THE JUNE THING... For the past three years in June, I have dedicated my newsletter to the gay husbands/ex-husbands who want to share their stories and perspectives. I do this because I strongly believe we need to understand this situation better in order for us to heal. These newsletters also give courage to men who write to me for help to make the right decision about being honest with their wives. Several women have written to me angrily over the past three years after they received the June newsletter telling me that I am an apologist for gay husbands. I am not by a long-shot. I do have compassion for the pain that gay men face when they go through their struggle, but I am very clear in telling them that they need to take responsibility for their actions. I think that my writing throughout the years reflects that. However, that doesn't mean I can't acknowledge that there are some wonderful gay men who are ripped up inside because they are living a life that isn't theirs to live. I believe that almost all gay men marry their wives because they want to be straight. They are confused in many cases not understanding that they are gay because they fall in love with a woman and they can perform with her sexually--at least in the beginning. I believe that almost all of these men believe that if they love us enough, those gay attractions and desires will disappear. But we all know that doesn't happen. So, before you begin to read, if you think these stories will upset you, delete the newsletter. It's not my intent to upset you, but rather to bring some understanding. I think the brutal honesty of these men will validate all of your feelings. Many of you may NEVER get the truth, but at least you'll be able to appreciate it from these men. Story #1 James' Story My name is James. I am twenty-five years old and I am gay. I have one roommate who is also a very good friend of mine. Her name is Corrie and she is twenty-six years old. This year will be the seventh year that we have known one another. In a way, we grew up together, maturing out of our teens and into adulthood together. Many people mistake us for siblings when they first meet us, and in fact, I do consider her my sister. What many people often find strange however, is that Corrie and I were married for four and a half years. This will be the first time I have shared my experience with the public. My hope is that this story might help women and men alike understand, or at least gain a little more insight into a very complex and painful scenario, in which a woman is married to a gay man. Specifically, I would like to look at things from the husband’s viewpoint. My story may be a rare one, but I think it is important to point out that these situations do not necessarily always end in tragedy, but that happy endings do exist. Corrie and I were married after about a year of dating, and six months after graduating high school. I was nineteen at the time and she was one year older. From the very beginning of our marriage, things were not quite right. We had good communication and made a good team as we struggled to build a financially stable life. But our relationship was far from what you would expect from newlyweds. Corrie loved me with all of her being and I never once doubted that. But as much as I wanted to reciprocate those feelings, it proved to be a struggle. She wanted me to go places with her. She wanted me to spend time with her. She wanted me to hold her hand. She wanted me to kiss her. She wanted me to make love to her. She wanted me to tell her that I loved her back. These were all things I had no desire to do. I felt like she was asking too much of me. I felt like she was suffocating me. On the few occasions when I gave in to a date involving just us two, I inevitably turned the excursion into a stressful and negative experience that generally started and ended in conflict. I admit that I acted very selfishly most of the time, and a woman knows when she is loved and when she is not. After the first two years or so, we did very little together anymore. She had her friends and I had mine. We rarely had sex, and when we did, she was the one who initiated it. We would go for weeks, sometimes even months without being intimate. It hurt her tremendously to be so consistently rejected. She would frequently ask me if I thought she was pretty and sexually attractive. She asked me if I loved her. She asked me if I even liked her. She asked me if I was gay. These questions infuriated me. It got to where nearly every weekend, when we spent the most time together, these questions would surface, I would get angry and distant, we would fight, and there was no resolve. Actually, ‘distant’ perfectly describes my overall predisposition at the time. I was always distant. When she confronted me about my lack feelings for her, I denied her accusations and blamed her for making it all up. I did my best to make her feel stupid, and it worked. She would cry, and I would become cold as ice. Her emotions turned me away. I cannot count how many times she would beg me, in between sobs, to please just give her a hug, but I never did. She did not understand what was wrong with me, and neither did I. I liked her. I thought she was pretty. I had no problem with her body or sexual performance. For some unknown reason, I remained closed off to her. I simply could not bring myself to feel or express feeling. I kept my innermost self off-limits to her, and I actively shied away from any real emotional connection. Sometimes, she would try to convince me to go to counseling with her, but I was too proud and always declined. I hated myself and it was making her miserable. I did not know what to do. Why did she want sex so much? Why did she want to kiss me during sex…or at all? Holding hands was stupid. Kissing was too intimate (although I never admitted that). I had a severe distain for anything even remotely romantic (I have since realized that I am a complete romantic with men). To be certain, we hardly exhibited the characteristics of a happily married couple. I share these observations in hindsight. At the time, I was not aware of a lack of, or even a need for emotional, psychological or sexual intimacy. In the midst of my personal turmoil, I lost sight of the things that mattered most in life, as well as in my marriage. I downplayed these fundamental problems so much, that I failed to recognize the depth of dysfunction within our relationship. Every part of our relationship was unnatural to me. I became preoccupied, anti-social and increasingly unapproachable. I was so introverted and withdrawn, that I refused even to acknowledge what I was putting my wife through. Corrie has told me that those years spent with me, where the loneliest years of her entire life. I suppose this would be a good time to mention that during those first few years of our marriage I had no idea that I was gay. I did not “turn gay” at age twenty-three, but rather, I had always been. It was just the first time I had been honest with myself about it. I had previously never let myself imagine it, let alone consider it. It is important to know that I was born to a conservative Baptist couple. Not just any conservative Baptist couple, but a couple who dedicated their entire life (and family) to what they perceived to be God's ultimate will for their lives, which turned out to be pastoral and missionary work abroad. Growing up submersed in theology, I remained ignorant of the truths about human sexuality, knowing only what was written in the bible. Homosexuality was an abomination to the almighty creator whom we worshipped fervently – there was no question there. Despite harsh indoctrination, it seemed I could not avoid having attractions to the same sex. For as long as I can remember, I have had crushes on other boys. I had sexual fantasies and dreams involving other boys before I even knew that gay sex even existed. I thought that all boys thought about other boys. I thought it was normal – a normal sin that is. When you are taught that every human is born straight, that homosexuality is a sin, and that to sin is always a choice, then there is not much room for debate. I was straight, because god had created all humans straight. Being gay simply was not an option. Throughout my teenage years, other kids would use the word ‘gay’ or ‘homo’ as a derogative term insinuating weakness and femininity. My perception of gays evolved from a strictly biblical viewpoint, to one that included mainstream stereotypes, to which I did not belong. I was not effeminate, I did not play with dolls and I was not a mommas-boy. The subject held no relevance within my family, and was considered taboo. I grew up sheltered from education that might have helped me understand what ‘gay’ even meant, or what made a gay person different from a straight person. I knew I liked guys, but I had no reason to think anything of it. I never lied to anyone about being gay; I honestly thought I was a straight man, albeit an asexual and emotionless one. It was not until my late teens that it even crossed my mind that I might be gay. The realization that I liked men shook me to the core, and it took a lot of effort to rationalize my feelings and attractions and to convince myself that I was straight. I developed a secret homophobia, something everyone else seemed to notice at the time but me. My desire to be culturally accepted drove me to conform to a straight image. Even though I hated the mold I had forced myself into, it seemed I had successfully buried my “gay side.” After several years of living in denial coupled with a homophobic sense of self-loathing, I had reduced myself to nothing more than a shell of a person. This state of fear and self-deception kept me from being confident, kept me from enjoying life, kept me from being happy. I became more and more depressed, until I began having frequent anxiety attacks. I finally saw a psychiatrist who prescribed a mild anti-depressant. These drugs gave me more balance and stability, and helped me get my anxiety under control, but they only treated the symptom, not the cause. At this point, something had to change, and for a long time, it appeared as though our marriage would end in disaster. My inner relief began in an unlikely place: my being laid off from my high-paying job. I was forced to find new employment and took a significant pay cut at my new job. But the new work atmosphere by far made up for the loss of income. My previous job environment was high stress, abusive, degrading, and greatly contributed to my insecurities. My new job was the complete opposite. For the first time in my life, I was surrounded by people who liked me. Over a period of a couple of months, I started to creep out of my shell and made some very surprising discoveries about my personality. As it turned out, I liked people and was a very outgoing person, not solemn and closed-off. For the first time, I felt confident enough to venture outside of my mold. Whereas not one year earlier I generally drove everyone else away, now it seemed I had found a friend in nearly everyone. I also began taking better care of myself physically and was able to lose a lot of unhealthy bodyweight, which helped contribute to my growing sense of self-worth and self-respect. It was during this period of self-awareness that my “gay side” began to emerge. I had gained a new sense of self-esteem and joy, and it was not long before I started letting out some of the long-buried parts of my person. The change in my demeanor was astounding. People who for years had despised me, now found my company enjoyable, and I started making friends. The more I paid attention to my own behavior, the more I discovered elements I felt needed to be kept secret. But these secrets where too big to keep, and very soon they surfaced. By this time, the porn collection on my phone consisted entirely of gay porn. On multiple occasions while intoxicated, I openly talked about homosexual urges and exhibited flamboyantly gay behavior. Even while sober, I would catch myself “acting gay” and consciously stop myself midsentence. Some of my friends as well as work colleagues discreetly echoed what Corrie had long suspected: was I gay? I told my closer friends that I could imagine being intimate with another man, but that I could not imagine an emotional bond, and that therefore, although I might not be 100% straight, I definitely was not gay. I was maturing in that I was starting to see things more clearly, and along with my newfound love for people, I began to rediscover my dormant emotional attraction to men. The company I worked for had just hired a new employee, and I was crushing on him hard. It was the first crush I had had since my teen years, and I did not know how to handle it. I became so infatuated with this stranger, that it scared me. This was not some drunken episode involving homoerotic comments about some hot guy on TV, this was every single day at work. This was real. One night while lying awake in bed lost in deep thought, I finally voiced what was becoming more and more apparent. I turned to Corrie and said, “What if I’m gay?” I told her about the new guy at work and about my gay urges and feelings that seemed to be growing stronger. What followed was a tearful “coming clean session” that lasted most of that night, and the next couple of nights as well. She looked back over our marriage and started seeing the indicators clearly for the first time. She asked me direct questions and I offered direct answers. While she was beginning to connect the dots looking back over our marriage, I was thinking back over my growing up years. I started to remember things I thought I had forgotten, and memories I had suppressed were suddenly staring me in the face. The pieces were starting to fall into place. She had known all along that something was not right in our relationship or with my behavior but since I consistently denied