BONNIE KAYE'S STRAIGHT TALK - OCTOBER 2015

BONNIE KAYE'S STRAIGHT TALK

October 2015     Volume 16, Issue 169

ABOUT MY CHRISTIAN WIVES...

In our group, I am so fortunate to have some wonderful Christian women who are willing to reach out to other Christian women in turmoil and pain when they learn that their husbands' homosexuality isn't leaving no matter how hard they are both praying.

It's not that I don't feel "qualified" to discuss this situation with women who come to me who are feel so conflicted by their Christian values--it's more because I don't feel that I have "credibility" to speak to them about Christian issues because I am Jewish.

I have been working with our women and men for over 30 years. I have learned a lot--and I mean a lot when it comes to the importance of the marriage vows as the reason why Christian women remain in these "mis-marriages," or mistake of a marriage. And let's be clear--a straight/gay marriage is a mistake.

In my book "The Gay Husband Checklist for Women Who Wonder," I wrote a chapter about the prototype of the women that gay men seek out as wives either consciously or unconsciously. In most cases, it was not done with ill intent--it is done with great hope and desire for the man NOT TO BE GAY. For those gay men who can perform or who think or "pray" they can perform sex with a woman, finding a good Christian woman who is filled with heartfelt love and understanding is a good bet. In fact, a good Christian woman who has held on to her Christian values--which means not having sex with a man before marriage--is an even better bet. Look, if you've never "done it" before, you really don't know the difference between good sex and bad sex. And when their hopes fade because making love to you is much more repulsive in time than not, these guys can really talk you into the purpose of sex is for the sake of procreating children--not for enjoyment. And if you think it is--you are a "slut" or "nymphomaniac." They will come up with all kinds of scriptural proof by distorting the words in the Bible.

On a side note, my friend Patsy Rae Dawson, a Christian marriage counselor, will show you a whole other side of the scriptures. You can visit her website at www.Patsyraedawson.com where she has  lots of free articles you can read now including "God Loves Passionate Sex" and "Christians Make the Best Lovers." And she'll show you every single reference in the Bible to back her up!! And check out her wonderful books and order one while you're there!

Getting back to my point. I've listened to all of my Christian friends in my hope of learning how to approach this situation where logic can outdo twisted perceptions. This is what I have concluded:

1. Jesus is a God of love. He wants people to be happy--not to suffer.

2. Part of being happy is being loved. In a marriage it means being loved as a husband should love a wife which includes a sexually fulfilling relationship.

3. If your husband is gay, then it is fine to break the marriage vows because they are fraudulent. They weren't made with the honest facts. Even if your husband didn't acknowledge his homosexuality, he always knew he was "different" and thought about men throughout the years. Was he honest about that when he met you?

4. Even if he was honest with you about desires in the past, he and you both believed they were in the past--not in the present and the future.

5. Bottom line--he's gay. When you are a Christian, you believe that God is against homosexuality. Therefore, why would God want you to stay with someone that he doesn't accept? The marriage would be considered void.

As several of my Christian women told me:

You entered into a marriage under false pretenses because he wasn't being honest about who he was to himself and especially to you and God. This was a marriage based on fraud which according to the church would be void. Marrying under false pretenses does not mean you are bound to a contract.

Instead of spending years waiting for a miracle that won't be coming your way, save your life and be happy the way the God intended it to be. He knows that people make mistakes because they are only human--and you can be sure He is happy when these mistakes get fixed.

THE "STRAIGHT- GAY MEN HUSBANDS

At my last healing weekend, several of the women told me that they can't "prove" their husbands are gay, but they believe they are. I tell women to trust their instincts. Women who think their husbands are having affairs with other women write to Dear Abby. Women who think their husbands are cheating with men contact "Dear Bonnie."

What is so confusing about the category I have written about below is that these men will never deal with the truth as it is. They will "gaylight" you to make you think YOU ARE CRAZY for even having a thought about their being gay.

I wrote this article in 2002. It really explains the situation in clear terms. Many of my early writings talked about issues such as this. I have them published in a book called "Bonnie Kaye's Straight Talk--A Collection of Her Best Newsletters About Gay Husbands." Here is a direct link you can cut an paste into your browser, or you can get the link on my cover page at www.gayhusbands.com by clicking into the book..

Link: http://www.amazon.com/Bonnie-Kayes-Straight-Talk-Newsletters/dp/1926585046/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1446338675&sr=8-1&keywords=straight+talk+bonnie+kaye

My best writings are in this book because they cover the first seven years of my newsletters which explains so much to women. It can be purchased in eBook or soft book. It really will help your recovery journey.

I hope this will explain things to you:

I have coined a new term for another classification of gay husbands. It is “Straight- Gay Husbands.” I hope you like it. It is my new reference to gay men who are permanently living the straight life, sort of like wolves in sheep’s clothing. They are the husbands who will not acknowledge their homosexuality privately or publicly--ever. Some of them know that you know, but try to confuse you enough to put enough doubt in your mind to make you think that you are the crazy one. It’s the best defense to your “offensive” questions. These are the men that shut you up or shut you down the moment you think about making mention of the possibility of homosexuality. They know what they are, and they know what you suspect, but keep your mouth shut because they don’t want to hear about it--especially from you.

These men are different than the gay husbands that admit they are gay/bisexual but promise not to act on those needs while they remain married to you. (Like we really believe that story!) They are also different than the gay husbands who are leading very secret lives and not leaving a trail of crumbs for you to follow. They are not even quite like the Limbo Men I have described who are caught in between two worlds. These are men who are definitely not stuck. They are identifying strictly as straight. There is no way they are entering the gay world through the front or back door, or even through the closet. They detest the gay world and what it stands for which gives them even greater reassurance, at least to themselves, that they are not gay.

The Straight-Gay Men are the ones who have to remain in total control of all of their physical motions lest someone should suspect they are not quite as straight as they claim. It’s funny how many women tell me how their husbands’ physical appearances, gestures, and movements change once they come out. I can’t even fathom how difficult it must be to have to go through life calculating every breath and step you take. It’s sort of like walking down a sidewalk and having to make sure that you “don’t step on a crack or you’ll break your mother’s back” as the game use to say. My balance and coordination never let me win that game.

These husbands are quick to use you and the children as their proof that they are not gay to the outside world just in case they let their guard down and anyone might accuse them of the “unthinkable.” They honestly don’t identify as gay even though they have sex with men. They don’t get themselves involved emotionally with men, just sexually. That helps them justify the fact that they are straight, not gay.

