Bonnie Kaye’s Straight Talk Newsletter
DECEMBER 2013 Volume 14, Issue 148
LIFE WAS NEVER MEANT TO BE THIS COMPLICATED. PERIOD.
YOU CAN'T FIX A BROKEN MAN--BUT HE CAN BREAK YOU!
Help support Bonnie’s mission to help women and men in pain. Purchase her books from her website at www.Bonniekayebooks.com. Her newest book can be purchased at www.Dysfunctionalmen.com.
THE NEXT HEALING WEEKEND - MARCH 1/2 IN HOUSTON TEXAS!
My next Healing Weekend will be in Houston, Texas, on March 1st and 2nd. The women in Texas are strong and compassionate, and I know you will love meeting them including two of my radio show favorites, Grace and Wendy. Everyone who attends a healing weekend leaves feeling far more validated than before. Some even have quick life changes after all of the positive energy that reaches out to them. If you would like information, please write to me at Bonkaye@aol.com as soon as possible!
LESSON #57 ABOUT GAY HUSBANDS
I have spent over 13 years writing this newsletter. I've tried to make sense and unravel the confusion that all of us feel when we first learn or suspect this most horrific news. Some of the lessons I've taught you include:
1. You can take no responsibility in your husband's homosexuality.
2. Gay husbands come in different varieties: some are emotionally abusive, some are physically abusive, some are nice but sexually not responsive; some are sociopaths, others are narcissists. Regardless of what category your gay husband fits into, it doesn't change what the truth is--he's gay--and that is about the only truth in this situation.
3. No matter how you scream, dream, or pray--the gay is here to stay. It's not leaving, and it can't be turned off by pushing a button or moving a mountain. Learn to accept it not so that you can stay in it but rather so you can leave it. It was a mistake--or what I call a "mis-marriage." Mistakes can be fixed. Every day is a new day to take back your life! You didn't make him gay and you can't change it. You weren't born with the special powers, so stop trying to think you were.
4. You are entitled to mourn and grieve. You are even allowed to have an occasional pity party whenever you need one because you deserve it. Your life has been impacted in a terrible way. For some of you who have been in long-term marriages, your entire adult life has been stolen away from you. But remember--if you don't work on the anger you are feeling, you'll move to the next stage of bitterness. It's very different than anger because it means you won't let go. If you don't let go, you won't ever find the inner peace that you need in order to find the happiness you deserve. If you are that stuck, you need to be honest about it and seek out professional help. I have some wonderful therapists who are part of my network that can help you do this. Go to my website and look at the resources under my links on the right hand side of the site. They all do phone counseling and Skype. Give yourself the gift of good mental health.
5. Don't ever believe that your children are unaffected by these marriages. Many of them grow up with so many different issues that need to be worked out EVEN IF THEY WON'T ADMIT IT TO YOU. Encourage them to get help and support. Let them know that there is a support group for them and give them my email.
6. Gay Husband Recovery is a process. It won't happen in a day, a week, a month, or a year. There are so, so many issues we have to get through. Some of our women (a little over 20%) have been given the gift that goes on giving forever--namely a sexually transmitted disease (STD). Their lives have been impacted forever. How do you get over that? Others will have to downsize their lives, sell their house, get sued for alimony, be sued for custody of your children, and alienated from friends and family. It's almost as if every time you're moving one step ahead, you get pulled back two steps. You think it's easy to get over this? Don't ever let people get away with saying, "Why is it taking you so long to get 'over it' meaning they are getting impatient with your recovery. That shoves YOU further into a closet as people decide your pace of recovery.
7. You no longer have to vacillate on what to call your husband--a-sexual, bisexual, confusexual, denialsexual, gay, homosexual, notverysexual, metrosexual, etc. As soon as he crosses the penis line, he's now called Non-Straight. That fits all categories!
