Sunday, February 14, 2021



FEBRUARY 2021     Volume 21, Issue 209

Bonnie’s Mantra:


Bonnie Podcasts:


I am excited to announce our new collaboration book has recently been released. Straight Wives: Shattered Lives Volume 3 tells the stories of women from around the world who are part of my support network. They share their stories of the effects that their marriages had on their lives. The proceeds from all of my books help to sponsor my healing weekends and website. You can purchase your copy at or all other retailers. The book is available in paperback or kindle.

The cover was designed by my friend Heather Pettersen, a wonderful artist in Mississippi. It truly depicts the reality of our situations. The proceeds from all of my books help to sponsor my healing weekends and website. You can purchase your copy at or all other retailers. The book is available in paperback or kindle.


The cover of our new book reminds me of a topic that I would like to talk about. Often, our husbands have told us that they married us having no idea they were gay. They swear they loved us when they married us and found themselves attracted to us. They built a life with us, and in some cases, they really were our best friends. Okay, in almost all of our cases, the sex started dwindling with a short amount of time, but hey—you were both busy with work, raising children, buying a house, buying cars, going on vacations, etc. etc. etc. And of course—ALL COUPLES SEE THEIR SEX LIFE DIMINISH OVER TIME—DON’T THEY?

I have worked with over 3,000 gay married men over the last 38 years. They come for me seeking advice and help. To be clear--they don’t come to me for advice before they get married, but rather when they are ready to get un-married—from you. They ask me for help on how to move out of the marriage in the way that will be least detrimental to you—and of course, to them.

In the early years of conversations I had, I always used to ask the same question. But now I stopped asking if they knew they were gay before marriage because every one of them said, “NO—there was no way for me to know that.” At first I thought they were really lying to me, but then I realized they were being honest. They didn’t believe they were gay because they fell in love with you and married you. They couldn’t be gay.

Most of the women in this support network are 40 and older. Back in the 1970’s in this country, gay men did NOT want to be gay. In the 1980’s with the onslaught of AIDS, they DEFINITELY did NOT want to be gay. Even a hint of “gay” could destroy their reputation and families. Those who came from religious backgrounds were told quite clearly, “Gay is a choice. Put those ‘evil’ thoughts out of your head because you will go to hell.”

There were those awful stereotypes of gay men who were swishy in walk and lisping in talk. Some gays you just knew like Paul Lynde and Charles Nelson Reiley or they would see straight actors like Milton Berle dress up in a dress swishing his way across the stage. That is what they thought GAY was. What they processed was gay was “evil, depraved, and perverted.” They weren’t like those stereotypes that were labeled as “gay.” All they had to do was fall in love with a woman and those feelings would disappear for good. Or so they were told by their families, religious leaders, and anyone else they ran across and hinted about their attractions. And some of them were able to perform sex with women in their younger years which REALLY fooled them and gave them hope.

Enter kind and loving women like us. What did we know about gay? Oh, we did know some things—specifically GAY men wanted to be with GAY men. No one ever mentioned to us that gay men would be looking for women to marry, have children with, and then cheat on us until they were ready to leave—if ever. See, back in the 70’s and 80’s, your gay husband could be miserable living with you—but he wasn’t going anywhere. By the mid-80’s when gay could equate to a death sentence due to AIDS, no one was running around saying he was proud and gay. That was a definite no-no. These loveless marriages truly believed in the vow, “Till death do we part,” and that day-to-day death was killing both the wife through rejection and the husband through deception (living his daily lie).

People think I’m sympathetic to the gay husbands who marry you. In a minimal way, I am. They were the victims of our society that forced them to lead a life of torture. And yes, I even give them a pass on not knowing they were gay when they married you in almost all of the cases. Yes, they knew they had “male attractions,” but they were promised that those desires would fade after marriage. Why not take a chance?

Okay, I’ve heard that story several thousand times, and I get it. I really do. But that’s about all I get. I don’t get the fact that these men who are supposed to love and cherish us treat us like the enemy and look to trip us up and “gaylight” us on a daily basis. I don’t get it that they are cheating with men on a regular basis, bringing homes STD’s from their sexual encounters but blaming you for infecting them with STD’s. I don’t get it that they find fault with you in everything you do no matter how great it is because it is easier than accepting blame for their lack of being heterosexual and married to you. Yep, there are lots of things I don’t get—and after nearly 40 years of trying to learn and study this, I still don’t understand.

In our new book of Straight Wives Shattered Lives Volume 3, women tell the stories of how these marriages gutted them emotionally, sexually, and even physically. As with all of your stories in this series, it is painful to think about the collective years of abuse that we have suffered as straight wives. I think back to 20 years ago when I met a woman, Ella, from New England who made me cry. She told me the story of the man she fell in love with twenty years earlier. He was such a sweetheart. They had fun doing everything from dancing to going to movies to playing board games. She was so thrilled that she met her soulmate, and two years later when he asked her to get married, she was so happy to say yes and plan the wedding she had always dreamed of. Throughout the two years of dating, there was no sexual activity beyond hugging and kissing, but both of them came from a Christian background, so this was not a problem. Ella said she would be happy to wait until after marriage to make love—as it should be.

The wedding took place six months later on a beautiful spring day. The couple had over 100 people there to wish them good luck on their future. They quickly exited for their honeymoon in Mexico at a beautiful resort. Their first night together was spent hugging in bed—but nothing more. For the rest of the honeymoon, there was always an excuse: a headache, a backache, an earache, and exhaustion. But he would hold her close, stroke her hair, call her beautiful, and say that he loved her.

When they returned home, her husband told her that he had to have a talk with her. He seemed nervous and edgy. Ella had a moment of total fright wondering what kind of bad news he was about to reveal—because she knew it would be bad news from the way he was acting. He told Ella that his worse nightmare had come true. She panicked thinking maybe it was some catastrophic medical problem like cancer. When he said no, it was nothing life threatening, she breathed a sigh of relief. She could handle ANYTHING else after that.

He went on to say that he had never been intimate with a woman before. He had always had problems getting an erection even if he was excited by a woman. He had been to doctors who had tried various medications with him, but nothing worked. He was going to now go back to the doctor to see what he could do, but in the meantime, no sex. He begged her to stay with him and promised to love her in every other way. What kind, loving woman would say no to that? After all, in her wedding vows she did say for better or worse, in sickness and in health. Okay, this was sickness. She wasn’t about to give up her wonderful husband and dreams of her future for sickness.

