Saturday, May 8, 2021

 

                              BONNIE KAYE'S STRAIGHT TALK

                              MAY 2021     Volume 21, Issue 09

Bonnie’s Mantra:

                       LIFE WAS NEVER MEANT TO BE THIS COMPLICATED. PERIOD.

 

UPCOMING HEALING WEEKEND!!

Well, sisters, this is my last hurrah. We’ve all been through so much with over a year of isolation due to the pandemic. Now life is easing back to a semi-normal state and I want to do one last healing weekend. Last? Yes. Now that I have kidney disease, I’m not sure how my health will be in the future, so I want to do it now while I can still be of good mind and body. Women who have attended these weekends will attest to the feeling of sisterly love that comes out of them as well as the validation we are always looking for.

The weekend will be the weekend of October 23rd in Philadelphia, my home town. Philadelphia is a city loaded with history and museums, so you may want to add a day or two for a mini-vacation. 

If you are interested, please let me know immediately, and I will send you details as I progress in getting this together. Please email me at Bonkaye@aol.com and write “Healing Weekend” in the subject.

HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY TO ALL OF OUR MOTHERS

This is the time of the year that all mothers are to be remembered, but I’d like to give extra kudos to straight mothers who were either left as single mothers to struggle on their own or to those who continued to stay in a lack-luster marriages and also struggled daily because they thought it was best for their children.

I have to be honest. Having a gay husband certainly did affect my mothering skills. My gay ex was a trip. He was an overt narcissist who tried to control everything in our lives. Why? Because he had no control over his own life and feared his gay secret would come out. He was the boss—he was in control. Of course, like all overt narcissists, he did it with a combination of loving/mincing words.

          Loving: You know that no one will ever love you as much as I do.

          Mincing: You know that no one else will ever love you.

Yes, that “lift me up to slap me down” strategy was very effective.

If anything went wrong with our children, he made sure to left me know it was MY fault and MY lack of mothering skills. The fact that he demanded so much more attention from me than my children needed was not even a consideration for him.

I was very fortunate to have the marriage end when my children were still babies. In case you forgot or didn’t know my story, my ex-husband raged at me when I found a love letter to him from a young guy sticking out of his wallet. You see, in the days before technology and the computer, we had to do all kinds of detective work manually. This one wasn’t too difficult because his wallet was on the table and the letter was sticking out. It was an easy catch for me.

When I confronted him with the letter—after he swore to me that he was rid of this young man months earlier—instead of feeling remorse, he felt angered yelling, “How dare you go through my personal property. That was MY wallet. It was a private letter.” Of course, this was one time I didn’t cower down because I was so infuriated. He would normally “shout me down to shut me up,” but not this time.

His response? Pack up his things and leave. Take the car. Leave me $50.00 on the table. The telephone was disconnected because he built up a huge bill and didn’t pay it. I had a sickly 3-month old and a 2.5 year old baby. He yelled, “I’m going to my mother’s house in New York to live.”

Even though this was so many years ago, I can still remember my emotional feeling of shock thinking, “What am I going to do now?” At that time, I had no education other than my high school equivalency diploma, I had no marketable skills, two little babies—including a chronically ill infant--and a battered brain from my marriage. My ex had told me on a daily basis that I would never be able to make it without him, and you all know the drill—constant brainwashing of a brain that was already battered daily.

And yet, as scared as I was on that day, there was a wonderful feeling knowing that I had two babies to take care of and not three. My ex was more time demanding than my children, so I was able to see a silver lining. By day three and four of the split, I began to take back my life and who I was before this marriage. It gave me the strength I needed  when he came knocking at my door on day seven with his suitcase in hand—thinking he taught me a lesson—and I was able to say, “The marriage is over.” Of course, he said, “You are willing to break up a marriage with two children?” I said, “You had no problem doing it—and neither do I.”

Unfortunately, even when you are OUT of a relationship with a controlling narcissist, you are not out of it because you have children to share. And so for the next 20 plus years, he was there to constantly remind me about my lack of mothering skills and always trying to buy the love of the children. I say buy—meaning gifts to impress them—and his friends and fans. He never mentioned that he refused to give me child support ever. He did get them big ticket items on birthdays and Chanukah such as furniture, trips with him, and even cars. Yep, he was the great Disneyland Dad. Sadly, he treated the kids the same way he treated me, so all the gifts in the world didn’t win their love. But he just didn’t get it.

If there were problems with the kids not “loving him” enough, he would claim it was because I must be “poisoning their minds.” I think not. Actually, I was overly generous to him when it came to the children and learned how to bite my tongue every time he disappointed them—which was most of the time. I made excuses for him. I assured them work had kept him away when it was gay clubs and gay cruises he was on. I didn’t do it for him—I did it for THEM. I learned that children are made up of two parents, and when one of those parents rejects them, they feel as if it is their own personal problem that their parent doesn’t love something about them. Also, when YOU knock the parent in front of them, they also take it personally because they know half of them is made from that parent. It’s a lose-lose, so I kept my anger to myself or shared with other adults.

