BONNIE KAYE'S STRAIGHT TALK
August 2015 Volume 16,
Issue 167
DRY GAY HUSBANDS
On my radio show in July with my monthly last weekend
co-host, Dr. Brian Hooper, a new thought suddenly dawned on me. Some of you are
married to gay men whom I will call "DRY
GAY HUSBANDS." This is a term
that I have adopted from the AA group which defines a person who is not
drinking but acting out in the same way as a "Dry Drunk."
According to an article on the Internet, "The
term dry drunk is believed to originate from 12 Step recovery
groups. It is used to describe those who no longer drink alcohol but in many
ways behave like they were still in the midst of addiction. The dry drunk may
be full of resentment and anger. Instead of finding joy in their life away from
alcohol, they can act as if they were serving a prison sentence. The only
change this person has made is to stop drinking, but in other respects their
life remains the same. Friends and family can complain that the dry drunk is
almost as hard to be around as they were when drinking. In Alcoholics
Anonymous, they describe it as a person that hasn’t touched alcohol in years,
but have not yet managed to get sober."
The article continues to say, "The individual has a low
tolerance for stress. They easily get upset if things are not going
their way. Such an individual can suffer from loneliness and lack of interest in
activities to fill their time.
Denial can be as big a problem for the dry drunk as it can be for
the practicing addict. The individual may refuse to see that their life in
recovery needs to change. Due to this denial they
may continue to live a miserable life in recovery indefinitely. Recovery is not
as satisfying as they expected and they will feel cheated because of that.:
There are some similarities here to
the men I now call "Dry Gay Husband." These are gay married men
living with you who believe they are making the grand sacrifice for their
families by staying with you. They aren't necessarily out there cheating, but
they are fantasizing, watching gay porno, or masturbating--actually anything
that isn't directly cheating on you. Oh yes--they still aren't having sex with
you. Look, if he has to suffer and sacrifice his sexual happiness, why
shouldn't you?
Some of you have told me that your dry gay husbands refuse to admit they
are gay. Trust me--they are not doing this to "gaylight" you--they
are doing it because they don't believe they are gay. Here is how their math
goes:
Watching gay porno + fantasizing about sex with a man +
rejecting wife = STRAIGHT!!!
How could they possibly be gay if they
are not doing the deed? By why aren't they
doing it?
Just as the article says about
alcoholics, the same remains to be true for gay men in "recovery."
They are staying in their marriages out of a sense of shame. They don't want
people to know they "could be" gay. Maybe if you weren't there
holding the tightened leash around their necks, they'd be responding to the ads
on Craig's List. Maybe they would want to stay anonymous and answer ads on
Grindr, the gay phone app where you put down your location and everyone within
minutes who wants to "hook up" with a stranger answers. Maybe he
would be satisfying those normal gay urges for gay men if he had the time to
deal with his sexuality--but he doesn't. You have him on the "short
leash" making him feel he can't do it.
Two good lessons can be learned from
this. Let's compare.
First, the dry drunk.
The dry drunk may be full of resentment and anger. Instead
of finding joy in their life away from alcohol, they can act as if they were
serving a prison sentence. The only change this person has made is to stop
drinking, but in other respects their life remains the same.
Let's compare the dry gay husband:
The dry gay is full of resentment and anger. He doesn't
feel joy in leading a straight family life, and he acts like he is living a
prison sentence. I remember my ex often saying to me, "I feel
trapped." I didn't understand the meaning of those words. "Trapped
how?" I used to ask him. It made me feel as if he didn't want to be with
me. I never forced him to do anything he didn't want--and in fact--did most of
the things he wanted to do. But he still felt trapped. I didn't understand it
back then because I didn't understand gay back then. Now I do. I really do
understand. When a gay man is living a straight life, he does feel trapped
because he is living a life that isn't his to live. He can't be honest about it
out of "fear" (#1 greatest reason why they don't tell you),
"shame" (#2 reason why they
won't tell you," or "love" (they love you too much to tell you).
So instead, they will blame you for their unhappiness (after all, they are
sacrificing their happiness for you), blame you for their failures (you are
never supportive enough), blame you for the lack of passion in the bedroom (you
are always thinking about sex--can't you give a guy a break?), and blame you
for any other unhappiness they are experiencing that has NOTHING TO DO WITH
YOU. They are gay men misplaced in a straight marriage. That's the only
problem.
