he could not change and could not love us like he should have he should have set us free.   It was his CHOICE to be cruel to us.  Yes, he cheated me out of money in the divorce.  But more importantly he stole the last 18 years of my life.

He will never come out of the closet, even to himself.  He has a new girlfriend.  I introduced myself to her at church.  (That's another great story!)   He has found another cover.  Another caretaker who is willing to compromise herself, believe his poor pitiful me stories and sneak around with him. 

My wasbands legacy?  My son asks me, "Do you think dad loves P____ and me?"  "Do you think he enjoys spending time with us?"  I talk with both children about his  narcissism and how it affects us.  I have told my daughter about his homosexuality and met with her councilor at college to discuss the ramifications of everything that she struggles with in relationships at the present time.  My daughter is a mature 21 year old.  My son is an immature 19 year old so we have decided to let him mature a few more years before we tell him the whole truth.  One step at a time.

My life is so different than what I thought it would be.  The kids and I are victims of homophobia even though we are straight.  I would like to be part of a couple someday and have heterosexual sex.  I am making decisions as a single person that are scary but also wonderful.  Now a mistake is just a mistake.  I still make them but I don't have to beat myself up in anticipation of his criticism for days, week even years. 

I am working on me and the children for now.  We are happier and have a new definition for family.  My life is so much fuller without him.  I smile and laugh all the time.  I am painting again, volunteering and teaching swim lessons to 3, 4 and 5 yr olds.  I don't know what the future will bring but everything looks brighter from here.

I would like to get your news letter and am thinking of attending your conference in LA in September.

Thanks again for being you Bonnie.

Peace, C.

Thank you so much for taking the time to put into words what I have felt so guilty about for over a year now.  My (now) ex-husband now has a boyfriend and is in the process of coming out.  The whole time we were getting divorced, he begged me to keep things as they were, threatened suicide, lied, and gave me hell.  I kept my word to him and out of respect for what he was going through only told a few close friends & family the real reason for divorce.​ I wanted to give him time to come to terms with what was happening-- and know from several close friends that coming out is a painful and stressful time.  From the time I kicked him out until about 4 months ago, his homosexuality was a secret to all in his life except for me (and his newly found gay friends). He told his family (which I had been an active part of for over a decade) that I cheated on him, etc. Apparently this is the story he went with as opposed to what we agreed on for HIS SAKE-- that we decided we were better as friends.  The worst part is that although they all saw the physical and emotional abuse, they believed him. The hardest part was letting go of his family.

I believe that during the time I held his secret, I was decorating my closet to his friends and family.  I didn't defend myself and my close friends would get angry with me for letting this happen. Honestly, I knew that if I did and told the truth, it would just make me look bad.  Now, he has begun to come out to family and a few friends.  Everyone knows now, and I barely ever heard anything but how proud everyone was of him.  It made me boil with anger every time, but I smiled and nodded because that's the "correct" reaction.   I felt so guilty for being angry with him for coming out of this smelling like roses when he not only took 10 years of my life, but also smeared my name to protect his.

About three weeks ago, I met up with some of our mutual friends and one of the guys that has been best friends with my ex-husband since they were in grade school pulled me aside.  He hugged me and told me that everyone was afraid to say anything bad about my ex being "gay", but he wanted me to know that they all felt that gay or straight, what he did was just awful-- from the abuse during the marriage, the lies he told to get married, then the danger he put me in by cheating all the time, as well as the smear campaign he held after I found out he was gay.  They are all furious. His friend was in tears by the end of the conversation and just apologized for not being more upfront about all this.  The group was afraid that if they got mad at him it would appear that they were homophobic, and none of them wanted that.  It was at that moment that I understood-- All of the pressure I had put on myself to keep his secret and make sure "he was okay" during this was basically the same thing that they were doing by "being proud of him".  Coming out is a touchy subject, and people want to do the "right" thing.  That single conversation changed the way I thought of my needs.  I'm better than all of the drama, and am starting a new life-- people aren't stupid-- they know why the marriage ended... that it was him being gay.  If they don't then shame on them for believing someone who has spent his entire life lying about EVERYTHING to EVERYONE who mattered.  I no longer have as much anger about people's reactions. 

It's so important that spouses understand that people aren't as surface as they seem, and most will understand what is happening.  It's just that the subject matter is uncomfortable for most people and they react in the way that is of least resistance.

Thank you again for always hitting the nail on the head - E.


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