Would I have been a better mother without my gay ex? Absolutely. Most of my time was spent trying to keep the peace, dodge his bullets, and protect the children. Women always tell me the best thing that came out of their marriage was their children. And yet, think how much different their lives—and our lives—would have been if we had been married to a true partner who loved us for the wonderful women we are instead of finding ways to trip us up to avoid us so God forbid we may want to have marital sex. Because the bottom line is the bottom line—for a gay husband. He will do whatever it takes to make sure that we have no desire to share that marital blessing called love making with someone that makes him want to gag. Maybe not in the beginning—although for some of us from the beginning—but eventually this will be his truth.

As most of you know, I lost both of my children when they were in their early 20’s. I always think about how much more time I could have spent with them if I had done the right thing—namely go after my ex-husband for child support so I wouldn’t have to work three jobs to survive. I encourage all of our women to do better than I did when it comes to fighting for what is right for you and your children in court as far as support. Finding strength to fight narcissists and sociopaths is so emotionally consuming, and I only regret that I didn’t have the enough strength to do it.

To all of the wonderful mothers that are part of this network, Happy Mother’s Day to all of you. Never beat yourself up for trying to do the right thing. Just realize that in most cases you can never win because the odds are always stacked against you when your husband is gay!

KISS – MY NEW EXPRESSION

We are living in confusing times. I will be the first to say that I don’t like it. There is no more “objective” reporting in our lives. Everything is tainted with personal opinions on every issue. I have watched over the past few years as people have become hateful to each other because of different opinions over politics. There was a time when people could have different opinions without it affecting their friendships or families. Not anymore. Now you have to watch what you say for fear of being branded by some unpleasant name. Once again, I don’t like it.

In a world filled with “political correctness,” somehow straight wives are more behind the eight ball than ever, meaning we are now the ones being more minimized than ever. In the old days, when 2 + 2 = 4 under all circumstances, we had a fighting chance to be heard even if we weren’t willing to speak out. Now that the world has turned upside down, we have virtually no chance because no one cares about us or what our struggles are. Gay is the show now, and every variety of the alphabet soup is in on this. What I mean is this: When I was growing up in the 1950’s and 1960’s, I never even heard the word “gay” until I was 14 or 15 years old. Then people would whisper about one of our classmates who was “different” because they thought he liked boys instead of girls. In fact, “gay” wasn’t even part of the vocabulary. It was “sissy.” Yes, those were the days of ignorance because what did we know? People stayed away from this young man based on the fact they viewed him as “abnormal.” I tried to friend him because I, too, was an underdog in my own right looking for others to bond with. He wasn’t interested, however.

By the time I was 17, I moved to California in 1968, and I learned quickly what gay was. Gay was abundant and out in California back then. My first gay-guy crush was a man named Glenn who was charming and charismatic. I really fell for him knowing absolutely nothing about “gay,” I believed if I loved him enough he could change. Silly me. He made an attempt to love me and to make love to me on several occasions, but it never worked. Why? Because he was gay. I learned he was not an option. Yes, life was pretty black and white back then for me!

I met many openly gay men and women in California who only had an interest in friendship—never romance because they were gay! And that was fine with me. I didn’t try to “convert” them to the straight side. I believed in my heart—even back then—no one would “choose” this life if he or she could “choose” to be straight.

Now life has become far more complicated. It went from LGB to LGBT to LGBTAI and now a bunch more letters that I I am just ignoring. I really don’t care what new labels people are coming up with—as we used to say, “Whatever floats your boat” is fine with me. Who am I to argue about your sexual identification? I can hardly argue about something that I don’t understand. Gay, yes. Lesbian, yes. Even bisexual—I understand it, but I don’t really believe it. Anything else-No. I don’t understand. Maybe I was born too early to understand it.

And I don’t argue about it. I accept it—even if I don’t get it. I look at people for who they are—not for their sexual identification.

So now that I’ve got that out of the way, here is my point. More and more articles are being published trying to “confuse” us into thinking that people who are what I call “UNstraight” are really straight.  Yes, UNstraight is what I call anyone who is part of the alphabet coalition. I coined that terminology so that we wouldn’t have to think too much about all of those different letters and rungs on the Kinsey scale. This is part of my new thinking of KISS, which now stands for:

 KEEP IT STRAIGHT, SISTER

I am really tired of people minimizing our pain even further by thinking that men who have sexual encounters with other men are NOT gay. In a recent article shared by a support group member, the author did the study of 100 men who identify as straight but still had encounters with men stated:

These men do not find men handsome or attractive, but they do find penises attractive, and they thus see penises as ‘living dildos’ or, in other words, disembodied objects of desire that provide a source of sexual pleasure.:

The article concluded:

 You can be a “good father,” which many men imply to mean being a strong, straight man, while still messing around with men on the side. From these men’s perspective, they can have it both ways — the privileges of identifying as straight and the pleasure and excitement of same-sex relationships on the side — without their identity being threatened.

Another woman posted an article by Joe Kort, who tells gay men they aren’t necessarily gay just because they sleep with men. Kort stated:

 "When straight men sleep with men it’s a guy thing, not a gay thing. In general, men have more transactional sex with one another, in general women don't. Men have objectified sex where it's just about the act, it's just about getting off, people man-shame him. When straight men have sex with men they’re still straight, it doesn’t erase heterosexuality.

I could go on with a whole bunch of other professional gays who will say the same message—“you don’t have to be gay to have sex with a man.”

