BONNIE KAYE'S STRAIGHT TALK NEWSLETTER - JUNE 2018

BONNIE KAYE'S STRAIGHT TALK

June 2018     Volume 19, Issue 201

Bonnie’s Mantra:

LIFE WAS NEVER MEANT TO BE THIS COMPLICATED. PERIOD.

COMPUTER RADIO PODCASTS - www.blogtalkradio/bonnielkaye                                     Live on Sunday night 8 p.m. EST or any time after the live broadcast!

NEXT HEALING WEEKEND

My next HEALING WEEKEND will be in the Los Angeles area in March, 2019. If you would like to be part of this amazing weekend, please email me at Bonkaye@aol.com and put the word “Healing” in the subject box. I will send you the details this month. There is no charge for the weekend outside of travel, lodging, and food. This is a life-changing experience for people who need help during the grieving and recovery process.

POST TRAUMATIC GAY DISORDER

There is a new terminology that I am sharing--PTGD, short for Post Traumatic Gay Disorder. I want to explain this concept to our wives and their gay ex/current husbands so everyone will have a clear understanding of what I mean.

First, let's define Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)

PTSD is a disorder that develops in some people who have experienced a shocking, scary, or dangerous event. It is natural to feel afraid during and after a traumatic situation. Fear triggers many split-second changes in the body to help defend against danger or to avoid it. This “fight-or-flight” response is a typical reaction meant to protect a person from harm. Nearly everyone will experience a range of reactions after trauma, yet most people recover from initial symptoms naturally. Those who continue to experience problems may be diagnosed with PTSD. People who have PTSD may feel stressed or frightened even when they are not in danger.

So how does this apply to PTGD?

Finding out that your husband is gay for women is shocking and scary. In some cases, it is also dangerous due to learning about new diseases you may have contracted including HIV/syphilis/herpes, as well as other forms of emotional and physical abuse many of us suffer in the marriage. Let's face it--we all say that knowing that our husband is gay is better than not knowing because at least it puts the pieces of the puzzle together. When a marriage to a gay man fails, we tend to blame ourselves because we have lost our sense of reality while living on the other side of sanity. Throw in the accusations by your gay husband that "you" are the problem in the marriage--not him--and you'll be dancing around that circle of crazy in three-quarter time. When our husbands "gaylight" us--making us think that we are crazy when we confront them with our suspicions/knowledge of their homosexuality--this just pushes us into a deeper hole of self-doubt.

Our reality in most cases is different than the pretty pictures painted by the media in numerous sitcoms. I know the media has tried in several cases, but our personal tragedies never are quite represented in a meaningful way. Most of us were abused either emotionally, physically, and for sure--sexually. Most of us had our feminine spirit broken into shreds while we kept stepping on while we were walking on top of those broken eggshells. Rejection is an immensely popular way of controlling women who have been broken down--and most of us feel that sense of rejection daily for years and years, long after the marriage is over.

These marriages are unlike straight marriages because we have issues beyond those of a straight marriage. I've discussed many of them throughout the years. The important thing to realize is that there is no real quick recovery fix after this kind of fraudulent marriage.

What I always find fascinating when I work with couples going through this is that the gay husband usually has such a different perception of the marriage than his wife has. In many cases, he feels the marriage is "good." He says they were both "happy." In his mind, he was happy. Why? Because in your mind, you knew he was UNHAPPY so you put all of your efforts into trying to make him happy. As I always say, Straight Wives are always the BEST WIVES because they keep running around in circles trying to make their husbands happy while losing who they are.

Most amazingly, the husband almost always says the "sex was good--at least for you," THE WIFE. He swears he was a top-notch lover regardless of how you felt.  In most cases, he'll blame you for any lack of lust in the bedroom because you were....not very experienced....not willing to "experiment"......not the initiator.....too busy with the children....and his list goes on. And on.

When we learn that our marriages were built on a bed of lies, we never quite know what was real and what wasn't real. While we had so many doubts about ourselves based on how we were treated in the marriage, we now wonder if any of this was true. Recovery is a process for most of us that can take years while unraveling the truths from the lies. Rebuilding trust in ourselves is a major hurdle. Reclaiming our mutated feminine spirit takes time--and lots of time.

