FEBRUARY 2014 NEWSLETTER

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU!!!

I'm a big believer in repeating important messages. So even though Valentine's Day has passed, many of you are still stinging because the day wasn't all you hoped it would be. To some of you it is a reminder of how you were duped in your marriage that promised love forever but gave you divorce instead. For others who are still trapped in their marriages, well, there's nothing like being married to someone who is more like your brother than a husband neither wanting you or desiring you like a woman--namely because you are a woman.

For straight wives, Valentine's Day is usually a wash. Oh yes--we can try to make it pleasant by telling ourselves that it's a day of love for everyone around us like our children, friends, and parents.  That's how we take those lemons and turn them into lemonade.  But in reality, we know in our  heads it is for the men in our "hearts"--not the men in our "hurts."

Some of us have made all kinds of "mental adjustments" of why we don't have that "lust" in our marriages instead of the "lack-luster." We buy into our husbands' words of, "We are not newlyweds anymore," and "Why don't you grow up and stop acting like a love-struck teenager?" 

I'm sorry to tell you that those words are typical of coming from a gay man. A straight man wants to make love to you and desires you when they love you. Trust me. I know. My soulmate of 20 plus years still loves to make love with me even though we are OLD and way out of shape! That lust should always be part of a partnership--not the sexual rejection you can count on from a gay man. And even if he's placating you by doing it "to you" rather "with you" in bed, it's not to make you happy--it's to make you think you're crazy if you think he is gay.    

How do I know this? Because gay married men tell me this. Are they thinking about your body and getting sexually turned on? No, they may love you, but they are lusting after their masculine body type to get turned on to you--not by you. Sometimes it even works. But I don't have to tell you how many times it doesn't work, do I? You already know that.

Sexual rejection is especially painful on Valentine's Day. All your preparations for a romantic evening with the man you love and want will rarely pay off. It doesn't matter how good the meal is or the cards and gifts are. That moment of repayment in terms of wanting to spend a "romantic night" with you is still in the distance like a mirage. You can see it--but you can't touch it. Most importantly, you can't personalize because it really isn't personal. You are a woman--and he is a gay man. Remember--gay men don't think straight--and gay men don't want straight women to make love to. Period.

COLLECTIVE RESPONSIBILITY

It's funny--sort of. I do a lot of counseling with gay men to come out to their wives. Trust me--it takes a lot of effort to make this happen; however, I believe that honesty is essential no matter how much it hurts the woman when she learns the truth. Sadly, not every woman sees it this way. Some of them believe I am the cause for the downfall of their marriages. They were very content living their life as ostriches and hiding their heads way below the ground. Everything was going great until I came a long and "convinced" their husbands to disclose their homosexuality. Yes, a couple of these women have actually blamed me for the breakup of their marriages. Huh??? Trust me, I didn't talk their husbands into being gay--just into being honest.

Anyway, sticks and stones will break my bones, etc. Hopefully one day these women will see that their "perfect" marriages really weren't perfect at all. They were distortions of what a marriage should be. If they find a straight husband, they will finally learn that as so many write to me at a later time.

Getting back to my point. When women write to me about the end of their marriages, it is often with remorse. They call themselves all kinds of names--stupid, blind, oblivious, in denial, etc. All of you know that I never judge any woman for not knowing or not understanding even if she knows. Remember--I was warned two weeks prior to my marriage and ignored the warning. Who am I to throw stones when I lived in that same glass house?  When I confronted my gay ex-husband about accusations that had been made about him, he nearly threw over the dinner table we were eating at and shouted, "How dare someone accuse me of being gay?" Wow, I was so relieved. Any doubts I had quickly disappeared and I was full of hope and happiness. He even explained why the guy who told me his suspicions could have "misinterpreted" his words. He was trying to help the young man with some confidential sexual problems he was having thinking he might be gay. So my valiant ex in his effort to make the young man come to terms with himself told him not to worry. All men go though those feelings in life, especially in early adulthood. After all, he did too! But he fully reassured me that he just made that part up in order for the young man to feel more comfortable. It did make sense. My wedding was less than two weeks away, and was I going to let the suspicions of some young guy stop me from getting married? Of course not. It was so much easier to believe that lie for sure.

The difference between me and some of you is that I didn't want to KEEP believing the lies and pretend they were truths. Once the seed of doubt was planted in my brain, I was always second-guessing my ex's lies about his activities. After I heard the line, "Don't be ridiculous," enough times, I became tuned into the BIG LIE. When he would say that I'm crazy, I realized that meant I was correct in my suspicions. I wanted to be wrong, but I didn't pretend to be anymore.

You see, there comes a point when you have to stop believing the lies. Many of you have been candid with me and told me that you chose to believe the lies your husbands were telling you even though you had your doubts. It was far more palatable to go along with them than not believing them. After all, if you didn't believe the lies, you would be stuck with the truth--the truth that your husband is gay. That's a truth that most people don't want to face.  

As long as you are living his lie and knowing that you're doing it, he will continue to lie because there is no reason to admit the truth to you. Look--he is living a lie to start with. He is a gay man in a straight suit. He is playing the game. He's had a lifetime of role models that he can imitate. He knows what "straight" looks like. He grew up in a straight home. He is able to pass through life by "acting straight." He is able to get through sex with you by watching enough videos and seeing what he is supposed to do. Trust me, it doesn't come naturally. They learn to "mimic" the moves. And yes, they can "bust a move" for a while. They can convince themselves that they aren't gay because they can have an erection with you and do what they are supposed to do. They can even have an orgasm with you convincing YOU that they are straight. Trust me--I know. Your children are proof that they can do that. But also trust me when I tell you they are not "lusting" after you the way a straight man wants a woman.

