Thursday, December 19, 2013


Bonnie Kaye’s Straight Talk Newsletter
DECEMBER 2013     Volume 14, Issue 148
Bonnie’s Mantras:
Help support Bonnie’s mission to help women and men in pain. Purchase her books from her website at Her newest book can be purchased at


My next Healing Weekend will be in Houston, Texas, on March 1st and 2nd. The women in Texas are strong and compassionate, and I know you will love meeting them including two of my radio show favorites,  Grace and Wendy. Everyone who attends a healing weekend leaves feeling far more validated than before. Some even have quick life changes after all of the positive energy that reaches out to them. If you would like information, please write to me at as soon as possible!


I have spent over 13 years writing this newsletter. I've tried to make sense and unravel the confusion that all of us feel when we first learn or suspect this most horrific news. Some of the lessons I've taught you include:

1. You can take no responsibility in your husband's homosexuality.

2. Gay husbands come in different varieties: some are emotionally abusive, some are physically abusive, some are nice but sexually not responsive; some are sociopaths, others are narcissists. Regardless of what category your gay husband fits into, it doesn't change what the truth is--he's gay--and that is about the only truth in this situation.

3. No matter how you scream, dream, or pray--the gay is here to stay. It's not leaving, and it can't be turned off by pushing a button or moving a mountain. Learn to accept it not so that you can stay in it but rather so you can leave it. It was a mistake--or what I call a "mis-marriage." Mistakes can be fixed. Every day is a new day to take back your life! You didn't make him gay and you can't change it. You weren't born with the special powers, so stop trying to think you were.

4.  You are entitled to mourn and grieve. You are even allowed to have an occasional pity party whenever you need one because you deserve it. Your life has been impacted in a terrible way. For some of you who have been in long-term marriages, your entire adult life has been stolen away from you. But remember--if you don't work on the anger you are feeling, you'll move to the next stage of bitterness. It's very different than anger because it means you won't let go. If you don't let go, you won't ever find the inner peace that you need in order to find the happiness you deserve. If you are that stuck, you need to be honest about it and seek out professional help. I have some wonderful therapists who are part of my network that can help you do this. Go to my website and look at the resources under my links on the right hand side of the site. They all do phone counseling and Skype.  Give yourself the gift of good mental health.

5. Don't ever believe that your children  are unaffected by these marriages. Many of them grow up with so many different issues that need to be worked out EVEN IF THEY WON'T ADMIT IT TO YOU. Encourage them to get help and support. Let them know that there is a support group for them and give them my email.

6. Gay Husband Recovery is a process. It won't happen in a day, a week, a month, or a year. There are so, so many issues we have to get through. Some of our women (a little over 20%) have been given the gift that goes on giving forever--namely a sexually transmitted disease (STD). Their lives have been impacted forever. How do you get over that? Others will have to downsize their lives, sell their house, get sued for alimony, be sued for custody of your children, and alienated from friends and family. It's almost as if every time you're moving one step ahead, you get pulled back two steps. You think it's easy to get over this? Don't ever let people get away with saying, "Why is it taking you so long to get 'over it' meaning they are getting impatient with your recovery. That shoves YOU further into a closet as people decide your pace of recovery.

7. You no longer have to vacillate on what to call your husband--a-sexual, bisexual, confusexual, denialsexual, gay, homosexual, notverysexual, metrosexual, etc. As soon as he crosses the penis line, he's now called Non-Straight. That fits all categories!

8. Over 60% of gay husbands will NEVER tell you the truth. They don't have enough of a conscience to be honest. They are compartmentalized and able to keep living their lie when they are with you and after they leave you. I am tired of gay husbands saying, "My marriage didn't work because of other reasons--it's not just homosexuality." Pleazzzzzzzzzzzzzze men, step up to the plate just once and admit the real truth: Your wife became a totally different woman in order to survive a marriage that gave her pain, rejection, and beat up her sexuality based on YOUR LIES. Do you really think it has nothing to do with you and your excuses of depression, workload, .headaches, toothaches, back aches,  allergies,  you having post partum depression when your wife gave birth, Low "T" and erectile dysfunction, or disgust with your wife because she was too thin...too sexually aggressive...too sexually passive or any of the other lies you made up to convince yourself you are not gay? Let's be real here. This leads me to my end-of-year thought for this year:

My final lesson for the 2013 year is this. For all of you who wonder why your husband  denies your question of is he gay by "gaylighting" you to make you think you are crazy, I have finally figured out why he is doing this. As so many of you tell me all of the time, "My husband is in denial." I used to try to answer this with the explanation that they are only in denial to you--not to the men whom they are enjoying sex with.

I now believe that some of the straight-gay men are lying to themselves. I know about lying to yourself. I can do that very easily when I'm dieting and slip. I say, "It's only one slip--it doesn't count." A week later, after consuming a week's worth of food that is bad for me, I may admit I've screwed up--but not to worry, Tomorrow is another chance to start over again. The problem is that tomorrow doesn't come fast and easy. It could be a week or a month before I take hold of myself to admit the errors of my sugar-coated ways. Then I can diet perfect again---but four or six weeks l fall again. Gay men in denial do the same thing. They'll justify by saying, "It was only a casual encounter; that doesn't mean I'm gay. One encounter becomes a dozen within a short time, but that doesn't mean he is gay either. Why? Because he didn't kiss the guy and make out. Why? Because he doesn't have any emotional connection. Why?  Because there is no way he is gay--he has a wife and children. There is one truth here:

They lie to themselves because it makes it so much easier for them to lie to you.

