Bonnie Kaye's Straight Talk February 2018

BONNIE KAYE'S STRAIGHT TALK

FEBRUARY 2018     Volume 18, Issue 189

Bonnie’s Mantra:

LIFE WAS NEVER MEANT TO BE THIS COMPLICATED. PERIOD.

COMPUTER RADIO PODCASTS -         www.blogtalkradio/bonnielkaye                                     Live on Sunday night 8 p.m. EST or any time after the live broadcast!

NEXT HEALING WEEKEND

My next HEALING WEEKEND will be outside Washington D.C. on Saturday, April28 – Sunday, April 29. If you would like to be part of this amazing weekend, please email me at Bonkaye@aol.com and put the word “Healing” in the subject box. I will send you the details this month. There is no charge for the weekend outside of travel, lodging, and food. This is a life-changing experience for people who need help during the grieving and recovery process.

VALENTINE'S DAY - AGAIN--BUT A CHANCE FOR A BETTER ONE AHEAD!!

It's that time of the year again. The day that symbolizes LOVE. Love with a soulmate, lover, or loving husband. It's the day that so many of our women struggle with because they have lost their feminine spirit from living with or having lived with a gay man. But even so, we're human, and the smallest glimmer of false hope (that many of us live(d) with) that has been pushed to the back of our psyche, somehow magically pops up that day like daisies at a gravesite.

This is the day that many of us fantasize will make up for the other 364 days of nothingness when it comes to intimacy, affection, and well....sex. So many of our women hang their hopes on this day thinking that it will be the game changer.

Sadly, the game doesn't change--well, if it does, it's just a downhill spiral of being kicked down the steps one bounce at a time--sort of like the metal slinky toy. There's an old saying my father taught me at an early age--"Big Expectations Lead to Big Disappointments," and trust me, there are sure lots of disappointed straight women out there on this day. And yes, I WAS one of them.

I say WAS because now I can say the word in the past. It's been many years since my feelings of inadequacy on this holiday due to my ex-husband's rejection have hovered over me. But you never forget even after you think you have forgotten. There's that little trigger to remind you--namely Post Traumatic Stress--which pops up to greet you on February 14th of each year. Yes, there is no limit to the length of time cruelty takes to vanish. It isn't quite the simple, "Get over it," that people keep thinking and later start saying when they think you're taking much too long to heal. By the way, as a side note, that is a major reason why many women with gay husbands are shoved deeper into the closet when they discover they are married to a man who just isn't "straight."

Yes, I say, "Just isn't straight," because I am personally tired of having to defend myself on the terminology I choose to use--namely the word GAY. I told you last month about my own personal scale of straight or not. That includes the "asexuals," "addict sexuals," "bisexuals," "consexuals," (confused sexuals) "denysexuals," "experimentsexuals" (those who like to experiment), "pansexuals," "homosexuals," and "metrosexuals," "transgender," and "transsexuals." Actually, it includes anything that is a prefix that doesn't start with "HETERO." Not hetero--NOT STRAIGHT. Period. Look, in all fairness, if the LGBTIA etc. can keep expanding due to "inclusiveness," and so can I based on THEIR definitions--even if I don't understand them all. Mine is so much simpler--NOT STRAIGHT. It covers the wide spectrum of sexual differences. And there is no shame being directed in any way to anyone who is sexually different. I hope you learn to embrace yourself, accept yourself, and come to terms with yourself rather than keep punishing some loving woman by making her think that there is something wrong with her for not wanting to live this way. How many of us remember these famous words?

It's not my problem. You're the one with a problem.

Yes, this is the beginning of the great mental beating down of almost every straight wife who lives with a husband who can't be honest with her for fear of losing what he is protecting the most--namely HIMSELF. But that's another subject for another day.

However, I do like to stay timely and relevant, so let me say a word or two about acceptance. Over the past six months, a movement has become prioritized in our society called "ME TOO." This movement started as a result of sexual victimization of women through harassment--ranging from sexual pressure to sexual violence and rape-- who wanted their voices to be heard. They wanted those years of silence to become resounding as they told their stories one by one in long lines that couldn't be stopped. Some women waited 40 years to tell their stories--but they stood up and were validated. These brave women ranging from actresses to young girls who became our Olympic champions raged with indignation against their predators and let the world know that they women were no longer going to live with the shame of sexual abuse.

I suggest that "WE TOO" be the adopted slogan for straight wives starting on this holiday. Rather than hide in the emptied closets of our husbands for fear of public shame or ridicule that we are forced to live with under people's snickering of, "How didn't she know?" or "He wasn't gay when he married her," why can't we shout out those words? "WE TOO" shows the world that we were also victims and not volunteers. Some of you lingered in abusive marriages for 5, 10, 15, 20, 25, 30, 35, 40 and longer years of alienation, degrading, manipulating, sexual rejection, loss of self-esteem, and gaylighting. Some of you were held hostage through mind beating by insensitive narcissists who knew how to love-bomb you only to drop a bomb on you. Even the nicest of gay husbands--and I do know some of them who have become close friends of mine--took from you what you deserved--the right to be in a "straight" marriage.

