Hi Friends,
I wrote this article back in 2013, but it is just so important that I wanted to reprint it now. I hope it helps you gain perspective of the failure of your marriages.
NEW EPIPHANY - GAY MEN DON'T THINK STRAIGHT - July 2013
Every few years, an epiphany hits me like a ton of
bricks. The first one was in 2001 when I realized that we became women who we
were not necessarily supposed to become because our husbands are gay. Instead of working to grow emotionally and
professionally, we are spiritually muted or stagnated for years living in a
state of what I call "Muck"...much like sinking in quicksand. That is
because we dance in that "circle of crazy" which means running around
in circles like a dog chasing after its tail. Even the dog is in better shape
than we are because sometimes he gets a hold of his tail--we just keep sinking
further into helplessness.
Several epiphanies later, I now have a new one. This
comes from 30 years and over 90,000 women asking me dozens of different
questions that usually start the same way:
"HOW
COULD HE DO THIS TO ME?"
It's very simple--he's
GAY.
And here's my newest epiphany:
"GAY
MEN DON'T THINK STRAIGHT."
Please don't misunderstand me. This is not a put down on
gay people at all. It's just a reality based on years of observation. I am the
first to say that I don't think gay. That is because I am straight. Once again--an observation.
So when women ask me how their gay husbands can do the
things they do, it's quite simple--they are GAY. They don't belong in a
marriage to you. PERIOD.
The problem with our women is that they keep expecting
their husbands to act as if they are straight--not gay. You forget
that gay men who complain about their unhappiness are unhappy because they are
married to you--a woman. And even though your husband was for the most part all excited about the
"opportunity" to marry you before you said, "I do," he was
saying, "I hope I can, I hope I can make love to her, I hope she'll
believe me when I pretend to be straight, I hope I won't keep fantasizing about
men anymore, I hope those things I've done with guys will be in the past, I
hope that if I can't resist these urges and she finds out, she won't leave
me," etc. etc. You see, while you were entering the marriage filled with
hopes and dreams, he was entering your marriage filled with the hope that he
could "pull it off."
Don't ever believe that your gay husband just found out
he was gay after he married you--after 10, 20, 30, or 40 years. That isn't
true. And don't believe that he thought all men--including straight
men--fantasize about being with men or have occasional sexual encounters with
men because that is NOT true. And he knows it isn't true--he is just justifying
his sexual fantasies and encounters. And why? He doesn't want to be gay.
I do believe that most gay men marry you because they
love you--but let me clarify that by saying that they love you to the
best of their ability as gay men. They love you the way they would love
a sister or a cousin--but you are not his family--you are his WIFE. And as a wife, you are expecting
more out your husband than to love you as a family member or best friend. That's where the disconnect begins. Some of
us have that happen sooner than later in a marriage--but eventually, it does
happen. And when things are not heating up in the bedroom, that's where the
anger, resentment, and blame begin.
You: Why
does it feel like I have to ask for sex all of the time?
Him: Why
are you always thinking about sex?
You: Other
women spend romantic evenings with their husbands.
Him: You are watching too many movies. It doesn't
happen that way in real life.
You: We've only been married a couple of years.
Why don't you make love to me?
Him: What are you? A nymphomaniac? All you think
about is sex, sex, sex.
Here is the disconnect. As a gay man, he is also thinking
about sex, sex, sex. But he is not thinking about having it with you. When he
thinks about sex with you, he is thinking about a way out of having sex
with you. Just like the thought of having sex with your brother or uncle would
be repulsive to you, he has the same thought when it comes to you. It's not
that he doesn't love you--he just doesn't love you the way you love him--because he is gay. He can love you, but
he can't be "in love" with you. He
is gay--he doesn't know how.
Gay men in denial who have a deep enough desire to stay
married because they can't face living in a "gay world" will go through
the motions. They can talk the talk. After all, they've been practicing their
whole lives observing straight people. They can walk the walk--they know what a
"straight walk" looks like. But they can't do the "dirty"
indefinitely no matter how hard they try. And after a while, it becomes
"dirty" to them. It becomes as incestuous to them as it would be for
us to have sex with a family member--or even your best girlfriend whom you
love--but not as a lover.