being gay, she felt she had no choice but to believe me. The more I told her of my childhood experiences and life-long feelings, the more our dysfunctional marriage made sense to her. She painted a picture for me that made me burst into tears: I was gay. It was as if someone flipped on the light in a dark room I had never been in before, but contained all of my things, including the things I thought I had lost. The room was beautiful. Everything was in its place and there was no more darkness, no more cobwebs and no more closed doors. I had finally found the strength to come out of my shell, only to discover that I had simultaneously stepped out of the closet. What lay ahead of me was a rough path of self-acceptance. I was homophobic and did not want to be gay. I craved a loving relationship with another man, but more than anything I just wanted to be “normal.” I had tried to be what everyone else expected me to be, and I was unhappy. Corrie knew me better than anyone. She had loved me for nearly five years. She had been the perfect wife, and I had been a terrible husband. Although I never cheated on her, her pain was not lessened. She had given me years of her life, and lived them in misery and loneliness. She deserved someone who would genuinely love her. Someone who would not only love her sexually, but with all their heart and mind. As much as I cared for Corrie, I could not bond with her on an emotional or psychological level, and would never be the partner she needed and deserved. Even though she loved me dearly, she would never be able to provide the masculinity I needed to establish a healthy sexual and emotional life. She would never be the man I needed at my side. It was obvious that we could not keep pretending that we had any semblance of a marriage. Out of a mutual respect for marriage, and a genuine love and respect for each other, we decided to get a divorce. Soon after our realization that I was gay, and long before the divorce papers would reach the judge, we went to see a counselor. The counselor was very compassionate and understanding. She told us that our greatest asset in this situation was our intellect. We had been honest and forthcoming with one another about difficult issues, and were seeking professional advice on how to proceed rationally. We were already making great progress in dealing with this multifaceted and seemingly unique problem. Getting through this would require a lot of patience on both of our parts. Patience with our emotions and ourselves. Naturally, we wanted to put everything behind us and move on to the good things that lay ahead. Nevertheless, we would need to give ourselves time to process our emotions. It would take time to adapt to a new reality, time to regain perspective and time to put our lives back in order. We also had to consider how to explain our divorce and the surrounding situation to family and friends. As it turned out, our friends were very loving and supportive and in the end, I believe that we gained a new level of respect from some of the people we associated with. Sadly, it was our homophobic, conservative-minded and deeply religious family members who expressed devastation and shame at what they considered a family tragedy. As much as it hurt to feel my family’s judgment and disapproval, I know that their reaction was rooted in ignorance as a result of decades of conditioning for which they were not responsible. Even so, they were entitled to their opinion and it was not my obligation to change their minds. I have ultimately had to distance myself from select persons of my immediate family because their presence in my life tends to bring out the worst sides of me such as resentment, bitterness, frustration, and insecurity. The negative repercussions of my decision to be honest with my family about my marriage proved to be a greater obstacle to overcome than the initial problems I was already dealing with. In the wake of one of the most positive life changes I have yet undergone, my family’s silent stigma caused more damage to the recovery process than any other factor. Even though they represented a small minority who disapproved of our situation, and were greatly outweighed by the number of loyal and compassionate friends who supported our efforts, their hateful words slowed the transition and added to the pain. Nevertheless, their grumblings were their own problems to deal with, and in no way stopped our lives from improving dramatically. If I have learned anything from my marriage, it is that you cannot hide who you are, and you are not doing anyone any favors by doing so. What should have been a personal revelation affecting only myself, turned out to negatively affect another innocent person. To be sure, I was still a kid when I married and did not know who I was or what I wanted at the time. I did share my childhood homosexual tendencies with my wife early on, but neither of us thought it would become a serious issue. That was our second mistake. The first was mine alone, which was to marry someone I liked instead of loved, and lead them to believe otherwise. I did not know what love was when we married, but the intensity of her love for me compared to my meager attempts at love for her should have raised a red flag. I may not have known I was gay, but I knew I did not love her the same way she loved me. Other indicators that we both missed along the way include my disinterest in her sexually and my ever decreasing sex drive. The fact that I required anal stimulation and had little interest in woman parts was yet another sign. My emotional distance towards her, and my closed-off attitude was another indicator of hidden problems. If only we had gone to counseling when Corrie first suggested it, perhaps some heartache could have been avoided. In the end the truth came out (as it always does), and her instincts and gut feelings proved to be correct. It has been a little over a year since I came out, and I can honestly say that for the first time, I actually like myself. My relationship with Corrie has never been better even though the situation has been much easier for me to overcome than it has been for her. What separates our new relationship from our old one is that our new relationship is built on truth instead of confusion. Now we sleep in different bedrooms. I have had men spend the night with me, as has she. We are very open about our personal lives, and talk about our individual relationship problems often. She is my best friend, and I know she returns the sentiment. I do not have to lie about loving her anymore. I can tell her that I love her, and mean it this time. We forged a strong friendship that started out as a weak marriage. I have learned that there is no black and white - no cut and dry way of understanding human sexuality. To be specific, I consider myself a gay bisexual, because while I am mildly sexually attracted to members of both sexes, I favor men and more importantly, I favor and mesh with the male psyche. However, I am not the only one in this story who made discoveries about the intricacies of their sexual identity: Corrie has come to terms with the realization that she does not fit the standard norm either because of the fact that she is bisexual. Oftentimes we are more complex than we like to think, but ignoring the parts we do not understand does not make them go away. Corrie and I make excellent friends, but we were not meant to be married. We have strived not to let our failed marriage affect our successful friendship. Only by being honest and patient with ourselves and with each other have we made this possible. Corrie and I know that in order for each of us to reach our full potentials and to find ultimate fulfillment, we will need to find individual living arrangements. As a married couple, we purchased the house we now live in, and we feel we owe it to one another not to leave the other person with unfair debt. Consequently, we find ourselves in a transitional state in which we will be selling the house and privately settling our collective debts before we part ways. In the meantime, we live as friends, roommates, and siblings. Story #2 - Kevin's Story I never dated very much in high school. I was always a little afraid of dates and it simply wasn’t something I was interested in. My only real concern was “why don’t I care?” I do recall in gym class checking out the other guys while changing in the locker rooms. Again, it never occurred to me that this was anything but normal. I figured that everyone else was doing the same thing. When I did date I only dared to kiss my date and nothing else being terrified to try anything more. High school came and went and in my college years I never even bothered to date at all. In fact my first real sexual experience with a girl was a total DISASTER! I couldn’t even get an erection and was horrified and humiliated. Of course she said it was alright, but it wasn’t. By this time all my friends either had girlfriends or were already married and preparing for a family. I wanted this too, in the worse way, but was feeling very lonely. I had always wondered and fantasized about sex with men. I was even hit on several times by other men but was too afraid to follow through. I was basically not out to myself and not willing to admit that I couldn’t have it all. I desperately wanted what my parents had, a wife, kids and a happy home with a picket fence. Back in the 60s and 70s wanting this and being gay were just not possible. But, quite honestly and even though it was men that caught my attention, it never even crossed my mind that I might be gay. Sex education was non-existent and people joked about gay uncles and fags and such. Any movies back then that addressed it always showed exaggerated characters with feathers and cigarette holders and a limp wrist and that simply was not me. There were no role models and never knew that I was gay. I met my future wife and we fell madly in love. In looking back, I now know that I am gay so, when I relate this story, it easy to ask how can a gay man love a woman? But I truly and honestly did. I felt confident that my curiosity in men was a passing thing and that my life would proceed along its merry way. This was the path of least resistance, and I felt relieved that things had seemed to somehow magically work themselves out. We went on to have two wonderful children and our lives seemed like any other normal family, not Norman Rockwell but good enough. We had lots of good times as well as bad. By and by Mary and I began to have trouble. We went to marriage counseling and in therapy it came out that, as a child, she had been sexually abused by her father. We worked out our issues at the time and moved forward. Approximately fifteen years ago that old monster reared his unwelcomed face again. I felt guilty about my feelings but I justified it since I never actually acted on those feelings. I resorted to visiting adult book stores and watching gay porn. I no longer enjoyed sex with Mary finding that I would rather masturbate and fantasize about sex with men. Not surprisingly Mary and I started having marital problems again about a year and a half ago. After an argument and out of frustration, I again went to a bookstore and this time I found that I was no longer too afraid to follow through on sex with another man. This scared me at first but I soon began to realize who and what I was. I began to actively seek out other men on the internet and I was able to arrange meetings with them due to the on-the-road nature of my job. As with other men, I met Steve on the internet and I fell in love with him the first time he and I spoke on the phone. The chemistry was instant. Talk about “love at first sight,” this was “love at the first word.” We finally met face to face over soft drinks at a local McDonalds and so began our fateful affair. Steve and I spoke as often as possible on the phone and met up whenever I could get away. Even then our time on the phone was limited because of the minutes on my cell plan. If I began to go over my minutes then that would raise suspicion. Eventually we switched to the same cell provider as me and so that problem was solved. Our time together was precious and our sex was perfect except that it wasn’t often enough. We resorted to clandestine meetings in Steve’s home and even resorted to the odd date in a cheap motel room. Again, due to the on-the-road nature of my job Steve would frequently take a day off of his job and spend it with me on the road. These days together as a couple were valued and mostly had little to do with sex. We would just spend the day together talking and relating as a couple reveling in the opportunity to express our feelings for each other. As I mentioned before, Mary and I began to have marital problems again which got more serious about six months into my relationship with Steve. I would lie in bed at night and hope that Mary would just leave me alone. “Please don’t touch me,” I would think to myself. I know she was trying to use sex as a tool to fix our 30+ year relationship not understanding that sex was less the issue than gender. I avoided sex with her as tactfully as I could often pretending to be asleep. When that didn’t work then I would climb on top of her and work at making her happy. I cannot remember the last time I had an orgasm with her. Basically I faked it so that she would leave me alone. Eventually I got up the courage to tell that I no longer enjoyed sex. She panicked seeing that the handwriting was on the wall and having no real understanding of the true reason behind it. She is smart enough to know that my admission of this was possible the beginning of the end of our relationship, and she immediately arranged for marriage counseling. Counseling began uneventfully enough and our histories came out including Mary’s history of abuse. Eventually I made an appointment with the therapist for a one-on-one session and I came