The "WE TOO" movement includes millions of us in this country and millions more around the world. Gay men who marry us later tell us that they did it because they were "victims of society." And I do get it. I understand what it's like to be a victim. But that doesn't give a man the right to bring someone into his life to avoid or hide it from the public by grabbing some loving, innocent woman into the same trap he is trying to escape from. In the end, he just feels "double trapped" by society--and now YOU. He views you as the jail keeper. You are the one keeping him from happiness. He has to try to make you happy which once again comes back to his greatest fear--performing the role of a "straight" husband. It doesn't make him love you more; it only makes him resent you more. These men think they are setting themselves free from the judgment of society, when in fact, they are now more miserable than ever. And who gets the brunt of it? WE DO. That's we have to stand together as straight sisters and say, "WE TOO!!!" Sadly, we are a huge minority, and yet no one is hearing our cause because we are the voice of SILENCE.

I don't know any group that I can think of that feels so isolated as we do. While others are out there demanding their rights through having their voices being heard in the media, on television, in marches and pride parades, we are huddled in the back of the empty closets afraid to raise our hands to unite ourselves and let the world know that we are out there. We should feel no shame about being a straight wife. I am not looking for people to feel sorry for us, but rather to display the empathy and understanding that is so much missing from this issue. It can only change when we decide to have our voices heard and move out of the closet into the world while saying, "WE TOO!"

Saying those words will help you feel validated and a victor instead of a victim. When we don't have to be afraid of people knowing our truth--and YES--it is our truth to tell--it is validating--not negating our stories. We don't have to stand in that closet anymore--we can take a hammer and nails and board it up for good so that we don't have to retreat back to it. Bottom line--start loving yourself enough or even more on this Valentine's Day so that you can keep moving "straight ahead" for all of your future ones. Love to all of you from ME on this special day of love.

FROM THE VAULT ON VALENTINE'S DAY

The following article is from a newsletter published over 15 years ago. The message is still powerful, so please read it.

HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY--NOT

         In the past, I have written about the difficulty that straight wives have during the holiday season. It is not uncommon for depression to set in somewhere around Thanksgiving and continue right through the New Year. During that six-week period, there are three holidays that revolve around family happiness and unity, something most of us are missing.

          

        While we get caught up in the preparation for these holidays, we can’t help but to feel an emotional letdown when they actually take place. We know what they represent, and yet, we never feel the wonder and joy of what the holidays represent that others are feeling. We go through the motions waiting for the emotional impact to kick in, but when it doesn’t, that’s when the depression sets in.

          

       And now, just as we start to get back to our “normal” existence state of mind to cope in our relationships, we are once again brought down by the most hurtful holiday of all—Valentine’s Day. This is the day that exemplifies love and romance. It’s hearts and flowers all the way. It’s the day that symbolizes what being in love is all about. It’s a day where two people who love each other take the time to stop and think about that love and to remember how it feels to be “in love” even if some of the passion has faded through the years.

        If you are the wife of a gay man, this is a day that really hurts. This day, more so than all of the other holidays, is a slap of reality about your marriage. You see, on the other holidays you can cover yourself with a veil of illusion because they are family holidays. Whatever you are lacking in your marriage can be compensated for through your children and other family members. But Valentine’s Day is different. It’s about the two of you. And no matter how you justify it by thinking it’s a day of love in general, it’s not. Yes, you can buy Valentine’s Day cards for your son or daughter, mother and father, co-workers and friends to try to make it better. But there’s really no escaping what it really is—a holiday for lovers.

        The reason why this holiday in so painful is because it is upfront and personal and right in your face. No matter how you try to avoid dealing with the reality of living with a gay husband on a day-to-day basis and lull yourself into a false sense of security, Valentine’s Day reminds you of the lie you are living with the man whom you fell in love with and married in good faith. It’s a reminder of everything that you were supposed to have but were cheated from having. And the man who robbed you of your dreams is still lying in bed next to you. Each morning when you wake up with him next to you, it’s one more day of living a lie.    

Now the lie wasn’t your lie to start with—it’s his lie. But it has become your lie because you’re living it with him. You’re going through the motions of what marriage is supposed to be, but it’s falling way short of what your intentions were when you made that commitment at the altar Your husband, who promised to love and cherish you through sickness and health ‘til death do you part, never mentioned that he would never be able to love you the way you needed to be loved. In fairness, maybe he didn’t know that he wouldn’t be able to do it. No doubt, he was hoping that he could pull it off. And I’ll even go so far as to say that maybe he didn’t come to terms with the fact that he was gay on that life-changing day. But in almost all cases he knew he was having conflicting feelings. He knew something was off even if he couldn’t figure out that it was homosexuality.

Even when I speak to gay men who tell me that they honestly didn’t believe that they were gay, or hadn’t acted on those impulses prior to marriage, they still knew looking or thinking about men sexually aroused them. And even if they still couldn’t come to terms with that, they knew when they stopped making love to you early in the marriage that they were not attracted to you because you were a woman. But they kept quiet because they were afraid if they told you their secret, you may blow it for them. You might pull away their security blanket leaving them vulnerable and feeling naked. It wasn’t always an easy choice for them to keep lying to you, but it was easier than telling the truth.

