Wednesday, November 23, 2016


July 2015     Volume 16, Issue 166


We know that a marriage to /divorce from a gay husband presents problems that are unique to us that traditional divorces don't face. One of my most unpleasant tasks is to tell women that they must get tested for sexually transmitted diseases. This isn't always easy.

Women who contact me in their early days of discovery seem to have a common theme. They write to say that they believe there could be a problem in their marriage.....they don't know quite how to say it....but possibly, their husbands are having curiosity about.....well...male sex. Of course--they reassure me--that maybe it is just their (the wife's) "imagination running away with them," to quote a song. So we go through the usual back and forth questions such as:

          Me: Why would you think that your husband might be gay?

          Woman: Sometimes I see some suspicious things going on at home.

          Me: Like what?

          Woman: Like gay porno popping up on the computer....strange calls in the middle of the husband unaccountable at various times during the week....our shared passwords that are now private from me...his lack of interest in sex....etc., etc., etc.

You all know the story. You've been there....done that or are doing that....had those same conversations with me or read enough about them in my newsletters.

I often wonder how we of such little faith in our husbands' sexuality can have such powerful faith that these behaviors are nothing more than random thoughts or temporary moments of mid-life insanity even when we know they are going on.

How many women have told me with great conviction and insistence that their husbands would NEVER act on it--NEVER. Or at least they haven't acted on it yet.

And guess what? It's not wishful thinking. They truly believe this. Impossible. Can't be. How many women have told me that they know there is no chance that this has ever happened because they are tied to their husbands 24 hours a day and know every move their husbands are making?

Boy, do they get mad at me when I break the news to them that it only takes 30 seconds in a men's room while they are at dinner for this to happen. Of course I try to break it gently to them by asking my 24 hour guards if they go to the bathroom with their husbands first before I break the news to them.

After 14 years of these newsletters and lots of books with YOUR stories of how this is really the truth, I still have the sad job at least once or twice a day of having this same discussion with new women. And please don't misunderstand what I am about to say--I KNOW HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO FACE THIS TRUTH. No matter how many years ago my marriage ended, the memories will always remain. And in my case, they may be remaining longer than usual because of listening to new stories every day.

As soon as I can get a woman to concede that this is the problem plaguing her marriage, the next thing I do is tell her to get TESTED for STD's. They respond with:

          Woman:  Why would I do that? My husband isn't cheating on me.

          Me:  Well, just in case....maybe in the past (trying to be gentle)

          Woman:  No way. Besides, we only have sex a few times a year.

          Me: Is it protected sex?

          Woman: No--I wouldn't want him to think I DON'T TRUST HIM.

Yes, I do feel like screaming when a woman tells me this even after I reveal the startling statistics just based on your responses of the diseases nearly 20% of my support network are left with as a long-term reminder of the marriage.

This is my major motivating reason of why I want to share these letters with you. I felt if you heard this from a gay man who experienced first-hand what I am telling you, maybe you'll learn to accept it sooner than later or never and do the right thing for YOU. 
Back in April, I received an email from a man whom I will not identify to keep his privacy. Here is what it said:

I was sitting in my office on a somewhat quiet (rare in my office) afternoon and was poking around Google. I am not sure what I put in as a search but I found your site. I have been reading it for the last hour and was wondering if there was any way that I could contribute to helping the people that are involved with these married men that live a seemingly straight life.

Now I will tell you about me.....

I am a gay man, have been gay my whole life and am comfortable with myself and the fact that everyone in my life and family have always known. I grew up in New England and for whatever reason, was never made to feel ashamed of my sexuality so I feel like I must have grown up almost as normal as they come. Now, please understand that I have my own set of issues but that is not the reason I am sending you this e-mail. I am sending it because I want to know if there is a way that I can assist you or your organization.

You see, for whatever reason, I seem to be a "divining rod" for gay men trapped in a married body or whatever you want to call it. I cannot tell you how many times I have been in my local grocery store and a guy has followed me around or out to the car. It happens all the time. Many times I have invited these men to my home for sex. Some of them have become regulars. They are all married.

