Thursday, July 31, 2014

August Newsletter! Bonnie Kaye Straight Talk

Bonnie Kaye’s Straight Talk Newsletter
AUGUST 2014     Volume 15, Issue 155
Bonnie’s Mantras:
Help support Bonnie’s mission to help women and men in pain. Purchase her books from her website at

My next healing weekend will be in Los Angeles, California. It will take place on September 20/21. If you are interested in receiving details, please write to me at and write "California Info" in the subject box. Our healing weekends are a place where women can meet, share, bond--and never even say a word--but you'll want to! We will also have some wonderful guest speakers to inspire you in your future paths of recovery!

Please like my new FB page at Bonnie Kaye, Author. Thanks!

Many of us who live in or come out of mis-marriages to gay men have lots of untangling to do after the emotional and sometimes physical abuse of living for years with lies and deception. As a result, some of us go through the condition called Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

Mary Ann Glynn, a therapist who appears on my show several times a year, has recently released a new app that she developed called "Mind Warrior." She states:

For those caught in a relationship with a sociopath, the brain’s response to the ongoing trauma puts us in “survival mode” and we can lose our grip on the ability to cope (choose positive and healthy ways of feeling).  Indeed, we can be stuck in the cycle of abuse and deception, which produces feelings of confusion, unsafety, self-doubt, and hyper vigilance, so that our ability to focus our attention on our needs or even be connected to ourselves fades.  Then we begin to break down, unravel, and lose ourselves.
Recognizing that the reaction in the present as basically triggering a flashback is very empowering!  It starts to put us back in the driver’s seat.  The beauty of consciously addressing the trauma of being in a destructive relationship in a strange way forces us to heal any connected underlying trauma as well.

Mind Warrior™ helps you do exactly that.  It takes you through the steps of recognizing and connecting to the trigger.  It then provides a variety of ways to take action to move along the negative feeling state and feel better.  As you practice this you realize that you can better control those conditioned responses and flashbacks, care for and recover yourself faster, all the while strengthening your coping skills instead of continuing to lose them.  The connection to self prevents further loss of self and builds the self-esteem and strength you need to go forward in a positive way.
Mind Warrior™ has features that promote the focused attention that increases neuroplasticity, and keeps you on track and encouraged:
  1. Trigger, Assess and Take Action pages take you through the steps to connect to the trigger, take action and track it to a better place
  2. Substance and Compulsive Behavior Trigger page can help to keep you from being lured back into the relationship, or resorting to addictive behaviors.
  3. Daily Focus page helps visualize and plan your day ahead with awareness and control.
  4. Weekly Review page helps to view success, plan for the week ahead, and stay focused.
  5. Lifestyle Goals page helps plan for goals for overall well-being.
  6. History saves all input so you can track your progress.
  7. Email Option – you can email any inputted information to connect to others, to begin to come out of the isolation of being in a destructive relationship.  You can also email input to a therapist or sponsor to aid therapy and reach your goals.
To learn more about Mind Warrior, you can go to the FB page and please click "Like"! or you can purchase it from the iTunes App Store or Google Play.

Mary Ann will be my guest next Sunday night, August 10th. If you would like to learn more about this inexpensive method of getting help for yourself when you just can't afford to go to a therapist, please tune in. Here is the link to the show. Just copy it into your browser on the night of the broadcast or following it. Airtime is 10 p.m. EST.

Let's be honest--the overwhelming majority of us are in the helping profession. It's no accident as I've stated many times. Last week, Dr. Karin Huffer appeared on my Straight Wives Talk Show. She is an amazing international authority on advocacy for people with disabilities who have to go to court for many different issues. The great thing that Dr. Huffer revealed is that when you come out of a marriage with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, this is accepted as a disability, so you qualify to have a trained advocate with you in court as you go through the process. For many of our women, this is a new field that you can get certified in through Kings College which offers the course.

The six-week online course starting in September is held on Thursday afternoons for three hours and can be accessed from any computer. The cost includes the book and materials. You get a certificate and a badge for court when you complete the course.

Wouldn't it be wonderful if straight wives could get certified and help other straight wives in court? Dr. Huffer was amazing. She speaks all over the world on behalf of those who can't speak for themselves. Please listen to the program that aired last week. Here is the link to the show that you can cut and paste into your browser.

If you sign up for the course early, you get a nice discount. People from all walks of life take this course, and if you are in the helping field, it would be excellent for you. Write to me if you need more information or to Dr. Huffer at: if you would like to take part now or in the future classes.


This has been a very difficult month for me--thanks to my wonderful, dedicated, and loving readers who responded to my request to answer two letters sent to me by two different gay husbands. My heart hurt for you more this month than ever as I read over 87 responses from around the world. I don't think I've had this kind of "concentrated anger" in all my years of working with straight wives. It really brought me down to crying on some days. Why? Because when I read the letters you sent to me, and I added up all of the years of unhappiness, confusion, and self-erosion, it came to hundreds and hundreds of collective years. Years that you will never be able to get back. Years that you could have had a man who loved you for being a woman. Years of living in the darkness of your husbands' closets. How could I not be sad? I will be sharing some of these letters in my newsletters this month and next month. I will be sharing segments of all of your letters in a document I put together. When it is completed in the fall, I'll offer it to each and every one of you. Thank you for having the courage to articulate so beautifully what your husbands/ex-husbands need to know. And here we go!

