Gay Husbands, Straight Wives

BONNIE KAYE'S STRAIGHT TALK

 May 2015     Volume 16, Issue 164

A LOVING NOTE TO ALL OF MY STRUGGING MOTHERS FOR MOTHER'S DAY

This is Mother's Day month, and although the holiday has passed, I look at the whole month as ours. For many of you, this was a difficult joyous day.  Difficult because you were thrust into the role of being a single mother--joyous because your children are the most important people in your life. Hopefully you spent a pleasant day without the worries of the daily struggles of single motherhood.

Children are the blessings from our shattered marriages. Almost every woman tells me that if it weren't for her gay husband, she wouldn't have her beautiful children. And that is definitely true. I tell women if they would have had a straight husband, perhaps they would have different children, but hopefully some of them would have had a stable family unit instead of living with the stresses and messes that we as straight mothers have to live with.

I know. That's sour grapes. Sometimes I feel a little jaded. Maybe jealous. Most of my readers know that I lost my two precious children, Jennifer and Jason, when they were 22 and 23. I can't get them back, and I have always regretted not spending enough time with them because I was busy working two or three jobs to keep us floating along. My daughter's life was snuffed out through her heroin addiction; my son died of a rare genetic disease of his immune system that only 800 or so people in this country have. A one in a half-million chance at conception. They both had so many obstacles they tried to overcome, but in the end, they both lost the battle.

I remember the days when I was exhausted. I split from their father when they were two-and-a-half (Jen) and 3 months (Jason). He was angry because I went through his wallet and found evidence of his continuing relationship with a guy. Yes, I played the role of detective on an hourly schedule back in those days. When I found the proof and confronted him, he was so angry at me for going through his "private property." He thought he would teach me a lesson, so he left. He threw $50.00 on the table and walked out.

I was so scared. I was emotionally beaten down from my marriage that I never knew I could be a good mother to my two babies. Balancing that act on practically no financial resources proved to me that I could be resilient. I could make it on my own. Even though I was told over and over by my ex that I would never make it by myself--and I really did believe it through the emotional battering of daily reminders--I gained back a lot of my strength within that first week that I was alone. I actually believed he left for real--not just to teach me a lesson. When my ex returned with a suitcase in hand a week later, I told him he's not coming back. I told him he left--and now he's staying out. He asked me if I was willing to destroy a family. I had the courage to tell him it was already destroyed--by him.

I was determined to have a happy and peaceful life for me and the children. We were poor--we were on welfare for the first three years. I would sneak to college because I only had a GED. I was determined to give the children what they needed to be happy. I lived in a total state of exhaustion between college, working under the table to put food on the table, starting my support group for straight wives, and running to specialists and hospitals until they could diagnose my failing son.

I am telling you my story because I want you to know that as mothers, you can't give up no matter how exhausted and disgusted you feel. Give yourself a "pity party" whenever you need one for the night, but then try to put it aside and come up with a new game plan for the following day. It will never be easy. In most cases, you will have the bulk of the daily responsibilities with your children. Your ex will be the good-time dad for a weekend every now and then, but the real work will mostly fall on you. In most cases, he'll be enjoying his new found freedom to live his new life--and that will be the priority. Once that gets out of his system, sometimes he will come back ready to be a dad again. Usually by that time, you have it all under control. Love to all of our wonderful women and mothers during this special month of May.

MY THOUGHT FOR TODAY - GIVE UP AND WIN!!! 

Many of the women who come to me are so stuck in their lives with their gay husbands. Sometimes they have some proof, but because they haven't walked in on him having a sexual encounter with another man, it's not enough proof. Gay porno? Pop-ups. Craig's List Men for Men? Curiosity. Gay hotlines? Bored. Gay chatrooms? All men have some things in common, and he doesn't have many friends. Caught soliciting in the park and arrested? Mistaken identity. Condoms and sex toys in a hidden black bag? Fantasies.

