BONNIE KAYE'S STRAIGHT TALK
DECEMBER 2014 Volume 15, Issue 159
Bonnie’s Mantras:
LIFE WAS NEVER MEANT TO BE THIS COMPLICATED. PERIOD.
YOU CAN'T FIX A BROKEN MAN--BUT HE CAN BREAK YOU!
Help support Bonnie’s mission to help women and men in pain.
Purchase her books from her website at www.Bonniekayebooks.com.
Please "Like"
my Facebook page at Bonnie Kaye,
Author. Thanks!
Dear Friends,
I am sorry for the delay of this newsletter. I have moved the
time back to mid-month to coincide better with the holidays. This is a long
newsletter to keep you busy reading during the holidays in hopes of giving you
extra support.
Remember you can always find additional support by listening to
my Straight Wives computer radio shows at www.blogtalkradio.com and typing
Straight Wives Talk Show into the search bar. I have had such inspirational
guests throughout the years who will inspire you and help on your road to
recovery.
Another great resource is the free support chat for destructive
relationships with therapist Mary Ann Glynn who has been a guest on the show
several times this year and will return to the show on January 18th. On that
show, we will talk about the issues of addictions--including sex addictions and
co-dependency in relationships. Mary Ann welcomes you to join her support chat
which is every other Sunday evening. Here are the directions:
Go to Mary Ann's website at www.destructiverelationshipshelp.com
and scrolling down to the Services section on the home page. Then click on the
highlighted "live chat support group" and it will take you there as a
Guest# at the time of the chat. You will see the date of
the upcoming chat (December 21) or upcoming ones when you log on.
This chat is for all kinds of destructive relationships, but I
think you'll find some straight sisters there as well!
COPING THROUGH THE HOLIDAYS
I
know this holiday season is so difficult to most of our women. Our sister Judy
from Canada sent this excellent tip that might help:
Bonnie, in
our local newspaper, an advice columnist said that survivors should write a
letter to the person that has harmed them,(and not necessarily send it).
A reader said there is another piece to this assignment that others have
found very therapeutic. You write, to yourself, the letter you would like to receive from the other person
that has harmed you. This is helpful and excellent, as our coward ex's
may never apologize, because their denial has become a way of life to them. What..exactly..do
we need to hear from our gay spouses, to help us heal? Judy
Thanks, Judy. I think this is an excellent idea. Write the letter
you deserve to hear. It will likely be the only one you ever get!
DEBORAH'S BLOGS
Deborah
Sutton, another straight wife sister, is an extraordinary writer and supporter
of those in pain. She has articulated what most of us think and feel in her
blogs. Please check them out at the link below and join her mailing list--I
did. And I look forward to every time she blogs. Here is the link so you can
read her words from now and from the past. You can copy this link and put it
into your browser:
http://signsofagayhusbandbydebrasutton.wordpress.com/?s=debra+sutton&submit=Search
A GREAT BLOG BY JULIET JESKE
Juliet
Jeske is a wonderful writer who blogs about her life and is also a professional
clown. She shared this with us recently. I think you'll really appreciate it! I
look forward to her return to our Straight Wives Talk Show during the winter.
http://julietjeskeblog.com/2014/12/straight-spouse-when-your-life-is-not-politically-correct/
KIM BROOKS TRANSFORMATION WORKSHOPS
Kim Brooks is an excellent therapist in the Washington/VA area.
She has been a guest on my radio show in the past, and she works quite
successfully with straight wives having been one herself. Kim asked me to share
this notice about her upcoming workshop:
Ready
to push through the muck? Know someone who could use a leg up?
The January 9th-11th personal empowerment weekend is fast
approaching! I am partnering with Your Infinite Life Training and Coaching Co.
(www.yourinfinitelifeonline.com)
out of St. Louis to present their Remembrance Course especially for the straight spouse community. I took a
version of the course in 1990 after my divorce, and it was transformational.
It is a positive and thoughtful opportunity to explore obstacles
that prevent you from being the person you were meant to be. Although tuition
is usually $395, I am offering it to our community for $95. I have started a
GoFundMe campaign to underwrite the $5000 operating costs (http://www.gofundme.com/kintsukuroi)
in the hope that it will make the course affordable for anyone who would like
to attend.
