Monday, December 15, 2014


 DECEMBER 2014     Volume 15, Issue 159

Bonnie’s Mantras:
Help support Bonnie’s mission to help women and men in pain. Purchase her books from her website at Please "Like" my Facebook page at Bonnie Kaye, Author. Thanks!

Dear Friends,
I am sorry for the delay of this newsletter. I have moved the time back to mid-month to coincide better with the holidays. This is a long newsletter to keep you busy reading during the holidays in hopes of giving you extra support.
Remember you can always find additional support by listening to my Straight Wives computer radio shows at and typing Straight Wives Talk Show into the search bar. I have had such inspirational guests throughout the years who will inspire you and help on your road to recovery.
Another great resource is the free support chat for destructive relationships with therapist Mary Ann Glynn who has been a guest on the show several times this year and will return to the show on January 18th. On that show, we will talk about the issues of addictions--including sex addictions and co-dependency in relationships. Mary Ann welcomes you to join her support chat which is every other Sunday evening. Here are the directions:
Go to Mary Ann's website at and scrolling down to the Services section on the home page. Then click on the highlighted "live chat support group" and it will take you there as a Guest# at the time of the chat.  You will see the date of the upcoming chat (December 21) or upcoming ones when you log on.
This chat is for all kinds of destructive relationships, but I think you'll find some straight sisters there as well!
I know this holiday season is so difficult to most of our women. Our sister Judy from Canada sent this excellent tip that might help:
Bonnie, in our local newspaper, an advice columnist said that survivors should write a letter to the person that has harmed them,(and not necessarily send it).  A reader said there is another piece to this assignment that others have found very therapeutic.  You write, to yourself, the letter you would like to receive from the other person that has harmed you.  This is helpful and excellent, as our coward ex's may never apologize, because their denial has become a way of life to them. we need to hear from our gay spouses, to help us heal?  Judy

Thanks, Judy. I think this is an excellent idea. Write the letter you deserve to hear. It will likely be the only one you ever get!

Deborah Sutton, another straight wife sister, is an extraordinary writer and supporter of those in pain. She has articulated what most of us think and feel in her blogs. Please check them out at the link below and join her mailing list--I did. And I look forward to every time she blogs. Here is the link so you can read her words from now and from the past. You can copy this link and put it into your browser:
Juliet Jeske is a wonderful writer who blogs about her life and is also a professional clown. She shared this with us recently. I think you'll really appreciate it! I look forward to her return to our Straight Wives Talk Show during the winter.
Kim Brooks is an excellent therapist in the Washington/VA area. She has been a guest on my radio show in the past, and she works quite successfully with straight wives having been one herself. Kim asked me to share this notice about her upcoming workshop:
Ready to push through the muck? Know someone who could use a leg up?
The January 9th-11th personal empowerment weekend is fast approaching! I am partnering with Your Infinite Life Training and Coaching Co. ( out of St. Louis to present their Remembrance Course especially for the straight spouse community. I took a version of the course in 1990 after my divorce, and it was transformational.
It is a positive and thoughtful opportunity to explore obstacles that prevent you from being the person you were meant to be. Although tuition is usually $395, I am offering it to our community for $95. I have started a GoFundMe campaign to underwrite the $5000 operating costs ( in the hope that it will make the course affordable for anyone who would like to attend.
If this weekend is successful, we will offer it in San Francisco in April and Chicago in May. My goal is for every straight spouse in America to have the opportunity to push through whatever is holding you back in life -- whether it's grief, anger, money, whatever -- and for us to then help our fellow str8s get back into life.
Feel free to email me at with questions, or go straight to to sign up. Look for the January 9th "Remembrance Course." (The website says $395; it is $95. Didn't want to upset enrollees in the other courses where it's not being subsidized!)
Hope to see you in DC. Or San Francisco. Or Chicago!
Yep, I admit I am a big fan of Jeanine Finelli. She was on my Straight Wife Talk Show on December 14th with some wonderful tips from her new book "Love Yourself to Health...with Gusto," available on or Here is a link to the show:
You can cut and paste it into your browser. Jeanine shared an excerpt from her book about holidays that she asked me to share with you in hopes of giving you some comfort:

Once you realize your family is not forever and you are going to leave a relationship, or have just left it, the fallout can wreak havoc on your holidays if you let it. This new space will be a prison if you allow it to be. What I realized, and you will too, is that nothing can take away holiday joy because if you are celebrating these holidays with any resemblance of the true spirit, then it lives inside of you and is not up for grabs.
Holidays for me are a time of celebrating faith, family, friends, and much anticipated time off from work or school. I feel such a high when I buy gifts for those I love. I love the music, the traditions, the food, and the memories I make. That’s the part that can make me feel so elated. But there’s always the potential to become deeply depressed—the worst for me is holiday time without my kids. I mourn the departure from my old house and the memories within—laughing, children, cooking turkeys, decorating Christmas trees, setting tables elegantly with candles and crystal, snuggling on the couch with my kids, and watching twinkling tree lights. This is where reframing how I think about the holidays saves me from the slump.

Now, I will get a much smaller tree, I will replace decorations that I lost during my divorce, I will put on my Christmas music and dance, I will watch the flurries from my new balcony, I will cook my favorite cookies and stews, and I will celebrate the reason for the season. I will see my son when he comes home from college, I will visit with friends, I will spend as much time with my daughter as possible, and I will be grateful that I have what I have. I will get down on my knees and thank Jesus for giving me the strength to move through this ordeal, and for the new gifts He has so gracefully bestowed upon me, all while never giving up on me that I will continue hear His messages that are like whispers to my heart.

My dear Bella, I wish I could give you a hug at this moment. I want you to know that I have experienced that misery that you feel in your heart. That terrifyingly painful ache is what immobilizes you and keeps you standing in that very spot because the pain of leaving is just too much to bear. This is why you must recognize it, and place your hand over your heart and tell yourself that you love you. You must realize that you no longer have to be doomed to life where you are the supporting actress in someone else’s movie. You have everything you need anyway because chances are that while you are decorating your home or even at church on Christmas Eve, your significant other is mostly likely on a date, planning a date, or just left a date. Let me hear a big Hell no! if that junk can be thrown out with last year’s Christmas tree! You no longer have to live to make someone else look good. You don’t have to bear the burden to protect anyone anymore.