Oh, and by the way, Joe Kort will also counsel you for $300 - $400 per hour to CONVINCE  you that you’re not gay just because you want to have sex with a penis!

So now I’m going to counsel you for FREE. If a man wants a penis in any way, shape, or form—he isn’t straight. And according to my critics, he may not be gay. But one thing is for sure—he is UNstraight. This includes men who go with transsexuals who look like women on top but still have their penis. UNstraight. And no matter how wonderful a man he is, do you really want a man who is obsessed by a penis? Do you want to be with a man who is fantasizing about another man or male organ? I say NO. And if you agree, then don’t let any of these WOKE people confuse you with their UNtruths!

Be good to yourself and KISS - KEEP IT STRAIGHT, SISTER!

STRAIGHT TALK RADIO SHOW RESUMING MAY 16th!!

My blog talk radio show will be resuming on Sunday, May 16th at 8 p.m. EST.

I am very excited that some of the women who participated in our Straight Wives: Shattered Lives 3 book will be starting off the series. You can go to the link at:

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/bonnielkaye

 

Here you can listen to past or current shows anytime during or after they are broadcast.

 

If you would like to tell your story to connect to others, please email me at Bonkaye@aol.com.

 

Wishing all my wonderful women the happiness you all deserve!!

 

Love, Bonnie


 

Sunday, February 14, 2021

BONNIE KAYE'S STRAIGHT TALK - FEBRUARY 2021

BONNIE KAYE'S STRAIGHT TALK

FEBRUARY 2021     Volume 21, Issue 209

Bonnie’s Mantra:

LIFE WAS NEVER MEANT TO BE THIS COMPLICATED. PERIOD.

Bonnie Podcasts: http://www.blogtalkradio.com/bonnielkaye


INTRODUCING OUR NEWEST BOOK

I am excited to announce our new collaboration book has recently been released. Straight Wives: Shattered Lives Volume 3 tells the stories of women from around the world who are part of my support network. They share their stories of the effects that their marriages had on their lives. The proceeds from all of my books help to sponsor my healing weekends and website. You can purchase your copy at Amazon.com or all other retailers. The book is available in paperback or kindle.



The cover was designed by my friend Heather Pettersen, a wonderful artist in Mississippi. It truly depicts the reality of our situations. The proceeds from all of my books help to sponsor my healing weekends and website. You can purchase your copy at Amazon.com or all other retailers. The book is available in paperback or kindle.

WHEN DO THEY REALLY KNOW??

The cover of our new book reminds me of a topic that I would like to talk about. Often, our husbands have told us that they married us having no idea they were gay. They swear they loved us when they married us and found themselves attracted to us. They built a life with us, and in some cases, they really were our best friends. Okay, in almost all of our cases, the sex started dwindling with a short amount of time, but hey—you were both busy with work, raising children, buying a house, buying cars, going on vacations, etc. etc. etc. And of course—ALL COUPLES SEE THEIR SEX LIFE DIMINISH OVER TIME—DON’T THEY?

I have worked with over 3,000 gay married men over the last 38 years. They come for me seeking advice and help. To be clear--they don’t come to me for advice before they get married, but rather when they are ready to get un-married—from you. They ask me for help on how to move out of the marriage in the way that will be least detrimental to you—and of course, to them.

In the early years of conversations I had, I always used to ask the same question. But now I stopped asking if they knew they were gay before marriage because every one of them said, “NO—there was no way for me to know that.” At first I thought they were really lying to me, but then I realized they were being honest. They didn’t believe they were gay because they fell in love with you and married you. They couldn’t be gay.

Most of the women in this support network are 40 and older. Back in the 1970’s in this country, gay men did NOT want to be gay. In the 1980’s with the onslaught of AIDS, they DEFINITELY did NOT want to be gay. Even a hint of “gay” could destroy their reputation and families. Those who came from religious backgrounds were told quite clearly, “Gay is a choice. Put those ‘evil’ thoughts out of your head because you will go to hell.”

There were those awful stereotypes of gay men who were swishy in walk and lisping in talk. Some gays you just knew like Paul Lynde and Charles Nelson Reiley or they would see straight actors like Milton Berle dress up in a dress swishing his way across the stage. That is what they thought GAY was. What they processed was gay was “evil, depraved, and perverted.” They weren’t like those stereotypes that were labeled as “gay.” All they had to do was fall in love with a woman and those feelings would disappear for good. Or so they were told by their families, religious leaders, and anyone else they ran across and hinted about their attractions. And some of them were able to perform sex with women in their younger years which REALLY fooled them and gave them hope.

Enter kind and loving women like us. What did we know about gay? Oh, we did know some things—specifically GAY men wanted to be with GAY men. No one ever mentioned to us that gay men would be looking for women to marry, have children with, and then cheat on us until they were ready to leave—if ever. See, back in the 70’s and 80’s, your gay husband could be miserable living with you—but he wasn’t going anywhere. By the mid-80’s when gay could equate to a death sentence due to AIDS, no one was running around saying he was proud and gay. That was a definite no-no. These loveless marriages truly believed in the vow, “Till death do we part,” and that day-to-day death was killing both the wife through rejection and the husband through deception (living his daily lie).