If this weekend is
successful, we will offer it in San Francisco in April and Chicago in May. My
goal is for every straight spouse in America to have
the opportunity to push through whatever is holding you back in life --
whether it's grief, anger, money, whatever -- and for us to then help our fellow
str8s get back into life.
Feel free to email me at kim@straightforwardcounseling.com
with questions, or go straight to http://yourinfinitelifeonline.com/enroll.php to
sign up. Look for the January 9th "Remembrance Course." (The website
says $395; it is $95. Didn't want to upset enrollees in the other courses where
it's not being subsidized!)
Hope to see you in DC. Or San Francisco. Or Chicago!
Hugs,
Kim
Kim
WORDS OF WISDOM FROM HEALTH COACH JEANINE FINELLI
Yep,
I admit I am a big fan of Jeanine Finelli. She was on my Straight Wife Talk Show
on December 14th with some wonderful tips from her new book "Love Yourself
to Health...with Gusto," available on Amazon.com or BN.com. Here is a link
to the show:
http://www.blogtalkradio.com/bonnielkaye/2014/12/15/bonnie-kayes-straight-wives-talk-show
You can cut and paste it into your browser. Jeanine
shared an excerpt from her book about holidays that she asked me to share with
you in hopes of giving you some comfort:
HOLIDAYS
Once you realize your family is not
forever and you are going to leave a relationship, or have just left it, the
fallout can wreak havoc on your holidays if you let it. This new space will be
a prison if you allow it to be. What I realized, and you will too, is that
nothing can take away holiday joy because if you are celebrating these holidays
with any resemblance of the true spirit, then it lives inside of you and is
not up for grabs.
Holidays for me are a time of
celebrating faith, family, friends, and much anticipated time off from work or
school. I feel such a high when I buy gifts for those I love. I love the music,
the traditions, the food, and the memories I make. That’s the part that can
make me feel so elated. But there’s always the potential to become deeply
depressed—the worst for me is holiday time without my kids. I mourn the
departure from my old house and the memories within—laughing, children, cooking
turkeys, decorating Christmas trees, setting tables elegantly with candles and
crystal, snuggling on the couch with my kids, and watching twinkling tree
lights. This is where reframing how I think about the holidays saves me from
the slump.
Now, I will get a much smaller tree,
I will replace decorations that I lost during my divorce, I will put on my
Christmas music and dance, I will watch the flurries from my new balcony, I
will cook my favorite cookies and stews, and I will celebrate the reason for
the season. I will see my son when he comes home from college, I will visit
with friends, I will spend as much time with my daughter as possible, and I
will be grateful that I have what I have. I will get down on my knees and thank
Jesus for giving me the strength to move through this ordeal, and for the new
gifts He has so gracefully bestowed upon me, all while never giving up on me
that I will continue hear His messages that are like whispers to my heart.
My dear Bella, I wish I could give
you a hug at this moment. I want you to know that I have experienced that
misery that you feel in your heart. That terrifyingly painful ache is what
immobilizes you and keeps you standing in that very spot because the pain of
leaving is just too much to bear. This is why you must recognize it, and place
your hand over your heart and tell yourself that you love you. You must
realize that you no longer have to be doomed to life where you are the
supporting actress in someone else’s movie. You have everything you need anyway
because chances are that while you are decorating your home or even at church
on Christmas Eve, your significant other is mostly likely on a date, planning a
date, or just left a date. Let me hear a big Hell no! if that junk can
be thrown out with last year’s Christmas tree! You no longer have to live to
make someone else look good. You don’t have to bear the burden to protect
anyone anymore.
Acknowledge that you love yourself
so much, and but for a few shifts in your holidays as you have come to know
them, you are allowing more love to flow into your life, and into your
children’s lives. Open your heart to feeling and knowing the truth, and know
that around the corner lies another tree waiting to be lit, another kitchen
stove waiting to become the heart of your home, and another couch for you to
snuggle and watch Frosty the Snowman with your kids.
You gave him too much of your past.