You knew when you married her that you had experienced same sex attraction, did you tell her before you married her? I am guessing you did not and, if you did, you presented just as you did above – as something everyone does to see what kind of sex they like. In your 20s your sexual orientation had already begun to alter the relationship and damage your wife’s self esteem. You indicate she was dissatisfied with the frequency of sex and she brought up more than once; how many times would have gotten your attention? She gave up. Think about this, you are Gay, you didn’t want to have sex with a woman, no matter how fond you were of her. So, every time she wanted sex, you didn’t. As a woman we are taught men always want sex. Her husband didn’t. She brought it up, apparently you didn’t. Her conclusion would have been that she was not desirable. In a way, she wasn’t desirable, at least not to you, her sex partner. Every time you looked at her you would have had a slightly disappointed look. When she wanted sex your look might have even been disdain or revulsion. Maybe the look was quick but I guarantee she caught it and it was devastating. Of course you grew apart, by 30 having a husband who doesn’t want to have sex with her had destroyed her sexual self. No wonder your “I love you’s” were a quick peck, she could probably read the relief on your face and may have felt grateful you would even allow her repellant self that close. You may have been living the American Dream but your wife was living in a hell that you and your lies constructed, and then you started to drink to numb your pain. What about your family’s pain and confusion? You let your wife and family believe that alcohol killed your relationship and you’re still trying to convince yourself the alcohol was at fault. You are even considering letting that myth survive a divorce in which you are leaving for another man.

The logic of your comment that if you had to give up your happiness to be a good husband she had to pay the price of you staying eludes me. Did she know what she was buying? No she did not, because you had not told her. When your pain became unbearable you started to cheat and you cheated a lot. Then when you met Mr. Right you realized your marriage was over.

Why would you need to be honest now? How will she ever recover from what you’ve done to her if she doesn’t even know what happened. Oh yeah, you really don’t care about her happiness or you would’ve been honest 23 years ago and let her know what she needed to know to maybe find some happiness herself.
It’s also time for honesty and ownership of what you’ve done. You didn’t choose to be Gay but you did choose this path, and you need to do everything in your power to fix it. She will be angry. Narcissus, you’ve been lying to her and cheating on her and, assuming she hasn’t been cheating on you, you have deprived her of 25 years of a Straight relationship with someone who desired her, someone who thought she was sexy rather than a burden. The price you have to pay for 25 years of avoiding the emotions is to experience them now. Practice the phrase “I am sorry; I did this to you; I should have told you; you didn’t deserve this; this is all my fault.” Say it to her repeatedly, say it every time she is sad, angry, anxious, bewildered, and certainly say it when she is devastated. You did this, you must pay the piper.

Why didn’t you tell her as soon as you began to struggle with your sexuality in the marriage? We both know it was because you were afraid she would leave you. Now that you have the man of your dreams, you don’t need her anymore. Lucky you, she’ll probably continue to mother your children. You know that feeling you feel about your guy? She felt that about you and you disappeared, first into a glass of alcohol, then into a bar, then into a Gay bar, and now you’re about to disappear into another relationship. You wanted to be her husband and live the life of a Gay single at the same time, so here’s your chance, give her everything but the debts. Continue to pay for everything, treat her well and with kindness. It is time for you to make both the sacrifice and amends.  Patti
Dear Bonnie,
I would encourage all gay men who are married to be honest with their wives. It is the absolute right thing to do. It will help give her closure the validation she deserves. She has spent some years with you  dedicated to you and her family. She has felt rejected day after day year after year. Rejected as a woman. Her self esteem has been shattered. Even though she probably does not approach you for sex any longer she knows you don't want her and she believes something is wrong with her. She knows something is not right in the marriage but just does not know what it is and she spends all her time trying to make things right. If you knew the pain you have already caused her would you want her pain to continue. As you leave to live your new life it would only be selfish not to allow her to do the same.

I was unknowingly married to a gay man for 22 years. He never had the courage to tell me the truth. At the end of our marriage I did question him and he broke all contact with me.  After 22 years he cut me out of his life like I was nothing. I know he never loved me but I at least thought we were friends. I had to accept that it was all a lie. It was so hard to understand after all the years we were together.

I did think of him and how hard it must have been for him to live
 me all those years when he could not have real love feelings towards a woman.

I think it broke both of us living this lie. He knew it was a lie. I did not know. I don't know how he can truly live an authentic life without complete honesty.

I believe he came out to himself but only to himself he will never admit the truth to me or his family.

It would have helped the healing process if he could have been honest but instead he blamed me for everything wrong in his life.

I pray that we can both find peace.


