BONNIE KAYE'S STRAIGHT TALK

                              MAY 2021     Volume 21, Issue 09

Bonnie’s Mantra:

                       LIFE WAS NEVER MEANT TO BE THIS COMPLICATED. PERIOD.

 

UPCOMING HEALING WEEKEND!!

Well, sisters, this is my last hurrah. We’ve all been through so much with over a year of isolation due to the pandemic. Now life is easing back to a semi-normal state and I want to do one last healing weekend. Last? Yes. Now that I have kidney disease, I’m not sure how my health will be in the future, so I want to do it now while I can still be of good mind and body. Women who have attended these weekends will attest to the feeling of sisterly love that comes out of them as well as the validation we are always looking for.

The weekend will be the weekend of October 23^rd in Philadelphia, my home town. Philadelphia is a city loaded with history and museums, so you may want to add a day or two for a mini-vacation. 

If you are interested, please let me know immediately, and I will send you details as I progress in getting this together. Please email me at Bonkaye@aol.com and write “Healing Weekend” in the subject.

HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY TO ALL OF OUR MOTHERS

This is the time of the year that all mothers are to be remembered, but I’d like to give extra kudos to straight mothers who were either left as single mothers to struggle on their own or to those who continued to stay in a lack-luster marriages and also struggled daily because they thought it was best for their children.

I have to be honest. Having a gay husband certainly did affect my mothering skills. My gay ex was a trip. He was an overt narcissist who tried to control everything in our lives. Why? Because he had no control over his own life and feared his gay secret would come out. He was the boss—he was in control. Of course, like all overt narcissists, he did it with a combination of loving/mincing words.

          Loving: You know that no one will ever love you as much as I do.

          Mincing: You know that no one else will ever love you.

Yes, that “lift me up to slap me down” strategy was very effective.

If anything went wrong with our children, he made sure to left me know it was MY fault and MY lack of mothering skills. The fact that he demanded so much more attention from me than my children needed was not even a consideration for him.

I was very fortunate to have the marriage end when my children were still babies. In case you forgot or didn’t know my story, my ex-husband raged at me when I found a love letter to him from a young guy sticking out of his wallet. You see, in the days before technology and the computer, we had to do all kinds of detective work manually. This one wasn’t too difficult because his wallet was on the table and the letter was sticking out. It was an easy catch for me.

When I confronted him with the letter—after he swore to me that he was rid of this young man months earlier—instead of feeling remorse, he felt angered yelling, “How dare you go through my personal property. That was MY wallet. It was a private letter.” Of course, this was one time I didn’t cower down because I was so infuriated. He would normally “shout me down to shut me up,” but not this time.

His response? Pack up his things and leave. Take the car. Leave me $50.00 on the table. The telephone was disconnected because he built up a huge bill and didn’t pay it. I had a sickly 3-month old and a 2.5 year old baby. He yelled, “I’m going to my mother’s house in New York to live.”

Even though this was so many years ago, I can still remember my emotional feeling of shock thinking, “What am I going to do now?” At that time, I had no education other than my high school equivalency diploma, I had no marketable skills, two little babies—including a chronically ill infant--and a battered brain from my marriage. My ex had told me on a daily basis that I would never be able to make it without him, and you all know the drill—constant brainwashing of a brain that was already battered daily.

And yet, as scared as I was on that day, there was a wonderful feeling knowing that I had two babies to take care of and not three. My ex was more time demanding than my children, so I was able to see a silver lining. By day three and four of the split, I began to take back my life and who I was before this marriage. It gave me the strength I needed  when he came knocking at my door on day seven with his suitcase in hand—thinking he taught me a lesson—and I was able to say, “The marriage is over.” Of course, he said, “You are willing to break up a marriage with two children?” I said, “You had no problem doing it—and neither do I.”

Unfortunately, even when you are OUT of a relationship with a controlling narcissist, you are not out of it because you have children to share. And so for the next 20 plus years, he was there to constantly remind me about my lack of mothering skills and always trying to buy the love of the children. I say buy—meaning gifts to impress them—and his friends and fans. He never mentioned that he refused to give me child support ever. He did get them big ticket items on birthdays and Chanukah such as furniture, trips with him, and even cars. Yep, he was the great Disneyland Dad. Sadly, he treated the kids the same way he treated me, so all the gifts in the world didn’t win their love. But he just didn’t get it.

If there were problems with the kids not “loving him” enough, he would claim it was because I must be “poisoning their minds.” I think not. Actually, I was overly generous to him when it came to the children and learned how to bite my tongue every time he disappointed them—which was most of the time. I made excuses for him. I assured them work had kept him away when it was gay clubs and gay cruises he was on. I didn’t do it for him—I did it for THEM. I learned that children are made up of two parents, and when one of those parents rejects them, they feel as if it is their own personal problem that their parent doesn’t love something about them. Also, when YOU knock the parent in front of them, they also take it personally because they know half of them is made from that parent. It’s a lose-lose, so I kept my anger to myself or shared with other adults.

Would I have been a better mother without my gay ex? Absolutely. Most of my time was spent trying to keep the peace, dodge his bullets, and protect the children. Women always tell me the best thing that came out of their marriage was their children. And yet, think how much different their lives—and our lives—would have been if we had been married to a true partner who loved us for the wonderful women we are instead of finding ways to trip us up to avoid us so God forbid we may want to have marital sex. Because the bottom line is the bottom line—for a gay husband. He will do whatever it takes to make sure that we have no desire to share that marital blessing called love making with someone that makes him want to gag. Maybe not in the beginning—although for some of us from the beginning—but eventually this will be his truth.