out to her explaining that my goal in therapy was to come out to my wife, and I have to give the therapist credit for how sensitively she handled the whole issue. She must have felt awkward but, as the sessions with Mary and I went on, she gradually and caringly lead my wife to a point where she was as ready as she would ever be to hear the news. After many sleepless nights and countless hours of anticipation I eventually got up the courage to come out to my wife at a session with the therapist. It was extremely rough, especially at first. Thinking back I feel that the first two weeks after coming out to my wife was harder on me than when my parents died. Mary was enormously traumatized and, as of this writing, continues her struggles to adjust. I know this was the right thing to do no matter how hard it’s been. What were my choices? I could either stay in a lie of a marriage or move forward toward a life that was authentic at last. Steven and Mary actually spoke on a few occasions after I came out. He explained to her that the only thing worse than me telling her the truth would be not to have told her. When he asked her if she would rather continue on not knowing the truth and living a lie she replied, “Yes.” I think that’s true, and I only hope and pray that she can come to see that I had no choice. Steve and I have lived together now as partners and out to his family and mine for nearly six years. My children, both adults, are beginning to adjust and I strive to maintain my relationships with them. Steve’s children and I are also getting along nicely and I’m grateful that at least my children and his are able to bend and adjust their attitudes towards their fathers. This is especially important recently as the laws in Illinois changed this past January and we plan to get a civil union in a few months. I hope that someday my children, and even Mary, will come to a place where they can fully accept me and my partner for what we truly are. Until then I look forward to spending the rest of my life with someone who knows me and loves me for what I really am. Story #3 - Nick's Story I was born in 1967 the year of the Stonewall riots…I guess that should have been the first clue. However, ever since I could remember (perhaps age 8) I knew I looked at other boys differently that everyone around me seemed to, I didn’t know why, but I did know I was not supposed to and to be honest, I don’t even know why I knew that too. It was so confusing! I remember being excited as a teenager if I saw another guy naked in the locker room, or if I picked up a porno magazine with both naked girls and guys & of course I would look at both sexes, although I would always start by looking at the guys first. But I just didn’t know what was wrong with me. Then when a couple of other guys at school got bullied for being “gay,” I just knew that could not be me. They were feminine & dressed funny and listened to alternative music, all things that I didn’t relate to. Heck the only gay people that I’d ever heard of at the time were Boy George, Elton John & Liberace & again nobody that I could relate to. Therefore, I was sure I had to be straight and that these feelings would sort themselves out over time, I was sure everyone else also had to deal with them and this was just a normal thing that nobody talked about. So, I knew that I needed to date girls and put aside any thoughts about guys that would wander in my head and concentrate on being straight. So that’s what I did & like any other typical type-A overachiever, I did an excellent job of it. I had a few girl friends, experimented a little with sex and then I met an awesome girl, we clicked instantly, became best friends right away and I fell in love. There certainly was plenty of good sex going on as well. During this whole time of our courtship, I barely had any guy feelings left. So I considered myself cured, I really was straight, Hooray!! Then, as life settled in, houses were purchased, everything steadied to a nice comfortable existence, kids came along, life was good and my relationship with my wife became very easy, truly best friends. So why at this point in life did I allow myself to start looking at men again, which then started the same old urges and feelings to creep back into my head. As the years being married progressed these feelings would continue to get stronger, sometimes I would fight myself and push them back down, other times I would allow the thoughts to roam freely in my head and as every gay married man (in denial) will always experience, the ever increasing sense of doom continues to cloud your thoughts, until eventually you can no longer manage these feelings. You reach a point where you can barely function, you manage to just about get up, get to work, get home, you are carrying around a weight of demonic proportions, you don’t know what to do, but finally you know you just have to tell somebody. Because, the only other alternative is to give up …on life. I first “out-ed” myself to an acquaintance that I knew was gay. We had struck up a friendship as I knew I’d found a safe person to come out to (it’s much easier to pick off the low hanging fruit as we say). But I told him I was bi-sexual, I had feelings for men, but I also was very much in love with my wife and family. Thus started the slow and agonizing trip out of the closet. My friend's ability to make me be brutally honest about my feelings, to stop denying/lying to myself about just how deeply my feelings for men truly were, took me to the next step. I had to tell the person closest to me, the center of my world, my wife. She had no idea as I started to blow her world apart. Now this did not happen straight away, because I told her I thought I was Bi-sexual and with some help and counseling, we both felt fairly good that we could build something of this into a good relationship and future, albeit different. This was all because, if I was truly “Bi” then I could and thus would still want to be sexually with my wife. Not so!!!, with the friends involved and much advise from other professionals, they repeatedly and brutally forced me to stop denying and lying to myself. They called me out on my true deep feelings and inner thoughts for men. I know today that I can have a beautiful woman sexually available to me, and while I can certainly have sex with her, that does not make me bi-sexual, because if every man that has an attraction to another man is brutally honest with themselves in this situation, where an attractive man is also available, they will pick being with the man. This is what makes you gay and not bisexual. Until you realize you’re gay, you are still just covering up your deepest of attractions for men with societies programming you received growing up, making you think straight is still what you are. This is because you figure out the attractions you have are not all about sex, but about wanting to truthfully have everything that a normal relationship offers you, but with a man! When I finally came to terms with the fact that I was gay (about 3 months after initially coming out), my wife and I knew this changed everything. We talked and talked about how to make things work and hold a family together, but avoid the “D” word. But there just was no way around the fact that anything less than divorcing to release the bonds of marriage and allow both of us to pursue relationships with others that where of the sexual orientation we both needed. But how to preserve the family and friendship we had created for 20 years was something we equally felt needed to be done. My wife was adamant that she did not want to emotionally throw away the 20 year relationship we had, because it was good, we produced great kids and a great life, we both have very involved families. We also knew that hatred between us would destroy all of this and forever scar everyone involved. However, this is so much easier said than done. The burden was on me to prove I could be trusted and not abandon everyone, along with the overwhelming weight on my wife to try and heal from the devastation I’d caused, as everything she knew in her world was no longer a reality (or so she thought). I was not about to abandon any of the responsibilities I’d agreed to in getting married, with my family, kids, job, community, charitable organizations etc. But I was certain nobody would accept me as a gay man, however, I knew if they would just give me a chance to help them understand why I did this, why I’m not choosing to be gay, I’m just finally choosing to no longer deny it. But, I knew I would have to earn back everyone’s trust, starting with my wife. I was very clear although out this timeframe, that I was only choosing to be honest about being gay, and this was not something my wife had caused, I love her (just the same way I always have). This was not about finances and not being willing to support her and my family. My wife had asked that I stay in the house and as a family for a year, to help her deal with everything, to prepare her to deal with the world as a separated family. We spent a lot of time together, talking together with our counselor and both of our mutual families. We somewhat painfully took every aspect of our lives and very openly and honestly decided how we should separate things, spend time, honor commitments, be supportive of each other, handle finances and properties. All with the goal of preserving the friendship and love we always had for each other. I knew that if we set our goal of “being supportive of each other”, then everyone else in our lives would also adjust and “be alright” with the new relationship. This would start with our two children, if their mum and dad were seen as truly best friends and supportive of each other & not just for the kids sake, but because we do still care about each other, we are still a family with the same strong bonds, just divorced because Dad likes guys. This means that my wife had to deal with her anger and not focus on bringing hate into the relationship; this was where I had to spend a lot of time during the year of living together to help her with all aspects of her wide ranging emotions. But it was only fair; I’d had years and years to slowly come to terms with this, now my wife was thrust into having to deal with all of the same aspects, but in a much shorter time frame. Also, during this year, we would slowly begin to tell other family members and close friends what was going on and “out” me. I sat with every one of my family, my wife’s family and our close circle of friends and explained my story, and what we were trying to do as a family, also asking for their support. This process meant I was directly and indirectly coming out to several hundred people and I can say other than a couple of friends that disappeared for a few months only, nobody has abandoned either me or my wife. Unfortunately, my father (that I’ve had a very long distance relationship away) is disapproving of my choices, but as a family we have decided our new-style relationship is more important than just one person’s approval. Today, we are divorced and my wife and kids live in a new family home. She decided for the sake of memories and her future needs to move to a smaller more manageable home. Her father and I have worked a lot on remodeling projects on their home. We are still having some family vacation time away together, I hang out at their house on a weekly basis, and we have family style dinners. It should also be noted, that I was and still run my in-laws family business throughout this whole coming out journey and that my now ex-wife works directly for me in our business. It’s almost the two-year anniversary of my coming out and as I write this piece, I’ve just received a text message from my wife after she left her counselors office today. It said “counselor is proud of us and doesn’t know anyone else that has done what we have….Pat ourselves on the back…Luv Yah” …She’s an amazing woman. I write this at the request of Bonnie to help closeted married men face the reality of their situation and know that for yourself and for the sake of your wife, you need to come out and be honest. It’s ultimately not about whether you are cheating or messing around even if it’s in plain sight, trying to fulfill a sex need. It’s, also not about your wife wanting to hold together the family and not lose you. The reasons you’re in this situation are no one person’s fault; it’s also not that your being gay was a choice, or that it’s selfish of you to want to live as a gay man. It’s about being honest with yourself, as a man that has attractions to other men. Thereafter, staying in a marriage for any reason (and not coming out) is akin to “playing-house” but with one person at the party not knowing why things are never quite as they seem. I will assure you, as time continues to move, this demon within you, will slowly consume you, it will tear at everything until you can no longer contain it. However, once the demon is out, you will forever wonder why being gay was so scary. Then eventually it becomes your responsibility to help everyone else come to terms & accept that you are still the same person in almost every way. Now you get to live your life with the ultimate sense of “freedom” and to finally feel you have earned the right to be the person you were born to be. A very special thanks to all three of these men who were willing to share their stories to bring understanding to all of us. If you would like to email any of them through me, just let me know. Happy Father's Day to the wonderful fathers who are part of our support network. And I would like to send a special thanks to Doug Dittmer who is always there to provide support to men who are struggling. Doug does incredible work, and if any of you would like to write to him or have your husband write to him, let me know and I will send you his contact information. Love to all of you who are picking up the pieces.

