OCTOBER NEWSLETTER 2014

BONNIE KAYE'S STRAIGHT TALK

 OCTOBER 2014     Volume 15, Issue 157

Bonnie’s Mantras:

LIFE WAS NEVER MEANT TO BE THIS COMPLICATED. PERIOD.

YOU CAN'T FIX A BROKEN MAN--BUT HE CAN BREAK YOU!

Help support Bonnie’s mission to help women and men in pain. Purchase her books from her website at www.Bonniekayebooks.com.

Please "Like" my new FB page at Bonnie Kaye, Author. Thanks!

CALIFORNIA HEALING WEEKEND

Last weekend, 25 women gathered in Los Angeles from all over the country to participate in my semi-annual healing weekend. It is so validating for these women to meet others in their struggle to remind them that they are not alone. Although we come from all different locations, cultures, religions, and economic strata, the emotional impact is always the same. What we learn from each other cannot be written about in a few words. Support is so important to the recovery process. I was so happy to reunite with some of my most favorite women in the world and meet some new women who were merely names on an email before this. I learned from each and every one of them about the strength that we all have within and the battles that we all must conquer in time. There is no quick fix to Gay Husband Recovery, but support along the way makes the road that much easier. As I told our women, there will be a day when the term "Straight Wife" does not define you anymore. That is the goal!

DETERMINING TERMINOLOGY

I am now in my 30th year of giving support and counseling in the straight/gay arena. Although I have a lot of people on my side, I still have some heavy-duty detractors who continue to challenge me on issues like "Bisexuality" and "Gay Porn." Most of the time it is men who get angry when I tell them that they are gay when they insist they are not. Sometimes their wives are angry when they insist that their husbands are not like those "gay ones" that I write about. Okay. So go live happily ever after when your husband comes home after some male sexual encounter. More power to you--I couldn't do it.

People accuse me of being so "black and white" with no shades of gay....excuse me..gray. Yes, that is true. I don't quite get it. I am VERY pro-gay. Why can't men who are having sex with a penis feel the same way? Why do they need to hide under the pretense that they are NOT gay because they would never kiss a man? I don't think kissing a man on the lips is nearly as revealing as kissing him halfway down his body on his organ--but that's me. Jaded. 

One of our wonderful women at the healing weekend expressed it best to me. She is not going to call her husband "gay" because he'll dispute it by stating he has a wife and four children. Instead she will tell the children that their father has sexual encounters with men, and then they can call it what they want. I really like this approach. No name calling or labeling. Just the facts, Ma'am. I do think this can resolve things much better when it comes time to telling the children!

GOOD ADVICE FROM OUR MAGGIE

My dear friend Maggie sent me an article from an attorney, Bruce Provda, who gave some important tips for women when they are divorcing a narcissist. Since many of us are or have been married to a narcissist, I thought this information could really help.

Pay attention, ladies!

Six Important Tips When Divorcing a Narcissist

By Bruce Provda, Esq, July 08, 2014

The challenge of going through a divorce pro-se, a Latin term meaning “on one's own behalf,” is something many people face every day. With some preparation, and these six tips, you can make it through the nightmare and come out alive.

Preparation. Prepare yourself for the legal fight you have coming. Free divorce workshops and support groups are offered in many towns. Progressive court systems are now offering free clinics for people who will be representing themselves in one of life’s most difficult chapters. Visit the courthouse where your divorce will be heard. Sit for several hours and observe the judge and attorneys. Become comfortable in the environment. It can be intimidating to people who have never been through legal proceedings before.

Hunker Down. Go ahead now and accept the possibility that some of your family and friends will fall for the narcissist’s tendency to tell the story in a convincing manner. Don’t hold a grudge against those in your circle who buy into his or her manipulations. Remember, you also once believed the things you were told. Narcissists will not tolerate failure and this makes it improbable that your soon-to-be-ex will accept any responsibility for the ending of the marriage. You may be the target of a vicious smear campaign and painted as a villain. Be strong and take the high road and eventually the narcissist will be seen for who they truly are. It always happens.

Document. Document. Document. Keep a daily agenda-style journal for recording things that happen. For more important items — or items too large to document in your journal — send an email to yourself in which you spell out the event. Keeping all documents and paperwork in binders —coordinated with your journal — divided by year, month and day, will make retrievable of even the most arcane piece of information easier.

Organize. In connection with the advice above, make sure you get — and stay — organized. Find a system that works for you. Some people maintain strictly digital records. Others use a binder system and others use some combination. The best retrieval system will be one that’s simple and that you will use consistently.

Stop Talking. Or at least limit your communication with your soon-to-be-ex. Keep conversations short and unemotional. If zero contact is impossible, especially if you have children together, then try to limit your communication to emails or texting. Anything that will make sure you can easily keep a record will help. Establish personal boundaries and don’t waiver. Narcissists get their energy from being able to control you. Do not give in to their twisted hunger by giving them what they request.