Acknowledge that you love yourself so much, and but for a few shifts in your holidays as you have come to know them, you are allowing more love to flow into your life, and into your children’s lives. Open your heart to feeling and knowing the truth, and know that around the corner lies another tree waiting to be lit, another kitchen stove waiting to become the heart of your home, and another couch for you to snuggle and watch Frosty the Snowman with your kids.

You gave him too much of your past. Don’t give him your future. Give your children new memories of simple joy and a mother who knows how to protect what is undeniably the God-given right of human dignity. What is certain in an uncertain world is that staying where you are will continue to kill your spirit, and could eventually kill you.bon 
Be yourself, everyone else is taken- 

Jeanine Finelli, CHC  Author, Speaker   LY2H Facebook Page

Treat yourself to the best holiday present--Jeanine's book!!! I love it and refer to it constantly!!
Several stories were shared by women who are part of this support network this month. I think both are important because we have to understand how people think in order to help how we have to readjust our thinking. I've said this before, and I'll say it again--you cannot expect your gay husband to react to things the way a straight man would. Remember: GAY MEN DON'T THINK STRAIGHT!! They are gay men who think like gay men. Stop trying to come up with rational arguments when what is rational to us is not rational to them.
Here was a column by one gay husband in the blog Explore Experiences.
One of the best or worst parts about the Internet is that it makes you realize you are not alone.  Since I was a kid, I have felt I might be gay, yet it was something I could not accept nor tell anyone.  In high school and college, I would go to those dirty book stores to get off with another guy, but in my social circle, I was all man and hot for women.
My guess is that while I tried to hide it as I grew up, by parents knew.  I will never forget the comment my dad made after meeting my girlfriend (who would become my wife).  She and I had stopped by one of his friends house where they had been drinking, and he made the comment that she was good looking and didn't think I had it in me.  The way he said it told me he had his doubts that I was straight.
Today, my wife and I have been married for almost 25 years.  Overall we have a good relationship and most would consider us extremely successful.  What they don't know is that we have a sexless marriage which causes the most frustration for both of us.
My wife and I have discussed this issue and she has approached the "are you gay" question multiple times but usually it is when we have been drinking and I never give her a straight answer.  I am sure she knows but has chosen to ignore.  
At this point in our life, I think we both are of the opinion that what we have with each other is not perfect, but there is so many other positive aspects between us, that it is worth staying together.  That and the fear of the unknown probably keep us together.  I know she has wondered if she would be able to find another guy at her age.  I worry that the grass may not be greener on the other side if I came out.
So life goes on.  Frustration builds up from time to time until she explodes, then within a day or two she is fine and we continue.
If you would like to read the comments made after this article, here is the link:

MAILBAG: Each month I receive numerous letters from women after reading the monthly newsletter. For those that are particularly moving to me, I ask permission from them to share with you. Here you go!!!
Dear Bonnie,

Where do I start?  I am trying to remember back to the girl I once was.  I had just started out in my professional career in a specialty office where the team I worked with sensed a special camaraderie of caring, compassion/ and a shared humor with the patients and each other.  I loved my job, and my boss had become like a second father.  I lived in one of my favorite cities of all time, Traverse City.  It is a town filled with art, culture, friendly faces, festivals, community events, the college and some of the best dining in America.  The  beauty when driving up the peninsula that cut through the two bays was spectacularly dotted with cherry orchards and fun wineries open for taste tours, and of course more restaurants.  I lived in the same area as my family and had an amazing apartment and a fabulous roommate that I clicked well with.  

I met my husband when I was still in college before I moved.  He was the guy out of many that stood out.  I was used to guys throwing themselves at me and had learned to be wise and careful to their many aggressive sexual advances.  It felt like that was all guys wanted when they saw my curvy figure and blonde hair.  I was often told I had the "perfect" boobs by admirers.  He was a gentleman who seemed to want to talk. I felt like he saw me as a whole person, not just a set of tatas.  I thought this even though he really just talked about himself and his military career.  I was flattered he saw me as a person who could carry on conversations and instantly felt a sophistication I had desired.  We got along great because I was a people person and have always enjoyed getting to learn new things about people. I have been told my entire life by people that they felt open to share secrets with me that they never shared before.  He talked and I put him at ease.  I loved learning all about the military and he seemed to enjoy his teacher role.  I often told him he'd be a wonderful teacher. 

It was easy to say yes when he proposed, as I had thought a lot about it by then and hoped he would.  We seemed to both want a simple life, shared a love for nature and dreamed of a log cabin and kids.  I found it easy to say yes despite the red flags.  Really the only red flag at that point was sexual, and he seemed to have a little temper, but it didn't stay long, so I blew it off.  Also it was weird how he gloated over getting away with stuff when a cop let him off for speeding.  He said it was bc he is in the military.  It seemed slightly entitled.  So I asked my mom about the sex and she told me it always gets better after marriage.  I was raised to care about the person, and the sex was an act of love to cherish that person, so I believed her. I didn't want to base my decision on sex when I liked so much about him.. .how he loved his mom, our shared goals, the way we could talk, and what I thought was love.  Sex was something that could be acheived, and besides it was something I had never had a problem with.  I had some very passionate sexual relationships before, so I knew I could help him in this way.  The passionate relationships had been bery hurtful, especially one.  So I certainly didn't want to base my future on sex.  Besides, sex is why a guy wants to get married, right?  I couldn't wait to finally have guilt free married sex whenever and however we wanted.  

Yea the marriage night was a disappointment, as two months afterward when he finally relented, in a tent after my months of begging and asking, he told me "hurry up" as he masturbated...i cried during that episode, and it wouldn't be the last time. Gone were my days of believing marriage would have tender lovemaking.  He kept talking about his ex girlfriend or craning his neck towards other women when we were out.  I didn't know then that this was his game.  For the first time in my life I became self conscious.  I believed I wasn't attractive to him, and since I had been the girl who could literally win any other guy over, I remained stubborn, puzzled and challenged.  I tried everything to try to figure out what his thing was that turned him on.  I was met with rejection after painful rejection. I became jealous of the couples who had apparent sexual connection.  I felt so undesired and unloved.  I show my love with sex, much like a guy.  When it came to sex I guess I have always been the girl with a little extra testosterone.  Well now I know this probably served to piss my husband off at me because he had probably heard reassurances from countless guys about how sex always goes away after marriage.  Well he married the gay guy's nightmare.  And I just couldn't understand why he didn't see this libido as a gift, as I suspected would have been to any other guy.  

