BONNIE KAYE'S STRAIGHT TALK - AUGUST 2013
Help support Bonnie’s mission to help women and men in pain. Purchase her books from her website at www.Bonniekayebooks.com. Her newest book can be purchased at www.Dysfunctionalmen.com.
CHECK OUT MY UPDATED WEBSITE
I have just updated my website at www.Gayhusands.com. You can see the new tab there for "Our Children." I hope you'll read the message and keep referring back to it as painful as it may be to read it. Please encourage your adult children to read it as well.
I've also added a new link for blogs from members of my support network who are blogging. I think the more connections we make with others, the stronger we become. If you have a blog geared for straight wives that you would like me to post there, please let me know.
FIGURING OUT THE RESENTMENT OF GAY HUSBANDS & WHO WE ARE
Last month I wrote about my new epiphany that "gay men don't think straight." I had an overwhelming response from readers thanking me for this new discovery. It really cleared up a lot of things for those women so they could stop the self-blame of why their marriages failed or are failing.
I also want to reiterate for the record that although people like to use the quote, "It takes two to make or break a marriage," that does not apply to our type of marriages. In our marriages, it only take one person to make it break--namely your gay husband. Sadly, a number of you are still taking the responsibility for this. Why should you absolve yourself from this responsibility? Here are some reasons.
As women, we go into marriages with certain hopes, dreams, and expectations. We are looking for partners who can truly be partners in every sense of the word based on the perceptions from observations that we have grown up with. The partners we seek out are men who want to be with us on a physical, emotional, and sexual level. While your husband is playing the role of "straight husband," he tries his best to make sure that he is all of these things to you. He has observed straight men from the time he was a child, and as he grew older, he did his best to imitate them in order to keep away any suspicion that he might be gay. And by the way, this is not a "blame" thing on my part--it's an "understanding" thing. When you want to be someone other than yourself, you do your best to study everything from walking, talking, and laughing so you can play the role--just like any other actor.
Some of these husbands are even homophobic. I used to think they were putting on an act to throw us off guard. Although this is true for a percentage of gay husbands, it isn't true all of the time. Some of these men really are homophobic. It's due to "self-hatred" towards those who remind them of what they are. They are the first ones to say the word "faggot" when they suspect or find out someone is gay which is usually offensive to us--their liberal wives who are pro-gay. They have no empathy for men who are going through the "struggle." They work so hard to pull this off their straightness that they have no sympathy for "weaklings" who give in to that "other way of life." You know--an authentic gay life. They really are homophobic--well, until they are in a sexual act with one of those 'faggots." Yeah, I wonder what they say then.
So when we add up all the clues, we breathe a sigh of relief to know that our husbands are 'straight," not "gay." In mathematical terms,
"married" + "father" + "homophobic" = STRAIGHT!
Getting back to my point, once we feel confident that our husbands aren't gay, we start wondering why our marriages seem "off-track." It doesn't start with anything major, but rather little things. One of those little things that changes early in the marriage is SEX.
Side note: When women come to me and I ask them, "How is your sex life?," a common response is, "Well, our sex life is good." Almost all of those women who tell me that their sex life is "good' or "normal" have very limited previous sexual experience. Without fail, after they meet a straight man, they are kind enough to write back that their sex lives are "great" because they finally understand what making love with a straight man is about.
Sorry--I had to mention that before I forgot. Anyway, as the sex starts waning in your marriage in a short amount of time, you start wondering why the frequency (which was never that frequent to start with) has changed and why your husband seems to be pulling away more and more from you. At first, you ask him gently, "Honey, is everything okay? Is there anything bothering you that you want to talk about?" He quickly responds, "No, not at all. Why are you asking?" At that point, he is seeing a waving red flag and says to himself, "Uh oh, danger ahead...shark...shark...shark..." In other words, is there something that he has done to tip you off? Remember, when someone is living a lie that is tightly wrapped up, he can't afford to allow that package to unravel in any shape or manner lest it all falls apart.
At this point, GAY is the LAST thing on YOUR mind, but it is still the first thing on his mind--as well as wondering if he has let any hidden information slip out by mistake. Did he accidentally say something in his sleep? Was it a glance at a cute guy that lingered too long? Another point I'd like to make--as naive as some of you still are who are reading this--and I say naive--not stupid so please don't think I mean anything other than naive--some of your husbands have continued to have gay sex from the early days of your marriage. It's not like there was a time limit on the "I do" part he said to you in those vows like "I do for today, but I don't know after the first year, five years, ten years." He really did hope those male sexual attractions would fade if he promised to love and cherish you, but he had no clue either that loving you would not be enough to stop them. You can trust me when I tell you that I know that some of your husbands were having sex with men shortly after your honeymoon--and some even on the honeymoon said to say. How do I know? Don't forget--I counsel hundreds of gay men each year and help them come out to you.