Yes, this is my newest epiphany for the year. They really do lie to themselves.  This is  different than "compartmentalization" where they KNOW they are living a double life but continue to do it by separating the two lives from each other. These are men who can have relationships with other guys and fall semi-in love/lust with them. This is not even the same as "denial" when you know on some level that you are doing the dirty but not admitting it to people--especially the wife. Denial means on some level you're denying your secret life to others--but you know the real truth and have no problem partaking in anonymous sex . You'll deny it and accuse your wife of being crazy, but you'll keep planning these liaisons knowing that no one will find out that you are using your Grindr  application (

This category of  "LIE MEN" is a whole new set of baggage. Lying to yourself and believing the lies represents this group of men. They can lie to themselves telling themselves there is no way they are gay....and BELIEVE IT...because it us so much easier to lie to you and have no feelings of uneasiness. It's not like compartmentalizing when they are able to separate two lives or denying when they just don't want you to know . This is called "Lying to yourself and believing the lie" or  "LIE MEN." By giving up one inch of the lie and moving into either compartmentalization or denial, that could weaken his resolve  of dealing with who he is. He might have to accept that on some level he is "gay." He then might slip and say something revealing accident or on purpose. Yikes--this could destroy everything that he holds so dear--namely his straight persona. He could lose everything that he has worked so hard to have for so long--a respectable lifestyle with a wife protecting his image to the public, his family, his employment, and his friends
Interesting side note: I am working with a man on the importance of coming out to his wife and tell her the truth about why their marriage isn't working. He defends himself by telling me this is not a marriage that could work under any circumstances because his wife is "emotionally unbalanced." So why should he tell her? In his initial contact with me, he stated: T0his is not a marriage that could work under any circumstances because his wife is "emotionally unbalanced."
I am struggling with when to tell my wife, and most of the once married/straight, and now gay guys that I have talked to recommend not bringing up being gay as far as the reason for wanting the divorce.  I think the fear is that it will be more financially costly and the wife will be vindictive (and we don't have the money to hire attorneys). I have heard of instances of this on my "journey."
I underlined the most important part in that statement so you can be aware of how this works.  This is the message being spread through the gay husband community encouraging your husband NOT to tell you the truth.  I wanted to give you personal insight on why you never have to worry about checking on your husband. If the quasi-established gay husband network can encourage this behavior, then I will always continue my stand on CHECK HIM OUT. Yes, become your own personal spy. That's fine and more moral than lying like he's doing.
I always explain to the gay men who come to me complaining about their wives that their wives' lives have been altered by being married to gay men who are living a lie and pushing them away emotionally and sexually. I explain to each man that if his wife was a combination of Mother Theresa and Angelina Jolie, he would still find fault with her in order not to have sex with her because she would still be a woman--and they want a man. He won't be turned on to Angelina--but he will lust after her husband Brad Pitt. People don't call me the "Tough Love Counselor" for nothing! And sometimes they really do listen to me and do the right thing! Those are the nights I go to bed with a smile on my face.

In conclusion, stop grasping for straws offering you some kind of miracle that will tie you down for another year. Accept what is--make a New Year's Resolution to find a way out. Contact me if you need support because I have plenty of support out there.

From Dr. Brian Hooper

One of the blessings I am grateful for this year is my discovery of Dr. Brian Hooper. Brian has joined our support network helping women and gay men in our situation. He has great insight on our situation. He is an authentic gay man who understands my point of view and agrees with me on our need for support from a therapist who understand what we go through. Although he has never been married, he is very pro-honesty and holds our husbands accountable for honesty.

Brian co-hosts my computer radio show "Straight Wives Talk Show" at www.Blogtalkradio. com the last Sunday of the month. So many of you have written to me about how comforting he is. Brian offered to share his ideas about getting through the holidays. Here's what he shared:

Handling the Holidays Post Betrayal

I am writing this especially for women who have been married to men whom they later found out were gay, and who feel betrayed by the experience. However, these thoughts also apply to all who have experienced a betrayal of their love and trust in intimate relationships.
“Betrayal” is from the Latin tradere, which means to hand over. It may be ironic to think of “handling” the holidays after all that was promised you has been handed over to another. However, it is a reminder to “get a handle” on your own life again and receive it back with strong and gentle hands of your own. 

The “you” that you get back may feel like a victim of kidnapping who needs to learn how to trust again and, in the meantime, needs to know that she/he is being kept safe.
So, your main goal in holiday times is to keep yourself safe. I find it interesting that “safe” and “salvage” have the same origin. The root is save. In one sense, your task is to save yourself from further injury. In another sense, it is to save what remains and make repair, to salvage. When combined, the task is to keep safe and make repair. 

Here are some suggestions for staying safe and making repairs to your soul in holiday times.
  • Enter the holidays with a meditation or prayer of gratitude for your life. The holidays, no matter the religious tradition, are about reconnecting you to THE ALL that makes you whole.  Ask God or your best and highest sense of self to help you see opportunities to connect to what is life affirming. 
  • Let go of expectations that anything will be quite the same. Why should it be? You’ve experienced something radical that can’t be un-experienced. So your perceptions and experiences will be different. 
  • Do old rituals that you have enjoyed but do them with a significant difference. If only you and your immediate family decorated on a certain day for the holidays, then perhaps agree with a friend to help each other decorate. It is a way to establish what is called the “new normal.”
  • Plan ahead regarding food and drink. It is fine to enjoy the holiday treats, but put a reminder card in your purse or wallet that prompts you to take care of your body. Refuse to betray yourself by overeating or making trouble for yourself with alcohol.
  • Pace yourself so that you have time to rest. It is better to do less, but be truly present, than to do more and feel burned out.  
  • Beware of trying to make up for the absence of your child’s/children’s parent (if you have been married with children) with more activities or gifts. They, too, need to grieve and need you demonstrate that relationships and not things are what matter most. 
  • Create a new tradition. Choose something to which you can assign a meaning that supports life and love, even if you don’t feel like it. 
  • Make use of candles as they may be used in your religious tradition. For Christians, candles are a reminder that the “Light of the World” came into the world in the darkest night of the year. Those in the Jewish tradition remember the miraculous oil that kept the sacred lamp lit following victory over their persecutors. Again, the light of promise had been with them even in dark times.
  • Exercise! It releases very helpful neuro-chemicals, dispels toxins, and aids with sleep.
  • Sleep! Sleep is absolutely necessary to release certain hormones that are required to repair our bodies. Lack of sleep results in stress and the release of corrosive cortisol that can drain our adrenal glands and result in fatigue.
  • Be conservative with your spending. You can’t shop your way out of grief or pain. If possible, make things with the help of others that convey the love of your heart. 
  • Pause and think before you either accept or reject an invitation or opportunity. Will it contribute to your wellbeing? Are you saying “yes” out of love or out of obligation? Are you saying “no” out of fear or self-empowerment? 
Take good care of yourself. And if I may be helpful in navigating the holidays, please call me! 