So to those of you who are living in one of the many situations that bring us all together under this umbrella of commonality, let me personally wish you a Happy Future Valentine’s Day. Believe me, it can happen to you just like it happened to me. This is a day I celebrate in a big way. It’s a day that makes me happy because I have a man whom I am in love with. He makes my heart flutter and my knees still get shaky when we touch—and that’s after eight years. I don’t say that to brag, but rather to let you know how life was meant to be. You were meant to have a man who can love you and make love to you. You were meant to meet someone who would cherish you and treat you as if you were the most important part of his life. The fact that you were sidetracked doesn’t mean that you are doomed forever. It is never too late to find the happiness you are seeking as long as you don’t give up hope. And even if you don’t want to think about falling in love, at least think about not living in an abusive situation. Work on loving yourself enough to move away from a man who is not your soulmate but who is destroying your soul instead, one layer at a time.

Go out and buy yourself a giant box of chocolates. Enjoy each one of them as you remember how sweet life is supposed to be and how wonderful it will be once you remove yourself from a disastrous situation.

MUCH LOVE,

Bonnie ♥

STRAIGHT TALK NEWSLETTER - SEPTEMBER 2017

BONNIE KAYE'S STRAIGHT TALK

SEPTEMBER 2017     Volume 18, Issue 186

Bonnie’s Mantra:

LIFE WAS NEVER MEANT TO BE THIS COMPLICATED. PERIOD.

COMPUTER RADIO PODCASTS - www.blogtalkradio/bonnielkaye                                     Live on Sunday night 8 p.m. EST or any time after the live broadcast!

STRAIGHT WIVES TALK SHOW CONTINUING IN OCTOBER!!

The Straight Wives Talk Show will start its new season in  October. Some of our best experts will be returning, and we will be having some new guests including straight wives who will share their stories with you. Stay tuned for some amazing programming!

GAY HUSBAND RECOVERY

A topic of discussion I have with many women is about how do you work through Gay Husband Recovery, and why does it take so long? I hope my words below will explain this to you.

One problem that we all face is the pressure from family members and friends and their well meaning slogan to “get over it” when it comes to “recovery” from our marriages. Our loved ones, no matter how well meaning, can’t understand why we are having such trouble doing this. Their intentions are good. They want us to get past the nightmare and move on to a happier place.  They see straight marriages ending in divorce all of the time, and those women seem to manage to start over again and find new relationships more easily than we do.

I do get upset when I hear these stories of additional pressure from my women who are trying their best to move through the stages of anger and hurt but not at the pace that others expect of them. The end of a marriage is like the death of a loved one, and we all have to pass through the various stages of grieving before we can come to the point of acceptance. And acceptance for us is twofold—accepting the marriage is over and accepting the homosexuality of our husbands which will now be part of OUR lives forever, especially when children are involved..

What other people don’t realize is that there are numerous issues that we have to deal with after a marriage to a gay husband ends. Some of these issues are unique and unlike those that women with straight husbands face. For instance, we have to figure out what to say to the children and when to tell them; we also have to decide what to tell family, friends, and co-workers. We live in a world where many people still don’t understand about a "gay husband" married to a woman and fear the ridicule we will face from this ignorance. Even in this day and age, people say, “What did you do to make him gay? After all, he wasn’t gay when he married you.”  Yes, ignorance abounds.

We have to rebuild our own self-esteem, which has been sorely damaged through these marriages by not only feeling the failure of a marriage, but also wondering how much of a lie we were living. We have to rebuild our sense of trust within our own decision-making processes knowing that we walked blindly into a situation where we were so misled and blindsided.

Most of us have lost or never had the feeling of what real intimacy means in a relationship. We have difficulty trusting men again and trusting our own ability not to walk into this situation one more time. And this is a genuine fear that many women express—“It happened to me once. How do I know the next man I get involved with won’t be gay?” After all, why couldn’t we tell the first time around? This is confirmed by the ignorance of others who insist that we “must have known but married him anyway because we thought we could change him.”

There are other complications as well. There are those women who still feel some sense of responsibility for their husbands’ homosexuality. They are convinced that they played some part in their husbands turning to men. That’s because some gay husbands are cruel enough to say that to their wives rather than take the responsibility for the truth. 

         

          We have to deal with our own feelings of homophobia. Even if we were accepting of homosexuality in most cases, it took a whole new meaning when it entered our marriages and destroyed our futures with our husbands. We have to deal with our own feelings about our ex-husbands bringing lovers into the lives of our children and how that will affect our children emotionally. We have to fear how other people will treat our children if they find out their father is gay. And of course, we now have to consider the possibility that our children will be gay because this is a new reality.

          Certainly straight marriages that end go through emotional upset and turmoil. We have to go through those same problems including single parenthood, financial problems, selling the home, going to work, and legal tangles. But in addition, we are forced to deal with all the additional issues stated above. This is a double whammy that just doesn’t end when a marriage ends.

          What saddens me are the dozens of letters I receive each week from women who just can’t work their way through the maze of emotional complications that they are left with not only during the marriage, but also after the marriage. This is a process that takes time. But without going through a number of these steps, it will take much longer or just leave wounds that will not heal. I've adapted these ideas from other 12-step recovery groups, and I hope you will find them helpful.

         

THE TWELVE STEPS TO GAY HUSBAND RECOVERY (GHR)

1. You admit that your husband is gay, and you are powerless to change his homosexuality. You accept that you had no responsibility in “turning” your husband gay, and he has no choice in being gay.  You also accept that your marriage has become unmanageable living with homosexuality.

a. The first step in working towards recovery is to admit those words that are so difficult and painful to say—“My husband is gay.” You have to accept this as the beginning premise and not look to find excuses or lull yourself into a false state of security by saying the word “Bisexual” because he has you for a wife. 

b. Once you can accept that your husband is gay, you must understand that you are in no way responsible for this. Your husband was gay long before you met him even if he couldn’t understand this himself. You in no way brought this out in him or caused him to change into this. You had no influence one way or the other on when his need to act on his homosexuality would surface. There is nothing you could have done to stop this from occurring.

c. You realize that your marriage is in turmoil because your husband is gay, not because you failed as a wife. Even if there are numerous other problems in the marriage, they are all tied in to this basic fact.