As time passes on in your marriage, you notice "The Big Chill." It is now definitely directed against you. There are only so many headaches, toothaches, and stress aches that any one husband can have. When you start suggesting that "maybe there is something that he doesn't like about YOU," well...you just opened his escape hatch. Yep--that must be it. He quickly retreats for a moment by saying, "Don't be silly," but he is smiling as he says it. Why? Because he knows he can now use that hatch to start his escape plan of blaming YOU.
The next time you try to bring up "the subject," he injects some little thoughts. They start out with, "Honey, why are you always thinking about sex? I don't think it's normal to have sex on your mind all the time." TAKE A GIANT STEP BACK.
The weeks go by and you approach it again. "Honey, I've noticed you have put on some weight. There's something that doesn't look right about you. Maybe you have to start exercising." TAKE ANOTHER GIANT STEP BACK.
Now, it's been several months. You've lost some weight. You've had your hair colored. You went and bought a sexy nightgown. By the time you put it on, he's fast asleep. You try to nudge him, but he's making loud snoring sounds and is totally turned the other way just in case you're checking out his eyes (which are usually squinted shut or wide open while he's doing this. Well, TAKE ONE MORE GIANT STEP BACK.
Do you think he's avoiding you? No, not at all. Like you, he has a mental calendar. Yours is saying how long it's been since he last had sex with you. At the same time, he's counting how many days that it's going to be before he has to do SOMETHING with you as his straight husbandly duty. He's not avoiding you--he's just building up the courage to do something with you that he dreads or at least is distasteful.
He knows you can only take so many steps back before he has to make you feel as you are moving forward or maybe you will start talking to friends and mentioning to them that you think something is wrong.
Now he's going to fool you. He'll suggest some drinks or pot so you can both have some fun. After all, it's been weeks or months. Isn't it time? You are so happy, that you do everything you can to make the mood a real one--quiet candlelight dinner, bottle of wine, kids tucked away, romantic music--and tonight's the night! After waiting for six months, it's your time to shine. All is well with your world--you can take FIVE GIANT STEPS AHEAD! YAAAAAY! Everything is "normal" again. Those silly thoughts in your head can finally disappear. Whatever it was that was paused is on full speed ahead now--until you try to touch him again. This is where his resentment sets in.
He took care of you, didn't he? Didn't he prove he loved you? Didn't he prove he was straight? And now you want more? What are you, a nymphomaniac? Why do you always have to think about sex? What is wrong with you? Who told you that marriages are like this? What are you, 18 years old that you need so much sex? Uh oh, take FOUR GIANT STEPS BACK.
Now here is the irony of this whole situation. You think you feel bad for feeling rejected? You gay husband feels the same way because he feels just as rejected as you do when you make him feel inadequate because he can't please you by having enough sex. No matter what he does, it isn't enough. You are NOT being supportive of him when you are finding fault in all of the things he is trying to do to be a good husband to you. In fact, if you ask these men that you are divorcing if they thought they were good husbands to you, the overwhelming majority of them are going to say YES!! And in their minds, they were.
Some of them were good providers as far as providing a home and an income. Some of them took good care of the house making sure it was clean because you didn't exactly do the best job, did you? Was it ever clean enough? They were good companions to you. They loved shopping and fixing up the house. They were very sociable with friends. Okay, maybe they did seem a little different when you were alone, but living with you could be frustrating, couldn't it? You think you're right all of the time. You're very pushy when it comes to many things--but the thing that you are the most pushy about is the sex thing.
Okay--let's talk about "pushy" for a moment since most of us have been accused of that. I guess it won't shock you when I tell you that the majority of these men are very "controlling." SUPRISE!!!! No, it wasn't just your husband/ex-husband--it's most of our husbands. Is this a coincidence? Of course not. Gay husbands are so controlling because they live in the fear of their secret "coming out" long before they are tired of living in the closet. They can't control their sexuality, but they can sure try to control YOU!.
To a man who is controlling, anything that can mess up his well-controlled secret life is a threat. By your questioning him on things that just don't add up, that makes you PUSHY. He does not need you to upset his applecart. That's where more of his resentment sets in. With the resentment, often comes the anger. Did I mention to you that some of us were married to "rage-a-holics?" These are men who "shout you down to shut you up." In time, we just shut up. We stop asking. We become modern day versions of those Stepford Wives dutifully doing whatever we think we have to do to keep the peace.