Some women can’t understand this. If you look like a duck, walk like a duck, act like a duck, but have sex with a goose, are you still a duck or are you a goose? I say you’re a goose. I don’t care what you act like to the outside world; I only look at who satisfies you sexually. And if you’re a duck making love to a goose, your feathers have to ruffle in a different direction when you stand up and straighten them out. But this does make things that much more confusing and complicated. So, to simplify your confusion, let me say this—STRAIGHT MEN DON’T HAVE GAY SEX. You can call it whatever makes you feel better, but I still call it gay—all the way.

Women who live with Straight-Gay Men and Limbo Men are often the most commonly emotionally abused women. They would have to be. Their husbands are truly living in a complex world that makes little or any sense. They are living unfilled lives because they don’t have any emotional connections. They don’t connect emotionally with their wives because they aren’t really straight. They don’t connect emotionally with men because they refuse to be gay. And so they function but don’t connect. This lack of emotional connection creates a sense of insensitivity when it comes to your feelings and your emotions.

          

It also closes them up as human beings. They are unable to connect with a wife because they are living an internal--and what seems like an eternal--lie. This lie keeps overtaking any sense of good feelings towards the person whom they believe is responsible for this state of living—namely you. Now we know it is ridiculous to think that you should be their reason for living this lie, but subconsciously, this is how they feel.

          

As much as they love to have you as their “cover” is as much as they hate to have you sharing their bodies under their covers. They resent your nagging demands for sexual intimacy because it “isn’t their thing.” It’s your thing. And why do you have to try to make them feel inadequate just because they are? Even when you stop asking for it, you are still thinking about it and they can tell. It means they have to come up with a continuous string of stories to account for their lack of sexual behavior with you. This puts pressure on these guys who feel you are being unreasonable. Why do you have to make such a big deal out of sex?

They feel that in all other ways, they are ideal husbands. They are there raising the family with you. They are helping to support your financial needs or at least sharing in them. They are taking part in the social activities that you have decided are important. They are doing lots for you—and how do you show your appreciation? By badgering them with little innuendos and questioning looks. This really shows a lack of appreciation on your part and so they get pissed.

The Straight-Gay Men think they are Supermen. And to a degree, they are. They juggle, manipulate, calculate, and carefully plan out all of their actions. It takes a lot of energy to do this, and they marvel at their ability to pull it off. It gives them an air of smugness that shows in their personality. I’m not quite sure what they think they’re pulling off because they know that you are doubtful of their explanations. There are only so many headaches, backaches, depressions, and side effects from medication that you can keep relying on. But they feel confident if they use these excuses enough, you’ll give up. Most women do. As I’ve said before numerous times, no woman wants to feel like she has to beg her husband to make love to her. It’s degrading and demeaning. We get the hint after enough sexual rejection and stop asking. But it doesn’t mean that we stop thinking—and wanting.

Every time we see other couples holding and caressing lovingly together, this is a reminder. It’s a reminder of what we thought we should have had but never were able to achieve. It’s a reminder of what our hopes and dreams were for married life when we took that life-altering step and said, “I do.”  We are momentarily reminded of what marriage was supposed to be, but never became. And this sadness shows in our faces, in our eyes, and in our hearts. When our husbands glimpse at us, they know what we are thinking. They know what we are wishing. They know that the words they don’t want to hear may possibly be coming out of our mouths at any moment. Rather than take a chance and have to come up with one more excuse, they find some way to knock us down and put us back into the non-assertive mental state that they so easily know how to do.

     

     We are women who have been conditioned. Remember, Straight-Gay Men remain in the marriages indefinitely and have years to erode your sense of self-worth. They are not going anywhere, and they want to make sure that you feel inadequate enough so that you won’t go anywhere either. I don’t know who could have taught these men about the facts of life and marriage, but obviously, they weren’t listening or didn’t have a teacher. Didn’t anyone ever tell them that sex is part of marriage? Didn’t they ever hear that intimacy grows from making love to the person who loves you? Do they really believe that they can sit for years in a marriage and overlook that little detail? Yes, they do. And we become their silent partners because we have been silenced on the issue of sex.

 The irony is that even if you leave these men, as some women do, they will remarry again. Yes, they will remarry another woman. They will still do their occasional gay sex thing to satisfy their sexual need, but that goes with the territory. It is amazing to me how these men can live such a delusional existence until the day they die. And they will drag other women into their web of deceit. The next victim (and men who do this more than once are victimizers) will fall for it just like you did—but even better. Your Straight-Gay Husband has a track record. He will still use you as his shield by telling his next conquest that he was married before, ergo, he is straight. And the woman who is in a subsequent marriage with this man has no reason to question his sexuality at all. He married before; he’s marrying again. Chances are his next wife will feel even more inadequate than you feel. He’ll make sure to tell her that the two of you never had problems in the bedroom before. And if she does meet you, she’ll be too embarrassed to ask you the truth. And you’ll probably keep protecting him.

So if you are in a long-term marriage to a Straight-Gay Man, don’t plan on things ever getting better. There may be temporary second honeymoon periods, only to prove to you once again that you are crazy for even suspecting there is something wrong with your wonder man. But it’s guaranteed that things will resort back to the “normal” pattern of digs, harsh words, and put-downs. Count on it. Then decide if this is the most that you want out of life because as long as you are in this marriage, this is all you can expect.

The Straight Gay Men are able to separate their need for sexual dabbling with a man from their “straight lives” as straight husbands. I do tell our women that as long as you allow your husband to live in his “compartmentalized closet,” he will remain there forever. The fact that you remain in the marriage to him allows him to justify even more that he is straight—especially in his own mind. After all, his wife isn’t going anywhere, right? This convinces him even more.

So if your happiness is waiting for a confession that won’t be coming, do yourself a favor and stop waiting for it. Take control of your life and GET OUT before you allow yourself to totally lose who you are. Remember—if your husband can’t admit he is gay to himself, he will never admit it to you. In his own warped sense of reality, he is a straight man.

BONNIE KAYE'S STRAIGHT TALK NEWSLETTER - AUGUST 2015

BONNIE KAYE'S STRAIGHT TALK

August 2015     Volume 16, Issue 167

DRY GAY HUSBANDS

On my radio show in July with my monthly last weekend co-host, Dr. Brian Hooper, a new thought suddenly dawned on me. Some of you are married to gay men whom I will call "DRY GAY HUSBANDS."  This is a term that I have adopted from the AA group which defines a person who is not drinking but acting out in the same way as a "Dry Drunk."