Her husband went to doctors over the next year every month looking for a “penis cure.” They still slept close and near together—but a peck on the face was the extent of their physical contact. After a year of no luck, he told his wife the doctors diagnosed him as “asexual.” This was back in to the late 1980’s and early  1990’s when so little was known about sexuality. People could title themselves anything and people of innocence or good faith just believed it—especially when you loved someone. Ella decided that she loved her husband enough to stay with him even though she remained a virgin. After all, love and marriage was about so much more than sexuality, and she didn’t want the man she loved to feel worse than he already did. She did EVERYTHING to build up his confidence as a man, especially when he begged her to stay with him even though he couldn’t perform like a man.

Fast forward twenty years later. Yes, it had been a decent marriage. Her husband was kind to her in many ways. He was a good worker, he bought them a beautiful house, they had friends and family to celebrate holidays with, and she learned to mute her desires as a woman through the no choice plan. She told herself sex was something people stopped doing after a while anyway, so what’s the big deal?

So now Ella’s husband buys a computer. He claimed that he really needed it for work because his job was being more technological. She was amazed at how much of her husband’s time was consumed by that computer. Ella used a computer at her job as well, but when the day was over, she was done. She couldn’t imagine why her husband had to work all day and now be on the computer at least four hours each evening.

One day, when Ella was off from work, she went to her husband’s office in the house and walked over to his computer. Yes, she was curious about his activity for hours each night. He had made it clear that the office was his PRIVATE room for work, and that she was not to go in there. On the screen she saw the picture of a young man—no more than 20 years old. Oh…let me add a young NAKED man. She was computer literate enough to know how to search his files. She was shocked. There were pictures of over 150 young guys. She searched his email for his correspondence with some of these men and after the first five or six, she ran out of the room to vomit.

Her husband wasn’t asexual—he was GAY sexual. He had lied to her for over 20 years about his life. When he came home, she was ready to confront him. She had seen enough and she knew the truth. Of course he was speechless. He began crying swearing he wasn’t gay. He swore that even if he had urges, he never acted on it. But she had the proof…and just like that, the marriage was over. She called me so depressed because she felt she gave her life away for nothing. All of those years she questioned herself as a woman and why she couldn’t turn her husband on. And although the at least took the responsibility for being “asexual,” she still felt it was her fault for not being sexy enough…pretty enough…appealing enough…oh, we all know the “enough” feelings, don’t we? Which leads to my next message.


When I lived with my gay husband, Valentine’s Day never ceased to disappoint me. What I was looking for was a romantic, loving evening filled with words of promise and…some sex. Well, romance with my gay husband was an oxymoron now just saying it…but not knowing it for the first few years made me wonder where I WAS GOING WRONG. My gay husband kept insisting that once you get married, you don’t need to make such a big deal about it. A card, a box of chocolate, and a kiss should do the trick. Well, they didn’t. They just made me feel worse. Think about all of the disappointing Valentine’s Days you had in your marriages, and you’ll realize that celebrating love was not the day your gay husbands looked forward too either. It was a painful reminder to them that they were married to a woman—a place they didn’t belong.

When you are married to a gay man, you need to sing that song Love Hurts. It starts out like this: “Love hurts, love scars, love wounds, and marks any heart not tough or strong enough.” These words are so true for loving straight wives who are unable to have that love returned in a meaningful way by their husbands. They say, “I love you, “but those words fall flat when there are no actions to back it up.

Self-love is a cliché to many of us at this point, but the truth is—it is the truth. If you learn to love yourself, you don’t have to feel lonely on Valentine’s Day. Or think about the true meaning of the holiday and how someday, if you are ready to open your heart again, you can celebrate it in a meaningful way with true love and romance. I love Valentine’s Day for our women because it means we have nine more months before we have to be bombarded by constant reminders from Thanksgiving to Valentine’s Day of loving families who seem to be happy because they don’t have a gay husband in the mix. Ah, tomorrow is day one of those nine wonderful months of being able to work towards more healing. Look on that bright side!

Much love to my special women on this special day!   Love, Bonnie

Thursday, November 26, 2020



NOVEMBER 2020     Volume 21, Issue 208


One of my readers asked me to address the issue of revealing her husband’s homosexuality to other people when he specifically asked her not to do it. I think the majority of our women have been put in this most uncomfortable position of “keeping his secret." Do we owe this to our husbands? Is it really our secret to have to keep? I say NO with a resounding thunder. Why? Very simple. It’s not our secret to keep.

I remember during my marriage how isolated I felt. Part of that isolation was because my ex-husband alienated so many people out of our lives specifically MY friends and family. It was almost as if he could keep people away from me, I wouldn’t “slip” and tell them the truth. Quite honestly, I was scared to tell anyone the truth because if my ex would have found out, I would have been vilified and punished. He was never physically abusive, but he was very emotionally abusive knowing how to attack every weak point in my ego and then some. He was also very volatile. As I’ve said before, he liked to “shout me down to shut me up.” And he was quite successful at doing so.

So you may say, but after the marriage….well, after the marriage wasn’t much better in the early years. He would be leading his gay life while warning me to keep “mum” so no one else would know it—except for the numerous men he was sleeping with. It was no secret to them for sure. And so I suffered in silence with people who were imagining where “I” went wrong in the marriage. To some he seemed like such a great guy—like many of our ex-husbands. They can charm a snake and convince people they are faultless for the breakup of the marriage. In fact, they are usually the victims. Why did they leave us? Because we weren’t supportive enough or we didn’t clean the house well enough. They usually never take the responsibility, do they? It’s so much easier to shift the blame over to us especially when they explaining this to their families. And their families who looked at us as daughters now look at us through faulty vision based on the lies they are being told by our gay husbands. It’s a no win situation. If we keep their secret, we come out losing.

In a world that now sympathizes with the brave gay husbands who have sacrificed their “authentic lives” to do the “right thing” by staying in their marriages until their families were grown up--while wasting years of their wives’ sanity and sense of self-worth--I don’t see any point in having to keep that secret any longer. Why is it our job to keep silent when they can live their authentic lives at our expense? That doesn’t make sense.