APRIL NEWSLETTER 2012

BONNIE KAYE'S STRAIGHT TALK

WAITING FOR HIS CONFESSION THAT WILL NEVER COME…AND WHY

Okay, I finally, finally get it. Although I’ve alluded to it numerous times in my writing, I had to really get this clear in my mind. Some of your husbands will never admit they are gay to you. You are standing around waiting for a confession so you can feel better about the void and lack of intimacy in your marriage. If only you could get a confession…if only you could hear him say those magic words…if only you found the proof you need…if only, if only….

Guest what? It is not going to happen. I wrote about this ten years ago when I described the Straight-Gay man. Since it has been a while since some of you have read it, I am going to repeat it here because I believe it helps you understand these men who won’t tell you they are gay because they don’t believe they are gay. This article is from my newsletter dated January, 2002.

I have coined a new term for another classification of gay husbands. It is “Straight Gay Husbands.” I hope you like it. It is my new reference to gay men who are permanently living the straight life, sort of like wolves in sheep’s clothing. They are the husbands who will not acknowledge their homosexuality privately or publicly--ever. Some of them know that you know, but try to confuse you enough to put enough doubt in your mind to make you think that you are the crazy one. It’s the best defense to your “offensive” questions. These are the men that shut you up or shut you down the moment you think about making mention of the possibility of homosexuality. They know what they are, and they know what you suspect, but keep your mouth shut because they don’t want to hear about it--especially from you.

These men are different than the gay husbands that admit they are gay/bisexual but promise not to act on those needs while they remain married to you. (Like we really believe that story!) They are also different than the gay husbands who are leading very secret lives and not leaving a trail of crumbs for you to follow. They are not even quite like the Limbo Men I have described who are caught in between two worlds. These are men who are definitely not stuck. They are identifying strictly as straight. There is no way they are entering the gay world through the front or back door, or even through the closet. They detest the gay world and what it stands for which gives them even greater reassurance, at least to themselves, that they are not gay.

The Straight Gay Men are the ones who have to remain in total control of all of their physical motions lest someone should suspect they are not quite as straight as they claim. It’s funny how many women tell me how their husbands’ physical appearances, gestures, and movements change once they come out. I can’t even fathom how difficult it must be to have to go through life calculating every breath and step you take. It’s sort of like walking down a sidewalk and having to make sure that you “don’t step on a crack or you’ll break your mother’s back” as the game use to say. My balance and coordination never let me win that game.

These husbands are quick to use you and the children as their proof that they are not gay to the outside world just in case they let their guard down and anyone might accuse them of the “unthinkable.” They honestly don’t identify as gay even though they have sex with men. They don’t get themselves involved emotionally with men, just sexually. That helps them justify the fact that they are straight, not gay.

Some women can’t understand this. If you look like a duck, walk like a duck, act like a duck, but have sex with a goose, are you still a duck or are you a goose? I say you’re a goose. I don’t care what you act like to the outside world; I only look at who satisfies you sexually. And if you’re a duck making love to a goose, your feathers have to ruffle in a different direction when you stand up and straighten them out. But this does make things that much more confusing and complicated. So, to simplify your confusion, let me say this—STRAIGHT MEN DON’T HAVE GAY SEX. You can call it whatever makes you feel better, but I still call it gay—all the way.

Women who live with Straight Gay Men and Limbo Men are often the most commonly emotionally abused women. They would have to be. Their husbands are truly living in a complex world that makes little or any sense. They are living unfilled lives because they don’t have any emotional connections. They don’t connect emotionally with their wives because they aren’t really straight. They don’t connect emotionally with men because they refuse to be gay. And so they function but don’t connect. This lack of emotional connection creates a sense of insensitivity when it comes to your feelings and your emotions.

It also closes them up as human beings. They are unable to connect with a wife because they are living an internal--and what seems like an eternal--lie. This lie keeps overtaking any sense of good feelings towards the person whom they believe is responsible for this state of living—namely you. Now we know it is ridiculous to think that you should be their reason for living this lie, but subconsciously, this is how they feel.

As much as they love to have you as their “cover” is as much as they hate to have you sharing under their covers. They resent your nagging demands for sexual intimacy because it “isn’t their thing.” It’s your thing. And why do you have to try to make them feel inadequate just because they are? Even when you stop asking for it, you are still thinking about it and they can tell. It means they have to come up with a continuous string of stories to account for their lack of sexual behavior with you. This puts pressure on these guys who feel you are being unreasonable. Why do you have to make such a big deal out of sex?

They feel that in all other ways, they are ideal husbands. They are there raising the family with you. They are helping to support your financial needs or at least sharing in them. They are taking part in the social activities that you have decided are important. They are doing lots for you—and how do you show your appreciation? By badgering them with little innuendos and questioning looks. This really shows a lack of appreciation on your part and so they get pissed.

The Straight Gay Men think they are Supermen. And to a degree, they are. They juggle, manipulate, calculate, and carefully plan out all of their actions. It takes a lot of energy to do this, and they marvel at their ability to pull it off. It gives them an air of smugness that shows in their personality. I’m not quite sure what they think they’re pulling off because they know that you are doubtful of their explanations. There are only so many headaches, backaches, depressions, and side effects from medication that you can keep relying on. But they feel confident if they use these excuses enough, you’ll give up. Most women do. As I’ve said before numerous times, no woman wants to feel like she has to beg her husband to make love to her. It’s degrading and demeaning. We get the hint after enough sexual rejection and stop asking. But it doesn’t mean that we stop thinking—and wanting.

Every time we see other couples holding and caressing lovingly together, this is a reminder. It’s a reminder of what we thought we should have had but never were able to achieve. It’s a reminder of what our hopes and dreams were for married life when we took that life-altering step and said, “I do.” We are momentarily reminded of what marriage was supposed to be, but never became. And this sadness shows in our faces, in our eyes, and in our hearts. When our husbands glimpse at us, they know what we are thinking. They know what we are wishing. They know that the words they don’t want to hear may possibly be coming out of our mouths at any moment. Rather than take a chance and have to come up with one more excuse, they find some way to knock us down and put us back into the non-assertive mental state that they so easily know how to do.

We are women who have been conditioned. Remember, Straight Gay Men remain in the marriages indefinitely and have years to erode your sense of self-worth. They are not going anywhere, and they want to make sure that you feel inadequate enough so that you won’t go anywhere either. I don’t know who could have taught these men about the facts of life and marriage, but obviously, they weren’t listening or didn’t have a teacher. Didn’t anyone ever tell them that sex is part of marriage? Didn’t they ever hear that intimacy grows from making love to the person who loves you? Do they really believe that they can sit for years in a marriage and overlook that little detail? Yes, they do. And we become their silent partners because we have been silenced on the issue of sex.

The irony is that even if you leave these men, as some women do, they will remarry again. Yes, they will remarry another woman. They will still do their occasional gay sex thing to satisfy their sexual need, but that goes with the territory. It is amazing to me how these men can live such a delusional existence until the day they die. And they will drag other women into their web of deceit. The next victim (and men who do this more than once are victimizers) will fall for it just like you did—but even better. Your Straight Gay Husband has a track record. He will still use you as his shield by telling his next conquest that he was married before, ergo, he is straight. And the woman who is in a subsequent marriage with this man has no reason to question his sexuality at all. He married before; he’s marrying again. Chances are his next wife will feel even more inadequate than you feel. He’ll make sure to tell her that the two of you never had problems in the bedroom before. And if she does meet you, she’ll be too embarrassed to ask you the truth. And you’ll probably keep protecting him.

So if you are in a long-term marriage to a Straight Gay Man, don’t plan on things ever getting better. There may be temporary second honeymoon periods, only to prove to you once again that you are crazy for even suspecting there is something wrong with your wonder man. But it’s guaranteed that things will resort back to the “normal” pattern of digs, harsh words, and put-downs. Count on it. Then decide if this is the most that you want out of life because as long as you are in this marriage, this is all you can expect.

Looking back over these words from ten years ago, I must say these words were right-on. The only difference is today I understand the concept better because there is a word that describes what these husbands do: COMPARTMENTALIZE.
For those of you who are not familiar with this phrase, let me give you a good definition:

Compartmentalization is an unconscious psychological defense mechanism used to avoid cognitive dissonance, or the mental discomfort and anxiety caused by a person having conflicting values, cognitions, emotions, beliefs, etc. within themselves. Compartmentalization allows these conflicting ideas to co-exist by inhibiting direct or explicit acknowledgement and interaction between separate compartmentalized self states.

The Straight Gay Men live their lives this way. They are able to separate their need for sexual dabbling with a man from their “straight lives” as straight husbands. I do tell our women that as long as you allow your husband to live in his “compartmentalized closet,” he will remain there forever. The fact that you remain in the marriage to him allows him to justify even more that he is straight—especially in his own mind. After all, his wife isn’t going anywhere, right? This convinces him even more.

So if your happiness is waiting for a confession that won’t be coming, do yourself a favor and stop waiting for it. Take control of your life and GET OUT before you allow yourself to totally lose who you are. Remember—if your husband can’t admit he is gay to himself, he will never admit it to you. In his own warped sense of reality, he is a straight man.

AND SPEAKING ABOUT LIVING IN THE WORLD OF DENIAL…

I know that the news that your husband is gay is last thing you want to hear from your husband. Your whole world as you know it has fallen apart by those few little words that can never be taken back. I also know there are some women who are so in love with their husbands and so desperate to hang on to their marriages that they believe it won’t matter if their mates are gay or not. After all, they’ve been happy in their marriages up until now, and surely there’s a way to work around the “gay” thing. You can find these women in groups all over the Internet exchanging ideas on how to emotionally manipulate their husbands into staying instead of leaving. In fact, they could have their own pathetic sit-com television show right after Fran Dresher’s show and call it “Desperate Straight Wives.”

To these women, I say, “How long do you want to play the guilt card, ladies? Isn’t there something wrong with women who have to make a man feel guilty in order to keep him from leaving?” Boy, I thought my self-esteem was low when I was 21 and hanging on to the leg of an ex-lover and crying hysterically while begging him not to leave because I was so in love with him. Yep, at 21, that was my lowest point of life that thankfully, I never repeated this with a man again. I won’t say I had “low self-esteem” at that point; rather I had “no self-esteem.” I was pitiful for sure. And trust me, I know I’m not the only one out there who was in that position at one time or another. I learned to become stronger because I didn’t like that pathetic woman who lived inside of me. But that’s what life is—a learning and growing experience for most of us. I wish these women would learn sooner than later that emotional blackmail doesn’t make for a healthy marriage. Like I said--tough love. That’s the new me! And you thought I was tough before?

I know that the thought of ending a marriage is overwhelming, devastating, fear-producing, emotionally breaking, and bunches of more adjectives that we all can describe. But the fear of staying married to a gay man should be even worse. Imagine living with a man for another 10 or 20 years who only—at best—wants to be your friend. Imagine worrying every time he walks out the door that he’s going to meet a “hook up” that may turn out to be his true soulmate in life. I lived like that for a while, but it was very mentally wearing on me.