As most of you know, I lost both of my children when they were in their early 20’s. I always think about how much more time I could have spent with them if I had done the right thing—namely go after my ex-husband for child support so I wouldn’t have to work three jobs to survive. I encourage all of our women to do better than I did when it comes to fighting for what is right for you and your children in court as far as support. Finding strength to fight narcissists and sociopaths is so emotionally consuming, and I only regret that I didn’t have the enough strength to do it.

To all of the wonderful mothers that are part of this network, Happy Mother’s Day to all of you. Never beat yourself up for trying to do the right thing. Just realize that in most cases you can never win because the odds are always stacked against you when your husband is gay!

KISS – MY NEW EXPRESSION

We are living in confusing times. I will be the first to say that I don’t like it. There is no more “objective” reporting in our lives. Everything is tainted with personal opinions on every issue. I have watched over the past few years as people have become hateful to each other because of different opinions over politics. There was a time when people could have different opinions without it affecting their friendships or families. Not anymore. Now you have to watch what you say for fear of being branded by some unpleasant name. Once again, I don’t like it.

In a world filled with “political correctness,” somehow straight wives are more behind the eight ball than ever, meaning we are now the ones being more minimized than ever. In the old days, when 2 + 2 = 4 under all circumstances, we had a fighting chance to be heard even if we weren’t willing to speak out. Now that the world has turned upside down, we have virtually no chance because no one cares about us or what our struggles are. Gay is the show now, and every variety of the alphabet soup is in on this. What I mean is this: When I was growing up in the 1950’s and 1960’s, I never even heard the word “gay” until I was 14 or 15 years old. Then people would whisper about one of our classmates who was “different” because they thought he liked boys instead of girls. In fact, “gay” wasn’t even part of the vocabulary. It was “sissy.” Yes, those were the days of ignorance because what did we know? People stayed away from this young man based on the fact they viewed him as “abnormal.” I tried to friend him because I, too, was an underdog in my own right looking for others to bond with. He wasn’t interested, however.

By the time I was 17, I moved to California in 1968, and I learned quickly what gay was. Gay was abundant and out in California back then. My first gay-guy crush was a man named Glenn who was charming and charismatic. I really fell for him knowing absolutely nothing about “gay,” I believed if I loved him enough he could change. Silly me. He made an attempt to love me and to make love to me on several occasions, but it never worked. Why? Because he was gay. I learned he was not an option. Yes, life was pretty black and white back then for me!

I met many openly gay men and women in California who only had an interest in friendship—never romance because they were gay! And that was fine with me. I didn’t try to “convert” them to the straight side. I believed in my heart—even back then—no one would “choose” this life if he or she could “choose” to be straight.

Now life has become far more complicated. It went from LGB to LGBT to LGBTAI and now a bunch more letters that I I am just ignoring. I really don’t care what new labels people are coming up with—as we used to say, “Whatever floats your boat” is fine with me. Who am I to argue about your sexual identification? I can hardly argue about something that I don’t understand. Gay, yes. Lesbian, yes. Even bisexual—I understand it, but I don’t really believe it. Anything else-No. I don’t understand. Maybe I was born too early to understand it.

And I don’t argue about it. I accept it—even if I don’t get it. I look at people for who they are—not for their sexual identification.

So now that I’ve got that out of the way, here is my point. More and more articles are being published trying to “confuse” us into thinking that people who are what I call “UNstraight” are really straight.  Yes, UNstraight is what I call anyone who is part of the alphabet coalition. I coined that terminology so that we wouldn’t have to think too much about all of those different letters and rungs on the Kinsey scale. This is part of my new thinking of KISS, which now stands for:

 KEEP IT STRAIGHT, SISTER

I am really tired of people minimizing our pain even further by thinking that men who have sexual encounters with other men are NOT gay. In a recent article shared by a support group member, the author did the study of 100 men who identify as straight but still had encounters with men stated:

“These men do not find men handsome or attractive, but they do find penises attractive, and they thus see penises as ‘living dildos’ or, in other words, disembodied objects of desire that provide a source of sexual pleasure.:

The article concluded:

 You can be a “good father,” which many men imply to mean being a strong, straight man, while still messing around with men on the side. From these men’s perspective, they can have it both ways — the privileges of identifying as straight and the pleasure and excitement of same-sex relationships on the side — without their identity being threatened.

Another woman posted an article by Joe Kort, who tells gay men they aren’t necessarily gay just because they sleep with men. Kort stated:

 "When straight men sleep with men it’s a guy thing, not a gay thing. In general, men have more transactional sex with one another, in general women don't. Men have objectified sex where it's just about the act, it's just about getting off, people man-shame him. When straight men have sex with men they’re still straight, it doesn’t erase heterosexuality.

I could go on with a whole bunch of other professional gays who will say the same message—“you don’t have to be gay to have sex with a man.”

Oh, and by the way, Joe Kort will also counsel you for $300 - $400 per hour to CONVINCE  you that you’re not gay just because you want to have sex with a penis!

So now I’m going to counsel you for FREE. If a man wants a penis in any way, shape, or form—he isn’t straight. And according to my critics, he may not be gay. But one thing is for sure—he is UNstraight. This includes men who go with transsexuals who look like women on top but still have their penis. UNstraight. And no matter how wonderful a man he is, do you really want a man who is obsessed by a penis? Do you want to be with a man who is fantasizing about another man or male organ? I say NO. And if you agree, then don’t let any of these WOKE people confuse you with their UNtruths!