Thank you. . . thank you. . for  that you do.  I apologize but I had to stop reading because as usual, it brought memories, sadness, confusion, and an over-abundance of emotions and tears and internal pain to me.  I began reading and thinking, "I" can do what Bonnie is asking and I can help.  Reading the first gay husband statement about how he now realizes he must have caused his wife such sadness, pain, and confusion broke me down.  Every day I get up with the intention of being "me" and being strong and being an advocate for myself and other women, but then the pain comes again and the memories that just flood me.  Those words brought so much overwhelmed feelings to me.  I am grateful to the gay man who wrote them but it brings back pain  . . concealment. . . lies. . deception. . confusion. . pain (internal, physical, and emotional). . . and brings back that feeling of being trapped. . . wanting to believe, wanting to love, wanting to be loyal, wanting a family, and just knowing in my gut that life would only get worse for the children and I if I ever left.  

I am so grateful that there are gay men willing to step up, speak, realize, and understand. . . but it takes a very unique gay man.  I can not go in to the memory vault and I can never relive the words and actions that kept me feeling so trapped but I can say it has been a long life of emotional torture since a young age that has brought me such physical pain and emotional pain. . . but more importantly my children as well. . . OUR children.  

I want to speak to gay men.  I want them to understand.  I want them to know me and know truly what it did to me.  I refuse to be angry for their homosexuality.  I am a firm believer that everyone deserves to love who they choose and that homosexuality is NOT wrong because it is who they are. . . but it is all about the treatment, the lies, the deception, the narcissism, and the emotional abuse and more.  Today I still firmly believe  I would take endless punches to one emotional blow from my gay ex-husband. . . the threats, the intimidation, the put-downs, the confusion, and the latent (and many times obvious) innuendos about what would be done to me and the children if I left, and, of course, the many "I am not gay, I love you, you are the best wife in the world, you are just crazy and making things up in your mind again" remarks.  All of this became an internal battle for me -- mind, body, soul . . . head telling me one thing, body feeling the pain, and gut telling me another.  End result: Confusion, illness, pain, sadness, and much, much more.  
Please Bonnie, reach out to these men.  Teach them.  Guide them.  Support them.  Make them understand. But more importantly, help the women and children who are victims in this.  I love you for all that you do and the person that you are and I do feel confident that if there is anyone in the world that can give guidance it is you!!!!
Love you.  Aimee

Hi Bonnie 

I have been reading your newsletter for over 2 years now and it has been a lifesaver, I mean that quite literally. I seriously thought I was the only one and knowing that others have gone through the same trauma has helped enormously and I have learned so much from other women's experiences. I have never felt I needed to contribute my experience until this newsletter but I would like to send a message to the two men you mention. 

I was 62 when my husband announced he was gay and was leaving; I am 64 now. We were married for 30 years and I knew something was amiss but I didn't know what. I had come to the conclusion that he was slightly autistic and could not demonstrate closeness in a relationship. When he told me he was gay all the jigsaw pieces that were my marriage fell into place and I understood immediately what had been wrong. In some ways it was a relief but I was ill prepared for the aftermath. When you split up from a heterosexual relationship you can hold the preceding years as good. When your partner tells you he is gay he obliterates your shared past. It is gone and no amount of reassurance can ever convince you otherwise.

In many ways my husband was a good partner. He was affectionate, caring and supportive. In some ways this only made it worse and if he had been abusive then I might have bailed sooner. This in no way minimises the horrendous tales of physical and mental abuse that I have read in your newsletters and maybe I would not have bailed and simply survived as any of your contributors had to do. 

My message to the two men is very simple. Everyone is entitled to the truth about their life and to be enabled to make an informed decision about what they may or may not want to do. Any deviation from this can never be interpreted in any other way than exceptionally selfish and will not and cannot be seen as protective or caring. The longer they leave their wives in ignorance, the more damage they will do. However difficult their own lives have been they were always operating from a position of strength as they knew the truth. This may be difficult to understand. Ignorance is not bliss, it is dis-empowering and damaging. I am not sure I will ever recover totally, I have a daily and possibly a permanent battle to hold on to some truth about my relationship with my ex. It morphs and shifts depending on my mood. My ex feels we should be friends and that he did and does love me. What errant nonsense, if he did he would never have used my precious time in this way. I of course never loved him as he hid himself from me and the person I loved simply didn't exist. 

Man up, own up, it is the only moral road. All else is cowardice. As for the fears about the divorce worries there if my experience is anything to go by. You would think that they had some sense of reparation and feel that they owe their wives something if only money, but apparently not.   Leslie

Hi Bonnie
 What an interesting July News Letter and I am eager to put forward my thoughts in an email to you on the two letters from the gay husbands, as I am sure many of your other readers will be too. 

So here goes !  I will try and sound positive and not sound too bitter when it comes to my thoughts. 
If I were to put myself in their shoes I can see why they do it.  They have so much to lose, both financially and emotionally.  However, what happened to moral ethics.  It is so very wrong for one human being to be so cruel to another human whom they are suppose to love.   More importantly many times these men are putting their wives' health at risk by having clandestine meetings with other gay men that they know nothing about for sex and then sleeping with their wives.   Then there is the psychological damage they do to their wives' self esteem and confidence.   Women are very sensitive to emotional withdrawal and changes to their husband's persona.  When you love someone as much as we women love our husbands it destroys us when our emotional and physical love is not reciprocated and is withdrawn from us and we have no idea why things have changed.  To experience that is mental torture.  We lie awake at night blaming ourselves, wondering what we are doing wrong.   