According to an article on the Internet, "The term dry drunk is believed to originate from 12 Step recovery groups. It is used to describe those who no longer drink alcohol but in many ways behave like they were still in the midst of addiction. The dry drunk may be full of resentment and anger. Instead of finding joy in their life away from alcohol, they can act as if they were serving a prison sentence. The only change this person has made is to stop drinking, but in other respects their life remains the same. Friends and family can complain that the dry drunk is almost as hard to be around as they were when drinking. In Alcoholics Anonymous, they describe it as a person that hasn’t touched alcohol in years, but have not yet managed to get sober."

The article continues to say, "The individual has a low tolerance for stress. They easily get upset if things are not going their way. Such an individual can suffer from loneliness and lack of interest in activities to fill their time.

Denial can be as big a problem for the dry drunk as it can be for the practicing addict. The individual may refuse to see that their life in recovery needs to change. Due to this denial they may continue to live a miserable life in recovery indefinitely. Recovery is not as satisfying as they expected and they will feel cheated because of that.:

There are some similarities here to the men I now call "Dry Gay Husband." These are gay married men living with you who believe they are making the grand sacrifice for their families by staying with you. They aren't necessarily out there cheating, but they are fantasizing, watching gay porno, or masturbating--actually anything that isn't directly cheating on you. Oh yes--they still aren't having sex with you. Look, if he has to suffer and sacrifice his sexual happiness, why shouldn't you?

Some of you have told me that your dry gay husbands refuse to admit they are gay. Trust me--they are not doing this to "gaylight" you--they are doing it because they don't believe they are gay. Here is how their math goes:

Watching gay porno + fantasizing about sex with a man + rejecting wife = STRAIGHT!!!

How could they possibly be gay if they are not doing the deed? By why aren't they  doing it?

Just as the article says about alcoholics, the same remains to be true for gay men in "recovery." They are staying in their marriages out of a sense of shame. They don't want people to know they "could be" gay. Maybe if you weren't there holding the tightened leash around their necks, they'd be responding to the ads on Craig's List. Maybe they would want to stay anonymous and answer ads on Grindr, the gay phone app where you put down your location and everyone within minutes who wants to "hook up" with a stranger answers. Maybe he would be satisfying those normal gay urges for gay men if he had the time to deal with his sexuality--but he doesn't. You have him on the "short leash" making him feel he can't do it.

Two good lessons can be learned from this. Let's compare.

First, the dry drunk.

The dry drunk may be full of resentment and anger. Instead of finding joy in their life away from alcohol, they can act as if they were serving a prison sentence. The only change this person has made is to stop drinking, but in other respects their life remains the same.

Let's compare the dry gay husband:

The dry gay is full of resentment and anger. He doesn't feel joy in leading a straight family life, and he acts like he is living a prison sentence. I remember my ex often saying to me, "I feel trapped." I didn't understand the meaning of those words. "Trapped how?" I used to ask him. It made me feel as if he didn't want to be with me. I never forced him to do anything he didn't want--and in fact--did most of the things he wanted to do. But he still felt trapped. I didn't understand it back then because I didn't understand gay back then. Now I do. I really do understand. When a gay man is living a straight life, he does feel trapped because he is living a life that isn't his to live. He can't be honest about it out of "fear" (#1 greatest reason why they don't tell you), "shame"  (#2 reason why they won't tell you," or "love" (they love you too much to tell you). So instead, they will blame you for their unhappiness (after all, they are sacrificing their happiness for you), blame you for their failures (you are never supportive enough), blame you for the lack of passion in the bedroom (you are always thinking about sex--can't you give a guy a break?), and blame you for any other unhappiness they are experiencing that has NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU. They are gay men misplaced in a straight marriage. That's the only problem.

Oh, to sidetrack for just a moment--here is something I really hate. I hate when these dry gay husbands fall out of "recovery" and back into the gay world and meet someone. That's usually when I'll hear from the several hundred men who write to me or call me each year for help. They tell me how hard they tried for so long to be a good husband and a good dad. 

They tell me most of those gay attractions they may have previously had were gone. And then one day--out of nowhere, a man comes into their lives and all of those doubts disappear. They finally feel whole again. They now know what they've been missing. And--they can accept the fact that they are gay.

Then they ask me what's the best way to tell you--the wife. The only strategy I know how to work with is the truth. Not, "I'm thinking that there might be something different about me," or "I'm think about it sometimes, but then the feeling goes away. I tell them:  "NO!!! No false hope." I don't believe in dragging this out one day longer giving you a bigger chance to live in bigger denial by being a "better wife." No, not me. Almost all of the time I can get men to be honest--at least about being gay. But here is what I really hate. When a man says to me, 

"Why do I have to tell her?" and I say, "Because it's the right thing to do," and he comes out with, "OUR MARRIAGE WOULD HAVE ENDED IN DIVORCE ANYWAY.

"Why?" I ask.

SHE WAS MUCH TOO...PUSHY, DEMANDING, SUSPICIOUS, OVERBEARING, NON-SUPPORTIVE...SEXUAL...NON-SEXUAL..OVERWEIGHT...UNDERWEIGHT...

AND HE EXPECTS ME TO BELIEVE IT BECAUSE HE WANTS TO BELIEVE IT!!!!

In other words, if you would have looked or acted better, he wouldn't be gay. UGHHHHH.

That's when I have to slap some reality into them, but they don't want to hear me.

Anyway, getting back to the second point about the dry alcoholic:

Recovery is not as satisfying as they expected and they will feel cheated because of that.:

Translation for the dry gay husband who is still living with you:

Living the straight life is not as satisfying as they hoped and they feel cheated because of that.  Oh yes they do. Here is a typical statement from this kind of gay husband:

"I stayed with my wife for 22 years until the children were grown. I did the right thing by my family. Now it's time for me to do the right thing for me because I've been cheated out of the best years of my life. Look what i sacrificed."

