BONNIE KAYE'S STRAIGHT TALK NEWSLETTER - AUGUST 2015

BONNIE KAYE'S STRAIGHT TALK

August 2016     Volume 17, Issue 178

STRAIGHT WIVES MATTER

          We are living in a world that revolves around "political correctness." Over the past ten years,  I have watched this develop and to some degree get it and agree with it. I agree that people need to be accepted for who they are. I agree that it is unkind to mock people because of how they look. And I agree that no one should have to live in a world feeling uncomfortable or feel "left out." So yes, political correctness has certainly made some major inroads.

I have to admit I don't understand all of these inroads. Maybe it's my age or maybe it's because it's too hard to "get it" all--and especially when it comes to sexuality. It was difficult enough for me to comprehend it when I learned that homosexual people were marrying straight people. That was a real eye opener. You see, I didn't grow up with that knowledge. I was told that if a man was gay or a woman was a lesbian, it meant that he or she wanted to be with someone of the same sex. Honest--that's what they used to teach us. This was in the day before the Kinsey ladder climbing up or down on the number chart ranging from straight to gay and everything in between. I didn't realize there was an "in between."

         

When I was in high school in the pre-enlightened 1960's, people would whisper the word "homosexual" or some horrifying derivative of the word, but I really didn't know anyone like that. There was one boy in high school--yes one--where rumors were whispered behind closed doors--but no actual confirmation. I went out of my way to be nice to this pimpled peer because I, too, was a teenager who never fit in to any crowd. I wanted to--but somehow, I didn't at that age. Therefore, I tried to find others like me for some kind of camaraderie. When we would speak, I never dared mention the rumors I heard about him for fear of making him feel worse than he already did. This was the closest I got to the gay world until 1968 in California.

At the age of 17, I moved to California to stay with my father. It was such a different way of life. Gay was very prominent back then as if it were the land of milk and honey for the new gay immigrants continuing to arrive daily on its shores. Here in California one could live an openly gay life. Actually, in California you could live whatever life you wanted because back then sex was over-the-top. There were orgies and swinging. It was quite liberating to those who needed to feel liberated. It was there that I met the first "openly" gay man in my life. At 17, I knew so little that I was so sure that gay was just a condition that came from lack of proper love. I was so sure that loving him would make him straight. And I tried the best I could for a girl of 17--but there was no change. I guess he tried to because why not? He was 24, and it seemed like something he thought might work--but he found out quickly it didn't. That's when I learned to understand that gay men were going to stay gay men. They couldn't change--and they shouldn't have to change.

 As the years went on, I thought I had that whole issue figured out--but I didn't. At the age of 25 I rekindled a romance with a man who was my high school crush. We were both adults now and thinking that maybe we could make us work. Something was off from the beginning--but I wrote it off to the Zodiac signs. He was a Cancer--I was a Libra--and the two signs weren't meshing. At least that sounded logical in the 1970's. And talk about not knowing--I will tell you this. We were parted for six years since we had last seen each other. When we reunited, he told me that he had been with four other people during those six years--two men and two women. Did it strike me strange that he had been with two men? Not at all. Don't forget--the 60's and 70's were a time of "sexual experimentation" for people. He assured me that he tried it--and didn't like it. Or he liked it, but not as much as being with a woman. And guess what? I bought it. It sounded logical to me. Why else would a man want to be with me unless he "decided" he was straight?

 We were very misled in those days by reports by "sexual experts" such as Dr. Kinsey who talked about sexual fluidity long before it was acknowledged as "accepted behavior" as it is today. Of course, he was stating that a large percentage of men had some kind of "homosexual" encounter if their lifetimes, and it was "normal." So that's what I thought. When that boyfriend said he "tried it" and "didn't like it," it made sense to me. And although I left him before our plans to move in together hastened to the date of action, I was having doubts because something was "off." I still was attributing it to the moon being in the seventh house and Jupiter aligning with Mars. Yes, it must have been that Zodiac incompatibility again. It's funny--we had sex, but I always felt he wasn't there with me--much like his moodiness and brooding.  It wasn't until ten years later and several years after the marriage to my gay husband that I learned that he, too, was gay. I was smarter by then. I knew the moment I dialed him and a man picked up the phone that that was his lover--and he admitted it.

 Oh well, enough of my history. I like to tell you my story because so many of our women kick themselves over and over for not seeing the red flags. That's because so many of us didn't know they were red flags. We just didn't know enough. We didn't have computers to check on the facts or find explanations to the behaviors that we attributed to astrology. Yes--for those of you grew up during the age of Aquarius, didn't the signs of the Zodiac explain everything?

 Anyway, getting back to my point--over the past 10 years or so, political correctness has taken over in our country. It seems that you can't say much about anyone without getting condemned. We have to accept things which in the past would not be acceptable. And I admit I am somewhat weary of having to try to be understanding of behavior that seems somewhat mixed up and jumbled, but that's me. It was difficult for me to understand straight vs. gay--and now there are so many other variations of the sexual spectrum that I never imagined. And I'm not knocking it--I'm just acknowledging it. But I do have a problem with it, and I'll explain why.

 It seems that we keep rallying to the cause of fighting for people who are coming out of some closet. The closets are different ones ranging from gay to transgender and include a whole new vocabulary of in-betweens that I won't get into. But it seems the more that these men come out and end up with barrels of praise for their bravery, the further back we, their wives, are shoved back into their closets.

 How we, the straight wives, are feeling is never the issue, is it? Is anyone out there asking us Straight Wives what it feels like to have our lives blown away and devastated? I don't think so. I do know that I get at least two or three requests from media shows each month asking me for people in my group who are finding ways of "making it work by readjusting their thinking." I tell them they have come to the wrong person and refer them to other groups who may know these women. Of course, that's after I ask them if they would be interested in doing a show on the "real lives of straight wives" focusing on the devastation of what it is like to be one. Not one production company has ever said to me, "What a great idea!" Well one did--but they were only willing to do it if the husbands were willing to go on the show--and I don't think your husbands wanted to do it. Heck, they don't even want to talk to you about it. But they'll tell the world?