I took him to counseling after counseling to specifically complain about sex and help him work through it. They recommended he get his testosterone checked and he would always say he knew that was not the problem.  He said his sex drive was just fine, despite the fact he never had morning wood, could not last long or go more than once, plus it was infrequent.  He was the only guy I knew with a limp all the time.  He didn't like me to touch him there or flirt.  He told me we couldn't hold hands because it was frowned upon for military officers to show PDA with their wives.  He told me in counseling and outside that it was my fault because we were not friends.  I told him we would be friends if I got sex, and that I felt unloved and unvalued and grumpy without it.  He led me to believe I had intimidated his manhood and my personality was off-putting.  That was very hurtful.  The abuse started as a slow anger from him.  It felt like couple fights in the beginning.  I believed he was a wounded man who needed love and understanding and patience.  I believed I had gone into the marriage with expectations and needed to focus on all the good.  I had held onto every word in our vows and fully believed in general that people believed and meant these vows, except in extreme circumstances.  And my husband would never cheat, I trusted him.  

Soon after we had our first baby, I was shocked at the change I saw in him.  I wondered who took my husband and who this crazy talking man was standing in his place.  It was all on a steep downhill with no brakes.  But now I had a baby I loved with a man I wanted to share that with.  I would learn that family bond was nothing he intended to share.  I felt a deep, deep pain at the loss of connection I sensed other couples shared in their creation.  It was a pain and heartbreak like no other I had ever had until that point, and it never stopped.  The ache grew along with all of the others.  So it was when I was expressing breast milk to get our precious baby girl through surgery that I found out he gave me a disease.  He knew it as his face got white as a ghost.  He ended up telling me it was a man.  We separated two months.  He then told me he had made that up bc he was so ashamed of the truth.  He then told me an entire rape story.  Then months later he told me he had thought him cheating with a woman would have made me go crazy and report him to the military.  So it was two women after all.  That STD was Chlamydia and terrifying because I was scared I would lose my fertility. But more important was the fact that it could have been HIV and carried through my breast milk to our daughter.

After this we went through marriage retreats and years of counseling where he became great at distracting from the real issue.  I had been raised against prejudice, had a gay cousin that my parents loved and mentored and just couldn't believe the churches would judge gays.  Then for the first time in my life (right after he told me story number one) I saw this as an issue that could impact innocent people.  I saw gay as an issue that may have impacted me.  I did not want this to be true, and now not only did I feel threatened by the slutty looking women he checked out, but now I was noticing how many guys might be gay.  I saw it as a threat on my family and I still didn't know what to do because I didn't know if he had Madonna/whore syndrome, was addicted to porn, was gay, a sex addict as he claimed (which we attended meetings for) or was an alcoholic. At some point around this time I had another baby, after contemplating it with our Christian marriage counselor.  It would be the last baby I ever desired with him because he got more abusive than ever that pregnancy and after she was born.  It felt like when I needed him most was when he would lash out most and make it harder for me.  I would end up taking the girls to the ER and he would start a horrible fight.  I felt like I did it alone, while battling him.  

I often wrote him letters telling him I didn't want to hold him in a relationship he didn't want to be in.  He would ignore them, and say when prompted, "I don't want to divorce, I love you".  Yet he used divorce as a threat and many other things until I saw through the threats for what they were.  But not after lots of agony.  I often reached out to gay men during this time.  I had a friend in high school who is now open.  I left him a facebook message to please call me because I couldn't talk on a message. I left my number.  His reply was, "You're scaring me".  I had wanted to see if one of his buddies from Chicago near us could "test" my husband for me.  I would have paid him.  But he never called.  He didn't seem to care.  

I just wanted to know what the problem was.  Sometimes I thought he was gay, then I would find regular porn.  I would wonder if he had planted it purposely.  I wanted to know if I was doing everything I could.  I had become so volatile with him that I blamed myself.  I tried to work on me. When he became increasingly abusive, which I now realize was when the sex increased (the last year we had sex together, it was improved, but still mimicked was still missing something and leaving something in me to be desired) the verbal abuse, anger and even physical abuse increased.  The physical abuse felt degrading and I dealt with an intense shame that I later realized was his.  I am still recovering.  He told me to "shut my suck", "shut my hole" and called me retard.  The verbal was daily for a while and in front of my daughters I want to raise with dignity and self respect.  At this point all the abuse was unprovoked.  For the last four years I disengaged and didn't' react no matter how awful he was to the girls and I.  I knew he wanted me to be as crazy as him.  I went to counseling for reinforcement.

Now my divorce is almost final and he is with another woman. My heart aches for her and if she seeks me out I will first be sure she is willing to listen. I have found suspicious photos since he left.  One night after we separated during the divorce, he cried and told me he is gay but doesn't want to lose all his military buddies, his identity, and doesn't identify with the gay community.  I cried with him and told him I will let him figure it out and that when he does become his authentic self what a gift it would be to the girls.  I only way later realized that he never once cried for me or what he has done to the girls and I.  Yet I had cried yet again with him for him.  

I believe he is a narcissist and crazy because he talks to manipulate or because he is losing his brain cells and mind from the very heavy nightly drinking he was doing.  I believe he has told the other woman I am pyscho and flip flopped our conversations so I look crazy while he looks sane.  So I won't help her by going to her.  He probably has her believing he sees the kids more while he does his thing with guys.  She thinks he is super dad and a victim of me.  

In my situation I was seeking the truth.  At some point I had accepted it and wanted the healing to begin.  I still want healing.  I can't tell you how many times I silently crumbled under the shower's streams of water where the kids couldn't hear me and wails and moaning came from somewhere so deep and painful inside.  My mother's heart was ripping for my girls and I wished I knew what to do.  I felt so much guilt at leaving him a mess. You just don't leave a man down, you don't.  Not the father of my kids.  Would the truth set me free?  Free of guilt?  I believe it could have saved me years of heartache and taking responsibility that wasn't mine.