Straight men are on auto pilot when it comes to sex. Gay men are can barely put this together and when they do, it is usually after drinking, drugging, or fantasizing. What straight men think about and fantasize about throughout the day--namely making love with you--gay men are thinking about it also as they have to figure out how they are going to do it. It reminds me of the lyrics to this song "Doin' What Comes Naturally" from Annie Get Your Gun from the 1950's" written by Irving Berlin:

You don't have to know how to read or write
When you're out with a feller in the pale moonlight.
You don't have to look in a book to find out
What he thinks of the moon and what is on his mind.
That comes naturally...that comes naturally.

Actually we can learn some more lessons from that little ditty:

Grandpa Bill is on the hill
With someone he just married.
There he is at ninety-three,
Doin' what comes naturally...doin' what comes naturally.

Actually we can take a lesson from this song's words. For straight men, sex with women comes naturally. It's on their mind more often than not.  For gay men, making love to a woman is such an effort or painful. Whatever time you put into planning your romantic evening, your gay husband is putting in just as much time planning how he is going to have sex with you when he doesn't want to. For him, sex is doing things "unnaturally."

The flames cooling off in the bedroom should be the first red flag you missed. You can tell me that you thought this is how life goes because you are now busy. You are both under pressure raising children and making ends meet financially. So that's a reason to stop having sex? Do you really think straight people stop having sex for that reason? Straight men do complain that their wives may not want to have sex for some of those reasons--but THEY STILL WANT IT.

How many nights can your husband be too tired to make love to you? 365 each year? 360? 350? Because it is rare that when you're married to a gay man to have sex more than that after the first few years. Yes. A red flag. But when he lies to you about it, you'd rather go along with it than confront it.   

Sex is the biggest red flag, but there are many other red flags waiving in your face that you are missing because you are really naive or because you really want to believe his lies. They include:

1. I wasn't looking at gay porno on the computer. It was a pop-up.

2. So what if I have gay male friends. I'm comfortable with my sexuality.

3. I like going to gay bars with my friends. It's such a compliment when a gay man tries to pick you up especially when you're straight.

4. Don't you know that gay men can't have sex with straight women? We have two children. What are you thinking?

5. Of course I have a private password for the computer. Everyone needs privacy.

6. I may have had an experience or two in my past, but all men experiment during their earlier years.

7. You snore too loud. I don't like sleeping in the same room as you. It keeps me up all night.

8. So what if I spend a lot of time at the gym. You want me to be in shape, don't you?

9. I would want you more if you would lose weight...gain weight...had bigger breasts...had smaller breasts...didn't smell "down there"....had better breath.

10. Stop acting like a nymphomaniac all the time. We're not 20 anymore.

And once you realize they are lies, stop pretending that they are not. The more you protect the lies of your gay husband, the more you encourage him to lie. Stop encouraging him. Know him for what he is. Remember--every day he lives with you as a straight husband is a lie. Now--lying  that comes "naturally" for him. Don't let him continue to do it. Living his lie with him should never be your goal or you'll be stuck there indefinitely.

MAILBOX

Each month I receive a lot of letters from women. If there is one that I think can help others, I'll ask you if I permission to use it in my upcoming newsletter. I will keep your letter as confidential as you like.

Dear Bonnie,

Gay husband discovery, and recovery, is such a shock to the system.  It can take years to heal.  I remained in the same house, with my kids, for eight years after the separation. This was a house he and I had chosen together.  After all that time, my recovery seemed to stall.. and I still had several very tender spots. It felt secure to remain in the same house in the beginning, but now it seemed like a house of pain. The kids no longer wanted to look at the house either.   I packed up my family and moved. 

Not far, less than a mile, but it has made a difference.  As I unpacked, I discarded anything that caused me pain to look at. The result was several new pieces of furniture, and a house set up by myself and my kids, to our liking. A house where my gay ex-husband has never entered.  There are two large sycamore trees growing curbside.  My friend says they look like they have a skin condition, and their trunks are not attractive.  Not to me!!!  They are symbolic.  The old, rough bark easily peels off, to expose the smooth green and yellow trunk. Every spring the old bark falls, and the new bark is exposed.  And some times...I help peel...reminding myself that each year, there will be new healing.

JB

That's it for the month! Remember to learn to love yourself. You can always count on you, and you'll never be able to love someone in a healthy way unless you do. If you haven't listened to any of my computer radio shows, here are the links to some recent good ones that you can cut and paste into your browser:

DONNA ANDERSEN - How To Deal with a Sociopath from www.Lovefraud.com

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/bonnielkaye/2014/02/10/straight-wives-talk-show

MARY ANN GLYNN - surviving Post Traumatic Stress from your marriage

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/bonnielkaye/2014/01/20/straight-wives-talk-show

JASON - Coordinator of Adult Children of Gay Fathers

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/bonnielkaye/2014/01/13/straight-wives-talk-show

Love, Bonnie♥ 

GETTING READY FOR HOUSTON!!!

In two weeks from today, I'll be embracing some of the best women in the world in Houston, Texas. Our Texas healing weekends are a wonderful vehicle for meeting others who know what you're thinking before you say it. There will be lots of validation from the women attending as well as the adult children who will join us to share their issues. If you are interested in joining us, please write to me at Bonkaye@aol.com You can change your life and begin to really heal on the road to Gay Husband Recovery. xoxo

JANUARY NEWSLETTER 2014

Bonnie Kaye’s Straight Talk Newsletter

JANUARY 2014     Volume 14, Issue 149

Bonnie’s Mantras:

LIFE WAS NEVER MEANT TO BE THIS COMPLICATED. PERIOD.

YOU CAN'T FIX A BROKEN MAN--BUT HE CAN BREAK YOU!

THE NEXT HEALING WEEKEND - MARCH 1/2 IN HOUSTON TEXAS!

My next Healing Weekend will be in Houston, Texas, on March 1st and 2nd. The women in Texas are strong and compassionate, and I know you will love meeting them including two of my radio show favorites,  Grace and Wendy. Everyone who attends a healing weekend leaves feeling far more validated than before. Some even have quick life changes after all of the positive energy that reaches out to them. If you would like information, please write to me at Bonkaye@aol.com as soon as possible!