Keeping his secret hurts one person—namely YOU. First of all, it puts you in a position of telling a lie on his behalf. That’s the kind of lie that will eat your soul out and make you sick. In many cases, your husbands will deny that they are gay and claim that you are making it up to get back at them. I say tell it anyway. In time, almost all of these men will live the life they want to lead even if it’s behind your back or when you’re not looking. If they are gay, they are going to act on it. Maybe in the beginning it could be just looking at gay porn, but it time, it will be acting on those urges that won’t go away. If  you think your gay husband isn’t having gay sex, well, then you are the one in a state of denial—not him.

I recently had a chat with one of our members the other day, and she insisted to me that her husband couldn’t possibly be cheating on her because she knows where he is at all times. I explained to her that these men can be with you at all times and still be cheating on you. I know that as a fact because I have worked with several thousand gay men over the 35 years that I’m doing this. Their stories are unbelievable.

For instance, one man I personally know told me how he always went shopping with his wife to a local national chain department store. She would go into the ladies department; he would tell her he’s trying on clothes in the men’s department. He would exit to the men’s department and meet up with someone in the dressing room (planned out ahead of the visit) and have one minute sex with the guy in the dressing room. This happened on multiple occasions.

Another man would tell me about his “dining experiences” in a large chain restaurant where he would go with his wife. She would be ordering dinner, and he would excuse himself to go outside to have a cigarette. He would meet up with a guy outside in the back of the restaurant, “relieve” himself, and go back to dinner as if nothing had happened.

One other man told me of his adventures in his HOUSE while his wife went shopping. He actually had men come over for what he described as a “quicky” in his marital bedroom and be done long before she came home.

These are true and validated stories. How does this happen? Easy. These guys have all kinds of apps to meet people for anonymous sex. They throw out the word that they are married men looking for fast fun—and they find it. And I know it works. A few years ago we had a healing weekend in Texas. We downloaded the app to try it out because we couldn’t believe it. We put out the word that we were a “married man” looking for fun with another man. Within five minutes, there were six responses ready to come to the hotel—no questions asked.

Getting back to my original point, you can feel free to tell anyone you want the real truth. You don’t need to keep a secret that is not yours to keep. Let people know the truth on why your marriage breaking up. It doesn’t take “two to tango” when you have a gay husband—it only takes one—the gay husband. PERIOD. Well, not exactly. This will take me to my next topic!



Let’s talk about marriage for a moment. Actually, let’s first talk about straight marriages. Now I realize that most of my readers have a difficult time talking about this because they haven’t experienced it—so let me be the one to tell you about it based on my own experience and the experiences of others that we know.

They say that 50% of marriages with straight couples end in divorce in this country. There are numerous reasons why this happens which include:

1.    Marriage at a young age when you are unsure of who you are.

2.    Marriage at a young age when you are unsure of what you want.

3.    People aging and growing in different directions.

4.    People getting tired of each other or just fall out of love.

5.    Personality conflicts that develop more clearly.

6.    Financial problems that break people apart.

7.    Infidelity in a marriage.

8.    Addiction.

All of this factors into the loss of a straight marriage. As I tell women I work with in this situation that there doesn’t have to be a good partner and a bad partner—a marriage may not work with two good people just going in different directions. In every marriage there will be problems, but it doesn’t have to come down to blame and stacking up who has more right and wrong points to justify the end of a marriage.

However, when it comes to being married to a gay man, all of this changes. It doesn’t matter how young or how old you are when you get married. It doesn’t matter what his personality is or what yours is. All that matters is one thing—he is a gay man and you are a straight woman. That is the recipe for disaster.

I hate when I first meet women who are internalizing what they did wrong in the marriage or what they could have done “better.” I also understand why they feel this way. Their husbands have been training them for years to believe that his frustrations and their problems in the marriage were the result of her—not him. Women start analyzing what they could have done differently in the marriage. This is where I have to “knock some sense” into them to make them realize that nothing would have changed the end result.

Men tell me a whole list of excuses for the failure of the marriage—not of which, by the way, is the gay factor. They say:

1.    We married too young – No, it’s because you are gay.

2.    We’ve grown apart – No, it’s because you are gay.

3.    My wife isn’t supportive to me – No, it’s because you are gay.

4.    My wife isn’t interested in sex – No, it’s because you are gay AND you’ve done nothing to make her feel sexually wanted (I have to add that)

5.    My wife is always depressed – Yes, because you are gay.

6.    My wife is always suspicious – Yes, because you are cheating on her.

7.    My wife is always accusing me of being unfaithful – Yes, because you are.

The list could go on indefinitely, but you get the point.

True, I became a different person from living with my gay husband. I was a strong and independent woman when I married him. How strong was I? In 1970 – 1979,I was the a local leader and later national director of a of an activist/militant Jewish organization fighting against neo-Nazis and Nazi War Criminals. I spent ten years getting arrested, jumping barricades, getting thrown down steps, hit by bottles—yes, I was strong. When I met my gay husband, I was charmed by his good looks, sense of humor, intelligence, and charisma. His strength drew me to him because I wanted a man I could lean on. I came to learn that his strength was that of a bully—always having to get his way or screaming and shouting. It didn’t happen for a while. He didn’t display any fits of anger prior to our marriage. After all, he was an excellent actor. He had been performing his whole life pretending to be a straight man.

We married much too soon. He was desperate for stability, and I believed whatever little faults I had noticed could be “cured” by the love and security he was so desperate for. I had come out of a previous bad marriage and was looking for someone to love. He came from an unstable family and suffered as a result of that. He sure knew how to get me to feel sorry for him.  He had that vulnerable side that always sucked me in even after I escaped his mistreatment of me long after the marriage was over. I think these men target women like us who are caring and compassionate knowing that no matter what, we will still be there for them when the truth comes out.