I know many of us play the game called “how much can I live with?” First we think, “If it’s only some gay pictures on the computer, I can live with that.” Then it’s, “If it’s just meeting some other gay people in his situation, I can live with that.” Then it’s, “If he has to go out and do his thing every six months and I don’t have to know, I can live with that.” You know how the story goes. And trust me, while you are “living with that,” whatever that may be, it is very debilitating. I used to say when I offered my ex-husband an inch, he looked at it as an invitation to take a foot.

The problem is that a lot of these men can’t live with just that—especially the ones who are coming out to you and being honest for the first time in their lives. They know that they can’t keep living life as a straight husband. Why? Because they are gay. And although these on-line groups will teach you how to come up with every manipulative trick to keep your man at home, you are only deluding yourself by believing this will work itself out. It doesn’t—it can’t. You can delay his departure by using all the guilt you choose to use, but it is going to backfire in your face. He will grow to resent you for trying to keep him where he doesn’t belong. He will feel more trapped in a cage than an animal. And he will respond by running harder and faster leaving you behind in the dust.

By the time a man comes out to his wife—it’s not about just sex. These guys are not the Straight Gay Men or even Limbo Men or Bisexuals. They are gay. They have accepted who they are and need to re-create their destiny. Sure, it hurts like hell, but you will survive. You can still stay a family unit at times when the willingness is there on both of your parts. There are some decent divorces that continue on with the friendship and even love as a family member—just not as a husband. But holding on to something that you can never really have is destructive to you and your children. Listening to others who teach women ways to “hang on” to their gay husbands is not going to ever result in the happiness you deserve to have.

A RECOMMENDED BLOGI was so lucky to meet my wonderful friend Debbie when I went to Texas. Debbie is like an angel--kind, beautiful, caring, and compassionate. Debbie has been working through her own terrible times, and yet, she always has time to help other women. She has a wonderful blog that you can visit and join. She writes about feelings that affect all of us.
Take a moment a pay it a visit. Here is the link:

http://dwooding.blogspot.com


FRAN DRESCHER UPDATE

Several weeks ago, I posted this note on my blog.

This week, there were numerous advertisements announcing the return of Fran Drescher’s sit-com Happily Divorced. I could not believe it. Do you mean to tell me that there are enough people watching this comedy series about the painful marriages of over 4 million straight women to renew it for another season? Who would believe it?

As a counseling authority in the field of straight-gay marriages for nearly 30 years, I find it so offensive that Fran Drescher cannot see the lack of humor that over 4 million women in this country suffer from when they find themselves in a doomed marriage of distortion for 10, 20, 30, and 40 plus years of their lives because of their husbands' lies. None of them are making jokes about their marriages or the years that follow as Fran does in her show. They have suffered humiliation for years that were stolen and can never be returned. When a woman of 60 plus years writes to me to tell me that the only sex she had in her life for forty years was the dozen or so times with her gay husband who found numerous reasons to say “no” to her requests because she now discovered he is a gay man—it really makes me ill. What gives a gay man the right to do this to a woman? How selfish can a husband be to withhold this truth from the woman he vowed in front of God to love and cherish? Is this love? I don’t think so.

I have worked with over 75,000 women through the years. These are women who have lost all sense of who they are because they are living in a marriage to a gay man—but the joke is on them because their husbands hardly ever tell them the truth. Their marriages lack the real ingredients that marriage is about—trust, honesty, passion, making love, showing devoted love to the woman who is devotes her life to a man who can never treat her like a straight husband would. Let’s not even get into the tens of thousands of women who are now suffering with STD’s like AIDS/HIV, herpes, syphilis, and gonorrhea because their gay husbands were having unprotected sex with anonymous sex partners.

In an interview with Fran in the Huffington Post this week about her support for gay marriages, she reminded people that she was raped in 2002 in her home as well as her best girl friend by a black man. Her point of bringing up the race issue was that she doesn’t hold it against black people that she was raped; therefore, she doesn’t hold it against gay people that her ex-husband is gay. That gave me a new idea. Maybe Fran should consider doing a comedy about her rape for a next show. Since she does such an excellent job at making jokes at her misfortunes, maybe she can try that angle for her next show. She can call it “Unhappily Raped.”

Straight Wives don’t feel the same impact as a rape victim which is a heinous crime—but they do feel extremely violated and betrayed. Some of them are physically abused throughout this ordeal and the vast majority of women are emotionally abused by men who feel caught in their own web of deceit of marriage. This leads to continual mental abuse on a daily basis because the gay husband feels he is stuck in the marriage muck when in fact, he chooses to remain there because he is too much of a coward to get out. It’s easier to beat his wife down blaming her for his unhappiness than to take responsibility for his actions by telling her the truth. And please don’t tell me he’s staying there because he “loves” her. Most of these men have such contempt for their wives that love isn’t a factor by the point they realize they can’t get rid of those nagging attractions to men.

In my book “The Gay Husband Checklist for Women Who Wonder,” I have a chapter on the prototype of a woman that a gay man marries—and in Fran’s case—stays with even though the marriage is off kilter. One of those categories is about women who were victims of sexual abuse. When women have been sexually abused or raped, their desire for a healthy sexual relationship with a man is often damaged. Perhaps that is why Fran felt relieved when her husband stopped having regular relations with her. She may have been just as relieved as her husband was when she backed away. And maybe this is also why she can be so forgiving to her ex-husband who didn’t tell her that he was gay until after the marriage was over.

The problem with Fran passing off her life with a gay husband as “funny” while she continues to make a joke out of the struggles of those whose lives have been shattered is the public will never be able to understand the reality of how our lives have broken us mentally, emotionally, and sexually. The public will continue to view us as unsympathetic whiners when we should be double-dating with our husbands’ new boyfriends. After all, Fran thinks it is a laugh. When are we going to learn to lighten up a bit and make fun at our own misfortune? I say never. I don’t believe in laughing at the pain of others. But that’s me.

MAILBAG

Dear Bonnie,
I am writing you to thank you for the ongoing support you continue to give thousands of women each month through your newsletters and radio show. I live in Montana—home of the Brokeback Mountain gay men—and there is very little support for women who learn their husbands are gay.

My story is so similar to the stories I have been reading about in your newsletters for the past two years. I married at a young age, I was sexually inexperienced, and I came from a family where there was abuse by my father. Actually, I didn’t expect very much for myself except not to be as unhappy as my mother was.

When I was in my last year of high school, I met a guy, Don (not his real name), who was a year older than me. He paid a lot of attention to me and made me feel really special. I didn’t feel very special in my own house where my drunken father would often degrade me and my siblings making us feel worthless. My mother was so beaten down from living like this for years that she didn’t have the strength to stand up and stop my dad.

On my 18th birthday, Don proposed to me. He was 19 and about to join the military. He promised me that he could give me a better life—and that he loved me. I believed he did love me. He never pressured me for sex, and I thought that proved he really cared. We were married in a private ceremony three weeks later. Don was due to leave any day, and at least this way I could move into an apartment away from the chaos I knew.

Our honeymoon was a 3-day trip to Las Vegas. We didn’t really consummate our marriage until we returned home. Don admitted he was also a virgin, and he wanted the moment that we had sex to be perfect. I will say that our first time wasn’t good, but I wrote that off to the fact that neither one of us had any previous experience. I would tell you about our second time, but it didn’t happen before Don went overseas about two weeks later.

Don was deployed overseas for a year. I heard from him every few days. I felt so bad that he was taken away from me before the marriage even began, but I understood this was for our future. When he did return from overseas, he spent a second year in the military, so we were separated throughout most of that time as well.

When he returned, it was a hard adjustment period. After all, we had been married for two years but only been together for about three weeks. Don was having “adjustment” problems, but he said that is normal after men come home from a tour of duty. Part of that adjustment problem involved making love to me. He did hold me and snuggle with me, but to get much more out of him was really difficult. Amazingly, I got pregnant the first year he was home—amazingly because we were only together a half a dozen times. And those times were always a struggle.

Don was working on a ranch in our area. He was a very manly kind of man which always appealed to me. He wore a cowboy hat and boots for his job, and in my mind, I was so lucky to have someone who loved me so much. I know our relationship wasn’t “blazing with fire,” but I also knew I felt safe and secure. In our third year of marriage, I was pregnant again. Our sex life had been reduced to three times that year, so I really felt lucky that one of those three times produced my precious second child.

After that, we really didn’t have sex anymore. It was okay with me, because when we did have it, it wasn’t that exciting for me. There was no foreplay or passion—it was just kind of “obligatory” sex—or at least it felt that way.

I suppose I didn’t complain because my life was so happy with the children and Don.
He still held me at night when we went to bed, and he always told me he loved me. He was a good father to the children who loved playing with him. It was so different than living at home with my parents which was always chaotic and nerve-wracking never knowing when my drunken father would target us. My children would NEVER grow up in a home like mine.

About nine years into the marriage, Don said he was switching jobs from one ranch to another one. He explained he would make an additional $200.00 a week which would really help our bills. The only problem was that sometimes he would be required to stay there overnight in case the boss had to go away on a business trip or short vacation. I wasn’t happy about that, but I did know the extra money would help since I was a stay-at-home mom.

From the beginning of that new job, Don was away once or twice a week a night sleeping over at the ranch. He would tell me ahead of time and pack an overnight bag. This went on for the first year at the job, but then he seemed like he was changing. He wasn’t holding me anymore when we slept, and he didn’t even want to sleep in the same bed. I became extremely frustrated and didn’t know why he was emotionally distancing himself from me. He came up with reasons like he was “depressed” or going through “post traumatic stress” from the service.

One day he came home and said he had to talk to me. He told me we had been married for ten years and that he didn’t feel it was working. He didn’t blame me—he told me that I was a very good wife—but he had gotten married too soon, had a family too soon, and that he felt like he was “missing out in life.” I was devastated and had no clue what he was talking about. Maybe our life wasn’t perfect, but it was good. I always tried to make him happy and put his needs before my own. I never brought up the fact that we didn’t have any intimacy left in our relationship. Maybe that was bothering him so I asked him if I failed him in that way. He swore to me this had nothing to do with his problem.

Don said he wanted to take a “break” from the family, and he asked me to please be patient. He would send me money each week to keep the household going, and he would call me a few times a week to check on me and the kids. I admit it—I didn’t get it. I was reeling from the hurt and felt so alone.

Then something very bizarre happened shortly after his “break” began. I received a phone call from a man named Cliff (also not his real name.) He told me that Don and he were lovers and that I should not stand in their way of finding true happiness. I was so shocked and started yelling at this man asking him why he was playing such a horrible joke on me. He told me that Don and him were supposed to live together, but because of my constant “threatening” him, he wasn’t able to do it. He then asked why I was trying to hold on to someone who didn’t want me anymore.