I have asked Sharon to write her story for our newsletter because I think many of you who are Catholic will benefit from this information.
Hi My Friends:

I am one of your sisters, my life has been unbelievable. Bonnie asked me to write you about my experience. A mirror image of your marriages and lives.
I was married for 24 years to a man who hated himself. He always took his inner hatred of himself out on me. He blamed and controlled everything during the marriage from what I wore when we went out  to how to style my hair and that it should always be permed. I gave up all my control; I have family here but they did not drop by at all.

All the intimacy problems were blamed on me early in our marriage. I was never intimate with anyone until I met him, a very big mistake because I had no past relationship to compare the sexual issues in this marriage to. Not realizing how much trouble I was in, I stayed. I planned the children, my son 1993 and my daughter 1996. There was no intimacy after my daughter was born.  When my kids were young and I was home one summer day with them. My ex walked into the house looked at me and said "I hate everything about you."  It was the same as if I had the wind knocked out of me. I begged and pleaded that we go to a marriage counselor, but he said, "No, I am too busy at work."

Then I realized I am on my own, felt so defeated, and then I turned to alcohol at night time.  Standing in dark by myself drinking. Praying for God to please help me, I felt I was in hell. I went to see a counselor for myself when I got a full time job. I needed help to quit drinking because it was spilling over to the other parts of  my day to day life with my kids. One session I looked at her and said, “I am not going to waste anymore of your time, what would you say if I told you that I have not been intimate with my husband for over 15 years? She was not shocked and said, "Have you ever thought that he could be gay? That you are the cover he has been hiding behind for years. That he has not come out of the closest and would probably take this secret to the grave." 

I went home and waited for him to get home. The kids were at friends houses. I looked at him and said I went to see the counselor today, explained that I have not been intimate with you for 15 years and how you blamed me.  Do you want to know what she said? She said it is not my fault and you are probably gay.  His response was, "I thought I would grow to love you however it did not happen. I said, "Do you have any idea what you have done? You are the most selfish person God ever put life into and walked away."

Then, my friends, I started on my journey. First I quit drinking (now 3 years) and got the help I needed from my brother, who dealt with addiction and prevention. My next step was to separate and move out of the house. My kids were so supportive because they had witnessed  how I was treated over the years. They did not blame me whatsoever. I got half of the equity in the house. I am presently just a couple of streets away from my son, 20 years old and my daughter 17 years old in my own house. I went to the lawyer and told him I want this completed as soon as possible, and there were no conflicts. I am now legally divorced. I believe in my heart and soul that I am here today because God was on my side.

I had a struggled within myself, this was not a true marriage. So I started to contact the church to see if I could speak with a priest in regard to the guidelines of the annulment procedure.  I had several meetings with the priest. I was embarrassed to talk to him about intimacy matters at first or how the annulment would affect my kids.

The priest was very helpful and stated that if there has been no intimacy for 8 years or more in a marriage that the church will grant an annulment. This marriage will be considered null/void. He also stated that it does not affect the children.
So now I am on another journey, I have met with the representatives from the church and started to get all my paper work in order to start this process. I want and need closure that is how I will survive this hell..

Here are the steps I need to take to get control of my life again.
  1. Talk to your priest
  2. Get a legal divorce first, before you request the annulment.
  3. Follow the church’s instructions as there are other documents required, copy of the marriage certificate, your baptismal certificate and a copy of the divorce decree.
  4. Notify the ex that you are going through with the annulment.
Also, I read a story where this wife had been through a lot and took her wedding band back to the church and put it on the alter for her own closure.

I have found the annulment has been such a great option for me. It all centers around closure for me I know that now. It may not be for everyone, but I will never get the truth so this is my way of  not wasting any more time on that part of my life. I struggled with hurt and rejection for years. I know my children are the best part of  me. I know staying in this marriage for years was the biggest mistake that I have ever made in my life.

Next journey, to get a new job and move back to my home town.  I have my kids blessing.
I am now ready for the new and improved Sharon
Thank you for listening…

From my friend Dollie...a final thought for the end of the year!
Hi Bonnie,

I LOVED your newsletter about Sociopathic behavior!  In my opinion, these guys all win the Alpha-Dog Award for peeing on us and then blaming us for being wet.


Please let me know if you are in Ottawa Canada. One of our women is looking to connect for support!

To all of you in this support network, happiest of holidays no matter where you are on the road to Gay Husband Recovery. I will be there standing by your side until you get where you need to go no matter how long it takes.
With love and hope,

Thursday, November 28, 2013


Dear Straight Wives,
The holiday blues are upon us. This week is the begining of a sad/bad/weepy period for many of us. I went back a few years to 2008 to find a holiday message in my newsletters. I am sharing it with you. Love to all of you throughout this season. Remember I have support galore for anyone who needs it. All you have to do is ask! Write to me at: and I will answer you as quickly as possible. You are not alone...anymore!
Love, Bonnie


The next two months will be the worst of times for many of our women. It’s the time that so many of us dread each year—namely, the holiday lack of celebrations.  Actually, I’m not sure whose idea it was to bunch these family holidays up so closely together starting with Thanksgiving and ending nearly 8 weeks later at Valentine’s Day. I always look at this as the emotional marathon roller coaster that we all have to get through.

These particular holidays represent what so many of us had or thought we had only to find it snatched away from us like the Grinch who stole Christmas. But the Grinch only stole one day—not our lives from us.

Holidays are stressful under the best of circumstances, but when you have a wonderful marriage with a loving husband, there is a reward at the end of the rope that gathers everyone together in a loving, happy home. By contrast, many of us feel as if we have a rope around our necks when watching all the family togetherness that is thrown in our face “up-front and personal” on television, radio, movies, magazines, stores, and elsewhere.