Why do we keep expecting gay men to be straight men? That
is the faulty thinking that we have. Every response they have with you is based on their gay
thinking--not on straight thinking. The resentment they have towards you is
because you are a woman who wants them to be a straight man. Why wouldn't you? He
married you. He promised to love you through everything--but he didn't
understand that everything meant being a husband who wants intimacy and sex
with his wife as part of the marital deal.
When your husband married you, he figured he could do it
and maybe enjoy it. After all, he could always close his eyes and fantasize
about his dream man. Many of these gay husbands do just that--and they have
told me so. But they don't want to do more than they have to do to convince you
that they are straight. After all, if they can get an erection every now and
then--even if they can't keep it during your intimate moments--that will prove
to you that they are straight. And if they lose the erection in the middle of
one of those moments--no problem. It's your fault, isn't it? If he can get one,
he takes the credit, but can't keep it going, then you get the credit because
it must be your fault. Let's see, you're too fat...thin...dirty...smelly...flat
chested....big chested...have bad breath...breathe too loud...demand too
much...boring during sex...didn't clean the house enough, don't use the right
shampoo, etc., etc., etc.
And then you ask me how they could do this to you.
So ladies, here's where my new epiphany should become
your new mantra:
GAY
MEN DON'T THINK STRAIGHT BECAUSE THEY ARE GAY!
You need to say this over and over again to yourself daily whether you are still in your marriage or not. You see, we keep wondering how they can worse after they leave the marriage. We keep thinking like straight women who have a straight husband:
Us: Maybe now that he has left, he'll realize how much he has hurt me.
Them: I gave up so much of my life for her. I was
such a good husband and provider. I gave her everything I
had, and all she did was complain and complain about sex. She's so ungrateful.
Yes, we just don't
get it. Women have come to me and said, "He's willing to give up his
family for a roll in the hay with someone? Sex means more to him than his
family?
Yes, you just
don't get it. It's not about sex--it's about being gay and being free of
living a lie where he can never please you. It's about him feeling the kind of
love and excitement with a man that he can never feel for you because he is
gay. And say it again:
GAY
MEN DON'T THINK STRAIGHT BECAUSE THEY ARE GAY.
The key to healing from this nightmare is to realize that
you can't do anything about it other than accept it. You can't personalize it.
When your husband or ex-husband blames you for his unhappiness, you can believe
it because you are a woman. You can never be the wife he needs because he
doesn't need a wife--he needs a man. He is gay.
When he blames you for ANYTHING, hold your head high
because you need to believe this has NOTHING to do with you. You didn't create
it, and you can't change it. In Bonnie Kaye terms that means: You didn't break
him--you can't fix him. Stop trying.
Nothing upsets me more than women who tell me that some
of the problems in the marriage happened because of their behavior so they have
to take some of the blame. Well sister, here's the news--you don't have to take
any of the blame. You married someone who can never make you feel good about
yourself because he was rejecting you on some level since the day he married
you. Even though he didn't want to hurt you, he couldn't help himself because
he is gay.
What does that mean? He resented you. You became the
enemy. You were the keeper of his internal prison he created, and YOU held the key that you refused to
hand him to escape. It doesn't matter that he wanted to marry you, nor does it
matter that he refuses to leave his safety net and comfort level of leading a
"straight life." Now you are the one who "keeps him
trapped" into being someone he doesn't really want to be---namely your husband..
This is where another disconnect
sets in. He continually picks, picks, picks--and he is picking at you and
on you because of his frustration. He'll look to blame you for the problems in
the marriage. After all, he's done everything to make you happy, but you are
never happy. He's a good provider. He's a good father. What's the problem in
the marriage? It has to be YOU. In his mind, he does what he believes is the
right thing to do--other than giving you sex every time you ask for it--and
don't you keep asking? What is with you?