What other people don't understand is that almost every woman I have met over the years was very supportive of gay rights. Most of these women had at least one gay friend or family member and supported their cause for equality and recognition. I believe that on some level, gay men who are passing in the straight world look for women who are accepting so that if things don't work out, at least the wife will feel some sympathy/empathy. I will say in most of our situations, things don't end up that way.

You see, while those of us who are supporters of gay rights know that "gay" means "men wanting men on an intellectual level," our minds don't slide into the visual image of what that means on a sexual level. We support it--but we don't want to "watch it." There is something in the way that we are wired that just doesn't want to look at that sexual scene. We don't condemn it--but we don't want to watch it.

After we learn that our husbands are gay, and when we meet their new loves, trust me when I say it is normal to feel a twinge of revulsion. It cuts across your chest like a knife. The man who was "yours" forever and ever now belongs to another man. When you think about it, you feel like throwing up. That's why most of us try not to think about it. The visualization of your ex in bed with a man is too hurtful.

Sadly, as our married lives change, our feelings about "gay" also deteriorate. Any sense of "gay rights" now seem like "gay wrongs" because of how we were involuntarily drawn into the gay community not by choice--but by force. Yes, once you learn your husband is gay, you are now part of a new community that you knew very little about. Why? Because now your children have a "gay father." That wasn't part of the planning when you brought your child into the world. Oh yes--you were planning to raise him/her with your own belief that people should be treated equally and fairly regardless of the sexual orientation--but having a husband who was gay was not part of that equation.

All of a sudden, those feelings of empathy/sympathy change to feelings of contempt and disgust. Women mistakenly believe that their husbands are "choosing a penis" for fun and games over their marriage and children. They think that gay is a "lifestyle" that can be chosen or rejected--at least by their gay husbands who were not gay to start with. You think, "Why would our husband even look in  that direction? Why would some gay man be hitting on my straight husband and confusing him? How did a "bromance" turn into a gay romance? The guy was his best friend--at least that's what he said. And now he wants to have sex with him? Why is he trying to convert him to GAY?" As if it were a religious cult. The man you fell in love with--your best friend, even if he wasn't your best lover--spent years sharing his plans, dreams, and desires with you. "Penis" was not part of the conversation--ever.  And now the lust that he hadn't felt for you in years due to "diabetes, high blood pressure, low testosterone, stress at the workplace, life on  life's terms or whatever..." suddenly has become alive for him driven by some man's penis. How was this even possible?

I would bet my money that every wife who finds out this news goes to bed at night in either a state of shock or after crying herself to sleep for hours only to wake up and think: "I just had the worst dream. I dreamt my husband was gay." It takes about two minutes for the reality to sink in, but eventually it does. And that's when life starts falling apart.

The reason I am telling you this is because people have to understand that supporting gay rights is a totally different situation than supporting a gay husband. We DO NOT have to feel bad that we don't feel sorry for our husbands. We DO NOT have to listen to their trials and tribulations as they go off to their new lives running back to us for comfort when their boyfriends cheat on them or leave them. We do not have to support the gay community at this time because we are feeling raw and betrayed. In fact, we do not care about the gay community which we blame for destroying our marriages.

It is going to take time to put things in perspective. It is going to take time to understand that no one made our husbands gay--they were always gay. They didn't marry us to trick us--they were trying to trick themselves. But as the old ad stated, "You can't fool mother nature." And that old ad was referring to a dishwashing soap--not someone's sexuality.

We need time to recover from the trauma. And most of us do--given the time we need. Of course, much of it depends on our ex-husbands and how responsible they are to us and the children when the marriage is over. Our lives will change drastically in the days, weeks, and months ahead. There will be so many new issues to deal with and so little time to deal with them as you find yourself in the new role of single motherhood. We have new doubts and fears about the effects on our children having a gay father. We have to deal with our families and friends and explain to them why our marriages failed. We have new responsibilities and worries. Many of us have to leave our homes and move. Stay at home moms are now going to have to become working mothers to help support a family. These are changes that happen quickly. In many cases there is no advance warning.

Oh...and what about the legal fees? Suddenly you find yourself spending thousands of dollars to hire a divorce lawyer to navigate your way through divorce and child support. Thousands of dollars that you don't have that is. Or maybe it was the money you were saving for a vacation or retirement. Anyway--now it's gone no matter what you were saving it for.   