The important thing to do is prepare for the emotional downslide. Know that you are going to hurt. Know that you are going to feel as if your life as you wanted it, planned for it, worked on it, and hoped for is gone. Indulge yourself in a pity party. I like to do that once or twice a year. By allowing myself to feel sorry for myself, it allows me to pick myself up and move forward again. You don’t have to be brave or selfless. You can feel weary and tired of picking up so many pieces along the path of obstacles that life has thrown your way. You’re entitled to feel bad about the curves that have been thrown at you--but then you have to stand up and move forward. Realize that life can turn around at the spin of a dime and your happiness will return someday. My theme song that has gotten me through the worst of life crises is “Pick Yourself Up.” The lyrics go:

Nothings impossible I have found
For when my chin is on the ground
I pick myself up, dust myself off, start all over again

Don't lose your confidence if you slip
Be grateful for a pleasant trip
And pick yourself up, dust yourself off and start all over again

Work like a soul inspired till the battle of the day is won
You may be sick and tired but you'll be a man my son
Don't you remember the famous man who had to fall to rise again?
They picked themselves up, dust themselves off and started all over again

You can adjust the words to your own life, but just remember, life goes on…and often, after the fallout, it goes on much better. Go back and reread those old newsletters I wrote with stories of hope, happiness, and in many cases, new found love. And remember—I am as close as your computer. I’ll have extra chats through the holiday season for those who need support and friendship. You just have to ask!

Sunday, November 17, 2013

         Bonnie Kaye’s Straight Talk Newsletter
                NOVEMBER 2013     Volume 14, Issue 147
                                                  Bonnie’s Mantras:

Help support Bonnie’s mission to help women and men in pain. Purchase her books from her website at Her newest book can be purchased at


My next Healing Weekend will be in Houston, Texas, on March 1st and 2nd. The women in Texas are strong and compassionate, and I know you will love meeting them including two of my radio show favorites,  Grace and Wendy. Everyone who attends a healing weekend leaves feeling far more validated than before. Some even have quick life changes after all of the positive energy that reaches out to them. If you would like information, please write to me at as soon as possible!


Not all gay husbands are sociopaths or display sociopathic behavior. But in my nearly 30 years of experience, it sure seems as if a lot of them are.

I'm sorry--this is not reflection on gay people who living their authentic lives or those gay married husbands who did the right thing by their families in being responsible by telling their wives the truth and giving them support in the aftermath of the marriage--but it is a reflection on a segment of gay men who marry straight women.

First, gay men seek out consciously or subconsciously women whom they  hope will be able to accept their homosexuality if and when the news comes out. By every survey I have conducted from different periods of time, at least 75 - 80% of us are in the helping profession. We are caring, nurturing and determined to always "fix things" when they are broken. Including our marriages. If you think it's just an accident that so many of us are in the helping profession, you're wrong. It's no accident. Gay men seek us out as wives.

At our September Healing Weekend in Philadelphia, we had doctors, nurses, social workers, teachers, mental health workers, and child care workers galore. Yep, we were prime for the picking.

I would like to share with you a hard lesson I have learned. Before I do, let me review the signs of someone with sociopathic behavior:

1. Superficial charm

2. Manipulative and conning

3. Sense of entitlement

4. Lack of remorse or shame

5. Pathological lying

6. Shallow emotions

7. Incapacity to love

8. Need for stimulation and living on the edge

9. Lack of empathy for others

10. Poor behavioral Controls/Impulsive

Even if every characteristic of your husband isn't true--if more than half of them are, count him in!

What I finally realize is this: when we continue to live with these men, we help their sociopathic behaviors. Now I know that's a bold statement, but I believe it to be true. Here's why.
The longer you live with someone with these characteristics, the more you validate their feelings that how they are behaving is acceptable. If you didn't approve of their behavior, why would you continue to stay with them? Yes, that's how they think.

This means that these marriages are definitely a BAD combination of personalities. Most of our women are people pleasers. Rather than "rock the boat and tip the boat over," we learn how to ride the tide--or tsunami--so to speak. Even though we are always swimming upstream, it doesn't mean that we don't believe there is hope to reverse the tide. We become muted. We stop standing up and questioning our husbands only to be knocked down with words like, "Are you stupid?" or "You are always imagining things," or "No one will ever love you as much as I do." Those were the days that taught me that "love" was just another vulgar four letter word.
In most cases, women who live with sociopaths lose themselves through the constant verbal battering. My ex-husband used to "shout me down to shut me up." I knew I was defeated before I could even try to stand back up. It was just easier to go along with him. And that wasn't just during our marriage--it was for many years after our marriage because we still had to raise children together even if we were apart.

Our women who live or have lived with sociopathic men remain unhappy and numb through most of the day. They have to reconstruct their lives going beyond the "walking on eggshells." They are tiptoeing around them for fear that one little shake of shell will create a blow-up and the house of cards will come tumbling down.
Rather than create conflict, we mentally take the attitude, "If you can't beat 'em, join 'em," in order to survive the daily conflict. We go along with the craziness. We start losing track of what is and isn't crazy anymore. We are totally in survival mode.

What happens is that your sociopathic man who may have had some doubts now feels so validated in everything he does wrong--especially to you. Ironically, now that you have altered your behavior and state of mind so you can make him happy, he's no happier. Not only isn't he happier, but when one of his schemes goes off-course, he blames you. It's because of YOU that the house is a mess. It's because of YOU that the children are running around because you can't control them. It's because of YOU that he doesn't want sex because you don't look, smell, or act the way a woman should.
Most of the time, we cry. And yes--over time we learn to do it so he doesn't see it. Does crying make him feel sorry for us? Nope. He doesn't like you to cry. Remember, he lacks true empathy. In fact, he looks at us as if we are weak. He doesn't like weak. Oh, he doesn't like strong either--but  the weakness you show reinforces everything he is doing wrong. He thinks, "Well, how bad can I be if she continues to stay here and love me?

Since he falls really short when it come to a conscience, his occasional confession of "I'm sorry" is not said for you--it's for him. He knows if he throws a crumb your way, you are so starving that you'll dive down to grab it. You'll hold on to it and cherish it in the same way that a dog wags his tail when he finds a bone and then hides it. One act of kindness goes a long way with a woman who seeks validation. While he throws out the phrases "I'm sorry" or even "I love you," he knows a few syllables will stretch out for at least a few months.   
As women, many of us hold on to hope long after there is nothing left to hang on to. You need to realize that there is no hope when you are living with a man who doesn't want to live with you but rather use you for his own purposes. And trust me, the longer you stay, the worse he will get. When these men con people by charming them, they seem to always know how to get an audience to eat out of their hand. How many times have we heard how lucky we are to have these men as husbands from outsiders? We are "lucky"? We are as lucky as the rabbit that lost its foot to swing on a keychain for good luck. There is nothing lucky about this situation at all.