I admit, sometimes I feel like taking a rubber mallet and using it  to knock some sense into the women who won't believe that the red flags are not waving in their faces but totally blinding their vision and common sense.

Some women are not fighters--they are warriors in the battle of saving or rather "fixing" their gay husbands. Silly women. They just don't get that this broken is not fixable. But it is "fool-able" meaning it is easy to get fooled. They think gay is just about sex. And somehow they equate sex with love. They've been playing Tina Turner's song "What's Love Gotta Do , Gotta Do With It" too many times. These women claim that their husbands would never have a love affair with a man. They save their love for them. (??? Not sure what THAT means.) They think that if they work hard enough at being better wives by being understanding, loving, and somewhat accepting of the indiscretions, which could have been as minimal as self-masturbation in front of another man doing it, then magically those gay feelings and desires will disappear when their husbands realize how important the marriage is. Anyway, masturbating with another guy isn't exactly gay. All men masturbate, don't they? 

Does it matter that another guy was in the room? At least that's what they tell me. Ugh.

Why do some of our women have to keep trying so hard? Why not accept what is and then decide if this is how you want to spend your days--making excuses and living in the same denial your gay husband is living in.

This brings me to my new motto: GIVE UP AND WIN!! You know how some people feel if they quit they are losers? It doesn't always work that way. People cheer for you if you quit smoking. They cheer for you if you quit wasting money and start saving it. They cheer for you when you give up sugar and wheat for a healthier life style. Trust me when I tell you they will cheer for you when you give up your gay husband. And even if they don't, I'll cheer for you--and our women will cheer for you. And most of all--you'll cheer for yourself. Giving up something that is toxic for you is not bad--it's good. You don't lose--you win. You win back your life. You win back your sanity. Most of all, you win back your future. Remember--every day you spend with your gay husband is a day you lose and can never get back. The days turn into months; the months turn into years. Before you know it, you'll be wondering why you didn't do this sooner than later. When you give up chasing this abnormal situation, you'll know you're the winner. Good luck! I'll be there rooting for you! Go, girl, go!

The article below is from three years ago, but it was so powerful, that I decided to repeat it again this month. I hope you will pay close attention to the message.

WHAT IS “LOVE”?

I have some wonderful gay husbands who come to me for help in coming out to their wives. They are caught in a terrible situation because they love their wives—but as time goes on, their homosexuality becomes more defined, and they don’t feel they can stay there much longer without going crazy. I do understand their pain. I really do. I can’t imagine being trapped in a marriage where you thought you wanted to be only to find out it isn’t where you now are in your life, and now your path to the door is cluttered with a wife and children that you keep tripping over. I also can’t imagine how exhausting it must be to live a lie day in and day out either hoping you can remember the lies from one day to the next. Well, actually I can imagine the trapped part of the marriage because our women end up being trapped in our husbands’ webs of deception only to find out that the marriage is doomed. Remember—a gay man can’t be a straight husband, girls.

Most of the time when men come to me for help, they fit into one of these categories:

1. They have met someone and want to get out of their marriage to be with a man.

Yep, I know—it’s selfish—especially when they have been out there cheating with guys for a period of time. But I always say better late than never—at least they are ready to tell their wives the truth.

2. They know that those attractions to men are getting stronger, and they are spending too much time fantasizing about men, going on meet-up sites like Craig’s List or Manhunt, or viewing gay porn and hoping to meet someone in the future. They haven’t acted on their needs in person yet—but they want to. They live from fantasy to fantasy.

3. They haven’t even thought about meeting someone yet, but they know it’s getting more and more difficult to come up with excuses on why they can’t have sexual relations with their wife as a straight husband would. They really love their wives and have a wonderful marriage in every other way. Their wives “seem” happy, so is sex such a big deal anyway? They have no intention of leaving or having a “gay relationships” with a man other than a casual sexual encounter, so why ruin a good thing. After all, they LOVE their wives and families—and they are NOT gay. Right?

