BONNIE KAYE'S STRAIGHT TALK
JANUARY 2018 Volume 18,
Issue 188
Bonnie’s Mantra:
LIFE WAS NEVER MEANT TO BE THIS COMPLICATED. PERIOD.
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ON DR. KINSEY
It's interesting. In my last newsletter, I wrote about
the confusion of the Kinsey Scale of Human Sexuality. Over the years I often
thought to myself, "What kind of man could possibly come up with a scale with
so many ridiculous categories when it could be as simple as
"straight" or "not straight?" How much thought would that
have taken?
After the article last month, one of my readers was kind
enough to send me some very interesting information about the famous--or shall
I say infamous--Dr. Kinsey. The information was beyond interesting--it was
chilling. In fact, I'll say downright frightening. After doing some serious
research with lots of confirmation information, here's what I learned about
this "doctor" of perversion.
This was the information she shared:
"Quote from New York Times book review of his biography: “Kinsey presented himself to the world as a scientist
and a conventional husband and father -- Professor Kinsey, whom even his wife
called Prok. It was an essential disguise for a man exploring controversial
territory, but he was in fact far more complex. James H. Jones, a historian at
the University of Houston, reveals in this rich, awkward biography that Kinsey
was energetically bisexual -- Jones says ''homosexual'' despite Kinsey's
continuing sexual relationship with his wife -- and a serious masochist. Kinsey
also organized group sex among his senior staff, their spouses and outside
volunteers, which he observed and had filmed, evidently to condition his
investigators to their work and bond them together under his paternal authority
as well as to record sexual behavior directly.”
Kinsey was bisexual and,
as a young man, would punish himself for having homoerotic feelings. He
and his wife agreed that both could have sex with other people as well as with
each other. He himself had sex with other men, including his student Clyde Martin.
After
receiving this information, I went online to research more about Kinsey. I never
believed a man who was "straight" would ever come up with a 7-point
scale of sexuality. In fact, I asked 11 of my straight male friends how they
felt about the scale--and they laughed. A few if then snickered. But none of
them bought it. And these were men who weren't homophobic in any way--but they
were straight. I asked three of my gay male friends about their thoughts about
Kinsey, and they didn't buy it either. They claimed you are or you're not--and
if you're are, you can pretend you're
not--but you are. They also believed that it was "yes" or
"no."
But
getting back to the research--there were some controversies that many of us did
not know about. This information was found in a number of sources on the
Internet. According to one column that quoted Kinsey expert Dr. Judith Reisman
from her book Sex, Lies, and Kinsey:
Kinsey solicited and encouraged
pedophiles, at home and abroad, to sexually violate from 317 to 2,035 infants
and children for his alleged data on normal “child sexuality.” Many of the
crimes against children (oral and anal sodomy, genital intercourse and manual
abuse) committed for Kinsey’s research are quantified in his own graphs and
charts.
“Table 34” on
page 180 of Kinsey’s “Sexual Behavior in the Human Male” claims to be a
“scientific” record of “multiple orgasm in pre-adolescent males.” Here, infants
as young as five months were timed with a stopwatch for “orgasm” by Kinsey’s
“technically trained” aides, with one four-year-old tested 24 consecutive hours
for an alleged 26 “orgasms.” Sex educators, pedophiles and their advocates
commonly quote these child “data” to prove children’s need for homosexual,
heterosexual and bisexual satisfaction via “safe-sex” education. These data are
also regularly used to “prove” children are sexual from birth.
The
man heralded with enthusiasm by mainstream publications such as Time and Life
Magazine was nothing less
than a monstrous facilitator of child-rape. In fact, he even went so far as to
record children shrieking and thrashing in pain, passing out and convulsing as
the result of the hellish abuse he was putting them through, as evidence of
“orgasm”—especially for children who could not yet speak.
I
find this information highly disturbing--and this was the tip of the iceberg of
accusations against Kinsey. To find this man a "credible" source of
reason has been totally tossed off my list of any credibility after reading how
his research was conducted and who it was conducted with. Of course, Kinsey had
a defense for all of the accusations including that he only interviewed one
pedophile for his research, and not the 9 he stated in the book. So does the
information of 1 pedophile serve as credible information? Actually, does the
information from 100 pedophiles make a difference when they talk about the age
when a child is having an orgasm? So this sadistic pervert won't be noted in
any more of my writings. And those who use his "scales" as proof need
to rethink their source of "misinformation."