The majority of these men may have stayed--but was it really the right thing? For those 22 years, how many times did his wife wonder where she was going wrong in the marriage? Why didn't her husband want to touch her anymore? Why did he always get so angry with her? Why couldn't she ever make him happy for any period of time? Why did he accuse her of all the problems she created in the marriage when she didn't mean things in the way he misinterpreted them? And now he's going to blame you because you were too suspicious...needy...possessive...jealous... Oh yes, jealous. How could you not be jealous knowing your husband would rather masturbate than touch you? I say PLEAZZZZZZZZE!!!! 

Yes, there are a lot of z's!!!

I know that breaking up is scary and very hard to do. Been there, done that. However, living with someone who is so emotionally out of touch with you and verbally or even sometimes physically abusive is no way to live either. Living without human touch or emotional connections bring you down--they never lift you up. Don't tell me that you buy into your husband's words of, "Well, most couples stop having sex eventually." But after two or three years of marriage when you are in your 30's? I don't think so--unless they are gay. And straight couples have years of sexual enjoyment to remember. You don't.

Some of you really feel stuck. If you need support or help in getting "unstuck," then write to me at Bonkaye@aol.com. You can't save a marriage to a gay man--even the ones where he isn't cheating in person. Face the fact he is not the man for you--and there will never be a right woman for him.

There is no "break-up to make-up" as the song goes. Even when he comes running back to you after a few months with new promises of good behavior and love after his first boyfriend breaks up with him, he is just running scared after someone broke his heart just like he broke yours. Don't be lulled into that blanket of false security because as fast as you wrap it around you is as fast as he will yank it from you--and he will. Break up--and don't make up. 

If you do, I promise you he will be a dry gay husband and only make you miserable and blame you for keeping him down. Been there and done that too!

STRAIGHT TALK NEWSLETTER - JULY 2015

BONNIE KAYE'S STRAIGHT TALK

July 2015     Volume 16, Issue 166

LETERS FROM A GAY MAN--POSSIBLY ABOUT YOUR HUSBAND

We know that a marriage to /divorce from a gay husband presents problems that are unique to us that traditional divorces don't face. One of my most unpleasant tasks is to tell women that they must get tested for sexually transmitted diseases. This isn't always easy.

Women who contact me in their early days of discovery seem to have a common theme. They write to say that they believe there could be a problem in their marriage.....they don't know quite how to say it....but possibly, their husbands are having curiosity about.....well...male sex. Of course--they reassure me--that maybe it is just their (the wife's) "imagination running away with them," to quote a song. So we go through the usual back and forth questions such as:

          Me: Why would you think that your husband might be gay?

          Woman: Sometimes I see some suspicious things going on at home.

          Me: Like what?

          Woman: Like gay porno popping up on the computer....strange calls in the middle of the night...my husband unaccountable at various times during the week....our shared passwords that are now private from me...his lack of interest in sex....etc., etc., etc.

You all know the story. You've been there....done that or are doing that....had those same conversations with me or read enough about them in my newsletters.

I often wonder how we of such little faith in our husbands' sexuality can have such powerful faith that these behaviors are nothing more than random thoughts or temporary moments of mid-life insanity even when we know they are going on.

How many women have told me with great conviction and insistence that their husbands would NEVER act on it--NEVER. Or at least they haven't acted on it yet.

And guess what? It's not wishful thinking. They truly believe this. Impossible. Can't be. How many women have told me that they know there is no chance that this has ever happened because they are tied to their husbands 24 hours a day and know every move their husbands are making?

Boy, do they get mad at me when I break the news to them that it only takes 30 seconds in a men's room while they are at dinner for this to happen. Of course I try to break it gently to them by asking my 24 hour guards if they go to the bathroom with their husbands first before I break the news to them.

After 14 years of these newsletters and lots of books with YOUR stories of how this is really the truth, I still have the sad job at least once or twice a day of having this same discussion with new women. And please don't misunderstand what I am about to say--I KNOW HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO FACE THIS TRUTH. No matter how many years ago my marriage ended, the memories will always remain. And in my case, they may be remaining longer than usual because of listening to new stories every day.

As soon as I can get a woman to concede that this is the problem plaguing her marriage, the next thing I do is tell her to get TESTED for STD's. They respond with:

          Woman:  Why would I do that? My husband isn't cheating on me.

          Me:  Well, just in case....maybe in the past (trying to be gentle)

          Woman:  No way. Besides, we only have sex a few times a year.

          Me: Is it protected sex?

          Woman: No--I wouldn't want him to think I DON'T TRUST HIM.

Yes, I do feel like screaming when a woman tells me this even after I reveal the startling statistics just based on your responses of the diseases nearly 20% of my support network are left with as a long-term reminder of the marriage.

This is my major motivating reason of why I want to share these letters with you. I felt if you heard this from a gay man who experienced first-hand what I am telling you, maybe you'll learn to accept it sooner than later or never and do the right thing for YOU. 

Back in April, I received an email from a man whom I will not identify to keep his privacy. Here is what it said:

I was sitting in my office on a somewhat quiet (rare in my office) afternoon and was poking around Google. I am not sure what I put in as a search but I found your site. I have been reading it for the last hour and was wondering if there was any way that I could contribute to helping the people that are involved with these married men that live a seemingly straight life.

Now I will tell you about me.....

I am a gay man, have been gay my whole life and am comfortable with myself and the fact that everyone in my life and family have always known. I grew up in New England and for whatever reason, was never made to feel ashamed of my sexuality so I feel like I must have grown up almost as normal as they come. Now, please understand that I have my own set of issues but that is not the reason I am sending you this e-mail. I am sending it because I want to know if there is a way that I can assist you or your organization.

You see, for whatever reason, I seem to be a "divining rod" for gay men trapped in a married body or whatever you want to call it. I cannot tell you how many times I have been in my local grocery store and a guy has followed me around or out to the car. It happens all the time. Many times I have invited these men to my home for sex. Some of them have become regulars. They are all married.

I live in a medium sized town in (withholding city name) and it is fairly progressive and pretty open but there is still a bit of the "good old boy" network that prevails.

The men that come to me are in all cases VERY handsome and well groomed. Most workout regularly and two of them are very muscular with perfect bodies. They are all completely on the down low and require complete discretion. I enjoy the time I spend with them and they enjoy what they get during their visit.

I have often thought about creating a website to expose these guys but, like I said, small town here and I am not the type that makes waves. I feel like I have a story to tell but do not know where to begin. While I find these guys nice and easy to talk to, they are also very selfish and arrogant and seem to be able to compartmentalize their behavior to justify their actions. Only one guy, gets so guilty after sex he actually starts crying. Another man, cannot speak to me after he is finished and simply puts his clothes back on and leaves without one word.

