BONNIE KAYE'S STRAIGHT TALK
Last January, I resumed my weekly podcasts on
Blog Talk Radio. I want to thank the wonderful members of my support group who
have been kind and generous in being a guest on the show—and some of you more
than once. Our women need to hear you to feel inspired and supported in their
own recovery process. I have received some beautiful feedback from women all
over the world about your interviews that is so rewarding to me. Since January,
we have had over 17,200 listens to the show on every continent of this world. You
can listen live to the podcasts on Sunday evenings at 8 p.m. EST or anytime
afterwards at this link: https://www.blogtalkradio.com/bonnielkaye If you would like to
be a guest on my show—anonymously—just drop me a note at Bonkaye@aol.com. We
all need to learn from each other how to balance this life changing experience.
UPCOMING INFORMATION FROM THE NEW STRAIGHT WIVES #3 BOOK
I am in the process of collecting stories for my new
Straight Wives: Shattered Lives III book which I hope to have published this
fall. I have some wonderful stories from some of the women in this support
network, but I would like to have three more if you are interested. You can
email me at Bonkaye@aol.com for
the guidelines.
People wonder why this book is necessary. The last volume,
STSW: 2, was published TEN years
ago. In our changing current society where homosexuality is celebrated rather
than hidden, people can’t conceive that this is still going on. But it is. Gay
men are way ahead of where they were, but many of them are still confused. They
don’t understand why they can still have feelings and attractions to women but
still be gay. It doesn’t equate for them in their late teens, twenties, and
sometime thirties. They can fall in love with a woman, have sexual relations
with her for a number of years, produce children, lead a straight life—so how
can this be gay? Okay, so they find men sexually appealing. But that’s just sex—not
emotions. Sex is not a big deal in marriage after a while, so what’s the
difference. Yes, they think they can go through life like that, but it all
changes later. Those attractions to men intensify in time. Their desire to be
with men sexually is overwhelming, and the need to act on it is their new
reality
Okay, we all know that story. We’ve all lived it in one
form or another. But I have found is that attitudes about this situation from
outside our world have changed, and we need to acknowledge this. In the
introduction to my new book, I state why we need to keep this momentum going.
This is a portion of it for you to read. I lead into it by talking about how I
believe that things are worse for straight wives now in 2020.
So
what’s the “worse” part? That is the part that our straight wives have to
endure when their husbands come out and become the new heroes. Now society sings praises to these men who have the courage
to live their new “authentic lives.” They cheer them on. They feel saddened
over the years of torture they had
to endure by pretending they were “straight men.” They want to pin a big round
badge of COURAGE on their shirts. In the past, women would at least get some
sympathy from their friends and acquaintances. Not now—now our gay husbands are
getting that misplaced sympathy. Society sees them as the victims—rather than
us. That has changed—and it doesn’t help us.
In
the past, we’d get some snickers from people with the usual, “You didn’t know
he was gay when you married him? It’s so obvious,” or “Was he gay when you
married him?” Yes, those were the usual passive-aggressive comments we would
hear as if we had missed the boat. Or they thought maybe we did know—but we
were desperate. Sadly, that’s how ignorance thinks.
But
back then—after the little slap down of accusation, we would be lifted up like
a wine glass with some words of comfort including, “That’s so terrible. How
could he do that to you?” Yep, those words would take away the sting of the
initial slap in the face with a few soothing words.
Well,
I don’t hear those words very much anymore. People don’t sympathize with us—the
true victims of this situation. And that
is what has changed the most. They are so impressed with these gay men who
spent 20, 30, 40, and more years of their lives living their lies with us—their
loving (although confused) wives giving up what these men claim were the “best
years of their lives to their families.” So now that their dues have been paid,
it is time for them treat themselves to authenticity in a world where they
always belonged. Yep, they are the new heroes for their bravery. People applaud
them for staying in their marriages until the children were grown and on their
own.
So,
in other words, these men spent a few decades living a daily lie with their
family. They were gay men playing the role of straight husbands. And yes, I
mean playing a role. Gay men are not straight. They learn to “imitate” the
actions of straight men. They study their body action, walk, arm motions, their
speech, and heterosexual interests the same way that an actor prepares for a
role. They usually have a lot of material to draw from via their family and
friends. I always use the example of the comedian Lily Tomlin who is in the
sitcom Frankie and Grace. Tomlin plays the role of a straight wife who in later
life learns her husband is gay. She plays the role very well—because that’s
what it is—a role. Tomlin is a lesbian who is honest about her sexuality. And
yet, she is also an excellent actress who can portray a straight wife. That is
different than being in a relationship with a partner. Then she would be in the
same position as our gay husbands trying to figure out how not to get caught.
When
most of our husbands were growing up, gay was taboo. Being straight was a
requirement. “Practicing straight” was a daily job—and these guys learned how
to imitate and play the role. In fact in many cases, they went beyond normal
“straight behaviors.” Self-loathing or throwing us off-track often translated
into anti-gay sentiments that these guys dropped in their conversations with
straight people. My ex-husband would mock gay men who were effeminate calling
them insulting names. He wasn’t “that kind of gay” as if it would make him less
gay.