WHERE I
STAND...AGAIN
Each month
when I post my newsletter on my blog, I have a a number of responses. Most
people I hear from truly appreciate my words; however, a few do not. They
challenge me and question my credibility, and I try to respond honestly based
on my years of experience (nearly 35 years) and the thousands of people I have
worked with during that time.
Is my way
the only way? Of course not. I never say I speak for everyone in the whole wide
world--just for those who are experiencing the pain that I experienced from
being married to a gay husband. I never tell people what they "have to
do" or "should do" if they want to do something totally
different than what I believe is right. In fact, I always try to find extra
resources for them so they can meet others who feel as they do.
One man
wanted me to post these and other challenging remarks on my blog, but I didn't
accept the comments because my blog is not a dispute board. However, I did tell
him I would discuss his feelings in my upcoming newsletter with my response. Here
is what he had to say and my response:
Chip has left
a new comment on your post "GAY
MEN DON'T THINK STRAIGHT!!":
Though it may come as a shock to her, Bonnie Kaye does not have the self-righteous monopoly on this issue. I am another example of where her myopic world view misses the mark.
I was a husband, am a father, and my ex-wife's discovery of my same-sex inclinations resulted in the break up my marriage and family. It devastated my ex-wife -- as it did me. We are now trying to get on with the new "normality".
In the months following my wife's discovery of my reality (and my simultaneous discovery of a fledgling affair of her own), I felt like I was at ground zero of a bomb blast, yet somehow survived. I began searching for clarity on both my side of the situation as well as my ex-wife's.
I know I can't speak for many other men in this situation, but in my case, I am, without doubt, predominantly attracted to females in all aspects (physically, sexually, emotionally, spiritually). My same sex interest is, and always has been, fairly limited in scope due to its origins and has proven to be much better in "theory" than in "practice". According to Bonnie Kaye and her ilk, however, this is not possible. I must be deluding myself and am simply in denial. If I followed her advice, accepted "reality", and lived as a gay man, it would be an absurd disaster (but great material for a sitcom). I would make a pathetic partner for some poor gay dude. I would always be instinctively checking out the women and secretly watching female porn. It wouldn't be long before that poor soul would be accusing me of being "straight in denial" and merely using him as a "draeb" (that would be "beard" beard spelled backwards). But to Bonnie, I am a unicorn. I do not exist. I am a "GHID". Am I 100% straight? Hell no, and I'm perfectly fine with that. What I find ridiculous is being told repeatedly, by ill-informed people, that the world is binary when it simply is not. "If you ain't straight, you're GAY!" Yea, right.
I have spent hours reading the stories of women who have been in the shoes of my ex-wife and I have become increasingly sympathetic to their plight. The storied are heart-wrenching. Meanwhile, I am empathetic to the silent counterparties in these stories -- the men who made very bad choices and hurt the people in their lives. Reading much of the commentary here, and reading/listening to Bonnie Kaye and her ilk would have me believe that I am an incorrigible piece of self-delusional, "narcissistic" piece of crap beyond any hope of self-discovery and self-improvement. Certainly some of these men are very bad and abusive men, but the majority are probably guys like me: generally well-meaning, non-abusive guys who made horrible choices that they deeply regret and who are trying to find a way to put their lives back together just as their ex-wives are trying to do.
Sure, there are many guys who really would prefer to live a gay life but chose otherwise when they married a woman and these guys certainly should move on with the life suited to them. But, for those of us that move on and find a new girlfriend or wife, we are just accused of hiding behind another "beard", when in fact, being with a woman in all respects is the most natural thing we know.
I am not defending my actions of breaching the trust of my ex-wife. That was my failure. That I truly regret. That I own. I have learned some tough lessons and it will not happen with my new wife. My need to unfulfilling explore fantasies is nowhere near my need to live with integrity in the best way that I can. I have learned very painfully that it is not worth it - at least for me.
I imagine Bonnie Kaye she has helped some people and may have some valid perspectives, but the bitterness, ire, inaccuracy, and self-contradiction of her relentless invective create a cacophony of distraction when what is most needed is clarity.
Though it may come as a shock to her, Bonnie Kaye does not have the self-righteous monopoly on this issue. I am another example of where her myopic world view misses the mark.
I was a husband, am a father, and my ex-wife's discovery of my same-sex inclinations resulted in the break up my marriage and family. It devastated my ex-wife -- as it did me. We are now trying to get on with the new "normality".
In the months following my wife's discovery of my reality (and my simultaneous discovery of a fledgling affair of her own), I felt like I was at ground zero of a bomb blast, yet somehow survived. I began searching for clarity on both my side of the situation as well as my ex-wife's.