I tell all the single women that I know that they need to be careful because I cannot believe that there are so many guys who like to play both side of the fence.

Like I said, I have a story to tell and I wish there was a way that their unsuspecting wives could be told. Your website is incredible and the passion you have about this subject is wonderful. I love what you say about the penis being the line in the sand. I applaud you!

I wrote back to this man and asked him to send me more information. I responded:

On one hand, you're asking how you can help. On the other hand, you're telling me that you are sleeping with married men. I guess it is somewhat of a interesting concept. So since you were so thoughtful in asking how you could help, I'll tell you how I think you can best do this.

Maybe you could write something for me to share with the women who come to me who aren't sure about their husbands because after all--they are married to them and don't want to believe the worst.  Maybe as "the other man" who is sleeping with their husbands, hearing from you would be helpful and powerful.

He responded:

Based on what I have seen in my area, most of the married guys use Craig's List to set up their meetings. I have seen a recent shift to GRINDR but most of the guys there are still gay and honestly, seems like only want to play games and talk.

I have a new regular buddy that I have had over a couple times. He is 35, married, has a couple kids and lives pretty close to me. He really wants me to f..k him bareback (without condoms), which is something I will not do. But this got me thinking about the whole bareback/safe sex thing.

If I was to do a survey of the married guys that I have met, I would say that MOST of them would prefer that I have sex with them without a condom. It always comes up and I am not sure why they would entertain such risk. Could it be a self-loathing? I have never been able to figure it out. There does not seem to be anything tied to education (or lack of), since most of the guys are highly educated and seem to have high end lives and careers. It baffles me that someone would risk bringing something home.

I know that I have had guys that stopped seeing me after I was absolute about the practice of safe sex. I am just curious, have any of the women in your group reported being infected with something as a result of the husband's behavior? It is something that amazes me and it leaves me wondering what is going on in the guy's head that would make him want to do something so foolish.

Some might think it twisted but I these men are for the most part very nice. However there is an underlying selfishness about them. They are getting what they want so they are fine and it amazes me how easily they can compartmentalize this behavior.

I shared this correspondence with you because it is dangerous to you, the straight wife, to live in your husband's denial. Although you want to feel that giant sense of relief when he tells you how he would never cheat on you because he loves you, it takes you down a dark road--especially if you had or continue to have unprotected sex with him.

Too many of our women were left with the life-time stigma of an STD or more than one ranging from HIV/AIDS, herpes, gonorrhea, syphilis, or the HPV virus. Some women will be on medication for the rest of their lives due to the carelessness of their gay husbands. Every time a woman writes to me to tell me this is her story, it makes me so sad thinking about the daily reminder she will have for the rest of her life.

Sadly, some of these men look their wives straight in the face and ask them whom they've been cheating with--blaming their innocent wives. Men who do that are shameful and lack a conscience--but some of your husbands are like that. Blame--you get it!

If you suspect that your husband has attractions to men, grab the red flag hanging over your eyes and PUSH IT AWAY. Look at the situation and get yourself TESTED. It's a simple test that is very common place today. No shame--no embarrassment.  Put your mind at ease. 

And if there are results you were fearful of--the sooner the better to get the help you need for a healthier life.

STRAIGHT WIVES NEWSLETTER - JUNE 2015

BONNIE KAYE'S STRAIGHT TALK

June 2015     Volume 16, Issue 165

HEROES

Many of you have asked me my opinion about Bruce/Caitlyn Jenner's transition into transgender. The last few months have consumed many of our waking moments with him becoming her including sexy feminine pictures featured--well--everywhere you look.

People praised Bruce/Caitlyn for the bravery of publicly transitioning in front of the world after having his fair share of relationships and marriages to straight women which produced a number of children and families.

Across the board, I heard the word "HERO" when referring to this news that shocked many of us. After all, Bruce Jenner had been our macho athletic hero for so many years. He had been highly visible as a devoted father since his marriage into the "K" family (no, not my "K"). He was never out of the public eye for the past four decades. And now a champion among men is being hailed as a "hero" because he took such a brave step in stepping up the transitioning at this age of his life. He said he waited until now in order to spare more pain to his children. I think that's why he waited or said he waited.

Anyway, I looked up the definition of hero. Here is what I found:

Hero: a man of distinguished courage or ability, admired for his brave deeds and noble qualities.

Allow me to set my personal opinion " straight."  A few months ago, Joel Grey was being hailed as a hero when at 73, he came out to the public. People thought he was so brave for him to be true to himself after spending his "happiest years" (according to him) being married to a woman. I wrote in my February newsletter that the real hero wasn't Joel Grey, but rather his wife who spent those years in a marriage based on dishonesty.

So now I will make a comment that will no doubt have some hecklers, but it is how I feel after spending a great amount of time processing these situations.

I work with 100 - 200 gay men each year who ask for help in coming out to their wives. In most cases, it's because they have met a man and want to leave their marriage. However, there is a handful of men who wrote to me for guidance because they haven't acted on it yet, but they can't keep living in the hell they have created for themselves being married to a woman knowing they aren't "straight."

Honestly, I do understand the pain that these men face.  And yes, I do have compassion for their struggle. They really are caught between the compartment walls of compartmentalization. They live with guilt, frustration, sorrow, anger, depression and all other kinds of emotional turmoil. And it's all true. My heart goes out to anyone who is so deeply suffering. I will commend them and praise them when they have the courage to do the right thing even if the motivation is skewed, but I will never call them "heroes."

Why not?

Since I started my support network in 1983, I have had thousands of gay married men try to explain to me why they felt pressured to get married. I do understand how family, religion, and society in general pressured gay men for so many years to make this choice at the cost of being vilified, punished, condemned, and in many cases, ex-communicated from their families and community. To some it seemed like the "best way" out. I won't say the "easiest way," because living a lie on a daily basis pretending you are something you are not is never easy.

Both husband and wife went into their marriage with great hopes for the future. We--the wives--hoped that we had found our soulmate to spend our lives with--someone to build a family and grow old with. They--the husbands--hoped that loving us enough would magically turn them "straight." After all, if they could love a woman and MAKE LOVE to a woman--even if it was fleeting or irregular--that would count. Then they could convince themselves that they were not gay. After all, someone who is "really" gay would never want to be with a woman. Right?