HAPPIER NEW YEAR TO ALL OF YOU

The New Year is always a time of hope and inspiration for most of us. Some of us look forward to new starts while others look forward to new endings. Regardless of where you are on the road to Gay Husband Recovery, knowing that others can feel your pain is always comforting--and VALIDATING. As I've said before, we are not part of a vocal national movement of survivors like those who survive other catastrophes. We are hidden and quiet. No one is out there shouting, "I'm proud I survived my gay husband...Yaaaaaaaay!!!" Yep, no special awards or recognition or ribbons for this one. In fact, most of us barely acknowledge this information to anyone. Yes, we are still in our husbands' closets long after our husbands have left them to claim their "authentic new lives." Or reclaimed. Or carry on in secret. Or whatever--away from you.

It is my plan this year to start moving forward on my "His Fault Divorce" national movement. I think the only way women are going to stop being victims is to become victors. We don't feel like victors when some of our gay husbands hold the financial purse strings over our heads forcing us into financial ruin in order to get a fair divorce.

I tell this with sincerity to all of our gay husbands who contact me:

 You have no choice in being gay. And I even accept that MOST of you married in good faith loving your wives or even in some cases "in love" with your wives at the time you said, "I do." But you didn't--you couldn't. You are gay. Take responsibility. That means financial responsibility. This is not a divorce coming about because things didn't work out between two people--it's a divorce that comes about because you are gay and don't belong in a marriage to a woman. It's really all that simple. You don't have to complicate it and make it any more difficult than that. You need to pay for this divorce and not drag your wife down a further road to hell than the one she has been on or facing ahead. You made the mistake. You need to do the right thing and FIX IT by being emotionally and financially responsible. Yes, it may cost you more than  you would like to pay in terms of money, but you'll come out with so much more when it comes to feeling good about having INTEGRITY. Your children will respect you, and your wife may be able to forgive you because you are doing the best you can in this sad situation.

Sadly, most gay husbands are not coming to me. They are going to groups that feel differently than we feel. Some of these groups are telling them that it's their time to live their life and enjoy it. They've already sacrificed too many years taking care of you and the children. They put their lives on hold doing "the right thing," and now it's time to move on. They will sit and "bitch" about their nagging wives and convince each other that gay wasn't the issue. They could have stayed forever in a "good" marriage and be gay. While they were working hard to support the family and sacrifice their happiness, all you were doing was complaining. You were never happy no matter how hard they worked. Now it's their turn--and in the words of Celo Green, "Forget You." Most likely they are saying the words in the original title which I won't print here, but you get the idea.

So given the choice of the Bonnie Kaye Integrity Way or the Gay Husband "Forget You" Way, which road do you think most of your husbands are going to choose? They will take the high road leaving you on the dry road rather than my road to INTEGRITY. Therefore, we need to start trying to do something to make it better for us now or for others in the future who are in our shoes.

I am going to launch my plan to make a stand this spring. I will ask you then as I have in the past to actively work with me on this issue. I have some volunteers, but I need many more to make this happen. When we stand up for ourselves, then we will have the respect of others who will finally stop thinking that we had any responsibility or fault in this situation. We need to stand up for ourselves and fight for what is rightfully ours without feeling ashamed or embarrassed. Your husbands' homosexuality is his issue--it shouldn't have to define you forever or push you further back into the closet.

When I am in Houston for our healing weekend on March 1/2, I will roll out my plan to others who are looking to move ahead. Then I will put it send it out to you in my March newsletter. Hopefully this will be a Happier New Year for all of us if we stick together.  

THE LONG AND WINDING ROAD OF TWENTY YEARS!!!

I have been writing about my wonderful soulmate since I started writing this newsletter in 2001. Now, on January 5, we celebrated our 20-year anniversary. It was a long and winding road, but it was one that taught me how to feel good about myself as a human being and as a person. Having unconditional love from someone who also wanted great sexual experiences for twenty years really has done wonders for me. It has given me the inspiration to write the words that many of you cling on to while you are going through your hopeless days thinking you are alone or never going to feel better about life.

We have had some rough spots, but 95% of our time has been magic. I don't think you can ask for more than that. We are not married, and most likely, won't be. As I wrote in my book Manreaders: A Woman's Guide to Dysfunctional Men, I know myself well enough to know that I love the romance rather than the day-to-day companionship, and I don't have to apologize for that. Seeing the man you love four or five days a week and talking in between has kept our time together quality time. Many of you have commented to me over the years that would be the most you could ask for as well. For those of you who are younger, you may feel very different and that is fine! But now that both of us are way past middle age, we're happy just as we are.

I am telling you this because it is so important to hold out and give yourself a chance to heal after your marriages. Learning who you are before you jump to the next man is so important. And trust me--I know how hard it is for some women who have felt that constant sense of rejection on both a personal and sexual level for so long in their marriages. But without waiting, unraveling the emotional mess you are leaving, and getting to know and love yourself again, you are doomed to repeat this mistake over and over again. There are so many predators out there waiting for you.

Here is a case in point. One of our straight sisters overseas allowed me to share her story with you:

Dear Bonnie:

I was trapped in an unhappy marriage to a man who had spent the duration of our married life looking at gay porn. He had a gay facebook account and was looking at webcams of gay men on a regular basis. I had asked him on many occasions if he was interested in men and he had come up with a range of seemingly legitimate excuses. Looking back, these were purely farcical, but, at the time, I would have believed anything from the man I loved.