8. Over 60% of gay husbands will NEVER tell you the truth. They don't have enough of a conscience to be honest. They are compartmentalized and able to keep living their lie when they are with you and after they leave you. I am tired of gay husbands saying, "My marriage didn't work because of other reasons--it's not just homosexuality." Pleazzzzzzzzzzzzzze men, step up to the plate just once and admit the real truth: Your wife became a totally different woman in order to survive a marriage that gave her pain, rejection, and beat up her sexuality based on YOUR LIES. Do you really think it has nothing to do with you and your excuses of depression, workload, .headaches, toothaches, back aches, allergies, you having post partum depression when your wife gave birth, Low "T" and erectile dysfunction, or disgust with your wife because she was too thin...too fat...to sexually aggressive...too sexually passive or any of the other lies you made up to convince yourself you are not gay? Let's be real here. This leads me to my end-of-year thought for this year:
My final lesson for the 2013 year is this. For all of you who wonder why your husband denies your question of is he gay by "gaylighting" you to make you think you are crazy, I have finally figured out why he is doing this. As so many of you tell me all of the time, "My husband is in denial." I used to try to answer this with the explanation that they are only in denial to you--not to the men whom they are enjoying sex with.
I now believe that some of the straight-gay men are lying to themselves. I know about lying to yourself. I can do that very easily when I'm dieting and slip. I say, "It's only one slip--it doesn't count." A week later, after consuming a week's worth of food that is bad for me, I may admit I've screwed up--but not to worry, Tomorrow is another chance to start over again. The problem is that tomorrow doesn't come fast and easy. It could be a week or a month before I take hold of myself to admit the errors of my sugar-coated ways. Then I can diet perfect again---but four or six weeks l fall again. Gay men in denial do the same thing. They'll justify by saying, "It was only a casual encounter; that doesn't mean I'm gay. One encounter becomes a dozen within a short time, but that doesn't mean he is gay either. Why? Because he didn't kiss the guy and make out. Why? Because he doesn't have any emotional connection. Why? Because there is no way he is gay--he has a wife and children. There is one truth here:
They lie to themselves because it makes it so much easier for them to lie to you.
Yes, this is my newest epiphany for the year. They really do lie to themselves. This is different than "compartmentalization" where they KNOW they are living a double life but continue to do it by separating the two lives from each other. These are men who can have relationships with other guys and fall semi-in love/lust with them. This is not even the same as "denial" when you know on some level that you are doing the dirty but not admitting it to people--especially the wife. Denial means on some level you're denying your secret life to others--but you know the real truth and have no problem partaking in anonymous sex . You'll deny it and accuse your wife of being crazy, but you'll keep planning these liaisons knowing that no one will find out that you are using your Grindr application (http://grindr.com/).
This category of "LIE MEN" is a whole new set of baggage. Lying to yourself and believing the lies represents this group of men. They can lie to themselves telling themselves there is no way they are gay....and BELIEVE IT...because it us so much easier to lie to you and have no feelings of uneasiness. It's not like compartmentalizing when they are able to separate two lives or denying when they just don't want you to know . This is called "Lying to yourself and believing the lie" or "LIE MEN." By giving up one inch of the lie and moving into either compartmentalization or denial, that could weaken his resolve of dealing with who he is. He might have to accept that on some level he is "gay." He then might slip and say something revealing accident or on purpose. Yikes--this could destroy everything that he holds so dear--namely his straight persona. He could lose everything that he has worked so hard to have for so long--a respectable lifestyle with a wife protecting his image to the public, his family, his employment, and his friends
Interesting side note: I am working with a man on the importance of coming out to his wife and tell her the truth about why their marriage isn't working. He defends himself by telling me this is not a marriage that could work under any circumstances because his wife is "emotionally unbalanced." So why should he tell her? In his initial contact with me, he stated: T0his is not a marriage that could work under any circumstances because his wife is "emotionally unbalanced."
I am struggling with when to tell my wife, and most of the once married/straight, and now gay guys that I have talked to recommend not bringing up being gay as far as the reason for wanting the divorce. I think the fear is that it will be more financially costly and the wife will be vindictive (and we don't have the money to hire attorneys). I have heard of instances of this on my "journey."
I underlined the most important part in that statement so you can be aware of how this works. This is the message being spread through the gay husband community encouraging your husband NOT to tell you the truth. I wanted to give you personal insight on why you never have to worry about checking on your husband. If the quasi-established gay husband network can encourage this behavior, then I will always continue my stand on CHECK HIM OUT. Yes, become your own personal spy. That's fine and more moral than lying like he's doing.
I always explain to the gay men who come to me complaining about their wives that their wives' lives have been altered by being married to gay men who are living a lie and pushing them away emotionally and sexually. I explain to each man that if his wife was a combination of Mother Theresa and Angelina Jolie, he would still find fault with her in order not to have sex with her because she would still be a woman--and they want a man. He won't be turned on to Angelina--but he will lust after her husband Brad Pitt. People don't call me the "Tough Love Counselor" for nothing! And sometimes they really do listen to me and do the right thing! Those are the nights I go to bed with a smile on my face.