I desperately wanted to know there were and are caring gay men.  I still need this.  I am hurting so bad inside.  I have thought about reaching out to my gay cousin but I am afraid of the answers. The only gay man I ever "knew" (yet did not those 14.5 years), raped my soul repeatedly then mocked me with hateful eyes.  In order to do what he did, he had to believe I deserved it.  So he abused me and used my reactions as proof of my character.  He blamed me instead of himself.  He hated me instead of himself.  I wished a gay man who was caring and patient could have reached out to me.  I find it hard to believe there are nice gay men who aren't shallow, self centered (and serving), and vain. I have a hard time with gay rights activists.  If you gay men who slept with our husbands reached out and cared, you could show women that real men do exist and that caring men do exist.  Often times what breaks us can also heal us.  But it is so very scary for us.  I encourage you to test the woman out and see what acceptance level she is at and if she wants to listen, please give her more truth than she ever has had in her long painful dark mysterious marriage.  Be her light and her friend.  The woman married to these men have been slowly trained and brain washed.  The children need these women to heal, so they have a great mama whileb daddy is healing and still hiding until he is ready.  These kids need honesty and light in their parents' lives.  Many times it is the wife who is ready way before the gay husband ever is, if ever.  There is a reason they married even if gay, and put us through years and even decades of hell, while we unknowingly torture them sexually (trying to bring the marriage closer via sexual intimacy)....then most of these men don't even come out when we leave them and support them coming out.  They marry more women, make more babies they eventually abandon and ignore (except as occasional trophies), cause more pain and destruction...because they can not be coaxed into coming out.  These men are not the one exception to us, and they are not the one exception to you.  They are master manipulators and charmers.  They can charm a man and also get the woman all the straight men want.  It is unbelievable how unattractive and poor his self care was all those years.  He is now with a drop dead gorgeous professional and classy woman.  I have been astounded to see him flirt with 20 year old waitresses in front of me.  He has a beer gut and I just thought he was disgusting and pathetic in the end.  His eyes were so so so cold and empty. HOW do they attract anyone, let alone BOTH genders?

If more women knew, they would leave these men sooner, this would happen less and the more these men have consequences the better.  The more they feel they can get away with the double life, they will while wreaking havoc everywhere they go.  The more women knew, the more their girlfriends would know and would be turning these guys down. So many straight wives will never know for sure, but could be enlightened and take action if they were told.  I think it would be best over a drink, and when she is ready to listen (you will know).  She probably needs a guy friend more than you could ever ever know.

Thank you, 
Anonymous straight wife

Hi Bonnie,
It just infuriates me when I hear another men that decided to come out after spending most of their life pretending they are straight. Now as a Christian I should have more sympathy for the pain that they must have gone thru not being able to be who they were. I’m referring to the country music star that came out today at 52. After he was married twice to 2 different women, suddenly he is a hero because he finally comes out?? I just don’t get it. I am still struggling after 4 ½ years since I found out my ex is Gay. 20 years of marriage and one 17 year old son who by the way still will not see his father after 3 years. He only on occasion will answer his father thru text messages. Talk about the pain and trauma that my ex’s lies caused us. If my son came to me and said he was Gay I would love and support him but I cant support my ex. I just never will.
Dear Other Man:
Bonnie says you have come to her asking for advice. You're in love with a married man, and it sounds like his wife is making things difficult. I feel for you. I really do. Because I was fooled by a man a lot like your boyfriend, for a long time.
I was married for more than 20 years. And don't get me wrong, I had my doubts, even early on. Sexually, things just did not seem right. He didn't seem like he actually wanted me. But he said he loved me. He said he was faithful. He said I was crazy and oversexed for even asking him why we hardly ever had sex.
He made me feel really guilty for even bringing it up. And he insisted that everything was "normal," that married couples hardly ever have sex, and that I was immoral for wanting more. And what did I know? Maybe he was right, I thought. I was sexually inexperienced when I met him, so I really did not know. I took his word for it.
I tried really hard to ignore my own needs and desires, and that broke my heart. Every time I tried to dress sexy for my husband, or flirt with him, or do anything I could think of to make him want me, he brushed me off. It hurt. Over and over again, it hurt.
He gave me a sexually transmitted disease, when I was pregnant with our second child. My OB/GYN said that the only way I could get chlamydia was from sex, and my husband was the only person I had had sex with, so, you'd think I could add that up and know he was fooling around but let me tell you: He is the most persuasive person I know. And I loved him. When he told me my doctor was wrong, and that I must have contracted it from dirty medical equipment, well--I wanted to believe him.
He often told me that his ex-girlfriends were crazy. Possessive. Stalkers. Impossible. Whorish. And yet, he'd keep talking to some of them, even years after we were married. Always with the door closed.

He had secrets. Places I was not allowed to go. People I was not supposed to meet. Porn that came in the mail, addressed to him, that he swore was a postal service error.
He was also just rude about his homophobia. He loved making fun of gay people. They were immoral and disgusting.
When I argued for gay marriage equality, he told me, "Gay people have exactly the same rights as anyone. They can marry a woman, just like I did."
It took me a long time to realize he wasn't just being a sarcastic jackass--he was telling me the truth. He had married a woman, knowing he was gay, because---he could. He loved having that secret, that second life. He loved telling me that I was his wife, while acting like I was nobody all that important. And I suspect he loves telling other people that I am difficult, or crazy, or insisted he stay with me.

But, at the same time, during sex he'd say it would be good if I had a penis, so I would know what men like. He'd say I should try sex with a woman, because he was sure I would love lesbians. I have lesbian friends. I like them. But I don't want to see them naked any more than you do.
He started pushing me to have sex with other men--he wanted to see their penises. He loves talking about penises. But he tells me he is straight. He swears to this day that he was always utterly faithful. And he gets angry with me for having realized, at long last, that he is gay. He's angry that I left, because he has to take care of himself, now. And because he has to go find some other woman to be a beard for him.
When I realized he was gay, everything suddenly made sense. So, naturally, I wanted a divorce. I wanted to be free to either be alone, away from someone who had lied to me for more than two decades, or maybe, if it wasn't too late, to meet a man who could actually love and desire me. I wanted a do-over. I am fortunate that I made one for myself.
I wish one of the men my husband was with had come to me and told me he was gay. I would have left him many years earlier. When I finally did leave, one of the last things I said to him was, "You are free. Go. Be who you are. No one will judge you. No one cares. Just go be your honest self."
The man you're dating might be just like my ex-husband--using his wife, and using you. Don't waste another moment of YOUR precious life on a man who refuses to honestly and openly and fully commit to you. A man who won't hold your hand in public or kiss you in front of his mother is not a good man.
And if you can find it in your heart to tell your boyfriend's wife what is really going on, well--she may not seem like she believes you at first, but she will be so grateful for the truth when she can wipe away the tears and realize what a gift it is to her.
Knowing the truth is the only thing that will enable her to have the full, loving, sexually fulfilling relationship with a man that you also want with a man.
I wish you the best of luck and great, lasting love with a wonderful, sexy man who can see you as his beloved partner. And I wish the same thing for your boyfriend's wife, too.
I just suspect neither of you can have that with the man you're both trying to love.