People think I’m sympathetic to the gay husbands who marry you. In a minimal way, I am. They were the victims of our society that forced them to lead a life of torture. And yes, I even give them a pass on not knowing they were gay when they married you in almost all of the cases. Yes, they knew they had “male attractions,” but they were promised that those desires would fade after marriage. Why not take a chance?

Okay, I’ve heard that story several thousand times, and I get it. I really do. But that’s about all I get. I don’t get the fact that these men who are supposed to love and cherish us treat us like the enemy and look to trip us up and “gaylight” us on a daily basis. I don’t get it that they are cheating with men on a regular basis, bringing homes STD’s from their sexual encounters but blaming you for infecting them with STD’s. I don’t get it that they find fault with you in everything you do no matter how great it is because it is easier than accepting blame for their lack of being heterosexual and married to you. Yep, there are lots of things I don’t get—and after nearly 40 years of trying to learn and study this, I still don’t understand.

In our new book of Straight Wives Shattered Lives Volume 3, women tell the stories of how these marriages gutted them emotionally, sexually, and even physically. As with all of your stories in this series, it is painful to think about the collective years of abuse that we have suffered as straight wives. I think back to 20 years ago when I met a woman, Ella, from New England who made me cry. She told me the story of the man she fell in love with twenty years earlier. He was such a sweetheart. They had fun doing everything from dancing to going to movies to playing board games. She was so thrilled that she met her soulmate, and two years later when he asked her to get married, she was so happy to say yes and plan the wedding she had always dreamed of. Throughout the two years of dating, there was no sexual activity beyond hugging and kissing, but both of them came from a Christian background, so this was not a problem. Ella said she would be happy to wait until after marriage to make love—as it should be.

The wedding took place six months later on a beautiful spring day. The couple had over 100 people there to wish them good luck on their future. They quickly exited for their honeymoon in Mexico at a beautiful resort. Their first night together was spent hugging in bed—but nothing more. For the rest of the honeymoon, there was always an excuse: a headache, a backache, an earache, and exhaustion. But he would hold her close, stroke her hair, call her beautiful, and say that he loved her.

When they returned home, her husband told her that he had to have a talk with her. He seemed nervous and edgy. Ella had a moment of total fright wondering what kind of bad news he was about to reveal—because she knew it would be bad news from the way he was acting. He told Ella that his worse nightmare had come true. She panicked thinking maybe it was some catastrophic medical problem like cancer. When he said no, it was nothing life threatening, she breathed a sigh of relief. She could handle ANYTHING else after that.

He went on to say that he had never been intimate with a woman before. He had always had problems getting an erection even if he was excited by a woman. He had been to doctors who had tried various medications with him, but nothing worked. He was going to now go back to the doctor to see what he could do, but in the meantime, no sex. He begged her to stay with him and promised to love her in every other way. What kind, loving woman would say no to that? After all, in her wedding vows she did say for better or worse, in sickness and in health. Okay, this was sickness. She wasn’t about to give up her wonderful husband and dreams of her future for sickness.

Her husband went to doctors over the next year every month looking for a “penis cure.” They still slept close and near together—but a peck on the face was the extent of their physical contact. After a year of no luck, he told his wife the doctors diagnosed him as “asexual.” This was back in to the late 1980’s and early  1990’s when so little was known about sexuality. People could title themselves anything and people of innocence or good faith just believed it—especially when you loved someone. Ella decided that she loved her husband enough to stay with him even though she remained a virgin. After all, love and marriage was about so much more than sexuality, and she didn’t want the man she loved to feel worse than he already did. She did EVERYTHING to build up his confidence as a man, especially when he begged her to stay with him even though he couldn’t perform like a man.

Fast forward twenty years later. Yes, it had been a decent marriage. Her husband was kind to her in many ways. He was a good worker, he bought them a beautiful house, they had friends and family to celebrate holidays with, and she learned to mute her desires as a woman through the no choice plan. She told herself sex was something people stopped doing after a while anyway, so what’s the big deal?

So now Ella’s husband buys a computer. He claimed that he really needed it for work because his job was being more technological. She was amazed at how much of her husband’s time was consumed by that computer. Ella used a computer at her job as well, but when the day was over, she was done. She couldn’t imagine why her husband had to work all day and now be on the computer at least four hours each evening.

One day, when Ella was off from work, she went to her husband’s office in the house and walked over to his computer. Yes, she was curious about his activity for hours each night. He had made it clear that the office was his PRIVATE room for work, and that she was not to go in there. On the screen she saw the picture of a young man—no more than 20 years old. Oh…let me add a young NAKED man. She was computer literate enough to know how to search his files. She was shocked. There were pictures of over 150 young guys. She searched his email for his correspondence with some of these men and after the first five or six, she ran out of the room to vomit.

Her husband wasn’t asexual—he was GAY sexual. He had lied to her for over 20 years about his life. When he came home, she was ready to confront him. She had seen enough and she knew the truth. Of course he was speechless. He began crying swearing he wasn’t gay. He swore that even if he had urges, he never acted on it. But she had the proof…and just like that, the marriage was over. She called me so depressed because she felt she gave her life away for nothing. All of those years she questioned herself as a woman and why she couldn’t turn her husband on. And although the at least took the responsibility for being “asexual,” she still felt it was her fault for not being sexy enough…pretty enough…appealing enough…oh, we all know the “enough” feelings, don’t we? Which leads to my next message.

HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY TO ALL OF OUR WOMEN

When I lived with my gay husband, Valentine’s Day never ceased to disappoint me. What I was looking for was a romantic, loving evening filled with words of promise and…some sex. Well, romance with my gay husband was an oxymoron now just saying it…but not knowing it for the first few years made me wonder where I WAS GOING WRONG. My gay husband kept insisting that once you get married, you don’t need to make such a big deal about it. A card, a box of chocolate, and a kiss should do the trick. Well, they didn’t. They just made me feel worse. Think about all of the disappointing Valentine’s Days you had in your marriages, and you’ll realize that celebrating love was not the day your gay husbands looked forward too either. It was a painful reminder to them that they were married to a woman—a place they didn’t belong.

When you are married to a gay man, you need to sing that song Love Hurts. It starts out like this: “Love hurts, love scars, love wounds, and marks any heart not tough or strong enough.” These words are so true for loving straight wives who are unable to have that love returned in a meaningful way by their husbands. They say, “I love you, “but those words fall flat when there are no actions to back it up.

Self-love is a cliché to many of us at this point, but the truth is—it is the truth. If you learn to love yourself, you don’t have to feel lonely on Valentine’s Day. Or think about the true meaning of the holiday and how someday, if you are ready to open your heart again, you can celebrate it in a meaningful way with true love and romance. I love Valentine’s Day for our women because it means we have nine more months before we have to be bombarded by constant reminders from Thanksgiving to Valentine’s Day of loving families who seem to be happy because they don’t have a gay husband in the mix. Ah, tomorrow is day one of those nine wonderful months of being able to work towards more healing. Look on that bright side!

Much love to my special women on this special day!   Love, Bonnie




Thursday, November 26, 2020

BONNIE KAYE'S STRAIGHT TALK NEWSLETTER - NOVEMBER 2020

 

NOVEMBER 2020     Volume 21, Issue 208
Bonnie’s Mantra: LIFE WAS NEVER MEANT TO BE THIS COMPLICATED. PERIOD.

SAY HIS NAME, SAY HIS NAME—GAY HUSBAND

One of my readers asked me to address the issue of revealing her husband’s homosexuality to other people when he specifically asked her not to do it. I think the majority of our women have been put in this most uncomfortable position of “keeping his secret." Do we owe this to our husbands? Is it really our secret to have to keep? I say NO with a resounding thunder. Why? Very simple. It’s not our secret to keep.

I remember during my marriage how isolated I felt. Part of that isolation was because my ex-husband alienated so many people out of our lives specifically MY friends and family. It was almost as if he could keep people away from me, I wouldn’t “slip” and tell them the truth. Quite honestly, I was scared to tell anyone the truth because if my ex would have found out, I would have been vilified and punished. He was never physically abusive, but he was very emotionally abusive knowing how to attack every weak point in my ego and then some. He was also very volatile. As I’ve said before, he liked to “shout me down to shut me up.” And he was quite successful at doing so.

So you may say, but after the marriage….well, after the marriage wasn’t much better in the early years. He would be leading his gay life while warning me to keep “mum” so no one else would know it—except for the numerous men he was sleeping with. It was no secret to them for sure. And so I suffered in silence with people who were imagining where “I” went wrong in the marriage. To some he seemed like such a great guy—like many of our ex-husbands. They can charm a snake and convince people they are faultless for the breakup of the marriage. In fact, they are usually the victims. Why did they leave us? Because we weren’t supportive enough or we didn’t clean the house well enough. They usually never take the responsibility, do they? It’s so much easier to shift the blame over to us especially when they explaining this to their families. And their families who looked at us as daughters now look at us through faulty vision based on the lies they are being told by our gay husbands. It’s a no win situation. If we keep their secret, we come out losing.

In a world that now sympathizes with the brave gay husbands who have sacrificed their “authentic lives” to do the “right thing” by staying in their marriages until their families were grown up--while wasting years of their wives’ sanity and sense of self-worth--I don’t see any point in having to keep that secret any longer. Why is it our job to keep silent when they can live their authentic lives at our expense? That doesn’t make sense.

Keeping his secret hurts one person—namely YOU. First of all, it puts you in a position of telling a lie on his behalf. That’s the kind of lie that will eat your soul out and make you sick. In many cases, your husbands will deny that they are gay and claim that you are making it up to get back at them. I say tell it anyway. In time, almost all of these men will live the life they want to lead even if it’s behind your back or when you’re not looking. If they are gay, they are going to act on it. Maybe in the beginning it could be just looking at gay porn, but it time, it will be acting on those urges that won’t go away. If  you think your gay husband isn’t having gay sex, well, then you are the one in a state of denial—not him.

I recently had a chat with one of our members the other day, and she insisted to me that her husband couldn’t possibly be cheating on her because she knows where he is at all times. I explained to her that these men can be with you at all times and still be cheating on you. I know that as a fact because I have worked with several thousand gay men over the 35 years that I’m doing this. Their stories are unbelievable.

For instance, one man I personally know told me how he always went shopping with his wife to a local national chain department store. She would go into the ladies department; he would tell her he’s trying on clothes in the men’s department. He would exit to the men’s department and meet up with someone in the dressing room (planned out ahead of the visit) and have one minute sex with the guy in the dressing room. This happened on multiple occasions.