What about having to see the man you love for 10, 15, 20 years or more now with the man he loves the way you loved him? You know the day will come, but you are dreading it. You are feeling sick to your  stomach and wanting to vomit. Would you be sick if you saw your husband with a new girlfriend? Well, of course. But the thought of him with a man makes you even sicker. And no--it's not from homophobia--it's from reality.

In the beginning of your new life after your marriage, every man now appears to be gay. Obviously you missed it with your "soulmate," so why shouldn't you think it? Every man is considered suspect. All we see is gay everywhere. We are also living in a society where LGBT is surrounding us as they fight for their rights for equality. It's no different than it's been for  years, but now we are so "gay-sensitized," it is upfront and in our face constantly. Before when we would have been cheering for it, now we are not in the mood to be hearing about it. This is all part of PTGD.

Why? In our minds, GAY took away:

Ø  Our husband

Ø  Our family unit

Ø  Our future

Ø  Our past

Your husband may have found his "authentic" self, but you have lost what you thought was your "authentic marriage."

There is no quick fix to recovery because we don't have the luxury of a time machine that can take us a couple of years into the future. Healing takes time--and my Father's Day Message to men is simply this:

                                                   FIX IT!!!

I personally know some wonderful gay ex-husbands who did the right thing. They took total responsibility for the marriage ending and gave their wives/children the support they needed to make the needed adjustments. Yes--took total responsibility. They didn't look for excuses as to why the marriage "wouldn't have worked anyway" as some gay men like to claim. They didn't knock their wives as being partly responsible for the break-up of the marriage. They understood the marriage was ending because they were gay men who needed to lead a gay life. Not a "lifestyle," but LIFE. Gay is not a style--it is who you are. These men knew they weren't going to be straight husbands when they were gay men. They regretted making the wrong decision by getting married. They regretted hurting their wives and families. AND THEY DIDN'T BLAME ANYONE BUT THEMSELVES for the marriage ending.

These men went on to give their families the emotional and financial support to make sure their lives were disrupted as little as possible--even if they sacrificed what they wanted to do such as new cars or vacations. This is the road to a good after-marriage where a semblance of a family unit can continue. This is the ideal when you have children that you want to grow up in a healthy way.

Gay men tell me that they are afraid their children won't love them when they find out about their homosexuality. Children love fathers who are good to them--and to their mother. Your sexuality is not the main factor--you ability to be there for them after you leave is what really counts.

That is my Father's Day message to the men who read this newsletter. Do the right thing--and FIX IT. Help speed that healing process along for your wives and your family.

MY NEW BOOK

I made an announcement a couple of months ago that I was writing a new book called, "The Gift My Gay Ex-Husband Gave Me--The Truth." I was planning to have it released this summer. This is a book containing written excerpts between my ex-husband and a gay man (along with several other people) who were looking to destroy my name and reputation that I had built up over the past 35 years helping straight wives to find understanding and support when learning about their gay husbands, and help gay men with their coming out process.

My ex-husband, Robert, died in October of this past year of bone cancer. Prior to his illness, I had stopped communicating with him because long after our marriage was over, I was still his daily sounding board. We clung more tightly after the deaths of our two children in 2002 and 2005 maybe because we were all we had left of them. For ten more years I remained his comfort friend--the only one he could be really honest with because I knew his truths and his lies. However, he did something that was beyond my forgiveness, and I broke my ties with him for good in 2014.

Two-and-a-half years later he contacted me asking me to forgive him. He told me he was very ill with cancer and didn't know how much time he had left. He didn't want to die without making his peace with me. Since our two beloved children had left us, I knew that they couldn't be there for him. I decided to do what my conscience dictated, and I helped him through his last 18 months both emotionally and financially.

 Robert was so remorseful because I helped take care of him over his last 18 months after cancer ravaged his body. In his final months, he felt he had to tell me the truth about his actions with a gay man from California who was one of the main instigators running this campaign of terror to try to discredit me and my work. He did plead with me to wait until his death to release the information--which I did agree to do. He was so, so sick in those months that he said he didn't have the strength to have to argue with this man about exposing him to me--and I understood.