We were only married for a short time—five years--which produced two children. I suspected his homosexuality two years into the marriage, but by that time, I was pregnant with my second child and since he was adamant he wasn’t gay, I let it go. He was not adamant that he wasn’t bisexual. By year three, when he confessed to me that he had a “moment of weakness” with some younger guy, and after I went and vomited in the toilet for a number of days, I stated to him that I was willing to “bargain.” Here were my terms: If you could disappear once every six months and not let me know about it—and if you are willing to be with someone of age limit—I CAN LIVE WITH THAT. Silly me. Imagine bargaining with a gay man!! Well, at that time what I thought was a “bisexual” man.

Why bisexual? Because he was married to me. He had sex with me. Maybe it wasn’t much and maybe it wasn’t great, but it was still sex and that wasn’t something a gay man couldn’t do, right? Wrong. But no one was out there telling me that at the time long before technology had kicked in.

Did I change? Yes. I became suspicious every time he walked out the door wondering when that “once every six months” was going to be not realizing it would become more like once every six days. I would suspect the crime was being committed each time he left for any parts unknown. Was he always walking out to cheat on me? No—but I know that he was a lot of the time.

I began to recognize the signs. He would shave, dress up, wear cologne, and “look” like he was going out on a date—even when he was going to the “gym,” the biggest pick up places for gay men. Yes, straight gyms. Steam baths with other “straight” men who had male indiscretions—but they weren’t gay either. Gosh, I was so lost.

In1980, there was no realistic information at all out there even if you could find it. People believed that gay could be a choice you could make. I believed it. I believed that if I would try harder, clean better, lose weight, cook more, be more supportive, be less jealous (of nothing so he claimed), then maybe he could be a “better husband.”

I was a prisoner running around the “circle of crazy.” He was cheating on me regularly, but I didn’t confirm this until after the marriage when he told it to me in a joking, bragging way. Yes, he had many a conquest of “quickies” in convenient places from the gym to our bedroom when I wasn’t home. This man had no boundaries. If he gave me anything, it was the truth after the marriage was over. But not because I DESERVED IT, but because he thought he got away with something time and again. This is the sign of a true sociopath.

Getting back to my point, I did become a different person while living this nightmare. I didn’t know who I was anymore and either did my family and friends. I had been isolated from them by my ex who made sure to have a fight with me every time someone was visiting us for fear I might tell one of them my suspicions about his secret. They just didn’t want to come to see me anymore for fear of being caught in the crossfire.

 I begged him to go to counseling with me, but he refused. He told me if I needed counseling, I could go—as long as I never discussed my “suspicions” with the counselor. If he found out that I did, he would leave and take the children. At that point, I was so beaten down. He had total control of all of our money. I rarely had more than a dollar in my wallet—another form of control.

It’s funny. My ex fell madly in love with a younger man, Billy, two years after we split up. I really believe he was truly enamored with this guy. It was different than all of his other hookups. He was obsessed. Billy stayed with him for a couple of years on and off. I had a number of interactions with him because the children would visit their father a couple of times a year. I found it so amazing that he treated Billy the same way he treated me. Not at first—but once he had him. This young man would commiserate with me about the way my ex treated him—the same way he treated me. Never believe these guys with personality disorders change even when they start leading their new “authentic lives.” They don’t. They can’t. They don’t want to.

Today, nearly 40 years later, things have changed. Women have access to information. The Internet is scattered with stories of women who have been married to gay men. I have had my website up for 20 years and had over 560,000 hits for information. Today when women want to learn about this disaster—it is out there. And yet, the truth is still so hard to believe. We still try to bargain with our realities. My heart aches each week when women contact me looking for some false hope that I can’t give them. When women with “bisexual” husbands ask me if their husbands can truly be bisexual and just not cheat on them, what can I tell them? I tell them maybe it’s possible, but in nearly 40 years, I haven’t seen it happen yet. That’s me—the voice of “doom and gloom” or rather honesty and tough love.

When I talk to women who lived with their gay husbands for 10, 20, 30, 40 and 50 plus years, my heart breaks for them. Living a life time of deceit and always wondering what you are doing wrong to create it is a painful way to live. Some women are beaten down like I was. They don’t have the courage to take their lives back. I was lucky that my ex walked out in anger leaving me with two babies and $50.00. I had no car, no phone, and no self-esteem at that point. He thought he would teach me a lesson so that when he came home, I’d be so happy to have him back that I would give in to his (as my sister calls them) SHENANGANS. Ah, no such luck. In that one week I didn’t weaken—I found my former inner strength. And as scared as I was to be broke with no job or minimal resources, I found the strength to say NO when he returned a week later. But being honest—if he would not have left for that week, who knows how long I would have stayed in that state of fear and hopelessness? Maybe I would have been one of those heartbreaking stories of suffering for another 20 years or more.

People tell me that I am one of the strongest women they know. Hardly. I am one of the luckiest women they know because my ex left me and  after five years and gave me the chance to find myself again. I tell you my own story so you should never second guess yourself or blame yourself for staying longer than you should have. Never blame yourself for hoping against hope that you imagination was running away with you. Never beat yourself up for wondering why it took you so long to see the truth. We are good-hearted, loving women who try to find the best in the worst or at least the not-best situation. We need to stop blaming ourselves for any of the problems in our marriages. Any mistakes we made were directly due to the way we were treated and ripped down either passively or aggressively. We became different women than we were when we entered the marriage, and those traits that are husbands created were the ones that our husbands complained about. We were too “needy,” “suspicious” or “jealous.” I wonder why. We have nothing to feel ashamed about. No one has the right to judge us for how long we stayed or why we stayed. It’s bad enough we lived through this experience. No apologies or explanations are ever needed to anyone—including yourself!


I wrote a holiday message four years ago that I will repeat in this newsletter. The sentiments are the same.  I know this is such a tough time of year for so many of our straight wives, so I hope this article will help you.



Ladies, I’d like to wish you a holiday season. It would be a little silly to say “Happy” holiday season to the many of you who would feel I’m being sarcastic or insensitive during the worst months of each year.

For those of you who are still suffering in your marriages built on illusions and mirrors, there is no real happiness to talk about. Your future is in limbo, and you know that any moment your husband walks out the door some shoe can fall on your head.

For those of you who are newly divorced, this will be your most difficult year yet. All of those holiday traditions you celebrated together are no longer there. And as much as people like me advise you to “start new traditions” and give you “tips” for getting through the holiday, let’s be for real—it’s never, ever that simple.

