BONNIE KAYE CLASSIC ARTICLE = GAY MEN DON'T THINK STRAIGHT

Hi Friends,

I wrote this article back in 2013, but it is just so important that I wanted to reprint it now. I hope it helps you gain perspective of the failure of your marriages.

 

NEW EPIPHANY - GAY MEN DON'T THINK STRAIGHT - July 2013

Every few years, an epiphany hits me like a ton of bricks. The first one was in 2001 when I realized that we became women who we were not necessarily supposed to become because our husbands are gay.  Instead of working to grow emotionally and professionally, we are spiritually muted or stagnated for years living in a state of what I call "Muck"...much like sinking in quicksand. That is because we dance in that "circle of crazy" which means running around in circles like a dog chasing after its tail. Even the dog is in better shape than we are because sometimes he gets a hold of his tail--we just keep sinking further into helplessness.

Several epiphanies later, I now have a new one. This comes from 30 years and over 90,000 women asking me dozens of different questions that usually start the same way:

"HOW COULD HE DO THIS TO ME?"

It's very simple--he's GAY.

And here's my newest epiphany:

"GAY MEN DON'T THINK STRAIGHT."

Please don't misunderstand me. This is not a put down on gay people at all. It's just a reality based on years of observation. I am the first to say that I don't think gay. That is because I am straight. Once again--an observation.

So when women ask me how their gay husbands can do the things they do, it's quite simple--they are GAY. They don't belong in a marriage to you. PERIOD.

The problem with our women is that they keep expecting their husbands to act as if they are straight--not gay. You forget that gay men who complain about their unhappiness are unhappy because they are married to you--a woman. And even though your husband  was for the most part all excited about the "opportunity" to marry you before you said, "I do," he was saying, "I hope I can, I hope I can make love to her, I hope she'll believe me when I pretend to be straight, I hope I won't keep fantasizing about men anymore, I hope those things I've done with guys will be in the past, I hope that if I can't resist these urges and she finds out, she won't leave me," etc. etc. You see, while you were entering the marriage filled with hopes and dreams, he was entering your marriage filled with the hope that he could "pull it off."

Don't ever believe that your gay husband just found out he was gay after he married you--after 10, 20, 30, or 40 years. That isn't true. And don't believe that he thought all men--including straight men--fantasize about being with men or have occasional sexual encounters with men because that is NOT true. And he knows it isn't true--he is just justifying his sexual fantasies and encounters. And why? He doesn't want to be gay.

I do believe that most gay men marry you because they love you--but let me clarify that by saying that they love you to the best of their ability as gay men. They love you the way they would love a sister or a cousin--but you are not his family--you are his WIFE. And as a wife, you are expecting more out your husband than to love you as a family member or best friend.  That's where the disconnect begins. Some of us have that happen sooner than later in a marriage--but eventually, it does happen. And when things are not heating up in the bedroom, that's where the anger, resentment, and blame begin.

          You: Why does it feel like I have to ask for sex all of the time?

          Him:  Why are you always thinking about sex?

          You:   Other women spend romantic evenings with their husbands.

          Him:  You are watching too many movies. It doesn't happen that way                      in real life.

          You:  We've only been married a couple of years. Why don't you                            make love to me?

          Him:  What are you? A nymphomaniac? All you think about is sex,                        sex, sex.

Here is the disconnect. As a gay man, he is also thinking about sex, sex, sex. But he is not thinking about having it with you. When he thinks about sex with you, he is thinking about a way out of having sex with you. Just like the thought of having sex with your brother or uncle would be repulsive to you, he has the same thought when it comes to you. It's not that he doesn't love you--he just doesn't love you the way you love him--because he is gay. He can love you, but he can't be "in love" with you. He is gay--he doesn't know how.

Gay men in denial who have a deep enough desire to stay married because they can't face living in a "gay world" will go through the motions. They can talk the talk. After all, they've been practicing their whole lives observing straight people. They can walk the walk--they know what a "straight walk" looks like. But they can't do the "dirty" indefinitely no matter how hard they try. And after a while, it becomes "dirty" to them. It becomes as incestuous to them as it would be for us to have sex with a family member--or even your best girlfriend whom you love--but not as a lover.

Why do we keep expecting gay men to be straight men? That is the faulty thinking that we have. Every response they have with you is based on their gay thinking--not on straight thinking. The resentment they have towards you is because you are a woman who wants them to be a straight man. Why wouldn't you? He married you. He promised to love you through everything--but he didn't understand that everything meant being a husband who wants intimacy and sex with his wife as part of the marital deal.

When your husband married you, he figured he could do it and maybe enjoy it. After all, he could always close his eyes and fantasize about his dream man. Many of these gay husbands do just that--and they have told me so. But they don't want to do more than they have to do to convince you that they are straight. After all, if they can get an erection every now and then--even if they can't keep it during your intimate moments--that will prove to you that they are straight. And if they lose the erection in the middle of one of those moments--no problem. It's your fault, isn't it? If he can get one, he takes the credit, but can't keep it going, then you get the credit because it must be your fault. Let's see, you're too fat...thin...dirty...smelly...flat chested....big chested...have bad breath...breathe too loud...demand too much...boring during sex...didn't clean the house enough, don't use the right shampoo, etc., etc., etc.

And then you ask me how they could do this to you.

So ladies, here's where my new epiphany should become your new mantra:

GAY MEN DON'T THINK STRAIGHT BECAUSE THEY ARE GAY!

You need to say this over and over again to yourself daily whether you are still in your marriage or not. You see, we keep wondering how they can worse after they leave the marriage. We keep thinking like straight women who have a straight husband:

Us:       Maybe now that he has left, he'll realize how much he has                             hurt me.

Them:    I gave up so much of my life for her. I was such a good                                husband and provider. I gave her everything I had, and all                           she did was complain and complain about sex. She's so                              ungrateful.

Yes, we just don't get it. Women have come to me and said, "He's willing to give up his family for a roll in the hay with someone? Sex means more to him than his family?

Yes, you just don't get it. It's not about sex--it's about being gay and being free of living a lie where he can never please you. It's about him feeling the kind of love and excitement with a man that he can never feel for you because he is gay. And say it again:

GAY MEN DON'T THINK STRAIGHT BECAUSE THEY ARE GAY.

The key to healing from this nightmare is to realize that you can't do anything about it other than accept it. You can't personalize it. When your husband or ex-husband blames you for his unhappiness, you can believe it because you are a woman. You can never be the wife he needs because he doesn't need a wife--he needs a man. He is gay.

When he blames you for ANYTHING, hold your head high because you need to believe this has NOTHING to do with you. You didn't create it, and you can't change it. In Bonnie Kaye terms that means: You didn't break him--you can't fix him. Stop trying.

Nothing upsets me more than women who tell me that some of the problems in the marriage happened because of their behavior so they have to take some of the blame. Well sister, here's the news--you don't have to take any of the blame. You married someone who can never make you feel good about yourself because he was rejecting you on some level since the day he married you. Even though he didn't want to hurt you, he couldn't help himself because he is gay.