It was at this time when I met Derek. He was exciting, very attentive and seemed to adore spending time with me. For an attention starved woman, who was married to a gay man, that was the best thing that had ever happened to me in around a decade. His brutal honesty was very appealing. He quickly informed me that my husband was indeed gay, that straight men didn't look at gay porn, end of story, let alone do all of the other things he had done. I was wasting my time with him and he would help me, just as a friend, as I needed my life sorting out. This conversation arose after a drunken night out, where I had fallen out with my friends and called him on my way home. We spoke for around two hours and I told him everything about my life and how unhappy I was with it.

Derek and I began a sexual relationship while I hunted for yet more proof that my ex husband was gay. I didn't think anyone would believe me on what I had found and I would look like the bad person who had run away with another man. This evidence appeared a few months later when I found out he had seen a gay friend of mine and they enjoyed a lot more than just each others company. I told my husband it was over and began to make plans to leave.

Derek was amazing at this time and was showering me with gifts and listened to me for hours and hours while I told him about my life. Our sex life was amazing and I started to enjoy sex again and learn that women can have fun in the bedroom too. I stopped my negative thoughts and actually started to believe I was worth something. Derek was the life and soul of the party and sent me joke after joke throughout my days. I spent time at his place relaxing, away from the daily grind, and we made plans to enjoy the rest of our life together. I couldn't believe my luck, finally something was going right. I ignored some of the warning signs that Derek wasn't quite what he made out to be, he was incredibly possessive and often sat outside my house at night while I slept. He bad mouthed all of my friends and had a reputation for being a nasty man and had served time in prison.

We moved in together the following March, and for a while things were pretty perfect. He was kind and attentive. He took time to get to know my two children and he took them for days out. Everyone told me how well I had done as he was a really nice person.

However, cracks began to show. Derek refused to use any contraception with me and then allowed me to take the blame for my ex being gay, which put him at risk from getting a sexually transmitted disease. I was an evil person for allowing this to happen and I should go to an std clinic to get tested. If we had a disagreement he would disappear and leave me alone at night. He would refuse to answer his phone to me and leave me worrying about what I had done and where he had gone. He started to moan about my children's behavior and tell me that a biological child wouldn't be that hard to manage. That my two children were very badly behaved and we only had peace while they were at their dads. He was unkind to my dog and had stopped her from sleeping in my bedroom. She was only allowed in the kitchen and was chained outside when I was out without any water, even in the middle of summer. He began to criticize me for the clothes that I wore and the way I had my hair.

Gradually over time these things happened more and more often and by July that year I was pregnant. Derek said he was delighted, but when he was on the phone to his mates he made out that I had deceived him. He told his friends that I had told him I couldn't have children. I knew I had been honest with him, but seeds of doubt grew in my mind and I began to wonder if I had deceived him

I have to be honest now about what Derek was. He was an abuser and he abused me and my children in my own home. When I fell pregnant with his child, the abuse escalated. He would leave me stranded in the family home. I had moved away from my friends and family to spend my life with him and he spent time convincing me that my friends were no good and weren't really friends. He cut me off from a lot of support networks as I lost touch with a lot of them. If I wanted to go out he convinced me that it was a bad idea and made me feel so bad about abandoning him that I would cancel. When I fell pregnant, he came up with the perfect excuse to keep me at home. He was very attentive but insisted that I rest a lot so wasn't able to keep up a social life. I stopped going out and for a while he used my car leaving his van behind, as it used a lot of diesel, and we needed the money. This left me stranded in the village as I was too unsure to drive the van. He never used his cash to fill the car up so I covered my diesel as well as his.

Derek had periods of not working, as he was self-employed, and that left me covering for all of the bills in the family home. When he did work it was nights and he slept most of the day. He expected me to keep the children quiet and grew angry if they made the slightest noise. He threatened me with hurting them as they were so badly behaved and even threatened to kill them if he fell terminally ill and often spoke of the various ways he would like to torture them. He filled my head with stories of the violence he had inflicted on people and he left me with no doubt that he could hurt them if I ever tried to leave or end the relationship.

There was no form of negotiation in our relationship. I was always the one in the wrong. If I asked him for money to cover the bills he told me that the work was drying up or that he only just had enough to cover his bills and was unable to support me with the ones I needed. He was the sort of person that didn't exist on paper and he had several addresses where he resided but he could never be traced at any. If he wanted his own way about anything he either put pressure on so that I would give in or threatened to harm one of my children or my ex husband. I trod on eggshells every day and often took my children out of the house to avoid his outbursts or the chance that he would harm them. On the odd day when we were at home, the children would always insist on coming with me to the shop or on a walk around the block after my youngest was born.

If things were bad before mine and Derek's baby was born, they became a million times worse after she was. He disappeared for a day after I had my first membrane sweep leaving me stranded with two children unable to get to hospital should I go into labor. When I went into hospital to have her, he refused to come in while I had an emergency c section and then kept my daughter with him after she was born. I didn't see her for the first hour after her birth. That night he called me telling me that my dog had done a runner and he couldn't find her. He called me a couple of hours later to say she had rematerialized. When he took me home after two days of being hospitalized, he refused to wait until I had strapped her in to the car and drove off very quickly. He stopped after a few minutes of driving to allow me to strap her in and I was crying from the pain of my operation. He then zoomed off moaning about how his feet and arms were hurting from having to carry the car seat to the car and my bags. Never mind the operation I had just had and how much him driving at 100 miles an hour was hurting my scar from the surgery.

When we arrived home, I spoke to my other two children who were very distressed as they hadn't spoken to me for a couple of days and Derek had refused to allow them to see me at the hospital. He didn't want my 'gay ex-husband' near his daughter. He then threatened to hurt my ex as he had expressed how upset he was with me about not letting my two older children visit me in hospital. Derek told me to give him his number or he would go there and 'fuck him up'. I called a neighbor in distress and she came over to diffuse the situation.