I have several men who have been writing to me for a couple of years. They truly love their wives and cannot bear the thought of “hurting” them over this. If they tell their wives the truth, they will never be able to handle it. Or they may very well hate their husbands for revealing this secret and ask them to leave. How would they ever survive without their family? They mean more to them than anything in the world. And anyway, in every other way they are excellent providers, companions, and fathers. Why destroy their happiness?

Right?

Wrong.

I am sorry, but I am just not buying into this anymore. My patience is really diminishing and I’m taking a harsher “tough love” stance. Maybe it’s because I’m getting older and don’t have as much time in front of me as I had in back of me to be patient.

Here’s what I am thinking. A gay man states he loves you and could never destroy your happiness. Although in theory that sounds nice, I don’t understand it. Does a gay man honestly believe that sexual rejection doesn’t count in a marriage? Does he think that sleeping in the same bed without any kind of intimacy that comes from making love means that you, his loving wife, are happy? Does he think that because he’s happy not having sexual relations with you that you are happy not having them with him? Does he realize that not day goes by without your wondering what is wrong with YOU because he doesn’t want to touch you in a loving way or make love to you?

 Yes, some of these men are REALLY NICE MEN. They are not like some of the others who are sitting home and berating their wives out of frustration or feeling like they are “prisoners” of a war—namely the “straight” war of daily internal struggle where gay men think that their marriage is like in a POW camp and wanting to escape from you, their captor guard.  These are good guys who THINK they are doing the right thing. But guess what? They aren’t—and here’s why.

Every woman who is married to a gay man KNOWS that something is wrong in her marriage. Every day she feels like SHE is the failure because her husband can’t stand the thought of touching her and looks to make dozens of excuses until she stops asking. Every day she doubts herself and her ability to be a worthy woman because you can’t make her feel like one. “I love you” sounds nice, but we all heard that growing up from our fathers and brothers. We didn’t want to marry a father or a brother. We wanted to marry a man who could be a husband in the true sense of the word HUSBAND. This equates into LOVER. 

That equates into MAKING LOVE WITH PASSION AND FOREPLAY. Guys, do you realize that your wives are pretending as much as you are? They are. You are pretending to be a straight husband, and they are pretending to be a happy straight wife because they love you so much and hold themselves responsible for your being unhappy when it comes to the bedroom. Trust me--they are ripped apart inside from your “LOVE.”

I learned long ago that the word “Love” can be as bad as any of those other horrible four- letter words that are vulgar. I don’t want someone to love and cherish me by making me feel ugly and unworthy of sexual love. Every day you think you are protecting your wives in the name of “love,” you are really killing a piece of them instead. 

This is a letter I wrote last week to one of these nice men after several years of his writing to me about feeling so torn in his marriage because he loves his wife so much:

After much dwelling on your words of how much you love your wife, I realize that you couldn't possibly love her that much if you aren't telling her the truth. Every woman who is married to a gay man knows there is something wrong in her marriage. Every day she feels like a failure because her husband doesn't want her, and in fact, feels repelled about making love to her. How do you feel justified in making her feel like a failure if you really love her? Is it because you really love her or you are afraid more for yourself? When you married her, you promised to love and cherish her. Is living with your secret a way of doing this? I don't think so.

You've told me that you are afraid of how she'll handle it when she finds out. Guess what? At this point, does it matter? If she screams, yells, hits you, threatens you, does it really matter? Or does it count more that you are going to finally explain to her why all these years of lack of intimacy and sex can AT LAST make sense and she can stop blaming herself?

Please….just do it. And do it fast. Make time to talk to her alone. Tell her you've gone for help and therapy to see how you can change these feelings and you now know you can't. 

You love her--but you are gay. She is not to blame. She did not fail as a wife. You failed as a straight man because you are a gay man no matter how much you didn't want to be one.

Please do the right thing. Every day, a piece of your wife dies because you are forcing her to live your lie by not telling her why your marriage is failing. If you love her, prove it--to yourself--and to her.