Monday, January 15, 2018


JANUARY 2018     Volume 18, Issue 188
Bonnie’s Mantra:
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It's interesting. In my last newsletter, I wrote about the confusion of the Kinsey Scale of Human Sexuality. Over the years I often thought to myself, "What kind of man could possibly come up with a scale with so many ridiculous categories when it could be as simple as "straight" or "not straight?" How much thought would that have taken?
After the article last month, one of my readers was kind enough to send me some very interesting information about the famous--or shall I say infamous--Dr. Kinsey. The information was beyond interesting--it was chilling. In fact, I'll say downright frightening. After doing some serious research with lots of confirmation information, here's what I learned about this "doctor" of perversion.

This was the information she shared:

"Quote from New York Times book review of his biography: “Kinsey presented himself to the world as a scientist and a conventional husband and father -- Professor Kinsey, whom even his wife called Prok. It was an essential disguise for a man exploring controversial territory, but he was in fact far more complex. James H. Jones, a historian at the University of Houston, reveals in this rich, awkward biography that Kinsey was energetically bisexual -- Jones says ''homosexual'' despite Kinsey's continuing sexual relationship with his wife -- and a serious masochist. Kinsey also organized group sex among his senior staff, their spouses and outside volunteers, which he observed and had filmed, evidently to condition his investigators to their work and bond them together under his paternal authority as well as to record sexual behavior directly.”
Kinsey was bisexual and, as a young man, would punish himself for having homoerotic feelings. He and his wife agreed that both could have sex with other people as well as with each other. He himself had sex with other men, including his student Clyde Martin.
After receiving this information, I went online to research more about Kinsey. I never believed a man who was "straight" would ever come up with a 7-point scale of sexuality. In fact, I asked 11 of my straight male friends how they felt about the scale--and they laughed. A few if then snickered. But none of them bought it. And these were men who weren't homophobic in any way--but they were straight. I asked three of my gay male friends about their thoughts about Kinsey, and they didn't buy it either. They claimed you are or you're not--and if you're are, you can pretend you're not--but you are. They also believed that it was "yes" or "no."
But getting back to the research--there were some controversies that many of us did not know about. This information was found in a number of sources on the Internet. According to one column that quoted Kinsey expert Dr. Judith Reisman from her book Sex, Lies, and Kinsey:
          Kinsey solicited and encouraged pedophiles, at home and abroad, to sexually violate from 317 to 2,035 infants and children for his alleged data on normal “child sexuality.” Many of the crimes against children (oral and anal sodomy, genital intercourse and manual abuse) committed for Kinsey’s research are quantified in his own graphs and charts.
          “Table 34” on page 180 of Kinsey’s “Sexual Behavior in the Human Male” claims to be a “scientific” record of “multiple orgasm in pre-adolescent males.” Here, infants as young as five months were timed with a stopwatch for “orgasm” by Kinsey’s “technically trained” aides, with one four-year-old tested 24 consecutive hours for an alleged 26 “orgasms.” Sex educators, pedophiles and their advocates commonly quote these child “data” to prove children’s need for homosexual, heterosexual and bisexual satisfaction via “safe-sex” education. These data are also regularly used to “prove” children are sexual from birth.

          The man heralded with enthusiasm by mainstream publications such as Time and Life Magazine was nothing less than a monstrous facilitator of child-rape. In fact, he even went so far as to record children shrieking and thrashing in pain, passing out and convulsing as the result of the hellish abuse he was putting them through, as evidence of “orgasm”—especially for children who could not yet speak.
I find this information highly disturbing--and this was the tip of the iceberg of accusations against Kinsey. To find this man a "credible" source of reason has been totally tossed off my list of any credibility after reading how his research was conducted and who it was conducted with. Of course, Kinsey had a defense for all of the accusations including that he only interviewed one pedophile for his research, and not the 9 he stated in the book. So does the information of 1 pedophile serve as credible information? Actually, does the information from 100 pedophiles make a difference when they talk about the age when a child is having an orgasm? So this sadistic pervert won't be noted in any more of my writings. And those who use his "scales" as proof need to rethink their source of "misinformation."


Each month when I post my newsletter on my blog, I have a a number of responses. Most people I hear from truly appreciate my words; however, a few do not. They challenge me and question my credibility, and I try to respond honestly based on my years of experience (nearly 35 years) and the thousands of people I have worked with during that time.
Is my way the only way? Of course not. I never say I speak for everyone in the whole wide world--just for those who are experiencing the pain that I experienced from being married to a gay husband. I never tell people what they "have to do" or "should do" if they want to do something totally different than what I believe is right. In fact, I always try to find extra resources for them so they can meet others who feel as they do.
One man wanted me to post these and other challenging remarks on my blog, but I didn't accept the comments because my blog is not a dispute board. However, I did tell him I would discuss his feelings in my upcoming newsletter with my response. Here is what he had to say and my response:

Chip has left a new comment on your post "GAY MEN DON'T THINK STRAIGHT!!":

Though it may come as a shock to her, Bonnie Kaye does not have the self-righteous monopoly on this issue. I am another example of where her myopic world view misses the mark.