When my littlest was severely ill with tonsillitis and there was a possibility of her being hospitalized. He disappeared, leaving me stranded without any means of getting to the hospital for over 24 hours. He left me stranded several hours on another occasion when my car failed its mot, my youngest had gastroenteritis at the time and I had no means of getting home until he decided to collect me. He disappeared more and more regularly at this time refusing to answer his phone and leaving me wondering where he was. My youngest was a difficult sleeper and I was often tired, but he expected me to deal with this alone and moaned if he didn't get his full night's sleep, despite me being up and feeding her several times a night. If I was tired and grouchy he made me feel worse.

The verbal abuse escalated too and the put downs became more and more frequent. My hair was horrible, my teeth were yellow, my skin was a mess and I was moody and ugly. These happened most often in front of his friends and family. It was constant. He hit my dog more and more regularly and was leaving her outside for hours on end. I never actually saw him hit her but she limped frequently and had cuts and bruises. He told me it was my two oldest children that were doing it and I needed to protect my youngest from harm. I kept the door to my bedroom locked at night and only allowed them supervised contact during the day. It was a horrible life.

I was starting to see all of the things he was doing after Christmas and tried a few times to kick him out. He always turned the waterworks on, and I felt sorry for him and agreed to give him chance after chance.

Things finally came to a head when he assaulted my son in April last year. He hemorrhaged behind his ear drum and caused a bruise 12 x 12 cms. I kicked him out and started to take control of my life once more. Social services and the police became involved and I have managed to turn my life around. It's been an up and down road since then but I can safely say things are beginning to get a bit better. I have received some support from domestic abuse services and have moved to a safe location. Derek is no longer a part of our lives and we hope it stays that way.

I would firmly advise a woman in a gay marriage to get out and stay out. But take your time and heal before moving on with your life, it's too easy to jump out of the frying pan and into the fire!!!!!

A straight spouse sister

Keeping this in mind, I asked Donna Andersen from Lovefraud.com if I could reprint an article from one of her recent newsletters. This is an issue that affects many of our women in one form or another:

I recently received an email from a Lovefraud reader who had only one question. It’s a question I hear frequently: Do sociopaths return?

The answer: Some of them don’t, but some of them do. Many people who have been romantically involved with sociopaths experienced the sudden “devalue and discard.” One day the sociopath loves you. The next day the sociopath tosses you aside like a used tissue and walks away, without ever looking back.

As the person left behind, you may be in shock. You may have had no idea that your partner was unhappy. You may ask yourself, did I do something wrong? Why didn’t he or she say something? Can’t we work this out?

You are also astounded at the callousness of your partner’s behavior. All those statements of “I love you” and “we’re soul mates” — did they mean nothing? After all the time you spent together, and everything you’ve been through, how can this person just leave?

The answer may be that your former partner has drained all your resources, and there’s nothing left to take. Or your former partner has simply found a juicier target. Or your partner simply decides that he or she is bored. For whatever reason, you are no longer of any use, and the sociopath is gone. If this person doesn’t return, consider yourself lucky.

The return

Sometimes the sociopath does return. They often have a sixth sense of when you may be receptive to hear from them. They just seem to know when your anger has subsided, or when you’re feeling lonely, or when you feel strong enough to be “just friends.”

Then, because they’ve spent so much time studying you, they know exactly what approach to use to hook you again.

They may proclaim their love, confessing that they never knew how much they truly loved you until you were gone.

They may apologize profusely, seeming to take responsibility for their heartless actions, while conveniently blaming something else, such as work stress or alcohol.

They may promise to go to counseling, or church, or rehab. Or, they say they’ve already been to counseling, church or rehab, and they’ve changed.

Or, they seduce you sexually.

Why do they return? Perhaps the “juicier target” has thrown them out and they have no place to go. Whatever the reason, they were able to manipulate you before, so they assume they’ll be able to manipulate you again.

Maintain No Contact

In numerous articles on Lovefraud, I’ve explained that to end an involvement with a sociopath, you must have No Contact with him or her.

If the sociopath returns after a period of time, your response should be the same: Maintain No Contact.

They may catch you off-guard by contacting you from a new phone number or e-mail address that you haven’t blocked. They may show up unannounced at your home or place of employment.

Do not fall for their apologies, excuses or professions of love.

Never forget: Once they are adults, sociopaths do not change. Sooner or later, the old games will start again, except they’ll be worse.If a sociopath returns, do not let him or her back into your life.

Donna will be a guest on my radio show on February 9th. To hear the show, go to www.blogtalkradio.com at 10 p.m. EST and type Straight Wives Talk Show into the search bar. Otherwise you can listen after the broadcast anytime!

MAILBAG

Dear Bonnie,

Once again...wonderful letter.  I can testify...even after 2 years apart,
and divorced one.... the pain is still there.  The "angry" days are still
there.  The "I wasted so much time!!" days are there.  But...life goes on.
And life is good and truly it is a blessing. I have been able to find
myself once again. I sure missed me!! Thank you God for your blessings and
for Bonnie Kaye.  Your books opened the light for me several years ago
when I already knew what I didn't want to accept! I look this year to a
strength in my relationship with God and my family that I am proud of.

Straight Wife

 RECENT RADIO SHOW LINKS ON THE COMPUTER:

Each Sunday night, I have wonderful guests who join me on my Straight Wives Talk Show on www.blogtalkradio.com. The shows can be heard live at 10 p.m. or anytime following the show.

Here were some of the shows in recent weeks. You can cut and paste the links into your browser to listen.

This show features Jason, the head of our Adult Children of Gay Fathers group. This is such an important show. Do yourself a favor and find an hour when you can listen to the show.

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/bonnielkaye/2014/01/13/straight-wives-talk-show

This is Dr. Brian Hooper's holiday message for us.

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/bonnielkaye/2013/12/30/straight-wives-talk-show

Grace from Texas joins Bonnie to talk about obstacles women face.

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/bonnielkaye/2013/12/09/straight-wives-talk-show

That's it for the month! Happier New Year to all of you!