Maintain Composure. When it’s finally time to face your spouse in the courtroom, make sure you are completely prepared. Thorough preparation will help you stay focused and composed when the problems get too sticky. When you face false accusations, be sure to answer calmly and be ready to provide credible information based on facts. Staying focused will keep you from getting caught up in the need to defend every small allegation and wasting energy. To be successful and maintain composure while the narcissist is testifying, take notes of things that you would like to address, but don’t get sidetracked. Stay focused and stay strong and centered.

Probably no one told you this process will be easy. If you can make a conscious decision to be a survivor instead of a victim, the knowledge you’ve gained can be life-changing as you go through the steps. Divorce is difficult under the best of circumstances. If you find yourself going up against a narcissist as your own representative, then fasten your safety belt and use the oxygen mask if you need to.

SUGGESTION FROM OUR STRAIGHT WIFE SISTER, SUSAN

I received a letter the other day from Susan B. who is a part of this network. Susan was very generous in sharing her story in the Straight Wives Shattered Lives" series. I thought that her suggestion was an excellent one, so I am sharing it with you. I had the pleasure of meeting Susan face-to-face at the California Healing Weekend. It was a wonderful moment for me to meet a caring, sharing woman who was willing to tell her story.

I asked Susan if I could share her letter with you because what she has requested is something that I believe is such an important need for all of us. Here it goes!

Bonnie,

Going through this terrible journey, where to be honest most of the time I would have preferred to go to sleep and simply not wake up, I am reminded that I am not alone.

Because of you, I have discovered an entire worldwide sisterhood who completely understand every single nuance of my pain and suffering. I call you all my SIB-lings. My “Sisters In Bonnie”.

My SIBlings understand why I cry all of the time, am depressed, have lost joy, feel hopeless.

My SIBlings understand the loss of self worth, feeling ugly, and unlovable.

My SIBlings get how difficult it is to have a clear vision of the future when the goal is just to get through a single day at times.

My SIBlings understand how I feel used, robbed of my life, and thrown into an Alice in Wonderland world of confusion and disbelief.

My SIBlings understand the deep anger, the time involved just to process what has happened, and that the “getting over it” will take a great deal of time, if it completely happens at all in our lifetime.

My SIBlings understand in a way that our families, friends and coworkers cannot, because they have not lived through this nightmare, which is the reason for this email.

I have a suggestion!!!!!!!! No, okay, I have a desperate NEED, a need that I KNOW each and every other SIB shares.

I have purchased your books and find that how you explain our situation is easy to read and understand, so I need/want/beg you to write one for our families and friends.

A booklet-something small, direct,  and to the point-which clearly explains what has happened to us and what we are going through.

A booklet that explains why a gay man would marry a straight woman, since many of them just do not believe this could happen.

A booklet that explains how a life of deception unravels us.

A booklet that describes to OTHERS the reasons why we are in the state we are in, and how they can help us through it.

It could cost $5, and we could buy 30 of them, if that is what we needed,  to hand out to family and friends.

The preface could basically say:

“You are getting this booklet because someone whom you are important to wants you to understand her journey.  You cannot be expected to completely understand the magnitude of this life event unless you have walked in her shoes, but your support and validation will assist in her recovery. Thank you for loving and helping her.”

Maybe in your next newsletter you could ask your world of SIBlings what they would like to see in it?

I will be more than happy to put this together for our women. I won't charge money for it as long as you don't mind printing it out as a Microsoft document. I will then see about having it run off as a booklet if you would like to buy it at cost for $5.00 plus shipping.

If you would like me to answer a question for you in this document that you can share with others, please send it to me at Bonkaye@aol.com. In the headline, type "Question for Booklet." 

This will be for the people in your life who don't understand our journey in hopes that they can realize what we are going through.

And Susan--what a great idea! Thanks! xoxoxoxo

MAILBAG - Ladies, thank you for always sharing such remarkable thoughts!

Dear Bonnie,  

This truly is one thought as I am sick right now, but it came to me laying here.  It's probably been said before, but here goes:

"It takes so much courage for these gay men to "come out," finally.  But how much more cowardice do they have for the years and decades they lie, blame, sometimes abuse and belittle their wife for being herself, which is a woman."

We should be celebrating the guys who come clean earlier on, not just random "coming out" with no accountability for the prison sentence they forced on another soul(s).  Where to draw the line?  Well mine didn't get real with me for 14+ years, and even now he is going to the arms of another woman (no joke). So I guess I can plug in the average age a woman lives, minus the stress of a gay/straight "marriage", and any abuse, that takes years away, and celebrate the estimated years left?!

Things ARE finally falling into place!  I am towards the end at 38 years old, yay!   