I know I can't speak for many other men in this situation, but in my case, I am, without doubt, predominantly attracted to females in all aspects (physically, sexually, emotionally, spiritually). My same sex interest is, and always has been, fairly limited in scope due to its origins and has proven to be much better in "theory" than in "practice". According to Bonnie Kaye and her ilk, however, this is not possible. I must be deluding myself and am simply in denial. If I followed her advice, accepted "reality", and lived as a gay man, it would be an absurd disaster (but great material for a sitcom). I would make a pathetic partner for some poor gay dude. I would always be instinctively checking out the women and secretly watching female porn. It wouldn't be long before that poor soul would be accusing me of being "straight in denial" and merely using him as a "draeb" (that would be "beard" beard spelled backwards). But to Bonnie, I am a unicorn. I do not exist. I am a "GHID". Am I 100% straight? Hell no, and I'm perfectly fine with that. What I find ridiculous is being told repeatedly, by ill-informed people, that the world is binary when it simply is not. "If you ain't straight, you're GAY!" Yea, right.
I have spent hours reading the stories of women who have been in the shoes of my ex-wife and I have become increasingly sympathetic to their plight. The storied are heart-wrenching. Meanwhile, I am empathetic to the silent counterparties in these stories -- the men who made very bad choices and hurt the people in their lives. Reading much of the commentary here, and reading/listening to Bonnie Kaye and her ilk would have me believe that I am an incorrigible piece of self-delusional, "narcissistic" piece of crap beyond any hope of self-discovery and self-improvement. Certainly some of these men are very bad and abusive men, but the majority are probably guys like me: generally well-meaning, non-abusive guys who made horrible choices that they deeply regret and who are trying to find a way to put their lives back together just as their ex-wives are trying to do.
Sure, there are many guys who really would prefer to live a gay life but chose otherwise when they married a woman and these guys certainly should move on with the life suited to them. But, for those of us that move on and find a new girlfriend or wife, we are just accused of hiding behind another "beard", when in fact, being with a woman in all respects is the most natural thing we know.
I am not defending my actions of breaching the trust of my ex-wife. That was my failure. That I truly regret. That I own. I have learned some tough lessons and it will not happen with my new wife. My need to unfulfilling explore fantasies is nowhere near my need to live with integrity in the best way that I can. I have learned very painfully that it is not worth it - at least for me.
I imagine Bonnie Kaye she has helped some people and may have some valid perspectives, but the bitterness, ire, inaccuracy, and self-contradiction of her relentless invective create a cacophony of distraction when what is most needed is clarity.
Chip, I do acknowledge
your pain. I also acknowledge that you do not consider yourself gay. And Chip,
I am not saying that you are gay. More importantly. what I think should have no
bearing on your thinking. I respect your feelings and appreciate your story. I
know there are men who struggle greatly in their lives with sexual issues, and
I don't mean to minimize them in any way. I do know there are men who don't
want to live a "gay life" as you call it, nor do I proclaim to have
all of the answers. I do know this--there are some women who truly don't care
if their husbands have had previous pr present experiences or fantasies with
men because they don't feel it affects them or their relationships. But I hope
you can understand that there are women--the overwhelming majority of them in
situations such as this--who don't feel that way and don't want to even
consider a marriage with a man in this situation--and that's okay too. The
important thing in life is to find someone who can be your soulmate in every
sense. Be honest with her ahead of time so it won't be an issue later on.
As for me, my life
moved on to a wonderful place. I found my soulmate 24 years ago, and I am not
bitter over my marriage to my ex-husband who died in October of this past year.
We made our peace long ago, and he gave me a wonderful gift before he passed
away--the gift of truth including repeated sincere apologies for hurting me
first on his own through our 39 year journey and then with some psychotic
people who believed they could destroy me and my work. However, I do get angry
for the misfortunes of so many of the people I work with--both straight wives
and gay husbands--whose lives are thrown so totally off track because of this
issue.
Chip, I hope you
find someone who can love you as you deserve to be loved. That's my wish for
you. I won't be debating you, but I'm more than happy to have you write to me
any time you need support. I will be there for you!
With hope for your happiness,
Bonnie
ADA
ADVOCATE PROFESSIONAL - A GREAT OPPORTUNITY FOR YOU
Dr.
Karin Huffer is an amazing family therapist who is an adjunct professor at the
renowned John Jay University. She conducts an online course to get people
certified as an ADA Advocate that you can access from home on your computer. Dr.