Love, Bonnie ♥

 

DECEMBER NEWSLETTER

Bonnie Kaye’s Straight Talk Newsletter

DECEMBER 2013     Volume 14, Issue 148

Bonnie’s Mantras:

LIFE WAS NEVER MEANT TO BE THIS COMPLICATED. PERIOD.

YOU CAN'T FIX A BROKEN MAN--BUT HE CAN BREAK YOU!

Help support Bonnie’s mission to help women and men in pain. Purchase her books from her website at www.Bonniekayebooks.com. Her newest book can be purchased at www.Dysfunctionalmen.com.

THE NEXT HEALING WEEKEND - MARCH 1/2 IN HOUSTON TEXAS!

My next Healing Weekend will be in Houston, Texas, on March 1st and 2nd. The women in Texas are strong and compassionate, and I know you will love meeting them including two of my radio show favorites,  Grace and Wendy. Everyone who attends a healing weekend leaves feeling far more validated than before. Some even have quick life changes after all of the positive energy that reaches out to them. If you would like information, please write to me at Bonkaye@aol.com as soon as possible!

LESSON #57 ABOUT GAY HUSBANDS

I have spent over 13 years writing this newsletter. I've tried to make sense and unravel the confusion that all of us feel when we first learn or suspect this most horrific news. Some of the lessons I've taught you include:

1. You can take no responsibility in your husband's homosexuality.

2. Gay husbands come in different varieties: some are emotionally abusive, some are physically abusive, some are nice but sexually not responsive; some are sociopaths, others are narcissists. Regardless of what category your gay husband fits into, it doesn't change what the truth is--he's gay--and that is about the only truth in this situation.

3. No matter how you scream, dream, or pray--the gay is here to stay. It's not leaving, and it can't be turned off by pushing a button or moving a mountain. Learn to accept it not so that you can stay in it but rather so you can leave it. It was a mistake--or what I call a "mis-marriage." Mistakes can be fixed. Every day is a new day to take back your life! You didn't make him gay and you can't change it. You weren't born with the special powers, so stop trying to think you were.

4.  You are entitled to mourn and grieve. You are even allowed to have an occasional pity party whenever you need one because you deserve it. Your life has been impacted in a terrible way. For some of you who have been in long-term marriages, your entire adult life has been stolen away from you. But remember--if you don't work on the anger you are feeling, you'll move to the next stage of bitterness. It's very different than anger because it means you won't let go. If you don't let go, you won't ever find the inner peace that you need in order to find the happiness you deserve. If you are that stuck, you need to be honest about it and seek out professional help. I have some wonderful therapists who are part of my network that can help you do this. Go to my website and look at the resources under my links on the right hand side of the site. They all do phone counseling and Skype.  Give yourself the gift of good mental health.

5. Don't ever believe that your children  are unaffected by these marriages. Many of them grow up with so many different issues that need to be worked out EVEN IF THEY WON'T ADMIT IT TO YOU. Encourage them to get help and support. Let them know that there is a support group for them and give them my email.

6. Gay Husband Recovery is a process. It won't happen in a day, a week, a month, or a year. There are so, so many issues we have to get through. Some of our women (a little over 20%) have been given the gift that goes on giving forever--namely a sexually transmitted disease (STD). Their lives have been impacted forever. How do you get over that? Others will have to downsize their lives, sell their house, get sued for alimony, be sued for custody of your children, and alienated from friends and family. It's almost as if every time you're moving one step ahead, you get pulled back two steps. You think it's easy to get over this? Don't ever let people get away with saying, "Why is it taking you so long to get 'over it' meaning they are getting impatient with your recovery. That shoves YOU further into a closet as people decide your pace of recovery.

7. You no longer have to vacillate on what to call your husband--a-sexual, bisexual, confusexual, denialsexual, gay, homosexual, notverysexual, metrosexual, etc. As soon as he crosses the penis line, he's now called Non-Straight. That fits all categories!

8. Over 60% of gay husbands will NEVER tell you the truth. They don't have enough of a conscience to be honest. They are compartmentalized and able to keep living their lie when they are with you and after they leave you. I am tired of gay husbands saying, "My marriage didn't work because of other reasons--it's not just homosexuality." Pleazzzzzzzzzzzzzze men, step up to the plate just once and admit the real truth: Your wife became a totally different woman in order to survive a marriage that gave her pain, rejection, and beat up her sexuality based on YOUR LIES. Do you really think it has nothing to do with you and your excuses of depression, workload, .headaches, toothaches, back aches,  allergies,  you having post partum depression when your wife gave birth, Low "T" and erectile dysfunction, or disgust with your wife because she was too thin...too fat...to sexually aggressive...too sexually passive or any of the other lies you made up to convince yourself you are not gay? Let's be real here. This leads me to my end-of-year thought for this year:

My final lesson for the 2013 year is this. For all of you who wonder why your husband  denies your question of is he gay by "gaylighting" you to make you think you are crazy, I have finally figured out why he is doing this. As so many of you tell me all of the time, "My husband is in denial." I used to try to answer this with the explanation that they are only in denial to you--not to the men whom they are enjoying sex with.

I now believe that some of the straight-gay men are lying to themselves. I know about lying to yourself. I can do that very easily when I'm dieting and slip. I say, "It's only one slip--it doesn't count." A week later, after consuming a week's worth of food that is bad for me, I may admit I've screwed up--but not to worry, Tomorrow is another chance to start over again. The problem is that tomorrow doesn't come fast and easy. It could be a week or a month before I take hold of myself to admit the errors of my sugar-coated ways. Then I can diet perfect again---but four or six weeks l fall again. Gay men in denial do the same thing. They'll justify by saying, "It was only a casual encounter; that doesn't mean I'm gay. One encounter becomes a dozen within a short time, but that doesn't mean he is gay either. Why? Because he didn't kiss the guy and make out. Why? Because he doesn't have any emotional connection. Why?  Because there is no way he is gay--he has a wife and children. There is one truth here:

They lie to themselves because it makes it so much easier for them to lie to you.