For those of you in the early years of Gay Husband Recovery, memories of what you thought was yours forever will do the dance of the sugar plum fairies in your brain—no pun intended. They just make you wonder on what was real or not real for those years.

For those of you who are further into your recovery and still struggling with “issues” that create residual feelings of PTSD when certain triggers remind you of what you had, lost, or never had and lost—this is the time to expect those feelings to rise to the surface.

No matter what phase you are in, we are all struggling in this game of either GIVE ME BACK MY LIFE AS IT USED TO BE, or when you realize that won’t happen--TAKE BACK MY LIFE SO I CAN MOVE AHEAD. Unfortunately those pictures being shoved in our face every day and everywhere of families living out our fantasies that we believed to be our realities really tips our boat over making us feel like we are drowning or tilts the pin ball machine in our brain with bright lights until we are screaming “Tilt, Tilt.”

Personally, I think the holidays are a time we don’t have to be happy or even pretend to be happy. We’re not going to fool ourselves for sure. Maybe we can fool others around us, but do we need to do that? Do we need to pretend that our feelings aren’t really that important? Do we need to feel any more “minimized” than we already do?

Being in or ending a marriage to a gay man—whether he is open, in the closet, or somewhere in between—is a traumatic life event. Your investment of time and love into a no-win situation is your reality. In most cases, knowing that your husband was “exploring” his sexuality while lying next to you while he was lying to you and blaming you for the mishaps along the way is something you have to process. In over 20% of the cases of women who come to me, they have the received a gift from their gay husband’s indiscretions that never goes away—namely an STD that will last forever in some cases. And if that isn’t enough to kick you in the gut, people are praising him for being “brave” for coming out. Hello….what about us??? Is anyone praising us for the years we devoted to our family trying to be superwomen in hopes that our husbands would want us? Is anyone marching on a special day saying, “We are proud to be Straight Wives”? Do we get a special day of recognition or a movie about our pain?

And what about how we are portrayed by the media? First we had Brokeback Mountain that portrayed the two wives of gay men as idiots. Now we get a Netflix dramoedy with a real-life older out lesbian playing a straight wife. Oh—we also had Fran Drescher playing Nanny to her gay ex-husband on their double dates and a few Mormon women on TLC talking about how they are happy to marry their gay boyfriends. Is it any wonder that our ex gay husbands are the heroes? There is nothing real about how the media portrays our struggle—we appear as stupid bimbos who should have known better.

Yep. I’m angry. But I’m not bitter. There’s a line that separates them. A few people call me bitter—but that’s not the case. My life moved on, and I am living happily ever after. I’m angry because too many of you still suffering. Bitter would mean that I’m encouraging our women to stay angry. I don’t encourage it at all—but I do acknowledge it. I will validate every raw feeling that you have and make sure that you take absolutely NO RESPONSIBILITY for the demise of your marriage. I will not accept any man telling me, “Well, it wouldn’t have worked out even if I were straight.” That’s what I call denial. They just don’t get it because gay men don’t think straight. They don’t get that the way that you act is in response to the way they treat you.

Most of our women are wonderful women who want to be wonderful wives. Yes, some of us come from situations where there were “issues,” but that doesn’t mean that we can’t be wonderful wives—if we have wonderful husbands to nurture us and help us thrive. When we live a daily life of lies, confusion, and blame, we become different people. We become fearful, co-dependent, and suspicious because we are living someone else’s lie. This is the true shame of the holidays when you are a straight wife.

So, my message to you is to “just get through it.” It’s going to be a rough time until mid-February when all of those loving holidays are finally gone. Until then, it will be one reminder after another of what you thought you had but don’t have.

One of the reasons I get bummed out around this time of year is because I do know what’s ahead. I know that within the next 4 weeks or so, I am going to be meeting dozens of new women who will be hearing the news they never wanted to hear. This is the time of year that many married gay men wait for to tell their wives. They don’t want to louse up the holidays for the family, so they hang in there until January 1st or shortly thereafter. No comment. I’ll just be waiting for them.

Maybe it’s not the best time of the year for many Straight Wives—but it is a psychological time of renewal when January 1st comes along. The worst of the holiday season is behind us so things can get back on track. I was going to say “normalize,” but that would be misleading, wouldn’t it?

To all of my straight sisters, I wish you pleasant holidays. I am here for anyone who needs support. Just email me! I’m here for you!!

Love, Bonnie Heart Love Red - Free vector graphic on Pixabay







Sunday, August 23, 2020


Hi Friends,

I wrote this article back in 2013, but it is just so important that I wanted to reprint it now. I hope it helps you gain perspective of the failure of your marriages.



Every few years, an epiphany hits me like a ton of bricks. The first one was in 2001 when I realized that we became women who we were not necessarily supposed to become because our husbands are gay.  Instead of working to grow emotionally and professionally, we are spiritually muted or stagnated for years living in a state of what I call "Muck"...much like sinking in quicksand. That is because we dance in that "circle of crazy" which means running around in circles like a dog chasing after its tail. Even the dog is in better shape than we are because sometimes he gets a hold of his tail--we just keep sinking further into helplessness.

Several epiphanies later, I now have a new one. This comes from 30 years and over 90,000 women asking me dozens of different questions that usually start the same way:


It's very simple--he's GAY.

And here's my newest epiphany:


Please don't misunderstand me. This is not a put down on gay people at all. It's just a reality based on years of observation. I am the first to say that I don't think gay. That is because I am straight. Once again--an observation.

So when women ask me how their gay husbands can do the things they do, it's quite simple--they are GAY. They don't belong in a marriage to you. PERIOD.

The problem with our women is that they keep expecting their husbands to act as if they are straight--not gay. You forget that gay men who complain about their unhappiness are unhappy because they are married to you--a woman. And even though your husband  was for the most part all excited about the "opportunity" to marry you before you said, "I do," he was saying, "I hope I can, I hope I can make love to her, I hope she'll believe me when I pretend to be straight, I hope I won't keep fantasizing about men anymore, I hope those things I've done with guys will be in the past, I hope that if I can't resist these urges and she finds out, she won't leave me," etc. etc. You see, while you were entering the marriage filled with hopes and dreams, he was entering your marriage filled with the hope that he could "pull it off."