2. You believe that once you turn for help for yourself, you can restore yourself to sanity.

You cannot change your husband, and no matter what you do to improve your beauty, intellect, or personality. it will not make a difference. You must turn to others who can lend help and support to understand how and why this happens so you can start thinking clearly and rationally. You need to rebuild your self-esteem and sense of self-worth so that you can start thinking ahead to the real solutions that are necessary. You do not need to waste time or money going for family counseling to try to make this marriage work. When you are living with a gay man, the bottom line is he will always have the physical and/or emotional need to be with men. This is not something that can change if you both go for marriage counseling together. Instead, go for counseling yourself to work on regaining the emotional strength you need to cope with in the marriage until you are able to move out of it. 

3. Make a decision to take back your own life, which has somehow been misplaced through your marriage.

Throughout your marriage, you have focused on your husband instead of yourself. This is for the most part because you have spent your time trying to please him because he doesn’t seem fulfilled. You personalize this as your failure and so you try that much harder to be a “better wife.”  It is not surprising if you have lost sight of who you are or who you were before the marriage. You have somehow misplaced your own life and aspirations while trying to make yourself into someone whom your husband can love better. It is now time to start focusing on you and what your goals were prior to the time of the marriage. You did have a life before your husband as well as dreams and hopes. It’s time to revisit that period of your life.

If you married at a young age, you may have never had time to work on personal goals. View this as an opportunity to sit down and figure out the life you want. Mentally visualize yourself in a place where there is happiness based upon trust and truth rather than chaos, confusion, and lies.

4. Make a search of personal inventory to see what it is within yourself that has allowed you to lose sight of your own identity and who you were before your marriage.

It is common to get off track while trying desperately to make your marriage succeed. Now it is time to do some personal inventory to see why you have allowed yourself to regress to the low emotional state you are in. What is it within you that keeps you hanging on to this marriage long after it should be over? What insecurities and fears are you facing? Living with a gay husband brings about a number of common emotional problems such as lowering or loss of personal self-esteem, loss of sexual self-esteem, and feelings of hopelessness.

You need to focus on a major issue that will haunt you for the rest of your life unless you deal with it upfront—namely, TRUST. You have lost the ability to trust your own judgment. You must learn to trust your own instincts again and not allow a mistake beyond your control to jade your ability to make future decisions. You must first trust that you were a worthy woman prior to your marriage. You were able to think rationally before you met your husband. But after living in an “Alice in Wonderland” existence over a period of time, you start thinking with upside down thoughts, which develop through living a lie. Once the lie is exposed, it is time for you to start examining how that lie impacted on your important decisions or fear of making important decisions.

When going through the step of taking personal inventory, start making a list of all of the qualities you have. Start recognizing your wonderful strengths and traits that have somehow been minimized in the shadow of your husband’s problem. Start thinking about how those positives would have been accentuated if you had been married to someone who could have been a real husband to you by being encouraging and supportive rather than finding fault with you because he was frustrated living his lie.  

5. Admit to yourself and to others what the real problem is in the marriage—your husband’s homosexuality—and not look to place the blame on yourself.

Until you can internally believe that your husband’s homosexuality is not your fault, it is impossible to move on. You need to understand and accept that you were not “stupid” walking into this marriage or even naïve. You were uninformed, inexperienced, and lacking the knowledge of understanding homosexuality. You thought that gay men were attracted to the same sex relationships, not relationships with straight women. Even if you knew about past gay encounters in your husband’s life or suspected there had been homosexual contact, you believed in all good faith that your husband had “chosen” to change and you accepted his explanation when he told you this. Remember, the overwhelming majority of women who marry gay men had no idea whatsoever about this prior to the marriage. Those who had any suspicion or knowledge didn’t understand that homosexuality was not just an adolescent encounter or fantasy. For the handful or women who went knowingly into the marriage with a gay husband, you believed in your heart that if your husband loved you enough, he would change. Stop punishing yourself by thinking that you didn’t see the “unobvious” signs.

6. You are ready to develop a mental plan for a positive future and believe that life can become rewarding and fulfilling after your marriage.

In order to regain hope, you must believe that there can be life after your marriage. Some women don’t believe that this is possible and view their marriages as a life sentence. This is not the case. Even if you can’t leave your marriage at this moment, you can start to plan for a positive future regardless of your age. Stop putting up negative roadblocks such as, “I can’t financially support myself,” or “I’m out of shape,” or “I’m too old to start over.” These are self-defeating messages which allow you to stay “stuck” where you are. All of the money in the world can’t buy your happiness. It doesn’t make sense to stay emotionally dead just to keep a roof over your head. You can put your life back together in time as long as you start believing in yourself. It may take you a year or five years, but the bottom line is that if you want it, it will happen. 