Don’t give him your future. Give your children new memories of simple joy and a
mother who knows how to protect what is undeniably the God-given right of human
dignity. What is certain in an uncertain world is that staying where you are
will continue to kill your spirit, and could eventually kill you.bon
Be yourself, everyone else is
taken-
Jeanine Finelli, CHC Author, Speaker
www.jeaninefinelli.com www.loveyourselftohealth.com LY2H Facebook Page
www.jeaninefinelli.com www.loveyourselftohealth.com LY2H Facebook Page
Treat
yourself to the best holiday present--Jeanine's book!!! I love it and refer to
it constantly!!
AN INTERESTING ARTICLE THAT MAKES YOU GO UGHHH.....(thank you,
Patti!)
Several stories were shared by women who are part of this support
network this month. I think both are important because we have to understand
how people think in order to help how we have to readjust our thinking. I've
said this before, and I'll say it again--you cannot expect your gay husband to
react to things the way a straight man would. Remember: GAY MEN DON'T THINK STRAIGHT!! They are gay men who think like gay
men. Stop trying to come up with rational arguments when what is rational to us
is not rational to them.
Here was a column by one gay husband in the blog Explore Experiences.
One of the best or worst
parts about the Internet is that it makes you realize you are not alone.
Since I was a kid, I have felt I might be gay, yet it was something I
could not accept nor tell anyone. In high school and college, I would go
to those dirty book stores to get off with another guy, but in my social
circle, I was all man and hot for women.
My guess is that while I
tried to hide it as I grew up, by parents knew. I will never forget the
comment my dad made after meeting my girlfriend (who would become my wife).
She and I had stopped by one of his friends house where they had been
drinking, and he made the comment that she was good looking and didn't think I
had it in me. The way he said it told me he had his doubts that I was
straight.
Today, my wife and I
have been married for almost 25 years. Overall we have a good
relationship and most would consider us extremely successful. What they
don't know is that we have a sexless marriage which causes the most frustration
for both of us.
My wife and I have
discussed this issue and she has approached the "are you gay"
question multiple times but usually it is when we have been drinking and I
never give her a straight answer. I am sure she knows but has chosen to
ignore.
At this point in our
life, I think we both are of the opinion that what we have with each other is
not perfect, but there is so many other positive aspects between us, that it is
worth staying together. That and the fear of the unknown probably keep us
together. I know she has wondered if she would be able to find another
guy at her age. I worry that the grass may not be greener on the other
side if I came out.
So life goes on.
Frustration builds up from time to time until she explodes, then within a
day or two she is fine and we continue.
If you would like to read the comments made after this article,
here is the link:
http://www.experienceproject.com/stories/Am-Married-But-Gay/1020966
MAILBAG: Each month I receive numerous letters
from women after reading the monthly newsletter. For those that are
particularly moving to me, I ask permission from them to share with you. Here
you go!!!
Dear Bonnie,
Where do I start?
I am trying to remember back to the girl I once was. I had just
started out in my professional career in a specialty office where the team I
worked with sensed a special camaraderie of caring, compassion/ and a shared
humor with the patients and each other. I loved my job, and my boss had
become like a second father. I lived in one of my favorite cities of all
time, Traverse City. It is a town filled with art, culture, friendly
faces, festivals, community events, the college and some of the best dining in
America. The beauty when driving up the peninsula that cut through
the two bays was spectacularly dotted with cherry orchards and fun wineries
open for taste tours, and of course more restaurants. I lived in the same
area as my family and had an amazing apartment and a fabulous roommate that I
clicked well with.
I met my husband when I
was still in college before I moved. He was the guy out of many that
stood out. I was used to guys throwing themselves at me and had learned
to be wise and careful to their many aggressive sexual advances. It felt
like that was all guys wanted when they saw my curvy figure and blonde hair.
I was often told I had the "perfect" boobs by admirers.
He was a gentleman who seemed to want to talk. I felt like he saw me as a
whole person, not just a set of tatas. I thought this even though he
really just talked about himself and his military career. I was flattered
he saw me as a person who could carry on conversations and instantly felt a
sophistication I had desired. We got along great because I was a people
person and have always enjoyed getting to learn new things about people. I have
been told my entire life by people that they felt open to share secrets with me
that they never shared before. He talked and I put him at ease. I
loved learning all about the military and he seemed to enjoy his teacher role.