I was a husband, am a father, and my ex-wife's discovery of my same-sex inclinations resulted in the break up my marriage and family. It devastated my ex-wife -- as it did me. We are now trying to get on with the new "normality".

In the months following my wife's discovery of my reality (and my simultaneous discovery of a fledgling affair of her own), I felt like I was at ground zero of a bomb blast, yet somehow survived. I began searching for clarity on both my side of the situation as well as my ex-wife's.

I know I can't speak for many other men in this situation, but in my case, I am, without doubt, predominantly attracted to females in all aspects (physically, sexually, emotionally, spiritually). My same sex interest is, and always has been, fairly limited in scope due to its origins and has proven to be much better in "theory" than in "practice". According to Bonnie Kaye and her ilk, however, this is not possible. I must be deluding myself and am simply in denial. If I followed her advice, accepted "reality", and lived as a gay man, it would be an absurd disaster (but great material for a sitcom). I would make a pathetic partner for some poor gay dude. I would always be instinctively checking out the women and secretly watching female porn. It wouldn't be long before that poor soul would be accusing me of being "straight in denial" and merely using him as a "draeb" (that would be "beard" beard spelled backwards). But to Bonnie, I am a unicorn. I do not exist. I am a "GHID". Am I 100% straight? Hell no, and I'm perfectly fine with that. What I find ridiculous is being told repeatedly, by ill-informed people, that the world is binary when it simply is not. "If you ain't straight, you're GAY!" Yea, right.

I have spent hours reading the stories of women who have been in the shoes of my ex-wife and I have become increasingly sympathetic to their plight. The storied are heart-wrenching. Meanwhile, I am empathetic to the silent counterparties in these stories -- the men who made very bad choices and hurt the people in their lives. Reading much of the commentary here, and reading/listening to Bonnie Kaye and her ilk would have me believe that I am an incorrigible piece of self-delusional, "narcissistic" piece of crap beyond any hope of self-discovery and self-improvement. Certainly some of these men are very bad and abusive men, but the majority are probably guys like me: generally well-meaning, non-abusive guys who made horrible choices that they deeply regret and who are trying to find a way to put their lives back together just as their ex-wives are trying to do.

Sure, there are many guys who really would prefer to live a gay life but chose otherwise when they married a woman and these guys certainly should move on with the life suited to them. But, for those of us that move on and find a new girlfriend or wife, we are just accused of hiding behind another "beard", when in fact, being with a woman in all respects is the most natural thing we know.

I am not defending my actions of breaching the trust of my ex-wife. That was my failure. That I truly regret. That I own. I have learned some tough lessons and it will not happen with my new wife. My need to unfulfilling explore fantasies is nowhere near my need to live with integrity in the best way that I can. I have learned very painfully that it is not worth it - at least for me.

I imagine Bonnie Kaye she has helped some people and may have some valid perspectives, but the bitterness, ire, inaccuracy, and self-contradiction of her relentless invective create a cacophony of distraction when what is most needed is clarity.

          Chip, I do acknowledge your pain. I also acknowledge that you do not consider yourself gay. And Chip, I am not saying that you are gay. More importantly. what I think should have no bearing on your thinking. I respect your feelings and appreciate your story. I know there are men who struggle greatly in their lives with sexual issues, and I don't mean to minimize them in any way. I do know there are men who don't want to live a "gay life" as you call it, nor do I proclaim to have all of the answers. I do know this--there are some women who truly don't care if their husbands have had previous pr present experiences or fantasies with men because they don't feel it affects them or their relationships. But I hope you can understand that there are women--the overwhelming majority of them in situations such as this--who don't feel that way and don't want to even consider a marriage with a man in this situation--and that's okay too. The important thing in life is to find someone who can be your soulmate in every sense. Be honest with her ahead of time so it won't be an issue later on.
          As for me, my life moved on to a wonderful place. I found my soulmate 24 years ago, and I am not bitter over my marriage to my ex-husband who died in October of this past year. We made our peace long ago, and he gave me a wonderful gift before he passed away--the gift of truth including repeated sincere apologies for hurting me first on his own through our 39 year journey and then with some psychotic people who believed they could destroy me and my work. However, I do get angry for the misfortunes of so many of the people I work with--both straight wives and gay husbands--whose lives are thrown so totally off track because of this issue.
          Chip, I hope you find someone who can love you as you deserve to be loved. That's my wish for you. I won't be debating you, but I'm more than happy to have you write to me any time you need support. I will be there for you!