The only way to get past a sociopath is to leave him and cut him off. Look, I know it's easy to say and hard to do. GUILTY!! (Raising my hand) I admit it. But that doesn't mean we can't learn from each other and the mistakes we have made. You can take back your life even when  your sociopath husband is yanking your chain back. It will be a struggle for a while, but he'll probably get tired of you. Remember, there are always people out there who are weaker than you are. He'll be looking for them--and hopefully forget about you.


With the upcoming season of joylessness for many of our women who are in the throes of the straight wife blues, it is really important to find different ways to start feeling better not only emotionally but also physically. One of our straight wives, Jeanine Finelli, is a health coach. Last year, in one of our correspondences, she wrote to me:

As you know a situation like what you and I have gone through can chew women up and spit them out.  No sleep, anxiety, loneliness, sadness, fear, exhaustion, poor self image, all leads to sugar cravings, hormone disruption, weight gain, lower self image, lack of energy, depression, caffeine addiction, sleeping pill addiction, self blame and so much more.  I want to dedicate my life to helping these women take their health off the table of negotiation, and learn how to stay strong inside and out all while going through this storm.  There is a beautiful life that one knows exactly when or how, but it's there and I want women to come through this tragedy..whole and healthy.

Jeanine will be my guest tomorrow night on my radio show which airs at 10 p.m. EST. You can also listen after the show is aired at the same link.

In Jeanine's own words, here are her thoughts to help through the holidays and all year around.

As I fold the laundry, my thoughts shift from wrinkled clothes to relationships.  I pair up socks that actually haven’t disappeared into the single sock abyss and my memory spans the past decade of my life. A big chunk of my precious years filled with an onslaught of betrayals.  Yet in the same amount of time that it takes to create my breakfast smoothie, I am filled with not just hope, but an open mind for my future.  As you all know too well, what we have been through becomes part of our DNA, and it changes us to the core forever.  Whether those changes manifest themselves in how you trust, how you don’t, or even how you perceive yourself, you are different now.  Every day I try to move towards a more peaceful place in my thoughts.  Dare I even say it, I really like, or better yet appreciate the new me!  After all, being cheated on, lied to, ignored, unloved, verbally abused, and treated like live-in childcare leaves you with only one way to go, and that is up.  Seriously!  After living in a home where the pet hamster got more attention than I did, I have found that the grass really is greener on the other side of the fence I just hopped. 

 Yet, somehow, by the grace of God, I am more of a whole person than I have ever been, and I live vibrantly.  My hope is that my children see me as solid and not weak because in this world, if you don’t stand for something, you are sure to fall for anything.  I want them to know that it is absolutely okay to say no to someone who places little value on their needs.  With open arms, I am here to help you create a similar space of your very own.  One where you don’t just survive, but you thrive!  Once in this space, you may even entertain the thought of loving again, but in this space is where you will fall in love…with yourself…maybe for the first time.  And from that my friends, no greater love is born.

In 2007, almost five years into my marriage, back to school I went to become a Certified Health Coach.  I hadn’t realized the magnitude of how my quest for wellness would save my life while simultaneously being chewed up and spit out by the one who promised to love me forever.  Through helping others reclaim their health, I have also reclaimed my own. Today I am honored to work with a brilliant, very forward thinking doctor who is passionate about prevention, lifestyle, and together we understand that certain people in our lives can be just as toxic for our waistline as overloading on ice cream, or chips piled high with guacamole.

While it’s true that your path has made you stronger in many ways, it also has slowly chipped away at your being, your foundation, your self esteem and the health of your body which is the temple of your soul.  All of the sleepless nights, sleeping pills, coffee for energy, neglect, worry, crying, despair, constant betrayal and verbal abuse has affected your health.  Nutritional slaughter tends to be the result of living with, and trying to cope with this type of chronic stress.  The result is high blood pressure and cholesterol, excessive weight gain or weight loss, low energy, mad sugar cravings, insomnia, hormonal imbalance, breakouts, drinking more alcohol, and so much more.  Yes, things are tough, but you are tougher my dear.  It happened, it wasn’t fair, it wasn’t your fault, and it plain old sucks.  Now you must pick up the pieces of yourself and insist on being as healthy as you can so that you can enjoy the future that you desperately crave.  The relentless fight to protect my health was a daily choice in refusing to give this “taker” any more of myself than I already had.  In my book, due out the end of 2014, I share hundreds of ways in which I protected myself daily so that I was able to truly be present for work, and my loving family and friends.  Here are some ways for you to begin today to honor yourself.  Haven’t you had enough?
1.   Drink half your body weight in ounces per day.  If you weigh 150 pounds, you need 75 oz of water a day –drinking in between meals is better for digestion than gulping it down with food. This is a serious hydration, craving control, weight management and immune booster!

2    The single most important food to limit is sugar. The amount we consume is literally killing.  It is highly addictive and sneaky food companies add it to almost everything!  An apple with the skin has about 15 grams, as much as 6 Hershey kisses.  If you want to lose weight fast, keep all sugar (fruit and treats alike) to 35 to 45 grams a day. You may become a crabby bear for the first 5 days of detox as you break the addiction, but that is to be expected.  Following that is a feeling of why did I wait so long, all while your liver does cartwheels in delight, and you lose weight!

3.   Fight tooth and nail for alone time.  Maybe it’s a quiet cup of coffee in the morning before everyone is up, or maybe it’s a less congested, more scenic route home.  You might just have to say no to things that people are expecting you to say yes to, but can make you feel stressed and resentful.  I always enjoy walks alone this time of year on trails covered with crunchy autumn leaves. How will you connect to yourself today? This week?

4. Exercise – it has to be two things – consistent and enjoyable.  I am not a gym type gal and I get bored easily there.  So, I combine walking trails and hiking with an intense yoga practice.  It releases endorphins, strengthens bones, burns calories, improves circulation, and can help you sleep.  So, quit feeling guilty about scheduling in your exercise because your life depends on it.

5. Keeping up someone else’s charade is exhausting.  You probably  often “fake it” in various social circles, so you need  to find at least one person with whom you can let your hair down, let your guard down, and  trust them with the imperfect details of your life…..knowing they’ve got your back!

