BONNIE KAYE'S STRAIGHT TALK NEWSLETTER - NOVEMBER 2016

BONNIE KAYE'S STRAIGHT TALK

November 2016     Volume 17, Issue 180

A TRIBUTE TO MY DECEASED DEAR STRAIGHT WIFE SISTER

I apologize for missing the October newsletter several weeks ago. I was in the middle of writing it when I received a crushing blow. A close friend from my SWC support group died of a heart attack and died at the age of 73. This put me into a very depressed state for the week so much so that I was unable to concentrate on much of anything—including my radio show.

She was an active member of my Straight Wives Club. She first wrote to me for support four years ago at the age of 69. She told me that after nearly 40 years of marriage, she came across her husband’s homosexual secret. She desperately needed support and asked me for help. Through that help, I developed a wonderful friendship with a lady who was filled with humor and hope.

She joined my online support group and tried to show love and compassion to every woman who became part of the group. She kept us laughing, and she found the friendship and camaraderie that only Straight Wives can understand. Although I rarely work with women who are staying in marriages, she had a special set of circumstances that all of us overlooked. None of our members judged. Forty years living in self-doubt and lowering of self-worth was good enough for all of us to make her a member of our group.

She informed me several days before her death that she had obtained an apartment and was ready to leave her gay husband. She had found numerous emails from him and his young lover that she could no longer bear any longer. She was done. Finished. She said that peace of mind was the peace she desperately wanted and could never have living with a blatant liar.

Sadly, her day of moving never got here. She died unexpectedly. Even though she never had her life of physical freedom, she was at least emotionally free—which is half the battle.

This woman inspired all of us because she suffered with her tragedy with humor. No matter how horrible her life was, she continually posted funny and uplifting memes for our group to enjoy. In fact, this month’s memes that I am sharing at the end were posted by her in our support group.

She was such a big piece of so many of our hearts. She always offered her help and support no matter how much she was hurting. She inspired us with her determination at an age where many would just accept life for what it was. She could no longer do that. She wanted her freedom regardless of her age. She felt 40 years of being told about her inadequacies was long enough. 40 years for being blamed for not being “attractive enough, smart enough, or desirable enough was more than enough for her. Thankfully she lived long enough to find out the truth.

Her first correspondence to me in 2012 stated that “the shock, disgust, and extreme hurt was like a raw open and gaping wound.” Over the years, she was able to find the validation she needed—that we all need—through our love and support. And we always knew that as long as she could make us laugh daily, she was doing fine.

We will miss you so much, dear friend. Ironically, this next article was inspired by her when we spoke last month about her emotional pain. She asked if I could address it. I hope her request will help some of you.

HOW DO YOU MEASURE THE VALUE OF EMOTIONAL PAIN?

In the past, I have spoken about the need for appropriate “healing time” following a marriage to a gay man. I have stated why these marriages are different than other marriages because of the unique set of problems that we face that others don’t.

All divorces are painful. Almost no one throws a party when a marriage ends. Even bad marriages that need to break up are difficult to end because of the emotional impact of ending years of time together. We go into a marriage with the intention of spending a lifetime with someone, and when that fails, so do many of our hopes, dreams and plans.

But these marriages are not like those of straight people whose lives get caught up with the normal stresses of life such as job pressures or health issues. This is not about two people falling out of love or growing in different directions. This is about a gay man marrying a straight woman where the husband is falling out of love with “straight,” As much as he tried to love it, he couldn’t—especially when it came to his “husbandly duty” job of making love to you—his beloved wife. Maybe he liked the perks of straight society’s acceptance, but the bottom line is he was longing to be snuggling up to a man—not a woman. He may love you, but not in that way—although he did try. But as I always tell these men, “You can’t fool Mother Nature no matter how much you want to.”

So after a few years of sexual distancing and finding 50 ways to say “NO” to you—while blaming you for his lack of interest—he begins to look at you as a “sexual predator” There is nothing worse than feeling that the man who claims to love you doesn’t want to be intimate with you. Oh sure, he might hug you or hold you, but that’s it. Don’t ask for more because you’re not going to get it.

To side track for a moment—a gay man wrote to me several weeks ago for conversation, I guess. He told me that gay men can live in a straight marriage because he was doing it—and had done it—for 30 years. He loves his wife deeply, and she loves him. He never cheated on her in all of her years together. I thought that was incredible. But he said he took his marriage vows very seriously. Quite admirable I thought. Then I asked him about his sex life with her—and of course he told me that he hadn’t had one with his wife in many years because he didn’t want her in that way. He tried to explain to me that they were both very happy. She had been a victim of sexual abuse growing up, so having a non-sexual aggressive person was fine with her. She just wanted someone to “love” her and take care of her—which he was doing. She had approached him the past and asked him if he was gay, but he denied it. 

He claimed that their three children and grandchild was all of the pleasure he needed. He told me, “Sexual attraction is just one component of a happy life; I did not deny myself any happiness by choosing to be faithful to the wonderful woman I married and love. Yes when I walk down the street my eyes are drawn more to other men who I find attractive, but I know when I get home I have someone I love and who loves me waiting for me.”