Christine B

Dear Bonnie,

My situation is a little different.  My ex is still undercover, and is about to move in with his latest( na├»ve) girlfriend of a few years.  I'm not sure what I would say to the men who you speak with, but I do know what I would say to any guy dating my ex......and it's this....

    Make no mistake.  You are dealing with a lifelong COWARD.  He is weak and he is selfish.  He will throw you crumbs, just enough to keep you hanging on, so all will be on his terms.  He wants to have his cake and eat it too.  He will give up NOTHING  for either you or his current beard because he's still hiding who he is from his children and relatives.  I have known and observed this man for 35 years. 

Remember this:  'The one who loves the LEAST controls the relationship".  Can I say that again?  "The one who loves the LEAST controls the relationship".  He always takes care of #1, HIMSELF, and will always be in control, by remaining emotionally distant.  He excuses himself by saying "I am a very PRIVATE person".

He left me when he felt very close to being caught.  He's taken on a long-term girlfriend because he still wants to provide the illusion to his kids that he is straight.  I was ' chosen " for my open and trusting nature.  His unknowing girlfriend is very similar to me in this regard.  I think this same feature in you is attractive to him.  He has learned well through experience how to construct his life to best serve his selfish needs.  You, as a new beard...never factor into it.

As a PRIVATE person, he says very little.  So you think what he does say must be important, truthful, legit!!!  Haha!  !Who would guess that those important few things that he speaks would be LIES!!

I have 3 sisters.  As teenagers we had a pact.  If our date made a pass at any one of our sisters, we would tell the other, and the guy would get the boot.  I believed my sisters..and they.. me..They had my back.  I'd expect no less from a friend. I'd be so grateful from an acquaintance to tell me what I need to know.  It saves years of wasted time and heartache.

To the Other hear the truth from you would be so important in freeing my mind and my heart from this man. As useful as a full, open  admission from him (But that will never come)- your telling me the truth would be what I've been waiting to hear from him for years and years.  In that instant I would have the answer to 'EVERYTHING". The questions and doubts would cease. Every day not knowing 100% burns...I do not want to die not knowing for sure.

My thank you to you would be a chance to compare notes.  I could give you my years of insight to his behavior, so you could watch out for yourself.  You could make your own judgements from a strong, knowing position.  You could choose to protect your own heart, when dealing with this very weak person. I  AM NOT THE ENEMY!!

That's it, Bonnie!!

Sincerely,  Judy St. Catharines, Ontario

Ladies, know that my heart is with you on Christmas. Feel free to write to me at any time at if you need extra support during this time.
Love, Bonnie.


Tuesday, November 11, 2014

Distorted Perceptions - 2003

This is an article from my newsletter from 2003 that still rings true.

Distortion Perceptions - May 2003

I’ve written about this before, and probably not too long ago. But I could never write about this enough, so I’ll talk about it again. It’s what I call “Distorted Perceptions.” It’s an important part of understanding the whole concept your marriage and why it failed.

I think I’ve gotten most of you on board with understanding that you had no influence on your husband’s homosexuality. No matter how easy it is for us to fall into the trap of believing that we were not “good enough” or “smart enough” or “pretty enough” or “sexy enough” for our husbands, I hope after reading my constant reassurances, you finally understand that your husband’s homosexuality was there long before you were.

The next concept of why your marriage failed is a little more difficult for you to understand. You are still looking at your marriage as if it takes “two to tango” as the saying goes. I often hear women say, “He made mistakes, and I made mistakes,” or “We both had faults,” Let’s acknowledge that no one is perfect. Yes, we all have faults. But it is not your “faults” that created the problems in the marriage. On the other hand, it is very possible that the problems in the marriage intensified your faults.

Example? Okay. Let’s start with me revealing to you some of the problems I had in my marriage. Because of all of the erratic behavior and inconsistencies in my marriage, I was overly suspicious of my husband’s actions. Whenever I couldn’t account for his missing time, I believed he was out cheating on me. I made an automatic search of all of his belongs when he wasn’t looking. This included all of the pockets in his clothes, his little black phone book, and his wallet. I looked in the car at the mileage gauge, looked under the seats for clues of unfamiliar items, and went through the glove compartment for any suspicious papers, matchbook covers, or receipts left behind and haphazardly thrown in there. As soon as I would find a possible incriminating piece of evidence, I would confront my husband. He would get angry and yell at me how I was neurotic and ridiculous. He always had an explanation of whatever evidence I found, and he did his best to convince me that I was the one with a “vivid” imagination that was always in the overactive mode.

From where he was sitting, I looked like the overly nagging wife. Snooping didn’t become me. But I became obsessed. Once the trust was gone, there was no way for me to regain it, especially when his patterns of suspicion continued. As much as I tried to ignore what kept hitting me in the face, I was unable to do so. As time progressed, my obsession deepened. Every time he left the house, my imagination took over and images of young men jolted out in my mind. Every guy my husband spoke to became suspect to me. My reactions to people were totally different because of this. No doubt, there were many innocent people who became victims of my unfounded hostility, but I was unable to distinguish fact from fiction because of the ones who were my realities and nightmares.

Now, my husband blamed me for overreacting to almost everything. And maybe in many cases I did. Bottom line: This was not who I was, but who I became because HE WAS GAY AND LIVING A LIE. And that lie infiltrated the darkest part of my soul turning me into someone whom I didn’t recognize or even like.

There were days when I woke up and didn’t want to live any more. This was NOT ME. The real me had a passion for life that had been temporarily snuffed out. I didn’t know it was temporary while I lived it because my life was now on another plane—somewhere between the Twilight Zone and death. I say death because on three different occasions I attempted suicide. It seemed like an excellent alternative during those moments that seemed so inescapable and hopeless. This was NOT ME either. Prior to my marriage, I was so high on life. I was active, sociable, surrounded by high self-esteem, and very independent. I turned into someone who was depressed, scared, insecure, co-dependant, and crying constantly from being hurt.