When I hung up on Cliff, I was crying hysterically. I called Don who explained that the man was mentally imbalanced and a “homo” who had a crush on him. He constantly rejected the man because he didn’t want to be friends with a gay man. It made him ill to think about it.

I felt as if my world was falling down around me. First Don needs “space” to think about his happiness, and now this man is calling and accusing me of stopping Don from finding his happiness in the arms of another man. What was going on?

Sadly, I had no family support. My family was such a dysfunctional mess that I had no one there to turn to. That is when I wrote to you and you made me feel that I wasn’t alone—anymore—as you said. After reading all of your information, I realized that I was married to a gay man. I saved the number from the caller ID of Cliff’s phone call and called him back after reading your words. He was very happy to talk to me and explain how they had been seeing each other for the past three years. They were supposed to move in together, but Don kept explaining that I would never let him go. He was quite shocked when he found out that Don was gone.

The story ends with a twist—Don was gone, but he had met another man. Cliff didn’t lose him to me—he lost him to a new gay lover. It has been just over two years since he left our family. He still sends money every week, but he rarely sees the children. He refuses to discuss his private life with me telling me that it is none of my business what he does. There is no real remorse—no truth—and no apology. This has definitely made me stronger. At least I understand why my marriage was filled with a void and why sex was never what it should be. I am now going to school part-time so I can become financially independent. The dream of a stable home that I promised to give my children has had to be “redesigned” not to include a father. I am still hopeful that someday I may meet a man who can love me for me and not feel used. I am sure if Don would ever do the right thing and tell me the truth, I would feel differently than I feel now. He knows I know the truth from Cliff, but he still won’t admit it to me.

Bonnie, thank you for being there during my darkest days, and thank you to all of the women who tell their stories so courageously here. I hope my story will help some woman realize that she doesn’t have to do this alone. There is always support.
Elizabeth (this IS my real name!)


Thank you, Elizabeth for sharing your heart-felt story.

Until next month—
With love and hope,
Bonnie Kaye

FRAN DRESHER--UNHAPPILY RAPED

This week, there were numerous advertisements announcing the return of Fran Drescher’s sit-com Happily Divorced. I could not believe it. Do you mean to tell me that there are enough people watching this comedy series about the painful marriages of over 4 million straight women to renew it for another season? Who would believe it?

As a counseling authority in the field of straight-gay marriages for nearly 30 years, I find it so offensive that Fran Drescher cannot see the lack of humor that over 4 million women in this country suffer from when they find themselves in a doomed marriage of distortion for 10, 20, 30, and 40 plus years of their lives because of their husbands' lies. None of them are making jokes about their marriages or the years that follow as Fran does in her show. They have suffered humiliation for years that were stolen and can never be returned. When a woman of 60 plus years writes to me to tell me that the only sex she had in her life for forty years was the dozen or so times with her gay husband who found numerous reasons to say “no” to her requests because she now discovered he is a gay man—it really makes me ill. What gives a gay man the right to do this to a woman? How selfish can a husband be to withhold this truth from the woman he vowed in front of God to love and cherish? Is this love? I don’t think so.

I have worked with over 75,000 women through the years. These are women who have lost all sense of who they are because they are living in a marriage to a gay man—but the joke is on them because their husbands hardly ever tell them the truth. Their marriages lack the real ingredients that marriage is about—trust, honesty, passion, making love, showing devoted love to the woman who is devotes her life to a man who can never treat her like a straight husband would. Let’s not even get into the tens of thousands of women who are now suffering with STD’s like AIDS/HIV, herpes, syphilis, and gonorrhea because their gay husbands were having unprotected sex with anonymous sex partners.

In an interview with Fran in the Huffington Post this week about her support for gay marriages, she reminded people that she was raped in 2002 in her home as well as her best girl friend by a black man. Her point of bringing up the race issue was that she doesn’t hold it against black people that she was raped; therefore, she doesn’t hold it against gay people that her ex-husband is gay. That gave me a new idea. Maybe Fran should consider doing a comedy about her rape for a next show. Since she does such an excellent job at making jokes at her misfortunes, maybe she can try that angle for her next show. She can call it “Unhappily Raped.”

Straight Wives don’t feel the same impact as a rape victim which is a heinous crime—but they do feel extremely violated and betrayed. Some of them are physically abused throughout this ordeal and the vast majority of women are emotionally abused by men who feel caught in their own web of deceit of marriage. This leads to continual mental abuse on a daily basis because the gay husband feels he is stuck in the marriage muck when in fact, he chooses to remain there because he is too much of a coward to get out. It’s easier to beat his wife down blaming her for his unhappiness than to take responsibility for his actions by telling her the truth. And please don’t tell me he’s staying there because he “loves” her. Most of these men have such contempt for their wives that love isn’t a factor by the point they realize they can’t get rid of those nagging attractions to men.

In my book “The Gay Husband Checklist for Women Who Wonder,” I have a chapter on the prototype of a woman that a gay man marries—and in Fran’s case—stays with even though the marriage is off kilter. One of those categories is about women who were victims of sexual abuse. When women have been sexually abused or raped, their desire for a healthy sexual relationship with a man is often damaged. Perhaps that is why Fran felt relieved when her husband stopped having regular relations with her. She may have been just as relieved as her husband was when she backed away. And maybe this is also why she can be so forgiving to her ex-husband who didn’t tell her that he was gay until after the marriage was over.

The problem with Fran passing off her life with a gay husband as “funny” while she continues to make a joke out of the struggles of those whose lives have been shattered is the public will never be able to understand the reality of how our lives have broken us mentally, emotionally, and sexually. The public will continue to view us as unsympathetic whiners when we should be double-dating our husbands’ new boyfriends. After all, Fran thinks it is a laugh. When are we going to learn to lighten up a bit and make fun at our own misfortune? I say never. I don’t believe in laughing at the pain of others. But that’s me.
Bonnie Kaye, M.Ed.

FEBRUARY NEWSLETTER 2012

WHAT WOULD YOU DO?

I admit it—I am really behind on television in my life and especially shows that are current. When one of our women sent me the link to the show “What Would You Do” on ABC several weeks ago, I was totally unaware of the show. However, I watched the promo where a couple posed as married and celebrated their anniversary in a busy restaurant. The wife excused herself to go to the bathroom, and the husband’s gay lover, who was observing the couple from the bar, went over to the married man to embrace and kiss him in public. The question was, “What would you do?” Would you tell the wife her husband was smooching with another man or would you mind your own business?

I often discuss this in our support chat with women who don’t know what to do when their husbands start dating other women—and these are ex-WIVES that know the truth, not just bystanders observing. The people who responded to the ABC survey (where you can still vote at http://abcnews.go.com/blogs/entertainment/2012/01/husband-cheats-with-male-lover-would-you-tell/) are pretty evenly split with those who would tell slightly winning over those who would not because it’s “none of their business.”

Through the years, women have asked me what to do if their husbands start dating another woman. And as many of us know, some gay men will continue to date and marry women—in fact, some will do it multiple times. Should straight wives keep quiet and mind their own business? Should they confront the woman and tell her the truth about the gay husband?

Interestingly enough, many of the women I’ve discussed this with would not tell. In fact, a few years ago I did a survey here and found that to be the case. Yes—I was really surprised and didn’t expect the response I received with the large numbers of “No’s.” It was interesting to listen to the women’s reasons:

• She wouldn’t believe me anyhow.
• I had to learn the hard way—let her find out the same way.
• Someday she’ll call me and then I’ll tell her if she asks me.
• My ex will only lie, and she’ll believe him.
• It’s not my job to “out” my ex-husband.
• I don’t have concrete proof, so what could I tell her?
• I’m getting child support and alimony, so I can’t take a chance on losing it.

Hmmm—legitimate reasons? I’m not saying no. I’m just saying that I’m surprised. I say that because I know how much each and every one of us reading this newsletter truly had her life turned upside down from being married to a gay man. We know the pain. We know the emotional turmoil that we have all been through. And that’s what puzzles me. Why allow some unsuspecting woman who is most likely just like you—kind, loving, compassionate, and understanding—walk into a web of lies and deceit if you can stop it? We know the kind of gay husbands who are the “straight-gay men.” These men will continue to coast through the straight world proving themselves worthy of justifying that they are “straight guys” by marrying another woman—or women. We all know the types—and some of you are or have been married to them.

Even if the new woman wouldn’t believe you, the thought is planted in her head. Of course, these women have already been adequately brainwashed by your ex-husband about how “crazy” you are and how your mission is to destroy his life by spreading the most vicious of rumors. He’s already told her that you’ll stoop to any level to make her leave him—even telling people that he’s gay. Ha, ha. What a joke. He was married and had children, right? And now he’s engaged or married again. Ha, ha. Again. He really thinks he can keep having the last laugh. Yep, put any thoughts of the truth to rest before the new wife starts wondering if something is wrong in “her” while she is in a relationship with your gay ex-husband.
What I find ironic is that the overwhelming majority of us say that we WISH someone would have told us, and how ANGRY we feel when people tell us after-the-fact that they always knew or suspected. And yet, when we see a new woman getting ready to step into quicksand, we turn the other way and say, “Hopefully she won’t sink.” Yikes! No one walks on quicksand—sinking is the only option.

I know there are lots of emotional issues when presented with this situation. I was once in this situation myself, and it wasn’t easy to do the right thing. But in time, I couldn’t let the lie keep perpetuating itself. I couldn’t stand to see a wonderful woman suffering because she believed something was wrong with her when it wasn’t. I always tell women that if you can’t tell her, I will be happy to accept the responsibility. I will send the woman one of my books (as I have done for a few women who requested it) and tell her that she needs to read the stories. Power is knowledge. She may not want to believe it at that moment, but when things start falling apart—as they always do—she’ll know exactly why.

You can still vote in that ABC poll. Please go to that link and vote YES—tell the wife. Let people know that keeping this kind of secret is not a secret that should be kept. Remember—it’s not a matter of outing him—it’s a matter of informing a woman of something that will only create unhappiness in her life.