Part of developing a mental plan is realizing that you may be taking anti-depressants because you are depressed living in your marriage. So many women are coping in their marriages or after their marriages this way. If your depression is due to the marriage, antidepressants will numb the pain as well as other feelings. However, medication can also stop you from dealing with your feelings which is essential if you expect to move ahead to a produce and happier life. If you are taking medication as a result of your depression from your marriage, realize that you need to put limits on how long you can suppress your emotions. Medication doesn’t change the situation that your husband is gay, nor will it make you any happier living in a marriage with a gay man.

7. You are willing to accept you have your own insecurities and low self-esteem issues and need to start working to change them.

Women in these marriages are often plagued with insecurities and low self-esteem. This is because marriage to a gay man is an unnatural state of marriage to live in. Staying in a marriage void of passion and intimacy is also an unnatural state of marriage no matter how nice a partner is. If you wanted only friendship, you didn’t need to get married. You wanted a husband and a complete marriage that includes physical intimacy. Too many women end up “redefining” marriage justifying that there’s all different kinds of relationships. This thinking may make you feel better temporarily, but certainly not in the long run.

Living daily knowing that your husband desires a man over you strips away your sense of self-esteem one layer at a time. It is a slow process that erodes your mental state over time, not all at once. When you don’t know that the problem is homosexuality, the feelings of personal rejection are even worse because you believe that you are doing something wrong in the marriage. Gay husbands who won’t be honest will often say that “you” have the problem, not them. They claim they are happy because they can’t come to terms with their truth and would rather continue living their lie. They make you start believing that you are the cause of your own unhappiness because they claim to be “happy.” This is why so many women invest so much time and money going for therapy to help a problem that they don’t even know exists.

I know women who have gone to such extremes as developing eating disorders, investing in surgery including breasts implants and liposuction, and even going to sex therapists in hopes of getting their gay husbands to desire them more. They don’t understand how their husbands loved them enough to marry them but now won’t continue to desire them in the bedroom. They don’t understand that no matter what they do, they can’t make themselves attractive or more desirable to their gay husbands because they are not men.   

8. Make a list of all aspects of your life that have been altered through the marriage and look for ways to mend them.

         

          I know that having a gay husband alters the lives of most women. When you live in a state of constantly trying to please your husband, you lose sight of what you can achieve for yourself. Some women have never received the emotional support or encouragement from their husbands and have given up on their own aspirations. In our desperation to keep the “status quo,” we have put a freeze on the idea of education, employment, and social contacts.

         

          It is important to start focusing on goals that will help you build or rebuild yourself. It is time to start mapping out a game plan on how you can achieve these goals whether you are with your husband or no longer with him. When I lived with my gay husband, I became a prisoner of my own insecurities like many of you have. We are afraid to walk away from the house for fear of what will be going on in our absence. This leaves us in a state of paralyzation--afraid to make a move in any direction--including a positive direction. We stop socializing with friends and family; we put any plans of improving ourselves through education or employment on hold; we literally become locked up in our own fears of what will happen if we walk out the door.

I wasted so much valuable time not doing for me because I was afraid of what he would be doing for him if I left the home. You must accept the fact that you cannot be a 24-hour guard against his homosexuality. You cannot stop him from acting on his needs just by surrounding him every moment. He will find ways to do what he needs to do regardless of how hard you try to stop in. And in doing so, you are only stopping yourself from moving ahead. Start focusing on you because otherwise you will be wasting years of your life that could be fulfilling and productive. 

9. Make contact with other people however you have to in order to feel connected rather than isolated and alone. You must not be afraid to seek out help wherever you can even it is against the wishes of your gay husband.

You cannot put your husband’s need for privacy and discretion ahead of your need for support and help. You must understand why you keep putting his need for secrecy before your need for sanity.

.        

          It is amazing how ashamed so many women feel when it comes to discussing this subject with family members, friends, co-workers, or medical professionals. This is a subject that has been kept quiet for so long because we are afraid of how others will judge us. Our greatest fear is that people will believe that we are the cause of our husband’s homosexuality. On some level we still internalize that this is our fault and haven’t accepted that our husbands were gay when we married them. Some women who finally come to terms with this fact continue to blame themselves and feel that these were suppressed feelings in their husbands that they have somehow triggered by not being good enough wives.

When we seal ourselves off from others and deal with these thoughts alone, we feel an even greater sense of isolation and failure. In order to recover, you must be willing to share this news with others and seek support. Once you can say the words, “my husband is gay” to someone, it is a major step forward in finding personal independence.   

10. You are willing to confront your gay husband on any issues and not be afraid that you are going to do more damage than has already been done.

         

          When you suspect that your husband is gay, or in some cases, have proof that your husband is involved with gay activities such as porno, websites, emails, etc., it is important for you to confront him with your suspicions and findings. This is not an easy thing to do, but carrying this burden yourself is self-defeating. You need to let him know as soon as possible why you suspect there is a problem. If he denies this, or tells you that you are crazy, don’t give up. In some cases he will be very defensive and angry, but that should not be the basis of your shutting down. In some cases he may be in denial, but you must continue to tell him about your feelings in hopes that he will do the right thing.

You need to accept that this is a problem that will not go away no matter how hard both of you wish it away. In many cases, your husband fears telling you the truth because he is scared that you will have the confirmation you need to walk away or use it as ammunition against him. His fears will often keep him from admitting the truth to you. Don’t “give up,”  “shut-up,” or “shut-down.”

11. Seek answers through support and professional help so that you can ease your knowledge that will give you the courage to change your life. You will explore all avenues that will result in your personal independence.