6. Take 400mg magnesium every single day.  Most everyone is deficient in this miracle mineral, and it helps with stress, sleep, immune system, disease prevention, and keeps bowels super happy.  I prefer the glycinate form as it absorbs better.  There are no known drug interactions, so enjoy a more regular, healthier, relaxed you!   

You do have another chance to become whole, healthy and a little bit hotter! ;o)

You may have given him your heart, but take your health back….for life!

Visit my website at for more information.            
Thanks, Jeanine, for starting off this season with some healthy thoughts! In next month's newsletter, I'll be discussing some holiday tips that people share in order not to dwell on the loss--but more of the gain.


Hi Bonnie

I've been thinking about this for awhile so I think ill share my idea
with you.

So many men do not tell for fear they will be seen as less manly or
macho or a wimpy gay guy.  However in the process of deceiving and
hiding behind their wives as a cover, they actually end up acting

So my slogan for this catch 22 is:

Real Men tell their wife/wives.



Some of our women would really like to meet in person others going through this situation for friendship and understanding. If you are in this situation or live in an area where someone is in this situation and would like to "hook up," let me know!

One of our women from Modesto, California is seeking support from anyone in the area. Please email me at if you are near there.


My Tuesday evening support chat has been changed to Tuesday afternoon at 3:30 EST,       2:30 CT, 1:30 MT, and 12:30 PT. We are combining the chat with our sisters in the United Kingdom. If you are free during the day, please join us. Write to me for instructions at

Have a peaceful and "healthier" month!

Love, Bonnie

Thursday, October 17, 2013


A number of our women are excited over the article Great Betrayals in the New York Times on October 5, 2013, written by Dr. Anna Fels, a psychiatrist and faculty member at Weill Cornell Medical School. The article articulates what so many of us experience throughout our marriages and in the aftermath of healing from them.  

I would like to quote Dr. Fels on some of her key points that you can relate to coming from a straight/gay marriage. At the end of my comments, I have the link to the entire article for you to read. Dr. Fels starts the article by discussing people who have been betrayed for long periods of time and then discover the betrayal. The article discusses a married couple where the wife learns after 25 years that she is in total debt due to her husband's secrets.  She then talks about a woman who found out her father came from a black family but passed for white throughout his life. She continues:

Discoveries of such secrets typically bring on tumultuous crises. Ironically, however, in my clinical experience, it is often the person who lied or cheated who has the easier time. People who transgressed might feel self-loathing, regret or shame. But they have the possibility of change going forward, and their sense of their own narrative, problematic though it may be, is intact. They knew all along what they were doing and made their own decisions. They may have made bad choices, but at least those were their own and under their control. Now they can make new, better choices.

And to an astonishing extent, the social blowback for such miscreants is often transient and relatively minor. They can change! Our culture, in fact, wholeheartedly supports such “new beginnings” — even celebrates them. It has a soft spot for the prodigal sons and daughters who set about repairing their ways, for tales of people starting over: reformed addicts, unfaithful spouses who rededicate themselves to family, convicted felons who find redemption in religion. Talk shows thrive on these tales. Perhaps it’s part of our powerful national belief in self-help and self-creation. It’s never too late to start anew.

But for the people who have been lied to, something more pervasive and disturbing occurs. They castigate themselves about why they didn’t suspect what was going on. The emotions they feel, while seemingly more benign than those of the perpetrator, may in the long run be more corrosive: humiliation, embarrassment, a sense of having been na├»ve or blind, alienation from those who knew the truth all along and, worst of all, bitterness.

Insidiously, the new information disrupts their sense of their own past, undermining the veracity of their personal history. Like a computer file corrupted by a virus, their life narrative has been invaded. Memories are now suspect: what was really going on that day? Why did the spouse suddenly buy a second phone “for work” several years ago? Did a friend know the truth even as they vacationed together? Compulsively going over past events in light of their recently acquired (and unwelcome) knowledge, such patients struggle to integrate the new version of reality. For many people, this discrediting of their experience is hard to accept. It’s as if they are constantly reviewing their past lives on a dual screen: the life they experienced on one side and the new “true” version on the other. But putting a story together about this kind of disjunctive past can be arduous.

And the social response to people who have suffered such life-transforming disclosures, well meaning as it is intended to be, is often less than supportive. Our culture may embrace the redeemed sinner, but the person victimized — not so much. Lack of control over their destiny makes people queasy. Friends often unconsciously blame the victim, asking whether the betrayed person really “knew at some level” what was going on and had just been “in denial” about it. But the betrayed are usually as savvy as the rest of us. When one woman I know asked her husband, a closet alcoholic who drank secretly late at night, how he could have hidden his addiction for so long, he replied, “It took a lot of work.”

FREQUENTLY, a year or even less after the discovery of a longstanding lie, the victims are counseled to move on, to put it all behind them and stay focused on the future. But it’s not so easy to move on when there’s no solid narrative ground to stand on. Perhaps this is why many patients conclude in their therapy that it’s not the actions or betrayal that they most resent, it’s the lies.

As a psychiatrist, I can tell you that it’s often a painstaking process to reconstruct a coherent personal history piece by piece — one that acknowledges the deception while reaffirming the actual life experience. Yet it’s work that needs to be done. Moving forward in life is hard or even, at times, impossible, without owning a narrative of one’s past. Isak Dinesen has been quoted as saying “all sorrows can be borne if you put them in a story or tell a story about them.” Perhaps robbing someone of his or her story is the greatest betrayal of all.

I think this article has been the most articulate in pinpointing why people don't view victims as "sympathetic."  Dr. Fels states:

"Our culture may embrace the redeemed sinner, but the person victimized — not so much. Lack of control over their destiny makes people queasy. Friends often unconsciously blame the victim, asking whether the betrayed person really “knew at some level” what was going on and had just been “in denial” about it."

We often discuss how gay husbands/mates who come out are viewed as "heroes." Case in point: Jason Collins. Collins was the first NBA player to come out publically in April of this year. A "side issue" was he was living with Carolyn Moos, a female basketball player, for eight years. Collins was viewed by the public as being a "hero" because he was the first major league basketball player to admit his homosexuality. Yes, the "redeemable" are embraced for sure. But in our cases, the more that gay men come out of the closet, the deeper our women go into it because as the article states, "friends unconsciously blame the victim asking whether the betrayed person really "knew at some level" what was going on and had just been "in denial" about it. Oh, so true for so many of our straight wives.