ONE MILLION MOMS
Recently, there was much ado in the news from a group called One Million Moms about Ellen Degeneres representing JC Penny stores in their advertising. Why? Because she is a lesbian and does not represent “family values.” I don’t know much about the organization, nor do I have any idea how many women are really part of this group that stresses Christian Family Values. It could be ten—or it could be a million. Regardless, the message is scary.
One of our straight wives, my friend Debbie in Texas, brought this to my attention when she received this letter from the One Million Moms organization:

From: OneMillionMoms [omm@afa.net]
Sent: Wednesday, February 01, 2012 10:00 AM
To: Debra xxxxx
Subject: JC Penney Offends Traditional Families Again
February 1, 2012

Dear Debbie,
Recently JC Penney announced that comedian Ellen Degeneres will be the company's new spokesperson. Funny that JC Penney thinks hiring an open homosexual spokesperson will help their business when most of their customers are traditional families. More sales will be lost than gained unless they replace their spokesperson quickly. Unless JC Penney decides to be neutral in the culture war then their brand transformation will be unsuccessful.

Their marketing strategy is to help families shop and receive a good value for their money. Degeneres is not a true representation of the type of families that shop at their store. The majority of JC Penney shoppers will be offended and choose to no longer shop there. The small percentage of customers they are attempting to satisfy will not offset their loss in sales.

JC Penney has made a poor decision and must correct their mistake fast to retain loyal customers and not turn away potential new, conservative shoppers with the company's new vision.

"Importantly, we share the same fundamental values as Ellen," said Michael Francis, president of J.C. Penney Company in a press statement. "At JC Penney, we couldn't think of a better partner to help us put the fun back into the retail experience. Moving forward, we'll be focused on being in sync with the rhythm of our customers' lives and operating in a 'Fair and Square' manner that is rooted in integrity, simplicity and respect. We're thrilled that she's joining our team to help convey the exciting transformation under way."

"They have an incredible vision for the future and are completely re-inventing themselves to become America's favorite store," said DeGeneres in a press statement.

By jumping on the pro-gay bandwagon, JC Penney is attempting to gain a new target market and in the process will lose customers with traditional values that have been faithful to them over all these years.

* UPDATE: In a previous campaign we emailed Disney Channel and requested that the film "Little Manhattan" no longer air on their channel or at the very least cut out the offensive scenes. It did not air for some time. During last night's episode on January 31, the curse word OMM was concerned about being in a children's movie on a kid's network has been edited! The 10-year-old Gabe originally said, "What the hell?!" and now the word "hell" has been edited. Instead of the obnoxious beep to bleep out the foul language, which would raise questions, it was just removed.

TAKE ACTION! Make a personal phone call to JC Penney's customer service department. Their numbers are 972-431-8200 (customer service) and 972-431-1000 (corporate headquarters).

Ask JC Penney to replace Ellen Degeneres as their new spokesperson immediately and remain neutral in the culture war.

Sincerely, Monica Cole, Director OneMillionMoms.com

Debbie sent a response to the organization that I would like to share with you.

OMM,

Please take the time to read this heartfelt email from me, one mother, to you, many mothers. I appreciate most of the notices and warnings you send out, but I believe we should give a break to the homosexual community and those who support it and this is why:

I have been married to a "devout" Christian man for almost 13 years. I recently found out that he is a homosexual. I do not know that he was out having affairs, BUT he chose to hide his true sexual orientation from me because of the shame from the church and society should he reveal his true identity. He thought he could live a normal married life and love a woman, but it turned out that he could not. No gay man can. Thousands of Christian women are unknowingly married to a gay man. These marriages cannot be normal or healthy. Wives wonder for years why their husbands cannot emotionally and sexually bond with them. They begin to feel that it is their fault and often the husbands are happy to make them think that the dysfunction is the wife's problem. Some of these men will never reveal their true identity and will keep their wives suffering for their entire married life. Most will act on their urges and have liaisons with many men, thus putting their wives in danger of contracting sexually transmitted diseases. Some will be found out and others will not. Some brave ones will decide to come out to their wives and give their wives an opportunity to leave the troubled marriage that isn't a real marriage, in my opinion, based on the foundational lie of the man's true sexual orientation. Even if the husband never strays physically in the marriage, he cannot love his wife in the way God intended because his inner desires for being emotionally and sexually intimate with a man rule his inner life. Plus he is living a lie in his church and community.

My husband works in Christian PR and is hiding the truth from all his friends, colleagues, and clients. If they ask him why his wife left, he tells them that she has mental problems, which is another lie.

The church and anti-homosexual groups are part of the cause for homosexual men hiding in marriages with unsuspecting Christian women. The children in these homes do not see normal husband and wife affection or an appropriate emotional bond between their parents. My children do not know that husbands and wives can and should be physically affectionate with each other, even in appropriate ways in front of their children. They never saw it. My husband shied away from all my physical affection until I just gave up. They also didn't see their father being "real" in emotional ways. He was always so guarded and putting on a holier than thou front. The only time he showed some emotion was to angrily, condemningly, and destructively point out to the children where I was wrong. His lifelong cover-up has made him very selfish, and lies flow easily from his lips. His favorite verse to quote is "there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus". Yet, he only quotes that verse to defend himself, not me or others. He even co-leads a men's bible study at church, and a very recent study was on integrity. Marriage and the church are favorite places to hide for homosexual men who want to pretend they are someone else. My husband claims to have been healed of his homosexuality. He says that when he was in high school and college he secretly practiced homosexuality to some extent but was healed practically over night after some years of struggling and praying. He claims to have zero temptations to be with men. Well, even Christian ex-gay ministry spokespersons claim that their "healing" is ongoing and that they constantly battle temptations and urges but must suppress them and pray through them regularly. Most of them do not believe that one's sexual orientation can completely switch from homosexual to heterosexual, and that they must constantly do battle with the flesh. Yet, these men are also almost all married to Christian women. There are many mixed messages and schools of thought about these men, but the bottom line is that women and children are hurt and are not experiencing God's intended plan for marriage, a true oneness as with Christ and the church.

My story is virtually identical to thousands of women's stories. Please research this phenomenon. If you cannot stop hounding the gay community and those who support the homosexuals who chose not to live a lie, please at least find a way to reach out to the many, many Christian women who have found or will one day find themselves married to a closeted homosexual man. The Christian resources for women in this predicament are very few. There are some very good secular sources of help, but even they are few and far between. We could use support from you and other ministries that have the topic of support for women, marriage, and family in their mission statements.

Thank you for your time. I have written you before. I would love to receive any kind of response from you on this subject.

Sincerely,
Debbie Wooding
JC Penney Offends Traditional Families Again

These Christian groups have no idea how they contribute to the problem of gays marrying straights. As you know, Bonnie, the more homophobia that is spoken, spread, and published...the more challenging it will be for gays to live freely out of the closet.

Out of the so-called one million moms of OMM, I wonder how many more children will grow up thinking they are despicable sinners if they have same-sex attractions. These moms will have to choose to either support their children or to support an organization that condemns their children.
Debbie

Thank you, Debbie, for standing up for all of us. Groups like this are dangerous to us all.

MAILBAG – Each month, I ask some of my writers if I can share their words with my readers because their impact is so strong. Feel free to share letters with our readers. No letter is printed without your permission, and it can be signed however you like.

Time to Start Thinking About ME
January 05, 2012, 14:57
So for the past almost 21 years, I have expended all my energy on my children and have enjoyed every minute of it. But now that they are getting older and figuring out what they want to do with the rest of their lives, it is finally time to start thinking about me. I've made a conscious decision to start doing things that I like to do. I've decided that I'm going to start speaking up for myself and not always give in to what other people expect of me or worry about hurting their feelings if I don't go along with what they say or want to do.

It's NOT an easy decision to follow through on, simply because I'm so accustomed to making sure everyone else is okay. Simple things such as going to a restaurant that someone else wants to go to, but I don't really feel like it, but I go along with it anyway just to appease everyone else. There are times that I don't want to go out to eat. Or times when I'd rather do something else than see a movie as if that's the only option for entertainment. Maybe I'd like to stay home and cook a meal and then dance together in our home without a certain someone finding it silly and unable to enjoy the moment in seriousness.

I have to admit, I'm experiencing some anxiety about this decision because I'm not sure where it could lead and it is completely out of my comfort zone. I know I'm going to have to come clean about some things and that's scary! But the alternative of living in sadness and depression of not being able to be my true authentic self... is worse.

My Christian views and upbringing have taught me to always put others before myself which I still agree with to some degree, however, if I'm not taking care of me...then who takes care of others when I'm at the point of burn-out, frustration and depression and can no longer help ANYONE, much less myself. I think it's more about thinking about what I really want out of life right now. Some may call it mid-life crisis, but I honestly don't care. All I know is at the end of the day, when everyone else is living their life and dealing with their own struggles and issues and enjoying their own successes and pleasures, I will be left to consider whether or not I'm happy with the choices I've made and left to deal with ups and downs of my everyday life. They will be sleeping in their beds, not even thinking about me and my & "mid-life" crisis. I prefer to see it as a defining moment. A moment when I become available to me, when I have access to me again and am able to do absolutely anything I want. It is so freeing!

I certainly don't plan on doing anything that will result in catastrophe, but I do want to LIVE again. I want to LAUGH out loud! I don't want to make mistakes, but knowing that I will, I want to be able to forgive myself and not live in guilt, self-pity, anxiety, but the forgiveness of God's grace. And I want to extend that grace to others without exception. Because I know, at any moment, I could be the one in need of forgiveness.
Star

Hi Bonnie,
First I’m raising my hand, guilty of taking too much care of everyone in my life! As you know, I am trying to think of myself and my children as the only real priorities in my life.

About the “alpha-male”….the only thing he got right is that it’s passed in the genes, I believe that. Other than that, I don’t care if he’s alpha, beta, delta or zeta…or any other Greek letter (interesting he labels himself in Greek terms, I won’t go there!) He volunteered that he’s done this to 2 women, which means he’s searching for more victims. Such CRAP! He should be castrated and publicly outted!!!! The nerve! And, he actually believes that crap that’s falling from his mouth. So similar to my ex’s posturing and like many others….we, the girls who survive were made to think we had no idea what end was up and that all was our fault.

I also agree that I was broken long before I got involved with my heinous ex…I really thought that I had made changes before we’d gotten together, but it turns out that money (or lack thereof) had nothing whatever to do with it. It is my need to please, fix and do for everyone and thinking that people I’ve been involved with have the same integrity that I do…I am very self critical, nobody yells at me better than I do.