Robert explained how he had been cleverly manipulated into joining a well-organized campaign of terror and harassment against me and my associates by this man whose name I won't disclose at this time. This group was very clever playing "selected" sounds bites from my radio show for him or sending him selective words I spoke out of context to get him to believe I was destroying his life so he would join up with them to destroy me. They did this through vile and obscene websites, sickening book reviews attacking me and my work, and harassing emails to me and the guests that appeared on my show. Several months ago when I announced on my radio show that I had the information of who these criminals were and read a few excerpts that I had of their words to Robert, most of those sites quickly were quickly removed. Of course, I was smart enough to copy them to use for future evidence.

Robert shared these emails which stated how this vicious group of people calculated my downfall so I would stop giving "false" advice to people. In one of the earliest emails, this man who sought him out and "befriended" him said:

I and a couple of colleagues have done our best to learn about Bonnie, her “work”, and have sought to do what we can to keep others from being harmed. Again, as you’re likely well aware, Bonnie not only has many years of experience at perpetuating her delusional world as a counselor, but she is not mentally well and does not always operate in the rational world. Thus, we have taken to anonymously pursuing greater understanding and to bring an end to any harm she may be causing.

I have read and studied Bonnie extensively using publicly available information. And though I’m nowhere near the expert that I’m sure you have become regarding her, I have  developed a case profile of her and her life. While I don’t know many of the specifics, or the factual details as you know them, I know of truths and facts about her life well beyond what’s known to the general public. And, the more I learned, the more important it became to take steps to protect my identity and that of my colleagues. As I said, our work continues and I am no less interested in learning more, and in brining any potential harm to an end.

First, let me just say this. Can you imagine how someone has so little to do in his own life that he has time to study me and become an "expert" so he can "bring any potential harm" I am causing "to an end"?  How humbling that I am so important to a gay man who has never been married and has never met me.

Sadly, that is almost all of what I am able to share of my new book with you. You see, I have a volume's worth of wonderful evidence against the men (and women) who spent the past five years trying to silence me by destroying my credibility. Before I shared it with the public, I decided to share it with the California Attorney General's office, the FBI, and another federal agency that works with cyber terrorism. According to them, I have a strong case against my attackers. They have suggested that I not release the book until after all of the evidence is compiled and sorted out. I did agree to wait.

I know the federal wheels turn slowly because of a case I pursued in 2006 - 2009 with the federal government over a predatory book company, Airleaf Publishing, that robbed people of over 3 million dollars. I was able to gather 600 authors to pursue that case which took three years to complete, but the company was put out of business with a government judgment against the owners.

The only other line I am going to share with you at this time from my attacker is a very prophetic one that was in that first (of so many) email. It is also the only line of truth in the hundreds of pages of documents of evidence that I have collected:

He states:

First and foremost, due to her illness, if you put yourself on Bonnie’s radar, in her line of fire.. she will attempt to steam roll over you with full force. And a few lines down he stated, ....."it’s very unlikely Bonnie will go down without a fight."

My "illness" is called truth and fairness. That is all I've ever strived for--to bring light into a world of darkness and confusion not only for straight wives, but for their gay husbands who have struggled their whole lives with homosexuality. And all of you who know me know--I am a fighter. I am a survivor. I am a winner. Like all of you, I had years of training!! Stay tuned for the next chapter!

With love and renewed hope,   

Bonnie ♥

♥♥ FEBRUARY NEWSLETTER 2015 - VALENTINE'S DAY ISSUE ♥♥

BONNIE KAYE'S STRAIGHT TALK

 FEBRUARY 2015     Volume 15, Issue 161

Bonnie’s Mantras:

LIFE WAS NEVER MEANT TO BE THIS COMPLICATED. PERIOD.

YOU CAN'T FIX A BROKEN MAN--BUT HE CAN BREAK YOU!

Help support my mission to help women and men in pain. Purchase my books from my website at www.Bonniekayebooks.com. Please "Like" my Facebook page at Bonnie Kaye, Author. Thanks!

STRAIGHT TALK RADIO SHOW MOVES TO DIFFERENT DAY AND TIME

Starting the first week of March, my Straight Wives Talk Show heard on Blog Talk Radio is moving from Sunday night to Monday night at 9 p.m. EST. I will post the info on my Facebook page as well as on my blog which you can access via my website at www.gayhusbands.com and clicking .

