TIME TO GET BACK ON TRACK
Yaaaay!!! The Horrorday Season is officially over, and now it's time for many of us to find ourselves back on track. While traditionalist believe that New Years is the time for renewed strength and resolve, I always feel as if life begins again for our straight wives on February 15th each year because we have survived all of the visual and audio images that create internal pain being hurled at us everywhere we look. We are on "love overload" meaning constant reminders are in our faces of what we wanted to have, thought we had, realize we don't have, and what we can't do about it. I remember every year following my divorce a sense of emotional heaviness would leave me when I reached February 15th--the day after Valentine's Day. It was like a celebration of "what I don't have to keep watching over and over that feels like a stabbing knife from my heart to my gut."
Here's the funny thing. I could fill your head with dozens of positive affirmations telling you that love is not just about your soulmate who you are pining for--it's about loving everyone else as well--children, parents, siblings, friends--and of course, most importantly--yourself. But who am I kidding? When your heart is breaking because your life feels as if it is collapsing because your gay husband doesn't want you, all of those cute little sayings start sounding very trite and. Little be it for me to say, "You shouldn't let it bother you." If you're living it, you will be bothered. Even if you stopped living it recently, it will also bother you. And for many years to come, it can still be very painful. No one can tell you how long Gay Husband Recovery will take. It's different for all of us.
I will tell you that I know many of our women who do eventually find the happiness that they deserve. It doesn't come easy--but it does come. You have read the stories from some of them in these newsletters. And there are many more that I know about--including me. I found love again because I wanted to. I was determined to find my real soulmate. And yes, it took time--a lot of time. But I was patient and he appeared one day nearly 24 years ago. I am still madly in love with this man even as we age!
I also know other women who have found the peace of mind and love of life without a man. They just didn't feel the need to be in a relationship after their marriages--which is fine too! They are happy, lead fulfilling lives, and surround themselves with loving friends and family.
There is not right or wrong way to chase your future. No one can tell you what is "best" for you. You have to find your own way in your own time. But for now--we are safe from the Horrordays--for at least nine months. Go enjoy!!
THE ISSUE OF CONTROL
One of the issues that women discuss the most with me is the controlling ways of their gay husbands not only while they are in a relationship, but long after the marriage is over. It seems that this is one of the main reasons why some women seem to linger so much longer in their marriages and feel so trapped. Most of them have husbands who are extremely controlling.
There are a number of reasons why men are controlling in straight relationships. Jealousy is a big factor; fear of abandonment can be another. There are those men who control because they lost control somewhere along the way in their own life or they don't want to be controlled by anyone. Regardless of the reason, it's not a good thing.
But when gay husbands are controlling, it is for another reason. This is my theory, of course, but I think it makes a lot of sense. When your husband marries you, in almost all cases he believes that he will be able to make those gay urges go away. He really believes that if he loves you enough, those thoughts will vanish, and he will no longer have those nagging male attractions. He is fighting not to be gay, and he really believes that if he falls for a wonderful woman, he won't be gay.
In the beginning of the marriage, that can happen for a while. In most cases, he is really trying with everything he has to make you happy as his wife. Maybe there are some issues in the bedroom, but in the beginning, it's do-able. He can close his eyes and remember how wonderful it is to have a wife who will bless him with children and all of the perks that go along with living straight. That in itself is a turn-on even if your body isn't exactly comfortable for him.
As time passes, he can still do it. Sometimes. Now when he closes his eyes he has to think about other things. The wife and children story just isn't making his manhood swell with pride anymore. Now he has to try a different tactic--namely fantasizing that you are a man. He is not lusting over your body; in fact, there are parts of it that kind of repulse him. But he can do some things where he doesn't have to actually see your face and allow him to pretend it's not you who is there and staring up at him. That can really help. At least for a while.
It's just a matter of time before a verbal line of excuses begin or verbal attacks about why you are turning him off start. We know the rest of that story, don't we?
So now is where the control part comes in. Your husband has to deal with the fact that he is your GAY husband. In his head, heart, and penis, he knows that he wants a man and you are not going to suffice. You are already complaining. You are already trying to seduce him with sexy nightgowns and romantic evenings. All you keep thinking about is sex. Why do you want it so much? Why do you keep making overtures and suggestions? It is making him very uncomfortable.
He also knows that it is just a matter of time before you figure it out. And once you figure it out, you might start telling other people about your sex life together--or lack of it--and asking if this happens to them. And when enough of your friends tell you that something is wrong--you will have confirmation. And once you get that confirmation, those questions in your mind will become accusations. It's only a matter of time before the "G" word creeps into the conversation. He better get the "B" word ready just in case in order to keep you more confused but hopeful. On a side note, remember that the word Bisexual = Hope, at least until we get educated!