Another man would tell me about his “dining experiences” in a large chain restaurant where he would go with his wife. She would be ordering dinner, and he would excuse himself to go outside to have a cigarette. He would meet up with a guy outside in the back of the restaurant, “relieve” himself, and go back to dinner as if nothing had happened.

One other man told me of his adventures in his HOUSE while his wife went shopping. He actually had men come over for what he described as a “quicky” in his marital bedroom and be done long before she came home.

These are true and validated stories. How does this happen? Easy. These guys have all kinds of apps to meet people for anonymous sex. They throw out the word that they are married men looking for fast fun—and they find it. And I know it works. A few years ago we had a healing weekend in Texas. We downloaded the app to try it out because we couldn’t believe it. We put out the word that we were a “married man” looking for fun with another man. Within five minutes, there were six responses ready to come to the hotel—no questions asked.

Getting back to my original point, you can feel free to tell anyone you want the real truth. You don’t need to keep a secret that is not yours to keep. Let people know the truth on why your marriage breaking up. It doesn’t take “two to tango” when you have a gay husband—it only takes one—the gay husband. PERIOD. Well, not exactly. This will take me to my next topic!

 

HOW MANY PEOPLE DOES IT TAKE TO BREAK UP A MARRIAGE?

Let’s talk about marriage for a moment. Actually, let’s first talk about straight marriages. Now I realize that most of my readers have a difficult time talking about this because they haven’t experienced it—so let me be the one to tell you about it based on my own experience and the experiences of others that we know.

They say that 50% of marriages with straight couples end in divorce in this country. There are numerous reasons why this happens which include:

1.    Marriage at a young age when you are unsure of who you are.

2.    Marriage at a young age when you are unsure of what you want.

3.    People aging and growing in different directions.

4.    People getting tired of each other or just fall out of love.

5.    Personality conflicts that develop more clearly.

6.    Financial problems that break people apart.

7.    Infidelity in a marriage.

8.    Addiction.

All of this factors into the loss of a straight marriage. As I tell women I work with in this situation that there doesn’t have to be a good partner and a bad partner—a marriage may not work with two good people just going in different directions. In every marriage there will be problems, but it doesn’t have to come down to blame and stacking up who has more right and wrong points to justify the end of a marriage.

However, when it comes to being married to a gay man, all of this changes. It doesn’t matter how young or how old you are when you get married. It doesn’t matter what his personality is or what yours is. All that matters is one thing—he is a gay man and you are a straight woman. That is the recipe for disaster.

I hate when I first meet women who are internalizing what they did wrong in the marriage or what they could have done “better.” I also understand why they feel this way. Their husbands have been training them for years to believe that his frustrations and their problems in the marriage were the result of her—not him. Women start analyzing what they could have done differently in the marriage. This is where I have to “knock some sense” into them to make them realize that nothing would have changed the end result.

Men tell me a whole list of excuses for the failure of the marriage—not of which, by the way, is the gay factor. They say:

1.    We married too young – No, it’s because you are gay.

2.    We’ve grown apart – No, it’s because you are gay.

3.    My wife isn’t supportive to me – No, it’s because you are gay.

4.    My wife isn’t interested in sex – No, it’s because you are gay AND you’ve done nothing to make her feel sexually wanted (I have to add that)

5.    My wife is always depressed – Yes, because you are gay.

6.    My wife is always suspicious – Yes, because you are cheating on her.

7.    My wife is always accusing me of being unfaithful – Yes, because you are.

The list could go on indefinitely, but you get the point.

True, I became a different person from living with my gay husband. I was a strong and independent woman when I married him. How strong was I? In 1970 – 1979,I was the a local leader and later national director of a of an activist/militant Jewish organization fighting against neo-Nazis and Nazi War Criminals. I spent ten years getting arrested, jumping barricades, getting thrown down steps, hit by bottles—yes, I was strong. When I met my gay husband, I was charmed by his good looks, sense of humor, intelligence, and charisma. His strength drew me to him because I wanted a man I could lean on. I came to learn that his strength was that of a bully—always having to get his way or screaming and shouting. It didn’t happen for a while. He didn’t display any fits of anger prior to our marriage. After all, he was an excellent actor. He had been performing his whole life pretending to be a straight man.

We married much too soon. He was desperate for stability, and I believed whatever little faults I had noticed could be “cured” by the love and security he was so desperate for. I had come out of a previous bad marriage and was looking for someone to love. He came from an unstable family and suffered as a result of that. He sure knew how to get me to feel sorry for him.  He had that vulnerable side that always sucked me in even after I escaped his mistreatment of me long after the marriage was over. I think these men target women like us who are caring and compassionate knowing that no matter what, we will still be there for them when the truth comes out.

We were only married for a short time—five years--which produced two children. I suspected his homosexuality two years into the marriage, but by that time, I was pregnant with my second child and since he was adamant he wasn’t gay, I let it go. He was not adamant that he wasn’t bisexual. By year three, when he confessed to me that he had a “moment of weakness” with some younger guy, and after I went and vomited in the toilet for a number of days, I stated to him that I was willing to “bargain.” Here were my terms: If you could disappear once every six months and not let me know about it—and if you are willing to be with someone of age limit—I CAN LIVE WITH THAT. Silly me. Imagine bargaining with a gay man!! Well, at that time what I thought was a “bisexual” man.