When I think back on the last 15 years of my marriage, prior to my coming to my senses and taking on board what you told me eight years prior,  I cannot help but wonder how different life would have been if he had done the right thing by me and not for himself.  People say to me that if I had ended the marriage the day I discovered the gay porn etc., I would have missed out on numerous happy occasions with him.   I agree, but, I would have been young enough to have met someone else and perhaps my life would be more fulfilling.  But instead I suffered the ups and downs of my husband going in and out of moods where he was fighting the urges to meet men for sex.  In addition I would now have found myself in my early 50s with the prospects of possibly being on my own for the rest of my life with no one to grow old with.  

Would it not be more honest, and selfless,  not to waste another human being's life for your own selfish reasons.  I can only talk from my own experience here but I am sure others will see something of themselves in this.   If my husband had had the courage or the moral obligation to be honest with me that he is gay and prefers men to me then  I could have moved on with my life.  But he kept assuring me that he wanted to grow old with me and that he did not want the gay life.  He acknowledges now that "he wanted his cake and to eat it too" even though eventually it was to the expense of wasting all the years we were together.  Our whole marriage was a sham.   If I could turn back the clock to that fateful day I would have preferred my husband to have just been honest with me and to have encouraged me, albeit it would have been a devastating blow, to move on with my life without him. 

So  yes I think these men should think of their wives first and not themselves.  Yes OK their wives are going to be absolutely distraught and devastated initially.  However, is it not better to end things whilst they are still young enough to make a new life with someone else than let things go on until the wife is left with no self esteem or  confidence and has also lost the trust in having another relationship w
ith a man. 

With kindest regards      

Ok, here is my two cents!! The wife deserves to know why her marriage isn't working. She deserves to know that the demise of the marriage is not her fault!! The wife deserves to feel period. Stand up and own what and who you have become and let the cards fall where they may. If you are worried about someone making a fuss then grow up. Being gay is not your fault but you have to own up to the circumstances and let your wife and family grieve the loss of the life they probably always wanted. If you are worried about the people finding out that your gay then get over it, you are. To me, if u want to get divorced first so your wife doesn't rake u over the coals in a divorce than that is selfish. It's also selfish if you

Don't want to hurt her, guess what, it's already too late. You have been hurting her already and you want to keep her in the dark just so u can be happy! She deserves to be happy too!! 

Bonnie it's really hard to be nice!! These are my thoughts. I feel that all of these guys listening to the other gay men are just cowards. Tara

Thank you, ladies, for your kind words. More will be printed in the September newsletter. Now, to end on a positive note!!!

A woman who is part of our support network wrote to me that her life has moved on after almost 40 years. I know so many of our women are afraid to take that step after being in a relationship for 20, 30, 40 or more years. It is scary--and you've had lots of time to lose yourselves in the process.

I asked this woman if she could write a note of encouragement to women who have been in long-term relationships. I think her words will help many of you.

Movin' On
As we go together to the courthouse, shove the papers across the window to the clerk, she gives us a startled look. "You've been married a very long time," she observes. "Almost 40 years," I reply. After turning the papers in, we shake hands--first time we have touched in six months. That morning, we sat together at the bank, disentangling our checking accounts. We go back to the house after filing the divorce papers, and he naps on the couch while I repose in the spare bedroom. We wake up, and I say, "Let's go out to dinner." We head out, and I treat him to a celebratory "beginning of the end of marriage" dinner.

I spend the night on my friend Susan's comfortable couch. Back I go to the house the next morning. "Time to get the wedding ring cut off," he announces. We traipse down to the jewelry store where three years ago I got a new fancy wedding ring. His wedding band is plain gold, but it was my grandmother's wedding band from 1914, engraved on the inside of the ring. She wore it for fifty years, and he has worn it for almost forty.
It cuts his finger when he pulls it off, blood following the ring. He solemnly hands it back to me. I slip it into my purple wallet. He dabs at the blood with his handkerchief. He takes me out to lunch. Our uncoupling officially started six months ago, when I went to the desert southwest by myself for the winter. This is our first separation ever, at least physically. Our emotional separation is much longer. At least 20 least. But we used to be happy, loving, and best friends. What happened?

Twenty years ago he had surgery for prostate cancer. It was a huge turning point in our
marriage. Our sex life before that had been okay, not great. I almost always initiated it. I knew he didn't seem to like sex as much as I did. But the result of the prostate cancer surgery, permanent impotence, proved to be a huge test for both of us. Neither of us passed that test.