FROM MY ARCHIVES

This was a powerful Valentine's Day message that appeared in 2011 in my February newsletter. It is still so relevant today that I wanted to share it again--with love! ♥

IN THE AFTERMATH OF VALENTINE’S DAY - 2011

Each year this issue of my newsletter comes out on the heels of Valentine’s Day, the ultimate annual reminder of how hard you can keep trying to make crumbs into a cake that never quite seem to “stick” together.

It’s impossible to escape the reminders that loom largely in your face--or in the case of all of those heart balloons--over your head. You can turn off the television and radio to avoid the Hallmark commercials, but as soon as you walk into the market, the first five rows of display tables are filled with hearts of chocolate and bouquets of roses.

To many of our women, this is a painful holiday. For those still in a marriage, your husband sometimes does his “husbandly” Valentine duty of bringing home a card with little xxxxx’s and ooooo’s or expressing his appreciation of you by giving you a box of candy--even though he keeps telling you how “unappealing” you are to him because of your weight. On this sacred day, he lets that comment pass as he shoves the chocolates at you encouraging you to enjoy them as a way of saying, “Don’t expect more.” Yep, some sweets for the sweet. It doesn’t mean he’s going to make love to you or make your feel beautiful—but hey, crumbs are still crumbs. By the way, on a personal note—how many crumbs does it take to make a cake? How about a slice of cake? I haven’t figured that one out yet.

For those women whose marriages have ended this year, your first Valentine’s Day is usually the worst—which is the good news. In the future, you will feel better once your emotions sort out the reality from the fiction in your marriage. At least those moments of frustrations of wondering why your husband couldn't love you the way you needed to be loved on that special day of romance for couples will be better understood. The other bonus is that you won’t have to feel frustrated and once again disappointed after making the day such a special one only to end up with his recurring headache, toothache, backache, or inability to “perform” due to….oh yeah—stress.  

One of the ways that I keep trying to hit home with our ladies is to make Valentine’s Day a new tradition of loving YOU. Unless you can learn to love yourself, trust me, it will be impossible to love someone else—at least in a healthy way. I know that may sound funny, but trust me—it’s true.

When I was younger, I had a distorted image of what marriage was about. I believed that if you loved someone with all your heart and soul, you would live happily ever after forever and ever. Amen. I guess that meant that I had to work hard every day waking up and figuring out what I could do to have my husband keep loving me the way I loved him. Sadly, many of us from the baby boomer generation were socialized that way not realizing that marriage needed to be a two way street. Do whatever it takes to make your man happy. Those were the messages we kept hearing over and over again.

We found ourselves in marriages that weren’t fulfilling because no matter how hard we worked, we were running in circles. It was sort of like running around that Valentine heart. You’d move up the curve of one side but within a short amount of time you’d come sliding down the other side. Then you try climbing that slope again only to be bounced back down. In other words, even if you get to the top, don’t plan to stay there very long. And the climb down—or rather the fall—is a long and slippery one for sure.

And yes—we got tired—oh so tired—of the excuses leading to the accusations:

ü  Valentine’s Day is for young people

ü  Valentine’s Day is for young lovers

ü  Valentine’s Day is for newly weds

Which all translate into one real meaning of what your gay husband is thinking--

Why are you always trying to think of a reason to have sex?

Here’s the funny thing—as much as you are dreading Valentine’s Day, so is your gay husband. Remember that song 50 Ways to Leave Your Lover by Paul Simon? You know the one that says, “Get off the bus, Gus. Make a new plan, Stan. No need to be coy, Roy.” Yep, for your gay husband, it’s 50 Ways to Say No to Your Wife. It could include lyrics like:

“I’ve got a new pain, Jane. I have too much stress, Bess. You’re much too large, Marge. I need some air, Clair. My tooth does hurt, Gert. There’s a pain in my head, Peg.”

Yep, I bet I could rewrite that song in a flash. Sadly, so could all of you.

So, to my weary women warriors fighting that hopeless battle, gather your strength for the fight ahead of learning to love yourself most of all. You see, I’ve learned in life and through enough hard knocks and lessons that when you love yourself first, you’ll never be disappointed. Why? Because you won’t depend on others to love you in a way that can be disappointing and defeating. Even when you are disappointed, you love yourself enough to analyze the situation and do something meaningful for you. You don’t personalize the rejection—you realize YOU are not the problem—your partner is.