Once your gay husband's secret becomes this vulnerable, it's time for him to take action. Action in this case means controlling the environment around him--namely you. You see, he has no control over his sexuality. He tried--but he failed. In order from having his life as a straight man blown away by your discovering the truth, he will make sure to do everything he can so you never have the chance to start spreading the "seeds of doubt." He has to formulate a new strategy which ends up being CONTROL.
He has it figured out--start isolating you from family and friends, and then they won't be able to be there to support you which could lead to the demise of the marriage and his secret. Step one is isolation. Many of our hiding gay husbands will make it almost impossible for you to do anything except take care of them and your children. It is not unusual to make a move to distance you from people who are familiar. He will question your schedule, who you are talking to, what you are talking about, and make you feel as if you are spending too much time talking to other people. .
Part of this isolation strategy begins by criticizing you and using passive aggressive behavior. In other words, if you are doing everything he wants you to do, you get praise. If you are not doing it the way he wants it done, you get criticized or knocked down. It's like training you the same way we train babies--good behavior is rewarded by loving thoughts; bad behavior is punishable. Only you aren't a baby. You're an adult with feelings and emotions. Those "normal" feelings are constantly being challenged to make you start doubting yourself or "performing" in a more suitable way to suit your husband.
I remember during my marriage to my gay husband that my support system would start to disappear one person at a time. He made it extremely unpleasant anytime someone would visit us. He didn't like the support I received from my family, so he acted out every time someone would visit. He would look to pick a fight or find fault with my friends and family. It got to the point that people didn't want to come over because it wasn't very comfortable to be in the middle of an argument and have to choose sides. The house became a chaotic, crazy mess that was totally unwelcoming to others. Eventually, I had no support team. I became totally under his control.
I didn't like screaming and yelling. As I said have stated before, my ex would "shout me down to shut me up." When I tried to stand up for myself, he used cruelty in his verbal attacks on me that made me feel extremely worthless. Little innuendos became caustic accusations whenever I tried to stand up for myself. So I stopped trying. I gave in and submitted.
If people called me, he would accuse me of trying to turn them against him. He would add, "Why don't you tell them how I always have to do the things you are supposed to be doing and don't do?" He made me question not only my ability as a wife, but also as a mother. I don't know if I would have ever found the strength to leave this man whose strength over powered mine. In fact, I no longer had the guts to do anything more than fantasize about freedom from the mess by thinking criminal thoughts.
Another common strategy our husbands use to future their control is blaming us for the problems that are prevalent in our marriages. One common way to do this is to attack what is most valuable to us--namely our feminine spirit. As women, we are instilled with love for those around us, especially our life partners. We fall for them and keep hoping that man we fell in love with will reappear when things start to slide downhill. Some of us feel sorry for our husbands believing that they are suffering so much more than we are from ghosts of their pasts like unstable home lives and abuse. When they were busy "hooking" us to love them, they were able to recognize that soft spot within us that wanted to rescue them from their past hurts. After all, love was the cure for everything, wasn't it? Well, I was taught it was. As a ridiculous romantic, I believed that any problems would "straighten themselves out" with an extra touch of love and understanding.
Sadly, that kindness is perceived as "weakness" by these men who see they can turn the tables on you by making you feel to blame for the failure in the bedroom. This is where your feminine spirit starts to deteriorate and disappear. He claims that your lackluster sex life is because your body lacks shape, you're too small breasted to get a real man excited, you smell in your feminine places, or how can he kiss you when your breath stinks? Why are you blaming him? Look at yourself and you'll figure it out. Only we don't figure it out. We don't even figure out that the problem isn't us--it's him. Lacking this kind of confidence is another method of control. It's controlling you in the bedroom in case you want to keep asking for that crazy thing called "sex."
The saddest stories I hear are from our women who can't cope with the daily mental pain and emotional abuse, so they escape to the bottle or either alcohol or mind numbing pills. It's so much easier when you don't have to think about it at all. I know that drugs and alcohol are a major problem within the gay community due to the difficulty of gay people having to deal with homophobia and self-acceptance. But has anyone ever done a survey with straight wives to see how many of our women turn to drugs and alcohol due to our unhappiness and failure to cope? Is our suffering any less than our gay husbands' suffering? Sadly, your newly acquired numbness is now used as another reason for your gay husband to turn you into the problem in the marriage. He's not doing this--you are. He keeps reminding you that you have to take the responsibility for numbing yourself--not him. It's just one more way for his tight control of the situation. And the best part of all--no one is going to believe anything you say. He'll keep reminding you that people don't like to listen to drunks and addicts.
Getting back to my original point, whenever you live in a marriage where there is too much taking and not enough giving by your partner, you can never find the happiness that all of us were destined for. I will never believe that wonderful women were meant to be tested to see how loyal they could be to a man who could never function as a real husband to her. Who would ever set up such a test?
Bottom line--once the control begins, it is rare for it to ever end. If you don't want to live your life to be the cover and protection for a man who wants to live a lie, do whatever you have to do to find support. No, it's never easy--but it's so worth it. TAKE BACK YOUR LIFE!!!!