Be good to yourself and KISS - KEEP IT STRAIGHT, SISTER!

STRAIGHT TALK RADIO SHOW RESUMING MAY 16^th!!

My blog talk radio show will be resuming on Sunday, May 16^th at 8 p.m. EST.

I am very excited that some of the women who participated in our Straight Wives: Shattered Lives 3 book will be starting off the series. You can go to the link at:

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/bonnielkaye

 

Here you can listen to past or current shows anytime during or after they are broadcast.

 

If you would like to tell your story to connect to others, please email me at Bonkaye@aol.com.

 

Wishing all my wonderful women the happiness you all deserve!!

 

Love, Bonnie

 

HELLO FROM BONNIE KAYE - 10/25/19

Hi Everyone,
It's been a long time since I've posted here--nearly 9 months. During that time, I've done some pretty awesome things, but semi-retired from my Straight Wives movement. I'm never far away, and I still run my online support group. I stopped my radio show last May, but that will be resuming with a new format in December.

In the meantime, I will go through my past newsletters and retrieve articles from long ago that you need to be reminded of. This one was one of my deal breakers:

NEW EPIPHANY - GAY MEN DON'T THINK STRAIGHT - July 2013

Every few years, an epiphany hits me like a ton of bricks. The first one was in 2001 when I realized that we became women who we were not necessarily supposed to become because our husbands are gay. Instead of working to grow emotionally and professionally, we are spiritually muted or stagnated for years living in a state of what I call "Muck"...much like sinking in quicksand. That is because we dance in that "circle of crazy" which means running around in circles like a dog chasing after its tail. Even the dog is in better shape than we are because sometimes he gets a hold of his tail--we just keep sinking further into helplessness.

Several epiphanies later, I now have a new one. This comes from 30 years and over 90,000 women asking me dozens of different questions that usually start the same way:

"HOW COULD HE DO THIS TO ME?"

It's very simple--he's GAY.

And here's my newest epiphany:

"GAY MEN DON'T THINK STRAIGHT."

Please don't misunderstand me. This is not a put down on gay people at all. It's just a reality based on years of observation. I am the first to say that I don't think gay. That is because I am straight. Once again--an observation.

So when women ask me how their gay husbands can do the things they do, it's quite simple--they are GAY. They don't belong in a marriage to you. PERIOD.

The problem with our women is that they keep expecting their husbands to act as if they are straight--not gay. You forget that gay men who complain about their unhappiness are unhappy because they are married to you--a woman. And even though your husband was for the most part all excited about the "opportunity" to marry you before you said, "I do," he was saying, "I hope I can, I hope I can make love to her, I hope she'll believe me when I pretend to be straight, I hope I won't keep fantasizing about men anymore, I hope those things I've done with guys will be in the past, I hope that if I can't resist these urges and she finds out, she won't leave me," etc. etc. You see, while you were entering the marriage filled with hopes and dreams, he was entering your marriage filled with the hope that he could "pull it off."

Don't ever believe that your gay husband just found out he was gay after he married you--after 10, 20, 30, or 40 years. That isn't true. And don't believe that he thought all men--including straight men--fantasize about being with men or have occasional sexual encounters with men because that is NOT true. And he knows it isn't true--he is just justifying his sexual fantasies and encounters. And why? He doesn't want to be gay.

I do believe that most gay men marry you because they love you--but let me clarify that by saying that they love you to the best of their ability as gay men. They love you the way they would love a sister or a cousin--but you are not his family--you are his WIFE. And as a wife, you are expecting more out your husband than to love you as a family member or best friend. That's where the disconnect begins. Some of us have that happen sooner than later in a marriage--but eventually, it does happen. And when things are not heating up in the bedroom, that's where the anger, resentment, and blame begin.

You: Why does it feel like I have to ask for sex all of the time?

Him: Why are you always thinking about sex?

You: Other women spend romantic evenings with their husbands.

Him: You are watching too many movies. It doesn't happen that way in real life.

You: We've only been married a couple of years. Why don't you make love to me?

Him: What are you? A nymphomanic? All you think about is sex, sex, sex.

Here is the disconnect. As a gay man, he is also thinking about sex, sex, sex. But he is not thinking about having it with you. When he thinks about sex with you, he is thinking about a way out of having sex with you. Just like the thought of having sex with your brother or uncle would be repulsive to you, he has the same thought when it comes to you. It's not that he doesn't love you--he just doesn't love you the way you love him--because he is gay. He can love you, but he can't be "in love" with you. He is gay--he doesn't know how.

Gay men in denial who have a deep enough desire to stay married because they can't face living in a "gay world" will go through the motions. They can talk the talk. After all, they've been practicing their whole lives observing straight people. They can walk the walk--they know what a "straight walk" looks like. But they can't do the "dirty" indefinitely no matter how hard they try. And after a while, it becomes "dirty" to them. It becomes as incestuous to them as it would be for us to have sex with a family member--or even your best girlfriend whom you love--but not as a lover.

Why do we keep expecting gay men to be straight men? That is the faulty thinking that we have. Every response they have with you is based on their gay thinking--not on straight thinking. The resentment they have towards you is because you are a woman who wants them to be a straight man. Why wouldn't you? He married you. He promised to love you through everything--but he didn't understand that everything meant being a husband who wants intimacy and sex with his wife as part of the marital deal.