I then asked if he felt so secure in the marriage why he couldn’t tell his wife the truth. Maybe she was wondering why all of these years she didn’t appeal to him as a woman. Maybe having a “best friend” wasn’t the same as wondering why she wasn’t his best lover as well. He wrote this to me:

“We both feel lucky to have each other and I don't want to give her any doubts that I love her now, that I loved her when I married her, or any point in between. Yes I know that secrets can hurt people, but some secrets being shared can do more harm than good.”

I do have a problem with this. Maybe it’s me, but I don’t think so. This guy is obviously happy and does not want to “rock the boat, baby.” Well, at least he did tell he doesn’t want to “rock the boat.” I asked him why he would feel that way if he was so sure it wouldn’t matter to her. That’s when he told me about the shared secrets doing more harm than good. 

If you could send me your thoughts to share with others on this topic, I will be happy to keep your name anonymous or just use your first name. Tell me if you would feel better if you didn’t know the reason for your husband’s sexual and emotional rejection.

Of course, a gay man doesn’t think ‘STRAIGHT,” and therefore just doesn’t get it. I don’t care how he justifies it:

1.     My wife is happy that we love each other.

2.     My wife was abused when she was younger and doesn’t care about sex.

3.     My wife would only be more hurt if she knew the truth.

4.     My wife’s world would be torn apart, so why should I tell her?

5.     Lots of straight couples stop having sex after a number of years.

6.     There’s much more to love than sex.

7.     Sex takes up the least amount of time in a relationship.

8.     Women don’t care about sex.

9.     Women are more interested in being held and made to feel secure.

10.  It’s not the quantity or how much as opposed to the quality.

I’ve heard all of these reasons dozens of time from so many of the men who come to me seeking a miracle. The miracle they are looking for is a way to tell their wives so that they wives won’t be “too” upset or want “too” much from them during the divorce settlement. 

They also don’t want the “grieving” ordeal to take “too” long. Surely I must know a way to “fast track” the situation because they think that I can perform miracles. Boy, are they mad when I tell them I don’t have a magic wand to perform that kind of magic. There is no way your wife is not going to be upset—and there is no way that you are going to fast-forward your grief in a few weeks or months.

Of course, be aware that most men come to me when they are already “in love” with their true gay partner. They don’t want to come home anymore—well, not to their marital home that is. They want to go home to their new mate that you have no idea about. Oh—he’s not going to tell you about “him” either. What would be the sense? That would even hurt you so much more. Remember—some secrets shared can do more harm than good. See, even I learn something new at this late date of my life!

Getting back to my original thoughts—about emotional pain. Now I know that straight marriages certainly have their fair share of problems—but they are problems based on the truth of the situation. Our marriages are based on dishonesty and deceit from the beginning. A gay man knows on some level that he is gay or has male attractions before he marries you. This doesn’t start at a later time in life. The thoughts may have been suppressed or minimized, but they were always there. And that’s not to say that a gay man can’t be attracted to a woman in his younger years. The mind is a powerful tool. When you want something badly enough (to be straight), and you meet someone who you believe can enhance your life like no one else can (that wonderful straight girl with so many qualities), it’s easy to believe that love will conquer all—especially those nasty male attractions that your husbands don’t want to have. I really do understand why they marry us—and I really do believe in almost all cases they love us as much as they can. But heck, it’s not the love we need in the long run.

In the beginning it seems like it is. Yes, they love holding our hands, rubbing our hair, holding us when we lay down like an oversized security blanket. They’ll tell us that they love us and how they can’t or don’t want to live without us, and for some of us who never had real love before, it sounds so good—and it even feels good. But when that subject of sex comes up, you know there is something that isn’t quite right.

Almost all gay husbands had sex with us at one time. We can attest to that from the children we produced. But how many times have women told me they knew the exact date the children were “conceived”? Many. And that’s the really sad part. The fact that women can give me the date they conceived—seriously—is certainly an indication that there is a bigger problem than they realized. Women with straight husbands may have all kinds of problems, but knowing the date they conceived isn’t one of them for sure.

Some straight wives do everything they can to convince themselves that what they are going through is normal—until they realize that it is abnormal. Look, we read enough books and watch enough movies to know that men want sex. And when our husbands don’t want it or use it as ammunition against us as a way to insult us (you put on too much weight…you don’t want to do anything a little kinky (like wear a strap-on)….you always want me to be the aggressor…you have a bad body odor down there….), you just stop asking or suggesting.

Men don’t realize how much sexual rejection hurts. I could never imagine telling my husband or partner that I don’t want sex because his penis is too little. What do you think that would do to his self-worth? What if you kept telling him that he was too boring in bed? He didn’t have good technique or rhythm? His breath or body had a bad odor? Do you think he would feel good about himself? Better yet, what if your gay husband’s lover told him these messages? How good would he feel?