In conclusion, stop grasping for straws offering you some kind of miracle that will tie you down for another year. Accept what is--make a New Year's Resolution to find a way out. Contact me if you need support because I have plenty of support out there.
From Dr. Brian Hooper
One of the blessings I am grateful for this year is my discovery of Dr. Brian Hooper. Brian has joined our support network helping women and gay men in our situation. He has great insight on our situation. He is an authentic gay man who understands my point of view and agrees with me on our need for support from a therapist who understand what we go through. Although he has never been married, he is very pro-honesty and holds our husbands accountable for honesty.
Brian co-hosts my computer radio show "Straight Wives Talk Show" at www.Blogtalkradio. com the last Sunday of the month. So many of you have written to me about how comforting he is. Brian offered to share his ideas about getting through the holidays. Here's what he shared:
Handling the Holidays Post Betrayal
I am writing this especially for women who have been married to men whom they later found out were gay, and who feel betrayed by the experience. However, these thoughts also apply to all who have experienced a betrayal of their love and trust in intimate relationships.
“Betrayal” is from the Latin tradere, which means to hand over. It may be ironic to think of “handling” the holidays after all that was promised you has been handed over to another. However, it is a reminder to “get a handle” on your own life again and receive it back with strong and gentle hands of your own.
The “you” that you get back may feel like a victim of kidnapping who needs to learn how to trust again and, in the meantime, needs to know that she/he is being kept safe.
So, your main goal in holiday times is to keep yourself safe. I find it interesting that “safe” and “salvage” have the same origin. The root is save. In one sense, your task is to save yourself from further injury. In another sense, it is to save what remains and make repair, to salvage. When combined, the task is to keep safe and make repair.
Here are some suggestions for staying safe and making repairs to your soul in holiday times.
- Enter the holidays with a meditation or prayer of gratitude for your life. The holidays, no matter the religious tradition, are about reconnecting you to THE ALL that makes you whole. Ask God or your best and highest sense of self to help you see opportunities to connect to what is life affirming.
- Let go of expectations that anything will be quite the same. Why should it be? You’ve experienced something radical that can’t be un-experienced. So your perceptions and experiences will be different.
- Do old rituals that you have enjoyed but do them with a significant difference. If only you and your immediate family decorated on a certain day for the holidays, then perhaps agree with a friend to help each other decorate. It is a way to establish what is called the “new normal.”
- Plan ahead regarding food and drink. It is fine to enjoy the holiday treats, but put a reminder card in your purse or wallet that prompts you to take care of your body. Refuse to betray yourself by overeating or making trouble for yourself with alcohol.
- Pace yourself so that you have time to rest. It is better to do less, but be truly present, than to do more and feel burned out.
- Beware of trying to make up for the absence of your child’s/children’s parent (if you have been married with children) with more activities or gifts. They, too, need to grieve and need you demonstrate that relationships and not things are what matter most.
- Create a new tradition. Choose something to which you can assign a meaning that supports life and love, even if you don’t feel like it.
- Make use of candles as they may be used in your religious tradition. For Christians, candles are a reminder that the “Light of the World” came into the world in the darkest night of the year. Those in the Jewish tradition remember the miraculous oil that kept the sacred lamp lit following victory over their persecutors. Again, the light of promise had been with them even in dark times.
- Exercise! It releases very helpful neuro-chemicals, dispels toxins, and aids with sleep.
- Sleep! Sleep is absolutely necessary to release certain hormones that are required to repair our bodies. Lack of sleep results in stress and the release of corrosive cortisol that can drain our adrenal glands and result in fatigue.
- Be conservative with your spending. You can’t shop your way out of grief or pain. If possible, make things with the help of others that convey the love of your heart.
- Pause and think before you either accept or reject an invitation or opportunity. Will it contribute to your wellbeing? Are you saying “yes” out of love or out of obligation? Are you saying “no” out of fear or self-empowerment?
Take good care of yourself. And if I may be helpful in navigating the holidays, please call me!
A NOTE FROM OUR SISTER SHARON IN CANADA
I have asked Sharon to write her story for our newsletter because I think many of you who are Catholic will benefit from this information.