When your husband married you, he figured he could do it and maybe enjoy it. After all, he could always close his eyes and fantasize about his dream man. Many of these gay husbands do just that--and they have told me so. But they don't want to do more than they have to do to convince you that they are straight. After all, if they can get an erection every now and then--even if they can't keep it during your intimate moments--that will prove to you that they are straight. And if they lose the erection in the middle of one of those moments--no problem. It's your fault, isn't it? If he can get one, he takes the credit, but can't keep it going, then you get the credit because it must be your fault. Let's see, you're too fat...thin...dirty...smelly...flat chested....big chested...have bad breath...breathe too loud...demand too much...boring during sex...didn't clean the house enough, don't use the right shampoo, etc., etc., etc.

And then you ask me how they could do this to you.

So ladies, here's where my new epiphany should become your new mantra:

GAY MEN DON'T THINK STRAIGHT BECAUSE THEY ARE GAY!

You need to say this over and over again to yourself daily whether you are still in your marriage or not. You see, we keep wondering how they can worse after they leave the marriage. We keep thinking like straight women who have a straight husband:

` Us: Maybe now that he has left, he'll realize how much he has hurt me.

Them: I gave up so much of my life for her. I was such a good husband and provider. I gave her everything I had, and all she did was complain and complain about sex. She's so ungrateful.

Yes, we just don't get it. Women have come to me and said, "He's willing to give up his family for a roll in the hay with someone? Sex means more to him than his family?

Yes, you just don't get it. It's not about sex--it's about being gay and being free of living a lie where he can never please you. It's about him feeling the kind of love and excitement with a man that he can never feel for you because he is gay. And say it again:

GAY MEN DON'T THINK STRAIGHT BECAUSE THEY ARE GAY.

The key to healing from this nightmare is to realize that you can't do anything about it other than accept it. You can't personalize it. When your husband or ex-husband blames you for his unhappiness, you can believe it because you are a woman. You can never be the wife he needs because he doesn't need a wife--he needs a man. He is gay.

When he blames you for ANYTHING, hold your head high because you need to believe this has NOTHING to do with you. You didn't create it, and you can't change it. In Bonnie Kaye terms that means: You didn't break him--you can't fix him. Stop trying.

Nothing upsets me more than women who tell me that some of the problems in the marriage happened because of their behavior so they have to take some of the blame. Well sister, here's the news--you don't have to take any of the blame. You married someone who can never make you feel good about yourself because he was rejecting you on some level since the day he married you. Even though he didn't want to hurt you, he couldn't help himself because he is gay.

What does that mean? He resented you. You became the enemy. You were the keeper of his internal prison he created, and YOU held the key that you refused to hand him to escape. It doesn't matter that hewanted to marry you, nor does it matter that he refuses to leave his safety net and comfort level of leading a "straight life." Now you are the one who "keeps him trapped" into being someone he doesn't really want to be---namely your husband..

This is where another disconnect sets in. He continually picks, picks, picks--and he is picking at you and on you because of his frustration. He'll look to blame you for the problems in the marriage. After all, he's done everything to make you happy, but you are never happy. He's a good provider. He's a good father. What's the problem in the marriage? It has to be YOU. In his mind, he does what he believes is the right thing to do--other than giving you sex every time you ask for it--and don't you keep asking? What is with you?

Since most of these men don't or won't tell you the truth until they are ready--and sadly, too many will never be ready, even when they leave you--you slowly begin the deterioration process that strips down your self-esteem one layer at a time. You lose your footing because no matter how hard you try, your husband doesn't love you the way you know a man should love a woman. You're not stupid--but you sure are feeling very stupid because nothing you do is making your husband happy. When you don't know why all of your efforts don't bear the results you want, you finally understand what is wrong in your relationship--YOU ARE INADEQUATE. You have made every attempt to make your husband love you by showing him with love, affection, and passion--but nothing helps. What is wrong with you?

This is where the anger, depression, and worthlessness starts taking over your psyche. Many of our gay husbands/ex husbands are passive-aggressive. They use a "slap and smile" strategy meaning they slap you down (mostly emotionally, but in some cases physically) and then tell you that they love you. Our "perception" of love gets distorted. As long as you hear those words "I love you," you feel there is a chance if only you can change some of your ways. You know what upsets him most--SEX. Other than that, he's not "that bad." As your family and friends keep telling you, "He's a good dad. He's a good provider. You go on nice vacations. He's not a WOMANIZER. You are a lucky woman." Message: There's nothing wrong with him. You should be happy.

So why aren't you? You start feeling guilty because you think you don't have the right to complain. Then you start reading magazine articles that say most relationships "lose their groove" sexually in time, but the friendship and love is still there. As the song goes, "Don't worry--be happy." Right? Wrong.

This is not about straight couples who get caught up with life on life's terms over the years where sex can diminish due to health issues or job pressures. This is about a gay man who has never made you feel valued as a woman--only as a sexual aggressor who has turned him off. It's about losing confidence in everything you do because no matter how much you have done, nothing is working. So many of our women try transforming themselves by going through life-changing surgery like gastric bypasses, breast implants, liposuction, and plastic surgery in order to make themselves more beautiful so their husbands will desire them. That's because he usually throws in those little excuses, "If only you weren't so heavy....if only you would lose weight...if only your breasts weren't so small....if only your body wasn't so flabby....if only, if only, if only.