But I'll go one step further with our thinking. Not only do we have to contend with the questioning of "knowing on some level," but we also have to deal with those who
"blame" us for this transitioning from "straight to gay" on some level. You see, people don't get it. No matter how many times you hammer it into their heads, they don't get it. They see what they want to see. Your husband married you. Gay men don't marry straight women. You husband fathered your children. Gay men don't have sex with women or produce children. Your husband lived with you for years. Gay men don't want to live with a woman. What does this mean? He wasn't gay when he married you--he became gay "because of you."

Does that sound ridiculous? Maybe it does to us who have to prove ourselves over and over again. Unlike the other victims of sociopaths or psychopaths where people state, "You must have known on some level," we don't even get that. We are on a lower rung than the other women standing on the chain of fools. We were so bad as wives that we were able to take men who were sexually heterosexual and turn them into homosexuals.

 I'll repeat this story that some of you lived through with me in 2006. When Straight Wives: Shattered Lives Volume 1 was released in September of that year, a group of 12 of us went in a van to New York City from Philadelphia to launch it at a book signing. We stopped on the New Jersey Turnpike for a rest stop. As we kept getting out of the van, a man approached us in a friendly manner. He asked us if we were going to a show in NY--we said "no." He then asked us if we were part of a church group--we said "no." He then asked us what kind of group we were part of--and one of our members blurted out, "We are women who have gay husbands." The man started chuckling and said to us, "Were your husbands gay when you married them?" Of course we felt that need to "defend ourselves" by explaining we didn't know they were gay when we married them.  Lesson reinforced: people don't believe you. He was still chuckling as he walked away shaking his head. This prompted the title of my next book - "How I Made My Husband Gay: Myths About Straight Wives" with the picture of a magic wand on the cover. If you haven't read that book, you should if you are having doubts about your husband's homosexuality. It is all about the red flags our women missed and how they caught their husbands. There are lots of good lessons and very interesting stories you can learn from. You can find it on my website at

Sorry for sidetracking. Back to Jason Collins.  At the time of his national press announcement, his former girlfriend, Carolyn Moos, stated that she was "hurt and embarrassed." Okay, hurt I understand. But embarrassed? Why was she embarrassed? She didn't do anything wrong, did she? Oh, that's right--I forgot. When you have a gay husband/mate, YOU ARE embarrassed. We get it. We understand how people's perceptions of us are. We live with the gazes of head shaking like, "Sure you didn't know." We know the looks given to us that translate into, "You must have wanted someone gay," or "You have low self-esteem so of course you would settle for anyone--even a gay man," or "Everyone else knows he gay--so you mean to tell us you don't know?" Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr................

By the way, Moos was "hurt and embarrassed," when she first learned the news, but far more forgiving than many of us are. She stated, "But this does alleviate some of the pain. … I'm so happy for him. He deserves to live the life he wants." As the Beatles sing, "Oblade, Obladah, Life goes on, bra..." I guess when you're young, not entrenched in divorce proceedings and without children to complicate your situation, you can be generous in your forgiveness. At least in public. Sadly, for most of us, it doesn't go on quite that easily or without lots of residual pain.

The difference between straight wives married to gay men versus other women who have been betrayed by straight men is this. Living with a liar under any circumstances is disillusioning. But when you are married to a gay man, in almost all cases the damage is two-fold. We have the same trauma as women who are lied to by straight husbands, but those men are able to function as "straight husbands" and compartmentalize their secrets. However, when you live with a gay man, it's not a matter of a "secret" in his life--it's a life that is kept secret. It's a life that causes your husband's pain and frustration to be focused on you and place the blame in your lap.

Even if your husband hasn't cheated on you, he thinks you are cheating him out of what he wants in life because you are expecting him to do things that are not in his nature--like have sex with you. You become the reflection of his realization every time he looks at you.  He blames society for forcing him into this situation--and guess what? You are part of that society and perhaps the biggest offender because you are the jail keeper holding the key to his happiness--and you're not giving it up. If this doesn't have any true logic in your mind--well, join the rest of us. No, it doesn't make sense, but that is what happens when you are living with a man who is a stranger in a world that is strange to him. Remember what I teach you--gay men don't think straight.

One more comment about this article. It states at that end:

Isak Dinesen has been quoted as saying “all sorrows can be borne if you put them in a story or tell a story about them.” Perhaps robbing someone of his or her story is the greatest betrayal of all.

This is so true. For those of you who are being "shut up" by your husbands/ex-husbands who make you promise to keep this secret to yourself, they are stopping you from telling your story. I'm not saying that you have to shout it from the rooftop, but you are allowed to tell people who will give you support. Too many women live in the secrecy of their husbands' demands which state, "You better not tell anyone--or else." The "or else's" range from running away with your children to just running away and taking everything." If you allow him to do this, you are robbed of your voice. And as Dinesen concludes, "Perhaps robbing someone of her story is the greatest betrayal of all."

This article can be viewed in full at this link: 

After you read the article, read the responses that people sent in. Some of the readers' comments address having a gay husband.



As most of you are aware, this year I started a support group for adult children of gay fathers. I thank my friend Barbara in California for pursuing this with me in hopes that her adult son Jason would receive some support. Little did I know while organizing this group how much valuable information I would learn thanks to Jason and the other young adults who have opened my eyes to the pain that they suffer in these situations.

I used to think that the children didn't have to know about their gay fathers in all circumstances. I would agree with the parents who found no need to disillusion their children's worlds at various ages--especially during adolescence. Why dump this news on them? Why make them question their own sexuality? Why create barriers between them and their friends who may not want to be bothered with them when they learn the news? Also, 28 years ago, when there was so much homophobia due to AIDS, why have your kids put into a worse situation in school where they could be isolated by social pressure? If you think I'm overstating this--I'm not. It happened to me with my own son when he was in nursery school and someone saw me on a television show. At that point, AIDS hysteria was so strong that if someone was public about being gay, they were treated as a leper. People were scared as this deadly epidemic was at its height and we knew so little about it. It was so sad that people who were infected with AIDS could not even get proper medical treatment in the hospital because some of the medical personnel feared catching it thinking it was airborne. Anyway, the woman gathered some of the other parents and petitioned the school to throw my son out or they would remove their children. They said if my son had a gay father, he could be spreading AIDS to their children. This was in 1986. You can only imagine my horror. It was strong enough to have me walk right into a bigger closet than my husband had ever lived in. I was terrified for my children.

