ABOUT MY CHRISTIAN WIVES...
In our group, I am so fortunate to have some wonderful Christian women who are willing to reach out to other Christian women in turmoil and pain when they learn that their husbands' homosexuality isn't leaving no matter how hard they are both praying.
It's not that I don't feel "qualified" to discuss this situation with women who come to me who are feel so conflicted by their Christian values--it's more because I don't feel that I have "credibility" to speak to them about Christian issues because I am Jewish.
I have been working with our women and men for over 30 years. I have learned a lot--and I mean a lot when it comes to the importance of the marriage vows as the reason why Christian women remain in these "mis-marriages," or mistake of a marriage. And let's be clear--a straight/gay marriage is a mistake.
In my book "The Gay Husband Checklist for Women Who Wonder," I wrote a chapter about the prototype of the women that gay men seek out as wives either consciously or unconsciously. In most cases, it was not done with ill intent--it is done with great hope and desire for the man NOT TO BE GAY. For those gay men who can perform or who think or "pray" they can perform sex with a woman, finding a good Christian woman who is filled with heartfelt love and understanding is a good bet. In fact, a good Christian woman who has held on to her Christian values--which means not having sex with a man before marriage--is an even better bet. Look, if you've never "done it" before, you really don't know the difference between good sex and bad sex. And when their hopes fade because making love to you is much more repulsive in time than not, these guys can really talk you into the purpose of sex is for the sake of procreating children--not for enjoyment. And if you think it is--you are a "slut" or "nymphomaniac." They will come up with all kinds of scriptural proof by distorting the words in the Bible.
On a side note, my friend Patsy Rae Dawson, a Christian marriage counselor, will show you a whole other side of the scriptures. You can visit her website at www.Patsyraedawson.com where she has lots of free articles you can read now including "God Loves Passionate Sex" and "Christians Make the Best Lovers." And she'll show you every single reference in the Bible to back her up!! And check out her wonderful books and order one while you're there!
Getting back to my point. I've listened to all of my Christian friends in my hope of learning how to approach this situation where logic can outdo twisted perceptions. This is what I have concluded:
1. Jesus is a God of love. He wants people to be happy--not to suffer.
2. Part of being happy is being loved. In a marriage it means being loved as a husband should love a wife which includes a sexually fulfilling relationship.
3. If your husband is gay, then it is fine to break the marriage vows because they are fraudulent. They weren't made with the honest facts. Even if your husband didn't acknowledge his homosexuality, he always knew he was "different" and thought about men throughout the years. Was he honest about that when he met you?
4. Even if he was honest with you about desires in the past, he and you both believed they were in the past--not in the present and the future.
5. Bottom line--he's gay. When you are a Christian, you believe that God is against homosexuality. Therefore, why would God want you to stay with someone that he doesn't accept? The marriage would be considered void.
As several of my Christian women told me:
You entered into a marriage under false pretenses because he wasn't being honest about who he was to himself and especially to you and God. This was a marriage based on fraud which according to the church would be void. Marrying under false pretenses does not mean you are bound to a contract.
Instead of spending years waiting for a miracle that won't be coming your way, save your life and be happy the way the God intended it to be. He knows that people make mistakes because they are only human--and you can be sure He is happy when these mistakes get fixed.
THE "STRAIGHT- GAY MEN HUSBANDS
At my last healing weekend, several of the women told me that they can't "prove" their husbands are gay, but they believe they are. I tell women to trust their instincts. Women who think their husbands are having affairs with other women write to Dear Abby. Women who think their husbands are cheating with men contact "Dear Bonnie."
What is so confusing about the category I have written about below is that these men will never deal with the truth as it is. They will "gaylight" you to make you think YOU ARE CRAZY for even having a thought about their being gay.
I wrote this article in 2002. It really explains the situation in clear terms. Many of my early writings talked about issues such as this. I have them published in a book called "Bonnie Kaye's Straight Talk--A Collection of Her Best Newsletters About Gay Husbands." Here is a direct link you can cut an paste into your browser, or you can get the link on my cover page at www.gayhusbands.com by clicking into the book..