The decisions and the moves that I made during my marriage were based on the mutated perceptions inside my marriage. Before I suspected that homosexuality was the cause of my unhappiness, I came to believe that it was me who was causing the problems in my marriage. If I told my husband that our marriage had problems, he would reply, “We don’t have problems—YOU have the problem. I am happy in the marriage. YOU are the unhappy one.” Many of you have written to me that your husbands tell you the same thing. The problem is YOU—not him, not the “marriage.” And naturally, my husband, as well as yours, never looks beyond the fact that YOU have a problem, because it’s always all about them. I guess I was falling into a darker hole each day so it was easy for me to believe that I was the one with the problems. He wasn’t falling into a dark hole. He seemed content, and why not?  He had a wife and a life outside his wife.

He was living his lie. And it was a big lie. Not a little white lie. Lying about your sexuality is a really very big lie. VERY BIG. What is a little lie? A little lie is taking money and buying something and not telling your spouse. A little lie is getting a couple of drinks at the bar with some friends while you tell your wife you are working. A little lie is not revealing that you broke your diet, smoked a cigarette after you quit, or paying more for something than you’re supposed to but keeping quiet not to start a fight because you’ve unbalanced the family budget.

It’s not like I’m condoning lying, but I certainly do understand it. I’ve lied myself when the thought of revealing something is going to result in an unnecessary argument that can be avoided and has no real effect on the state of a relationship. To lie is human. To live a lie is different. It’s not something that is inconsequential. When you live a lie, there are always consequences for someone. In our cases, it ends up being our consequence.

The basis for a relationship should be one built on give and take. When a man stops having sex with his wife because it’s too much of a burden for him because he is gay, you are giving wrong information to your wife. I don’t hear too many men take responsibility for their lack of sexual activity other than made up stories about being too tired, too overworked, too depressed, too headachy, too sore from exercising, etc. When those excuses run out, then the tables turn. Then it’s—YOU. You are too heavy, YOU are too naggy, YOU are too unsympathetic,
YOU are too demanding, and of course…..YOU ARE A NYMPHOMANIAC or something just as insulting. Because YOU now think YOU are the problem in your marriage, YOU are the one who tries to change YOURSELF. So, now you are changing yourself to become the ideal wife of a man who doesn’t want to make love to you no matter how good you look, how nice you act, how talented you are, or of course—how devoted you are to your gay husband. Ouch! That hurts.  

Eventually, after your husband rejects you enough times, you stop expecting sex, and you also stop asking for it. He breathes a deep sigh of relief. Whew!! “She finally gets it. Stop asking because you’re not going to get it.” Once your wife stops asking you to have sex, she has resigned herself to living an unhappy life with you. How happy to do you think she’s going to be? And when she’s not happy, that’s her fault too, right? Wrong. It’s the husband’s fault.

Some gay husbands believe that money is the key to happiness—YOUR happiness. They will try to compensate for their sexual inadequacy by buying you gifts and trinkets, as if that will do it for you. It’s the same pattern as the physically abusive husband who beats his wife, begs for forgiveness, tells her that he loves her, and goes out to buy a present to prove it. HYPOCRITS. Like a bracelet is going to make you feel better about yourself. “I don’t think you’re good enough to make love to, but I think you’re good enough for a bracelet.”  Thanks pal—but no thanks.
I know they say that the failure of a marriage is the fault of both parties, and maybe that’s the case in functional marriages. But guess what? I don’t think it’s that way when you live with a gay man. You aren’t happy. He can’t be happy. He is saying that you are making him unhappy because of your own unhappiness. But if he would have been a straight husband, maybe you would be happy. Perhaps you could have met life’s challenges as a team instead of being on different teams. And not only are you both on different teams, but you’re both playing in different ballparks. If the pitcher for the New York Yankees throws the most perfect pitch in NY, the best player in Boston standing hundreds of miles away can’t hit it—NO MATTER WHAT. You are in two different cities on two different teams. Two different places in two different spaces.

The same goes for straight wives with gay husbands. If your husband is telling you that the lack of sex in your marriage is YOUR fault, and he is a gay man, no matter what you do to make yourself more physically attractive, and some of you have gone to the extremes of breast implants and liposuction, it’s not going to change anything. You are playing in the wrong ballpark. Or shall I say, you have the wrong plumbing.

If you think I’m saying to all of you that you are perfect and without fault, well, I’m not. No one is perfect; we are all human. We all make mistakes. We all have bad days. We all have human traits, and this is fine. And no husband—straight, gay or otherwise is perfect either. I don’t think any of us are seeking perfection. We are seeking husbands who are playing in the same ballpark. And although many couples who are STRAIGHT couples grow apart, they do it in a more honest way. They don’t always look to place the blame on your lap. They take some responsibility for the marriage unraveling. And you can make sense of those marriages that don’t work without feeling that you are responsible for their failure. In a marriage with a gay husband, you don’t even know what is real and not real. You are living in a labyrinth that has only twists and turns. There is no way to ever find a way to the end of the maze. The twists and turns go nowhere except in vicious circles. 

And so, when you sit back and recount the years that have passed and try to figure out what went wrong in your marriage, do yourself a favor--stop thinking about it. When you live with a gay man who is parading in disguise as a straight man, nothing can change the circumstances. Or shall I say, only you are capable of changing them—by leaving the marriage and moving on to a life that makes sense. What’s really so amazing is that life can make sense once your marriage is over. No more mazes to run through, no more Twilight Zones or Outer Limits. No more trying to solve the unsolvable, no more fighting against the unchanging tide. When you live like this, you zap your mental and physical energy because  spinning gold out of hay only happens in fairytales. 

Thursday, October 2, 2014


 OCTOBER 2014     Volume 15, Issue 157

Bonnie’s Mantras:

Help support Bonnie’s mission to help women and men in pain. Purchase her books from her website at

Please "Like" my new FB page at Bonnie Kaye, Author. Thanks!

Last weekend, 25 women gathered in Los Angeles from all over the country to participate in my semi-annual healing weekend. It is so validating for these women to meet others in their struggle to remind them that they are not alone. Although we come from all different locations, cultures, religions, and economic strata, the emotional impact is always the same. What we learn from each other cannot be written about in a few words. Support is so important to the recovery process. I was so happy to reunite with some of my most favorite women in the world and meet some new women who were merely names on an email before this. I learned from each and every one of them about the strength that we all have within and the battles that we all must conquer in time. There is no quick fix to Gay Husband Recovery, but support along the way makes the road that much easier. As I told our women, there will be a day when the term "Straight Wife" does not define you anymore. That is the goal!