We know these stories don't end happily ever after. How can they? How can any man be happy living a life he wasn't destined for, and how can any woman be happy living with a man who isn't happy because he feels like a prisoner and looks at her as the prison warden? We all know in time those feelings of love turn to feelings or resentment on his part, and you--the loving wife--become his enemy.

Okay, you already know my feelings on this subject after reading them for over 14 years. But here is the real issue. Why don't I believe these men are heroes?

Because they aren't heroes. They are men who made a mistake. Fixing a mistake doesn't make you a hero. It does make you brave to fix it--but not a hero.

I know many of our women may not agree with me that this takes courage, but think about it. How many of you are stuck in horrible marriages with husbands who will continue living with you forever and never tell you the reason why you are so unhappy in your marriage? 

How many will deny the truth even when you confront them with proof? Those selfish men who stay because their convenience is far more importance than your happiness will drain you emotionally every day of your life. You will never find the happiness you deserve or hoped for because they won't allow you. After all, if they can live a lie and be miserable with you, you can be miserable too.  Far too many of you give your lives away to selfish gay men who won't let go.

Giving you that missing jigsaw puzzle part to complete the picture of why your marriage is failing  is a gift. It's not the "gift" you wanted, but at least it's the gift that will explain the problems in your marriage weren't you--they were your husband's problems all wrapped up into a box called "gay." When you are married to a gay man, it doesn't take two to screw up the marriage. Both of you can't be held responsible for living in a marriage that wasn't meant to be. As a gay man, he needs to take that responsibility.

But there are real heroes in this story. According to the gay stats I have read throughout the years, it is estimated that approximately 10 - 20% of gay men marry straight women. Even if it is 20%, that means 80% do NOT marry women. Does this mean that the 80% are not under the same pressures that the 20% are under? I think not. I think across the board no matter where you grew up, gay was a "doom sentence."  Not a death sentence--but a "doom sentence" meaning that those closing doors in family, church/synagogue/mosque, employment, and community were quick to slam shut if the truth was known. Often gay people were singled out to be "gay bashed" physically and mentally and discriminated against by ignorant people.

I grew up in the 1960's, and I lived in California in 1968 - 1969. In the years of the "sexual revolution" of the 1960's, gay was common and accepted. Gay couples would stroll the streets of Santa Monica arm-in-arm and no one yelled "deviants" or threw rocks at them. It was a sign of the time--the age of Aquarius.  Gay was looking up and when I returned here to the East Coast, it was kind of more accepted as well. What changed the progress of gay acceptance was the horrific disease of AIDS that sent its shadow of death around the country and the world.

The AIDS panic was real. It wasn't a perception. Medical personnel did not even want to treat the patients. I lost two good friends to this death sentence, and their lives back then were so painful and isolating. AIDS became known as the "gay disease," and all gays were viewed as potential "killers" of mankind. I remember that horror in 1986 when a mother at my son's nursery school found out his father was gay. She petitioned the school to expel him or she would take her child out of the school immediately. The school stood by me. But several parents did pull their kids out of school. Neither my son nor my ex-husband had AIDS, but the scare was enough to create terrible chaos and  for me.

I know that many men during that era--yes, some of the men you are/were married to--worked so much harder to be straight even if they had those nagging male attractions. They truly were "scared straight" in their own minds. And understandably. No one likes to be persecuted for being different during a witch hunt like AIDS produced in the 1980's and 1990's. And even more so, many of these men didn't want to die a horrible death for having sex with a man. The religious leadership in the country was quick to show these "lost sheep" a way to a happy life by promising them health and happiness (maybe not in that order) if they would see the errors of their ways of thinking gay. With thousands of people dying because they were "gay," marrying straight sounded like the logical answer. I even remember seeing religious freaks claiming that AIDS was the way that God was punishing gay people. Yes, life was very painful for many people back then. I am just laying out the background of the climate back then that I vividly recall.

That being said--don't you think that every gay man faced the same ignorance and threats? Don't you think that many of them had to take a step back into the closet rather than being labeled as a killer? Every gay man was a target for hatred back then by someone, but 80% of them still chose not to get married. Many of them could have. played the straight game--but they chose not to. They may not have shouted out that they were "proud and gay" like in the 60's and 70's, and may have kept their sexuality quiet--but they didn't get married.

Let me be very clear. I am not wagging fingers or calling names. None of us know what we would do if we were faced with such horrific choices in life. How many of us would stand up and fight for ourselves if we knew what the consequences would be? So trust me, I'm not trying to shame or embarrass any gay husband/ex-husband here for making the choice he did. But at the same time, the point I'm making is simply this. If I had to give an award to someone who is gay for being a hero, it would be the 80% of gay men who never got married to a woman. It would be the man who had the strength to fight the pressure by not allowing himself to take a road that would entwine some hopeful, loving woman with him for the ride through hell.

There is a small percentage of gay men who married knowing full well they had no intention of changing but wanted a "cover" or as they call it, a "beard." These were men who were in roles like the clergy, servicemen, doctors, and company executives who needed that "family" image to find success in their careers. They were not loving their wives; they were using their wives.

But I know that the overwhelming majority of gay men loved their wives to the best of their ability when they got married believing their kind of love would be "good enough." When a gay man tells me that he "loves his wife," he truly believes that because he does love her--but his love is like that for a sister or a cousin. He doesn't realize that the love of a gay man is not the love of a straight man no matter how he tries to believe that it is. It's empty and hollow no matter how much of an effort he makes, how many gifts he buys, or how many times he says, "I love you." Something is always missing. It's not his fault--he is gay. Gay men are not straight no matter how much they think they are doing a good imitation. We know something is wrong. Maybe not in the beginning, but soon enough.

Getting back to my point, yes--there are gay heroes. They are not Joel Grey or Trans Bruce Jenner. They are the millions of unsung heroes who realized that even if gay or transgender wasn't okay by society's standards, they weren't going to marry a woman that they couldn't love in the "straight" way--which is the right way. No one is giving them an award or calling them heroes, so allow me to do it.

To all of the gay men who never went into a relationship or married a woman, let me applaud you for being a hero which means you had the courage to say NO when the tide turned against you. This was truly the noble quality that make a hero.

As I tell the gay men who approach me with doubts prior to getting married, if you have one doubt about your sexuality--don't even think about marriage. Spend that time learning about self-acceptance. I tell them you don't choose gay--it chooses you. Trust me when I tell you that if gay men had a choice, they would choose to be straight, not gay. I tell them to learn to accept it and love themselves for who they are which is easier than pretending that they are someone that they are not or will never be.