 People don't take us seriously because there are no consequences. There are no advocates out there shouting for OUR rights. There is no one writing about OUR pain except an occasional Huffington Post blog or comedy cable show. We are judged by others without compassion or empathy that they are so willing to give to our husbands. People still think that either we knew and were desperate or missed all the signs meaning we were stupid. And then there are those who understand less than we did who still think that these men weren't gay when they married us, so it must have been our bad cooking that made them gay.

 We were questioning our own judgment throughout our marriage wondering what was going wrong. When we found out, then people started questioning us as if we were "blind" or "responsible." Is it any wonder that we prefer to stay silent? We are double whammied--first by our gay husbands and then by society as a whole. While people are so busy cheering on the bravery of our husbands, who is looking our way with awards for enduring the suffering all of the years if our marriages were bad or if our marriages were good, awarding us for losing what meant most to us in our lives--namely our husbands. For some women, they look at the man standing in front of them and still see these men as their HUSBANDS--not as their GAY HUSBANDS. They still can't understand how gay crept into their marriage when they weren't looking. What changed? This takes years to figure out in many cases.

         

 Why don't producers of shows want to know what it's like to survive this kind of marriage for us? Why do they only care about the 5% of marriages that try to make it work by living in an open marriage? What about the other 95% of us? Why aren't the members of the gay community taking up our cause like they want us to take up their cause? Where are their warnings to men getting married knowing that they aren't exactly straight even if they don't know they are exactly gay yet? And where is the condemnation from the gay community of men who are married and living this double life? Why are certain support chapters of gay fathers encouraging their members not to tell their wives until "after the divorce" so they won't have to end up with less financially? Where are the groups telling these men to FIX THE MISTAKE in a way that the wife comes out a winner after she has lost so much?

 No one is parading for us around the country. No one has even suggested that we have a special "Straight Wives Matter Day" for us whose lives were thrown into turmoil without a warning. We are expected to be "understanding," "accepting," and "advocates" for the gay community now that we are somehow attached to it in a different kind of way--namely through our husbands. But what gay organization has said, "We embrace the millions of straight wives who have lost their husbands and families and welcome them to our community"? I haven't heard of any yet who are looking to share our grieving. And until I start to hear it, I guess no one except us will really care if Straight Wives Matter. Sad, isn't it?  

   

MAILBAG

Each month, I receive numerous letters of appreciation from my readers. If I think your letter will help others, I always ask your permission to republish. Here are two letters from this month.

Dear Bonnie,

          I hope my email finds you well.  I always think about you.  It's been years since I met you in Houston.  It's also been a long journey for me.  I've ducked in and out of GayHusbands.com and the Straight Wives Radio Blog for years now because I still find it so helpful to my recovery.  I credit you for telling it to me 'straight' and for saving my life.  I put all of my trust in you, and you gave me the strength to be honest with myself, to trust my own intuition and to leave the relationship.  After struggling with my recovery for about two years (I finally realized there had to be more to my story then just being duped by a gay man).  For some reason, I don't know why but at the time I never fully understood what you meant about the crazy making, gaslighting and narcissism nor did         

I realize that was exactly what I was suffering from and why I was having such difficulty moving on.  I went back to your material, listened more closely to some of your guests like Mary Ann Glynn and Donna Anderson and then started Googling those terms and watching videos and so began my true healing. All of the pieces just fell into place and now I know I was severely gas-lighted by a covert narcissist.  It's actually fascinating how these people work and even more fascinating to learn about the symptoms of someone who has been abused in this way and how very little the professionals know about this type of abuse.  Needless to say, I exhibited most of the symptoms like not knowing what just happened to me, ruminating (a biggee!), feeling hopeless, suicidal, isolating, not being able to concentrate, etc.  It was heartbreaking but at the same time knowing what happened, what he deliberately did and more importantly who he really is as a person has ended most of my pain.  For the first time in years, I feel like I'm finally getting back to myself (kind of, still afraid to date) and to some of the things I love to do like sewing and writing (my therapy).  So speaking of writing...I wrote the poem below, and if you want to share it or any part of this email on your website or elsewhere, please do.  

       

From the bottom of my heart I thank you for what you've done for me and also for all of the other straight wives.  Hugs!

The Letter To Him I Never Sent 

It's been a long and lonely last three years

Still I fight back some of those old salty tears

Stupidly I thought you would be my last love 

Only later to be strangled like a too-tight glove

Was the making of that big, beautiful home 

Your secret plan to leave me all alone 

Should have known you gave me many clues

Just a sick little game to watch me lose

And all that gaslighting and crazy making

Shattered my world and left me shaking

Of all the happy times I thought we shared

Now I know you never could have cared 

Because you treated me like a big 'a hole'

That ripped right through my very soul

Every day it felt like a slap without a slap

But more than that I felt so trapped 

Always telling lies, the biggest 'I am not gay'

Like a cat on a mouse I was only your prey

You are the biggest down-low pretender

A bait and switch I'm not your defender 

Played me day and night like some old fool

But I'm here to tell you that was so not cool 

I ain't no longer your cover girl or your beard

Go on and continue living the life you feared

Don't you know you can run but cannot hide

Behind that mask your fake and phony side

Learned many years ago how to avoid your eyes

That when it ended, I never said any goodbyes

See you skipped no beat and moved right on

You think you may have found a better swan?