What does that mean? He resented you. You became the enemy. You were the keeper of his internal prison he created, and YOU held the key that you refused to hand him to escape. It doesn't matter that he wanted to marry you, nor does it matter that he refuses to leave his safety net and comfort level of leading a "straight life." Now you are the one who "keeps him trapped" into being someone he doesn't really want to be---namely your husband..

This is where another disconnect sets in. He continually picks, picks, picks--and he is picking at you and on you because of his frustration. He'll look to blame you for the problems in the marriage. After all, he's done everything to make you happy, but you are never happy. He's a good provider. He's a good father. What's the problem in the marriage? It has to be YOU. In his mind, he does what he believes is the right thing to do--other than giving you sex every time you ask for it--and don't you keep asking? What is with you?  

Since most of these men don't  or won't tell you the truth until they are ready--and sadly, too many will never be ready, even when they leave you--you slowly begin the deterioration process that strips down your self-esteem one layer at a time. You lose your footing because no matter how hard you try, your husband doesn't love you the way you know a man should love a woman. You're not stupid--but you sure are feeling very stupid because nothing you do is making your husband happy. When you don't know why all of your efforts don't bear the results you want, you finally understand what is wrong in your relationship--YOU ARE INADEQUATE. You have made every attempt to make your husband love you by showing him with love, affection, and passion--but nothing helps. What is wrong with you?

This is where the anger, depression, and worthlessness starts taking over your psyche. Many of our gay husbands/ex-husbands are passive-aggressive. They use a "slap and smile" strategy meaning they slap you down (mostly emotionally, but in some cases physically) and then tell you that they love you. Our "perception" of love gets distorted. As long as you hear those words "I love you," you feel there is a chance if only you can change some of your ways. You know what upsets him most--SEX. Other than that, he's not "that bad." As your family and friends keep telling you, "He's a good dad. He's a good provider. You go on nice vacations. He's not a WOMANIZER. You are a lucky woman." Message: There's nothing wrong with him. You should be happy.

So why aren't you? You start feeling guilty because you think you don't have the right to complain. Then you start reading magazine articles that say most relationships "lose their groove" sexually in time, but the friendship and love is still there. As the song goes, "Don't worry--be happy." Right? Wrong.

This is not about straight couples who get caught up with life on life's terms over the years where sex can diminish due to health issues or job pressures. This is about a gay man who has never made you feel valued as a woman--only as a sexual aggressor who has turned him off. It's about losing confidence in everything you do because no matter how much you have done, nothing is working. So many of our women try transforming themselves by going through life-changing surgery like gastric bypasses, breast implants, liposuction, and plastic surgery in order to make themselves more beautiful so their husbands will desire them. That's because he usually throws in those little excuses, "If only you weren't so heavy....if only you would lose weight...if only your breasts weren't so small....if only your body wasn't so flabby....if only, if only, if only.

Ha, ha, ha. Like changing this will make their husbands want them sexually more. They soon find out that "enhancing your appearance" to make yourself more beautiful is an act in futility. Your husband doesn't want you more beautiful--he wants a man--he is gay.

 When you are a normal woman, years of getting the message that you are 'abnormal" deprives you of ever knowing who you really are. There won't be much personal growth or actualizing here because you are too busy trying to get your husband to love you which means "desire you." You have to learn to accept the way you want your husband to love you WILL NEVER HAPPEN BECAUSE HE IS A GAY MAN!

Never mistake "cuddling with you" for "passion" with you. If it gives you some false illusion that "cuddling" means loving you, then you are deluding yourself. A marriage doesn't need cuddling as its primary source of affection. It needs the passion and desire that that makes you feel like you can climb a mountain or float on a cloud. A straight man will never just "do it" to make you happy. He will make you happy because it makes him happy when you are sexually satisfied. He loves to touch you. Cuddling is secondary--not the primary reason he wants to touch you. When a man loves you, he wants to "make love" to you.

I have been with my boyfriend for 19 years and 6 months. We have a beautiful and regular sex life that is always top of the line even at our age. As he explains to me, "Making love to you is the best way for me to express how much I love you." Yep, that is how a straight man thinks. We are both so in sync with each other because we know what pleases each other. After nearly two decades, I can tell you that he still works just as hard to please me because to him IT IS NOT WORK. It's passion that has built our intimacy to survive those difficult time when sex isn't possible due to medical issues. The medical issues are never an excuse--they are just a delay knowing things will be better and we will be fine. That's the difference between a straight man and a gay man. Straight men want sex with you because you are a woman--gay men don't want sex with you because you are a woman.

In closing, repeat these words every day:

GAY MEN DON'T THINK STRAIGHT--GAY MEN DON'T THINK STRAIGHT

GAY MEN DON'T THINK STRAIGHT!!

 NEW EPIPHANY - GAY MEN DON'T THINK STRAIGHT

Every few years, an epiphany hits me like a ton of bricks. The first one was in 2001 when I realized that we became women who we were not necessarily supposed to become because our husbands are gay.  Instead of working to grow emotionally and professionally, we are spiritually muted or stagnated for years living in a state of what I call "Muck"...much like sinking in quicksand. That is because we dance in that "circle of crazy" which means running around in circles like a dog chasing after its tail. Even the dog is in better shape than we are because sometimes he gets a hold of his tail--we just keep sinking further into helplessness.

Several epiphanies later, I now have a new one. This comes from 35 years and over 100,000 women asking me dozens of different questions that usually start the same way:

"HOW COULD HE DO THIS TO ME?"

It's very simple--he's GAY.

And here's my newest epiphany:

"GAY MEN DON'T THINK STRAIGHT."

Please don't misunderstand me. This is not a put down on gay people at all. It's just a reality based on years of observation. I am the first to say that I don't think gay. That is because I am straight. Once again--an observation.

So when women ask me how their gay husbands can do the things they do, it's quite simple--they are GAY. They don't belong in a marriage to you. PERIOD.

The problem with our women is that they keep expecting their husbands to act as if they are straight--not gay. You forget that gay men who complain about their unhappiness are unhappy because they are married to you--a woman. And even though your husband  was for the most part all excited about the "opportunity" to marry you before you said, "I do," he was saying, "I hope I can, I hope I can make love to her, I hope she'll believe me when I pretend to be straight, I hope I won't keep fantasizing about men anymore, I hope those things I've done with guys will be in the past, I hope that if I can't resist these urges and she finds out, she won't leave me," etc. etc. You see, while you were entering the marriage filled with hopes and dreams, he was entering your marriage filled with the hope that he could "pull it off."

Don't ever believe that your gay husband just found out he was gay after he married you--after 10, 20, 30, or 40 years. That isn't true. And don't believe that he thought all men--including straight men--fantasize about being with men or have occasional sexual encounters with men because that is NOT true. And he knows it isn't true--he is just justifying his sexual fantasies and encounters. And why? He doesn't want to be gay.

I do believe that most gay men marry you because they love you--but let me clarify that by saying that they love you to the best of their ability as gay men. They love you the way they would love a sister or a cousin--but you are not his family--you are his WIFE. And as a wife, you are expecting more out your husband than to love you as a family member or best friend.  That's where the disconnect begins. Some of us have that happen sooner than later in a marriage--but eventually, it does happen. And when things are not heating up in the bedroom, that's where the anger, resentment, and blame begin.