Yes, this is my newest epiphany for the year. They really do lie to themselves.  This is  different than "compartmentalization" where they KNOW they are living a double life but continue to do it by separating the two lives from each other. These are men who can have relationships with other guys and fall semi-in love/lust with them. This is not even the same as "denial" when you know on some level that you are doing the dirty but not admitting it to people--especially the wife. Denial means on some level you're denying your secret life to others--but you know the real truth and have no problem partaking in anonymous sex . You'll deny it and accuse your wife of being crazy, but you'll keep planning these liaisons knowing that no one will find out that you are using your Grindr  application (http://grindr.com/).

This category of  "LIE MEN" is a whole new set of baggage. Lying to yourself and believing the lies represents this group of men. They can lie to themselves telling themselves there is no way they are gay....and BELIEVE IT...because it us so much easier to lie to you and have no feelings of uneasiness. It's not like compartmentalizing when they are able to separate two lives or denying when they just don't want you to know . This is called "Lying to yourself and believing the lie" or  "LIE MEN." By giving up one inch of the lie and moving into either compartmentalization or denial, that could weaken his resolve  of dealing with who he is. He might have to accept that on some level he is "gay." He then might slip and say something revealing accident or on purpose. Yikes--this could destroy everything that he holds so dear--namely his straight persona. He could lose everything that he has worked so hard to have for so long--a respectable lifestyle with a wife protecting his image to the public, his family, his employment, and his friends

.   

Interesting side note: I am working with a man on the importance of coming out to his wife and tell her the truth about why their marriage isn't working. He defends himself by telling me this is not a marriage that could work under any circumstances because his wife is "emotionally unbalanced." So why should he tell her? In his initial contact with me, he stated: T0his is not a marriage that could work under any circumstances because his wife is "emotionally unbalanced."

I am struggling with when to tell my wife, and most of the once married/straight, and now gay guys that I have talked to recommend not bringing up being gay as far as the reason for wanting the divorce.  I think the fear is that it will be more financially costly and the wife will be vindictive (and we don't have the money to hire attorneys). I have heard of instances of this on my "journey."

I underlined the most important part in that statement so you can be aware of how this works.  This is the message being spread through the gay husband community encouraging your husband NOT to tell you the truth.  I wanted to give you personal insight on why you never have to worry about checking on your husband. If the quasi-established gay husband network can encourage this behavior, then I will always continue my stand on CHECK HIM OUT. Yes, become your own personal spy. That's fine and more moral than lying like he's doing.

I always explain to the gay men who come to me complaining about their wives that their wives' lives have been altered by being married to gay men who are living a lie and pushing them away emotionally and sexually. I explain to each man that if his wife was a combination of Mother Theresa and Angelina Jolie, he would still find fault with her in order not to have sex with her because she would still be a woman--and they want a man. He won't be turned on to Angelina--but he will lust after her husband Brad Pitt. People don't call me the "Tough Love Counselor" for nothing! And sometimes they really do listen to me and do the right thing! Those are the nights I go to bed with a smile on my face.

In conclusion, stop grasping for straws offering you some kind of miracle that will tie you down for another year. Accept what is--make a New Year's Resolution to find a way out. Contact me if you need support because I have plenty of support out there.

From Dr. Brian Hooper

One of the blessings I am grateful for this year is my discovery of Dr. Brian Hooper. Brian has joined our support network helping women and gay men in our situation. He has great insight on our situation. He is an authentic gay man who understands my point of view and agrees with me on our need for support from a therapist who understand what we go through. Although he has never been married, he is very pro-honesty and holds our husbands accountable for honesty.

Brian co-hosts my computer radio show "Straight Wives Talk Show" at www.Blogtalkradio. com the last Sunday of the month. So many of you have written to me about how comforting he is. Brian offered to share his ideas about getting through the holidays. Here's what he shared:

Handling the Holidays Post Betrayal

I am writing this especially for women who have been married to men whom they later found out were gay, and who feel betrayed by the experience. However, these thoughts also apply to all who have experienced a betrayal of their love and trust in intimate relationships.

“Betrayal” is from the Latin tradere, which means to hand over. It may be ironic to think of “handling” the holidays after all that was promised you has been handed over to another. However, it is a reminder to “get a handle” on your own life again and receive it back with strong and gentle hands of your own. 

The “you” that you get back may feel like a victim of kidnapping who needs to learn how to trust again and, in the meantime, needs to know that she/he is being kept safe.

So, your main goal in holiday times is to keep yourself safe. I find it interesting that “safe” and “salvage” have the same origin. The root is save. In one sense, your task is to save yourself from further injury. In another sense, it is to save what remains and make repair, to salvage. When combined, the task is to keep safe and make repair. 

Here are some suggestions for staying safe and making repairs to your soul in holiday times.