My best writings are in this book because they cover the first seven years of my newsletters which explains so much to women. It can be purchased in eBook or soft book. It really will help your recovery journey.
I hope this will explain things to you:
I have coined a new term for another classification of gay husbands. It is “Straight- Gay Husbands.” I hope you like it. It is my new reference to gay men who are permanently living the straight life, sort of like wolves in sheep’s clothing. They are the husbands who will not acknowledge their homosexuality privately or publicly--ever. Some of them know that you know, but try to confuse you enough to put enough doubt in your mind to make you think that you are the crazy one. It’s the best defense to your “offensive” questions. These are the men that shut you up or shut you down the moment you think about making mention of the possibility of homosexuality. They know what they are, and they know what you suspect, but keep your mouth shut because they don’t want to hear about it--especially from you.
These men are different than the gay husbands that admit they are gay/bisexual but promise not to act on those needs while they remain married to you. (Like we really believe that story!) They are also different than the gay husbands who are leading very secret lives and not leaving a trail of crumbs for you to follow. They are not even quite like the Limbo Men I have described who are caught in between two worlds. These are men who are definitely not stuck. They are identifying strictly as straight. There is no way they are entering the gay world through the front or back door, or even through the closet. They detest the gay world and what it stands for which gives them even greater reassurance, at least to themselves, that they are not gay.
The Straight-Gay Men are the ones who have to remain in total control of all of their physical motions lest someone should suspect they are not quite as straight as they claim. It’s funny how many women tell me how their husbands’ physical appearances, gestures, and movements change once they come out. I can’t even fathom how difficult it must be to have to go through life calculating every breath and step you take. It’s sort of like walking down a sidewalk and having to make sure that you “don’t step on a crack or you’ll break your mother’s back” as the game use to say. My balance and coordination never let me win that game.
These husbands are quick to use you and the children as their proof that they are not gay to the outside world just in case they let their guard down and anyone might accuse them of the “unthinkable.” They honestly don’t identify as gay even though they have sex with men. They don’t get themselves involved emotionally with men, just sexually. That helps them justify the fact that they are straight, not gay.
Some women can’t understand this. If you look like a duck, walk like a duck, act like a duck, but have sex with a goose, are you still a duck or are you a goose? I say you’re a goose. I don’t care what you act like to the outside world; I only look at who satisfies you sexually. And if you’re a duck making love to a goose, your feathers have to ruffle in a different direction when you stand up and straighten them out. But this does make things that much more confusing and complicated. So, to simplify your confusion, let me say this—STRAIGHT MEN DON’T HAVE GAY SEX. You can call it whatever makes you feel better, but I still call it gay—all the way.
Women who live with Straight-Gay Men and Limbo Men are often the most commonly emotionally abused women. They would have to be. Their husbands are truly living in a complex world that makes little or any sense. They are living unfilled lives because they don’t have any emotional connections. They don’t connect emotionally with their wives because they aren’t really straight. They don’t connect emotionally with men because they refuse to be gay. And so they function but don’t connect. This lack of emotional connection creates a sense of insensitivity when it comes to your feelings and your emotions.
It also closes them up as human beings. They are unable to connect with a wife because they are living an internal--and what seems like an eternal--lie. This lie keeps overtaking any sense of good feelings towards the person whom they believe is responsible for this state of living—namely you. Now we know it is ridiculous to think that you should be their reason for living this lie, but subconsciously, this is how they feel.
As much as they love to have you as their “cover” is as much as they hate to have you sharing their bodies under their covers. They resent your nagging demands for sexual intimacy because it “isn’t their thing.” It’s your thing. And why do you have to try to make them feel inadequate just because they are? Even when you stop asking for it, you are still thinking about it and they can tell. It means they have to come up with a continuous string of stories to account for their lack of sexual behavior with you. This puts pressure on these guys who feel you are being unreasonable. Why do you have to make such a big deal out of sex?