          You: Why does it feel like I have to ask for sex all of the time?

          Him: Why are you always thinking about sex?

          You: Other women spend romantic evenings with their husbands.

          Him:  You are watching too many movies. It doesn't happen that way in real life.

          You:  We've only been married a couple of years. Why don't you make love to                         me?

          Him:  What are you? A nymphomaniac? All you think about is sex, sex, sex.

Here is the disconnect. As a gay man, he is also thinking about sex, sex, sex. But he is not thinking about having it with you. When he thinks about sex with you, he is thinking about a way out of having sex with you. Just like the thought of having sex with your brother or uncle would be repulsive to you, he has the same thought when it comes to you. It's not that he doesn't love you--he just doesn't love you the way you love him--because he is gay. He can love you, but he can't be "in love" with you. He is gay--he doesn't know how.

Gay men in denial who have a deep enough desire to stay married because they can't face living in a "gay world" will go through the motions. They can talk the talk. After all, they've been practicing their whole lives observing straight people. They can walk the walk--they know what a "straight walk" looks like. But they can't do the "dirty" indefinitely no matter how hard they try. And after a while, it becomes "dirty" to them. It becomes as incestuous to them as it would be for us to have sex with a family member--or even your best girlfriend whom you love--but not as a lover.

Why do we keep expecting gay men to be straight men? That is the faulty thinking that we have. Every response they have with you is based on their gay thinking--not on straight thinking. The resentment they have towards you is because you are a woman who wants them to be a straight man. Why wouldn't you? He married you. He promised to love you through everything--but he didn't understand that everything meant being a husband who wants intimacy and sex with his wife as part of the marital deal.

When your husband married you, he figured he could do it and maybe enjoy it. After all, he could always close his eyes and fantasize about his dream man. Many of these gay husbands do just that--and they have told me so. But they don't want to do more than they have to do to convince you that they are straight. After all, if they can get an erection every now and then--even if they can't keep it during your intimate moments--that will prove to you that they are straight. And if they lose the erection in the middle of one of those moments--no problem. It's your fault, isn't it? If he can get one, he takes the credit, but can't keep it going, then you get the credit because it must be your fault. Let's see, you're too fat...thin...dirty...smelly...flat chested....big chested...have bad breath...breathe too loud...demand too much...boring during sex...didn't clean the house enough, don't use the right shampoo, etc., etc., etc.

And then you ask me how they could do this to you.

So ladies, here's where my new epiphany should become your new mantra:

GAY MEN DON'T THINK STRAIGHT BECAUSE THEY ARE GAY!

You need to say this over and over again to yourself daily whether you are still in your marriage or not. You see, we keep wondering how they can worse after they leave the marriage. We keep thinking like straight women who have a straight husband:

          

           Us:      Maybe now that he has left, he'll realize how much he has hurt me.

          Them:  I gave up so much of my life for her. I was such a good husband and                        provider. I gave her everything I had, and all she did was complain and                        complain about sex. She's so ungrateful. 

Yes, we just don't get it. Women have come to me and said, "He's willing to give up his family for a roll in the hay with someone? Sex means more to him than his family?

Yes, you just don't get it. It's not about sex--it's about being gay and being free of living a lie where he can never please you. It's about him feeling the kind of love and excitement with a man that he can never feel for you because he is gay. And say it again:

GAY MEN DON'T THINK STRAIGHT BECAUSE THEY ARE GAY.

The key to healing from this nightmare is to realize that you can't do anything about it other than accept it. You can't personalize it. When your husband or ex-husband blames you for his unhappiness, you can believe it because you are a woman. You can never be the wife he needs because he doesn't need a wife--he needs a man. He is gay.

When he blames you for ANYTHING, hold your head high because you need to believe this has NOTHING to do with you. You didn't create it, and you can't change it. In Bonnie Kaye terms that means: You didn't break him--you can't fix him. Stop trying.

Nothing upsets me more than women who tell me that some of the problems in the marriage happened because of their behavior so they have to take some of the blame. Well sister, here's the news--you don't have to take any of the blame. You married someone who can never make you feel good about yourself because he was rejecting you on some level since the day he married you. Even though he didn't want to hurt you, he couldn't help himself because he is gay.

What does that mean? He resented you. You became the enemy. You were the keeper of his internal prison he created, and YOU held the key that you refused to hand him to escape. It doesn't matter that he wanted to marry you, nor does it matter that he refuses to leave his safety net and comfort level of leading a "straight life." Now you are the one who "keeps him trapped" into being someone he doesn't really want to be---namely your husband.

This is where another disconnect sets in. He continually picks, picks, picks--and he is picking at you and on you because of his frustration. He'll look to blame you for the problems in the marriage. After all, he's done everything to make you happy, but you are never happy. He's a good provider. He's a good father. What's the problem in the marriage? It has to be YOU. In his mind, he does what he believes is the right thing to do--other than giving you sex every time you ask for it--and don't you keep asking? What is with you?   

Since most of these men don't  or won't tell you the truth until they are ready--and sadly, too many will never be ready, even when they leave you--you slowly begin the deterioration process that strips down your self-esteem one layer at a time. You lose your footing because no matter how hard you try, your husband doesn't love you the way you know a man should love a woman. You're not stupid--but you sure are feeling very stupid because nothing you do is making your husband happy. When you don't know why all of your efforts don't bear the results you want, you finally understand what is wrong in your relationship--YOU ARE INADEQUATE. You have made every attempt to make your husband love you by showing him with love, affection, and passion--but nothing helps. What is wrong with you?

This is where the anger, depression, and worthlessness starts taking over your psyche. Many of our gay husbands/ex husbands are passive-aggressive. They use a "slap and smile" strategy meaning they slap you down (mostly emotionally, but in some cases physically) and then tell you that they love you. Our "perception" of love gets distorted. As long as you hear those words "I love you," you feel there is a chance if only you can change some of your ways. You know what upsets him most--SEX. Other than that, he's not "that bad." As your family and friends keep telling you, "He's a good dad. He's a good provider. You go on nice vacations. He's not a WOMANIZER. You are a lucky woman."  

         Message: There's nothing wrong with him. You should be happy.

So why aren't you? You start feeling guilty because you think you don't have the right to complain. Then you start reading magazine articles that say most relationships "lose their groove" sexually in time, but the friendship and love is still there. As the song goes, "Don't worry--be happy." Right? Wrong.

This is not about straight couples who get caught up with life on life's terms over the years where sex can diminish due to health issues or job pressures. This is about a gay man who has never made you feel valued as a woman--only as a sexual aggressor who has turned him off. It's about losing confidence in everything you do because no matter how much you have done, nothing is working. So many of our women try transforming themselves by going through life-changing surgery like gastric bypasses, breast implants, liposuction, and plastic surgery in order to make themselves more beautiful so their husbands will desire them. That's because he usually throws in those little excuses, "If only you weren't so heavy....if only you would lose weight...if only your breasts weren't so small....if only your body wasn't so flabby....if only, if only, if only.

Ha, ha, ha. Like changing this will make their husbands want them sexually more. They soon find out that "enhancing your appearance" to make yourself more beautiful is an act in futility. Your husband doesn't want you more beautiful--he wants a man--he is gay.