I often told him he'd be a wonderful teacher.
It was easy to say yes
when he proposed, as I had thought a lot about it by then and hoped he would.
We seemed to both want a simple life, shared a love for nature and
dreamed of a log cabin and kids. I found it easy to say yes despite the
red flags. Really the only red flag at that point was sexual, and he
seemed to have a little temper, but it didn't stay long, so I blew it off.
Also it was weird how he gloated over getting away with stuff when a cop
let him off for speeding. He said it was bc he is in the military.
It seemed slightly entitled. So I asked my mom about the sex and
she told me it always gets better after marriage. I was raised to care
about the person, and the sex was an act of love to cherish that person, so I
believed her. I didn't want to base my decision on sex when I liked so much
about him.. .how he loved his mom, our shared goals, the way we could talk, and
what I thought was love. Sex was something that could be acheived, and
besides it was something I had never had a problem with. I had some very
passionate sexual relationships before, so I knew I could help him in this way.
The passionate relationships had been bery hurtful, especially one.
So I certainly didn't want to base my future on sex. Besides, sex
is why a guy wants to get married, right? I couldn't wait to finally have
guilt free married sex whenever and however we wanted.
Yea the marriage night
was a disappointment, as two months afterward when he finally relented, in a
tent after my months of begging and asking, he told me "hurry up" as
he masturbated...i cried during that episode, and it wouldn't be the last time.
Gone were my days of believing marriage would have tender lovemaking. He
kept talking about his ex girlfriend or craning his neck towards other women
when we were out. I didn't know then that this was his game. For
the first time in my life I became self conscious. I believed I wasn't
attractive to him, and since I had been the girl who could literally win any
other guy over, I remained stubborn, puzzled and challenged. I tried
everything to try to figure out what his thing was that turned him on. I
was met with rejection after painful rejection. I became jealous of the couples
who had apparent sexual connection. I felt so undesired and unloved.
I show my love with sex, much like a guy. When it came to sex I
guess I have always been the girl with a little extra testosterone. Well
now I know this probably served to piss my husband off at me because he had
probably heard reassurances from countless guys about how sex always goes away
after marriage. Well he married the gay guy's nightmare. And I just
couldn't understand why he didn't see this libido as a gift, as I suspected
would have been to any other guy.
I took him to counseling
after counseling to specifically complain about sex and help him work through
it. They recommended he get his testosterone checked and he would always say he
knew that was not the problem. He said his sex drive was just fine,
despite the fact he never had morning wood, could not last long or go more than
once, plus it was infrequent. He was the only guy I knew with a limp all
the time. He didn't like me to touch him there or flirt. He told me
we couldn't hold hands because it was frowned upon for military officers to
show PDA with their wives. He told me in counseling and outside that it
was my fault because we were not friends. I told him we would be friends
if I got sex, and that I felt unloved and unvalued and grumpy without it.
He led me to believe I had intimidated his manhood and my personality was
off-putting. That was very hurtful. The abuse started as a slow
anger from him. It felt like couple fights in the beginning. I
believed he was a wounded man who needed love and understanding and patience.
I believed I had gone into the marriage with expectations and needed to
focus on all the good. I had held onto every word in our vows and fully
believed in general that people believed and meant these vows, except in
extreme circumstances. And my husband would never cheat, I trusted him.
Soon after we had our
first baby, I was shocked at the change I saw in him. I wondered who took
my husband and who this crazy talking man was standing in his place. It
was all on a steep downhill with no brakes. But now I had a baby I loved
with a man I wanted to share that with. I would learn that family bond
was nothing he intended to share. I felt a deep, deep pain at the loss of
connection I sensed other couples shared in their creation. It was a pain
and heartbreak like no other I had ever had until that point, and it never
stopped. The ache grew along with all of the others. So it was when
I was expressing breast milk to get our precious baby girl through surgery that
I found out he gave me a disease. He knew it as his face got white as a
ghost. He ended up telling me it was a man. We separated two
months. He then told me he had made that up bc he was so ashamed of the
truth. He then told me an entire rape story. Then months later he
told me he had thought him cheating with a woman would have made me go crazy
and report him to the military. So it was two women after all. That
STD was Chlamydia and terrifying because I was scared I would lose my
fertility. But more important was the fact that it could have been HIV and
carried through my breast milk to our daughter.