Hi My Friends:
I am one of your sisters, my life has been unbelievable. Bonnie asked me to write you about my experience. A mirror image of your marriages and lives.
I was married for 24 years to a man who hated himself. He always took his inner hatred of himself out on me. He blamed and controlled everything during the marriage from what I wore when we went out to how to style my hair and that it should always be permed. I gave up all my control; I have family here but they did not drop by at all.
All the intimacy problems were blamed on me early in our marriage. I was never intimate with anyone until I met him, a very big mistake because I had no past relationship to compare the sexual issues in this marriage to. Not realizing how much trouble I was in, I stayed. I planned the children, my son 1993 and my daughter 1996. There was no intimacy after my daughter was born. When my kids were young and I was home one summer day with them. My ex walked into the house looked at me and said "I hate everything about you." It was the same as if I had the wind knocked out of me. I begged and pleaded that we go to a marriage counselor, but he said, "No, I am too busy at work."
Then I realized I am on my own, felt so defeated, and then I turned to alcohol at night time. Standing in dark by myself drinking. Praying for God to please help me, I felt I was in hell. I went to see a counselor for myself when I got a full time job. I needed help to quit drinking because it was spilling over to the other parts of my day to day life with my kids. One session I looked at her and said, “I am not going to waste anymore of your time, what would you say if I told you that I have not been intimate with my husband for over 15 years? She was not shocked and said, "Have you ever thought that he could be gay? That you are the cover he has been hiding behind for years. That he has not come out of the closest and would probably take this secret to the grave."
I went home and waited for him to get home. The kids were at friends houses. I looked at him and said I went to see the counselor today, explained that I have not been intimate with you for 15 years and how you blamed me. Do you want to know what she said? She said it is not my fault and you are probably gay. His response was, "I thought I would grow to love you however it did not happen. I said, "Do you have any idea what you have done? You are the most selfish person God ever put life into and walked away."
Then, my friends, I started on my journey. First I quit drinking (now 3 years) and got the help I needed from my brother, who dealt with addiction and prevention. My next step was to separate and move out of the house. My kids were so supportive because they had witnessed how I was treated over the years. They did not blame me whatsoever. I got half of the equity in the house. I am presently just a couple of streets away from my son, 20 years old and my daughter 17 years old in my own house. I went to the lawyer and told him I want this completed as soon as possible, and there were no conflicts. I am now legally divorced. I believe in my heart and soul that I am here today because God was on my side.
I had a struggled within myself, this was not a true marriage. So I started to contact the church to see if I could speak with a priest in regard to the guidelines of the annulment procedure. I had several meetings with the priest. I was embarrassed to talk to him about intimacy matters at first or how the annulment would affect my kids.
The priest was very helpful and stated that if there has been no intimacy for 8 years or more in a marriage that the church will grant an annulment. This marriage will be considered null/void. He also stated that it does not affect the children.
So now I am on another journey, I have met with the representatives from the church and started to get all my paper work in order to start this process. I want and need closure that is how I will survive this hell..
Here are the steps I need to take to get control of my life again.
- Talk to your priest
- Get a legal divorce first, before you request the annulment.
- Follow the church’s instructions as there are other documents required, copy of the marriage certificate, your baptismal certificate and a copy of the divorce decree.
- Notify the ex that you are going through with the annulment.
Also, I read a story where this wife had been through a lot and took her wedding band back to the church and put it on the alter for her own closure.
I have found the annulment has been such a great option for me. It all centers around closure for me I know that now. It may not be for everyone, but I will never get the truth so this is my way of not wasting any more time on that part of my life. I struggled with hurt and rejection for years. I know my children are the best part of me. I know staying in this marriage for years was the biggest mistake that I have ever made in my life.
Next journey, to get a new job and move back to my home town. I have my kids blessing.
I am now ready for the new and improved Sharon
Thank you for listening…
From my friend Dollie...a final thought for the end of the year!
I LOVED your newsletter about Sociopathic behavior! In my opinion, these guys all win the Alpha-Dog Award for peeing on us and then blaming us for being wet.
Please let me know if you are in Ottawa Canada. One of our women is looking to connect for support!
To all of you in this support network, happiest of holidays no matter where you are on the road to Gay Husband Recovery. I will be there standing by your side until you get where you need to go no matter how long it takes.
With love and hope,