           

            Finding out that your husband is gay is one of the worst experiences a woman can have. There is no way that you can expect to recover from this problem alone. You need help and support to help guide you through the difficult days ahead. There is no shame in going for help. In fact, now that you know that there is help and support, the shame is in not going for it. Find help that works for you in a meaningful way. Just like all therapists are not for you, not all groups claiming to be “support” groups are the right ones for you. If you are not comfortable with the support being given by various organizations, keep searching until you find the right one. In time, you will find help that is of the comfort level you need. If you need a good therapist who understands this situation, contact me for help to direct you.

12. Having a new insight and education as a result of these steps, you try to carry this message to others who need to understand what your situation is about. You also try to extend yourself to others crying out for help who are lost and confused.

         

          An excellent way to work through the healing process is to support others who are going through the same problem that you are. First, it gives comfort to others who are just starting on this path. Next, it helps you to know that there are others out there in the same situation so you don’t feel isolated or alone. This will help you in your personal journey to Gay Spouse Recovery. As a number of you tell me, "PAY FORWARD!"

         

          The important thing is to keep moving ahead. Realize that this is a process that takes time and doesn’t happen overnight. In time and with help, you will reach your goal of rebuilding your self-esteem and self-worth. Then it is time to step away from this period of your life and move on to a new part where positive self-discovery will bring you the happiness you seek and deserve.

   

Remember, as with any recovery program, you have to work these steps daily. You have to make them part of your internal belief system and look at them regularly to reassure yourself that you are on track. Any time you feel yourself slipping back instead of forward, read them over again. You can and will recover! 

Love, Bonnie ♥

BONNIE KAYE'S STRAIGHT TALK NEWSLETTER - SEPTEMBER 2016

BONNIE KAYE'S STRAIGHT TALK

September 2016     Volume 17, Issue 179

HEADING TOWARDS SENIOR CITIZENSHIP

Friends, this month will mark my 65th birthday on September 26th. I will officially be a "senior citizen." Maybe I'm not typical in some ways, but there is no denying that age is more than a number--it's also a state of mind.

People change as they get older. Our outlook on life changes as well. We are living in times that to me seem very uncertain and scary. Then again, life was scary when I was growing up and being propagandized by the Cold War and then later the Vietnam War. Even though times were scary then, we weren't living with today's "political correctness" where people can say what they want and be whom they want to be--no matter how foreign it may seem to us. And if we question it, we are labeled or condemned.

Over the past 34 years since I started advocating for the rights of straight wives to be recognized for the pain that we fall into through no fault of our own, I have had a few detractors in both the gay community and the "bisexual" community. I have been accused of being a fake, a fraud, distorted in my thinking and "dangerous."  I make no apologies for how I think. If anything, I think of myself as being overly understanding to the gay husbands who come to me for help in doing the right thing. These detractors call me "dangerous" for spreading my "bitterness" to unsuspecting people who will be :"misled."

So let me make this clear. I am not angry nor am I bitter. I resolved my own marriage to a gay man years ago and moved on to a healthy, loving relationship with a straight man. If I get upset, it's not for me--but for the millions of women who find their lives in "lock down" in these marriages.

I am the first to say that I don't speak for all women in this situation--but I do speak for almost all of us. If someone is truly happy in her marriage, she won't be writing to me looking for help. And for those women who do write to me to help them stay in their marriages, I refer them immediately to the Straight Spouse Network where they can find that kind of support. Some women are determined to keep their marriages together--no matter what. Who am I to say they are wrong? I don't judge people. I help people. When people are unhappy being married to a gay/bisexual/transgender man, and they want to understand how it happened, I am there to give out the information to help unravel the puzzle that can be solved. I don't apologize for that. Thousands of women over the years have told me that I was their key to sanity and freedom--and that is what validates my work and keeps me moving ahead. The fact that a few bitter and angry gay/bisexual men and their partners feel the need to destroy everything I stand for just goes with the territory. It just makes me realize how effective I really am.

These marriages are destructive and hurtful in many different ways. When a woman has to spend every day wondering why her husband doesn't want to be intimate with her, it sends her into a negative state of mind questioning everything about herself and what's wrong with her because her husband can't be honest about the real reason for his rejection. If the shoe was on the other foot, how would he feel about it. How do you think a man would feel if he wanted to make love to you but you found a 101 excuses to say "No," including:

1) You are too small where it counts so you can't satisfy me.

2) You are too big where it counts so you hurt me.

3) You can't go long enough so you leave me feeling frustrated.

4) You really don't have good technique or rhythm.

5) You can't kiss good and your breath smells bad.

6) I can't get past your body odor to want to be intimate with you.

7) You're lack of exciting foreplay turns me off.

8) You never want to try anything new.

9) What are you? A sex addict? All you want is sex, sex, sex.

Trust me, if you said these things to a straight man, his ego would be very bruised to say the least. And even though there are straight men who lack sexual prowess, most women will suck it up and just go with the flow because they love their husbands and don't want to hurt them. They would rather hurt inside themselves than be honest. And let me go one step beyond that--he may not be the best in bed, but at least he wants you in there with him trying his best to please you.

With a gay man, however, he will come up with a similar "female oriented" list of reasons why he doesn't want to make love to you, but he won't worry if he's hurting your feelings. In fact, he's trying to do exactly that so you'll stop talking about your lack of sex life with him. The fault lies within you--not him. At least that is what he wants you to believe. Maybe now you'll stop "bothering" him about it.