On this June Straight Talk edition, I like to give thanks and credit to the gay men who are part of my support network, I thank you for having the courage to do the right thing after you made the mistake of getting married under the best of intentions. Thank you for helping other gay men come to understand that they need to do the right thing as you did. A special thank you to Doug Dittmer who did most of the writing of our book, "Over the Cliff: Gay Husbands in Straight Marriages." Doug is wonderful at peer counseling with men who need to make the right decisions as well as our women who go to him for support. Another special thanks to my friend Chuck who challenges me in some of my thoughts, but appreciates our common bonds more than our few differences. Chuck is also there to help others.

I would also like to thank my in-house doctor, Dr. Brian Hooper, who co-hosts my radio show the last Monday of each month. Dr. Hooper, a gay therapist who works with men going through the process of coming out and divorce, helps all of us untangle it all of the time! Hopefully, through all of our efforts, the future will seem clearer and better for many.

Hopefully in the future, the times they will be a-changing!

BONNIE KAYE'S STRAIGHT TALK

 May 2015     Volume 16, Issue 164

A LOVING NOTE TO ALL OF MY STRUGGING MOTHERS FOR MOTHER'S DAY

This is Mother's Day month, and although the holiday has passed, I look at the whole month as ours. For many of you, this was a difficult joyous day.  Difficult because you were thrust into the role of being a single mother--joyous because your children are the most important people in your life. Hopefully you spent a pleasant day without the worries of the daily struggles of single motherhood.

Children are the blessings from our shattered marriages. Almost every woman tells me that if it weren't for her gay husband, she wouldn't have her beautiful children. And that is definitely true. I tell women if they would have had a straight husband, perhaps they would have different children, but hopefully some of them would have had a stable family unit instead of living with the stresses and messes that we as straight mothers have to live with.

I know. That's sour grapes. Sometimes I feel a little jaded. Maybe jealous. Most of my readers know that I lost my two precious children, Jennifer and Jason, when they were 22 and 23. I can't get them back, and I have always regretted not spending enough time with them because I was busy working two or three jobs to keep us floating along. My daughter's life was snuffed out through her heroin addiction; my son died of a rare genetic disease of his immune system that only 800 or so people in this country have. A one in a half-million chance at conception. They both had so many obstacles they tried to overcome, but in the end, they both lost the battle.

I remember the days when I was exhausted. I split from their father when they were two-and-a-half (Jen) and 3 months (Jason). He was angry because I went through his wallet and found evidence of his continuing relationship with a guy. Yes, I played the role of detective on an hourly schedule back in those days. When I found the proof and confronted him, he was so angry at me for going through his "private property." He thought he would teach me a lesson, so he left. He threw $50.00 on the table and walked out.

I was so scared. I was emotionally beaten down from my marriage that I never knew I could be a good mother to my two babies. Balancing that act on practically no financial resources proved to me that I could be resilient. I could make it on my own. Even though I was told over and over by my ex that I would never make it by myself--and I really did believe it through the emotional battering of daily reminders--I gained back a lot of my strength within that first week that I was alone. I actually believed he left for real--not just to teach me a lesson. When my ex returned with a suitcase in hand a week later, I told him he's not coming back. I told him he left--and now he's staying out. He asked me if I was willing to destroy a family. I had the courage to tell him it was already destroyed--by him.

I was determined to have a happy and peaceful life for me and the children. We were poor--we were on welfare for the first three years. I would sneak to college because I only had a GED. I was determined to give the children what they needed to be happy. I lived in a total state of exhaustion between college, working under the table to put food on the table, starting my support group for straight wives, and running to specialists and hospitals until they could diagnose my failing son.

I am telling you my story because I want you to know that as mothers, you can't give up no matter how exhausted and disgusted you feel. Give yourself a "pity party" whenever you need one for the night, but then try to put it aside and come up with a new game plan for the following day. It will never be easy. In most cases, you will have the bulk of the daily responsibilities with your children. Your ex will be the good-time dad for a weekend every now and then, but the real work will mostly fall on you. In most cases, he'll be enjoying his new found freedom to live his new life--and that will be the priority. Once that gets out of his system, sometimes he will come back ready to be a dad again. Usually by that time, you have it all under control. Love to all of our wonderful women and mothers during this special month of May.

MY THOUGHT FOR TODAY - GIVE UP AND WIN!!! 

Many of the women who come to me are so stuck in their lives with their gay husbands. Sometimes they have some proof, but because they haven't walked in on him having a sexual encounter with another man, it's not enough proof. Gay porno? Pop-ups. Craig's List Men for Men? Curiosity. Gay hotlines? Bored. Gay chatrooms? All men have some things in common, and he doesn't have many friends. Caught soliciting in the park and arrested? Mistaken identity. Condoms and sex toys in a hidden black bag? Fantasies.

I admit, sometimes I feel like taking a rubber mallet and using it  to knock some sense into the women who won't believe that the red flags are not waving in their faces but totally blinding their vision and common sense.

Some women are not fighters--they are warriors in the battle of saving or rather "fixing" their gay husbands. Silly women. They just don't get that this broken is not fixable. But it is "fool-able" meaning it is easy to get fooled. They think gay is just about sex. And somehow they equate sex with love. They've been playing Tina Turner's song "What's Love Gotta Do , Gotta Do With It" too many times. These women claim that their husbands would never have a love affair with a man. They save their love for them. (??? Not sure what THAT means.) They think that if they work hard enough at being better wives by being understanding, loving, and somewhat accepting of the indiscretions, which could have been as minimal as self-masturbation in front of another man doing it, then magically those gay feelings and desires will disappear when their husbands realize how important the marriage is. Anyway, masturbating with another guy isn't exactly gay. All men masturbate, don't they? 

Does it matter that another guy was in the room? At least that's what they tell me. Ugh.

Why do some of our women have to keep trying so hard? Why not accept what is and then decide if this is how you want to spend your days--making excuses and living in the same denial your gay husband is living in.