Another good woman you will probably destroy

Hey abuser, user we are not your lil' play toy

Clear off the table now so I can place my bet

Cause a man like you, I'm sure she's never met 

Maybe in a few years she'll reach out to me

Then I'll tell her all about 'The Bonnie' who set me free

Trisha

Dear Bonnie,

          I have been thinking a lot about the theme of "I will never be the same" and learning " to live with it." Most of the time, I think I'm actually better in spite of it all! I was so naive before this experience. I blamed myself my whole life because i refused to see other people's bad behavior and mental illness. It was too scary. And i think I believed people would change if I acted " better."  I refused to think I didn't have control. So weird. Fear drove me in my life. I made bad decisions. I stayed too long. I lived in denial and fragmented my mind to tolerate terrible situations. I didn't know I had the power to leave. I didn't know I could like and care for myself. I relied on others for that, and they were not safe. My whole life was like some sort of reward/punishment, tit for tat experiment. I was keeping score, everyone was keeping score! This is not love.

          With my gay ex, I could not understand the disconnection between us. I rationalized that I had some attachment disorder. ( I'm sure he loved that!) After I found out the truth, I felt stupid. I felt shame. It made me feel even more worthless. And my so called friends? They said" how could you.....?" I didn't realize they needed to invalidate me to protect whatever crap they had going on. This experience has sucked. But I have learned a lot about myself and other people. I have learned that caring for ourselves is seen as selfish. I have learned that most people unconsciously are manipulative and out for themselves but can couch it in caring and concern and looking " nice", but they really don't care, because they are focused on themselves. So now, I look for those few people! The truly caring ones! I actually think I found one in my therapist of all people! I am learning what caring relations looks like and that maybe I deserve it after all. I have also met some amazing women on the internet, and sadly, they are not here, but we connect in cyberspace. 

          So, do we ever get over" it"? The trauma? No. It is part of me. But it doesn't define me. I am working on bringing all the parts of me together for wholeness and maybe liking myself one day ( loving myself is a stretch lol!). If I had stayed with my gex, I could never have had space to do this. I'm pretty confident that he will leave me alone as I made sure it got back to him that I knew what he was! Maybe healing just looks like wholeness and not putting up with anymore toxic people. I don't miss that torture! 

          Many blessings to you today on our little soul journey! xoxo

A Straight Sister

Thank you, ladies, for sharing your heart-felt words.

LOVE TO YOU ALL!!! ♥ BONNIE

BONNIE KAYE'S STRAIGHT TALK - JULY 2016

BONNIE KAYE'S STRAIGHT TALK

July 2016     Volume 17, Issue 177

SETTLING FOR STRAIGHT CRUMBS

I know this issue may be painful to read for some of you, but if I keep it in, I will feel that I am not responsible for the thousands of you who trust me and my opinions.

I will start with this. Many of you have or had been in failed marriages for many years--10, 20, 30, or more years. These were years of losing yourself and not developing to you greatest potential. Sometimes this was because after being battered by your gay husband for so long, you questioned your ability to do anything for fear it would be wrong. Other times you were so busy trying to keep things together and trying to make your husband feel better from his looming distancing, that you didn't have the time to pay attention to yourself.

In my second newsletter back in 2001, I wrote these words that summarize what happens to us:

Who would we be today if we had a straight husband? How would our destiny have changed if we were loved, nurtured, sexually desired with passion and tenderness, given emotional support and encouragement, and made to feel like we were part of a real couple in tune with each other’s needs, wants, and aspirations? What if we didn’t have to spend countless hours each day wondering why we were failures as wives, women, and lovers—ripping away our self-esteem layer by layer until we became strangers unto ourselves and others? What if our husbands’ dishonesty and cheating didn’t change us to become untrusting, suspicious, and doubting wives, forcing us to question our ability to make rational decisions? How many of us were sidetracked through those “detours of deceit” that diverted us from the direction that life might have taken otherwise?

Bottom line—no matter how much a gay man loves a straight woman, it is not the kind of love that fulfills the basic human need that all of us have. It can never be the kind of love that inspires the music that becomes classics or the poetry that makes the heart flutter. It is not the kind of love that can ever be returned to the degree that you are giving it. Even the best of relationships are barely more than great friendships—not the passion and excitement that make us thrive and look forward to waking up each day. And even those relationships are woven with dishonesty, distrust, infidelity, resentment, and frustration. Life was not meant to be this complicated.  

Those words ring just as true today as they did then.Who could we have become with the right sprinkeling of love?

There are different variations of gay husbands--but one thing is for sure:

                     THEY DON'T BELONG IN A MARRIAGE TO A WOMAN!!!

They will tell you that they feel trapped in the marriage, but THEY set the trap--not you. They wanted to marry you. I sincerely doubt any of you held a shotgun to their heads to get them to marry you. These men married you hoping that their "love" for you would turn into the "in love" that you wanted and felt for them. Well we all know the end of that story. Gay man meets woman...gay man marries hoping that his feelings of love for you will stop making him think of male attractions..gay man has sex with you believing that he will (or rather sex will) get better as more time passes and he gets "used" to it...gay man realizes you don't turn him on so he looks for something that will....that something will be another man...etc. etc. And of course, once he understands his unhappiness, will he still try to do better by you and repress those feelings? Of course not. He wants his "authentic" life, and you are "trapping" him to stay with you even though you may have no idea that he is gay.

That's what I find so interesting. They feel "trapped" after trapping us into a marriage that they were clueless about. I do believe they thought they could remain faithful husbands if they married you and  forget about those past sexual "experiements" or desires. After all, you were now their salvation on the road to "Straight." And for those men who marry us, they believe that on some level we have the power to "cure" them. They want the same American dream that you want--but they are deluding themselves in order to keep fooling you.

Eventually , most of us end up divorced from our gay husbands. They want to live their lives as it was meant to be. Either the kids grew up or are growing up, so he doesn't have to pay his "dues" for staying there anymore. He was a devoted father and a "pretty good" husband (without the sex), so he feels it is his turn to go and live his authentic life.

After you have a matter of months or a year or two of mourning your marriage, it is now your time. You have decided you don't want to be alone. You want a new husband--a partner--someone who wants to ravish you for being a woman. And now you venture out on the dating scene looking to meet the right guy. You THINK that you are ready to find that man, but in most cases, you haven't really worked on rebuilding yourself.