These men don't care if their rejection of you as a woman destroys your internal system. They are looking for a way to protect themselves from your sexual advances, and what better way is there to do that than make you believe that you are unworthy? What pisses me off the most is not only are they doing "harm now," but they are doing harm for your future relationships. They are doing harm to your children--their children--who can't have the mother they deserve because she is a "battered" mother. No, I don't mean the kind of mother who is battered with bruises on the outside--I mean the kind of mother who is battered on the inside. Battered and crushed.

On September 11, I did a radio show with my gal pal Patsy Rae Dawson. I've known Patsy for a number of years and had the pleasure of meeting her in Houston at one of my Healing Weekends. Patsy is a Christian marriage coach who has worked with couples for many years. She is also a motivational speaker and author who challenges traditional Christian leadership views of sex and marriage. I asked Patsy to put together a piece for my Christian women who linger for far too many years in these marriages because of the "vows" they have taken during the marriage ceremony. Patsy put together a beautiful piece for those of you in this situation. When I read some of her points, it brought me back to this conversation that we need to keep having over and over again. In Patsy's own words:

My children never experienced their mother’s true personality growing up. Trying to survive a loveless, sexless marriage so saps us, we are never emotionally free to be our best. And because of my childhood spent trying to keep an angry mother happy and my marriage to a man I could never please, I thought I was born without a sense of humor. I didn’t realize I was existing in survival mode and a state of low-grade depression. Even before my divorce finalized, I was thrilled to discover I have a wonderful genetic sense of humor. I laugh out loud easily and often. I so regret my children didn’t get to grow up with their true mother. We should have been laughing fools.

My children suffered 1000 times more than I ever did. This is my greatest ignorance and sorrow that still makes me cry—that I didn’t step out of my own pain to see theirs. I was the adult and could make my own choices. They depended on me to protect them. My son carried his scars to an early grave. My daughter and I talk about her wounds; I’ve apologized many times for my blindness to her pain.

My children failed to receive the greatest gift parents can give them—to genuinely love and cherish each other and them.

Patsy's words really stung  my heart because they are the same words I hear from you over and over again. You are walking through the valley of the shadow of death here on earth. You are crushing those egg shells with your dance of doom no matter how carefully you try to avoid stepping on them. You are living each day in survival mode trying to make that ultimate chocolate chip cookie out of the few crumbs and chips scattered on the floor next to the eggshells. You are trying to be supermom believing that your kids can't see your crying on the inside or hear you late at night as you sob on the outside because you are hurting so much on the inside. It is easy to delude yourself while your husband does such an excellent job of doing it to you. Right?

Some of Patsy's other provoking thoughts include:

It’s easy to think, “That’s just the way he is” or the most deadly way we deceive ourselves, “My husband is perfect except for sex.” Because we believe that lie, we don’t recognize the red flags of secret unfaithfulness.

We also make the mistake of thinking, “I can live with it at this point.” But his desire for men never lessens. It always grows.

And that's the truth. Gay doesn't change. It doesn't go away. It's not a passing phase or a thought. It's not a lifestyle or a mid-life crisis. A person's sexuality is more than just a sexual act. It's his thinking, his wants, and his desires. None of which are you by the way. He'll stay there with you and pretend, but that's all it's going to be. He may love you like a brother or a distant cousin, but he's not going to love you like a straight man. Period. He can't. He is gay.

Patsy is a great believer in God's word of wanting Christian people to love sex. She will give you biblical verification of this over and over again. She will tell you scripturally why you need to leave marriages that are sexless marriages. They weren't meant to be.

I can't quote the bible like Patsy, but I can quote from several of the thousands of women who have written to me over the years. This one, from 2013, was from a woman who is part of this support network  and reflects the aftermath that many of you write to me about:

Dear Bonnie:

It’s been almost 3½ years in now (since we had contact) and I can’t believe how time flies!  I wanted to say again how very much I was helped during my family crisis by you and the support group and how often I am reminded you were right about many things from the start!  I still sometimes see what I learned still applies to an ongoing situation.   Mostly, I wanted to tell you that my life turned out BETTER than my old life by a bunch!  I met THE most wonderful man and I have a new family with two new step daughters and one new step son.  Although we have not made a decision to marry just yet we have made the decision to live together and be a family and I have NEVER been happier in my life.  I’ve attached a few pictures for you to see.

While meeting the new man in my life is great, I wanted to make a point.  Several months into counseling with you and the group, you made a very clear point to me.  I had said that among the disappointments was that my ex and I were happy.  We didn’t fight, we had built businesses and had been together since high school so our routine was pretty set.  You sternly told me I did NOT have a happy marriage.  You said that he did NOT love me as a man loves a woman truly and that his head was never in the game really.  You asked me to remember the thousand little digs/clues/lost moments that I never understood.   You asked me to consider this at the moment you said it to me and I remember searching my feeling as you said it and being sure you HAD to be wrong.    I searched my feelings for better than a year trying to decide this issue….trusting that you had never led me wrong but not feeling that at the time.  It stuck in my head.  I let time and distance go by and considered it again.  And again.