Don't ever believe that your gay husband just found out he was gay after he married you--after 10, 20, 30, or 40 years. That isn't true. And don't believe that he thought all men--including straight men--fantasize about being with men or have occasional sexual encounters with men because that is NOT true. And he knows it isn't true--he is just justifying his sexual fantasies and encounters. And why? He doesn't want to be gay.

I do believe that most gay men marry you because they love you--but let me clarify that by saying that they love you to the best of their ability as gay men. They love you the way they would love a sister or a cousin--but you are not his family--you are his WIFE. And as a wife, you are expecting more out your husband than to love you as a family member or best friend.  That's where the disconnect begins. Some of us have that happen sooner than later in a marriage--but eventually, it does happen. And when things are not heating up in the bedroom, that's where the anger, resentment, and blame begin.

          You: Why does it feel like I have to ask for sex all of the time?

          Him:  Why are you always thinking about sex?

          You:   Other women spend romantic evenings with their husbands.

          Him:  You are watching too many movies. It doesn't happen that way                      in real life.

          You:  We've only been married a couple of years. Why don't you                            make love to me?

          Him:  What are you? A nymphomaniac? All you think about is sex,                        sex, sex.

Here is the disconnect. As a gay man, he is also thinking about sex, sex, sex. But he is not thinking about having it with you. When he thinks about sex with you, he is thinking about a way out of having sex with you. Just like the thought of having sex with your brother or uncle would be repulsive to you, he has the same thought when it comes to you. It's not that he doesn't love you--he just doesn't love you the way you love him--because he is gay. He can love you, but he can't be "in love" with you. He is gay--he doesn't know how.

Gay men in denial who have a deep enough desire to stay married because they can't face living in a "gay world" will go through the motions. They can talk the talk. After all, they've been practicing their whole lives observing straight people. They can walk the walk--they know what a "straight walk" looks like. But they can't do the "dirty" indefinitely no matter how hard they try. And after a while, it becomes "dirty" to them. It becomes as incestuous to them as it would be for us to have sex with a family member--or even your best girlfriend whom you love--but not as a lover.

Why do we keep expecting gay men to be straight men? That is the faulty thinking that we have. Every response they have with you is based on their gay thinking--not on straight thinking. The resentment they have towards you is because you are a woman who wants them to be a straight man. Why wouldn't you? He married you. He promised to love you through everything--but he didn't understand that everything meant being a husband who wants intimacy and sex with his wife as part of the marital deal.

When your husband married you, he figured he could do it and maybe enjoy it. After all, he could always close his eyes and fantasize about his dream man. Many of these gay husbands do just that--and they have told me so. But they don't want to do more than they have to do to convince you that they are straight. After all, if they can get an erection every now and then--even if they can't keep it during your intimate moments--that will prove to you that they are straight. And if they lose the erection in the middle of one of those moments--no problem. It's your fault, isn't it? If he can get one, he takes the credit, but can't keep it going, then you get the credit because it must be your fault. Let's see, you're too fat...thin...dirty...smelly...flat chested....big chested...have bad breath...breathe too loud...demand too much...boring during sex...didn't clean the house enough, don't use the right shampoo, etc., etc., etc.

And then you ask me how they could do this to you.

So ladies, here's where my new epiphany should become your new mantra:


You need to say this over and over again to yourself daily whether you are still in your marriage or not. You see, we keep wondering how they can worse after they leave the marriage. We keep thinking like straight women who have a straight husband:

Us:       Maybe now that he has left, he'll realize how much he has                             hurt me.

Them:    I gave up so much of my life for her. I was such a good                                husband and provider. I gave her everything I had, and all                           she did was complain and complain about sex. She's so                              ungrateful.

Yes, we just don't get it. Women have come to me and said, "He's willing to give up his family for a roll in the hay with someone? Sex means more to him than his family?

Yes, you just don't get it. It's not about sex--it's about being gay and being free of living a lie where he can never please you. It's about him feeling the kind of love and excitement with a man that he can never feel for you because he is gay. And say it again:


The key to healing from this nightmare is to realize that you can't do anything about it other than accept it. You can't personalize it. When your husband or ex-husband blames you for his unhappiness, you can believe it because you are a woman. You can never be the wife he needs because he doesn't need a wife--he needs a man. He is gay.

When he blames you for ANYTHING, hold your head high because you need to believe this has NOTHING to do with you. You didn't create it, and you can't change it. In Bonnie Kaye terms that means: You didn't break him--you can't fix him. Stop trying.

Nothing upsets me more than women who tell me that some of the problems in the marriage happened because of their behavior so they have to take some of the blame. Well sister, here's the news--you don't have to take any of the blame. You married someone who can never make you feel good about yourself because he was rejecting you on some level since the day he married you. Even though he didn't want to hurt you, he couldn't help himself because he is gay.

What does that mean? He resented you. You became the enemy. You were the keeper of his internal prison he created, and YOU held the key that you refused to hand him to escape. It doesn't matter that he wanted to marry you, nor does it matter that he refuses to leave his safety net and comfort level of leading a "straight life." Now you are the one who "keeps him trapped" into being someone he doesn't really want to be---namely your husband..

This is where another disconnect sets in. He continually picks, picks, picks--and he is picking at you and on you because of his frustration. He'll look to blame you for the problems in the marriage. After all, he's done everything to make you happy, but you are never happy. He's a good provider. He's a good father. What's the problem in the marriage? It has to be YOU. In his mind, he does what he believes is the right thing to do--other than giving you sex every time you ask for it--and don't you keep asking? What is with you?  

Since most of these men don't  or won't tell you the truth until they are ready--and sadly, too many will never be ready, even when they leave you--you slowly begin the deterioration process that strips down your self-esteem one layer at a time. You lose your footing because no matter how hard you try, your husband doesn't love you the way you know a man should love a woman. You're not stupid--but you sure are feeling very stupid because nothing you do is making your husband happy. When you don't know why all of your efforts don't bear the results you want, you finally understand what is wrong in your relationship--YOU ARE INADEQUATE. You have made every attempt to make your husband love you by showing him with love, affection, and passion--but nothing helps. What is wrong with you?