 When you are a normal woman, years of getting the message that you are 'abnormal" deprives you of ever knowing who you really are. There won't be much personal growth or actualizing here because you are too busy trying to get your husband to love you which means "desire you." You have to learn to accept the way you want your husband to love you WILL NEVER HAPPEN BECAUSE HE IS A GAY MAN!

Never mistake "cuddling with you" for "passion" with you. If it gives you some false illusion that "cuddling" means loving you, then you are deluding yourself. A marriage doesn't need cuddling as its primary source of affection. It needs the passion and desire that that makes you feel like you can climb a mountain or float on a cloud. A straight man will never just "do it" to make you happy. He will make you happy because it makes him happy when you are sexually satisfied. He loves to touch you. Cuddling is secondary--not the primary reason he wants to touch you. When a man loves you, he wants to "make love" to you.

I have been with my boyfriend for 23 years and 7 months. We have a beautiful and regular sex life that is always top of the line even at our age. As he explains to me, "Making love to you is the best way for me to express how much I love you." Yep, that is how a straight man thinks. We are both so in sync with each other because we know what pleases each other. After more than two decades, I can tell you that he still works just as hard to please me because to him IT IS NOT WORK. It's passion that has built our intimacy to survive those difficult times when sex isn't possible due to medical issues. The medical issues are never an excuse--they are just a delay knowing things will be better and we will be fine. That's the difference between a straight man and a gay man. Straight men want sex with you because you are a woman--gay men don't want sex with you because you are a woman.

In closing, repeat these words every day:

GAY MEN DON'T THINK STRAIGHT--GAY MEN DON'T THINK STRAIGHT.

You'll know you finally understand this when you stop hurting over something you have no control over. Stop personalizing it for the sake of your own mental health. Distance yourself emotionally so that one day you can truly heal. Don't continue to let his homosexuality define who you are. Remember--you are straight and he is gay.

BONNIE KAYE'S STRAIGHT TALK - APRIL, 2016

BONNIE KAYE'S STRAIGHT TALK

APRIL 2016     Volume 17, Issue 174

GAY HUSBANDS AND THE ROBBING OF OUR FEMININE SPIRIT

On my March 28th Bonnie Kaye's Straight Wives Talk Show with my monthly co-host Dr. Brian Hooper, I read a letter from my second newsletter written in April of 2001. It focused on dialogue between a gay ex-husband, Jay, who had recently left his marriage and me. Jay gave me permission to publish our conversation which led me to an epiphany that I always remember. I would like to explain that important realization all of these years later after hearing from tens of thousands more of you.

First I will reprint some of that conversation, and then I will write about what I learned from it.

This is part of the dialogue that started the article:

I am a gay man who was married for 23 years. My ex-wife and I have two
children.  I am writing to encourage you to continue the important work
you are doing.  I only wish that in 1996 when I finally began to come
out that there had been resources such as yours to support our family
through our transition.

I think that both men and women in these circumstances must recognize that there are no winners but there are survivors who create new ways to relate, maintain, support and redefine their family.  In the process of ending my marriage, I lost my best friend and the dream we had of growing old together.  Slowly, we have worked to continue to parent our children in accordance with the many values that we continue to share.  There are many things I would, in retrospect  have done and handled differently, but my single largest regret is that I did not deal with the secret of my sexuality while still in my marriage and in the years of counseling before divorce.  So to those men who you counsel , I would urge them to give the woman they chose to love and bear children the earliest chance to deal with the truth.  They probably will not have a marriage together, but they will at least have a chance of preserving the love that once brought them together with hopes and plans for a lifetime.

There was some more dialogue, but this is how the conversation ended which is the most important part:

I was much more demanding about the order around me when I was married to my ex-wife.  While I still like a nice home, I find I am less compulsive about cleaning and demanding that those around me keep things tidy and neat.  I believe that my need for external order in my prior life was a way of coping with my own internal chaos (and tension created by my attempts to compartmentalize my being.)  Of course, my discomfort with disorder at home also served to legitimize my disappointment in my ex-wife as a homemaker.  "If only she were a better wife.......we would be happy" was my mantra. Indeed, she was disorganized and sloppy, but as it turned out, I have realized that  IF ONLY SHE HAD BEEN A MAN,  I WOULD HAVE BEEN MORE TOLERANT.  Ouch.

In response to Jay's last comments, I wrote these words. This is what he made me realize:

Who would we be today if we had a straight husband? How would our destinies  have changed if we were loved, nurtured, sexually desired with passion and tenderness, given emotional support and encouragement, and made to feel like we were part of a real couple in tune with each other’s needs, wants, and aspirations? What if we didn’t have to spend countless hours each day wondering why we were failures as wives, women, and lovers—ripping away our self-esteem layer by layer until we became strangers unto ourselves and others? What if our husbands’ dishonesty and cheating didn’t change us to become untrusting, suspicious, and doubting wives, forcing us to question our ability to make rational decisions? How many of us were sidetracked through those “detours of deceit” that diverted us from the direction that life might have taken otherwise?

Bottom line—no matter how much a gay man loves a straight woman, it is not the kind of love that fulfills the basic human need that all of us have. It can never be the kind of love that inspires the music that becomes classics or the poetry that makes the heart flutter. It is not the kind of love that can ever be returned to the degree that you are giving it. Even the best of relationships are barely more than great friendships—not the passion and excitement that make us thrive and look forward to waking up each day. And even these relationships are woven with dishonesty, distrust, infidelity, resentment, and frustration. Life was not meant to be this complicated.  

*************************************

Those were my words in 2001. If I had to write this again every year, nothing would change except I would add a few additional thoughts based on your experiences that you shared with me.

Over the past 15 years I have defined what I believe to be the most underwritten, misunderstood or understated problem of this whole picture. Women married to gay men have been robbed of their FEMININE SPIRIT. We, as women, are born with love in our hearts that should be tied into lust in our bodies as we get older. The Feminine Spirit isn't about sex--it's about passion combined with intimacy. It's about your body shaking with anticipation when you are going to be with the man you love or desire. It's about intimacy on both an emotional and physical level. I don't care that men are from Mars and women are from Venus as the saying goes. It's not about your thinking patterns. This is about bodily phyiscal intimacy that goes as deep as your inner soul.

After working with over 2,000 gay men since 2001 in their quests to come out to their wives, I have learned that the love these men felt for you was real--but it was the love they would have for a sister or a "best friend." This is not the love that kindles the feminine spirit that we were blessed with. Rather it dulls it to the point of extinction. How does that candle dim, blow out, and get buried? Let me explain.

When our "best friends" who claim to love us start rejecting us physically early in the marriage, what's the message?

They don't want us. It's that simple.

And here are some "simple truths."

No straight man has one long, continuous migraine over the period of years that stops him from desiring you without his going to a doctor for help. A straight man would be running to a doctor and begging for a cure so he could make love with his wife.

No straight man is too busy with his heavy work load to touch you and fondle you playfully day in and day out. Coming home from too much work makes a straight man want to play to forget his tough day.

No straight man has that much pressure placed on him that he can't relieve his pressure by making love to his wife instead of pulling away from her. When straight men feel stressed out, they want sex as a stress reliever.