Ha, ha, ha. Like changing this will make their husbands want them sexually more. They soon find out that "enhancing your appearance" to make yourself more beautiful is an act in futility. Your husband doesn't want you more beautiful--he wants a man--he is gay.

When you are a normal woman, years of getting the message that you are 'abnormal" deprives you of ever knowing who you really are. There won't be much personal growth or actualizing here because you are too busy trying to get your husband to love you which means "desire you." You have to learn to accept the way you want your husband to love you WILL NEVER HAPPEN BECAUSE HE IS A GAY MAN!

Never mistake "cuddling with you" for "passion" with you. If it gives you some false illusion that "cuddling" means loving you, then you are deluding yourself. A marriage doesn't need cuddling as its primary source of affection. It needs the passion and desire that that makes you feel like you can climb a mountain or float on a cloud. A straight man will never just "do it" to make you happy. He will make you happy because it makes him happy when you are sexually satisfied. He loves to touch you. Cuddling is secondary--not the primary reason he wants to touch you. When a man loves you, he wants to "make love" to you.

I have been with my boyfriend for 19 years and 6 months. We have a beautiful and regular sex life that is always top of the line even at our age. As he explains to me, "Making love to you is the best way for me to express how much I love you." Yep, that is how a straight man thinks. We are both so in synch with each other because we know what pleases each other. After nearly two decades, I can tell you that he still works just as hard to please me because to him IT IS NOT WORK. It's passion that has built our intimacy to survive those difficult time when sex isn't possible due to medical issues. The medical issues are never an excuse--they are just a delay knowing things will be better and we will be fine. That's the difference between a straight man and a gay man. Straight men want sex with you because you are a woman--gay men don't want sex with you because you are a woman.

In closing, repeat these words every day:

GAY MEN DON'T THINK STRAIGHT--GAY MEN DON'T THINK STRAIGHT.

BONNIE KAYE'S STRAIGHT TALK NEWSLETTER - FEBRUARY 2016

February 2016     Volume 16, Issue 173

TIME TO GET BACK ON TRACK

Yaaaay!!! The Horrorday Season is officially over, and now it's time for many of us to find ourselves back on track. While traditionalist believe that New Years is the time for renewed strength and resolve, I always feel as if life begins again for our straight wives on February 15th each year because we have survived all of the visual and audio images that create internal pain being hurled at us everywhere we look. We are on "love overload" meaning constant reminders are in our faces of what we wanted to have, thought we had, realize we don't have, and what we can't do about it. I remember every year following my divorce a sense of emotional heaviness would leave me when I reached February 15th--the day after Valentine's Day. It was like a celebration of "what I don't have to keep watching over and over that feels like a stabbing knife from my heart to my gut."

Here's the funny thing. I could fill your head with dozens of positive affirmations telling you that love is not just about your soulmate who you are pining for--it's about loving everyone else as well--children, parents, siblings, friends--and of course, most importantly--yourself. But who am I kidding? When your heart is breaking because your life feels as if it is collapsing because your gay husband doesn't want you, all of those cute little sayings start sounding very trite and. Little be it for me to say, "You shouldn't let it bother you." If you're living it, you will be bothered. Even if you stopped living it recently, it will also bother you. And for many years to come, it can still be very painful. No one can tell you how long Gay Husband Recovery will take. It's different for all of us.

I will tell you that I know many of our women who do eventually find the happiness that they deserve. It doesn't come easy--but it does come. You have read the stories from some of them in these newsletters. And there are many more that I know about--including me. I found love again because I wanted to. I was determined to find my real soulmate. And yes, it took time--a lot of time. But I was patient and he appeared one day nearly 24 years ago. I am still madly in love with this man even as we age!

I also know other women who have found the peace of mind and love of life without a man. They just didn't feel the need to be in a relationship after their marriages--which is fine too! They are happy, lead fulfilling lives, and surround themselves with loving friends and family.

There is not right or wrong way to chase your future. No one can tell you what is "best" for you. You have to find your own way in your own time. But for now--we are safe from the Horrordays--for at least nine months. Go enjoy!!

THE ISSUE OF CONTROL

One of the issues that women discuss the most with me is the controlling ways of their gay husbands not only while they are in a relationship, but long after the marriage is over. It seems that this is one of the main reasons why some women seem to linger so much longer in their marriages and feel so trapped. Most of them have husbands who are extremely controlling.

There are a number of reasons why men are controlling in straight relationships. Jealousy is a big factor; fear of abandonment can be another. There are those men who control because they lost control somewhere along the way in their own life or they don't want to be controlled by anyone. Regardless of the reason, it's not a good thing.

But when gay husbands are controlling, it is for another reason. This is my theory, of course, but I think it makes a lot of sense. When your husband marries you, in almost all cases he believes that he will be able to make those gay urges go away. He really believes that if he loves you enough, those thoughts will vanish, and he will no longer have those nagging male attractions. He is fighting not to be gay, and he really believes that if he falls for a wonderful woman, he won't be gay.

In the beginning of the marriage, that can happen for a while. In most cases, he is really trying with everything he has to make you happy as his wife. Maybe there are some issues in the bedroom, but in the beginning, it's do-able. He can close his eyes and remember how wonderful it is to have a wife who will bless him with children and all of the perks that go along with living straight. That in itself is a turn-on even if your body isn't exactly comfortable for him.