This is where the anger, depression, and worthlessness starts taking over your psyche. Many of our gay husbands/ex-husbands are passive-aggressive. They use a "slap and smile" strategy meaning they slap you down (mostly emotionally, but in some cases physically) and then tell you that they love you. Our "perception" of love gets distorted. As long as you hear those words "I love you," you feel there is a chance if only you can change some of your ways. You know what upsets him most--SEX. Other than that, he's not "that bad." As your family and friends keep telling you, "He's a good dad. He's a good provider. You go on nice vacations. He's not a WOMANIZER. You are a lucky woman." Message: There's nothing wrong with him. You should be happy.

So why aren't you? You start feeling guilty because you think you don't have the right to complain. Then you start reading magazine articles that say most relationships "lose their groove" sexually in time, but the friendship and love is still there. As the song goes, "Don't worry--be happy." Right? Wrong.

This is not about straight couples who get caught up with life on life's terms over the years where sex can diminish due to health issues or job pressures. This is about a gay man who has never made you feel valued as a woman--only as a sexual aggressor who has turned him off. It's about losing confidence in everything you do because no matter how much you have done, nothing is working. So many of our women try transforming themselves by going through life-changing surgery like gastric bypasses, breast implants, liposuction, and plastic surgery in order to make themselves more beautiful so their husbands will desire them. That's because he usually throws in those little excuses, "If only you weren't so heavy....if only you would lose weight...if only your breasts weren't so small....if only your body wasn't so flabby....if only, if only, if only.

Ha, ha, ha. Like changing this will make their husbands want them sexually more. They soon find out that "enhancing your appearance" to make yourself more beautiful is an act in futility. Your husband doesn't want you more beautiful--he wants a man--he is gay.

 When you are a normal woman, years of getting the message that you are 'abnormal" deprives you of ever knowing who you really are. There won't be much personal growth or actualizing here because you are too busy trying to get your husband to love you which means "desire you." You have to learn to accept the way you want your husband to love you WILL NEVER HAPPEN BECAUSE HE IS A GAY MAN!

Never mistake "cuddling with you" for "passion" with you. If it gives you some false illusion that "cuddling" means loving you, then you are deluding yourself. A marriage doesn't need cuddling as its primary source of affection. It needs the passion and desire that that makes you feel like you can climb a mountain or float on a cloud. A straight man will never just "do it" to make you happy. He will make you happy because it makes him happy when you are sexually satisfied. He loves to touch you. Cuddling is secondary--not the primary reason he wants to touch you. When a man loves you, he wants to "make love" to you.

I have been with my boyfriend for 19 years and 6 months. We have a beautiful and regular sex life that is always top of the line even at our age. As he explains to me, "Making love to you is the best way for me to express how much I love you." Yep, that is how a straight man thinks. We are both so in sync with each other because we know what pleases each other. After nearly two decades, I can tell you that he still works just as hard to please me because to him IT IS NOT WORK. It's passion that has built our intimacy to survive those difficult time when sex isn't possible due to medical issues. The medical issues are never an excuse--they are just a delay knowing things will be better and we will be fine. That's the difference between a straight man and a gay man. Straight men want sex with you because you are a woman--gay men don't want sex with you because you are a woman.

In closing, repeat these words every day:


Sunday, August 16, 2020




Last January, I resumed my weekly podcasts on Blog Talk Radio. I want to thank the wonderful members of my support group who have been kind and generous in being a guest on the show—and some of you more than once. Our women need to hear you to feel inspired and supported in their own recovery process. I have received some beautiful feedback from women all over the world about your interviews that is so rewarding to me. Since January, we have had over 17,200 listens to the show on every continent of this world. You can listen live to the podcasts on Sunday evenings at 8 p.m. EST or anytime afterwards at this link: If you would like to be a guest on my show—anonymously—just drop me a note at We all need to learn from each other how to balance this life changing experience.


I am in the process of collecting stories for my new Straight Wives: Shattered Lives III book which I hope to have published this fall. I have some wonderful stories from some of the women in this support network, but I would like to have three more if you are interested. You can email me at for the guidelines.

People wonder why this book is necessary. The last volume, STSW: 2, was published TEN years ago. In our changing current society where homosexuality is celebrated rather than hidden, people can’t conceive that this is still going on. But it is. Gay men are way ahead of where they were, but many of them are still confused. They don’t understand why they can still have feelings and attractions to women but still be gay. It doesn’t equate for them in their late teens, twenties, and sometime thirties. They can fall in love with a woman, have sexual relations with her for a number of years, produce children, lead a straight life—so how can this be gay? Okay, so they find men sexually appealing. But that’s just sex—not emotions. Sex is not a big deal in marriage after a while, so what’s the difference. Yes, they think they can go through life like that, but it all changes later. Those attractions to men intensify in time. Their desire to be with men sexually is overwhelming, and the need to act on it is their new reality

Okay, we all know that story. We’ve all lived it in one form or another. But I have found is that attitudes about this situation from outside our world have changed, and we need to acknowledge this. In the introduction to my new book, I state why we need to keep this momentum going. This is a portion of it for you to read. I lead into it by talking about how I believe that things are worse for straight wives now in 2020.

So what’s the “worse” part? That is the part that our straight wives have to endure when their husbands come out and become the new heroes. Now society sings praises to these men who have the courage to live their new “authentic lives.” They cheer them on. They feel saddened over the years of torture they had to endure by pretending they were “straight men.” They want to pin a big round badge of COURAGE on their shirts. In the past, women would at least get some sympathy from their friends and acquaintances. Not now—now our gay husbands are getting that misplaced sympathy. Society sees them as the victims—rather than us. That has changed—and it doesn’t help us.

In the past, we’d get some snickers from people with the usual, “You didn’t know he was gay when you married him? It’s so obvious,” or “Was he gay when you married him?” Yes, those were the usual passive-aggressive comments we would hear as if we had missed the boat. Or they thought maybe we did know—but we were desperate. Sadly, that’s how ignorance thinks.

But back then—after the little slap down of accusation, we would be lifted up like a wine glass with some words of comfort including, “That’s so terrible. How could he do that to you?” Yep, those words would take away the sting of the initial slap in the face with a few soothing words.

