NEXT HEALING WEEKEND
My next HEALING WEEKEND will be in the Orange County, CA area from April 12 - 14, 2019. If you would like to be part of this amazing weekend, please email me at Bonkaye@aol.com and put the word “Healing” in the subject box. I will send you the details this month. There is no charge for the weekend outside of travel, lodging, and food. This is a life-changing experience for people who need help during the grieving and recovery process.
NEW BLOG: Please visit my new blog on my website at www.gayhusbands.com. You'll see the icon that will take you there. Read stories from women in our network and feel free to send me your story to share. You can use whatever ame you like--real or not! WE TOO--SILENT NO MORE!
GAY HUSBANDS WHO REMARRY WOMEN
In my private support group, a number of women find themselves (a) extremely angry, (b) extremely hurt, or (c) extremely confused (most likely all three) when they find out that their gay husbands who totally rejected them sexually are now remarrying another woman. Can this be possible that a man who has admitted to you that he prefers men is once again getting married to a woman? Yes, it is.
When it happens, women feel sucker punched all over again and less validated than ever. All of the people we have told our truths to shake their heads in disbelief--towards US.
- "How could your husband be gay if he is marrying another woman?" is what they think--or say.
- You are a "vindictive little bitch of a scorned wife" spreading rumors about your husband saying he is gay when he found a lovely new wife.
- Your family questions why you are doing this to your husband. Your credibility to those who begrudgingly supported you because they also thought he was such a "great guy" goes down, down, down the drain.
What's even worse is that you start to question YOURSELF.
- Maybe I wasn't enough of a woman for him.
- Maybe I should have lost more weight...gained weight...enlarged my breasts....
- Maybe I wasn't supportive enough for him.
- Maybe I was too pushy--too demanding.
When it comes to this issue, ignorance abounds and is plentiful. Here are some of the comments that I have heard from "outsiders" through the years when they see your gay husband remarry a woman:
1. He isn't really gay. He told her that because he wanted out of the marriage and thought she'd be happy to let him go. After all, why would he marry someone else if he's gay?
2. Well, if he was "gay" when he was married to her, can you blame him? She was so controlling...unattractive...demanding....mental....but now he found a real woman so that proves it wasn't true.
3. How could he be gay? He doesn't look gay or act it--but she isn't very feminine. She's probably the gay one. After all, he found a very nice new wife.
Yes, I've heard these and numerous other slanderous stories about straight wives. This is why we stay locked up in our husbands' closets for so long--fear of getting slapped down one more time by one more ignorant person. After a while, you just shut up. It's easier than trying to validate yourself with every uninformed ignoramus you run into.
The truth is there are some gay men who are serial criminals. They withhold their information to all of their future wives. And I say wives--because some of these men are responsible for multiple marriages after you. They will do anything to make sure that people think they are straight. And sadly, in many cases they think they are straight.
It's so interesting to watch all of these men who are NOT straight justify how they are. You know how I say the penis is the dividing line? Well, it's not to them. They just like a little "spice" in their lives. Or they'll call their wives "prudes" because they don't want to swing with other men--and them or because their wives refuse to wear "penis gear."
Some of these men go with transgender or watch trans porno. They really feel safe from that label of "gay." After all, the transgender has breasts and "identifies" as a female. That means your husband is straight because he is attracted to breasts and wanna be women. I always say it doesn't matter how you dress it up--a penis is a penis--and if you want to think about it, fantasize about it, touch it, play with it, or more--let's agree to call it at least "NOT STRAIGHT." I think that some men could at least admit to that classification rather than "gay" if it makes him feel better.
Don't ever believe that your gay husband is going to be any different with his new wife. These guys don't change because they can't. Their new wives will live the same frustrations as you do as you'll read in one of my classic articles below:
Bonnie Kaye Klassic
I wrote about this nearly 16 years ago when I described the Straight-Gay man. Since many of you may not have read it, and since it is keeping with this topic, I'd like to share it again.