Unbeknownst to me, he turned to watching gay videos. About five and a half years ago, I found them--almost 400 of them! He tried to tell me it wasn't a big deal, it was just a "collection." Then I found gay books. Gay books on the bookshelf. Gay books on his phone. He grew even less affectionate than he had been, and he was never very affectionate. He didn't like to hug or kiss. He rejected any advances, almost recoiled. I was hurt, angry and frustrated, while trying to remain true to my wedding vows and understand his frustration as a sexually impotent male.

At that point I found Bonnie on the Internet, but I still wasn't ready to leave the marriage. Several things happened in the past year to push me to make that decision. One of our adult sons discovered the gay videos (he really wasn't hiding them!) and confronted him about being a closeted gay man. He refused to discuss it at all, which led to a permanent estrangement between them. (Their relationship had been strained anyway.)
And I had left the house one day for about 10 minutes and came back to find him watching gay porn on the computer. He acted as if it wasn't a big deal. What did he do if I was gone for a couple of hours? A couple of days? I was hurt and angry all over again.

He started getting into arguments with our friends, and being withdrawn or negative at social events. I wonder now if he was trying to push me away?
So I left for six months, a trial separation. We didn't talk, only emailed. This was hard, because, like many of you, he had been my best friend once, and I missed him. Or I missed what we used to have together, or what I thought we had together. It's not simple, or clear-cut. These mixed emotions are quite normal.

Two weeks after I left, a guy I had grown up with got in touch with me. We hadn't seen each other since we were kids. We talked on the phone for hours and hours (we live in different states) and decided to get together to see how it would be in person. He was great! He is straight! And what a huge difference! He wants to hold my hand, and hug me. We enjoy many of the same activities, and want to see each other again. It's developed into a serious relationship.

The divorce will be final in a few weeks, and I am moving on. There is always hope, and you don't know what's at the other end. It takes courage, resolve, and a little help from your friends, but even after forty years, there is light on the other side. So, get a move on, Straight Sister s! It will get better!

Love, A Straight Sister!

Have a peaceful month!

Love, Bonnie

Tuesday, July 1, 2014


Bonnie Kaye’s Straight Talk Newsletter
JULY 2014     Volume 15, Issue 154

Bonnie’s Mantras:

Help support Bonnie’s mission to help women and men in pain. Purchase her books from her website at

My next healing weekend will be in Los Angeles, California. It will take place on September 20/21. If you are interested in receiving details, please write to me at and write "California Info" in the subject box. Our healing weekends are a place where women can meet, share, bond--and never even say a word--but you'll want to! We will also have some wonderful guest speakers to inspire you in your future paths of recovery!

Please like my new FB page at Bonnie Kaye, Author. Thanks!

Many of you wrote to me waiting for the June newsletter which never came. One reason is because I decided to change the date of the newsletters from mid-month to the first of the month due to my time constraints. The second reason was because I decided to change the direction of the June newsletter. For the past few years, I have been sharing stories from gay men who are part of this network meaning they have come to me for help or support in coming out to their wives. Their stories have been so helpful to us in helping us come to terms with our own marriages and realizing that these men tried their best not to be gay, but they ultimately couldn't help who they are. They didn't marry us to make us miserable but rather to validate their own lives and hopes that loving us enough would take away those male attractions. In the end, it is what it is. A mess.

I've decided this year that I've published enough stories over the past four years of men's stories on why they took the marriage road with us. They are wonderful for new men who come to me for understanding, and I send them out to women who question why their husbands "chose" homosexuality over their families. As you come to understand homosexuality, you will realize this is not just about sex--it's about who a person is. Homosexuality is not just a sexual act--it's the entire make up of a person--and it is different than straight. Once you accept that, you'll be able to understand my philosophy that "gay men don't think straight." They are gay. I don't think gay. I'm straight. That doesn't mean better--it just means different. The men who sit home and torture you can't be honest to you because they won't be honest with themselves. I don't care how they touch you, feel you, tell you how they love you, or have sex with you. If they want a penis--that is the dividing line for me. Gay. Yes, to me it is black and white. Confusing to some of you--but definitely clear to me. Penis. Gay. Period.

I listened to over 2,000 men in the past 30 years. I do understand their struggle and their battle. I support any man who wants to do the right thing--which is come out to you and tell you the truth. Of course, this is a battle sometimes because some men don't believe that telling the truth is the "best thing to do."

I am now asking those of you who would like to volunteer to help me convince these men that telling the truth to your wife is the least they can do. When I send men letters, I always explain the importance of:
1. Honesty
2. Responsibility
3. Doing this the right way

Some men listen to what I have to say. But I think that some prefer not to believe me and think I'll approve of them keeping the "secret" from you. I won't. Period. I am going to now share two different letters I recently received that are typical of letters I received from gay men throughout the year. I need your input in what you would like these men to know as far as being a straight wife. This won't be easy for you because you need to put "personal feelings" meaning anger and cursing on the side and instead answer with "emotional impact" statements that might get the point across.

I want to be able to share with men who write to me your deep feelings of hurt and devastation in a way that they will "get it." Believe it or not, sometimes it does matter. For example, one man who was dating a gay married man recently wrote to me that:
I have just spent all morning reading your articles and going over your Website  - you are truly remarkable for your courage and conviction.