With hope for your happiness,


Dr. Karin Huffer is an amazing family therapist who is an adjunct professor at the renowned John Jay University. She conducts an online course to get people certified as an ADA Advocate that you can access from home on your computer. Dr. Huffer states that many of us suffer from PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder) following our marriages, and PTSD is a disability that allows you to have an advocate in court helping you through the process. Most of us do not understand how to work through the court system during our divorces. We are nervous at best, and often don't understand what is being said with legal jargon. Your lawyer may not necessarily find it important to explain everything to you making you feel more lost and confused. An advocate can be by your side before, during, and after the case.

Two weeks ago, Dr. Huffer was the guest with my co-hostess for the show, Debra Sutton. Debra had taken the course two years ago and found it wonderful as far as helping others with advocacy who are part of our network.

 Dr. Huffer explained that an advocate ensures that the functionality of a client in a legal setting is protected under the ADAAA against all harassment, retaliation, and false accusation. Advocates act on behalf of their loved ones or clients, not by practicing law, but by arranging accommodations to offset symptoms, alerting the court to deliberate abuses, and providing much-needed support to the litigant.

A Certified ADA Advocate has completed an accredited program through John Jay College of Criminal Justice.
They can then:

• Come onto a case as a consultant and expert witness
• Review each case determining accommodations
• Arrange evaluations to assess additional needs
• Prepare a confidential request submitted to the court requesting accommodations
Anyone can apply to become a certified advocate and can practice in any state. There is no pre-education requirement to do this. Professionals in both the legal and medical fields especially benefit from certification, ensuring they are in compliance with the new ADA regulations established on 10/11/2016 as well as adding a new level of competency to their practice.
To learn more information about becoming an advocate and to sign up for the course, visit Dr. Huffer's website at:
To hear Dr. Huffer's show with the information of how you can start this career, here is a link to our show:
For those of you who are either looking to enter the workforce or add on to your professional skills, this is an excellent opportunity to make extra income for your family. There is a new online course starting in a few weeks, so visit the site now to sign up!


Dear Bonnie,

          I wanted to circle back to close the loop on my 11 year journey with you.  To summarize the story I wrote as "Anne" in Straight WIves, Shattered Lives (Vol 2), I discovered images that my husband had looked at online, confirming my suspicions of many years that he had interests in men as well as women.  Although I tried to persuade you that my situation was different than any of the other 30,000 or so stories you had heard, you stood firm.  I eventually came around to realizing that I needed to end my sham of a marriage but it took 10 years to execute. 

The wisdom you generously shared through 1 on 1 emails, even a phone call, your monthly newsletters, and my participation in one of your weekend workshops have all been instrumental in my moving through divorcing a narcissist and keeping my sanity.  The stories of women finding true love the second time around kept me going all of those years.  So when I left my marriage in January 2016, I prepared myself to be miserable for two years.  In fact, I wasn't ever unhappy, although sometimes lonely.  After having given up on internet dating (not much out there for a 57 year old slightly overweight woman, right?), cupid struck!  I was out of town for a contra dancing weekend.  As I arrived and sat down to put on my dance shoes, I saw a guy from my hometown contra dance making a beeline for me from "across the crowded room." From that moment on, we've been basically inseparable.  We became intimate immediately after returning home from the dance, though the opportunities are somewhat limited as i’m a nearly full time single parent. However, last weekend, we traveled together to a dance in another city while my daughter was with her dad. 

Everything you and your readers have ever said about sex with a man who doesn’t like dicks is absolutely true. We missed half of the dance weekend because we didn’t want to leave the hotel room.  We are both crazy in love. I know this may be only a rebound for me, but time will tell. In the meantime, I’m experiencing what it feels to be truly loved vs put on a pedestal by a narcissist who sees his “loved ones” as merely means to an end.  I feel like the sexiest, most beautiful woman alive when I'm with him. 

 So to you, Bonnie, and to your community of readers, stay strong and THANKS! 

Recent radio shows:

If you haven't heard Dr. Margalis Fjelstad's program about healing after living with a narcissist, put this link in your browser:

Dr. Fjelstad has two wonderful books out that you can find at Amazon or BN. Members of my support network tell me that these books are LIFE SAVING!!!!

Have a peaceful and loving month.

Love, Bonnie