BONNIE KAYE'S STRAIGHT TALK NEWS LETTER - JANUARY 2016

January 2016     Volume 16, Issue 172

UNDERSTANDING DIVORCE

It's a New Year, and Happy or at least Happier New Year to all of my readers and supporters. A New Year always represents a time of hope, or at least it's supposed to represent that. For those of you who are still stuck in your marriages, I know that sometimes there feels as if there is no hope, but I also know if you're reading this newsletter, you are standing up for yourself on some level. Yes, I know some of you keep it a secret for fear of your controlling husband finding a way to control your computer activity--but at least you are at a point where you know you are sinking. At some point you'll say, "No More--I'm leaving this sinking ship," but in many cases that is easier to say than do. Why? Because every year you remain with you "unloving controlling gay husband" is another year that you are beaten down and feel like you can't get up. Unlike the elderly lady who has that medical bracelet that where she pushes a button to call for help, we have no rescue button. Your husband is making sure of that.

About 3/4 of all women who write to me tell me that they have no privacy--or even friends. Their gay husbands try to alienate them from their families by either moving away or making it so unpleasant that your family doesn't want to visit. They look for lots of reasons why your "loving family" is causing problems in your "unloving marriage." They tell you that the less you have to do with your family, the better off your marriage is. And we get so mentally broken down, we just give in. And when you keep giving in, you give up.

I wish I could invent that "call for help" rescue buttons for our straight wives. They could be pushed every time you start falling, and a little button would signal me so I could give you words of strength, wisdom, and most of all--HOPE!!! But sadly, I don't have the technical knowhow of how to do that. That's what keeps me writing these newsletters, so you'll have a connection to reality in your totally distorted world of his control. And hopefully one day, you will realize that your life is more important than his and work to save yourself.

For those of us who get out of our marriages, "freedom" doesn't seem exactly perfect either. 

Some of our women have a strong sense of loss especially those who thought they were married to their soul mates. Others become single mothers who now have the burden of working and raising the children on their own--except when the Disney Dads decide to take the children once in a blue moon. Disney Dads love to show the kids what good parents they are--and what "fun" parents they are. They have so much fun for a weekend before the kids are returned to you for a slap of reality--like chores, school, and rules. Those of us who have lived this experience realize how difficult it is to have your children love or even listen to you after these weekends. After all, they have so much more fun with daddy.

Some of us have ex-husbands who are still so controlling that they want to make your life miserable. They will fight you for custody, and in some cases, they really don't care about it--they are just looking to show you that they are still "the boss." They take you to the emotional depths of hell even thought YOU were the one primarily raising your children while he wasn't even around very much.

Many women ask me why are so many of our gay husbands so controlling. It's simple--they have no control over their sexual needs. They are gay, but they don't want to be. So they believe if they can't control themselves, at least they can control the environment around them--which means you. They can scare you into not revealing their secret, because if you do, "You'll be sorry!!" It's a warning, and when you are beaten down on a daily basis, you just give in and believe it. So you go with his game plan because you don' t have the strength for your own plan--not at first anyway.

So many women who were "stuck in the muck" have twisted themselves free out of those handcuffs that chained you to the world of deception. You saw the light, and even though it didn't happen right away, I always say you have to be emotionally free before you can be physically free.

Bottom line? Don't give up on yourself--because I won't. I will fight for the freedom and sanity and not give up on you even if you give up on  yourself. All you have to do is ask for support. I have the greatest women in my network many of whom are ready to give support to others who are struggling. All you have to do is.....ask! Write to me and ask!

As I said before, Happier New Year to us all! xoxo

BONNIE KAYE'S STRAIGHT TALK - DECEMBER 2015

BONNIE KAYE'S STRAIGHT TALK

December 2015     Volume 16, Issue 171

A BEAUTIFUL MESSAGE FOR THE HOLDAYS FROM A STRAIGHT WIFE--KRISTI

One of the members of my support network is an amazing woman Kristi. She sent this message for our women who are struggling with moving out of their relationships. I hope her words help and inspire you--as they did for me. Thank you, Kristi, for sharing!!

I feel the need to share my heart on something with y'all. It's a deeper look into my story than I think I've shared before.

In light of a straight wife's mention of reconciliation, I just feel like it might be time to bring it up in case it might help anyone. I don't know why I've never felt compelled to share the entirety of it before now. I guess it just makes me feel so stupid and so blind that I haven't.

Anyway, here goes, and I hope it helps someone.