These are hurts that dig deep. The problem is they are built on lies—not truths. Where a straight man might find you to be the best lover in the world, your gay husband finds you to be the biggest annoyance in his “straight” existence.  How do these men think they can justify telling the women who love them so much and devote their loving moments and thoughts to them that sex is not that big a deal in a marriage and expect them to buy into that? Even if you have had a traumatic emotional sexual past through abuse, sexual rejection just adds to that trauma. It doesn’t necessarily make you feel better about yourself. I have had women in our network tell me that it makes them feel more like “damaged goods” than they ever felt. But these men can’t see it. It’s not that they don’t want to see it—but they are gay men who don’t think or understand straight women.

Sexual rejection permeates every aspect of our lives. Many gay husbands “gaslight” or what I call “gaylight” our women into thinking they are crazy or imagining something. Usually the only thing you are imagining—at least in the beginning—is that he is having an affair with another woman. And why wouldn’t you imagine that? You know that men want sex, and if he’s not having it with you, he must be having it with some other woman. Well, that’s one less thing you have to worry about—but you don’t know that because you have no reason to think that a gay man married you. So your self-doubt starts building up.

Some of these men are outright cruel. They will start making you doubt yourself with everything. This could include your ability to be a good mother or be a good employee. Everything here is up for grabs to divert you from the real truth of your doubting him. He doesn’t care about your sanity, your emotional well-being, your sexual needs, or your happiness as long as his secret is protected. And with this all—you still love him. Chances are you internalize the problem believing it is you who has the problem rather than face the reality of your marriage crumbling apart. Even a bad marriage is a marriage. And by this time, he has you in a state of co-dependency on him. He has you believing that:

1.    No one will ever “love” you as much as he does.

2.    No one will put up with you looking the way you do (too fat, too thin, etc.)

3.    No one wants a sex maniac that only thinks about sex all of the time.

4.    No one wants someone so pushy all of the time.

5.    No one will want to take a woman with children.

6.    Everyone will think you’re crazy.

7.    Everyone will say how stupid you were to give up a great guy like him.

8.    Everyone will blame you for breaking up a family, especially the kids.

9.    No one will help you when you’re on your own.

10. Repeat number 1—No one will ever “love” you as much as he does.

Let me tell you about number 1, 10, and 20, and 30 …and every time he repeats that line how no one will ever “love” you as much as he does. This is when L- O – V – E becomes nothing more than another vulgar 4-letter word. We lose total sight of the fact that LOVE IS KIND. It’s not brought about by being NEEDY and CO-DEPENDENT, but rather through actions and nurturing. We are like flowers—we need to blossom and grow. When we are stomped on instead of nurtured, we never reach the potential we were meant for. We are living in “survival” mode which means emotionally we are being drowned. How do you grow when you can barely breathe? And that keeps you as a codependent, heartbroken wife.

Unraveling yourself from this emotional damage takes time. You don’t just “get over it” when you can’t figure out what “it” even is. Some of you don’t have husbands or ex-husbands who will ever tell you the truth. They will just keep blaming you for the problems in your marriage. Many of you will continue to believe this until you find a voice of reason and sanity—like mine. I will tell you the truth. I will reassure you that the problems in your marriage have absolutely NOTHING to do with you, And they don’t. No matter how perfect you are—it’s never perfect enough for a gay man. You need to stop trying. You need to stop thinking there is a chance he will change. Oh…he will change. But it will always be for the worse because he doesn’t really want to be there.

The damage straight wives endure takes so much longer to recover from because it is so much more complicated than straight couples. Many of you need help to move ahead. I am so, so lucky to have a professional network of coaches and therapists that can help you get past your past and swing into a healthier future.

I have lots of support. All you have to do is ask. As the holiday seasons with all of their craziness sits closely in front of us, don’t feel funny asking for extra support. As you know, we get by with a little help from our friends—and our straight sisters.

The holidays are a crazy time of year. You can easily feel yourself falling down, down, down during any part of your healing. If you are looking for some professional help, I have some wonderful therapists and coaches who are part of my network. These are people who understand straight wives. They feel your pain—and in fact most of them have been there themselves.

My gal pal Patsy Rae Dawson is a Christian coach. For those of you who are struggling with the religious aspect of divorce, please see her website. She will help you with the scriptures to show you why you don’t have to feel obligated to stay in a destructive marriage. Here is her website:

http://patsyraedawson.com/coaching/christian-divorce-coaching/

Suzette Vearnon is an incredible life coach. You can hear her every month on my computer radio show “Straight Wives Talk Show.” She can really teach you how to move on to your next part of life leaving behind those ugly messages that you have been fed for years. You can visit her site at: www.coachsuzette.com. Suzette will be my co-hostess this Sunday night on my radio show. Here is the link:

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/bonnielkaye/2016/11/07/bonnie-kayes-straight-wives-talk-show-with-co-hostess-suzette-vearnon

You can listen to these shows live at 9 p.m. EST or any time after the broadcast.

Trust me, no woman has to be alone at this time in her life, even if she feels like it. Remember, I am only a click away!!! Ask for help—I will make sure you get it.