Yes, ladies--that's the truth. If the only man you've ever had is your gay husband, then you have never known the real truth. It is so much easier to believe your gay husband when he tells you to stop acting like a silly teenager or stop watching so many Hallmark romance movies that give you ideas that aren't true except in the movies.

As any of us who have learned better will tell you--those are lies they are telling you. We know because a number of our women remarry or find new relationships where sex is a priority no matter how many other things are going on. They will tell you this next truth:

Healthy straight men want sex...and lots of it.

And when they have a loving woman beside them, they want it with her. Okay, maybe in 30 or 40 years it will change like your gay husbands keep telling you when you bring up the subject. But not in the first year or five years or ten years while you are only in your 30's or 40's. 

Now if your gay husband could at least take the responsibility of saying that there was something wrong with him and not with you, that would be a little better.  It would be fairer than those husbands who blame you for not being attractive enough....thin enough...heavy enough...sexy enough...adventurous enough (meaning you aren't willing to have a 3-some with another man or use sexual equipment in his rear end)..supportive enough...understanding enough...and the list goes on.

But although it would be a little better, it still would never be good enough because it is not the truth. 

Then he comes up with the famous line, "NO ONE WILL EVER LOVE YOU AS MUCH AS I LOVE YOU."  Raise your hand high right in back of my hand if you've heard this line before. I learned from my gay husband that L-O-V-E is just another 4-letter word. 

The sad thing is that sexual rejection on a physical, mental, intimate, and emotional level gets you to start believing these words. And then you start making excuses for his behaviors:

....He's right. My friends don't talk about having sex that much.

....He's willing to put up with my faults.

....He doesn't hit me.

....He's good to the children.

....He loves me--and he tells me that all of the time. You can't have everything.....

Guess what, ladies? You don't have anything except a roommate. But it's worse because a roommate doesn't pretend to love you like a wife. A roommate doesn't sit and lie to you on this level making you feel bad about yourself as a woman and as a human being day in and day out. A roommate wouldn't make you are sexually mutated unable to think, want, or desire sex anymore because that feminine spirit that you had was never nurtured or grown--it was stunted, mutilated, and suffocated by your "best friend" who couldn't be honest with you.

Sadly, too many of our women don't realize that the most important gift of nature that they were blessed with was torn away in the name of "love."

I ask these men who come to me (usually after they fall in love/lust with another man) how they would feel if their new gay partner would refuse to have sex with them or tell them that they aren't sexy enough....big enough....smooth enough...smell good enough...etc. on a regular basis. How would they feel if their new men would constantly tell them to stop thinking about sex so much or turn away from them in the bedroom instead of having an intimate moment. I try to get them to see how you are feeling now in your marriage and why they need to tell you the truth.

Do they get it? Yep. Will they do it? Sometimes. Will they come up with reasons why they can't do it? Yes. And the most popular reason they give is.....(drum roll)

TOO MANY PEOPLE WILL BE HURT

Think about it. Too many people. Who are these people? What should come before the love a husband has for his wife? Who promised to love you, cherish you, comfort you, take care of you no matter what? Shouldn't the wife be person number ONE? Shouldn't your feelings come before all others? Wasn't that what the marriage vows were about?

What he is saying is that his family outside of you, his friends, and co-workers may not be happy if they learn the truth. Maybe they will reject him the way you are feeling rejected. Of course he doesn't believe you feel that way. And he will justify in his own mind how you couldn't possibly feel that way because he is a "good husband."

Why? He will say that he is a good husband...a good father...a good provider...someone you can count on. Except for that little thing called sex....and let's face it...he'll tell you that takes up the "least amount of time" in a relationship.

He still doesn't get it.

He doesn't get the fact that he has stolen your feminine spirit from you. He has taken away that piece of you that makes you a woman instead of a machine. Your heart that used to flutter with excitement now sits like a lump of clay within your chest. He has caused you to believe that sex is something that you are not worthy of.

How many years will it take you to rebuild your sexual esteem? Some women never do, and that's the tragedy. My marriage ended when I was young--at the age of 33. I believed at that time that I was finished with sex. I had no feminine spirit left in me. It was beaten down and tucked away for the next 11 years.

I was happy being celibate for many of those years. I was busy going raising my children, going to school, and working two jobs. I found other ways to build my self-esteem and never felt that I was missing anything without having a soulmate in my life. I was woman hear me roar--and roar I did. I rebuilt my sense of who I was and what my purpose was. Rebuilding self-esteem is really the key to finding your sexual esteem again.

Then one day my desire returned, and I realized it was time to fall in love again. This time, however, it would be out of desire--not out of need. I never wanted to feel needy again which so many of us do in time when spending your marriage with someone who acts like he doesn't really need you. One day nearly 25 years ago, my soulmate came into my life and my heart hasn't stopped beating strong since that day. I was lucky to be able to rebuild my life because I was relatively young.

For women who flounder in these sexless, emotionless, lack of intimacy type marriages for years and years, there is often no desire to re-find the feminine spirit. It's been so badly damaged that the thought of reviving or awakening it seems almost impossible. For our women who only had one man in their lives--namely their gay husbands--they don't believe that they are going to be able to ever meet anyone now that they are 60 or above. They were "good girls" in the 1950's and 1960's when they were taught that sex had to wait until marriage. Some of them were even taught that sex was for the purpose of reproduction of children and not to be enjoyed. That sure made it easy for their gay husbands to say, "No," as they made you feel abnormal for wanting to be normal.

The new normal became a life void of physical and sexual intimacy or even affection.  Those little robotical "kissing pecks" were the most you could expect--if that. If there was sex on some rare occasion, it was in the dark of the night where you weren't very easily visualized (whew) and served as a vessel. You could have just as easily been a can of Crisco or jar of Vaseline. You may have believed that this was "sex," but it wasn't. It was just a sexual act. It wasn't out of sexual desire, but rather out of sexual "obligation." It wasn't making love.

And that's what angers me most of all. Something that is so precious and beautiful that makes our hearts sing and bodies shake with the ultimate excitement has been buried before it ever had a chance to get started. This is something that our husbands steal from us we need to understand.

August Newsletter! Bonnie Kaye Straight Talk

Bonnie Kaye’s Straight Talk Newsletter

AUGUST 2014     Volume 15, Issue 155

Bonnie’s Mantras:

LIFE WAS NEVER MEANT TO BE THIS COMPLICATED. PERIOD.

YOU CAN'T FIX A BROKEN MAN--BUT HE CAN BREAK YOU!

Help support Bonnie’s mission to help women and men in pain. Purchase her books from her website at www.Bonniekayebooks.com

NEXT HEALING WEEKEND: CALIFORNIA HERE WE COME!!

My next healing weekend will be in Los Angeles, California. It will take place on September 20/21. If you are interested in receiving details, please write to me at Bonkaye@aol.com and write "California Info" in the subject box. Our healing weekends are a place where women can meet, share, bond--and never even say a word--but you'll want to! We will also have some wonderful guest speakers to inspire you in your future paths of recovery!

Please like my new FB page at Bonnie Kaye, Author. Thanks!