I am now in my 30th year of giving support and counseling in the straight/gay arena. Although I have a lot of people on my side, I still have some heavy-duty detractors who continue to challenge me on issues like "Bisexuality" and "Gay Porn." Most of the time it is men who get angry when I tell them that they are gay when they insist they are not. Sometimes their wives are angry when they insist that their husbands are not like those "gay ones" that I write about. Okay. So go live happily ever after when your husband comes home after some male sexual encounter. More power to you--I couldn't do it.

People accuse me of being so "black and white" with no shades of gay....excuse me..gray. Yes, that is true. I don't quite get it. I am VERY pro-gay. Why can't men who are having sex with a penis feel the same way? Why do they need to hide under the pretense that they are NOT gay because they would never kiss a man? I don't think kissing a man on the lips is nearly as revealing as kissing him halfway down his body on his organ--but that's me. Jaded. 

One of our wonderful women at the healing weekend expressed it best to me. She is not going to call her husband "gay" because he'll dispute it by stating he has a wife and four children. Instead she will tell the children that their father has sexual encounters with men, and then they can call it what they want. I really like this approach. No name calling or labeling. Just the facts, Ma'am. I do think this can resolve things much better when it comes time to telling the children!

My dear friend Maggie sent me an article from an attorney, Bruce Provda, who gave some important tips for women when they are divorcing a narcissist. Since many of us are or have been married to a narcissist, I thought this information could really help.
Pay attention, ladies!

Six Important Tips When Divorcing a Narcissist

By Bruce Provda, Esq, July 08, 2014
The challenge of going through a divorce pro-se, a Latin term meaning “on one's own behalf,” is something many people face every day. With some preparation, and these six tips, you can make it through the nightmare and come out alive.

Preparation. Prepare yourself for the legal fight you have coming. Free divorce workshops and support groups are offered in many towns. Progressive court systems are now offering free clinics for people who will be representing themselves in one of life’s most difficult chapters. Visit the courthouse where your divorce will be heard. Sit for several hours and observe the judge and attorneys. Become comfortable in the environment. It can be intimidating to people who have never been through legal proceedings before.

Hunker Down. Go ahead now and accept the possibility that some of your family and friends will fall for the narcissist’s tendency to tell the story in a convincing manner. Don’t hold a grudge against those in your circle who buy into his or her manipulations. Remember, you also once believed the things you were told. Narcissists will not tolerate failure and this makes it improbable that your soon-to-be-ex will accept any responsibility for the ending of the marriage. You may be the target of a vicious smear campaign and painted as a villain. Be strong and take the high road and eventually the narcissist will be seen for who they truly are. It always happens.

Document. Document. Document. Keep a daily agenda-style journal for recording things that happen. For more important items — or items too large to document in your journal — send an email to yourself in which you spell out the event. Keeping all documents and paperwork in binders —coordinated with your journal — divided by year, month and day, will make retrievable of even the most arcane piece of information easier.

Organize. In connection with the advice above, make sure you get — and stay — organized. Find a system that works for you. Some people maintain strictly digital records. Others use a binder system and others use some combination. The best retrieval system will be one that’s simple and that you will use consistently.

Stop Talking. Or at least limit your communication with your soon-to-be-ex. Keep conversations short and unemotional. If zero contact is impossible, especially if you have children together, then try to limit your communication to emails or texting. Anything that will make sure you can easily keep a record will help. Establish personal boundaries and don’t waiver. Narcissists get their energy from being able to control you. Do not give in to their twisted hunger by giving them what they request.

Maintain Composure. When it’s finally time to face your spouse in the courtroom, make sure you are completely prepared. Thorough preparation will help you stay focused and composed when the problems get too sticky. When you face false accusations, be sure to answer calmly and be ready to provide credible information based on facts. Staying focused will keep you from getting caught up in the need to defend every small allegation and wasting energy. To be successful and maintain composure while the narcissist is testifying, take notes of things that you would like to address, but don’t get sidetracked. Stay focused and stay strong and centered.

Probably no one told you this process will be easy. If you can make a conscious decision to be a survivor instead of a victim, the knowledge you’ve gained can be life-changing as you go through the steps. Divorce is difficult under the best of circumstances. If you find yourself going up against a narcissist as your own representative, then fasten your safety belt and use the oxygen mask if you need to.


I received a letter the other day from Susan B. who is a part of this network. Susan was very generous in sharing her story in the Straight Wives Shattered Lives" series. I thought that her suggestion was an excellent one, so I am sharing it with you. I had the pleasure of meeting Susan face-to-face at the California Healing Weekend. It was a wonderful moment for me to meet a caring, sharing woman who was willing to tell her story.
I asked Susan if I could share her letter with you because what she has requested is something that I believe is such an important need for all of us. Here it goes!

Going through this terrible journey, where to be honest most of the time I would have preferred to go to sleep and simply not wake up, I am reminded that I am not alone.

Because of you, I have discovered an entire worldwide sisterhood who completely understand every single nuance of my pain and suffering. I call you all my SIB-lings. My “Sisters In Bonnie”.

My SIBlings understand why I cry all of the time, am depressed, have lost joy, feel hopeless.

My SIBlings understand the loss of self worth, feeling ugly, and unlovable.

My SIBlings get how difficult it is to have a clear vision of the future when the goal is just to get through a single day at times.

My SIBlings understand how I feel used, robbed of my life, and thrown into an Alice in Wonderland world of confusion and disbelief.

My SIBlings understand the deep anger, the time involved just to process what has happened, and that the “getting over it” will take a great deal of time, if it completely happens at all in our lifetime.

My SIBlings understand in a way that our families, friends and coworkers cannot, because they have not lived through this nightmare, which is the reason for this email.

I have a suggestion!!!!!!!! No, okay, I have a desperate NEED, a need that I KNOW each and every other SIB shares.

I have purchased your books and find that how you explain our situation is easy to read and understand, so I need/want/beg you to write one for our families and friends.

A booklet-something small, direct,  and to the point-which clearly explains what has happened to us and what we are going through.

A booklet that explains why a gay man would marry a straight woman, since many of them just do not believe this could happen.

A booklet that explains how a life of deception unravels us.

A booklet that describes to OTHERS the reasons why we are in the state we are in, and how they can help us through it.