Remember, if you don’t learn how to love yourself, you’ll be doomed to repeat your legacy over and over again. It may not be with a gay man, but it will be with some man who isn’t worthy of your time or attention. Don’t forget—there are lots of unsavory predators out there in the straight world. Some of you have told me all about them—well, actually I found my own collection of them for a number of years as well!

Happy Valentine’s Day to my ladies. Better days are ahead! Promise!

WHY OUR DIVORCES ARE DIFFERENT

Couples in America get divorced every day. Nearly 50% of all marriages in end divorce--and I mean STRAIGHT marriages. Many of us hear from well-meaning friends and family members, "Why aren't you over it? Why can't you get past it? He was gay, so move on." Although these are "well-meaning" comments--I think they are--they are made without understanding why our situation is different. And for that reason, people tend to judge us as being, "weak," "victims," or "over-dramatic."

There is a good reason why these relationships don't have more happier "after-endings." It's not about a "divorce." I was divorced from a straight husband before my gay husband. It was not a good marriage in many ways, but it was totally different than my marriage to my gay husband. I would like to explain the difference to you. 

Most of the women I have worked with through the years who had gay husbands--including me--have been stripped down as women. Our husbands have been emotionally abusive, in some cases physically abusive (out of their frustration),  "gaylighting" them (making them think they are crazy when they find gay porno, gay texts, etc.), or "controlling." Sometimes it's a combination of all of these traits.

I have heard straight men talk about being "emasculated" by their wives and how it hurts. In the same way, women feel "de-feminized." Their sexuality in almost all cases has been stamped out away one layer at a time even though they had normal sexual needs. They become sexually paralyzed believing they are failures in bed. They are BLAMED for the lack of sex by their husbands in some of the cruelest ways. They say they don't want to make love to you because you are too "fat," "sloppy," "smelly,"
 "a nymphomaniac," "boring in bed, " "a lousy lay," and every other personally hurtful word that can demean your womanhood.  When asked why he is rejecting you, he tells you that you're crazy and imagining it or you are too needy. In time, you start believing him and stop asking for what is rightfully yours.

People who haven't been in our shoes may tell you they would never stay in a marriage that was like ours or they were smart enough to never allow that happen to happen to them. I heard that comment many times which used to make me feel even more defeated. But let's be for real. Take someone who was inexperienced or young when she got married and this was her first serious relationship and sexual experience. The marriage to her gay husband was the only marriage she had. It's easy to see how inexperienced people can get fooled into believing they are at fault. Add to this the confusion or lack of knowledge to so many about this topic, and you'll get a better understanding as to why so many women go deeper into the closet than their husbands ever did.

I accept the "fact" and always have and stated for the record that gay people are still discriminated against which makes it so hard for gay men to come out. My heart goes out to many of the men living a double life because they, too, are in pain. BUT--and I say BUT--take a look at it from the woman's side. People view her as "stupid" because how could she not know? There is a big social stigma against woman who have been married to gay men. In some cases, people still believe a man wasn't gay when he married you; how did he become gay after he married you? You must have failed as a wife.  Since in so many cases the men are NOT honest with their wives about being gay or use confusing words like "curious, a-sexual, bisexual etc," the woman internalizes that the problems that crop up 10, 20, 30, or 40 years later are her fault.

What about women who work to get healed and now want to start new relationships? It takes so long to start believing in themselves again. They wonder how much of their marriage was real vs. their own misconception. Can they trust their instincts again? The trust issue was the worst for me. It took me years to trust my boyfriend because every time he said something that "sounded" like my gay ex as to why he was late or held up, it brought back doubts from that marriage. When some women start new relationships and reveal their exes were gay, the guy says he can't handle it. He's afraid he'll be exposed to STD's no matter how much you assure him that you are clean because you've been tested. Boom--one more step into the closet for us. And talking about being tested, do you know how traumatizing it is for a woman to get an STD test? She is 40, 50, or 60 years old and has never been unfaithful in her marriage. Don't you think there is a sense of shame for women when we go through this trauma? What about the days she is waiting in anguish to get the test results? Worse, how about when she finds out she has the "gift" that gives for a lifetime? Approximately 20% of women married to gay men have HIV, syphilis, gonorrhea, herpes, and HPV (pre-cancer from STD's) from their gay husbands who had no conscience about having unprotected sex with men and then showing a moment of guilt or to prove they weren't really gay--with their wives. Do you think it's easy for these women to move on? I don't think so.