After this we went
through marriage retreats and years of counseling where he became great at
distracting from the real issue. I had been raised against prejudice, had
a gay cousin that my parents loved and mentored and just couldn't believe the
churches would judge gays. Then for the first time in my life (right
after he told me story number one) I saw this as an issue that could impact
innocent people. I saw gay as an issue that may have impacted me. I
did not want this to be true, and now not only did I feel threatened by the
slutty looking women he checked out, but now I was noticing how many guys might
be gay. I saw it as a threat on my family and I still didn't know what to
do because I didn't know if he had Madonna/whore syndrome, was addicted to
porn, was gay, a sex addict as he claimed (which we attended meetings for) or
was an alcoholic. At some point around this time I had another baby, after
contemplating it with our Christian marriage counselor. It would be the
last baby I ever desired with him because he got more abusive than ever that
pregnancy and after she was born. It felt like when I needed him most was
when he would lash out most and make it harder for me. I would end up
taking the girls to the ER and he would start a horrible fight. I felt
like I did it alone, while battling him.
I often wrote him
letters telling him I didn't want to hold him in a relationship he didn't want
to be in. He would ignore them, and say when prompted, "I don't want
to divorce, I love you". Yet he used divorce as a threat and many
other things until I saw through the threats for what they were. But not
after lots of agony. I often reached out to gay men during this time.
I had a friend in high school who is now open. I left him a
facebook message to please call me because I couldn't talk on a message. I left
my number. His reply was, "You're scaring me". I had
wanted to see if one of his buddies from Chicago near us could "test"
my husband for me. I would have paid him. But he never called.
He didn't seem to care.
I just wanted to know
what the problem was. Sometimes I thought he was gay, then I would find
regular porn. I would wonder if he had planted it purposely. I
wanted to know if I was doing everything I could. I had become so
volatile with him that I blamed myself. I tried to work on me. When he
became increasingly abusive, which I now realize was when the sex increased
(the last year we had sex together, it was improved, but still mimicked
passion...it was still missing something and leaving something in me to be
desired) the verbal abuse, anger and even physical abuse increased. The
physical abuse felt degrading and I dealt with an intense shame that I later
realized was his. I am still recovering. He told me to "shut
my suck", "shut my hole" and called me retard. The verbal
was daily for a while and in front of my daughters I want to raise with dignity
and self respect. At this point all the abuse was unprovoked. For
the last four years I disengaged and didn't' react no matter how awful he was
to the girls and I. I knew he wanted me to be as crazy as him. I
went to counseling for reinforcement.
Now my divorce is almost
final and he is with another woman. My heart aches for her and if she seeks me
out I will first be sure she is willing to listen. I have found suspicious
photos since he left. One night after we separated during the divorce, he
cried and told me he is gay but doesn't want to lose all his military buddies,
his identity, and doesn't identify with the gay community. I cried with
him and told him I will let him figure it out and that when he does become his
authentic self what a gift it would be to the girls. I only way later
realized that he never once cried for me or what he has done to the girls and
I. Yet I had cried yet again with him for him.
I believe he is a narcissist
and crazy because he talks to manipulate or because he is losing his brain
cells and mind from the very heavy nightly drinking he was doing. I
believe he has told the other woman I am pyscho and flip flopped our
conversations so I look crazy while he looks sane. So I won't help her by
going to her. He probably has her believing he sees the kids more while
he does his thing with guys. She thinks he is super dad and a victim of
me.
In my situation I was
seeking the truth. At some point I had accepted it and wanted the healing
to begin. I still want healing. I can't tell you how many times I
silently crumbled under the shower's streams of water where the kids couldn't
hear me and wails and moaning came from somewhere so deep and painful inside.
My mother's heart was ripping for my girls and I wished I knew what to
do. I felt so much guilt at leaving him a mess. You just don't leave a
man down, you don't. Not the father of my kids. Would the truth set
me free? Free of guilt? I believe it could have saved me years of
heartache and taking responsibility that wasn't mine.