This is not to say you haven't become Superwoman--raising the kids, working one or two jobs, taking care of the house, and doing the day-to-day chores that used to take two but now requires you to do both jobs. Yes, you have been thrown into the role of super-achiever overload and haven't skipped a beat. You keep running as fast as you can to do everything possible to make this happen. This is not called "rebuilding" yourself, but rather this is called "recreating" yourself. And this is not remotely this same thing.

Rebuilding yourself takes time--and help. Moving from the trauma of your marriage and divorce to your new role as Superwoman has left you little time to even think about what you need to do before you are ready to meet someone new.  Some women think that all they need to do is meet some nice guy who will help them find the little happiness they want and deserve.  

When the search begins,  some of you will find that you are going with someone who is certainly not the right man, but you'll think he is "good enough." After all, he's nice, he's funny, and boy, is he different in bed!!! I can't tell you how often I've been told by one of our women, "Bonnie you were right!! Sex with a straight man is so different. I never realized how beautiful sex could be until now." And please note, not every straight man is great in bed. But at least he wants you, and sometimes just being desired makes you feel good.

Although sex is certainly an important part of a relationship, it isn't the only part. You'll find out that plenty of straight men can have great sex, but are they who you really want or need? Most women after their marriages are like fish bait to the sharks. Sharks are predators. They are looking for you because they know you are vulnerable. They know how to recognize it within moments of meeting you. We may appear confident in our professional lives, but we certainly lack that confidence in our personal lives--AND IT SHOWS. Predators sniff it out by your body language and conversation. That's natrual after coming out of a marriage where your self and sexual-esteem has been ripped away.

The dating scene is foreign to you. You've seen commercials from Match.com ad Eharmony assuring you that they have your soulmate on their website. You're not quite sure what you're doing or how to behave. When the first man who slips you some beautiful compliments flatters you, you feel good for the first time in a long time. You listen attentively to see if there is really a "connection," and even when there isn't, you'll tell yourself there is. After all, he spoke some lovely words to you. He noticed things about you that your gay husband never noticed. He complimented you in a way that made you feel like a woman for the first time in years. Okay, he's not perfect, but who is?

Now you start dating him and even start falling for him, and although you notice there are some cracks in the wall, you decide to ignore them. They are not that important compared to the good things  like being told you are wonderful and the desiring your body. You start to justify it by saying things like:

• No one is perfect
• I have lots of baggage too
• At least he really cares about me
• He finds me desirable and wants to have sex
• There aren't many  men out there who would want a woman with children
• He has a job, so I won't have to support him

Again, these are all good statements, but they aren't good enough to make a relationship work. Just because a man is nice to you and has sex with you doesn't make him the right man for you or your soulmate. Aren't you being nice to him? Aren't you fulfilling his sexual needs? Why wouldn't he be nice to you?

 When you are on the "restart mode" of your life, never feel as if you have to "settle" for someone not good enough for you just because he wants you in bed. That's a part of the package--and an important part--but there must be more. Remember that straight men will want to have sex with you you because straight men want sex--with women!  For those of you who were only married to a gay man, you might think this behavior is so magical. Trust me, straight men will want you for more than a companion or cook.

Many of these new experiences can be chalked up to "starter relationships" to teach you what you want and don't want in a permanent relationship. Don't feel obligated to stay with the wrong person. Don't linger because "at least someone is interested in me." Instead, take that time and get help either through counseling or coaching on who you want to be and the steps you will have to take to get there. Learn how to dislodge the insecurity of the past so you don't carry it with you into your future.

Within our Straight Wives network, I have some of the most incredible coaches and therapists. If you need help, write to me, and I'll be happy to provide the help you need. Ignoring the pain that you went through over the years won't make it better when you start your new relationship--it will only ruin any good possibilities and send you flying into someone's arms where you don't belong.

Sometimes it gets discouraging looking for your soulmate--but don't give up. It can happen to you like it has happened to so many of us in this network.

MAILBAG - I receive numerous letters each week from women who inspire me. Sometimes I ask them if I can share their letters with you to inspire you! All letters sent to me are confidential.

Dear Bonnie,

This letter is long overdue so please accept my sincerest apologies. I've meant to write you the last few years but it was hard for me to get around to it and finally put it on (electronic) paper.

I found you in 2011 when my (now ex) husband told me he was gay and had been cheating on me. He told me because he had found a man with whom he wanted to be. I can still remember that day like it was yesterday; the horror that overcame me as I realized what he was trying to tell me, the disbelief, and the confusion. The worst part of it wasn't that he was gay; the worst part was his betrayal - that he had been unfaithful and was lying to me, instead of being open with me about his sexuality. My whole world crashed down around me that day.

We met in college in 2006: it was my final year and he was studying abroad. We knew each other only for three months before he went back to finish school at the University of Edinburgh. After he finished school, he moved back to his home country. It wasn't easy because we were long distance (Germany and California) but we made it work. We would see each other for three or four weeks at a time, about twice a year and it was a fairy tale romance to me: we got along so well, he was so loving and supportive, he was my other half.

In 2009, he was able to secure a job in Fort Worth, Texas, which made it easier and we saw each other at least once a month. For five years, we had the most amazing relationship and friendship I could have ever dreamed of. The long distance was difficult but I couldn't imagine a life without him in in. My parents had gone through a divorce but he convinced me that we were different and that we were meant to be together. In 2010, we got married and he moved to San Francisco while I was still in San Diego. Six months later, in 2011, I was able to move to San Francisco and for the first time, we were living together! And it all went to hell. 

Outwardly, we were a perfect couple. It felt good to be admired and to know that people aspired to be like us but that was only on the surface. Those six months of living together were a nightmare - I knew something was wrong but he wouldn't talk to me and he refused counseling. He stopped touching me other than a platonic kiss on the cheek and he distanced himself emotionally. All our conversations became superficial: "How was your day?" or "It was cold today!" We no longer talked about the things that mattered.