Oh, to sidetrack for just a
moment--here is something I really hate. I hate when these dry gay husbands fall out of "recovery" and back into the
gay world and meet someone. That's usually when I'll hear from the several
hundred men who write to me or call me each year for help. They tell me how
hard they tried for so long to be a good husband and a good dad.
They tell me
most of those gay attractions they may have previously had were gone. And then
one day--out of nowhere, a man comes into their lives and all of those doubts
disappear. They finally feel whole again. They now know what they've been
missing. And--they can accept the fact that they are gay.
Then they ask me what's the best way
to tell you--the wife. The only strategy I know how to work with is the truth.
Not, "I'm thinking that there might be something different about me,"
or "I'm think about it sometimes, but then the feeling goes away. I tell
them: "NO!!! No false hope." I
don't believe in dragging this out one day longer giving you a bigger chance to
live in bigger denial by being a "better wife." No, not me. Almost
all of the time I can get men to be honest--at least about being gay. But here
is what I really hate. When a man says to me,
"Why do I have to tell
her?" and I say, "Because it's the right thing to do," and he
comes out with, "OUR MARRIAGE WOULD HAVE ENDED IN DIVORCE ANYWAY.
"Why?" I ask.
SHE WAS MUCH TOO...PUSHY, DEMANDING,
SUSPICIOUS, OVERBEARING,
NON-SUPPORTIVE...SEXUAL...NON-SEXUAL..OVERWEIGHT...UNDERWEIGHT...
AND HE EXPECTS ME TO BELIEVE IT BECAUSE HE WANTS
TO BELIEVE IT!!!!
In other words, if you would have
looked or acted better, he wouldn't be gay. UGHHHHH.
That's when I have to slap some
reality into them, but they don't want to hear me.
Anyway, getting back to the second
point about the dry alcoholic:
Recovery is not as satisfying as they expected and they
will feel cheated because of that.:
Translation for the dry gay husband who is still living with
you:
Living the straight life is not as satisfying as they hoped
and they feel cheated because of that. Oh yes they do. Here is a typical statement
from this kind of gay husband:
"I stayed with my wife for 22
years until the children were grown. I did the right thing by my family. Now
it's time for me to do the right thing for me because I've been cheated out of
the best years of my life. Look what i sacrificed."
The majority of these men may have
stayed--but was it really the right thing? For those 22 years, how many times
did his wife wonder where she was going wrong in the marriage? Why didn't her
husband want to touch her anymore? Why did he always get so angry with her? Why
couldn't she ever make him happy for any period of time? Why did he accuse her
of all the problems she created in the marriage when she didn't mean things in
the way he misinterpreted them? And now he's going to blame you because you
were too suspicious...needy...possessive...jealous... Oh yes, jealous. How
could you not be jealous knowing your husband would rather masturbate than
touch you? I say PLEAZZZZZZZZE!!!!
Yes, there are a lot of z's!!!
I know that breaking up is scary and
very hard to do. Been there, done that. However, living with someone who is so
emotionally out of touch with you and verbally or even sometimes physically
abusive is no way to live either. Living without human touch or emotional
connections bring you down--they never lift you up. Don't tell me that you buy
into your husband's words of, "Well, most couples stop having sex
eventually." But after two or three years of marriage when you are in your
30's? I don't think so--unless they are gay. And straight couples have years of
sexual enjoyment to remember. You don't.
Some of you really feel stuck. If you
need support or help in getting "unstuck," then write to me at
Bonkaye@aol.com. You can't save a marriage to a gay man--even the ones where he
isn't cheating in person. Face the fact he is not the man for you--and there
will never be a right woman for him.
There is no "break-up to
make-up" as the song goes. Even when he comes running back to you after a
few months with new promises of good behavior and love after his first
boyfriend breaks up with him, he is just running scared after someone broke his
heart just like he broke yours. Don't be lulled into that blanket of false
security because as fast as you wrap it around you is as fast as he will yank
it from you--and he will. Break up--and don't make up.
If you do, I promise you
he will be a dry gay husband and only make you miserable and blame you for
keeping him down. Been there and done that too!
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