Why bisexual? Because he was married to me. He had sex with me. Maybe it wasn’t much and maybe it wasn’t great, but it was still sex and that wasn’t something a gay man couldn’t do, right? Wrong. But no one was out there telling me that at the time long before technology had kicked in.

Did I change? Yes. I became suspicious every time he walked out the door wondering when that “once every six months” was going to be not realizing it would become more like once every six days. I would suspect the crime was being committed each time he left for any parts unknown. Was he always walking out to cheat on me? No—but I know that he was a lot of the time.

I began to recognize the signs. He would shave, dress up, wear cologne, and “look” like he was going out on a date—even when he was going to the “gym,” the biggest pick up places for gay men. Yes, straight gyms. Steam baths with other “straight” men who had male indiscretions—but they weren’t gay either. Gosh, I was so lost.

In1980, there was no realistic information at all out there even if you could find it. People believed that gay could be a choice you could make. I believed it. I believed that if I would try harder, clean better, lose weight, cook more, be more supportive, be less jealous (of nothing so he claimed), then maybe he could be a “better husband.”

I was a prisoner running around the “circle of crazy.” He was cheating on me regularly, but I didn’t confirm this until after the marriage when he told it to me in a joking, bragging way. Yes, he had many a conquest of “quickies” in convenient places from the gym to our bedroom when I wasn’t home. This man had no boundaries. If he gave me anything, it was the truth after the marriage was over. But not because I DESERVED IT, but because he thought he got away with something time and again. This is the sign of a true sociopath.

Getting back to my point, I did become a different person while living this nightmare. I didn’t know who I was anymore and either did my family and friends. I had been isolated from them by my ex who made sure to have a fight with me every time someone was visiting us for fear I might tell one of them my suspicions about his secret. They just didn’t want to come to see me anymore for fear of being caught in the crossfire.

 I begged him to go to counseling with me, but he refused. He told me if I needed counseling, I could go—as long as I never discussed my “suspicions” with the counselor. If he found out that I did, he would leave and take the children. At that point, I was so beaten down. He had total control of all of our money. I rarely had more than a dollar in my wallet—another form of control.

It’s funny. My ex fell madly in love with a younger man, Billy, two years after we split up. I really believe he was truly enamored with this guy. It was different than all of his other hookups. He was obsessed. Billy stayed with him for a couple of years on and off. I had a number of interactions with him because the children would visit their father a couple of times a year. I found it so amazing that he treated Billy the same way he treated me. Not at first—but once he had him. This young man would commiserate with me about the way my ex treated him—the same way he treated me. Never believe these guys with personality disorders change even when they start leading their new “authentic lives.” They don’t. They can’t. They don’t want to.

Today, nearly 40 years later, things have changed. Women have access to information. The Internet is scattered with stories of women who have been married to gay men. I have had my website up for 20 years and had over 560,000 hits for information. Today when women want to learn about this disaster—it is out there. And yet, the truth is still so hard to believe. We still try to bargain with our realities. My heart aches each week when women contact me looking for some false hope that I can’t give them. When women with “bisexual” husbands ask me if their husbands can truly be bisexual and just not cheat on them, what can I tell them? I tell them maybe it’s possible, but in nearly 40 years, I haven’t seen it happen yet. That’s me—the voice of “doom and gloom” or rather honesty and tough love.

When I talk to women who lived with their gay husbands for 10, 20, 30, 40 and 50 plus years, my heart breaks for them. Living a life time of deceit and always wondering what you are doing wrong to create it is a painful way to live. Some women are beaten down like I was. They don’t have the courage to take their lives back. I was lucky that my ex walked out in anger leaving me with two babies and $50.00. I had no car, no phone, and no self-esteem at that point. He thought he would teach me a lesson so that when he came home, I’d be so happy to have him back that I would give in to his (as my sister calls them) SHENANGANS. Ah, no such luck. In that one week I didn’t weaken—I found my former inner strength. And as scared as I was to be broke with no job or minimal resources, I found the strength to say NO when he returned a week later. But being honest—if he would not have left for that week, who knows how long I would have stayed in that state of fear and hopelessness? Maybe I would have been one of those heartbreaking stories of suffering for another 20 years or more.

People tell me that I am one of the strongest women they know. Hardly. I am one of the luckiest women they know because my ex left me and  after five years and gave me the chance to find myself again. I tell you my own story so you should never second guess yourself or blame yourself for staying longer than you should have. Never blame yourself for hoping against hope that you imagination was running away with you. Never beat yourself up for wondering why it took you so long to see the truth. We are good-hearted, loving women who try to find the best in the worst or at least the not-best situation. We need to stop blaming ourselves for any of the problems in our marriages. Any mistakes we made were directly due to the way we were treated and ripped down either passively or aggressively. We became different women than we were when we entered the marriage, and those traits that are husbands created were the ones that our husbands complained about. We were too “needy,” “suspicious” or “jealous.” I wonder why. We have nothing to feel ashamed about. No one has the right to judge us for how long we stayed or why we stayed. It’s bad enough we lived through this experience. No apologies or explanations are ever needed to anyone—including yourself!