STRAIGHT WIVES AND POST TRAUMATIC STRESS

Many of us who live in or come out of mis-marriages to gay men have lots of untangling to do after the emotional and sometimes physical abuse of living for years with lies and deception. As a result, some of us go through the condition called Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

Mary Ann Glynn, a therapist who appears on my show several times a year, has recently released a new app that she developed called "Mind Warrior." She states:

For those caught in a relationship with a sociopath, the brain’s response to the ongoing trauma puts us in “survival mode” and we can lose our grip on the ability to cope (choose positive and healthy ways of feeling).  Indeed, we can be stuck in the cycle of abuse and deception, which produces feelings of confusion, unsafety, self-doubt, and hyper vigilance, so that our ability to focus our attention on our needs or even be connected to ourselves fades.  Then we begin to break down, unravel, and lose ourselves.

Recognizing that the reaction in the present as basically triggering a flashback is very empowering!  It starts to put us back in the driver’s seat.  The beauty of consciously addressing the trauma of being in a destructive relationship in a strange way forces us to heal any connected underlying trauma as well.

Mind Warrior™ helps you do exactly that.  It takes you through the steps of recognizing and connecting to the trigger.  It then provides a variety of ways to take action to move along the negative feeling state and feel better.  As you practice this you realize that you can better control those conditioned responses and flashbacks, care for and recover yourself faster, all the while strengthening your coping skills instead of continuing to lose them.  The connection to self prevents further loss of self and builds the self-esteem and strength you need to go forward in a positive way.

Mind Warrior™ has features that promote the focused attention that increases neuroplasticity, and keeps you on track and encouraged:

1. Trigger, Assess and Take Action pages take you through the steps to connect to the trigger, take action and track it to a better place
2. Substance and Compulsive Behavior Trigger page can help to keep you from being lured back into the relationship, or resorting to addictive behaviors.
3. Daily Focus page helps visualize and plan your day ahead with awareness and control.
4. Weekly Review page helps to view success, plan for the week ahead, and stay focused.
5. Lifestyle Goals page helps plan for goals for overall well-being.
6. History saves all input so you can track your progress.
7. Email Option – you can email any inputted information to connect to others, to begin to come out of the isolation of being in a destructive relationship.  You can also email input to a therapist or sponsor to aid therapy and reach your goals.

To learn more about Mind Warrior, you can go to the FB page and please click "Like"! or you can purchase it from the iTunes App Store or Google Play.

Mary Ann will be my guest next Sunday night, August 10th. If you would like to learn more about this inexpensive method of getting help for yourself when you just can't afford to go to a therapist, please tune in. Here is the link to the show. Just copy it into your browser on the night of the broadcast or following it. Airtime is 10 p.m. EST.

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/bonnielkaye/2014/08/11/straight-wives-talk-show

A WONDERFUL OPPORTUNITY FOR OUR WOMEN

Let's be honest--the overwhelming majority of us are in the helping profession. It's no accident as I've stated many times. Last week, Dr. Karin Huffer appeared on my Straight Wives Talk Show. She is an amazing international authority on advocacy for people with disabilities who have to go to court for many different issues. The great thing that Dr. Huffer revealed is that when you come out of a marriage with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, this is accepted as a disability, so you qualify to have a trained advocate with you in court as you go through the process. For many of our women, this is a new field that you can get certified in through Kings College which offers the course.

The six-week online course starting in September is held on Thursday afternoons for three hours and can be accessed from any computer. The cost includes the book and materials. You get a certificate and a badge for court when you complete the course.

Wouldn't it be wonderful if straight wives could get certified and help other straight wives in court? Dr. Huffer was amazing. She speaks all over the world on behalf of those who can't speak for themselves. Please listen to the program that aired last week. Here is the link to the show that you can cut and paste into your browser.

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/bonnielkaye/2014/07/21/straight-wives-talk-show

If you sign up for the course early, you get a nice discount. People from all walks of life take this course, and if you are in the helping field, it would be excellent for you. Write to me if you need more information or to Dr. Huffer at: legalabuse@gmail.com if you would like to take part now or in the future classes.

OH WHAT A MONTH...AND WHAT A NEWSLETTER

This has been a very difficult month for me--thanks to my wonderful, dedicated, and loving readers who responded to my request to answer two letters sent to me by two different gay husbands. My heart hurt for you more this month than ever as I read over 87 responses from around the world. I don't think I've had this kind of "concentrated anger" in all my years of working with straight wives. It really brought me down to crying on some days. Why? Because when I read the letters you sent to me, and I added up all of the years of unhappiness, confusion, and self-erosion, it came to hundreds and hundreds of collective years. Years that you will never be able to get back. Years that you could have had a man who loved you for being a woman. Years of living in the darkness of your husbands' closets. How could I not be sad? I will be sharing some of these letters in my newsletters this month and next month. I will be sharing segments of all of your letters in a document I put together. When it is completed in the fall, I'll offer it to each and every one of you. Thank you for having the courage to articulate so beautifully what your husbands/ex-husbands need to know. And here we go!

Narcissus,

You knew when you married her that you had experienced same sex attraction, did you tell her before you married her? I am guessing you did not and, if you did, you presented just as you did above – as something everyone does to see what kind of sex they like. In your 20s your sexual orientation had already begun to alter the relationship and damage your wife’s self esteem. You indicate she was dissatisfied with the frequency of sex and she brought up more than once; how many times would have gotten your attention? She gave up. Think about this, you are Gay, you didn’t want to have sex with a woman, no matter how fond you were of her. So, every time she wanted sex, you didn’t. As a woman we are taught men always want sex. Her husband didn’t. She brought it up, apparently you didn’t. Her conclusion would have been that she was not desirable. In a way, she wasn’t desirable, at least not to you, her sex partner. Every time you looked at her you would have had a slightly disappointed look. When she wanted sex your look might have even been disdain or revulsion. Maybe the look was quick but I guarantee she caught it and it was devastating. Of course you grew apart, by 30 having a husband who doesn’t want to have sex with her had destroyed her sexual self. No wonder your “I love you’s” were a quick peck, she could probably read the relief on your face and may have felt grateful you would even allow her repellant self that close. You may have been living the American Dream but your wife was living in a hell that you and your lies constructed, and then you started to drink to numb your pain. What about your family’s pain and confusion? You let your wife and family believe that alcohol killed your relationship and you’re still trying to convince yourself the alcohol was at fault. You are even considering letting that myth survive a divorce in which you are leaving for another man.

The logic of your comment that if you had to give up your happiness to be a good husband she had to pay the price of you staying eludes me. Did she know what she was buying? No she did not, because you had not told her. When your pain became unbearable you started to cheat and you cheated a lot. Then when you met Mr. Right you realized your marriage was over.

Why would you need to be honest now? How will she ever recover from what you’ve done to her if she doesn’t even know what happened. Oh yeah, you really don’t care about her happiness or you would’ve been honest 23 years ago and let her know what she needed to know to maybe find some happiness herself.