I became someone I didn't know: I turned into Betty Crocker trying to be the perfect wife, I turned to alcohol to help me cope with the alienation I was feeling. I cried myself to sleep in our bed, or I slept on the couch, or in the guest bedroom. I didn't know what was wrong and he kept telling me that everything was fine. He knew and he saw what he was doing to me but he was too much of a coward to deal with the problem head on. He finally told me in November 2011 because he finally had a boyfriend and within a week, we had filed for divorce. I didn't go to work for nearly two weeks; I was like a zombie and I couldn't function. I cried every day for eight months after our divorce.

I kept rehashing our entire relationship, looking for a clue that I missed. How could I not know that he was gay? Intellectually, I knew it wasn't my fault but I couldn't make myself understand that emotionally. I was so embarrassed and ashamed for having been so completely fooled. I kept asking myself, "How could you be so stupid? How could you not have seen it?!" Alternately, I kept wishing that he would come back to me and say that it was all a big mistake but knowing it would be a lie. It was a very dark place to be.

It's taken me nearly five years to heal. The first few years, I thought every man was secretly gay and if there were heterosexual men out there, I felt I wasn't desirable as a woman. But this year, I've started dabbling my toes in dating. I'm not in a committed relationship and I don't know if I want to get married again, but I'm starting to see that I will be okay. It's not easy being single but I'd rather be single than living that awful life of lies and betrayal. I think that's the worst part because being in a dysfunctional relationship kills your spirit and your sense of self.

I am so thankful that I found you. You were the lifeline that kept me afloat when I was drowning in a sea of grief and pain and bewilderment. I waited every month for your monthly newsletter because it made me feel like I wasn't alone and there were women out there going through the same thing. I never knew or fathomed that there was a segment of society such as this, where gay men married straight women. Even now, it upsets me to know that this still happens. Why do they keep involving unwitting women in their shenanigans?! They can be gay and stay single if marrying another man is something they can't or won't do.

If there is one thing I would tell those women, it is that in order to starting healing, you have to remove the source of the injury. You have to get out of the damaging relationship so that you can begin to recover and move on. It's going to take time to heal but that's okay. As someone once said, "It's not easy but it's worth it."

I'm writing to thank you for the work that you do. What you have given me these past years has been priceless. I'm sure there are many women out there who have never written but feel as I do. Thank you, Bonnie.

Warmest regards,

Kim

Thanks, Kim, for your kind and encouraging words!

BONNIE KAYE'S STRAIGHT TALK - APRIL, 2016

BONNIE KAYE'S STRAIGHT TALK

APRIL 2016     Volume 17, Issue 174

GAY HUSBANDS AND THE ROBBING OF OUR FEMININE SPIRIT

On my March 28th Bonnie Kaye's Straight Wives Talk Show with my monthly co-host Dr. Brian Hooper, I read a letter from my second newsletter written in April of 2001. It focused on dialogue between a gay ex-husband, Jay, who had recently left his marriage and me. Jay gave me permission to publish our conversation which led me to an epiphany that I always remember. I would like to explain that important realization all of these years later after hearing from tens of thousands more of you.

First I will reprint some of that conversation, and then I will write about what I learned from it.

This is part of the dialogue that started the article:

I am a gay man who was married for 23 years. My ex-wife and I have two
children.  I am writing to encourage you to continue the important work
you are doing.  I only wish that in 1996 when I finally began to come
out that there had been resources such as yours to support our family
through our transition.

I think that both men and women in these circumstances must recognize that there are no winners but there are survivors who create new ways to relate, maintain, support and redefine their family.  In the process of ending my marriage, I lost my best friend and the dream we had of growing old together.  Slowly, we have worked to continue to parent our children in accordance with the many values that we continue to share.  There are many things I would, in retrospect  have done and handled differently, but my single largest regret is that I did not deal with the secret of my sexuality while still in my marriage and in the years of counseling before divorce.  So to those men who you counsel , I would urge them to give the woman they chose to love and bear children the earliest chance to deal with the truth.  They probably will not have a marriage together, but they will at least have a chance of preserving the love that once brought them together with hopes and plans for a lifetime.

There was some more dialogue, but this is how the conversation ended which is the most important part:

I was much more demanding about the order around me when I was married to my ex-wife.  While I still like a nice home, I find I am less compulsive about cleaning and demanding that those around me keep things tidy and neat.  I believe that my need for external order in my prior life was a way of coping with my own internal chaos (and tension created by my attempts to compartmentalize my being.)  Of course, my discomfort with disorder at home also served to legitimize my disappointment in my ex-wife as a homemaker.  "If only she were a better wife.......we would be happy" was my mantra. Indeed, she was disorganized and sloppy, but as it turned out, I have realized that  IF ONLY SHE HAD BEEN A MAN,  I WOULD HAVE BEEN MORE TOLERANT.  Ouch.

In response to Jay's last comments, I wrote these words. This is what he made me realize:

Who would we be today if we had a straight husband? How would our destinies  have changed if we were loved, nurtured, sexually desired with passion and tenderness, given emotional support and encouragement, and made to feel like we were part of a real couple in tune with each other’s needs, wants, and aspirations? What if we didn’t have to spend countless hours each day wondering why we were failures as wives, women, and lovers—ripping away our self-esteem layer by layer until we became strangers unto ourselves and others? What if our husbands’ dishonesty and cheating didn’t change us to become untrusting, suspicious, and doubting wives, forcing us to question our ability to make rational decisions? How many of us were sidetracked through those “detours of deceit” that diverted us from the direction that life might have taken otherwise?

Bottom line—no matter how much a gay man loves a straight woman, it is not the kind of love that fulfills the basic human need that all of us have. It can never be the kind of love that inspires the music that becomes classics or the poetry that makes the heart flutter. It is not the kind of love that can ever be returned to the degree that you are giving it. Even the best of relationships are barely more than great friendships—not the passion and excitement that make us thrive and look forward to waking up each day. And even these relationships are woven with dishonesty, distrust, infidelity, resentment, and frustration. Life was not meant to be this complicated.  