I desperately wanted to
know there were and are caring gay men. I still need this. I am
hurting so bad inside. I have thought about reaching out to my gay cousin
but I am afraid of the answers. The only gay man I ever "knew" (yet
did not those 14.5 years), raped my soul repeatedly then mocked me with hateful
eyes. In order to do what he did, he had to believe I deserved it.
So he abused me and used my reactions as proof of my character. He
blamed me instead of himself. He hated me instead of himself. I
wished a gay man who was caring and patient could have reached out to me.
I find it hard to believe there are nice gay men who aren't shallow, self
centered (and serving), and vain. I have a hard time with gay rights activists.
If you gay men who slept with our husbands reached out and cared, you
could show women that real men do exist and that caring men do exist.
Often times what breaks us can also heal us. But it is so very
scary for us. I encourage you to test the woman out and see what
acceptance level she is at and if she wants to listen, please give her more
truth than she ever has had in her long painful dark mysterious marriage.
Be her light and her friend. The woman married to these men have
been slowly trained and brain washed. The children need these women to
heal, so they have a great mama whileb daddy is healing and still hiding until
he is ready. These kids need honesty and light in their parents' lives.
Many times it is the wife who is ready way before the gay husband ever
is, if ever. There is a reason they married even if gay, and put us
through years and even decades of hell, while we unknowingly torture them
sexually (trying to bring the marriage closer via sexual intimacy)....then most
of these men don't even come out when we leave them and support them coming
out. They marry more women, make more babies they eventually abandon and
ignore (except as occasional trophies), cause more pain and
destruction...because they can not be coaxed into coming out. These men
are not the one exception to us, and they are not the one exception to you.
They are master manipulators and charmers. They can charm a man and
also get the woman all the straight men want. It is unbelievable how
unattractive and poor his self care was all those years. He is now with a
drop dead gorgeous professional and classy woman. I have been astounded
to see him flirt with 20 year old waitresses in front of me. He has a
beer gut and I just thought he was disgusting and pathetic in the end.
His eyes were so so so cold and empty. HOW do they attract anyone, let
alone BOTH genders?
If more women knew, they
would leave these men sooner, this would happen less and the more these men
have consequences the better. The more they feel they can get away with
the double life, they will while wreaking havoc everywhere they go. The
more women knew, the more their girlfriends would know and would be turning
these guys down. So many straight wives will never know for sure, but could be
enlightened and take action if they were told. I think it would be best
over a drink, and when she is ready to listen (you will know). She
probably needs a guy friend more than you could ever ever know.
Thank you,
Anonymous straight wife
Hi Bonnie,
It just infuriates me
when I hear another men that decided to come out after spending most of their
life pretending they are straight. Now as a Christian I should have more
sympathy for the pain that they must have gone thru not being able to be who
they were. I’m referring to the country music star that came out today at 52.
After he was married twice to 2 different women, suddenly he is a hero because
he finally comes out?? I just don’t get it. I am still struggling after 4 ½
years since I found out my ex is Gay. 20 years of marriage and one 17 year old
son who by the way still will not see his father after 3 years. He only on
occasion will answer his father thru text messages. Talk about the pain and
trauma that my ex’s lies caused us. If my son came to me and said he was Gay I
would love and support him but I cant support my ex. I just never will.
Nancy
Dear Other Man:
Bonnie says you have come to her asking for
advice. You're in love with a married man, and it sounds like his wife is
making things difficult. I feel for you. I really do. Because I was fooled by a
man a lot like your boyfriend, for a long time.
I was married for more than 20 years. And don't
get me wrong, I had my doubts, even early on. Sexually, things just did not
seem right. He didn't seem like he actually wanted me. But he said he loved me.
He said he was faithful. He said I was crazy and oversexed for even asking him
why we hardly ever had sex.
He made me feel really guilty for even bringing
it up. And he insisted that everything was "normal," that married
couples hardly ever have sex, and that I was immoral for wanting more. And what
did I know? Maybe he was right, I thought. I was sexually inexperienced when I
met him, so I really did not know. I took his word for it.
I tried really hard to ignore my own needs and
desires, and that broke my heart. Every time I tried to dress sexy for my
husband, or flirt with him, or do anything I could think of to make him want
me, he brushed me off. It hurt. Over and over again, it hurt.