They feel that in all other ways, they are ideal husbands. They are there raising the family with you. They are helping to support your financial needs or at least sharing in them. They are taking part in the social activities that you have decided are important. They are doing lots for you—and how do you show your appreciation? By badgering them with little innuendos and questioning looks. This really shows a lack of appreciation on your part and so they get pissed.
The Straight-Gay Men think they are Supermen. And to a degree, they are. They juggle, manipulate, calculate, and carefully plan out all of their actions. It takes a lot of energy to do this, and they marvel at their ability to pull it off. It gives them an air of smugness that shows in their personality. I’m not quite sure what they think they’re pulling off because they know that you are doubtful of their explanations. There are only so many headaches, backaches, depressions, and side effects from medication that you can keep relying on. But they feel confident if they use these excuses enough, you’ll give up. Most women do. As I’ve said before numerous times, no woman wants to feel like she has to beg her husband to make love to her. It’s degrading and demeaning. We get the hint after enough sexual rejection and stop asking. But it doesn’t mean that we stop thinking—and wanting.
Every time we see other couples holding and caressing lovingly together, this is a reminder. It’s a reminder of what we thought we should have had but never were able to achieve. It’s a reminder of what our hopes and dreams were for married life when we took that life-altering step and said, “I do.” We are momentarily reminded of what marriage was supposed to be, but never became. And this sadness shows in our faces, in our eyes, and in our hearts. When our husbands glimpse at us, they know what we are thinking. They know what we are wishing. They know that the words they don’t want to hear may possibly be coming out of our mouths at any moment. Rather than take a chance and have to come up with one more excuse, they find some way to knock us down and put us back into the non-assertive mental state that they so easily know how to do.
We are women who have been conditioned. Remember, Straight-Gay Men remain in the marriages indefinitely and have years to erode your sense of self-worth. They are not going anywhere, and they want to make sure that you feel inadequate enough so that you won’t go anywhere either. I don’t know who could have taught these men about the facts of life and marriage, but obviously, they weren’t listening or didn’t have a teacher. Didn’t anyone ever tell them that sex is part of marriage? Didn’t they ever hear that intimacy grows from making love to the person who loves you? Do they really believe that they can sit for years in a marriage and overlook that little detail? Yes, they do. And we become their silent partners because we have been silenced on the issue of sex.
The irony is that even if you leave these men, as some women do, they will remarry again. Yes, they will remarry another woman. They will still do their occasional gay sex thing to satisfy their sexual need, but that goes with the territory. It is amazing to me how these men can live such a delusional existence until the day they die. And they will drag other women into their web of deceit. The next victim (and men who do this more than once are victimizers) will fall for it just like you did—but even better. Your Straight-Gay Husband has a track record. He will still use you as his shield by telling his next conquest that he was married before, ergo, he is straight. And the woman who is in a subsequent marriage with this man has no reason to question his sexuality at all. He married before; he’s marrying again. Chances are his next wife will feel even more inadequate than you feel. He’ll make sure to tell her that the two of you never had problems in the bedroom before. And if she does meet you, she’ll be too embarrassed to ask you the truth. And you’ll probably keep protecting him.
So if you are in a long-term marriage to a Straight-Gay Man, don’t plan on things ever getting better. There may be temporary second honeymoon periods, only to prove to you once again that you are crazy for even suspecting there is something wrong with your wonder man. But it’s guaranteed that things will resort back to the “normal” pattern of digs, harsh words, and put-downs. Count on it. Then decide if this is the most that you want out of life because as long as you are in this marriage, this is all you can expect.
The Straight Gay Men are able to separate their need for sexual dabbling with a man from their “straight lives” as straight husbands. I do tell our women that as long as you allow your husband to live in his “compartmentalized closet,” he will remain there forever. The fact that you remain in the marriage to him allows him to justify even more that he is straight—especially in his own mind. After all, his wife isn’t going anywhere, right? This convinces him even more.
So if your happiness is waiting for a confession that won’t be coming, do yourself a favor and stop waiting for it. Take control of your life and GET OUT before you allow yourself to totally lose who you are. Remember—if your husband can’t admit he is gay to himself, he will never admit it to you. In his own warped sense of reality, he is a straight man.