When
people ask our women, “Didn’t you know he was gay when you married him,” the
answer is a resounding NO. How would we know? My gay husband was a kung-Fu
teacher who was tall, handsome, and muscular. Women fell for him fast and easy.
He was the epitome of a macho athlete. Why would gay even enter into my mind?
Gay men wanted men, not women, right? Why would a gay man romance me, claim to
fall in love with me, make love to me (rather have sex with me) and want to
marry me? That’s not what a gay man is supposed to do. But who knew? Not me.
Not us.
This is where I find that times are different
now. It’s a different “feeling” than it used to be. People don’t look at us as
being on the losing side. They listen to these men’s words’ of, “I had a great
marriage for 30 years. They were the happiest years of my life.” They assume
because these men were so “happy,” we, their wives, must have been happy too. Wouldn’t
that make sense? Our exes aren’t complaining about us—they are saying how
wonderful the years were—at least in public. No doubt they were happy years—FOR
THEM. Why not? They controlled the marriage. Most of us were slowly broken down
step by step through emotional and sexual rejection. There was no intimacy for
years or a sense of romance with our husbands. We worked harder and harder
running in circles trying to make the man we loved happy because he never
seemed happy. And although he didn’t blame us all of the time, he did blame us
enough of the time for feeling “TRAPPED.” I love that word in a
marriage—TRAPPED. My ex-husband used it daily. I couldn’t understand why he
felt trapped, but it seems to be a common expression that gay married men use
according to the women who are part of my support network.
They feel trapped because they ARE trapped in
a marriage they don’t belong in—through their own doing. Yes, they trapped
themselves—WE DID NOT TRAP THEM. No one told them they HAD to get married to us
nor did we hold a gun to their head—that was their choice. But once they got
into the marriage, it started unraveling for them. Things started to fall
apart—and MOSTLY in the bedroom. These men believed that marriage would solve
those sexual naggings and attractions to men—but it didn’t. If anything, they
started intensifying within a short amount of time. This is when they start
feeling “trapped.”
Getting back to my initial point, people
assume we were the lucky ones to have such great guys for our husbands—even if
they are gay in the end. After all, they are telling the world about how
wonderful their marriages were. So, people ASSUME we must have been happy too.
After all, if our husbands are saying it was great—why would we feel
differently?
It’s so funny. These men who neglected us in
every possible way and made us feel worthless are now saying publicly what a
wonderful marriage they had. So who comes out the winner here? They do. No one
ever thinks to interview their wives for a reaction. No one has any interest in
finding out how we think.
Truth be told—I haven’t been able to find an
interview with any wife of a famous gay man who came out from a wonderful
marriage. Most likely, it’s because there are none. What was good for these men
wasn’t good for us women. But that’s the point. No one is asking us. They are
assuming we’re fine with everything just because our voices are silent.
There have been numerous actresses who have
been married to gay men through the years. Some of the more famous ones include
Judy Garland, her daughter, Liza Minelli, Amanda Blake, (who died from AIDS
after her gay husband died), Vanessa Redgrave, Charlotte Rae, Angela Lansbury,
Carrie Fisher, and Fran Drescher. I never hear anything negative about their
after-lives together. Heck, Fran Drescher was double dating with her gay
husband and did a television comedy about it.
And that’s the other problem. Our marriages
became comedy series shows on television. Fran Drescher had a show for a couple
of seasons called “Happily Divorced.” She and her husband loved each other so
much they became best friends and double dated on the show. Ha, ha. Very funny.
Well, people thought it was funny because they never lived this nightmare. This
show did more to distort our cause than any progress we made over the years. I
complained to the station with no response. And then there is Frankie and
Grace. Another comedy that is more realistic about older women in long-term
marriages to gay men, but again, it’s a comedy.
When the movie Brokeback Mountain was popular
many years ago, I went to see it. Again, the reviews were rooting for these two
men who had to hide their sexuality. Their wives were portrayed as totally
unsympathetic. One was a passive woman who couldn’t stand up for herself, and
the other was an aggressive bitchy like woman who didn’t care about her husband
being gay. Neither one of these women represents the women I know and have
worked with whose lives were devastated once they found out the truth.
My point is this. Our realities have never
been presented realistically on the big screen or the little screen. We are
either hysterically funny or pathetic women, so no one is looking to acknowledge
our pain. We can be laughed at or minimized which is where we now stand today. As
it wasn’t hard enough to live with this during our marriage with our gay
husbands, now our life is viewed the same way by the public. Uggggh.
Unless we start standing up and yelling our
feelings to people, nothing will change. That’s why our voices must be
heard—whether it is in books or on radio shows. We can only hope that people
will read and learn to understand so we have a fighting chance of being
recognized and understood one day.
Much love,
Bonnie xoxo
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