He gave me a sexually transmitted disease, when
I was pregnant with our second child. My OB/GYN said that the only way I could
get chlamydia was from sex, and my husband was the only person I had had sex
with, so, you'd think I could add that up and know he was fooling around but let
me tell you: He is the most persuasive person I know. And I loved him. When he
told me my doctor was wrong, and that I must have contracted it from dirty
medical equipment, well--I wanted to believe him.
He often told me that his ex-girlfriends were
crazy. Possessive. Stalkers. Impossible. Whorish. And yet, he'd keep talking to
some of them, even years after we were married. Always with the door closed.
He had secrets. Places I was not allowed to go. People I was not supposed to meet. Porn that came in the mail, addressed to him, that he swore was a postal service error.
He had secrets. Places I was not allowed to go. People I was not supposed to meet. Porn that came in the mail, addressed to him, that he swore was a postal service error.
He was also just rude about his homophobia. He
loved making fun of gay people. They were immoral and disgusting.
When I argued for gay marriage equality, he told
me, "Gay people have exactly the same rights as anyone. They can marry a
woman, just like I did."
It took me a long time
to realize he wasn't just being a sarcastic jackass--he was telling me the
truth. He had married a woman, knowing he was gay, because---he could. He loved
having that secret, that second life. He loved telling me that I was his wife,
while acting like I was nobody all that important. And I suspect he loves
telling other people that I am difficult, or crazy, or insisted he stay with
me.
But, at the same time, during sex he'd say it would be good if I had a penis, so I would know what men like. He'd say I should try sex with a woman, because he was sure I would love lesbians. I have lesbian friends. I like them. But I don't want to see them naked any more than you do.
He started pushing me to have sex with other
men--he wanted to see their penises. He loves talking about penises. But he
tells me he is straight. He swears to this day that he was always utterly
faithful. And he gets angry with me for having realized, at long last, that he
is gay. He's angry that I left, because he has to take care of himself, now.
And because he has to go find some other woman to be a beard for him.
When I realized he was gay, everything suddenly
made sense. So, naturally, I wanted a divorce. I wanted to be free to either be
alone, away from someone who had lied to me for more than two decades, or
maybe, if it wasn't too late, to meet a man who could actually love and desire
me. I wanted a do-over. I am fortunate that I made one for myself.
I wish one of the men my husband was with had
come to me and told me he was gay. I would have left him many years earlier.
When I finally did leave, one of the last things I said to him was, "You
are free. Go. Be who you are. No one will judge you. No one cares. Just go be
your honest self."
And he responded, "I AM NOT GAY. I HAVE NO
IDEA WHAT GAVE YOU THAT IMPRESSION."
The man you're dating might be just like my
ex-husband--using his wife, and using you. Don't waste another moment of YOUR
precious life on a man who refuses to honestly and openly and fully commit to
you. A man who won't hold your hand in public or kiss you in front of his
mother is not a good man.
And if you can find it in your heart to tell
your boyfriend's wife what is really going on, well--she may not seem like she
believes you at first, but she will be so grateful for the truth when she can
wipe away the tears and realize what a gift it is to her.
Knowing the truth is the only thing that will
enable her to have the full, loving, sexually fulfilling relationship with a
man that you also want with a man.
I wish you the best of luck and great, lasting
love with a wonderful, sexy man who can see you as his beloved partner. And I
wish the same thing for your boyfriend's wife, too.
I just suspect neither of you can have that with
the man you're both trying to love.
Hugs,
Christine B
Christine B
Dear Bonnie,
My situation is a little different. My ex is still undercover, and is about to move in with his latest( naïve) girlfriend of a few years. I'm not sure what I would say to the men who you speak with, but I do know what I would say to any guy dating my ex......and it's this....
Make no mistake. You are dealing with a lifelong COWARD. He is weak and he is selfish. He will throw you crumbs, just enough to keep you hanging on, so all will be on his terms. He wants to have his cake and eat it too. He will give up NOTHING for either you or his current beard because he's still hiding who he is from his children and relatives. I have known and observed this man for 35 years.