Huffer states that many of us suffer from PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder)
following our marriages, and PTSD is a disability that allows you to have an
advocate in court helping you through the process. Most of us do not understand
how to work through the court system during our divorces. We are nervous at
best, and often don't understand what is being said with legal jargon. Your
lawyer may not necessarily find it important to explain everything to you
making you feel more lost and confused. An advocate can be by your side before,
during, and after the case.
Two
weeks ago, Dr. Huffer was the guest with my co-hostess for the show, Debra
Sutton. Debra had taken the course two years ago and found it wonderful as far
as helping others with advocacy who are part of our network.
Dr. Huffer explained that an advocate ensures that the
functionality of a client in a legal setting is protected under the ADAAA
against all harassment, retaliation, and false accusation. Advocates act on
behalf of their loved ones or clients, not by practicing law, but by arranging
accommodations to offset symptoms, alerting the court to deliberate abuses, and
providing much-needed support to the litigant.
A Certified ADA Advocate has completed an accredited program through John
Jay College of Criminal Justice.
They can then:
•
Come onto a case as a consultant and expert witness
•
Review each case determining accommodations
•
Arrange evaluations to assess additional needs
• Prepare a
confidential request submitted to the court requesting accommodations
Anyone can
apply to become a certified advocate and can practice in any state. There is no
pre-education requirement to do this. Professionals in both the legal and
medical fields especially benefit from certification, ensuring they are in
compliance with the new ADA regulations established on 10/11/2016 as well as
adding a new level of competency to their practice.
To learn
more information about becoming an advocate and to sign up for the course,
visit Dr. Huffer's website at:
https://equalaccessadvocates.com/
To hear
Dr. Huffer's show with the information of how you can start this career, here
is a link to our show:
http://www.blogtalkradio.com/bonnielkaye/2018/01/01/bonnie-kayes-straight-wives-talk-show-with-ada-specialist-dr-karin-huffer
For those of you who are either looking to enter the
workforce or add on to your professional skills, this is an excellent
opportunity to make extra income for your family. There is a new online course
starting in a few weeks, so visit the site now to sign up!
MAILBAG
Dear Bonnie,
I wanted to circle back to close the loop on my 11 year
journey with you. To summarize the story I wrote as "Anne" in
Straight WIves, Shattered Lives (Vol 2), I discovered images that my husband
had looked at online, confirming my suspicions of many years that he had
interests in men as well as women. Although I tried to persuade you that
my situation was different than any of the other 30,000 or so stories you had
heard, you stood firm. I eventually came around to realizing that I
needed to end my sham of a marriage but it took 10 years to execute.
The wisdom you
generously shared through 1 on 1 emails, even a phone call, your monthly
newsletters, and my participation in one of your weekend workshops have all
been instrumental in my moving through divorcing a narcissist and keeping my
sanity. The stories of women finding true love the second time around
kept me going all of those years. So when I left my marriage in January
2016, I prepared myself to be miserable for two years. In fact, I wasn't
ever unhappy, although sometimes lonely. After having given up on
internet dating (not much out there for a 57 year old slightly overweight
woman, right?), cupid struck! I was out of town for a contra dancing
weekend. As I arrived and sat down to put on my dance shoes, I saw a guy
from my hometown contra dance making a beeline for me from "across the
crowded room." From that moment on, we've been basically
inseparable. We became intimate immediately after returning home from the
dance, though the opportunities are somewhat limited as i’m a nearly full time
single parent. However, last weekend, we traveled together to a dance in
another city while my daughter was with her dad.
Everything you and your
readers have ever said about sex with a man who doesn’t like dicks is
absolutely true. We missed half of the dance weekend because we didn’t want to
leave the hotel room. We are both crazy in love. I know this may be only
a rebound for me, but time will tell. In the meantime, I’m experiencing what it
feels to be truly loved vs put on a pedestal by a narcissist who sees his
“loved ones” as merely means to an end. I feel like the sexiest, most
beautiful woman alive when I'm with him.
So to you, Bonnie, and to your community of
readers, stay strong and THANKS!
Ann
Recent radio shows:
If you haven't heard Dr.
Margalis Fjelstad's program about healing after living with a narcissist, put
this link in your browser:
Dr. Fjelstad has two wonderful
books out that you can find at Amazon or BN. Members of my support network tell
me that these books are LIFE SAVING!!!!
Have a peaceful and loving month.
Love, Bonnie ♥
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