Think about it. When you went into the marriage, who were you? Are you still that same woman or did your marriage stunt your emotional growth? Were your expectations in your marriage fulfilled? Were you able to get nourishment and praise so you could grow and reach your personal and professional goals? Was your husband focusing on your happiness for real or what he perceived should be your happiness? Did you become depressed? Did you feel stuck? Did you have to justify your marriage by making excuses such as, "No marriage is perfect," or "It will get better," when you knew there was no way things were getting better? Did you keep trying harder and harder thinking that if you cleaned a little better your husband would finally love you enough? Did you take responsibility for his unhappiness by believing those subtle little messages or not so subtle insults that YOU were the problem in the marriage? You weren't attractive enough? Your body had a bad odor? You were too boring in bed?
The problem is we are working in the dark. Even when we suspect the truth, we can't put the big picture together. Look at it this way. If you were told at your job that you have to put together a 5000 piece jigsaw puzzle in order to get your next paycheck, at first you may look at it as a challenge. But if you had no clue that there were 3 missing pieces, you can imagine how your frustration would set in as you spent hours each day searching over and over again for something that you could never find because you had no idea it was missing. That's how most of our marriages are. Jigsaw puzzles with missing pieces. We keep searching looking to make something right that is always off balance. The more we question what is wrong, the more frustrated our husbands get because in their minds, THEY ARE DOING EVERYTHING RIGHT.
When I told my ex-husband that I thought we should go for therapy after a couple of years into the marriage, his response to me was, "We don't need therapy. YOU are the one who is unhappy--not me." His perception isn't far off from many of your situations. The gay husbands are complacent. Maybe they aren't thrilled, but they aren't ready to jolt. They can get by especially if you don't keep up that annoying sex stuff. And once you get continually "shut down" in that department, you learn to "shut up."
Feeling a little frustrated? Let me ask you this. If you had a husband who hungered for you, made you feel that being with you was the best part of his day, planned fun events with you, sat next to you with his arm around you or walked holding your hand, told you that you looked beautiful and that after dinner, he wanted you for dessert, do you think you would have turned out differently? If you had a husband who applauded your successes and encouraged you to maximize your potential without worrying that you might say the wrong thing to the wrong person--namely revealing secrets that he was hiding--don't you think you would have been a different woman?
Funny--we usually end up saying that we don't really know the men we married. Here's the true irony--we don't really know the women we were destined to become because we were much too busy becoming the women we thought our husbands could love more if we did more. Put your missing pieces back into the pile. Now that you can solve the puzzle, don't worry about it anymore. Start worrying about who you missed out on being for so many years, and get moving. Life is still out there for you to take. Grab it and run with it--straight ahead!
ANOTHER THOUGHT FOR TODAY....
The longer you stay in your marriage, the longer your husband can live with you in his closet. Staying with him validates that he is not gay.
CHECKING OUT YOUR LAWYER
I am very close to one of my support group members. She is a hero to me in her struggle of divorce while maintaining custody of her children from a man who is trying to punish her for her decision.
She recently invested a lot of money in getting a second opinion from a well established attorney in her area who is supposed to be an expert in divorce and custody. He was a $500 an hour lawyer, and he had her sitting there for two hours discussing the case. At the end of the two hours, he suggested to her that maybe she should try to be more conciliatory with her husband as far as parenting the children. She was going out of her way to accommodate her husband's request for generous visitation. She did not want to split them up one week at a time from home to home. She had been a stay-at-home mom for 17 years and actively was involved in the day-to-day lives of the children.
When she told me the remarks of her attorney, it just didn't sound right. I told her that I wanted to check him out. For the next hour, we searched the web. We found that he was one of the officers in the Gay and Lesbian Legal Association on a local and national level. In fact, he had written articles about the importance of gay parenting.
I believe that gay attorneys should be advocates for gay people because they definitely need as many people as possible to stand up for their rights. However, I don't believe they can be totally objective in this type of a case where the straight parent needs advocacy.
You need to really check out someone who is going to be representing you in any legal battle. Competency is extremely important--but personal loyalties are as well. Human nature is human nature. Anyone who thinks it doesn't count in a courtroom is very naive.
BONNIE'S SOURCES OF SUPPORT
- Support chat 3 times a week
- Support chat in the United Kingdom once a week
- Support chat once a week for Adult Children of Gay Fathers
- Bonnie's Straight Wives Talk Show at www.Blogtalkradio.com where you can go to the archives by typing in the search bar Straight Wives Talk Show
- Monthly newsletters
- Books at www.Bonniekayebooks.com
Don't feel alone--help is only a click away!