Remember this: 'The one who loves the LEAST controls the relationship". Can I say that again? "The one who loves the LEAST controls the relationship". He always takes care of #1, HIMSELF, and will always be in control, by remaining emotionally distant. He excuses himself by saying "I am a very PRIVATE person".
He left me when he felt very close to being caught. He's taken on a long-term girlfriend because he still wants to provide the illusion to his kids that he is straight. I was ' chosen " for my open and trusting nature. His unknowing girlfriend is very similar to me in this regard. I think this same feature in you is attractive to him. He has learned well through experience how to construct his life to best serve his selfish needs. You, as a person...me...his new beard...never factor into it.
As a PRIVATE person, he says very little. So you think what he does say must be important, truthful, legit!!! Haha! !Who would guess that those important few things that he speaks would be LIES!!
I have 3 sisters. As teenagers we had a pact. If our date made a pass at any one of our sisters, we would tell the other, and the guy would get the boot. I believed my sisters..and they.. me..They had my back. I'd expect no less from a friend. I'd be so grateful from an acquaintance to tell me what I need to know. It saves years of wasted time and heartache.
To the Other Man...to hear the truth from you would be so important in freeing my mind and my heart from this man. As useful as a full, open admission from him (But that will never come)- your telling me the truth would be what I've been waiting to hear from him for years and years. In that instant I would have the answer to 'EVERYTHING". The questions and doubts would cease. Every day not knowing 100% burns...I do not want to die not knowing for sure.
My thank you to you would be a chance to compare notes. I could give you my years of insight to his behavior, so you could watch out for yourself. You could make your own judgements from a strong, knowing position. You could choose to protect your own heart, when dealing with this very weak person. I AM NOT THE ENEMY!!
That's it, Bonnie!!
My situation is a little different. My ex is still undercover, and is about to move in with his latest( naïve) girlfriend of a few years. I'm not sure what I would say to the men who you speak with, but I do know what I would say to any guy dating my ex......and it's this....
Make no mistake. You are dealing with a lifelong COWARD. He is weak and he is selfish. He will throw you crumbs, just enough to keep you hanging on, so all will be on his terms. He wants to have his cake and eat it too. He will give up NOTHING for either you or his current beard because he's still hiding who he is from his children and relatives. I have known and observed this man for 35 years.
Remember this: 'The one who loves the LEAST controls the relationship". Can I say that again? "The one who loves the LEAST controls the relationship". He always takes care of #1, HIMSELF, and will always be in control, by remaining emotionally distant. He excuses himself by saying "I am a very PRIVATE person".
He left me when he felt very close to being caught. He's taken on a long-term girlfriend because he still wants to provide the illusion to his kids that he is straight. I was ' chosen " for my open and trusting nature. His unknowing girlfriend is very similar to me in this regard. I think this same feature in you is attractive to him. He has learned well through experience how to construct his life to best serve his selfish needs. You, as a person...me...his new beard...never factor into it.
As a PRIVATE person, he says very little. So you think what he does say must be important, truthful, legit!!! Haha! !Who would guess that those important few things that he speaks would be LIES!!
I have 3 sisters. As teenagers we had a pact. If our date made a pass at any one of our sisters, we would tell the other, and the guy would get the boot. I believed my sisters..and they.. me..They had my back. I'd expect no less from a friend. I'd be so grateful from an acquaintance to tell me what I need to know. It saves years of wasted time and heartache.
To the Other Man...to hear the truth from you would be so important in freeing my mind and my heart from this man. As useful as a full, open admission from him (But that will never come)- your telling me the truth would be what I've been waiting to hear from him for years and years. In that instant I would have the answer to 'EVERYTHING". The questions and doubts would cease. Every day not knowing 100% burns...I do not want to die not knowing for sure.
My thank you to you would be a chance to compare notes. I could give you my years of insight to his behavior, so you could watch out for yourself. You could make your own judgements from a strong, knowing position. You could choose to protect your own heart, when dealing with this very weak person. I AM NOT THE ENEMY!!
That's it, Bonnie!!
Sincerely, Judy St. Catharines, Ontario
Ladies, know that my heart
is with you on Christmas. Feel free to write to me at any time at
Bonkaye@aol.com if you need extra support during this time.
Love, Bonnie.