This brings me to my new motto: GIVE UP AND WIN!! You know how some people feel if they quit they are losers? It doesn't always work that way. People cheer for you if you quit smoking. They cheer for you if you quit wasting money and start saving it. They cheer for you when you give up sugar and wheat for a healthier life style. Trust me when I tell you they will cheer for you when you give up your gay husband. And even if they don't, I'll cheer for you--and our women will cheer for you. And most of all--you'll cheer for yourself. Giving up something that is toxic for you is not bad--it's good. You don't lose--you win. You win back your life. You win back your sanity. Most of all, you win back your future. Remember--every day you spend with your gay husband is a day you lose and can never get back. The days turn into months; the months turn into years. Before you know it, you'll be wondering why you didn't do this sooner than later. When you give up chasing this abnormal situation, you'll know you're the winner. Good luck! I'll be there rooting for you! Go, girl, go!

The article below is from three years ago, but it was so powerful, that I decided to repeat it again this month. I hope you will pay close attention to the message.

WHAT IS “LOVE”?

I have some wonderful gay husbands who come to me for help in coming out to their wives. They are caught in a terrible situation because they love their wives—but as time goes on, their homosexuality becomes more defined, and they don’t feel they can stay there much longer without going crazy. I do understand their pain. I really do. I can’t imagine being trapped in a marriage where you thought you wanted to be only to find out it isn’t where you now are in your life, and now your path to the door is cluttered with a wife and children that you keep tripping over. I also can’t imagine how exhausting it must be to live a lie day in and day out either hoping you can remember the lies from one day to the next. Well, actually I can imagine the trapped part of the marriage because our women end up being trapped in our husbands’ webs of deception only to find out that the marriage is doomed. Remember—a gay man can’t be a straight husband, girls.

Most of the time when men come to me for help, they fit into one of these categories:

1. They have met someone and want to get out of their marriage to be with a man.

Yep, I know—it’s selfish—especially when they have been out there cheating with guys for a period of time. But I always say better late than never—at least they are ready to tell their wives the truth.

2. They know that those attractions to men are getting stronger, and they are spending too much time fantasizing about men, going on meet-up sites like Craig’s List or Manhunt, or viewing gay porn and hoping to meet someone in the future. They haven’t acted on their needs in person yet—but they want to. They live from fantasy to fantasy.

3. They haven’t even thought about meeting someone yet, but they know it’s getting more and more difficult to come up with excuses on why they can’t have sexual relations with their wife as a straight husband would. They really love their wives and have a wonderful marriage in every other way. Their wives “seem” happy, so is sex such a big deal anyway? They have no intention of leaving or having a “gay relationships” with a man other than a casual sexual encounter, so why ruin a good thing. After all, they LOVE their wives and families—and they are NOT gay. Right?

I have several men who have been writing to me for a couple of years. They truly love their wives and cannot bear the thought of “hurting” them over this. If they tell their wives the truth, they will never be able to handle it. Or they may very well hate their husbands for revealing this secret and ask them to leave. How would they ever survive without their family? They mean more to them than anything in the world. And anyway, in every other way they are excellent providers, companions, and fathers. Why destroy their happiness?

Right?

Wrong.

I am sorry, but I am just not buying into this anymore. My patience is really diminishing and I’m taking a harsher “tough love” stance. Maybe it’s because I’m getting older and don’t have as much time in front of me as I had in back of me to be patient.

Here’s what I am thinking. A gay man states he loves you and could never destroy your happiness. Although in theory that sounds nice, I don’t understand it. Does a gay man honestly believe that sexual rejection doesn’t count in a marriage? Does he think that sleeping in the same bed without any kind of intimacy that comes from making love means that you, his loving wife, are happy? Does he think that because he’s happy not having sexual relations with you that you are happy not having them with him? Does he realize that not day goes by without your wondering what is wrong with YOU because he doesn’t want to touch you in a loving way or make love to you?

 Yes, some of these men are REALLY NICE MEN. They are not like some of the others who are sitting home and berating their wives out of frustration or feeling like they are “prisoners” of a war—namely the “straight” war of daily internal struggle where gay men think that their marriage is like in a POW camp and wanting to escape from you, their captor guard.  These are good guys who THINK they are doing the right thing. But guess what? They aren’t—and here’s why.

Every woman who is married to a gay man KNOWS that something is wrong in her marriage. Every day she feels like SHE is the failure because her husband can’t stand the thought of touching her and looks to make dozens of excuses until she stops asking. Every day she doubts herself and her ability to be a worthy woman because you can’t make her feel like one. “I love you” sounds nice, but we all heard that growing up from our fathers and brothers. We didn’t want to marry a father or a brother. We wanted to marry a man who could be a husband in the true sense of the word HUSBAND. This equates into LOVER. 

That equates into MAKING LOVE WITH PASSION AND FOREPLAY. Guys, do you realize that your wives are pretending as much as you are? They are. You are pretending to be a straight husband, and they are pretending to be a happy straight wife because they love you so much and hold themselves responsible for your being unhappy when it comes to the bedroom. Trust me--they are ripped apart inside from your “LOVE.”

I learned long ago that the word “Love” can be as bad as any of those other horrible four- letter words that are vulgar. I don’t want someone to love and cherish me by making me feel ugly and unworthy of sexual love. Every day you think you are protecting your wives in the name of “love,” you are really killing a piece of them instead. 

This is a letter I wrote last week to one of these nice men after several years of his writing to me about feeling so torn in his marriage because he loves his wife so much:

After much dwelling on your words of how much you love your wife, I realize that you couldn't possibly love her that much if you aren't telling her the truth. Every woman who is married to a gay man knows there is something wrong in her marriage. Every day she feels like a failure because her husband doesn't want her, and in fact, feels repelled about making love to her. How do you feel justified in making her feel like a failure if you really love her? Is it because you really love her or you are afraid more for yourself? When you married her, you promised to love and cherish her. Is living with your secret a way of doing this? I don't think so.

You've told me that you are afraid of how she'll handle it when she finds out. Guess what? At this point, does it matter? If she screams, yells, hits you, threatens you, does it really matter? Or does it count more that you are going to finally explain to her why all these years of lack of intimacy and sex can AT LAST make sense and she can stop blaming herself?

Please….just do it. And do it fast. Make time to talk to her alone. Tell her you've gone for help and therapy to see how you can change these feelings and you now know you can't. 

You love her--but you are gay. She is not to blame. She did not fail as a wife. You failed as a straight man because you are a gay man no matter how much you didn't want to be one.

Please do the right thing. Every day, a piece of your wife dies because you are forcing her to live your lie by not telling her why your marriage is failing. If you love her, prove it--to yourself--and to her.