Here’s the end of that story.  This new man loves me a way that cannot be described without a bunch of mushy words that diffuse my point.   But it is TRUE!  There a huge difference in a thousand little ways.  I was so fed up of people telling me the ‘when one door closes another one opens” and “a better life awaits” but is OMG true!   You can and WILL survive!  I was able to take back possession of my memories I felt he had “cancelled” and now feel whole again.  Another year of financial clean up and we’re done…all the way….DONE!

You saved my life in so many ways….always know I am grateful.  I have had the chance to direct a few gals your way, one after receiving a beating when she lost it after catching her husband in bed with his BF before she even knew he was gay.  She said she was staying for the kids no matter what and I said please let the group educate you.  I don’t know if she made it there but I know what you did for me….

Give all the women a huge hug from me and thanks again for all you did….and do now to help us all…. Warmly, MJ

The line of MJ's that I have bolded really struck me:

I was able to take back possession of my memories I felt he had “cancelled” and now feel whole again. Now that is very powerful.

This letter came in last month.

Dear Bonnie,

I came to you four years ago filled with anger and doubts. I was angry at you because you couldn't give me the answers on how I could change my husband from "gay" to "straight," even though I believed he was still straight. I doubted you when you told me that he couldn't change because he promised me and swore he wanted to change. I blew you off back then and wrote a few sarcastic words. I think they were, "You don't know everything. You don't know me--you don't know my husband. You don't understand that we are different than other people coming to you."

You could have answered me the same way I answered you, but you didn't. You wished me good luck in a very nice way and stated that if I ever needed you again, you would be there for me. Of course, I didn't believe that would ever happen. But it did--last year.

After putting in another three years of doing everything I felt humanly possible to "straighten" out my gay husband, I had to admit defeat. He wasn't changing. In fact, he was getting worse. He had come home with an STD and accused me of giving it to him. I knew that was impossible, and when I went to get checked, I also was a victim of his indiscretions. He tried to explain that it happened before he "changed" when he had "one" unprotected sexual act. Well, I went berserk and decided that I was going to find the truth no matter what I had to do.

You suggested that I install spyware if I was ready to really learn the truth--and I did just that. Within the next few days, I saw why my husband was spending several hours a day locked away in his room for his "job." His job was obviously finding other married men for discreet sexual encounters. He even lied to them saying his was "disease free." I learned he was part of a gay swingers' group that featured all kinds of sexual interests from bondage and discipline to humiliation. You can only imagine how humiliated I felt. Humiliated...violated...and duped over and over again.

When I confronted him, he broke down crying and told me how much he loved me. He was willing to do anything to make our marriage work. But this time, I said a loud a resounding "NO." I couldn't do it anymore. I had to stop lying to myself and pretending it was something that it wasn't. All of those words that you sent me were about my marriage--my real marriage--not the marriage that I tried to pretend existed.

I want to thank you for not giving up on me even when I gave up on you in the beginning when I first wrote to you. You could have deleted the email, but you followed up with me every six months or so "checking in." When I found the truth, you were the first one I called--at 2 a.m. in the morning. I was hysterical--you calmed me down with love and compassion. That kind of compassion is hard to find from a stranger.

Bonnie Kaye, I've never met you, but it is on my bucket list to get there to give you a big hug one day. I was able to leave my "comfort nest" of delusion thanks to you. I am on the road to recovery which I know will take time after 18 years. But with you by my side, I know I will grow stronger and gain the perspective that I refused to accept in the past. Thank you for saving me from years of further mental deterioration and physical/sexual deterioration. I am going to take back my life. I would be stuck forever if I hadn't found you. With love and thanks, SM

These are heart-felt letters that inspire me--and I know inspire you,  my readers. After 15 years of monthly newsletters, I am still waiting for the one letter from any woman who has come my way for help who would say I was wrong  five years later, and she is still very happy being married to her gay husband. And if I ever did receive one, I would acknowledge it and then I would get tuck it away in the pile of thousands that say otherwise.

Why am I telling you this? Because after all these years, I know the truth--your truth--our truth. My critics say I'm "black and white," and yes I am. If people choose to stay together in this kind of a marriage, I never tell them, "You're crazy." People have different needs and desires. But if you come to me and ask me what you should do, I'm never going to tell you to learn to "suck it up" or "get used to it." No. I'm going to tell you to think about your own children and if you would advise them to marry someone who is just like your gay husband. I'm going to ask you what advice you would give the child you love about making a commitment for life with someone like you did. And I ask the men who come to me for help if they would want the daughter they love to marry a man just like them and have a marriage just like theirs. That usually is the defining moment for people who have to make this decision.

So I may be getting older this month for sure. And yet, my opinions are remaining consistent as they have for 35 years. For those who choose to hate and vilify me because I offer answers that make sense, oh well, hate me. For others who try to destroy me, well, I know who you are and what you are doing. Nothing you say or do will make any difference. You can tell lies about me, defame me, and undermine my work, but I am here to stay. And long after I'm gone, my words will live on to help the millions of women and men who are trying to make sense out of a situation that makes little sense at all.

If you'd like to listen to the Patsy Rae Dawson show, here's the link you can paste into your browser:  http://www.blogtalkradio.com/bonnielkaye/2016/09/12/bonnie-kayes-straight-wives-talk-show-with-guest-patsy-rae-dawson

You can visit Patsy's website at: www.patsyraedawson.com.

You can ask for her brochure, sign up for her free newsletter and request coaching.

WITH LOTS OF LOVE, BONNIE ♥