As time passes, he can still do it. Sometimes. Now when he closes his eyes he has to think about other things. The wife and children story just isn't making his manhood swell with pride anymore. Now he has to try a different tactic--namely fantasizing that you are a man. He is not lusting over your body; in fact, there are parts of it that kind of repulse him. But he can do some things where he doesn't have to actually see your face and allow him to pretend it's not you who is there and staring up at him. That can really help. At least for a while.

It's just a matter of time before a verbal line of excuses begin or verbal attacks about why you are turning him off start. We know the rest of that story, don't we?

So now is where the control part comes in. Your husband has to deal with the fact that he is your GAY husband. In his head, heart, and penis, he knows that he wants a man and you are not going to suffice. You are already complaining. You are already trying to seduce him with sexy nightgowns and romantic evenings. All you keep thinking about is sex. Why do you want it so much? Why do you keep making overtures and suggestions? It is making him very uncomfortable.

He also knows that it is just a matter of time before you figure it out. And once you figure it out, you might start telling other people about your sex life together--or lack of it--and asking if this happens to them. And when enough of your friends tell you that something is wrong--you will have confirmation.  And once you get that confirmation, those questions in your mind will become accusations. It's only a matter of time before the "G" word creeps into the conversation. He better get the "B" word ready just in case in order to keep you more confused but hopeful. On a side note, remember that the word Bisexual = Hope, at least until we get educated!

Once your gay husband's secret becomes this vulnerable, it's time for him to take action. Action in this case means controlling the environment around him--namely you. You see, he has no control over his sexuality. He tried--but he failed. In order from having his life as a straight man blown away by your discovering the truth, he will make sure to do everything he can so you never have the chance to start spreading the "seeds of doubt." He has to formulate a new strategy which ends up being CONTROL.

He has it figured out--start isolating you from family and friends, and then they won't be able to be there to support you which could lead to the demise of the marriage and his secret. Step one is isolation. Many of our hiding gay husbands will make it almost impossible for you to do anything except take care of them and your children. It is not unusual to make a move to distance you from people who are familiar. He will question your schedule, who you are talking to, what you are talking about, and make you feel as if you are spending too much time talking to other people. .

Part of this isolation strategy begins by criticizing you and using passive aggressive behavior. In other words, if you are doing everything he wants you to do, you get praise. If you are not doing it the way he wants it done, you get criticized or knocked down. It's like training you the same way we train babies--good behavior is rewarded by loving thoughts; bad behavior is punishable. Only you aren't a baby. You're an adult with feelings and emotions. Those "normal" feelings are constantly being challenged to make you start doubting yourself or "performing" in a more suitable way to suit your husband.

I remember during my marriage to my gay husband that my support system would start to disappear one person at a time. He made it extremely unpleasant anytime someone would visit us. He didn't like the support I received from my family, so he acted out every time someone would visit. He would look to pick a fight or find fault with my friends and family. It got to the point that people didn't want to come over because it wasn't very comfortable to be in the middle of an argument and have to choose sides. The house became a chaotic, crazy mess that was totally unwelcoming to others. Eventually, I had no support team. I became totally under his control.

I didn't like screaming and yelling. As I said have stated before, my ex would "shout me down to shut me up." When I tried to stand up for myself, he used cruelty in his verbal attacks on me that made me feel extremely worthless. Little innuendos became caustic accusations whenever I tried to stand up for myself. So I stopped trying. I gave in and submitted.

If people called me, he would accuse me of trying to turn them against him. He would add, "Why don't you tell them how I always have to do the things you are supposed to be doing and don't do?" He made me question not only my ability as a wife, but also as a mother. I don't know if I would have ever found the strength to leave this man whose strength over powered mine. In fact, I no longer had the guts to do anything more than fantasize about freedom from the mess by thinking criminal thoughts.

Another common strategy our husbands use to future their control is blaming us for the problems that are prevalent in our marriages. One common way to do this is to attack what is most valuable to us--namely our feminine spirit. As women, we are instilled with love for those around us, especially our life partners. We fall for them and keep hoping that man we fell in love with will reappear when things start to slide downhill. Some of us feel sorry for our husbands believing that they are suffering so much more than we are from ghosts of their pasts like unstable home lives and abuse. When they were busy "hooking" us to love them, they were able to recognize that soft spot within us that wanted to rescue them from their past hurts. After all, love was the cure for everything, wasn't it? Well, I was taught it was. As a ridiculous romantic, I believed that any problems would "straighten themselves out" with an extra touch of love and understanding.

Sadly, that kindness is perceived as "weakness" by these men who see they can turn the tables on you by making you feel to blame for the failure in the bedroom. This is where your feminine spirit starts to deteriorate and disappear. He claims that your lackluster sex life is because your body lacks shape, you're too small breasted to get a real man excited, you smell in your feminine places, or how can he kiss you when your breath stinks? Why are you blaming him? Look at yourself and you'll figure it out. Only we don't figure it out. We don't even figure out that the problem isn't us--it's him. Lacking this kind of confidence is another method of control. It's controlling you in the bedroom in case you want to keep asking for that crazy thing called "sex."

The saddest stories I hear are from our women who can't cope with the daily mental pain and emotional abuse, so they escape to the bottle or either alcohol or mind numbing pills. It's so much easier when you don't have to think about it at all. I know that drugs and alcohol are a major problem within the gay community due to the difficulty of gay people having to deal with homophobia and self-acceptance. But has anyone ever done a survey with straight wives to see how many of our women turn to drugs and alcohol due to our unhappiness and failure to cope? Is our suffering any less than our gay husbands' suffering? Sadly, your newly acquired numbness is now used as another reason for your gay husband to turn you into the problem in the marriage. He's not doing this--you are. He keeps reminding you that you have to take the responsibility for numbing yourself--not him. It's just one more way for his tight control of the situation. And the best part of all--no one is going to believe anything you say. He'll keep reminding you that people don't like to listen to drunks and addicts.