Since most of these men don't or won't tell you the truth until
they are ready--and sadly, too many will never be ready, even when they leave
you--you slowly begin the deterioration process that strips down your
self-esteem one layer at a time. You lose your footing because no matter how
hard you try, your husband doesn't love you the way you know a man should love
a woman. You're not stupid--but you sure are feeling very stupid because
nothing you do is making your husband happy. When you don't know why all of
your efforts don't bear the results you want, you finally understand what is
wrong in your relationship--YOU ARE
INADEQUATE. You have made every attempt to make your husband love you by
showing him with love, affection, and passion--but nothing helps. What is wrong
with you?
This is where the anger, depression, and worthlessness
starts taking over your psyche. Many of our gay husbands/ex-husbands are
passive-aggressive. They use a "slap and smile" strategy meaning they
slap you down (mostly emotionally, but in some cases physically) and then tell
you that they love you. Our "perception" of love gets distorted. As
long as you hear those words "I love you," you feel there is a chance
if only you can change some of your ways. You know what upsets him most--SEX. Other than that, he's not
"that bad." As your family and friends keep telling you, "He's a
good dad. He's a good provider. You go on nice vacations. He's not a WOMANIZER.
You are a lucky woman." Message:
There's nothing wrong with him. You should be happy.
So why aren't you? You start feeling guilty because you
think you don't have the right to complain. Then you start reading magazine
articles that say most relationships "lose their groove" sexually in
time, but the friendship and love is still there. As the song goes, "Don't
worry--be happy." Right? Wrong.
This is not about straight couples who get caught up with
life on life's terms over the years where sex can diminish due to health issues
or job pressures. This is about a gay man who has never made you feel valued as
a woman--only as a sexual aggressor who has turned him off. It's about losing
confidence in everything you do because no matter how much you have done,
nothing is working. So many of our women try transforming themselves by going
through life-changing surgery like gastric bypasses, breast implants,
liposuction, and plastic surgery in order to make themselves more beautiful so
their husbands will desire them. That's because he usually throws in those
little excuses, "If only you weren't so heavy....if only you would lose
weight...if only your breasts weren't so small....if only your body wasn't so
flabby....if only, if only, if only.
Ha, ha, ha. Like changing this will make their husbands
want them sexually more. They soon find out that "enhancing your
appearance" to make yourself more beautiful is an act in futility. Your
husband doesn't want you more beautiful--he wants a man--he is gay.
When you are a
normal woman, years of getting the message that you are 'abnormal"
deprives you of ever knowing who you really are. There won't be much personal
growth or actualizing here because you are too busy trying to get your husband
to love you which means "desire you." You have to learn to accept the
way you want your husband to love you
WILL NEVER HAPPEN BECAUSE HE IS A GAY MAN!
Never mistake "cuddling with you" for
"passion" with you. If it gives you some false illusion that
"cuddling" means loving you, then you are deluding yourself. A
marriage doesn't need cuddling as its primary source of affection. It needs the
passion and desire that that makes you feel like you can climb a mountain or
float on a cloud. A straight man will never just "do it" to make you
happy. He will make you happy because it makes him happy when you are sexually
satisfied. He loves to touch you. Cuddling is secondary--not the primary reason
he wants to touch you. When a man loves you, he wants to "make love"
to you.
I have been with my boyfriend for 19 years and 6 months.
We have a beautiful and regular sex life that is always top of the line even at
our age. As he explains to me, "Making love to you is the best way for me
to express how much I love you." Yep, that is how a straight man thinks.
We are both so in sync with each other because we know what pleases each
other. After nearly two decades, I can tell you that he still works just as
hard to please me because to him IT IS NOT WORK. It's passion that has built
our intimacy to survive those difficult time when sex isn't possible due to
medical issues. The medical issues are never an excuse--they are just a delay
knowing things will be better and we will be fine. That's the difference
between a straight man and a gay man. Straight men want sex with you because
you are a woman--gay men don't want sex with you because you are a woman.
In closing, repeat these words every day:
GAY
MEN DON'T THINK STRAIGHT--GAY MEN DON'T THINK STRAIGHT
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