My gay ex and I got married in January 1994. In December 1994 (Christmas Eve, to be exact), he told me he had always thought he might be gay. Shocked (although I shouldn't have been, I guess, because my mom had told me from Day 1 that he was, and my gut said so, too), I remember saying, "So, what do we do now?"

He said, "Well, I don't want to act on it."

I stupidly and naively crawled into the closet where I would spend the next bunch of years and said, "Well, if you promise not to act on it, I promise I'll never tell anyone."

He agreed, and we stayed married until February 1998, when I finally couldn't take the rejection anymore.

On Groundhog Day (what a great Coming Out day, huh?) 1998, he said, "I'm gay."

I again (pre-Bonnie's SWC (Straight Wives Club)) said, "So, what do we do now?"

See, the good Christian girl in me had promised never to get a divorce no matter what.

He said, "Well, I guess we get a divorce."

I was horrified, but it was clear that he had no intention of staying. He was free.

For the next few weeks, I slept in what had been our bed, while he slept in the guest room. He was so mean to me. So cruel, so hateful... He rubbed my face in his new reality and made it clear that he couldn't wait for me to get out.

I did. On Valentine's Day. 1998.

We agreed not to see each other or speak to each other again, but I broke down and called him. We had grown so dependent on one another (largely due to the crappy secret I was keeping), and I believe now that he saw the value in keeping a sucker in his pocket. So, we reconnected.

From about July 1998 until the fall of 1999, we kept in touch via email. His email then was the ever-so-gay Cute28FL because, in his words, he was cute, 28, and lived in Florida.

He told me details of all of his escapades. Graphic detail.

I was so torn up and so devoid of anyone who could POSSIBLY understand what I was going through that I honestly just craved the friendship. He knew the secret, so I could talk freely without watching my every word. Yes, I was still keeping it. Gosh, how I needed the SWC back then!!!!

Anyway, I visited with him in Florida once for Christmas, and we exchanged presents and marveled at how wonderful our relationship was that we could remain close even after divorce.

He told me of his relationships (living with 6 different men in 6 different apartments over the course of a year and a half), and I supported him to his face and cried myself to sleep every night. Yet another secret I kept...

In fall 1999, he called me to tell me that he had moved back in with his parents and was thrilled to tell me that he wasn't gay anymore. That God had changed him.

I argued that it was impossible, but he poured on the charm and begged me to meet with him to see the differences in him- because surely once I saw him, I would see the miraculous transformation God had made in his life, and if I believed that God could do anything, I would certainly be able to believe in the change God had made in him.

Again, stupidly, I agreed. And he was right- at least to my naive eye! His walk was different. His talk was different. He talked of how he regretted not being affectionate with me and how he wanted to "have sex all night" with me.

I got sucked in, but mind you, he still felt it very important that he not have sex with me unless we were married.

Seduced by the thought that he FINALLY wanted me and blinded by my own loneliness (and not wanting it to seem that I didn't believe that God can do anything), I agreed to remarry him.

So, I did- in January 2000 (on our original anniversary date).

Not that it will surprise any of you, but never even once was there anything close to "sex all night."

Six months later, he began cheating on me. That cheating would continue for the next 12 years- until he finally broke down and confessed to having sex with "hundreds of men."

You'd think that's when I got out, wouldn't you? No, Queen Stupid here still didn't know what to do. Again, no SWC...

But don't worry, he said. Why? Because guess what!! God changed him again! (Don't even get me started on how much I believe there is a special place in hell for people who use God to cover their own lies and for their own special purposes, but I digress)...

I went to my preacher, who told me I had every Biblical right to get a divorce but that "we serve a God of restoration and RECONCILIATION" and that he'd like to see me give him 6 weeks to prove the change in him.

I was so much in shock and so numbed by it that I said, "OK," and six weeks went by, and still having no idea what to do, I told him that I wanted him to sign a contract that I would make up that would allow me access to all of his online accounts (FB, etc.) so that he couldn't do anything anymore. He agreed never to go to the restroom alone again. He would never be online unless I was around.

So, the sucker became a wife, and the wife became the babysitter...

And six weeks became six months, and I buried myself in a cocoon of survival and self-preservation. I was sure no one could ever understand me or what I was going through, and surely I must be unlovable, or this man, whom God kept "changing," could find it in his heart to love me.

My options were to survive or be alone forever. At least, that's what I thought.

Finally, I found Bonnie and the SWC and found my voice. I also found my own self-esteem and my own self-worth.

You, my dear sisters, are worth far more than the mirage of reconciliation. You are worth more than spending your days hoping that, one day, you'll be enough.

You already ARE enough. You are just trapped in a relationship with someone who will never see it.