  

More and more professional therapists are now stating that these marriages leave women with post traumatic stress disorder which stops them from moving forward in a healthy way. This means it will take lots of professional help and money to get your life on track again. What happens when you don't have the resources to get "healed"?

Sadly, most straight wives have no idea who they are after these marriages. After years of having their self and sexual esteem stripped away one day at a time, they are not the same person they were before the marriage. They become a new person based on their trauma. My ex-husband used to "shout me down" to "shut me up." So many of these men are very controlling because if they aren't, they fear their secret will come out. And so they control their wives. They criticize everything to make her shut up and stop questioning. They constantly question her ability as a mother since she has been told time and again in so many ways that she is already a failure as a wife. Let me assure you--this changes a woman in so many ways after abuse for so many years.

No one can ever convince me that these marriages aren't more debilitating than other marriages between straight people. Maybe it's because I see the struggle of our women with such beautiful souls who have had their hearts ripped out and their lives torn apart. Maybe it's because as times are changing more people are cheering how brave gay men are to come out without recognizing the damage done to their wives.

Keeping along these lines, I recently blogged about Joel Grey coming out in his later years making front page headlines nationwide. This is what I wrote:

Who Is The Real Hero?

Last week, actor Joel Grey was in the news discussing his life as a gay man. He was in the forefront of the news from USA Today to People Magazine.  People in show business were commending his courage. Of course, he said he didn't like to be "labeled" as "gay," but if he had to pick a word, okay--"gay."

This is another example of how distorted the world is when it comes to straight wives. Why is a gay man who took up decades of our lives considered a hero? Why isn't the straight wife who spent all of these years living her husband's lie but not knowing it applauded for the courage she has? She's the one who lived a life devoted to making her husband happy but failed because he was gay. Did he ever tell her during the marriage why things weren't going as well as they could have been because he was a gay man?

Grey uses the excuse that he grew up in different times when gay was not an option. Okay, I do understand that. But guess what? Plenty of men from his generation grew up the same way, but they didn't marry and bring an unsuspecting woman into the mix. He could have remained a bachelor, but instead chose to marry and have two children. His children are happy that he can live outside of his secret for now because they've known for a while. I wonder how long his wife has known?

Men who come out publicly are not nearly as brave as their wives who wondered through the whole marriage why they couldn't make their husbands happy. They personalized the rejection and just tried harder and harder to make something work that isn't workable. When is the last time you saw a straight wife on the cover of a newspaper or magazine being applauded by the general public for her bravery in enduring this kind of a marriage? Not only is the straight wife victimized by her gay husband by being in a distorted marriage, but then she has to hear how people admire...applaud...cheer for the man when he is ready to come out. Yep, something here is definitely wrong.

Ironically, Joel Grey said his 24 years of marriage were his happiest years. I bet they were. There is nothing like having a straight wife try harder and harder to make your life wonderful while you are living your lie on a daily basis and making her feel as if something is wrong with her because your husband is pissed off from being in a situation that HE created by marrying you. Who is the hero here?

The only time I'll acknowledge that straight wives are being recognized in the way that we deserve is when magazines like People have a cover story about the brave and courageous straight wife who now has to fend for herself as a single mother, lose much of what she had which often means her house and other financial security, and recover from the long-term mental battering from a man who could never love her in the same way a straight man could have. Oh yes--did I mention giving up years where every day she lived with confusion wondering what she did wrong? Yes, we are the champions. We are the heroes. It would be nice to have the media honor us.

Some words from my friend Kathryn Holguin, MFTi, PCCi

I have had the honor of meeting Kathy Holguin in person. Kathy is a family therapist in Orange County, California, who is specializing healing women in relationships with gay husbands. Kathy understands because she was there in her previous marriage to a gay man. Kathy will be a guest on my Straight Wives Talks Show on February 22. She is a guest quarterly on the show. Here is a link to her last show you can put in your browser: 

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/bonnielkaye/2014/11/24/bonnie-kayes-straight-wives-talk-show

In Kathy's words......

I’m hoping to bring some encouragement to my fellow straight-wives through the effort of writing this article. For many of us, the discovery that our husbands are gay or, at the very least, attracted to other men, caught most of us by surprise.   If you were not surprised, then you were hoping your worst fear wasn’t going to be proven true.  Let’s face it, we love who we love.  Most of us are unaware of why we love the people we love, many of whom are unworthy of our affection.  And yet… we love them anyway.   For whatever reason, we find ourselves attracted to men who are limited in what they can give back to us. 