• Enter the holidays with a meditation or prayer of gratitude for your life. The holidays, no matter the religious tradition, are about reconnecting you to THE ALL that makes you whole.  Ask God or your best and highest sense of self to help you see opportunities to connect to what is life affirming. 
• Let go of expectations that anything will be quite the same. Why should it be? You’ve experienced something radical that can’t be un-experienced. So your perceptions and experiences will be different. 
• Do old rituals that you have enjoyed but do them with a significant difference. If only you and your immediate family decorated on a certain day for the holidays, then perhaps agree with a friend to help each other decorate. It is a way to establish what is called the “new normal.”
• Plan ahead regarding food and drink. It is fine to enjoy the holiday treats, but put a reminder card in your purse or wallet that prompts you to take care of your body. Refuse to betray yourself by overeating or making trouble for yourself with alcohol.
• Pace yourself so that you have time to rest. It is better to do less, but be truly present, than to do more and feel burned out.  
• Beware of trying to make up for the absence of your child’s/children’s parent (if you have been married with children) with more activities or gifts. They, too, need to grieve and need you demonstrate that relationships and not things are what matter most. 
• Create a new tradition. Choose something to which you can assign a meaning that supports life and love, even if you don’t feel like it. 
• Make use of candles as they may be used in your religious tradition. For Christians, candles are a reminder that the “Light of the World” came into the world in the darkest night of the year. Those in the Jewish tradition remember the miraculous oil that kept the sacred lamp lit following victory over their persecutors. Again, the light of promise had been with them even in dark times.
• Exercise! It releases very helpful neuro-chemicals, dispels toxins, and aids with sleep.
• Sleep! Sleep is absolutely necessary to release certain hormones that are required to repair our bodies. Lack of sleep results in stress and the release of corrosive cortisol that can drain our adrenal glands and result in fatigue.
• Be conservative with your spending. You can’t shop your way out of grief or pain. If possible, make things with the help of others that convey the love of your heart. 
• Pause and think before you either accept or reject an invitation or opportunity. Will it contribute to your wellbeing? Are you saying “yes” out of love or out of obligation? Are you saying “no” out of fear or self-empowerment? 

Take good care of yourself. And if I may be helpful in navigating the holidays, please call me! 

A NOTE FROM OUR SISTER SHARON IN CANADA

I have asked Sharon to write her story for our newsletter because I think many of you who are Catholic will benefit from this information.

Hi My Friends:

I am one of your sisters, my life has been unbelievable. Bonnie asked me to write you about my experience. A mirror image of your marriages and lives.

I was married for 24 years to a man who hated himself. He always took his inner hatred of himself out on me. He blamed and controlled everything during the marriage from what I wore when we went out  to how to style my hair and that it should always be permed. I gave up all my control; I have family here but they did not drop by at all.

All the intimacy problems were blamed on me early in our marriage. I was never intimate with anyone until I met him, a very big mistake because I had no past relationship to compare the sexual issues in this marriage to. Not realizing how much trouble I was in, I stayed. I planned the children, my son 1993 and my daughter 1996. There was no intimacy after my daughter was born.  When my kids were young and I was home one summer day with them. My ex walked into the house looked at me and said "I hate everything about you."  It was the same as if I had the wind knocked out of me. I begged and pleaded that we go to a marriage counselor, but he said, "No, I am too busy at work."

Then I realized I am on my own, felt so defeated, and then I turned to alcohol at night time.  Standing in dark by myself drinking. Praying for God to please help me, I felt I was in hell. I went to see a counselor for myself when I got a full time job. I needed help to quit drinking because it was spilling over to the other parts of  my day to day life with my kids. One session I looked at her and said, “I am not going to waste anymore of your time, what would you say if I told you that I have not been intimate with my husband for over 15 years? She was not shocked and said, "Have you ever thought that he could be gay? That you are the cover he has been hiding behind for years. That he has not come out of the closest and would probably take this secret to the grave." 

I went home and waited for him to get home. The kids were at friends houses. I looked at him and said I went to see the counselor today, explained that I have not been intimate with you for 15 years and how you blamed me.  Do you want to know what she said? She said it is not my fault and you are probably gay.  His response was, "I thought I would grow to love you however it did not happen. I said, "Do you have any idea what you have done? You are the most selfish person God ever put life into and walked away."

Then, my friends, I started on my journey. First I quit drinking (now 3 years) and got the help I needed from my brother, who dealt with addiction and prevention. My next step was to separate and move out of the house. My kids were so supportive because they had witnessed  how I was treated over the years. They did not blame me whatsoever. I got half of the equity in the house. I am presently just a couple of streets away from my son, 20 years old and my daughter 17 years old in my own house. I went to the lawyer and told him I want this completed as soon as possible, and there were no conflicts. I am now legally divorced. I believe in my heart and soul that I am here today because God was on my side.

I had a struggled within myself, this was not a true marriage. So I started to contact the church to see if I could speak with a priest in regard to the guidelines of the annulment procedure.  I had several meetings with the priest. I was embarrassed to talk to him about intimacy matters at first or how the annulment would affect my kids.

The priest was very helpful and stated that if there has been no intimacy for 8 years or more in a marriage that the church will grant an annulment. This marriage will be considered null/void. He also stated that it does not affect the children.

So now I am on another journey, I have met with the representatives from the church and started to get all my paper work in order to start this process. I want and need closure that is how I will survive this hell..

Here are the steps I need to take to get control of my life again.

1. Talk to your priest
2. Get a legal divorce first, before you request the annulment.
3. Follow the church’s instructions as there are other documents required, copy of the marriage certificate, your baptismal certificate and a copy of the divorce decree.
4. Notify the ex that you are going through with the annulment.

Also, I read a story where this wife had been through a lot and took her wedding band back to the church and put it on the alter for her own closure.

I have found the annulment has been such a great option for me. It all centers around closure for me I know that now. It may not be for everyone, but I will never get the truth so this is my way of  not wasting any more time on that part of my life. I struggled with hurt and rejection for years. I know my children are the best part of  me. I know staying in this marriage for years was the biggest mistake that I have ever made in my life.

Next journey, to get a new job and move back to my home town.  I have my kids blessing.

I am now ready for the new and improved Sharon

Thank you for listening…

From my friend Dollie...a final thought for the end of the year!

Hi Bonnie,

I LOVED your newsletter about Sociopathic behavior!  In my opinion, these guys all win the Alpha-Dog Award for peeing on us and then blaming us for being wet.

Dollie

Please let me know if you are in Ottawa Canada. One of our women is looking to connect for support!

To all of you in this support network, happiest of holidays no matter where you are on the road to Gay Husband Recovery. I will be there standing by your side until you get where you need to go no matter how long it takes.

With love and hope,

Bonnie ♥