Michael Jackson’s song “Man in the Mirror” (and I don’t usually quote him, may he rest in peace…I think his life was very tortured and likely he was guilty of many things that wouldn’t have been ignored had he not been who he was)
“I'm Starting With The Man In
The Mirror
I'm Asking Him To Change
His Ways
And No Message Could Have
Been Any Clearer
If You Wanna Make The World
A Better Place
(If You Wanna Make The
World A Better Place)
Take A Look At Yourself And
Then Make A Change(Take A Look At Yourself And
Then Make A Change)”

These lyrics resonate with me in a bi-fold manner

..I think we really have to look in our own mirror to effect any change in our lives…what in us (as women) is so broken that we accept and try to justify our spouses to others while we live in the craziness?
Secondly, our spouses…even if they loved us at the time of marriage, even if they didn’t know they were gay…none of it excuses the lies and deception or betrayal they force upon us, turning all our reality into literal lives of hell. These men (and I use the term loosely) also need to look in the mirror…take a really hard look.
The change comes from within, no matter who we are. Owning who and what we are is the first step to living authentically….gay or straight.
Narcissistic sociopathy doesn’t allow these guys to see anyone but themselves, without regard to what anyone else lives.
I think our job as survivors is to look in the mirror until we can look at ourselves with happy eyes. None of us needs to accept another “project” guy. No matter what the project is.
The guy that wrote the open apology, It’s a start…he still doesn’t understand how his behavior altered the lives of those around him…he doesn’t think he’s as bad as she thinks…yeah ok!
All my love and my gratitude!
Wanda

Thanks to all of my writers who help women in their journeys through Gay Husband Recovery.

With Love and Hope,
Bonnie Kaye, M.Ed.
www.Gayhusbands.com

DISTORTED PERCEPTIONS - ARCHIVES

First, I want to thank my wonderful support group member Debbie for reminding me about this article from nearly 9 years ago. On her new blog, she posted this and after reading it, I felt it was deserving of sharing it with you on my blog. I hope you find comfort in these words.

DISTORTED PERCEPTIONS, May, 2003
I’ve written about this before, and probably not too long ago. But I could never write about this enough, so I’ll talk about it again. It’s what I call “Distorted Perceptions.” It’s an important part of understanding the whole concept your marriage and why it failed.

I think I’ve gotten most of you on board with understanding that you had no influence on your husband’s homosexuality. No matter how easy it is for us to fall into the trap of believing that we were not “good enough” or “smart enough” or “pretty enough” or “sexy enough” for our husbands, I hope after reading my constant reassurances, you finally understand that your husband’s homosexuality was there long before you were.

The next concept of why your marriage failed is a little more difficult for you to understand. You are still looking at your marriage as if it takes “two to tango” as the saying goes. I often hear women say, “He made mistakes, and I made mistakes,” or “We both had faults,” Let’s acknowledge that no one is perfect. Yes, we all have faults. But it is not your “faults” that created the problems in the marriage. On the other hand, it is very possible that the problems in the marriage intensified your faults.

Example? Okay. Let’s start with me revealing to you some of the problems I had in my marriage. Because of all of the erratic behavior and inconsistencies in my marriage, I was overly suspicious of my husband’s actions. Whenever I couldn’t account for his missing time, I believed he was out cheating on me. I made an automatic search of all of his belongs when he wasn’t looking. This included all of the pockets in his clothes, his little black phone book, and his wallet. I looked in the car at the mileage gauge, looked under the seats for clues of unfamiliar items, and went through the glove compartment for any suspicious papers, matchbook covers, or receipts left behind and haphazardly thrown in there. As soon as I would find a possible incriminating piece of evidence, I would confront my husband. He would get angry and yell at me how I was neurotic and ridiculous. He always had an explanation of whatever evidence I found, and he did his best to convince me that I was the one with a “vivid” imagination that was always in the overactive mode.

From where he was sitting, I looked like the overly nagging wife. Snooping didn’t become me. But I became obsessed. Once the trust was gone, there was no way for me to regain it, especially when his patterns of suspicion continued. As much as I tried to ignore what kept hitting me in the face, I was unable to do so. As time progressed, my obsession deepened. Every time he left the house, my imagination took over and images of young men jolted out in my mind. Every guy my husband spoke to became suspect to me. My reactions to people were totally different because of this. No doubt, there were many innocent people who became victims of my unfounded hostility, but I was unable to distinguish fact from fiction because of the ones who were my realities and nightmares.

Now, my husband blamed me for overreacting to almost everything. And maybe in many cases I did. Bottom line: This was not who I was, but who I became because HE WAS GAY AND LIVING A LIE. And that lie infiltrated the darkest part of my soul turning me into someone whom I didn’t recognize or even like.

There were days when I woke up and didn’t want to live any more. This was NOT ME. The real me had a passion for life that had been temporarily snuffed out. I didn’t know it was temporary while I lived it because my life was now on another plane—somewhere between the Twilight Zone and death. I say death because on three different occasions I attempted suicide. It seemed like an excellent alternative during those moments that seemed so inescapable and hopeless. This was NOT ME either. Prior to my marriage, I was so high on life. I was active, sociable, surrounded by high self-esteem, and very independent. I turned into someone who was depressed, scared, insecure, co-dependant, and crying constantly from being hurt.

The decisions and the moves that I made during my marriage were based on the mutated perceptions inside my marriage. Before I suspected that homosexuality was the cause of my unhappiness, I came to believe that it was me who was causing the problems in my marriage. If I told my husband that our marriage had problems, he would reply, “We don’t have problems—YOU have the problem. I am happy in the marriage. YOU are the unhappy one.” Many of you have written to me that your husbands tell you the same thing. The problem is YOU—not him, not the “marriage.” And naturally, my husband, as well as yours, never looks beyond the fact that YOU have a problem, because it’s always all about them. I guess I was falling into a darker hole each day so it was easy for me to believe that I was the one with the problems. He wasn’t falling into a dark hole. He seemed content, and why not? He had a wife and a life outside his wife.

He was living his lie. And it was a big lie. Not a little white lie. Lying about your sexuality is a really very big lie. VERY BIG. What is a little lie? A little lie is taking money and buying something and not telling your spouse. A little lie is getting a couple of drinks at the bar with some friends while you tell your wife you are working. A little lie is not revealing that you broke your diet, smoked a cigarette after you quit, or paying more for something than you’re supposed to but keeping quiet not to start a fight because you’ve unbalanced the family budget.

It’s not like I’m condoning lying, but I certainly do understand it. I’ve lied myself when the thought of revealing something is going to result in an unnecessary argument that can be avoided and has no real effect on the state of a relationship. To lie is human. To live a lie is different. It’s not something that is inconsequential. When you live a lie, there are always consequences for someone. In our cases, it ends up being our consequence.

The basis for a relationship should be one built on give and take. When a man stops having sex with his wife because it’s too much of a burden for him because he is gay, you are giving wrong information to your wife. I don’t hear too many men take responsibility for their lack of sexual activity other than made up stories about being too tired, too overworked, too depressed, too headachy, too sore from exercising, etc. When those excuses run out, then the tables turn. Then it’s—YOU. You are too heavy, YOU are too naggy, YOU are too unsympathetic,
YOU are too demanding, and of course…..YOU ARE A NYMPHOMANIAC or something just as insulting. Because YOU now think YOU are the problem in your marriage, YOU are the one who tries to change YOURSELF. So, now you are changing yourself to become the ideal wife of a man who doesn’t want to make love to you no matter how good you look, how nice you act, how talented you are, or of course—how devoted you are to your gay husband. Ouch! That hurts.


Eventually, after your husband rejects you enough times, you stop expecting sex, and you also stop asking for it. He breathes a deep sigh of relief. Whew!! “She finally gets it. Stop asking because you’re not going to get it.” Once your wife stops asking you to have sex, she has resigned herself to living an unhappy life with you. How happy to do you think she’s going to be? And when she’s not happy, that’s her fault too, right? Wrong. It’s the husband’s fault.

Some gay husbands believe that money is the key to happiness—YOUR happiness. They will try to compensate for their sexual inadequacy by buying you gifts and trinkets, as if that will do it for you. It’s the same pattern as the physically abusive husband who beats his wife, begs for forgiveness, tells her that he loves her, and goes out to buy a present to prove it. HYPOCRITS. Like a bracelet is going to make you feel better about yourself. “I don’t think you’re good enough to make love to, but I think you’re good enough for a bracelet.” Thanks pal—but no thanks.

I know they say that the failure of a marriage is the fault of both parties, and maybe that’s the case in functional marriages. But guess what? I don’t think it’s that way when you live with a gay man. You aren’t happy. He can’t be happy. He is saying that you are making him unhappy because of your own unhappiness. But if he would have been a straight husband, maybe you would be happy. Perhaps you could have met life’s challenges as a team instead of being on different teams. And not only are you both on different teams, but you’re both playing in different ballparks. If the pitcher for the New York Yankees throws the most perfect pitch in NY, the best player in Boston standing hundreds of miles away can’t hit it—NO MATTER WHAT. You are in two different cities on two different teams. Two different places in two different spaces.

The same goes for straight wives with gay husbands. If your husband is telling you that the lack of sex in your marriage is YOUR fault, and he is a gay man, no matter what you do to make yourself more physically attractive, and some of you have gone to the extremes of breast implants and liposuction, it’s not going to change anything. You are playing in the wrong ballpark. Or shall I say, you have the wrong plumbing.

If you think I’m saying to all of you that you are perfect and without fault, well, I’m not. No one is perfect; we are all human. We all make mistakes. We all have bad days. We all have human traits, and this is fine. And no husband—straight, gay or otherwise is perfect either. I don’t think any of us are seeking perfection. We are seeking husbands who are playing in the same ballpark. And although many couples who are STRAIGHT couples grow apart, they do it in a more honest way. They don’t always look to place the blame on your lap. They take some responsibility for the marriage unraveling. And you can make sense of those marriages that don’t work without feeling that you are responsible for their failure. In a marriage with a gay husband, you don’t even know what is real and not real. You are living in a labyrinth that has only twists and turns. There is no way to ever find a way to the end of the maze. The twists and turns go nowhere except in vicious circles.

And so, when you sit back and recount the years that have passed and try to figure out what went wrong in your marriage, do yourself a favor--stop thinking about it. When you live with a gay man who is parading in disguise as a straight man, nothing can change the circumstances. Or shall I say, only you are capable of changing them—by leaving the marriage and moving on to a life that makes sense. What’s really so amazing is that life can make sense once your marriage is over. No more mazes to run through, no more Twilight Zones or Outer Limits. No more trying to solve the unsolvable, no more fighting against the unchanging tide. When you live like this, you zap your mental and physical energy because spinning gold out of hay only happens in fairytales.
Posted by debbie wooding at 9:44 AM 2 comments