*************************************

Those were my words in 2001. If I had to write this again every year, nothing would change except I would add a few additional thoughts based on your experiences that you shared with me.

Over the past 15 years I have defined what I believe to be the most underwritten, misunderstood or understated problem of this whole picture. Women married to gay men have been robbed of their FEMININE SPIRIT. We, as women, are born with love in our hearts that should be tied into lust in our bodies as we get older. The Feminine Spirit isn't about sex--it's about passion combined with intimacy. It's about your body shaking with anticipation when you are going to be with the man you love or desire. It's about intimacy on both an emotional and physical level. I don't care that men are from Mars and women are from Venus as the saying goes. It's not about your thinking patterns. This is about bodily phyiscal intimacy that goes as deep as your inner soul.

After working with over 2,000 gay men since 2001 in their quests to come out to their wives, I have learned that the love these men felt for you was real--but it was the love they would have for a sister or a "best friend." This is not the love that kindles the feminine spirit that we were blessed with. Rather it dulls it to the point of extinction. How does that candle dim, blow out, and get buried? Let me explain.

When our "best friends" who claim to love us start rejecting us physically early in the marriage, what's the message?

They don't want us. It's that simple.

And here are some "simple truths."

No straight man has one long, continuous migraine over the period of years that stops him from desiring you without his going to a doctor for help. A straight man would be running to a doctor and begging for a cure so he could make love with his wife.

No straight man is too busy with his heavy work load to touch you and fondle you playfully day in and day out. Coming home from too much work makes a straight man want to play to forget his tough day.

No straight man has that much pressure placed on him that he can't relieve his pressure by making love to his wife instead of pulling away from her. When straight men feel stressed out, they want sex as a stress reliever.

Yes, ladies--that's the truth. If the only man you've ever had is your gay husband, then you have never known the real truth. It is so much easier to believe your gay husband when he tells you to stop acting like a silly teenager or stop watching so many Hallmark romance movies that give you ideas that aren't true except in the movies.

As any of us who have learned better will tell you--those are lies they are telling you. We know because a number of our women remarry or find new relationships where sex is a priority no matter how many other things are going on. They will tell you this next truth:

Healthy straight men want sex...and lots of it.

And when they have a loving woman beside them, they want it with her. Okay, maybe in 30 or 40 years it will change like your gay husbands keep telling you when you bring up the subject. But not in the first year or five years or ten years while you are only in your 30's or 40's. 

Now if your gay husband could at least take the responsibility of saying that there was something wrong with him and not with you, that would be a little better.  It would be fairer than those husbands who blame you for not being attractive enough....thin enough...heavy enough...sexy enough...adventurous enough (meaning you aren't willing to have a 3-some with another man or use sexual equipment in his rear end)..supportive enough...understanding enough...and the list goes on.

But although it would be a little better, it still would never be good enough because it is not the truth. 

Then he comes up with the famous line, "NO ONE WILL EVER LOVE YOU AS MUCH AS I LOVE YOU."  Raise your hand high right in back of my hand if you've heard this line before. I learned from my gay husband that L-O-V-E is just another 4-letter word. 

The sad thing is that sexual rejection on a physical, mental, intimate, and emotional level gets you to start believing these words. And then you start making excuses for his behaviors:

....He's right. My friends don't talk about having sex that much.

....He's willing to put up with my faults.

....He doesn't hit me.

....He's good to the children.

....He loves me--and he tells me that all of the time. You can't have everything.....

Guess what, ladies? You don't have anything except a roommate. But it's worse because a roommate doesn't pretend to love you like a wife. A roommate doesn't sit and lie to you on this level making you feel bad about yourself as a woman and as a human being day in and day out. A roommate wouldn't make you are sexually mutated unable to think, want, or desire sex anymore because that feminine spirit that you had was never nurtured or grown--it was stunted, mutilated, and suffocated by your "best friend" who couldn't be honest with you.

Sadly, too many of our women don't realize that the most important gift of nature that they were blessed with was torn away in the name of "love."

I ask these men who come to me (usually after they fall in love/lust with another man) how they would feel if their new gay partner would refuse to have sex with them or tell them that they aren't sexy enough....big enough....smooth enough...smell good enough...etc. on a regular basis. How would they feel if their new men would constantly tell them to stop thinking about sex so much or turn away from them in the bedroom instead of having an intimate moment. I try to get them to see how you are feeling now in your marriage and why they need to tell you the truth.

Do they get it? Yep. Will they do it? Sometimes. Will they come up with reasons why they can't do it? Yes. And the most popular reason they give is.....(drum roll)

TOO MANY PEOPLE WILL BE HURT

Think about it. Too many people. Who are these people? What should come before the love a husband has for his wife? Who promised to love you, cherish you, comfort you, take care of you no matter what? Shouldn't the wife be person number ONE? Shouldn't your feelings come before all others? Wasn't that what the marriage vows were about?

What he is saying is that his family outside of you, his friends, and co-workers may not be happy if they learn the truth. Maybe they will reject him the way you are feeling rejected. Of course he doesn't believe you feel that way. And he will justify in his own mind how you couldn't possibly feel that way because he is a "good husband."

Why? He will say that he is a good husband...a good father...a good provider...someone you can count on. Except for that little thing called sex....and let's face it...he'll tell you that takes up the "least amount of time" in a relationship.

He still doesn't get it.

He doesn't get the fact that he has stolen your feminine spirit from you. He has taken away that piece of you that makes you a woman instead of a machine. Your heart that used to flutter with excitement now sits like a lump of clay within your chest. He has caused you to believe that sex is something that you are not worthy of.

How many years will it take you to rebuild your sexual esteem? Some women never do, and that's the tragedy. My marriage ended when I was young--at the age of 33. I believed at that time that I was finished with sex. I had no feminine spirit left in me. It was beaten down and tucked away for the next 11 years.