It could cost $5, and we could buy 30 of them, if that is what we needed,  to hand out to family and friends.

The preface could basically say:
“You are getting this booklet because someone whom you are important to wants you to understand her journey.  You cannot be expected to completely understand the magnitude of this life event unless you have walked in her shoes, but your support and validation will assist in her recovery. Thank you for loving and helping her.”
Maybe in your next newsletter you could ask your world of SIBlings what they would like to see in it?

I will be more than happy to put this together for our women. I won't charge money for it as long as you don't mind printing it out as a Microsoft document. I will then see about having it run off as a booklet if you would like to buy it at cost for $5.00 plus shipping.

If you would like me to answer a question for you in this document that you can share with others, please send it to me at In the headline, type "Question for Booklet." 

This will be for the people in your life who don't understand our journey in hopes that they can realize what we are going through.

And Susan--what a great idea! Thanks! xoxoxoxo

MAILBAG - Ladies, thank you for always sharing such remarkable thoughts!

Dear Bonnie,  

This truly is one thought as I am sick right now, but it came to me laying here.  It's probably been said before, but here goes:

"It takes so much courage for these gay men to "come out," finally.  But how much more cowardice do they have for the years and decades they lie, blame, sometimes abuse and belittle their wife for being herself, which is a woman."

We should be celebrating the guys who come clean earlier on, not just random "coming out" with no accountability for the prison sentence they forced on another soul(s).  Where to draw the line?  Well mine didn't get real with me for 14+ years, and even now he is going to the arms of another woman (no joke). So I guess I can plug in the average age a woman lives, minus the stress of a gay/straight "marriage", and any abuse, that takes years away, and celebrate the estimated years left?!

Things ARE finally falling into place!  I am towards the end at 38 years old, yay!   
I found a picture in his stuff as I organized and got his stuff in the garage.  Looked gay to me..  Four naked hairy butts, all super close to each other.  Straight guys would not sit that close period (even dressed), and straight guys wouldn't take a picture, and a straight guy would not keep that picture (hidden).  My husband was in that picture.  Now he is with his ex-girlfriend, who has NO idea.  Heck, I have NO idea WHO this man is that I was married to all these years.  Some gay guys sure do have NPD (not just the traits).  

Such a good thing I found it because pictures don't lie.  And he has played so many mind games.  I feel my guilt fading away with the family photos that are now off the walls.  Only the ones of my kids remain :-)

You know, the sad thing is, Bonnie,  these men struggle with coming towards their most authentic selves.  So they gravitate towards the most authentic women they can find, discourage these women from being THEIR authentic selves, then after using these women and children, they decide it's convenient to now find their authentic selves.  So now ALL the members of the family for the FIRST time have to find themselves, who they are, but the men get sympathy and a party.  The women will never know who they would have been had those years not been stolen.  Instead, they have to remember who they were before the gay man posing as a real husband, and who they think they want to be now.  They have to put together the pieces, while losing the middle pieces that were all a lie.  Then they have to mend themselves to make the pieces connect, without the middle pieces.

The crazy thing is that the girl I was when I innocently and loyalty said my vows, was not homophobic, and knew my own sexuality to its core.  I was MORE sexual and open about sex than many of my (young 20's) girlfriends, and very passionate.  I felt like sex was the reason to live!  I felt like those moments of intimacy were glimpses of heaven, escape and freedom from all oppression!  I loved sex, and I wanted my marriage to take this to newer heights, levels and exploration.  This was one of the main reasons I wanted to get married.  Unfortunately, I also viewed my vows as a commitment to work through anything.  Hence the dilemma and the length of time it took me to see, and to be okay with breaking away.  And truthfully, it was more the abuse that justified my filing for the divorce.  But, oh how I missed the tenderness, the touch of another, the long intimate talks, especially during the afterglow moments of collapsing, bodies folding in perfection, the teasing anticipation, the REAL kisses, the looks of love and desire, getting to look with love and desire, giving, taking, wanting, needing, flirting, blushing.  Nope, that was not allowed.  That was indoctrinated into me slowly, steadily, and craftily.  Probably as he was having gang bangs, one-on-one passion, and whatever pleased him!

Ok, maybe you can help me find my voice, my articulation here.  WHAT to say to people who sympathize with my husband's sexuality issues?  I find that I am it's okay for ME to be his supporter in finding himself, but I don't like it when others sympathize to ME about him?  It makes me glad I decided not to watch Brokeback  Mountain yet.  I guess I wish people would keep their sympathy and support to the kids and me, and their sympathy towards him.  I mean, are people going up to HIM saying, "Wow, the way your wife and kids must feel is unbelievable."  The pain of KNOWING your sexuality but to have it robbed by someone who doesn't know or want to know theirs is such a double, triple, exponential tragedy.  What a sick world, and what sick choices of individuals to make THEIR tragedy everyone else's.  Then what about the way you are handling your wife and kids now?  How selfish, how cruel.  Those poor kids, with no understanding of what happened, and just thinking their father is no longer interested in being in their life (though that's not new, because emotionally you never had much to give as a shell of a man), you really CAN see it from these straight people's points of view in this crazy world, can't you bro?"

You can share any of my ramblings.  I feel like I have nowhere else to share right now.  Being a wife of a straight/gay marriage feels like being the slave's slave.  Both have a long way to go to be truly free.  Sometimes the world accepts, while at the same time it chastises the slave.  The slave is more of the focus of humanitarians everywhere, sometimes getting recognition, sometimes being hated.  The slave's slave is just nonexistent, except fot the WONDERFUL world of technology...and the others like the subgroup of the politically recognized, who ban together, and the woman who started this.  I am not trying to glorify you, Bonnie.  It IS a great thing when one can use their own life's experience to make such a difference.  It is what many of us wish to do, even in small ways.  We don't want the bad experiences to be a waste.  We want them to be used for good, so good can triumph.  It is a great thing.  


Dear Bonnie,

This I write after a couple glasses of wine, my divorce will be final, hopefully, Friday.  I can only say to all the women out there that there is healing.  I was married almost 23 years when he finally admitted that he was "attracted to men".  This after 3 years and 30 plus encounters with men he met online.  

I need let others know that though he is an ass and used me more than half my life and my entire adult life was a lie, I choose to not let this define me.  I am more than the sum of my history.  I believe that the world is bigger than the pain others inflict.   

Please post this as anonymous.