Getting back to my original point, whenever you live in a marriage where there is too much taking and not enough giving by your partner, you can never find the happiness that all of us were destined for. I will never believe that wonderful women were meant to be tested to see how loyal they could be to a man who could never function as a real husband to her. Who would ever set up such a test?

Bottom line--once the control begins, it is rare for it to ever end. If you don't want to live your life to be the cover and protection for a man who wants to live a lie, do whatever you have to do to find support. No, it's never easy--but it's so worth it. TAKE BACK YOUR LIFE!!!!

BONNIE KAYE'S STRAIGHT TALK NEWS LETTER - JANUARY 2016

January 2016     Volume 16, Issue 172

UNDERSTANDING DIVORCE

It's a New Year, and Happy or at least Happier New Year to all of my readers and supporters. A New Year always represents a time of hope, or at least it's supposed to represent that. For those of you who are still stuck in your marriages, I know that sometimes there feels as if there is no hope, but I also know if you're reading this newsletter, you are standing up for yourself on some level. Yes, I know some of you keep it a secret for fear of your controlling husband finding a way to control your computer activity--but at least you are at a point where you know you are sinking. At some point you'll say, "No More--I'm leaving this sinking ship," but in many cases that is easier to say than do. Why? Because every year you remain with you "unloving controlling gay husband" is another year that you are beaten down and feel like you can't get up. Unlike the elderly lady who has that medical bracelet that where she pushes a button to call for help, we have no rescue button. Your husband is making sure of that.

About 3/4 of all women who write to me tell me that they have no privacy--or even friends. Their gay husbands try to alienate them from their families by either moving away or making it so unpleasant that your family doesn't want to visit. They look for lots of reasons why your "loving family" is causing problems in your "unloving marriage." They tell you that the less you have to do with your family, the better off your marriage is. And we get so mentally broken down, we just give in. And when you keep giving in, you give up.

I wish I could invent that "call for help" rescue buttons for our straight wives. They could be pushed every time you start falling, and a little button would signal me so I could give you words of strength, wisdom, and most of all--HOPE!!! But sadly, I don't have the technical knowhow of how to do that. That's what keeps me writing these newsletters, so you'll have a connection to reality in your totally distorted world of his control. And hopefully one day, you will realize that your life is more important than his and work to save yourself.

For those of us who get out of our marriages, "freedom" doesn't seem exactly perfect either. 

Some of our women have a strong sense of loss especially those who thought they were married to their soul mates. Others become single mothers who now have the burden of working and raising the children on their own--except when the Disney Dads decide to take the children once in a blue moon. Disney Dads love to show the kids what good parents they are--and what "fun" parents they are. They have so much fun for a weekend before the kids are returned to you for a slap of reality--like chores, school, and rules. Those of us who have lived this experience realize how difficult it is to have your children love or even listen to you after these weekends. After all, they have so much more fun with daddy.

Some of us have ex-husbands who are still so controlling that they want to make your life miserable. They will fight you for custody, and in some cases, they really don't care about it--they are just looking to show you that they are still "the boss." They take you to the emotional depths of hell even thought YOU were the one primarily raising your children while he wasn't even around very much.

Many women ask me why are so many of our gay husbands so controlling. It's simple--they have no control over their sexual needs. They are gay, but they don't want to be. So they believe if they can't control themselves, at least they can control the environment around them--which means you. They can scare you into not revealing their secret, because if you do, "You'll be sorry!!" It's a warning, and when you are beaten down on a daily basis, you just give in and believe it. So you go with his game plan because you don' t have the strength for your own plan--not at first anyway.

So many women who were "stuck in the muck" have twisted themselves free out of those handcuffs that chained you to the world of deception. You saw the light, and even though it didn't happen right away, I always say you have to be emotionally free before you can be physically free.

Bottom line? Don't give up on yourself--because I won't. I will fight for the freedom and sanity and not give up on you even if you give up on  yourself. All you have to do is ask for support. I have the greatest women in my network many of whom are ready to give support to others who are struggling. All you have to do is.....ask! Write to me and ask!

As I said before, Happier New Year to us all! xoxo

BONNIE KAYE'S STRAIGHT TALK - DECEMBER 2015

BONNIE KAYE'S STRAIGHT TALK

December 2015     Volume 16, Issue 171

A BEAUTIFUL MESSAGE FOR THE HOLDAYS FROM A STRAIGHT WIFE--KRISTI

One of the members of my support network is an amazing woman Kristi. She sent this message for our women who are struggling with moving out of their relationships. I hope her words help and inspire you--as they did for me. Thank you, Kristi, for sharing!!

I feel the need to share my heart on something with y'all. It's a deeper look into my story than I think I've shared before.

In light of a straight wife's mention of reconciliation, I just feel like it might be time to bring it up in case it might help anyone. I don't know why I've never felt compelled to share the entirety of it before now. I guess it just makes me feel so stupid and so blind that I haven't.

Anyway, here goes, and I hope it helps someone.