I was happy being celibate for many of those years. I was busy going raising my children, going to school, and working two jobs. I found other ways to build my self-esteem and never felt that I was missing anything without having a soulmate in my life. I was woman hear me roar--and roar I did. I rebuilt my sense of who I was and what my purpose was. Rebuilding self-esteem is really the key to finding your sexual esteem again.

Then one day my desire returned, and I realized it was time to fall in love again. This time, however, it would be out of desire--not out of need. I never wanted to feel needy again which so many of us do in time when spending your marriage with someone who acts like he doesn't really need you. One day nearly 25 years ago, my soulmate came into my life and my heart hasn't stopped beating strong since that day. I was lucky to be able to rebuild my life because I was relatively young.

For women who flounder in these sexless, emotionless, lack of intimacy type marriages for years and years, there is often no desire to re-find the feminine spirit. It's been so badly damaged that the thought of reviving or awakening it seems almost impossible. For our women who only had one man in their lives--namely their gay husbands--they don't believe that they are going to be able to ever meet anyone now that they are 60 or above. They were "good girls" in the 1950's and 1960's when they were taught that sex had to wait until marriage. Some of them were even taught that sex was for the purpose of reproduction of children and not to be enjoyed. That sure made it easy for their gay husbands to say, "No," as they made you feel abnormal for wanting to be normal.

The new normal became a life void of physical and sexual intimacy or even affection.  Those little robotical "kissing pecks" were the most you could expect--if that. If there was sex on some rare occasion, it was in the dark of the night where you weren't very easily visualized (whew) and served as a vessel. You could have just as easily been a can of Crisco or jar of Vaseline. You may have believed that this was "sex," but it wasn't. It was just a sexual act. It wasn't out of sexual desire, but rather out of sexual "obligation." It wasn't making love.

And that's what angers me most of all. Something that is so precious and beautiful that makes our hearts sing and bodies shake with the ultimate excitement has been buried before it ever had a chance to get started. This is something that our husbands steal from us we need to understand.

BONNIE KAYE'S STRAIGHT TALK NEWSLETTER - FEBRUARY 2016

February 2016     Volume 16, Issue 173

TIME TO GET BACK ON TRACK

Yaaaay!!! The Horrorday Season is officially over, and now it's time for many of us to find ourselves back on track. While traditionalist believe that New Years is the time for renewed strength and resolve, I always feel as if life begins again for our straight wives on February 15th each year because we have survived all of the visual and audio images that create internal pain being hurled at us everywhere we look. We are on "love overload" meaning constant reminders are in our faces of what we wanted to have, thought we had, realize we don't have, and what we can't do about it. I remember every year following my divorce a sense of emotional heaviness would leave me when I reached February 15th--the day after Valentine's Day. It was like a celebration of "what I don't have to keep watching over and over that feels like a stabbing knife from my heart to my gut."

Here's the funny thing. I could fill your head with dozens of positive affirmations telling you that love is not just about your soulmate who you are pining for--it's about loving everyone else as well--children, parents, siblings, friends--and of course, most importantly--yourself. But who am I kidding? When your heart is breaking because your life feels as if it is collapsing because your gay husband doesn't want you, all of those cute little sayings start sounding very trite and. Little be it for me to say, "You shouldn't let it bother you." If you're living it, you will be bothered. Even if you stopped living it recently, it will also bother you. And for many years to come, it can still be very painful. No one can tell you how long Gay Husband Recovery will take. It's different for all of us.

I will tell you that I know many of our women who do eventually find the happiness that they deserve. It doesn't come easy--but it does come. You have read the stories from some of them in these newsletters. And there are many more that I know about--including me. I found love again because I wanted to. I was determined to find my real soulmate. And yes, it took time--a lot of time. But I was patient and he appeared one day nearly 24 years ago. I am still madly in love with this man even as we age!

I also know other women who have found the peace of mind and love of life without a man. They just didn't feel the need to be in a relationship after their marriages--which is fine too! They are happy, lead fulfilling lives, and surround themselves with loving friends and family.

There is not right or wrong way to chase your future. No one can tell you what is "best" for you. You have to find your own way in your own time. But for now--we are safe from the Horrordays--for at least nine months. Go enjoy!!

THE ISSUE OF CONTROL

One of the issues that women discuss the most with me is the controlling ways of their gay husbands not only while they are in a relationship, but long after the marriage is over. It seems that this is one of the main reasons why some women seem to linger so much longer in their marriages and feel so trapped. Most of them have husbands who are extremely controlling.

There are a number of reasons why men are controlling in straight relationships. Jealousy is a big factor; fear of abandonment can be another. There are those men who control because they lost control somewhere along the way in their own life or they don't want to be controlled by anyone. Regardless of the reason, it's not a good thing.

But when gay husbands are controlling, it is for another reason. This is my theory, of course, but I think it makes a lot of sense. When your husband marries you, in almost all cases he believes that he will be able to make those gay urges go away. He really believes that if he loves you enough, those thoughts will vanish, and he will no longer have those nagging male attractions. He is fighting not to be gay, and he really believes that if he falls for a wonderful woman, he won't be gay.

In the beginning of the marriage, that can happen for a while. In most cases, he is really trying with everything he has to make you happy as his wife. Maybe there are some issues in the bedroom, but in the beginning, it's do-able. He can close his eyes and remember how wonderful it is to have a wife who will bless him with children and all of the perks that go along with living straight. That in itself is a turn-on even if your body isn't exactly comfortable for him.

As time passes, he can still do it. Sometimes. Now when he closes his eyes he has to think about other things. The wife and children story just isn't making his manhood swell with pride anymore. Now he has to try a different tactic--namely fantasizing that you are a man. He is not lusting over your body; in fact, there are parts of it that kind of repulse him. But he can do some things where he doesn't have to actually see your face and allow him to pretend it's not you who is there and staring up at him. That can really help. At least for a while.

It's just a matter of time before a verbal line of excuses begin or verbal attacks about why you are turning him off start. We know the rest of that story, don't we?