Well, I don’t hear those words very much anymore. People don’t sympathize with us—the true victims of this situation. And that is what has changed the most. They are so impressed with these gay men who spent 20, 30, 40, and more years of their lives living their lies with us—their loving (although confused) wives giving up what these men claim were the “best years of their lives to their families.” So now that their dues have been paid, it is time for them treat themselves to authenticity in a world where they always belonged. Yep, they are the new heroes for their bravery. People applaud them for staying in their marriages until the children were grown and on their own.                                                                          

So, in other words, these men spent a few decades living a daily lie with their family. They were gay men playing the role of straight husbands. And yes, I mean playing a role. Gay men are not straight. They learn to “imitate” the actions of straight men. They study their body action, walk, arm motions, their speech, and heterosexual interests the same way that an actor prepares for a role. They usually have a lot of material to draw from via their family and friends. I always use the example of the comedian Lily Tomlin who is in the sitcom Frankie and Grace. Tomlin plays the role of a straight wife who in later life learns her husband is gay. She plays the role very well—because that’s what it is—a role. Tomlin is a lesbian who is honest about her sexuality. And yet, she is also an excellent actress who can portray a straight wife. That is different than being in a relationship with a partner. Then she would be in the same position as our gay husbands trying to figure out how not to get caught.

When most of our husbands were growing up, gay was taboo. Being straight was a requirement. “Practicing straight” was a daily job—and these guys learned how to imitate and play the role. In fact in many cases, they went beyond normal “straight behaviors.” Self-loathing or throwing us off-track often translated into anti-gay sentiments that these guys dropped in their conversations with straight people. My ex-husband would mock gay men who were effeminate calling them insulting names. He wasn’t “that kind of gay” as if it would make him less gay.

When people ask our women, “Didn’t you know he was gay when you married him,” the answer is a resounding NO. How would we know? My gay husband was a kung-Fu teacher who was tall, handsome, and muscular. Women fell for him fast and easy. He was the epitome of a macho athlete. Why would gay even enter into my mind? Gay men wanted men, not women, right? Why would a gay man romance me, claim to fall in love with me, make love to me (rather have sex with me) and want to marry me? That’s not what a gay man is supposed to do. But who knew? Not me. Not us.

This is where I find that times are different now. It’s a different “feeling” than it used to be. People don’t look at us as being on the losing side. They listen to these men’s words’ of, “I had a great marriage for 30 years. They were the happiest years of my life.” They assume because these men were so “happy,” we, their wives, must have been happy too. Wouldn’t that make sense? Our exes aren’t complaining about us—they are saying how wonderful the years were—at least in public. No doubt they were happy years—FOR THEM. Why not? They controlled the marriage. Most of us were slowly broken down step by step through emotional and sexual rejection. There was no intimacy for years or a sense of romance with our husbands. We worked harder and harder running in circles trying to make the man we loved happy because he never seemed happy. And although he didn’t blame us all of the time, he did blame us enough of the time for feeling “TRAPPED.” I love that word in a marriage—TRAPPED. My ex-husband used it daily. I couldn’t understand why he felt trapped, but it seems to be a common expression that gay married men use according to the women who are part of my support network.

They feel trapped because they ARE trapped in a marriage they don’t belong in—through their own doing. Yes, they trapped themselves—WE DID NOT TRAP THEM. No one told them they HAD to get married to us nor did we hold a gun to their head—that was their choice. But once they got into the marriage, it started unraveling for them. Things started to fall apart—and MOSTLY in the bedroom. These men believed that marriage would solve those sexual naggings and attractions to men—but it didn’t. If anything, they started intensifying within a short amount of time. This is when they start feeling “trapped.”

Getting back to my initial point, people assume we were the lucky ones to have such great guys for our husbands—even if they are gay in the end. After all, they are telling the world about how wonderful their marriages were. So, people ASSUME we must have been happy too. After all, if our husbands are saying it was great—why would we feel differently?

It’s so funny. These men who neglected us in every possible way and made us feel worthless are now saying publicly what a wonderful marriage they had. So who comes out the winner here? They do. No one ever thinks to interview their wives for a reaction. No one has any interest in finding out how we think.

Truth be told—I haven’t been able to find an interview with any wife of a famous gay man who came out from a wonderful marriage. Most likely, it’s because there are none. What was good for these men wasn’t good for us women. But that’s the point. No one is asking us. They are assuming we’re fine with everything just because our voices are silent.

There have been numerous actresses who have been married to gay men through the years. Some of the more famous ones include Judy Garland, her daughter, Liza Minelli, Amanda Blake, (who died from AIDS after her gay husband died), Vanessa Redgrave, Charlotte Rae, Angela Lansbury, Carrie Fisher, and Fran Drescher. I never hear anything negative about their after-lives together. Heck, Fran Drescher was double dating with her gay husband and did a television comedy about it.

And that’s the other problem. Our marriages became comedy series shows on television. Fran Drescher had a show for a couple of seasons called “Happily Divorced.” She and her husband loved each other so much they became best friends and double dated on the show. Ha, ha. Very funny. Well, people thought it was funny because they never lived this nightmare. This show did more to distort our cause than any progress we made over the years. I complained to the station with no response. And then there is Frankie and Grace. Another comedy that is more realistic about older women in long-term marriages to gay men, but again, it’s a comedy.

When the movie Brokeback Mountain was popular many years ago, I went to see it. Again, the reviews were rooting for these two men who had to hide their sexuality. Their wives were portrayed as totally unsympathetic. One was a passive woman who couldn’t stand up for herself, and the other was an aggressive bitchy like woman who didn’t care about her husband being gay. Neither one of these women represents the women I know and have worked with whose lives were devastated once they found out the truth.

My point is this. Our realities have never been presented realistically on the big screen or the little screen. We are either hysterically funny or pathetic women, so no one is looking to acknowledge our pain. We can be laughed at or minimized which is where we now stand today. As it wasn’t hard enough to live with this during our marriage with our gay husbands, now our life is viewed the same way by the public. Uggggh.

Unless we start standing up and yelling our feelings to people, nothing will change. That’s why our voices must be heard—whether it is in books or on radio shows. We can only hope that people will read and learn to understand so we have a fighting chance of being recognized and understood one day.

Much love,

Bonnie xoxo