My gay ex and I got married in January 1994. In December 1994 (Christmas Eve, to be exact), he told me he had always thought he might be gay. Shocked (although I shouldn't have been, I guess, because my mom had told me from Day 1 that he was, and my gut said so, too), I remember saying, "So, what do we do now?"

He said, "Well, I don't want to act on it."

I stupidly and naively crawled into the closet where I would spend the next bunch of years and said, "Well, if you promise not to act on it, I promise I'll never tell anyone."

He agreed, and we stayed married until February 1998, when I finally couldn't take the rejection anymore.

On Groundhog Day (what a great Coming Out day, huh?) 1998, he said, "I'm gay."

I again (pre-Bonnie's SWC (Straight Wives Club)) said, "So, what do we do now?"

See, the good Christian girl in me had promised never to get a divorce no matter what.

He said, "Well, I guess we get a divorce."

I was horrified, but it was clear that he had no intention of staying. He was free.

For the next few weeks, I slept in what had been our bed, while he slept in the guest room. He was so mean to me. So cruel, so hateful... He rubbed my face in his new reality and made it clear that he couldn't wait for me to get out.

I did. On Valentine's Day. 1998.

We agreed not to see each other or speak to each other again, but I broke down and called him. We had grown so dependent on one another (largely due to the crappy secret I was keeping), and I believe now that he saw the value in keeping a sucker in his pocket. So, we reconnected.

From about July 1998 until the fall of 1999, we kept in touch via email. His email then was the ever-so-gay Cute28FL because, in his words, he was cute, 28, and lived in Florida.

He told me details of all of his escapades. Graphic detail.

I was so torn up and so devoid of anyone who could POSSIBLY understand what I was going through that I honestly just craved the friendship. He knew the secret, so I could talk freely without watching my every word. Yes, I was still keeping it. Gosh, how I needed the SWC back then!!!!

Anyway, I visited with him in Florida once for Christmas, and we exchanged presents and marveled at how wonderful our relationship was that we could remain close even after divorce.

He told me of his relationships (living with 6 different men in 6 different apartments over the course of a year and a half), and I supported him to his face and cried myself to sleep every night. Yet another secret I kept...

In fall 1999, he called me to tell me that he had moved back in with his parents and was thrilled to tell me that he wasn't gay anymore. That God had changed him.

I argued that it was impossible, but he poured on the charm and begged me to meet with him to see the differences in him- because surely once I saw him, I would see the miraculous transformation God had made in his life, and if I believed that God could do anything, I would certainly be able to believe in the change God had made in him.

Again, stupidly, I agreed. And he was right- at least to my naive eye! His walk was different. His talk was different. He talked of how he regretted not being affectionate with me and how he wanted to "have sex all night" with me.

I got sucked in, but mind you, he still felt it very important that he not have sex with me unless we were married.

Seduced by the thought that he FINALLY wanted me and blinded by my own loneliness (and not wanting it to seem that I didn't believe that God can do anything), I agreed to remarry him.

So, I did- in January 2000 (on our original anniversary date).

Not that it will surprise any of you, but never even once was there anything close to "sex all night."

Six months later, he began cheating on me. That cheating would continue for the next 12 years- until he finally broke down and confessed to having sex with "hundreds of men."

You'd think that's when I got out, wouldn't you? No, Queen Stupid here still didn't know what to do. Again, no SWC...

But don't worry, he said. Why? Because guess what!! God changed him again! (Don't even get me started on how much I believe there is a special place in hell for people who use God to cover their own lies and for their own special purposes, but I digress)...

I went to my preacher, who told me I had every Biblical right to get a divorce but that "we serve a God of restoration and RECONCILIATION" and that he'd like to see me give him 6 weeks to prove the change in him.

I was so much in shock and so numbed by it that I said, "OK," and six weeks went by, and still having no idea what to do, I told him that I wanted him to sign a contract that I would make up that would allow me access to all of his online accounts (FB, etc.) so that he couldn't do anything anymore. He agreed never to go to the restroom alone again. He would never be online unless I was around.

So, the sucker became a wife, and the wife became the babysitter...

And six weeks became six months, and I buried myself in a cocoon of survival and self-preservation. I was sure no one could ever understand me or what I was going through, and surely I must be unlovable, or this man, whom God kept "changing," could find it in his heart to love me.

My options were to survive or be alone forever. At least, that's what I thought.

Finally, I found Bonnie and the SWC and found my voice. I also found my own self-esteem and my own self-worth.

You, my dear sisters, are worth far more than the mirage of reconciliation. You are worth more than spending your days hoping that, one day, you'll be enough.

You already ARE enough. You are just trapped in a relationship with someone who will never see it.

I gave up half of my life hoping that the caterpillar would become a butterfly. In the end, I found that it was impossible, for he was a worm and never a caterpillar at all.

I found that I was the caterpillar and that I had stayed in the cocoon far too long. I can't tell you the joy I felt in allowing myself to become the butterfly.

You, my precious sisters, are butterflies. Don't stay in the cocoon. Please don't be fooled by the temptation of reconciliation. Worms never become butterflies- no matter how long you wait and wish.

After years of staying in a place where I didn't belong and wasn't (and never would be) wanted, I finally made the decision to free myself. If only I had known what awaited me on the other side of my decision! I am now married to a wonderful straight man who loves me the way a husband is SUPPOSED to love him wife, and he loves my kids, too, as if they were his own. I had convinced myself that a happy ending just wasn't meant to be. What I didn't realize was that a happy ending is impossible when married to a gay man.

My prayers are with all of you- always. Love to you all,

Kristi