WAITING FOR HIS CONFESSION THAT WILL NEVER COME…AND WHY
I have coined a new term for another classification of gay husbands. It is “Straight Gay Husbands.” I hope you like it. It is my new reference to gay men who are permanently living the straight life, sort of like wolves in sheep’s clothing. They are the husbands who will not acknowledge their homosexuality privately or publicly--ever. Some of them know that you know, but try to confuse you enough to put enough doubt in your mind to make you think that you are the crazy one. It’s the best defense to your “offensive” questions. These are the men that shut you up or shut you down the moment you think about making mention of the possibility of homosexuality. They know what they are, and they know what you suspect, but keep your mouth shut because they don’t want to hear about it--especially from you.
These men are different than the gay husbands that admit they are gay/bisexual but promise not to act on those needs while they remain married to you. (Like we really believe that story!) They are also different than the gay husbands who are leading very secret lives and not leaving a trail of crumbs for you to follow. They are not even quite like the Limbo Men I have described who are caught in between two worlds. These are men who are definitely not stuck. They are identifying strictly as straight. There is no way they are entering the gay world through the front or back door, or even through the closet. They detest the gay world and what it stands for which gives them even greater reassurance, at least to themselves, that they are not gay.
The Straight Gay Men are the ones who have to remain in total control of all of their physical motions lest someone should suspect they are not quite as straight as they claim. It’s funny how many women tell me how their husbands’ physical appearances, gestures, and movements change once they come out. I can’t even fathom how difficult it must be to have to go through life calculating every breath and step you take. It’s sort of like walking down a sidewalk and having to make sure that you “don’t step on a crack or you’ll break your mother’s back” as the game use to say. My balance and coordination never let me win that game.
These husbands are quick to use you and the children as their proof that they are not gay to the outside world just in case they let their guard down and anyone might accuse them of the “unthinkable.” They honestly don’t identify as gay even though they have sex with men. They don’t get themselves involved emotionally with men, just sexually. That helps them justify the fact that they are straight, not gay.
Some women can’t understand this. If you look like a duck, walk like a duck, act like a duck, but have sex with a goose, are you still a duck or are you a goose? I say you’re a goose. I don't care what you act like to the outside world; I only look at who satisfies you sexually. And if you’re a duck making love to a goose, your feathers have to ruffle in a different direction when you stand up and straighten them out. But this does make things that much more confusing and complicated. So, to simplify your confusion, let me say this—STRAIGHT MEN DON’T HAVE GAY SEX. You can call it whatever makes you feel better, but I still call it gay—all the way.
Women who live with Straight Gay Men and Limbo Men are often the most commonly emotionally abused women. They would have to be. Their husbands are truly living in a complex world that makes little or any sense. They are living unfilled lives because they don’t have any emotional connections. They don’t connect emotionally with their wives because they aren’t really straight. They don’t connect emotionally with men because they refuse to be gay. And so they function but don’t connect. This lack of emotional connection creates a sense of insensitivity when it comes to your feelings and your emotions.
It also closes them up as human beings. They are unable to connect with a wife because they are living an internal--and what seems like an eternal--lie. This lie keeps overtaking any sense of good feelings towards the person whom they believe is responsible for this state of living—namely you. Now we know it is ridiculous to think that you should be their reason for living this lie, but subconsciously, this is how they feel.
As much as they love to have you as their “cover” is as much as they hate to have you sharing under their covers. They resent your nagging demands for sexual intimacy because it “isn’t their thing.” It’s your thing. And why do you have to try to make them feel inadequate just because they are? Even when you stop asking for it, you are still thinking about it and they can tell. It means they have to come up with a continuous string of stories to account for their lack of sexual behavior with you. This puts pressure on these guys who feel you are being unreasonable. Why do you have to make such a big deal out of sex?
They feel that in all other ways, they are ideal husbands. They are there raising the family with you. They are helping to support your financial needs or at least sharing in them. They are taking part in the social activities that you have decided are important. They are doing lots for you—and how do you show your appreciation? By badgering them with little innuendos and questioning looks. This really shows a lack of appreciation on your part and so they get pissed.