It’s also time for honesty and ownership of what you’ve done. You didn’t choose to be Gay but you did choose this path, and you need to do everything in your power to fix it. She will be angry. Narcissus, you’ve been lying to her and cheating on her and, assuming she hasn’t been cheating on you, you have deprived her of 25 years of a Straight relationship with someone who desired her, someone who thought she was sexy rather than a burden. The price you have to pay for 25 years of avoiding the emotions is to experience them now. Practice the phrase “I am sorry; I did this to you; I should have told you; you didn’t deserve this; this is all my fault.” Say it to her repeatedly, say it every time she is sad, angry, anxious, bewildered, and certainly say it when she is devastated. You did this, you must pay the piper.

Why didn’t you tell her as soon as you began to struggle with your sexuality in the marriage? We both know it was because you were afraid she would leave you. Now that you have the man of your dreams, you don’t need her anymore. Lucky you, she’ll probably continue to mother your children. You know that feeling you feel about your guy? She felt that about you and you disappeared, first into a glass of alcohol, then into a bar, then into a Gay bar, and now you’re about to disappear into another relationship. You wanted to be her husband and live the life of a Gay single at the same time, so here’s your chance, give her everything but the debts. Continue to pay for everything, treat her well and with kindness. It is time for you to make both the sacrifice and amends.  Patti

Dear Bonnie,

I would encourage all gay men who are married to be honest with their wives. It is the absolute right thing to do. It will help give her closure the validation she deserves. She has spent some years with you  dedicated to you and her family. She has felt rejected day after day year after year. Rejected as a woman. Her self esteem has been shattered. Even though she probably does not approach you for sex any longer she knows you don't want her and she believes something is wrong with her. She knows something is not right in the marriage but just does not know what it is and she spends all her time trying to make things right. If you knew the pain you have already caused her would you want her pain to continue. As you leave to live your new life it would only be selfish not to allow her to do the same.

I was unknowingly married to a gay man for 22 years. He never had the courage to tell me the truth. At the end of our marriage I did question him and he broke all contact with me.  After 22 years he cut me out of his life like I was nothing. I know he never loved me but I at least thought we were friends. I had to accept that it was all a lie. It was so hard to understand after all the years we were together.

I did think of him and how hard it must have been for him to live with me all those years when he could not have real love feelings towards a woman.

I think it broke both of us living this lie. He knew it was a lie. I did not know. I don't know how he can truly live an authentic life without complete honesty.

I believe he came out to himself but only to himself he will never admit the truth to me or his family.

It would have helped the healing process if he could have been honest but instead he blamed me for everything wrong in his life.

I pray that we can both find peace.  Debbie

Bonnie, 

Thank you. . . thank you. . for  that you do.  I apologize but I had to stop reading because as usual, it brought memories, sadness, confusion, and an over-abundance of emotions and tears and internal pain to me.  I began reading and thinking, "I" can do what Bonnie is asking and I can help.  Reading the first gay husband statement about how he now realizes he must have caused his wife such sadness, pain, and confusion broke me down.  Every day I get up with the intention of being "me" and being strong and being an advocate for myself and other women, but then the pain comes again and the memories that just flood me.  Those words brought so much overwhelmed feelings to me.  I am grateful to the gay man who wrote them but it brings back pain  . . concealment. . . lies. . deception. . confusion. . pain (internal, physical, and emotional). . . and brings back that feeling of being trapped. . . wanting to believe, wanting to love, wanting to be loyal, wanting a family, and just knowing in my gut that life would only get worse for the children and I if I ever left.  

I am so grateful that there are gay men willing to step up, speak, realize, and understand. . . but it takes a very unique gay man.  I can not go in to the memory vault and I can never relive the words and actions that kept me feeling so trapped but I can say it has been a long life of emotional torture since a young age that has brought me such physical pain and emotional pain. . . but more importantly my children as well. . . OUR children.  

I want to speak to gay men.  I want them to understand.  I want them to know me and know truly what it did to me.  I refuse to be angry for their homosexuality.  I am a firm believer that everyone deserves to love who they choose and that homosexuality is NOT wrong because it is who they are. . . but it is all about the treatment, the lies, the deception, the narcissism, and the emotional abuse and more.  Today I still firmly believe  I would take endless punches to one emotional blow from my gay ex-husband. . . the threats, the intimidation, the put-downs, the confusion, and the latent (and many times obvious) innuendos about what would be done to me and the children if I left, and, of course, the many "I am not gay, I love you, you are the best wife in the world, you are just crazy and making things up in your mind again" remarks.  All of this became an internal battle for me -- mind, body, soul . . . head telling me one thing, body feeling the pain, and gut telling me another.  End result: Confusion, illness, pain, sadness, and much, much more.  

Please Bonnie, reach out to these men.  Teach them.  Guide them.  Support them.  Make them understand. But more importantly, help the women and children who are victims in this.  I love you for all that you do and the person that you are and I do feel confident that if there is anyone in the world that can give guidance it is you!!!!

Love you.  Aimee

Hi Bonnie 

I have been reading your newsletter for over 2 years now and it has been a lifesaver, I mean that quite literally. I seriously thought I was the only one and knowing that others have gone through the same trauma has helped enormously and I have learned so much from other women's experiences. I have never felt I needed to contribute my experience until this newsletter but I would like to send a message to the two men you mention. 

I was 62 when my husband announced he was gay and was leaving; I am 64 now. We were married for 30 years and I knew something was amiss but I didn't know what. I had come to the conclusion that he was slightly autistic and could not demonstrate closeness in a relationship. When he told me he was gay all the jigsaw pieces that were my marriage fell into place and I understood immediately what had been wrong. In some ways it was a relief but I was ill prepared for the aftermath. When you split up from a heterosexual relationship you can hold the preceding years as good. When your partner tells you he is gay he obliterates your shared past. It is gone and no amount of reassurance can ever convince you otherwise.

In many ways my husband was a good partner. He was affectionate, caring and supportive. In some ways this only made it worse and if he had been abusive then I might have bailed sooner. This in no way minimises the horrendous tales of physical and mental abuse that I have read in your newsletters and maybe I would not have bailed and simply survived as any of your contributors had to do. 

My message to the two men is very simple. Everyone is entitled to the truth about their life and to be enabled to make an informed decision about what they may or may not want to do. Any deviation from this can never be interpreted in any other way than exceptionally selfish and will not and cannot be seen as protective or caring. The longer they leave their wives in ignorance, the more damage they will do. However difficult their own lives have been they were always operating from a position of strength as they knew the truth. This may be difficult to understand. Ignorance is not bliss, it is dis-empowering and damaging. I am not sure I will ever recover totally, I have a daily and possibly a permanent battle to hold on to some truth about my relationship with my ex. It morphs and shifts depending on my mood. My ex feels we should be friends and that he did and does love me. What errant nonsense, if he did he would never have used my precious time in this way. I of course never loved him as he hid himself from me and the person I loved simply didn't exist. 

Man up, own up, it is the only moral road. All else is cowardice. As for the fears about the divorce settlement...no worries there if my experience is anything to go by. You would think that they had some sense of reparation and feel that they owe their wives something if only money, but apparently not.   Leslie

Hi Bonnie
 What an interesting July News Letter and I am eager to put forward my thoughts in an email to you on the two letters from the gay husbands, as I am sure many of your other readers will be too. 

