BONNIE KAYE'S STRAIGHT TALK - SEPTEMBER 2015

BONNIE KAYE'S STRAIGHT TALK

October 2015     Volume 16, Issue 169

STARTER RELATIONSHIPS

Trust me. I really understand.  Some of you were married to your gay husband for 10, 20, 30 or even 40 or more years. It was a lifetime of hurt, sexual rejection, and de-feminization. And now it's behind you and you want to move into your next phase:

MAKING UP FOR LOST TIME

Sadly, this is where so many of our women get hurt over and over again. They are finally free and want to recapture their days of youth when they were in love. Part of it is a need because of the loss of physical touch--some of it is validation--and yet another part is wanting to feel wanted after being rejected for so long.

When your marriage breaks up, part of you is BROKEN. Men sense this. It's something in the way you look or talk. They know you are needy--and they are hoping that the neediness will help them in their conquests to get you into the bedroom.

Many of us end up right there. It's a night or two of romance that rocks our world. Remember, most of us have been celibate for years. The sexual encounters with our gay husbands were not very fulfilling. Some women have only had one sexual partner--their gay husbands--and don't really know how glorious "real sex" can be.

The problem is we are women who love. And we expect our new sexual straight men to fall in love with us as we are with them so we can live happily ever after. It rarely happens. Here are some basic things to think about:

Some of you have been away from dating for a long, long time. You aren't even sure how to date. Some of you never even dated because you married your childhood sweetheart when you for 18 or 19. That's how I was when I wandered back into the arena of wolves 24 years ago. I was prime for the picking by every odd ball in the dating world. My heart didn't open up for 11 years after my divorce because I had to heal and wanted to raise my children on my own. I was so busy fixing myself with college, graduate school, support groups, single momhood and exhaustion--that I didn't really care. I was single and happy. But one day that changed. I wanted to love and be loved again. We didn't have computer dating back then, but we had other things such as telephone datelines and classified ads.

I was never much of a dater. It seemed I met men, fell for them quickly, and married them. I didn't really know how to date. I learned, but I also learned a hard lesson. There are a lot of game players and sickos out there.

Men knew I was vulnerable like most of us are after these marriages. The can sense it and smell it like a shark smells a body in the water. My heart was broken a number of times during that first year because when I like someone, I fall too hard. But as I tell our women--you have to practice, practice, practice until your soulmate comes along. There are bumps and even mountains along the way, but you can't give up on love if you want to spend your life with someone who is right for you.

The reality is that most men by the time they are 50+ are well developed in their thoughts and actions. They are not very flexible as far as change. They, too, will come with plenty of their own baggage just from the natural progression through life. Very few people escape that. That's why you can't ignore red flags that are waiving at you. These won't be red gay flags, but they will be other kinds of red predatory flags. And yes, we all have baggage, but the goal is to meet someone you can share life with--not take care of his life. We've all done that the first time--and we don't want to do it anymore.

Learn from the beginning that if it isn't working for you in the short run, it just won't be working for you in the long run. Cut your losses early and MOVE ON. There are millions of men out there.  Take your time and learn from each dating experience. View it as a learning adventure in what you want and what you don't want. I also believe that "starter relationships" have value because you need to start somewhere, but chances are your first romance post-marriage won't be your last or you best. But you learn some very valuable lessons:

1. You can have feelings for another man--feelings of desire and love that you thought    had died.

2. You can learn the glory of passionate love-making with the right straight man.

Both of these lessons are positives if you learn from them.

Bottom Line: In future relationships, expect more and never settle. Learn to love yourself enough during your recovery that you'll never allow another man to injure you again. And most importantly--have some fun on that road of hope. That means keep practicing--but do it safely!