The Straight Gay Men think they are Supermen. And to a degree, they are. They juggle, manipulate, calculate, and carefully plan out all of their actions. It takes a lot of energy to do this, and they marvel at their ability to pull it off. It gives them an air of smugness that shows in their personality. I’m not quite sure what they think they’re pulling off because they know that you are doubtful of their explanations. There are only so many headaches, backaches, depressions, and side effects from medication that you can keep relying on. But they feel confident if they use these excuses enough, you’ll give up. Most women do. As I’ve said before numerous times, no woman wants to feel like she has to beg her husband to make love to her. It’s degrading and demeaning. We get the hint after enough sexual rejection and stop asking. But it doesn’t mean that we stop thinking—and wanting.
Every time we see other couples holding and caressing lovingly together, this is a reminder. It’s a reminder of what we thought we should have had but never were able to achieve. It’s a reminder of what our hopes and dreams were for married life when we took that life-altering step and said, “I do.” We are momentarily reminded of what marriage was supposed to be, but never became. And this sadness shows in our faces, in our eyes, and in our hearts. When our husbands glimpse at us, they know what we are thinking. They know what we are wishing. They know that the words they don’t want to hear may possibly be coming out of our mouths at any moment. Rather than take a chance and have to come up with one more excuse, they find some way to knock us down and put us back into the non-assertive mental state that they so easily know how to do.
We are women who have been conditioned. Remember, Straight Gay Men remain in the marriages indefinitely and have years to erode your sense of self-worth. They are not going anywhere, and they want to make sure that you feel inadequate enough so that you won’t go anywhere either. I don’t know who could have taught these men about the facts of life and marriage, but obviously, they weren’t listening or didn’t have a teacher. Didn’t anyone ever tell them that sex is part of marriage? Didn’t they ever hear that intimacy grows from making love to the person who loves you? Do they really believe that they can sit for years in a marriage and overlook that little detail? Yes, they do. And we become their silent partners because we have been silenced on the issue of sex.
The irony is that even if you leave these men, as some women do, they will remarry again. Yes, they will remarry another woman. They will still do their occasional gay sex thing to satisfy their sexual need, but that goes with the territory. It is amazing to me how these men can live such a delusional existence until the day they die. And they will drag other women into their webs of deceit. The next victim (and men who do this more than once are victimizers) will fall for it just like you did—but even better. Your Straight Gay Husband has a track record. He will still use you as his shield by telling his next conquest that he was married before, ergo, he is straight. And the woman who is in a subsequent marriage with this man has no reason to question his sexuality at all. He married before; he’s marrying again. Chances are his next wife will feel even more inadequate than you feel. He’ll make sure to tell her that the two of you never had problems in the bedroom before. And if she does meet you, she’ll be too embarrassed to ask you the truth. And sadly, you’ll probably keep protecting him by keeping silent.
So if you are in a long-term marriage to a Straight Gay Man, don’t plan on things ever getting better. There may be temporary second honeymoon periods, only to prove to you once again that you are crazy for even suspecting there is something wrong with your wonder man. But it’s guaranteed that things will resort back to the “normal” pattern of digs, harsh words, and put-downs. Count on it. Then decide if this is the most that you want out of life because as long as you are in this marriage, this is all you can expect.
There is a word that describes what these husbands do: COMPARTMENTALIZE. This means he is able to keep his behaviors separate and tied up in neat packages without letting one interfere with the other. The Straight Gay Men live their lives this way. They are able to separate their need for sexual dabbling with a man from their “straight lives” as straight husbands. I do tell our women that as long as you allow your husband to live in his “compartmentalized closet,” he will remain there forever. The fact that you remain in the marriage to him allows him to justify even more that he is straight—especially in his own mind. After all, his wife isn’t going anywhere, right? This convinces him even more.So if your happiness is waiting for a confession that won’t be coming, do yourself a favor and stop waiting for it. Take control of your life and GET OUT before you allow yourself to totally lose who you are. Remember—if your husband can’t admit he is gay to himself, he will never admit it to you. In his own warped sense of reality, he is a straight man.
BONNIE'S STRAIGHT WIVES TALK SHOWS RESUME ON OCTOBER 14, 2018
My weekly podcasts resume this Sunday evening. You can listen any time at your convenience by going here:
When you go to the site, you can be asked to be notified of upcoming shows.
Have a peaceful month!
Love, Bonnie ♥