MY HOLIDAY MESSAGE FROM 2016

I wrote a holiday message four years ago that I will repeat in this newsletter. The sentiments are the same.  I know this is such a tough time of year for so many of our straight wives, so I hope this article will help you.

 

IN THE HOLIDAY SPIRIT….

Ladies, I’d like to wish you a holiday season. It would be a little silly to say “Happy” holiday season to the many of you who would feel I’m being sarcastic or insensitive during the worst months of each year.

For those of you who are still suffering in your marriages built on illusions and mirrors, there is no real happiness to talk about. Your future is in limbo, and you know that any moment your husband walks out the door some shoe can fall on your head.

For those of you who are newly divorced, this will be your most difficult year yet. All of those holiday traditions you celebrated together are no longer there. And as much as people like me advise you to “start new traditions” and give you “tips” for getting through the holiday, let’s be for real—it’s never, ever that simple.

For those of you in the early years of Gay Husband Recovery, memories of what you thought was yours forever will do the dance of the sugar plum fairies in your brain—no pun intended. They just make you wonder on what was real or not real for those years.

For those of you who are further into your recovery and still struggling with “issues” that create residual feelings of PTSD when certain triggers remind you of what you had, lost, or never had and lost—this is the time to expect those feelings to rise to the surface.

No matter what phase you are in, we are all struggling in this game of either GIVE ME BACK MY LIFE AS IT USED TO BE, or when you realize that won’t happen--TAKE BACK MY LIFE SO I CAN MOVE AHEAD. Unfortunately those pictures being shoved in our face every day and everywhere of families living out our fantasies that we believed to be our realities really tips our boat over making us feel like we are drowning or tilts the pin ball machine in our brain with bright lights until we are screaming “Tilt, Tilt.”

Personally, I think the holidays are a time we don’t have to be happy or even pretend to be happy. We’re not going to fool ourselves for sure. Maybe we can fool others around us, but do we need to do that? Do we need to pretend that our feelings aren’t really that important? Do we need to feel any more “minimized” than we already do?

Being in or ending a marriage to a gay man—whether he is open, in the closet, or somewhere in between—is a traumatic life event. Your investment of time and love into a no-win situation is your reality. In most cases, knowing that your husband was “exploring” his sexuality while lying next to you while he was lying to you and blaming you for the mishaps along the way is something you have to process. In over 20% of the cases of women who come to me, they have the received a gift from their gay husband’s indiscretions that never goes away—namely an STD that will last forever in some cases. And if that isn’t enough to kick you in the gut, people are praising him for being “brave” for coming out. Hello….what about us??? Is anyone praising us for the years we devoted to our family trying to be superwomen in hopes that our husbands would want us? Is anyone marching on a special day saying, “We are proud to be Straight Wives”? Do we get a special day of recognition or a movie about our pain?

And what about how we are portrayed by the media? First we had Brokeback Mountain that portrayed the two wives of gay men as idiots. Now we get a Netflix dramoedy with a real-life older out lesbian playing a straight wife. Oh—we also had Fran Drescher playing Nanny to her gay ex-husband on their double dates and a few Mormon women on TLC talking about how they are happy to marry their gay boyfriends. Is it any wonder that our ex gay husbands are the heroes? There is nothing real about how the media portrays our struggle—we appear as stupid bimbos who should have known better.

Yep. I’m angry. But I’m not bitter. There’s a line that separates them. A few people call me bitter—but that’s not the case. My life moved on, and I am living happily ever after. I’m angry because too many of you still suffering. Bitter would mean that I’m encouraging our women to stay angry. I don’t encourage it at all—but I do acknowledge it. I will validate every raw feeling that you have and make sure that you take absolutely NO RESPONSIBILITY for the demise of your marriage. I will not accept any man telling me, “Well, it wouldn’t have worked out even if I were straight.” That’s what I call denial. They just don’t get it because gay men don’t think straight. They don’t get that the way that you act is in response to the way they treat you.

Most of our women are wonderful women who want to be wonderful wives. Yes, some of us come from situations where there were “issues,” but that doesn’t mean that we can’t be wonderful wives—if we have wonderful husbands to nurture us and help us thrive. When we live a daily life of lies, confusion, and blame, we become different people. We become fearful, co-dependent, and suspicious because we are living someone else’s lie. This is the true shame of the holidays when you are a straight wife.

So, my message to you is to “just get through it.” It’s going to be a rough time until mid-February when all of those loving holidays are finally gone. Until then, it will be one reminder after another of what you thought you had but don’t have.

One of the reasons I get bummed out around this time of year is because I do know what’s ahead. I know that within the next 4 weeks or so, I am going to be meeting dozens of new women who will be hearing the news they never wanted to hear. This is the time of year that many married gay men wait for to tell their wives. They don’t want to louse up the holidays for the family, so they hang in there until January 1st or shortly thereafter. No comment. I’ll just be waiting for them.

Maybe it’s not the best time of the year for many Straight Wives—but it is a psychological time of renewal when January 1st comes along. The worst of the holiday season is behind us so things can get back on track. I was going to say “normalize,” but that would be misleading, wouldn’t it?

To all of my straight sisters, I wish you pleasant holidays. I am here for anyone who needs support. Just email me! I’m here for you!!

Love, Bonnie Heart Love Red - Free vector graphic on Pixabay