I gave up half of my life hoping that the caterpillar would become a butterfly. In the end, I found that it was impossible, for he was a worm and never a caterpillar at all.

I found that I was the caterpillar and that I had stayed in the cocoon far too long. I can't tell you the joy I felt in allowing myself to become the butterfly.

You, my precious sisters, are butterflies. Don't stay in the cocoon. Please don't be fooled by the temptation of reconciliation. Worms never become butterflies- no matter how long you wait and wish.

After years of staying in a place where I didn't belong and wasn't (and never would be) wanted, I finally made the decision to free myself. If only I had known what awaited me on the other side of my decision! I am now married to a wonderful straight man who loves me the way a husband is SUPPOSED to love him wife, and he loves my kids, too, as if they were his own. I had convinced myself that a happy ending just wasn't meant to be. What I didn't realize was that a happy ending is impossible when married to a gay man.

My prayers are with all of you- always. Love to you all,

Kristi

BONNIE KAYE'S STRAIGHT TALK - SEPTEMBER 2015

BONNIE KAYE'S STRAIGHT TALK

October 2015     Volume 16, Issue 169

STARTER RELATIONSHIPS

Trust me. I really understand.  Some of you were married to your gay husband for 10, 20, 30 or even 40 or more years. It was a lifetime of hurt, sexual rejection, and de-feminization. And now it's behind you and you want to move into your next phase:

MAKING UP FOR LOST TIME

Sadly, this is where so many of our women get hurt over and over again. They are finally free and want to recapture their days of youth when they were in love. Part of it is a need because of the loss of physical touch--some of it is validation--and yet another part is wanting to feel wanted after being rejected for so long.

When your marriage breaks up, part of you is BROKEN. Men sense this. It's something in the way you look or talk. They know you are needy--and they are hoping that the neediness will help them in their conquests to get you into the bedroom.

Many of us end up right there. It's a night or two of romance that rocks our world. Remember, most of us have been celibate for years. The sexual encounters with our gay husbands were not very fulfilling. Some women have only had one sexual partner--their gay husbands--and don't really know how glorious "real sex" can be.

The problem is we are women who love. And we expect our new sexual straight men to fall in love with us as we are with them so we can live happily ever after. It rarely happens. Here are some basic things to think about:

Some of you have been away from dating for a long, long time. You aren't even sure how to date. Some of you never even dated because you married your childhood sweetheart when you for 18 or 19. That's how I was when I wandered back into the arena of wolves 24 years ago. I was prime for the picking by every odd ball in the dating world. My heart didn't open up for 11 years after my divorce because I had to heal and wanted to raise my children on my own. I was so busy fixing myself with college, graduate school, support groups, single momhood and exhaustion--that I didn't really care. I was single and happy. But one day that changed. I wanted to love and be loved again. We didn't have computer dating back then, but we had other things such as telephone datelines and classified ads.

I was never much of a dater. It seemed I met men, fell for them quickly, and married them. I didn't really know how to date. I learned, but I also learned a hard lesson. There are a lot of game players and sickos out there.

Men knew I was vulnerable like most of us are after these marriages. The can sense it and smell it like a shark smells a body in the water. My heart was broken a number of times during that first year because when I like someone, I fall too hard. But as I tell our women--you have to practice, practice, practice until your soulmate comes along. There are bumps and even mountains along the way, but you can't give up on love if you want to spend your life with someone who is right for you.

The reality is that most men by the time they are 50+ are well developed in their thoughts and actions. They are not very flexible as far as change. They, too, will come with plenty of their own baggage just from the natural progression through life. Very few people escape that. That's why you can't ignore red flags that are waiving at you. These won't be red gay flags, but they will be other kinds of red predatory flags. And yes, we all have baggage, but the goal is to meet someone you can share life with--not take care of his life. We've all done that the first time--and we don't want to do it anymore.

Learn from the beginning that if it isn't working for you in the short run, it just won't be working for you in the long run. Cut your losses early and MOVE ON. There are millions of men out there.  Take your time and learn from each dating experience. View it as a learning adventure in what you want and what you don't want. I also believe that "starter relationships" have value because you need to start somewhere, but chances are your first romance post-marriage won't be your last or you best. But you learn some very valuable lessons:

1. You can have feelings for another man--feelings of desire and love that you thought    had died.

2. You can learn the glory of passionate love-making with the right straight man.

Both of these lessons are positives if you learn from them.

Bottom Line: In future relationships, expect more and never settle. Learn to love yourself enough during your recovery that you'll never allow another man to injure you again. And most importantly--have some fun on that road of hope. That means keep practicing--but do it safely!