I was being so selfish - enjoying the passion and excitement of having this affair and not considering 'the wife'. I justified it for a while - thinking 'she must know, and perhaps she gets enough out of the marriage (children, money, lifestyle, etc) that she is accepting. But now after reading your material, I feel like a fool. She must be harboring such confusion, and perhaps even deep sadness. 

I like getting letters from what I call "Other Men" because it is easier most of the time to work with them to realize how much hurt they are causing an unsuspecting wife. By the time the other man writes to me (a few dozen every year), your gay husband is usually cheating on him as well.  
I will reprint two letters that I received during 2014 anonymously with you from two of the husbands who asked me for help:


From this past February:

Dear Bonnie,
I have been married for 24 years to a wonderful woman. When I married her, I believed we would live together and die together because I loved her so much. Yes, I did have attractions to certain males but I believed that was normal for teenage guys. One time an uncle molested me at the age of 14 and told me it's normal for all men to experiment--that way they would know what kind of sex they really wanted when they were older.

I didn't like him touching me, and thankfully, he didn't do anything painful to me like intercourse. I felt so guilty after that, but he was my uncle who loved me and he was also my mother's brother.
I tried to put that occasion (one time only) out of my mind because I was too afraid to tell anyone. When I was 17 or 18, I would see other guys in the locker room in school and sometimes think about how it would feel if they had touched me instead. I then pushed those thoughts away knowing they were wrong. I wasn't "that kind of a guy."

When I met my wife in 1989, I immediately was attracted to her. She was beautiful with long brown hair and green eyes. We both had two of the same college classes, so we were spending a lot of time together. We found we had so much in common and our personalities really blended well. I had gone out with other girls and dated in high school, but it was casual dating and nothing serious.

My wife and I became inseparable, and within the year, we took our vows as husband and wife. Our first decade together was wonderful. We were in our early 20's when we got married, and sex was good. We didn't have a lot of it sometimes because we started a family within two years. Sometimes we were just too beat to get around to it. I started working extra hours to support the family and was tired a lot at the end of the day. Sex wasn't the first thing on my mind.  I guess it wasn't that much on my wife's mind either although she did bring it up from time to time.

By the end of 10 years, there were three beautiful children in our lives. I felt so content having a beautiful wife, three beautiful children, a good job, and a nice house. I was living the American dream. And yet--this dream seem to leave me feeling unhappy. I couldn't figure it out, so I started taking a few drinks to "lift" my spirits. My drinking started to cause some arguments in the marriage, so one night, I told my wife that if I can't have a few drinks at home, I'll go to a bar and slammed out the door.

Don't ask me why or how I ended up at a gay bar. It was the first bar that I saw. I had seen it hundreds of times through the years but never dreamed of going into it. That night was different. I just needed a drink and I wanted it quickly. I walked in there feeling nervous and not knowing what to expect. I justified it to myself that a drink was a drink--it didn't matter where you had it.

That night was the beginning of me realizing why I had been drinking all of those years. It was to numb the pain I had for still having those gay attractions. Once I realized this was numbing my pain--guess what? I kept doing it. I didn't go back to the gay bar for another ten years, but I became a heavy drinker. I couldn't let "gay" get in the way of having my beautiful wife and children.

It did cause tension for sure. My wife and I stopped having sex. She believed it was because of the alcohol. I believed it was because I couldn't keep doing something that wasn't natural to me anymore. As the years passed, thinking about making love to her just became harder and harder. And so we stopped talking about it after a while. I knew she was unhappy about it, but I was unhappy too. I had to give up my happiness to remain a good husband, so if she wanted to keep me there, it came with a price.

I don't remember exactly how it happened, but we started growing apart. Our kids were now teenagers, so she was wrapped up in a lot of their activities. I understood because I did work a lot, and I appreciated the fact that she was there for them when I couldn't be. It seemed our communication was just whatever was necessary, and a peck on the cheek was our customary way to say "I love you." And I meant it--I did love her. She was a wonderful wife and mother. Was I in love with her? No. But I loved her , and I hoped that would be enough.

But it wasn't. One night two years ago, I revisited the gay bar. I just felt I wanted to see it one more time--even though I truly believed I WAS NOT GAY. I sat next to a guy and started drinking. After four drinks, he asked me if I wanted to sit and listen to music with him in his car. I said yes. That was the beginning of my new "gay" life. At first I justified it as just some touching like I did as a teenager. However, within a few months, I couldn't deny what it was anymore. As much as I didn't want to be gay, I couldn't stay away from it. It obsessed me.

I had a dozen or so sexual experiences before I met the man of my dreams. He is everything I could possibly hope for--except he can't accept the fact that I am married. I realize that my marriage is over. Meeting someone who consumes all of my thoughts has shown me that. I am planning to tell my wife in the next week or two, but I'm not sure how to tell her.

I know that my feelings are NOT her fault. She has been a wonderful wife. However, even if I didn't meet my boyfriend, my marriage was growing apart more and more. Is it really necessary for me to tell her that I'm gay? I don't see how it could serve any greater purpose other than to hurt her and the children. She would probably blame herself, and I don't want the children to feel any kind of stigma because of this. Why can't I just tell her that it's time we move on now that the kids are almost raised and we are both not feeling "into it"?