I live in a medium sized town in (withholding city name) and it is fairly progressive and pretty open but there is still a bit of the "good old boy" network that prevails.

The men that come to me are in all cases VERY handsome and well groomed. Most workout regularly and two of them are very muscular with perfect bodies. They are all completely on the down low and require complete discretion. I enjoy the time I spend with them and they enjoy what they get during their visit.

I have often thought about creating a website to expose these guys but, like I said, small town here and I am not the type that makes waves. I feel like I have a story to tell but do not know where to begin. While I find these guys nice and easy to talk to, they are also very selfish and arrogant and seem to be able to compartmentalize their behavior to justify their actions. Only one guy, gets so guilty after sex he actually starts crying. Another man, cannot speak to me after he is finished and simply puts his clothes back on and leaves without one word.

I tell all the single women that I know that they need to be careful because I cannot believe that there are so many guys who like to play both side of the fence.

Like I said, I have a story to tell and I wish there was a way that their unsuspecting wives could be told. Your website is incredible and the passion you have about this subject is wonderful. I love what you say about the penis being the line in the sand. I applaud you!

I wrote back to this man and asked him to send me more information. I responded:

On one hand, you're asking how you can help. On the other hand, you're telling me that you are sleeping with married men. I guess it is somewhat of a interesting concept. So since you were so thoughtful in asking how you could help, I'll tell you how I think you can best do this.

Maybe you could write something for me to share with the women who come to me who aren't sure about their husbands because after all--they are married to them and don't want to believe the worst.  Maybe as "the other man" who is sleeping with their husbands, hearing from you would be helpful and powerful.

He responded:

Based on what I have seen in my area, most of the married guys use Craig's List to set up their meetings. I have seen a recent shift to GRINDR but most of the guys there are still gay and honestly, seems like only want to play games and talk.

I have a new regular buddy that I have had over a couple times. He is 35, married, has a couple kids and lives pretty close to me. He really wants me to f..k him bareback (without condoms), which is something I will not do. But this got me thinking about the whole bareback/safe sex thing.

If I was to do a survey of the married guys that I have met, I would say that MOST of them would prefer that I have sex with them without a condom. It always comes up and I am not sure why they would entertain such risk. Could it be a self-loathing? I have never been able to figure it out. There does not seem to be anything tied to education (or lack of), since most of the guys are highly educated and seem to have high end lives and careers. It baffles me that someone would risk bringing something home.

I know that I have had guys that stopped seeing me after I was absolute about the practice of safe sex. I am just curious, have any of the women in your group reported being infected with something as a result of the husband's behavior? It is something that amazes me and it leaves me wondering what is going on in the guy's head that would make him want to do something so foolish.

Some might think it twisted but I these men are for the most part very nice. However there is an underlying selfishness about them. They are getting what they want so they are fine and it amazes me how easily they can compartmentalize this behavior.

I shared this correspondence with you because it is dangerous to you, the straight wife, to live in your husband's denial. Although you want to feel that giant sense of relief when he tells you how he would never cheat on you because he loves you, it takes you down a dark road--especially if you had or continue to have unprotected sex with him.

Too many of our women were left with the life-time stigma of an STD or more than one ranging from HIV/AIDS, herpes, gonorrhea, syphilis, or the HPV virus. Some women will be on medication for the rest of their lives due to the carelessness of their gay husbands. Every time a woman writes to me to tell me this is her story, it makes me so sad thinking about the daily reminder she will have for the rest of her life.

Sadly, some of these men look their wives straight in the face and ask them whom they've been cheating with--blaming their innocent wives. Men who do that are shameful and lack a conscience--but some of your husbands are like that. Blame--you get it!

If you suspect that your husband has attractions to men, grab the red flag hanging over your eyes and PUSH IT AWAY. Look at the situation and get yourself TESTED. It's a simple test that is very common place today. No shame--no embarrassment.  Put your mind at ease. 

And if there are results you were fearful of--the sooner the better to get the help you need for a healthier life.

No comments:

Post a Comment