I found a picture in his stuff as I organized and got his stuff in the garage.  Looked gay to me..  Four naked hairy butts, all super close to each other.  Straight guys would not sit that close period (even dressed), and straight guys wouldn't take a picture, and a straight guy would not keep that picture (hidden).  My husband was in that picture.  Now he is with his ex-girlfriend, who has NO idea.  Heck, I have NO idea WHO this man is that I was married to all these years.  Some gay guys sure do have NPD (not just the traits).  

Such a good thing I found it because pictures don't lie.  And he has played so many mind games.  I feel my guilt fading away with the family photos that are now off the walls.  Only the ones of my kids remain :-)

You know, the sad thing is, Bonnie,  these men struggle with coming towards their most authentic selves.  So they gravitate towards the most authentic women they can find, discourage these women from being THEIR authentic selves, then after using these women and children, they decide it's convenient to now find their authentic selves.  So now ALL the members of the family for the FIRST time have to find themselves, who they are, but the men get sympathy and a party.  The women will never know who they would have been had those years not been stolen.  Instead, they have to remember who they were before the gay man posing as a real husband, and who they think they want to be now.  They have to put together the pieces, while losing the middle pieces that were all a lie.  Then they have to mend themselves to make the pieces connect, without the middle pieces.

The crazy thing is that the girl I was when I innocently and loyalty said my vows, was not homophobic, and knew my own sexuality to its core.  I was MORE sexual and open about sex than many of my (young 20's) girlfriends, and very passionate.  I felt like sex was the reason to live!  I felt like those moments of intimacy were glimpses of heaven, escape and freedom from all oppression!  I loved sex, and I wanted my marriage to take this to newer heights, levels and exploration.  This was one of the main reasons I wanted to get married.  Unfortunately, I also viewed my vows as a commitment to work through anything.  Hence the dilemma and the length of time it took me to see, and to be okay with breaking away.  And truthfully, it was more the abuse that justified my filing for the divorce.  But, oh how I missed the tenderness, the touch of another, the long intimate talks, especially during the afterglow moments of collapsing, bodies folding in perfection, the teasing anticipation, the REAL kisses, the looks of love and desire, getting to look with love and desire, giving, taking, wanting, needing, flirting, blushing.  Nope, that was not allowed.  That was indoctrinated into me slowly, steadily, and craftily.  Probably as he was having gang bangs, one-on-one passion, and whatever pleased him!

Ok, maybe you can help me find my voice, my articulation here.  WHAT to say to people who sympathize with my husband's sexuality issues?  I find that I am defensive...like it's okay for ME to be his supporter in finding himself, but I don't like it when others sympathize to ME about him?  It makes me glad I decided not to watch Brokeback  Mountain yet.  I guess I wish people would keep their sympathy and support to the kids and me, and their sympathy towards him....to him.  I mean, are people going up to HIM saying, "Wow, the way your wife and kids must feel is unbelievable."  The pain of KNOWING your sexuality but to have it robbed by someone who doesn't know or want to know theirs is such a double, triple, exponential tragedy.  What a sick world, and what sick choices of individuals to make THEIR tragedy everyone else's.  Then what about the way you are handling your wife and kids now?  How selfish, how cruel.  Those poor kids, with no understanding of what happened, and just thinking their father is no longer interested in being in their life (though that's not new, because emotionally you never had much to give as a shell of a man)...wow, you really CAN see it from these straight people's points of view in this crazy world, can't you bro?"

You can share any of my ramblings.  I feel like I have nowhere else to share right now.  Being a wife of a straight/gay marriage feels like being the slave's slave.  Both have a long way to go to be truly free.  Sometimes the world accepts, while at the same time it chastises the slave.  The slave is more of the focus of humanitarians everywhere, sometimes getting recognition, sometimes being hated.  The slave's slave is just nonexistent, except fot the WONDERFUL world of technology...and the others like the subgroup of the politically recognized, who ban together, and the woman who started this.  I am not trying to glorify you, Bonnie.  It IS a great thing when one can use their own life's experience to make such a difference.  It is what many of us wish to do, even in small ways.  We don't want the bad experiences to be a waste.  We want them to be used for good, so good can triumph.  It is a great thing.  

Thanks,

Annabelle

Dear Bonnie,

This I write after a couple glasses of wine, my divorce will be final, hopefully, Friday.  I can only say to all the women out there that there is healing.  I was married almost 23 years when he finally admitted that he was "attracted to men".  This after 3 years and 30 plus encounters with men he met online.  

I need let others know that though he is an ass and used me more than half my life and my entire adult life was a lie, I choose to not let this define me.  I am more than the sum of my history.  I believe that the world is bigger than the pain others inflict.   

Please post this as anonymous.

HAVE A MONTH FILLED WITH HAPPINESS AND PEACE!

LOVE, BONNIE ♥