I know my drinking was a big factor in the decline of my marriage, but I never even acted on the gay until a couple of years ago and the marriage was already practically over. Please give me your feedback. I want to do the right thing.

LETTER #2 - This past March

Dear Bonnie,
I am struggling with when to tell my wife, and most of the once married/straight, and now gay guys that I have talked to recommend not bringing up being gay as far as the reason for wanting the divorce.  I think the fear is that it will be more financially costly and the wife will be vindictive (and we don't have the money to hire attorneys). I have heard of instances of this on my "journey."

The fact that she will be angry and unsympathetic is what worries me most. I want to minimize the impact on the family and if my announcing I am gay, while asking for a divorce will be more painful for all involved (her, my sons, her parents) then I would tend to just address the divorce issue first and deal with everything else later. Her parents know that we have had marital issues over the years and even they get frequently frustrated dealing with her.  If she were to tell me she were a lesbian and wanted a divorce, I would understand that as more of a rationale than that I've been a "bad" husband.  It doesn't sound like you think that works with 90% of women. 
I would also be comfortable telling my sons at any time now, but when we spoke on the phone, you said I should tell my wife first. I don't think they will "fly off the handle" as she will.

So, the real question in my mind is... do I tell her I am gay and then address the divorce issue or get the divorce and then let her know why?  I know this is ultimately my decision, but... based on your experience with women, how is it best received and "handled" by everyone involved?  

I have many years left to be happy and I am very unhappy now, partly because my relationship with my wife is not fun and positive (largely because of her personality and issues), and partly because I want to be with guys more and I am getting increasingly frustrated with the way she treats me and her issues that she will not address or get help for (OCD, neediness, lack of self esteem, and lack of close friends). 

So, I have contemplated admitting I am gay, in hopes that she will be more understanding of the reason for a divorce.  However, my fear is that she will be more angry and vindictive, about "how I could do that to her!" versus understanding my situation. Most married guys I have spoken to recommend not making that part of the divorce, as for most it has been more painful or because it is not grounds for divorce where I live, and therefore will not help the situation, but further complicate it and give her more to be angry and vengeful about. 

I would tell my sons (as you recommend) as soon as a divorce is final (and I could tell her too) that I am gay.  What do you think about all of this? Do I really have to tell her if I was planning to divorce her anyway?

So's where I need your help. If you could send me some comments on what you would like men to know when they write me letters like this, I will compile them and have them ready to go. Sometimes, I think hearing the voices of others besides mine really helps men who have a conscience. I will share it with our group in an upcoming newsletter as well. You can sign it however you want--with a first name, an initial, or a middle name. You can even make up a name! But guys need to hear us and take responsibility for what they do to us.


When Christian Mingle, the online dating service, started advertising on television a few years back, it seemed like a dream come true for many Christian women. After all, no respectable Christian woman likes to get clawed on her first date. This was a dating site where good women with Christian values could meet good men with Christian values--in other words--HANDS OFF. Women with deep religious commitments felt this was an answer to their prayers for meeting a guy who would love them for themselves and not for sex. I have no doubt that there have been successful matches through this dating service--but there are also some dangerous liaisons.
In my first book "The Gay Husband Checklist for Women Who Wonder," I have a chapter on the prototype of woman a gay man looks for when he decides to try the marriage route. I give a list of characteristics and traits that gay men look for either consciously or subconsciously or unconsciously. One of them is women with religious backgrounds. They are prime targets because they are NOT looking for sex or sexual contact prior to marriage based on their religious beliefs.  

Remember--Christian gay men in denial don't want to be gay. Homosexuality goes against everything they are taught and raised to believe in church and at home in their Christian families. They have heard the repeated message that gay people are hell-bound, and there is no one who can save them. Even in some of the modernized churches where they acknowledge that maybe people are born gay, they still say that if that is so, gay people are still obligated not to act on their homosexuality in sexual ways. In other words, plan on a lifetime of celibacy. No fooling around. Ever. Whatever.

For gay men who want to try to live the straight life, Christian Mingle is a wonderful tool. First of all, if you are not aggressive with the woman you are dating--that's good. You want her for her mind and not her body. You care about her on an emotional and intellectual level--good Christians aren't thinking about sex. Whewwwwww.....that takes a lot of the pressure off the gay man. It gives him more time to think about the wedding how he is going to pull that off. Well, never worry today about something that can be put off until tomorrow, right?

Even if the majority of men who go on Christian mingle have good intentions, I know for a fact that all of them do not. One of my dear friends in our Straight Wives Club was married to a man who will never admit to being gay. The fact that he has HIV from having sex with men still does not make him admit to it--publically of course. The fact that he has advertised and met some unsuspecting woman on Christian Mingle is a horrific thing. In fact, it doesn't get much lower than that.

On a regular dating service such as or, you have the opportunity to meet men. You know that some might be good--some might be bad--all of them may be a little misleading. You go into the online dating service recognizing there are game players who are users and losers as hopefully some winners.