But those days have passed. AIDS is now a controllable disease with the proper medication. We know how you do catch it--and more importantly, how you don't catch it. Also, homosexuality has come a long, long way over the past 25 years. Does that mean we are finished with homophobia? Of course not. It will always be with us just like discrimination of minorities and hatred of Jews. This is the way life is. But it is far better, and with the acceptance of gay marriage in a number of states, you can see that people's minds are changing in many places.

It is now time for us to be honest with our children about their fathers. It doesn't matter how old they are. After you have time to absorb the news, it is time to tell them. And when you do tell them, it MUST BE in a positive way regardless of how much hurt you are feeling. And regardless of how angry you feel, the news has to be without anger. It has to be without confusing your gay husband with homosexuality. Here are some of the reasons why.

First, children who grow up in a home where there is a lack of affection always wonder what a relationship should really be like. It affects them in their own relationships in future years because they are modeling themselves after YOUR marriage. That means that they will be willing to settle as we did for less than they deserve.

Next, regardless of how much you would like to think that you were hiding your feelings, you weren't. Children grow up knowing that you are unhappy and something is wrong in the house. They have the same sense that something is wrong that you have. Just like you don't know what it is, they don't know what it is either--and they personalize it. What are they doing wrong? How come their parents aren't happy? A lot of unnecessary self-blame goes on here.

As much as we don't want to deal with this reality, some of you will have gay children. Every mother who talks to me says it won't matter--she will love her child regardless of his or her sexuality. But if "gay" is a secret equating into "bad," then these children will struggle with their homosexuality in the same way their fathers have. Wouldn't it be better for them to understand how this happened and not learn to hate themselves for something they had no choice in? Do you want them to repeat the same mistakes that their fathers made and get married to some unsuspecting woman or man? I hope not.

What are you telling your children about homosexuality if you have to hide it from them? We give them the message that it is "bad" because we have to keep it a secret. Isn't it better to give your children the message that the marriage was an unintentional mistake because your husband didn't realize he was gay and was trying to fight whatever feelings he had because that is how people were raised back then and in many places, even today? Tell them that you both loved each other when you got married and conceived them out of that love. Let's not drag our own personal feelings of betrayal into the conversations with the children. They are already vulnerable and compromised by a marriage that wasn't real for you.

Many of the adult children who have come to me knew that their fathers were gay before their mothers knew. They live with the guilt that they weren't there for you to tell you. They were scared of telling you because they didn't want to break up the marriage. They became the "Keeper of the Secret" that could rip the family apart. This is guilt they have to work on getting rid of or it effects their lives and relationships with others.

Be aware if you keep attacking their father in front of them, they are going to feel forced  in some cases to side with their father. Even if they see your point of view, they will jump to the defense of the attacked parent to prove they love that parent. Your children do not need to be your sounding board. Our job as mothers is to make them feel secure and reassured that they are loved by both parents--even if that love isn't equal on both sides.

My ex-husband lacked fathering skills when my children were growing up. It was fathering under his terms when he felt like it. He was too pre-occupied with himself and making himself happy. And yet, I kept those comments and remarks for my family and friends--not for my children. I knew that they would know the truth when they grew up. While they were young, I created a better picture for them. Trust me--it was NOT for him--it was for them.  I knew even then that children are made up of two parents. When you say angry words about their father, that part of them feels bad. You may feel your child is "Mommy's little girl or boy," and maybe they are. But they still know who their father is. This is not about straight and gay. This is about parenting. No child likes to feel rejected by a parent. 

My point is this. Children need to love their parents--both of them. They also need to feel that their parents love them--both of them. This is not easy when you are dealing with some men who put their own needs and happiness ahead of their children's. But if we love our children, we need to do that for their mental well-being. If you tell your children about your husband's homosexuality in a positive way, it will go a lot further for their well being. If you talk to them in anger about it, they will get a message that part of them is responsible for your unhappiness. Remember--they are children. They don't have the ability to think as adults do.

I have seen mothers who think they are protecting their children from the truth end up on the losing end of this battle. When they find out that you knew but never told them because you were trying to "protect" them, they will not appreciate it. They will always wonder what other information you weren't telling the truth about. Just like you question how much of your marriage was real, they will question how much of their childhood was real. Look, I'm not making this stuff up. I'm just repeating what I've learned from your children.

Your children need to know--and they need to know from you before someone else tells them. Your husband/ex-husband has the right to tell them with you, but if he doesn't want to tell them the truth, then you tell them. The old theory of the "right time" or a "good time" is no longer part of my thinking. This is news that is never good to tell--but it needs to be told. And it should never be told in anger no matter how angry you are. You have every right to be angry--but that should not be passed down to the children. That's why I have support chat three times a week--so you can vent your anger with other women who are understanding of your struggle. Your children shouldn't have to be part of that venting.

The article on betrayal has to be applied to our children as well. They have to grieve and mourn in the same way we do. They may not feel comfortable discussing it with you because you are their mothers, and they don't want you to hurt more than they already see you hurting. I encourage you to send me your children. I will provide them a safe haven where they can find the support and help they need to move on in their lives like you need to in your life. Homosexuality is not the kind of secret that needs to be kept in the closet anymore whether you husband chooses to stay there or not. You need to have your voice heard, and your children need to hear the truth.


Some women find my radio show a link to their sanity, and for that reason, I keep it coming each and every week with my wonderful friends who are there to give you comfort as well. If you can't listen live to the shows, you can listen whenever you have the time. Suzette Hinton is my co-hostess the first Sunday of every month, and Dr. Brian Hooper is my co-host the last Sunday of every month. In between, I have some dynamic speakers who help our women with understanding and healing.

This Sunday night, October 20, I am excited that Mike from Linked Investigations will be joining us. Many of you have learned so much from him over the past year when you need to learn ways to find the truth about your husband. You can cut and paste these links into your browser:

Mike Private Investigator - October 20

Dr. Brian Hooper - October 13

Suzette Hinton - October 6

Wendy from Texas - September 22