To more fully understand ourselves and how we relate to others, I suggest looking at ourselves from an “attachment” perspective. As a Marriage and Family Therapist, I am constantly amazed at how relevant our early attachment to our mom or dad plays such a vital role as we live out the story of our love lives.  Can you remember who taught you to ride a bike?  Was it your dad?  Did he run alongside of you encouraging and cheering you on? Did he hold on until you felt confident enough to ride on your own?  Did he see you fall, become overwhelmed with your pain and never allow you to ride a bike again?  Did he give you a bike and leave it up to you to figure out how to ride it on your own?  It seems like these are silly questions, but they speak to the quality of connectedness you felt as a child.  These answers can help unveil why we become “pleasers” or why we have to “avoid” confrontation.  I believe part of our struggle is that we slowly lose our voice in our relationship with our gay husband.  We think that if we just “please” him enough we can somehow save our doomed marriage. Somehow we are at fault and have to figure out “where we went wrong” so we can fix our lives. 

We have the power to redefine ourselves, pick up the broken pieces of our hopes, dreams and desires and create something beautiful from the rubble.  We can get back onto the bike.  Even though it may feel wobbly and scary, we can learn to ride again.  As we understand how we learned to love from our parents, we will more fully understand why we love whom we love. 

To understand secure attachment we need to consider the following:  A child’s feelings are paramount with respect to secure or insecure attachment.  As the child experiences a feeling, the parent recognizes those feelings and welcomes them.  The child feels safe to express his/her feelings fully and in turn learns to feel and deal with his/her emotions.  The parent is able to offer comfort when the child is distressed. The child reacts feeling loved, seen, important, safe, whole.  These feelings create an environment between parent and child fostering trust and respect helping the child to feel secure.

If you grew up in a home where your feelings were not valued, you probably have a difficult time dealing with the intense feelings surfacing during this traumatic time in your life.  Trusting your spouse during this time is impossible, but trusting yourself if just as difficult.  As a young child, if you were ignored, criticized, belittled or marginalized you suffered a form of betrayal.  A child’s feelings are innocent, raw and honest, and when a parent does not value a child’s feelings the child learns that they were are not important.  A parent is supposed to love and protect the child.   Children will defend their parent’s actions even to their own destruction because children believe that a parent is always right.  However, when a parent betrays the trust of a child, trauma is created for the child, plummeting the child into a state of survival.  The child denies their own feelings so they can create a sense of safety and security. The child is thrown into “survival mode”.  A child cannot risk the loss of the parental relationship, so they deny their own feelings, effectively shutting down their perceptions. It is in this “shutting down” process that the child grows up to question their own perceptions causing confusion and mistrust in their own judgment.  This scenario is referred too as Betrayal Trauma. 

When the traumatic people and events surface, there is an opportunity feel and deal with the events that caused so much confusion in childhood.  As an adult, you can begin to ask the question “what about me?”  When this question begins to demand an answer you will known that you are well on your way to finding your voice which ultimately leads to the ability to thaw out emotionally, grieve your losses and move into a life full of satisfaction, joy and healing.

It is my sincere hope that by reading this short article, you will begin to value your experiences both past and present.  Hold them closely and honor your own pain and suffering.  Give yourself the gift of compassion and empathy.  If you are suffering in a marriage, to a man you love, but cannot trust or be married to, your situation is enormous and should be treated with care, empathy and respect.  You deserve to be supported not isolated, championed not shamed, loved not hurt.  Don’t be afraid, you are not alone.

Thank you, Kathy, for those beautiful words.

If you are in the Orange County area of California, Kathy is conducting weekly workshops to help women understand their relationships and how they can get stronger to stop from making the same mistakes. The workshops are free and are held at a church in Westchester, California from 7 p.m. - 8:15 p.m. on Sunday evenings. If you would like to attend, call Kathy at 951-215-6454.

Kathy also does private counseling by Skype or telephone. Feel free to call her to set up an appointment.

           

Ladies, I wish you all a beautiful Valentine's Day filled with self-love. When you learn to love yourself for who you really are, that's when the true happiness begins!

Love, Bonnie ♥