But on Christian Mingle--well--that is somewhat "Holy" for lack of a better word. It's not like where you are looking for someone who can appreciate a cow or goat the way "that only farmers do." You are looking for someone on a site that has the name "Christian" in it--meaning Godly. Why would you think there would be game players on a line promoted via God's name? And yet, you can see how easy it is to be blindsided by "men in hiding."

The bottom line is who can you trust? You can only trust your own gut instinct. If a man is willing not to touch you until after marriage, that is a dangerous red flag for you as a woman. You are leaving a marriage where a man didn't want you as a woman. You don't want to put yourself back in the same position.

I am not saying you have to go against your religious beliefs, but you surely can do things short of "everything."  Any straight man who wants to marry you should want you sexually in the worst way. You can tell from his affection, kissing, and touching that will get you to the point of saying "STOP!!!" But if he stops before he gets you to say "STOP," chances are he is on this line for something you don't want to have to know about--and my best advice to you is RUN!!! As fast as you can, RUN!!!! 

Starting over can be a beautiful adventure--but like all adventures, it has its highs and lows. You just don't want to put yourself back in emotional harm's way. Making better choices is life is all about.


One of our far away straight sisters, Jill, has a beautiful blog that I follow. The blog is called "Unspeakable Scars." Her writing in each entry is so eloquent. To give you and example, here is her June passage that I would like to share it with you:


“I remember awakening one morning and finding everything smeared with the color of forgotten love” – Charles Bukowski

This just about sums up how I felt in that moment when I realized I wasn’t in love anymore.
Something I’ve learned about myself is that when I love I love deeply, too much perhaps, but how do you control love? You can’t help how you feel, there’s no turning down the volume, it is what it is, you either feel it or you don’t. I used to ask myself why am I giving this person everything and I’m not getting anything in return and I would excuse him for it with the notion that he just shows his love in a different way than I do. I started to think that I was too loving, too romantic, too idealistic, too hungry for love and passion. At the end of it all I actually felt quite silly for ever believing that those things really existed, those feelings and desires, and I was stripped bare.

At night when we’d go to bed I would lie awake staring at his back as he lay on the edge of the bed, this vast space between us. I’d cry silently, not wanting to make an already awkward situation even worse. That was one of the worst feelings I’ve ever felt. I wondered what was so terrible about me that he would rather cling to the edge of the bed than lie next to me, his wife. Eventually even that was too much for him to bear and he just stopped coming to bed altogether. Didn’t feel good.

The Bukowski line describes how I felt. After such a long period of time when all I felt was grief and despair there was a moment, a morning. I woke up and was lying in bed gazing out the window and it was the most beautiful morning, full of clarity, when the sky is that shade of blue you only see in the Spring and the sun was shining but it looked cold. The light was melancholy and matter-of-fact. I looked around me and I knew it was over. Everything felt foreign, the sheets on the bed, the paint on the walls, the books on the shelf. It was as if everything was stained. Those feelings of love and hope and desire were long gone. Instead there was just this awful, suffocating sadness.

Months later during my recovery I was sitting outside by myself and I had this incredibly strong feeling. It was a hot day and I was enjoying the feeling of the sun on my skin and I was thinking about everything that had happened and I was crying sort of half happy half sad and I suddenly had this very strong feeling wash over me. I felt alive. I felt like the day had just hugged me. It was the most intense and beautiful and life affirming feeling I’ve ever experienced and I have no idea where it came from.

I’ve had my feelings hurt, I’ve hurt other peoples feelings. I know how it feels to show love and I know what it is to feel loved. I’ve felt angry (still do) and sad and hopeless, and I’ve felt strong too. Feelings leave scars on who you are, whether they be good or bad.
Intuition is a feeling. One thing this experience has taught me is to trust it.

You can also Jill's eloquent past and future words here:

Also, if you go to my "Links" page at the menu of, you can access two other phenomenal blogs by my friends Maureen and Grace.


Every Sunday night a 10 p.m. EST, 9 p.m. CT, 8 p.m. MT, and 7 p.m. PT, you can catch my show live on You can also listen to all of the previous broadcasts anytime you like. Go to:

In the search box, type in Straight Wives Talk Show.

Coming this month:

Sunday, July 6 - The inspirational Suzette Hinton - Life Coach who teaches us the importance of loving ourselves first.

Sunday, July 13 - Therapist Alexa Servodidio - Teaching us healing techniques when going through the toughest of times.

Sunday, July 20 - Dr. Karin Huffer - author of Overcoming the Devastation of the Legal   Abuse System and court advocate for women where abuse is involved including issues such as child custody and child support.

Sunday, July 27 - our own personal doctor in the house--Dr. Brian Hooper! Dr. Hooper is always validating our pain so we can move ahead instead of being held back.

All of my wonderful guests are there to help you move to a happier stage in your life. Listen whenever you can--the shows are there for you!

Have a wonderful month--and please send me your thoughts that I can share with the men who come to me.

With love and hope,