So now is where the control part comes in. Your husband has to deal with the fact that he is your GAY husband. In his head, heart, and penis, he knows that he wants a man and you are not going to suffice. You are already complaining. You are already trying to seduce him with sexy nightgowns and romantic evenings. All you keep thinking about is sex. Why do you want it so much? Why do you keep making overtures and suggestions? It is making him very uncomfortable.

He also knows that it is just a matter of time before you figure it out. And once you figure it out, you might start telling other people about your sex life together--or lack of it--and asking if this happens to them. And when enough of your friends tell you that something is wrong--you will have confirmation.  And once you get that confirmation, those questions in your mind will become accusations. It's only a matter of time before the "G" word creeps into the conversation. He better get the "B" word ready just in case in order to keep you more confused but hopeful. On a side note, remember that the word Bisexual = Hope, at least until we get educated!

Once your gay husband's secret becomes this vulnerable, it's time for him to take action. Action in this case means controlling the environment around him--namely you. You see, he has no control over his sexuality. He tried--but he failed. In order from having his life as a straight man blown away by your discovering the truth, he will make sure to do everything he can so you never have the chance to start spreading the "seeds of doubt." He has to formulate a new strategy which ends up being CONTROL.

He has it figured out--start isolating you from family and friends, and then they won't be able to be there to support you which could lead to the demise of the marriage and his secret. Step one is isolation. Many of our hiding gay husbands will make it almost impossible for you to do anything except take care of them and your children. It is not unusual to make a move to distance you from people who are familiar. He will question your schedule, who you are talking to, what you are talking about, and make you feel as if you are spending too much time talking to other people. .

Part of this isolation strategy begins by criticizing you and using passive aggressive behavior. In other words, if you are doing everything he wants you to do, you get praise. If you are not doing it the way he wants it done, you get criticized or knocked down. It's like training you the same way we train babies--good behavior is rewarded by loving thoughts; bad behavior is punishable. Only you aren't a baby. You're an adult with feelings and emotions. Those "normal" feelings are constantly being challenged to make you start doubting yourself or "performing" in a more suitable way to suit your husband.

I remember during my marriage to my gay husband that my support system would start to disappear one person at a time. He made it extremely unpleasant anytime someone would visit us. He didn't like the support I received from my family, so he acted out every time someone would visit. He would look to pick a fight or find fault with my friends and family. It got to the point that people didn't want to come over because it wasn't very comfortable to be in the middle of an argument and have to choose sides. The house became a chaotic, crazy mess that was totally unwelcoming to others. Eventually, I had no support team. I became totally under his control.

I didn't like screaming and yelling. As I said have stated before, my ex would "shout me down to shut me up." When I tried to stand up for myself, he used cruelty in his verbal attacks on me that made me feel extremely worthless. Little innuendos became caustic accusations whenever I tried to stand up for myself. So I stopped trying. I gave in and submitted.

If people called me, he would accuse me of trying to turn them against him. He would add, "Why don't you tell them how I always have to do the things you are supposed to be doing and don't do?" He made me question not only my ability as a wife, but also as a mother. I don't know if I would have ever found the strength to leave this man whose strength over powered mine. In fact, I no longer had the guts to do anything more than fantasize about freedom from the mess by thinking criminal thoughts.

Another common strategy our husbands use to future their control is blaming us for the problems that are prevalent in our marriages. One common way to do this is to attack what is most valuable to us--namely our feminine spirit. As women, we are instilled with love for those around us, especially our life partners. We fall for them and keep hoping that man we fell in love with will reappear when things start to slide downhill. Some of us feel sorry for our husbands believing that they are suffering so much more than we are from ghosts of their pasts like unstable home lives and abuse. When they were busy "hooking" us to love them, they were able to recognize that soft spot within us that wanted to rescue them from their past hurts. After all, love was the cure for everything, wasn't it? Well, I was taught it was. As a ridiculous romantic, I believed that any problems would "straighten themselves out" with an extra touch of love and understanding.

Sadly, that kindness is perceived as "weakness" by these men who see they can turn the tables on you by making you feel to blame for the failure in the bedroom. This is where your feminine spirit starts to deteriorate and disappear. He claims that your lackluster sex life is because your body lacks shape, you're too small breasted to get a real man excited, you smell in your feminine places, or how can he kiss you when your breath stinks? Why are you blaming him? Look at yourself and you'll figure it out. Only we don't figure it out. We don't even figure out that the problem isn't us--it's him. Lacking this kind of confidence is another method of control. It's controlling you in the bedroom in case you want to keep asking for that crazy thing called "sex."

The saddest stories I hear are from our women who can't cope with the daily mental pain and emotional abuse, so they escape to the bottle or either alcohol or mind numbing pills. It's so much easier when you don't have to think about it at all. I know that drugs and alcohol are a major problem within the gay community due to the difficulty of gay people having to deal with homophobia and self-acceptance. But has anyone ever done a survey with straight wives to see how many of our women turn to drugs and alcohol due to our unhappiness and failure to cope? Is our suffering any less than our gay husbands' suffering? Sadly, your newly acquired numbness is now used as another reason for your gay husband to turn you into the problem in the marriage. He's not doing this--you are. He keeps reminding you that you have to take the responsibility for numbing yourself--not him. It's just one more way for his tight control of the situation. And the best part of all--no one is going to believe anything you say. He'll keep reminding you that people don't like to listen to drunks and addicts.

Getting back to my original point, whenever you live in a marriage where there is too much taking and not enough giving by your partner, you can never find the happiness that all of us were destined for. I will never believe that wonderful women were meant to be tested to see how loyal they could be to a man who could never function as a real husband to her. Who would ever set up such a test?

Bottom line--once the control begins, it is rare for it to ever end. If you don't want to live your life to be the cover and protection for a man who wants to live a lie, do whatever you have to do to find support. No, it's never easy--but it's so worth it. TAKE BACK YOUR LIFE!!!!