This article is reprinted from my September 2011 newsletter. If you would like to be on my monthly mailing list, just email me and Bonkaye@aol.com and request it. Remember my mantra--Life was never meant to be this complicated. Period.
Say it ten times a day until you believe it! Life will get better. Promise.
GAY HUSBANDS SAY THE “DARNDEST THINGS”!
In the thousands of letters for help or support I receive each year, at least half of them are from women who HAVE NO PROOF. They have a gut feeling, but they don’t trust it. That’s because their sense of reality has been “slip slidin’ away” from the chaos and confusion their husbands have been putting them through. Most of these guys are one step ahead of you, and even when you catch up or get one step in front of them, they find a way to trip you up so you slide back again. It’s not easy always having to be one step ahead of someone who is trying to “gaylight” you.
Even after a woman does get a partial admission such as, “I am just looking at pictures—I would never act on it,” or “I’m just comparing myself to other men to see how I ‘stack up’.” Even though there is half a sigh of relief when you hear these ridiculous explanations--which I guess is better than none--you still feel out of sorts. Once the doubt is there, you can only stay in “ostrich mode” for so long. You can keep your head buried, but sooner or later when the next picture of pornography pops up on the computer, you have a harder time burying your head in the sand deeper than it already is.
For those of you who just can’t seem to get the proof you need that your husband is gay, I decided to request information from my online support group members asking them to share with us the excuses their husbands would give them for not making love to them in a meaningful way on a regular basis. I thought maybe if you could connect with some of these reasons, you would have that long awaited “ah hah” moment to put you on the right track.
So, with a slight drum roll, here are some of the top 50 excuses our women sent me:
1. I turn him off because I ask for it. By the way, I only ask maybe once a month.
2. All you think about is sex.
3. He says it’s not a perfect world, and I can’t have everything.
4. He hates the smell of a woman.
5. He took medication so he can’t have sex with me.
6. He was busy and he wasn’t having sex with me.
7. He is too tired.
8. I asked him if he wanted oral sex, but he said he wasn’t in the mood.
9. I came home from work early to surprise him thinking we might have sex, but he said, “Don’t ever come home without calling first ever again!”
10. He told me I was a nymphomaniac.
11. When I kissed his neck and his said ear, he said, “Stop, that makes me sick, I don’t like that!
12. He told me if I would stick around, I might get it.
13. Said he just took a shower ...he can’t have sex now.
14. His back hurts.
15. He’s too busy.
16. He doesn’t like sex at night.
17. I’m too mean.
18. I’m too fat.
19. He’s too tired.
20. I’m too pushy.
21. “If you would clean up the house, I would”
22. “You know watching you cook and clean turns me on.”
23. You’re too big.
24. You want it too much.
25. He compared my body to other women and told me what he liked about them better...if you had bigger nipples, etc.
26. You look too much like a Rick James.
27. “It” is too worn out...you use that vibrator too much.
28. You wait until it’s too late.
29. It's too early.
30. "It's broke" was his favorite line.
31. When I would ask for a hug he's say "nah, I don't feel like it right now."
32. Give me time, and it will come back to me. Those were two lines I heard forever.
33. "We are not sexual creatures": His favorite mantra for the last years of our marriage.
34. "I have a urinary infection": Used this excuse the last years of our marriage.
35. "Too tired, got to get up early and go to work. I have a real job:” He said this one a lot, especially during the last years of the marriage.
36. "I no longer find you attractive," said 6 weeks after our second and last child was born (1996). I begged him to make love to me. He stated, "No. I no longer find you attractive." I swore I would never beg for sex again. After our son was born, we had sex once every 3 years.
37. "You stink." Said this the night our son was conceived. I was starting foreplay. He stopped me and said, "You stink" and then turned his back to me. I quietly cried myself to sleep. I was suddenly awakened when he forcefully whipped my body around so I was on my back. He forced himself in me. It lasted less than a minute. All our sexual encounters lasted about a minute or two and they all ended with him turning his back to me. He never brought me to an orgasm. He never cuddled or held me as we slept.
38. "Our daughter will hear us and I don't want to wake her." He said this a few times early in the marriage.
39. "I'm sea sick." Our Honeymoon. He did not make love to me until the end of our honeymoon.
40. "Going down to the bar to hang out with the guys. Be right back." He said this on our wedding night. I was shocked that he would leave his bride and cried myself to sleep. He did not come right back, and I did not go looking for him. His stall tactic worked. We did not make love on our wedding night.
41. Having sex with you is “boring.” You don’t do anything exciting.
42. All people slow down with sex after they are married for a while.
43. You don’t have enough experience in bed to satisfy me.
44. You have terrible breath, so I can’t stand to kiss you.
45. You are too flat-chested.
46. You need to have a breast reduction.
47. Your body is sagging.
48. You aren’t willing to use toys with me.
49. You don’t have a good sexual technique and you can’t learn that.
50. You don’t know how to please a man.
If you have some other excuses that your husbands have given you over the years, please share them with me in this newsletter or write a note for my blog which you can access on my website at www.gayhusbands.com. Let’s give women some signs of what they need to be looking for so they won’t have to wonder any more.
A special thanks to all of my online support group members who were kind enough to share this with me and our readers!