So here goes !  I will try and sound positive and not sound too bitter when it comes to my thoughts. 
If I were to put myself in their shoes I can see why they do it.  They have so much to lose, both financially and emotionally.  However, what happened to moral ethics.  It is so very wrong for one human being to be so cruel to another human whom they are suppose to love.   More importantly many times these men are putting their wives' health at risk by having clandestine meetings with other gay men that they know nothing about for sex and then sleeping with their wives.   Then there is the psychological damage they do to their wives' self esteem and confidence.   Women are very sensitive to emotional withdrawal and changes to their husband's persona.  When you love someone as much as we women love our husbands it destroys us when our emotional and physical love is not reciprocated and is withdrawn from us and we have no idea why things have changed.  To experience that is mental torture.  We lie awake at night blaming ourselves, wondering what we are doing wrong.   

When I think back on the last 15 years of my marriage, prior to my coming to my senses and taking on board what you told me eight years prior,  I cannot help but wonder how different life would have been if he had done the right thing by me and not for himself.  People say to me that if I had ended the marriage the day I discovered the gay porn etc., I would have missed out on numerous happy occasions with him.   I agree, but, I would have been young enough to have met someone else and perhaps my life would be more fulfilling.  But instead I suffered the ups and downs of my husband going in and out of moods where he was fighting the urges to meet men for sex.  In addition I would now have found myself in my early 50s with the prospects of possibly being on my own for the rest of my life with no one to grow old with.  

Would it not be more honest, and selfless,  not to waste another human being's life for your own selfish reasons.  I can only talk from my own experience here but I am sure others will see something of themselves in this.   If my husband had had the courage or the moral obligation to be honest with me that he is gay and prefers men to me then  I could have moved on with my life.  But he kept assuring me that he wanted to grow old with me and that he did not want the gay life.  He acknowledges now that "he wanted his cake and to eat it too" even though eventually it was to the expense of wasting all the years we were together.  Our whole marriage was a sham.   If I could turn back the clock to that fateful day I would have preferred my husband to have just been honest with me and to have encouraged me, albeit it would have been a devastating blow, to move on with my life without him. 

So  yes I think these men should think of their wives first and not themselves.  Yes OK their wives are going to be absolutely distraught and devastated initially.  However, is it not better to end things whilst they are still young enough to make a new life with someone else than let things go on until the wife is left with no self esteem or  confidence and has also lost the trust in having another relationship with a man. 

HONESTY IS BEST
With kindest regards      Angela

Ok, here is my two cents!! The wife deserves to know why her marriage isn't working. She deserves to know that the demise of the marriage is not her fault!! The wife deserves to feel period. Stand up and own what and who you have become and let the cards fall where they may. If you are worried about someone making a fuss then grow up. Being gay is not your fault but you have to own up to the circumstances and let your wife and family grieve the loss of the life they probably always wanted. If you are worried about the people finding out that your gay then get over it, you are. To me, if u want to get divorced first so your wife doesn't rake u over the coals in a divorce than that is selfish. It's also selfish if you

Don't want to hurt her, guess what, it's already too late. You have been hurting her already and you want to keep her in the dark just so u can be happy! She deserves to be happy too!! 

Bonnie it's really hard to be nice!! These are my thoughts. I feel that all of these guys listening to the other gay men are just cowards. Tara

Thank you, ladies, for your kind words. More will be printed in the September newsletter. Now, to end on a positive note!!!

A woman who is part of our support network wrote to me that her life has moved on after almost 40 years. I know so many of our women are afraid to take that step after being in a relationship for 20, 30, 40 or more years. It is scary--and you've had lots of time to lose yourselves in the process.

I asked this woman if she could write a note of encouragement to women who have been in long-term relationships. I think her words will help many of you.

Movin' On

As we go together to the courthouse, shove the papers across the window to the clerk, she gives us a startled look. "You've been married a very long time," she observes. "Almost 40 years," I reply. After turning the papers in, we shake hands--first time we have touched in six months. That morning, we sat together at the bank, disentangling our checking accounts. We go back to the house after filing the divorce papers, and he naps on the couch while I repose in the spare bedroom. We wake up, and I say, "Let's go out to dinner." We head out, and I treat him to a celebratory "beginning of the end of marriage" dinner.

I spend the night on my friend Susan's comfortable couch. Back I go to the house the next morning. "Time to get the wedding ring cut off," he announces. We traipse down to the jewelry store where three years ago I got a new fancy wedding ring. His wedding band is plain gold, but it was my grandmother's wedding band from 1914, engraved on the inside of the ring. She wore it for fifty years, and he has worn it for almost forty.

It cuts his finger when he pulls it off, blood following the ring. He solemnly hands it back to me. I slip it into my purple wallet. He dabs at the blood with his handkerchief. He takes me out to lunch. Our uncoupling officially started six months ago, when I went to the desert southwest by myself for the winter. This is our first separation ever, at least physically. Our emotional separation is much longer. At least 20 years...at least. But we used to be happy, loving, and best friends. What happened?

Twenty years ago he had surgery for prostate cancer. It was a huge turning point in our

marriage. Our sex life before that had been okay, not great. I almost always initiated it. I knew he didn't seem to like sex as much as I did. But the result of the prostate cancer surgery, permanent impotence, proved to be a huge test for both of us. Neither of us passed that test.

Unbeknownst to me, he turned to watching gay videos. About five and a half years ago, I found them--almost 400 of them! He tried to tell me it wasn't a big deal, it was just a "collection." Then I found gay books. Gay books on the bookshelf. Gay books on his phone. He grew even less affectionate than he had been, and he was never very affectionate. He didn't like to hug or kiss. He rejected any advances, almost recoiled. I was hurt, angry and frustrated, while trying to remain true to my wedding vows and understand his frustration as a sexually impotent male.

At that point I found Bonnie on the Internet, but I still wasn't ready to leave the marriage. Several things happened in the past year to push me to make that decision. One of our adult sons discovered the gay videos (he really wasn't hiding them!) and confronted him about being a closeted gay man. He refused to discuss it at all, which led to a permanent estrangement between them. (Their relationship had been strained anyway.)

And I had left the house one day for about 10 minutes and came back to find him watching gay porn on the computer. He acted as if it wasn't a big deal. What did he do if I was gone for a couple of hours? A couple of days? I was hurt and angry all over again.

He started getting into arguments with our friends, and being withdrawn or negative at social events. I wonder now if he was trying to push me away?

So I left for six months, a trial separation. We didn't talk, only emailed. This was hard, because, like many of you, he had been my best friend once, and I missed him. Or I missed what we used to have together, or what I thought we had together. It's not simple, or clear-cut. These mixed emotions are quite normal.

Two weeks after I left, a guy I had grown up with got in touch with me. We hadn't seen each other since we were kids. We talked on the phone for hours and hours (we live in different states) and decided to get together to see how it would be in person. He was great! He is straight! And what a huge difference! He wants to hold my hand, and hug me. We enjoy many of the same activities, and want to see each other again. It's developed into a serious relationship.

The divorce will be final in a few weeks, and I am moving on. There is always hope, and you don't know what's at the other end. It takes courage, resolve, and a little help from your friends, but even after forty years, there is light on the other side. So, get a move on, Straight Sister s! It will get better!

Love, A Straight Sister!

Have a peaceful month!

Love, Bonnie